Category — Work-at-Home-Motherdom

I’ve been keeping track of my time a bit this last week or so, trying to estimate what percentages of my time is devoted to what.

Here’s what I have found, currently:

- sleep an average of 6 hours a night and nurse about 2-3 times during those 6 hours.

- (spend an average of) 4 hours a day on meal prep, eating and meal cleanup.

- 4 hours a day on house chores and yard work (and still my laundry is piled up!)

- 3 hours a day on direct involvement with the kids (reading, crafts, outings, bathtime, bedtime, etc)

- 3 hours a day on my work-at-home business (no wonder I have so little time for this!)

- 1 hour a day with Chris

- 1 hour a day on email/blog/facebook to catch up with friends and family

- 30 minutes a day on personal needs (shower, brush teeth, get dressed.)

- leaving me with 1.5 hours a day for something to surprise me

For me, this list is somewhat revealing. I have found that I spend a lot of my day on a lifestyle of “simplicity” that is really quite a bit of hard work but very good for me too. I eat well and I move a lot, (which saves me the time and money going to a gym – or having any healthcare needs!), and my kids are happy and healthy, which contributes to my quality of life a lot. And I suppose the house/yard is somewhat maintained, lol. I would like more sleep, me time, and husband time, but I suspect so does every mom! Perhaps when I “retire” (I’ve told you I plan to retire by 35, right? It’s my ten year plan. Yeah. I have lots of those.)

I also get time to watch a movie or knit here and there (though usually only when multi-tasking or coinciding with husband-time). I don’t have much time to call people back or reply to emails, and I get chided for that from friends and family members at least once a day

As I bend down, 30 pound baby on my back as usual, to sweep the mornings crumbs and sticky oatmeal from under the table, summer ants scattering away, I admit to having mixed feelings about how much of my day is spent just keeping us from being under a foot of garbage. Within 20 minutes the sink will be full again with kefir smoothie (our morning snack) remains. The table and floor I just cleaned will have sticky spills of smoothie everywhere and the kids’ hands and faces will need to be cleaned again. And when I finish all that, I’ll have about 20 minutes until I need to start thinking about lunch. Nobody said this job was easy!

I’m blessed to have a husband who comes in from a 10 hour work day and goes directly to the sink to do dishes, then outside to care for the chickens, then inside to eat dinner and do the dishes AGAIN, then help put the 5 year old to bed, then fold clothes while watching a show. Literally, he does this Every.Single.Day. His help is probably why I even get those precious 6 hours of sleep!

Life on the homestead, I suppose?

More posts coming your way this week – much going on up in this noggin’ of mine…

Until next time.

Sometimes the best thing God does for us is nothing.

The sentence above was the central theme of the church community’s discussion last Sunday. Poignant for so many, I am sure. Certainly is for me.

The phrase has been said to me, in different words by various people and circumstances, more times in the last few months than I can remember. “Do nothing.” “Maybe just, don’t do anything? Nothing but what is needed for today.” “Stop doing…” or “Don’t just do something, sit there.”

So my husband has found work, for today. Also for today, the venture I had been so hard at work on planning (the play school), is unable to come to fruition at this time, in this house. In many ways, I am being forced to do nothing for the first time in a long time.

Which isn’t to say I’m literally doing nothing. Just that the pressure is off. I can hang the clothes on the line, make oatmeal, flip through my books, read to the kids, take long walks, do a little work as time allows… and otherwise just kinda… wait.

Wait, and dream, and hope, and plan. But not too much. Trying to not live with one foot always in “tomorrow” (a nasty habit of mine). Trying to be grateful for this breather, this pressure-free space. Feels so abnormal, but… I think I like it! Trying not to propel myself into the next thing, but rather see if the next thing comes along all on its own.

And it always does, doesn’t it? One of the few things you can count on is that, eventually, things happen.

Suddenly, with this view, my life becomes very small. The years that have lead me to where I am are very short (I’m only twenty-flippin-six, for crying out loud). The years I have to get to places I want to be are very long. There is time.

