I feel this week as though so much has changed. A simple, yet profound, shift has taken place. Will it last? Dear God, I hope so.

First of all, I have home schooled. Really home schooled. It’s been a long time. Since before we moved into the community house nearly, what, 10 months ago. Does this mean we did worksheets, flashcards, field trips and quizzes? No.

This week: Ethan made bread. He made Advent candles. He started ice skating lessons. He watercolored his heart out. He played with his nature table for HOURS each day. He didn’t watch TV and stopped asking for movies. He started taking 1 hour naps at the same time each day. He started whining less. He started reasoning with himself rather than arguing with us for the heck of it. He didn’t fight much at bedtime. He used his imagination. He learned new songs. He played outdoor games. He fell more in love with his sister. He fell more attached to his stuffed dragon, Scorch (who now comes everywhere, even ice skating.) He also enjoyed mama’s raw milk hot cocoa every day after his nap. His low point was a boy fight with a friend on Monday – the next time he saw him, however, I heard him say, “Let’s not fight anymore, okay? I really want to play good with you.”

Another endearing thing he said: “Mama, wow. God gave you really special eyes. They are beautiful. Like the inside of kiwi berries.”

He’s ran up and hugged me out of sheer excitement and joy several times a day. We’ve bowed a namaste to each other to share a moment of appreciation, a new “bit” we share.

This week: I spent time with my son. I gave him my attention. I mustered up more energy. I took two yoga classes. I didn’t work much (sigh. the tradeoff? I hope not…). I knitted two waldorf wool gnomes and made one floor puppet waldorf doll for Christmas presents, purchased an amazing wooden kitchen set made just this week by a local grandpa woodcraftsman to gift my children with for Advent/Christmas morning, made lots of soup, made lots of simple oatmeal cookies, made my FIRST loaf of bread in the oven, finally ordered a copy of All Year Round, ice skated with my son for an hour, and oh so much more. When I wasn’t with the family I was either working or feverishly crafting for the holidays. It’s been a tad glorious.

I also moved to a new blog, but kept the archive for mamaneedjava. In many ways I had outgrown that skin. And staying in it was holding me back creatively. The theme was too scattered and it wasn’t growing with me as I’d hoped. The audience was scattered, too. As delicately as I can put this, I must admit that I am now writing for an audience of peers, not extended family members simply looking for an update on the kiddos.

You see, MamaNeedJava began as an experiment in three things: 1. to exercise my writing, 2. to record mine and my childrens’ happenings, and 3. to integrate all of the various aspects of myself, the different “parts” I show and play for different people in my life, into one open-book, transparent, what-you-see-is-what-you-get-Vivian. And I’m so glad I did; It was a great experiment. It DID do all of