There is time.

This last week I’ve been reading two very interesting books; Radical Homemakers and Possum Living. Both deal directly with some societal “givens” about the way of modern life and what participation in the money economy in America is actually getting us in terms of progression – both as individuals, families, and a community and nation. How we measure success, needs, wants, status quo, happiness and contentment – so much. In some ways, it’s been taking me to places I’m not so sure I wanted to go with myself.

As a gal who grew up largely in a suburban retirement/tourist area off the Florida gulf coast, the mainstream idea was pretty much the ONLY idea I heard. I understood the message that struggling financially was very embarrassing; having the less than perfect car or periods of unemployment was considered downright shameful. The area was enjoying the facade of the “good economy” and housing spikes and EVERY ONE seemed agreed that the use of debt/loans/credit cards as not only necessary but indeed complimentary to the good life and the American Dream.

I think most of us know the truth now. I don’t know a single person my age without one or more of the following skeletons in their closet: shopoholics, workoholics, debtors anonymous, bankruptcy, foreclosures, unemployment, divorce, the list goes on.

The facade began to shatter for me shortly after our move to Portland 3 years ago. Our debt to maintain a certain lifestyle while in college and barely making ends meet became unmanageable and we enrolled in a counseling service to close our accounts and make one monthly payment with a plan to get out of debt in about 3 years. For two years, our debt payment was more than our housing costs, and that burden fell largely on me, as I was the one with a set of skills, a work-at-home-business with steady clients, and no addiction in my way (though not entirely – my co-dependency on other people’s praise and my workaholic tendencies certainly helped me maintain that role!)

After Chris and I began the process of recovering from a cycle of dysfunction and compulsive behavior (a subject I don’t approach much on this blog but one that is very much a part of our story as people, a couple and a family), we faced a set of challenges financially, including another job loss for Chris due to economic downturn and a “surprise” pregnancy and 2nd child to raise. My own grieving process and healing from all that had happened to us was still very much a part of my life, and is and will continue to be. Sometimes putting all that aside to attempt the daily grind is damn near impossible. I went through a lot of counseling and soul searching to motivate myself every hour I continued to work these last two years – and that was on top of the sheer fact that having a 4 year old and baby to care for full-time is more than enough of an exhausting job as it is!

For my part, I played my role because it was what I was used to. I hate this… but I admit that a large part of my work ethic has been in many ways egotistical, and in other ways simply a grasp for control and security. I often made huge decisions based less on my confidence and trust in God, rather on my survivalist mentality of avoiding hypothetical scenarios of danger that lay ahead.

I am so much like the women of the old testament who knew God had a plan and promise for their future (such as bless them with children), yet they were too impatient and unfaithful to see what God had in store for them, so they contrived their own plan (like having their husband sleep with another woman to bare children) – only to later regret it and find ever more bizarre modes of behavior to continue to live as though they are the author and finisher of their own story. The good news is that God always seems to work out the story, even the marred ones these women created, for His purpose. Every step we took out of preliminary REACTION to a fear based hypothetical DID some how have many positive repercussions and invaluable life lessons and amazing people along the way. But by the grace of God I stand…

This week has been so hard for me. I’ve asked myself things I’ve asked myself SO many times – but this week the answers are coming in… maybe you just have to be desperate enough to hear them. Or maybe hearing God reply when you are finally too fed up with your own excuses. Here’s an example:

“Why are my kids so draining?”

“Your kids aren’t what drain you. Your anger is what drains you. Your reactions drain you. Your unrealistic expectations drain you.”

Ouch.

On the eve of Chris finally finding work, something we wrestled with all year, all these scales are falling from my eyes. It’s breaking me. Hard.

Questions about whether or not my work is meaningful, if the services I provide are in line with my values of ecological sustainability, social justice, family, and community (a part of Radical Homemakers which I just can’t shake). Fears about the what if’s, i.e. what if I take risks and make space in my time for more lofty goals and dreams to emerge — what if I risk being broke (and anyway, what else is new?;) ) to pursue a LIVING (not just a paycheck) that integrates my family life, helps my community, and gives me a sense of fulfillment of my creative human potential?

I tried to work this out with my own carefully researched plan (there goes that old testament woman thing I was referring to). For months I’ve been hard at work to open a Waldorf-inspired part-time playschool for preschool aged children. Oh, the countless hours I’ve poured over books and recorded seminars and sheet music and my garden… I thought, for sure, this is the only thing that I can do that doesn’t take away from the life I want to give my children yet brings in the income necessary for us to finish paying off our debts and buy some little parcel of land somewhere in which we can live out our (my?) dreams of a little homestead that requires little or no participation in money economy to operate.

But that was shot down this week, big time, in a way that I am still puzzled by and not sure where to go from here. The verbal agreement of my landlord, the scale-tipping fact that I used to act on signing a lease on this rental home, was renigged, and I am left wondering what it all means and what I should do now. This was my plan, my eggs in one basket, to get out of my jobs working late at night and spending my whole day tired and worried about deadlines (deadlines that, to me, were arbitrary save the “fact” that I “do not let people down”).

Chris can work 50 hours a week with this new job, but if anything has been learned these past 5 or so years, its that there is no such thing as security – not in those terms. We are both hard-workers, but different things make us tick. And whatever did it for me all these years, it’s not doing it for me anymore. I see my children, I see the sunshine, I see the world, and I want to be with it all. All the time. I can’t find the energy to spare for activities that drain my reserves and return only the monetary cracker here and there.

Thankfully, I’ve learned a few other things. Or rather, am in the process of learning.

We can live on very little. That’s one thing. Being thrifty and learning new skills, we can now live on less than half of what we used to need in our budget to make ends meet. We may not have lots of leftovers to sock away funds for our dream home, or afford health care, but we do live “the good life” in many ways. We choose to allocate funds towards disease prevention (i.e. nourishing, nutrient rich fresh meals), we spend more time together and in the earth, and less (or no) time in cars, malls, and in front of tv’s. I must remind myself of these things from time to time, otherwise my list of shortcomings feels overwhelming to me. Maybe not by societal standards, but by standards far deeper and wider and richer, I feel blessed.

So. I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will take to, in the words of Kierkegaard, “with God’s help… become myself”. I could go all philosophical and point out the theory that we ARE what we are. How can we be what we are not? Still, with a view of a Creator, I cling to the hope that I can change:

Learn patience, contentment, grace, love, humility, stewardship, integrity, and peace.

I don’t know how long I will be able to plug away at work in the money economy. Perhaps if I can see it as a means to an end, I can muster up the motivation and see the sacrifice of my time and family as worth it. I don’t know. I am learning, however, that many folks before me have blazed the trails of an alternative means of living on this planet. They have been able to see beyond a life of fight-or-flight decisions and future-worry that is not only counter-productive, but admonished by Christ himself. They have found a lifestyle that is largely self-sufficient, community building, and good for the earth.

That is the journey I am on. But here, in this post, I suppose I am lamenting my “two steps back” that are inevitably part of it. We have been given MORE than we deserve and have often squandered the generosity away by jumping the gun and looking like fools out there running, thinking we are ahead, only to realize too little too late what we have done.

Ah well, I guess I am no better than any one else, am I?

For those of you who haven’t heard, Chris interviewed for a job through a temp agency on Friday and they took the bait! He began working on Monday, woo hoo!

It sure has been different these last few days- going to bed early, waking up early… both kids usually stay asleep, allowing me at least 30 minutes to myself. What a treat to eat, drink my coffee, check my email, and knit for awhile in front of an open window as the neighborhood birds wake up. Bliss! Finding time to work, that’s another story. I can’t stay up late to work anymore or else I’m zombie mama in the morning and godzilla mama by the afternoon. I’m working on opening up a 3 days per week waldorf-inspired playschool, which I’m so excited about, but I have lots of logistics to iron out first. In the meantime, I’m trusting that I’ll find the time and energy to continue bringing in my share of the income while taking care of the youngins too. Just an adjustment, really. Life is so full of them!

A cardinal nest just outside our door reminds us that we are not the ONLY family living on this property

The days are long without adult company – I almost forgot what it was like. I allow myself only 5-10 minutes to pop onto the internet during the day so I don’t get sidetracked from the multitude of things I have to do around the house now that Chris is gone (sooo… laundry and dishes and trash and bathroom cleaning doesn’t just magically happen. Who knew?)

When there isn’t something to clean or something to cook or some one’s butt to wipe — believe it or not, there are teeny tiny windows of time where I am NOT doing one of the above — there is our Waldorf-inspired kindergarten curriculum (3 days per week), walks, gardening, stories, art, games, and so on. The part that is so outside the norm is the lack of adult conversation. I don’t know how single moms, or those with husbands working two jobs or also in night classes, do it. I suppose this is why community support and extended family around is such a necessity.

We have been baking a lot. A new favorite around here is the recipe I found for chocolate cookies using whole wheat pastry flour, raw sugar, and crunchy sea salt on top. Finally, a replacement for that darn addictive cookie dough from Immaculate Baking Co.! One batch of this recipe costs about the same as a pack of the dough, but makes probably 4 times the servings. I’ll share more pics and the link to the recipe later this week…

However, I’m enjoying it. There are low points to the day, but that’s a given. All in all, it is really nice to focus on just the house/kids/myself without having to take into account and balance the needs and conversations of another adult. And it makes the evening time together that much more special.

Yay, dad’s home!

We are currently reading through “Radical Homemakers ; Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture”. I love it. Wait, no, I didn’t say that right. I LOVE THIS BOOK AND THINK EVERY ONE SHOULD READ IT. NOW. PERIOD. THE END.

But more on that another day.

With all the rain, we’ve resorted to hanging laundry indoors. Cloth diapering without a dryer is… interesting.

With all the rain (A week or more of straight up RAIN, thunder, and lightening. NOTHING like the rain I was used to in Portland. This is torrential downpour weather) we realized that the chicken coop was placed in an area of the yard that was quickly becoming a mudslide — and not the yummy, ice creamy kind. So it was moved to a place further up on the “hill” where they are happily not feather deep in goop.

This opened up a new space in the yard that gets lots of sun and lots of rain. I am fast at work on a garden plan that would put more raised beds in that space, along with container blueberry plants, tater tires, and perhaps a fruit tree or two.

Coming this summer: dwarf sugar peas, pole beans, dragon tongue beans, and heirloom watermelon!

Our pole beans are shooting right up, as well. When the sun peeks out again, we’ll be setting up an 8′ high bean tepee in the yard to let them climb for a shady summer resting spot. It’s down right magical to watch little tiny seeds become plants taller than you are.

Life is beckoning me to live it now, so until next time…

Since the start of tree pollen season here in NW Arkansas, I have been feeling way more drained and tired than usual. It didn’t help that this coincided with a week or two long teething spell for Verity! I was so sleep-deprived and discombobulated – it felt as though I had just had my wee one, only I couldn’t rest all day because I had two to run after and jobs to keep!

Towards this last weekend, I felt in despair. I thought something must be wrong with me – I have had no energy or attention span to work for more than about 2 hours a day, and I couldn’t focus on the kids very well either. Combined with dizziness while gardening and a few other things, I finally checked in with myself and began to get a regimen for getting back up to “speed”

With the help of some great advice from friends as well as a few chapters of The Fourfold Path to Healing; Working with the Laws of Nutrition, Therapeutics, Movement and Meditation in the Art of Medicine, I realized I need to revamp my dietary laziness. I’m following the recommendation in the book now, as much as possible: 40% animal source, 40% vegetable source, 20% grain source. The animal source must be raw as often as possible (raw butter, raw milk, etc) or pasture-raised fresh meats not cooked at too high a temperature (and bone broths, etc), the vegetable source can be only steamed or raw, and the grain source (and legumes, nuts, etc) must be properly soaked or sprouted.

What does that all have to do with sleep, you ask? Well, you’ll have to get the book or begin following Weston Price literature to get the nitty gritty. In the nutshell, however; eating this way means you are giving you digestive system foods it can properly break down, leaving your body with more energy for the other systems and functions (including brain — hormone! — function). I already eat only organic produce, pasture-raised meat, and unrefined foods. But what I don’t do enough is soak and sprout. Maybe once a week for a split pea soup or black bean side, but otherwise I bake with whole wheat pastry flour, etc. I do get sprouted sandwich bread and sourdough artisan bread, however, because I already had a gist for the logic behind it. What I didn’t understand is was how much I needed to eat, what percentages, and how those 2 or 3 days of eating a muffin and a coffee or something similar was contributing to my low energy level and moods. Man, you slack off just a bit and WHAM, teething, allergies, illnesses – (”I get knocked down, but I get up again!”)

Moving on!

Another thing I changed a few days ago was my sleep pattern. I never take naps, and I rarely fall asleep before 1am. I also can’t fall asleep for at least 30 minutes. Then I nurse a few times in the night and wake up around 8am feeling like I just went to bed. I am not a morning person, never have been. I feel cranky and ethereal for a few hours and can barely function until I have some protein in my breakfast (bowl of cereal = raving lunatic. poached egg on steamed kale = happy mama.)

On Mother’s Day, I took for myself a rare treat. A nap. What was odd, to me, was that I felt tired again early that night and crashed about an hour earlier than usual. Then Chris let me sleep in on Monday morning and do you know when I woke up? 10 o’clock! This was more sleep than I have had in a span of DAYS this year. And finally, I didn’t feel guilty about it – I didn’t fret over all the things I didn’t get done because I was asleep. Instead, I felt calm (no! getting sleep helps you feel calm! Say it isn’t so!) and trusted that this is what my body needed to do to recuperate. If that means I get behind on a few things, maybe those things weren’t that important. Also, maybe I’ll have the attention span and energy to finish them better and faster once I’m rested. For a few days now, I’ve taken naps (which, according to this article, DOES make folks learn better and increases memory function) and getting to bed before midnight. Already, the quality of my waking is more alert and energized. Halle-flippin-lujah!

I should add that I’ve also been more conscientious about taking my fermented cod liver oil (SO important, esp for pregnant/nursing mama’s!) and adding to it a range of therapeutic essential oils to support my immune and digestive system. Also back on the bandwagon is my use of lacto-fermented beverages. I’ve been drinking my homebrewed kombucha daily but slacked off on my kefir smoothies. Until I read that the recommendation for me to fight fatigue is also to drink less water (flushes gut with water – not letting stomach vile do its job in digesting the food) and more lacto-fermented liquids instead (kefir smoothies, yum!)

So I’m going to continue this super nourishing diet, extra sleep to support that I nurse all night still (attachment parenting, respond respond respond! ), and cod liver and essential oils supplements. Besides being a little more energized, calm, and alert, my skin is less red and rashy (woo hoo!). I’ll touch back after a few weeks and let you know if anything else is changing.

THIS is what I love about allowing negative emotions to come to the surface, yet having the perspective that they are not evil or wrong or stupid, but just a message. A message to make a change and shift your priorities. The few weeks of fatigue and restlessness and worry prompted me to take the time to do some soul searching. I journaled about some things I need to do, including getting alone and girl time each week, starting yoga again, along with the diet change and more sleep. I prayed about some of these things, in particular that I would find a good Vinyasa yoga class in Fayetteville, and low and behold, today I was at the co-op and saw a flyer on the bulletin about a new 6 week series for Vinyasa flow. It’s on Sunday afternoons, a great open time block for me, and not very expensive either. I’m soooo relieved!

After a good night’s sleep, I also emerged with some answers to things that were bothering me. Career changes/ timing, Chris’ joblessness, the kids, so many things. What was clear to me when I awoke was this: I need to focus on my faith, writing, art, and family. Period. The financial situation will iron itself out, likely in a way that I can’t even foresee right now. But having mini-breakdowns every week because there is no time for the things my heart and mind is needing more of is making me less productive and less joyful, more tired and more stressed out.

The blog, something I was ready to give up for lack of time to commit to it, might end up sticking around, if only for a place to share my thoughts. I’ll be taking a writing course with my neighbor soon (who actually named herself Ryder – cause she is a writer – which I think is so bold it’s cute). Next I want to take some watercolor courses. I’ve always felt really dyslexic when it comes to watercolor as a medium, and I want to remedy that.

Oh! And I’ll be hosting a summer reading group (through Vintage) to discuss the book “Radical Homemakers; Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture“. Can you see a theme here? Doing things good for my soul, learning to let go of roles I don’t need to cling to anymore, taking a leap of faith – eventually hoping to be more generous and infectiously joyful in a world so riddled with greed, fret, and hopelessness. Wish me luck

Well, I won’t go on – this is getting rather long. And I have a playdate, so…

Be the Light,

Mama

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.
Each by itself has its pitfalls and perils. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair…
The mark of solitude is silence, as speech is the mark of community.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Perhaps the lack of silence and solitude is the hardest part about being a full-time mommy. If speech is the mark of community, as Dietrich claims above, then by golly, I’ve had no shortage of community for about 5 years now. From 24/7 motherhood, to church, friends, family, marriage, even a co-housing situation – speech/community has been everywhere. And there have been far too many seasons of imbalance in which the “life with others” part of my life is way overpowering the “life alone” part, which plunges me more times than I care to recount into the “void of words and feelings”.

My hope is that I can be more grateful for this time in life, knowing I will miss the noise of children when they grow up and leave home. Despite a throat/ear area swollen from allergies right now, I am trying really hard to remind myself that from the mouths of babes and infants He has ordained praise (and not just mind-blowing volume-defying nonsense!)

It’s all about balance. Balancing the noise with the silence. SO hard to do with kids around you all the time but I must find a way. I’ve got some ideas so maybe I’ll come back to the blog when I’ve implemented them

In the meantime, a photo journey of the noise/silence journey of this last week…

silence.

noise.

silence.

noise.

silence.

noise.

silence.

Hark! The sea-faring wild-fowl loud proclaim
My coming, the swarming of the bees.
These are my heralds, and behold! my name
Is written in blossoms on the hawthorn-trees.
I tell the mariner when to said the seas;
I waft o’er all the land from far away
The breath and bloom of Hesperides.
My birthplace. I am Maia. I am May.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This week has been absolutely full with a teething baby-turned-1 year old (sleepless nights, oh my, the fatigue!) and when not tending to children we’ve been busy planting and readying the yard. We put in a 20′ x 4′ vegetable bed in the backyard, continued to chop away at overgrown honeysuckle TREES (yes, they are huge here! and very prolific!), clear out lose branches from last Winter’s snowstorms, and plant two garden beds. In the front yard, we’ve put in a small 3′ x 8′ vegetable bed and planted flowers and a dogwood tree at the front of the walkway to liven up the curbside a bit. All of this is preparation for some special plans that are shaping up, so despite the recreational connotation of gardening, we are indeed working hard towards an important goal too. This weekend we’ll celebrate May Day very casually, a backdrop to the prep work taking the forefront of our activity this month. Sunday plans include finishing the chicken coop and next week the arrival of our starts to get the veggies in the ground. (Phew!)

I’m struggling with my need to recuperate and refocus before changing gears career-wise, while faced with the reality of lose ends I must tie up before I am free to pour my whole self into my new venture. Also, the “Position Filled” responses keep coming in on job ads Chris has applied to, reminding me to keep surrendering my worries that work opportunities are still scarce for him. I’m trying to stay positive and present while shedding some baggage. My heart aches to focus solely on my role as wife and mother, a role that I have often sacrificed in the name of survival – attempting to be the main bread winner AND childcare provider for our family for the last 4 years. Until recently, I would not have entertained the thought of letting go of this role, largely out of fear, of loss of control, of being thought of as unwise. The shifts in my focus have been culminating for about 3 years now, (beginning homeschool of Ethan, having a second child, and leaving a city I otherwise loved in order to pursue a lifestyle that would allow us to switch roles) all have been building to this sort of climatic moment when we must make some more decisions.

I see so many “signs” around me that I am right where I need to be, and that is encouraging. I have a deep sense of the importance that taking a leap of faith needs to be whole-hearted as well as mindful. I see a future in which I am not up late at night working anymore; I have more energy in the morning, am free to focus on the relationships in my life and create a home for my family without the stress of multiple deadlines and the guilt of having so little left to give.

With this, I also plan to take OFF my plate any thing that doesn’t need to be there. Writing for this blog is one of them. I plan to continue writing and journaling privately, and instead using MamaSeasons as more of a photo blog. As a person who has always found over committing to be a very tempting way of life (!), I’ll have to exercise a lot of discipline to let go of the excess and streamline my time. I just keep telling myself: the kids are only young once. Right now, creating a loving, balanced environment for them is my top priority.

Ok, I suppose I have rambled long enough! Have a Happy May Day, everyone! May your May hold promise and purpose!

*First, a little business: Sarah- you were the winner of “Families, Festivals and Food”! Get me your address and I’ll get it in the mail!*

Life is mysterious. I know – how profound. But for real. And irony sure seems an ever present element in the journey. The criss crossy topsy turvy Oh-The-Places-You-Will-Go-Dr.Suess-ish-ness… I don’t even try to figure it out much anymore. The last 2 years of my life have defied or exceeded all of my former constructs. I am more convinced of the creative brilliance of the Creator of the Universe and less of the textbook, Sunday school “god” than ever before. I also get more angry and confused about it all. Sometimes it’s as absurd as growing and shrinking upon a bite of this and a sip of that down in that hurried little rabbit’s hole.

Some of you are nodding and the rest of you, if you are still reading, have glazed over eyes. I guess my mind has been full as of late. We’ve gone through a lot of changes and more are to come. For me, I’m trying to make decisions about what to focus on for awhile, even if that means sacrificing financial security. As I type, Chris is out applying at a new “green” home building retail store that just opened here in Fayetteville. The hours are perfect and his experience is so well matched, so yes, we are really crossing our fingers and saying our prayers. But he has lots of applications on lots of desks right now and who knows what the right thing will be at the right time. So we are playing a bit of the waiting game, while my own aptitude for pressing on as a work-at-home-mother with two young children in my care full time dwindles. My prayer right now is for a period of refreshing and refocusing to come, and soon!

Ok, I digress with a slideshow from Earth Day with my parents here in Fayetteville with us (sooo nice!):

Things were a little busy last week – we spent a lot of time with new friends, helped build a really cool barn style chicken coop (ours is going up next!), had a lovely day in the country (Ethan skinny dipped for the first time!), had my first Arkansas tick experience (ew!), then went immediately into prep for Chris’ big spanish style birthday shindig. We made 20 pounds of pulled pork, slow cooked for 2 days in a crock pot with lots and lots of garlic, limes and adobo. We had about 4 gallons of slow cooked black beans and rice, along with a big beautiful salad, fresh bread, lots of plaintains and even mofongo! The event was a great excuse to spend time with family and food!

Here’s some pictures of the event and other happenings this week (along with some fun pics of my dreads, now 3 months old )
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So speaking of family, festivals, and food: This is the title of one of my very favorite books. I picked it up when Ethan was about 2 years old and began to gravitate right away to what I learned about Waldorf celebrations. Lately I’ve been reading more and more books and listening to training workshops, all in preparation for something I have yet to tell you guys about but when I do I’ll be so happy to share with you all!

So, today was a rough day. I am fighting a cold, Chris and I are both very tired, Ethan and Verity are both incredibly high needs and the noise level is constant! Not to mention that I have lots and lots of work to make up and I highly doubt I will finish it all. With sore throat and ears ringing, I felt impatient and unnerved today – two things I really don’t like about myself, I must admit. I remember seeing this video recently of a Waldorf home-based educator who said that when she notices the energy of the children getting really rowdy, she first checks her own breathing. That came to mind today, as I strove to check myself as a potential contributor to the wild pent-up rainy day boredom energy of the kids.

So instead of raising my voice for the umpteenth time (working on it!), I told Ethan to be still and silent as much as he could while Chris took Verity off on a drive to fall asleep. While this was happening I made a pot of “Quiet Child” tea from Mountain Rose Herbs and the “Best Oatmeal Cookies” from that well-loved go-to book: Family, Festivals, and Food!

What you can’t experience over this screen is just how tasty and warm these simple little things are. Things are feeling cozier and quieter already…

Well, if you’d like to try them, leave a comment about something you use to help ground yourself or the kids on an everything-is-going-wrong kinda day. Next week, I’ll pick a winner randomly and mail you my extra copy of this book! In it you will find seasonal activities, recipes, verses and songs, and stories for your family to celebrate the year.

My intention: to release. When my palms are aching from holding too tight, and my neck is sore from the tension of the load – put it down, drop the line, just release it all.

The expectations. The fears. The anxiety. The selfishness. The opinions. The consumption. The pain. Just let it go.

Embrace, instead, the reality of true freedom to Just Be. The reality of Love Incarnate.

Here are some pictures from this week:

A discarded robin’s egg found in the backyard reminds us: hippity, hoppity, Easter is on it’s way!

The office is very much a greenhouse at the moment. along with 42 heirloom tomato plants, we’ve got oodles of sprouts already from herbs, peppers, lettuce, melons, gourds, and more. Along with a huge assortment of sprouts from a tray Ethan plated all by himself for his flower garden: foxglove, sunflowers, columbine, california poppy, chinese lantern, money plant, marigolds, zinnia – the list goes on! It’s going to be so beautiful this summer!

Verity and I were on the news Saturday night! Talking about the farmers market (I was a total dweeb. I didn’t even realize this was for the local news, I said something like “good luck on your project!” to the young man as we parted ways- for some reason I thought he was a university student, lol! Then my landlord called to tell me it was good to see me on the 5 o’clock news! Ha…)

Finished Verity’s “pixie” easter bonnet

Ethan got a handmade easter basket at the farmer’s market. I admired the flowers, pottery, amazing bluegrass musicians, and handspun yarns. I purchased a huge local smoked ham (which a portion of is currently crocking for split pea soup dinner!)

My knitting and laptop are never safe from Verity’s curious little hands…

I’ve been spending ample time in the backyard, enjoying the new blooms while the kids play in their sandbox. We’ve been doing more garden bed prep, and have put up a nice clothes line set. Also found a $25 picnic table to put out there, above which is strung white christmas lights. Can’t wait for outdoor dining again!

It’s certainly getting green out there…

Easter baskets lined with sprouts (real grass!) holding hardboiled eggs, yogurt covered raisins and pretzels, a coconut bar, and a few gifts: a dragon bubble wand, beeswax modeling clay, and beeswax block crayons (for Ver), all courtesy of Bella Luna Toys. Ethan also got a “Milo” to play with his “Otis”, and a replacement “Scorch” for the one he lost and still couldn’t live without.

Ethan playing with new neighborhood friends: a sweet polish family who lives a few doors down who we bump into on our evening walks.

I guess that about does it!

Today: enjoy the release.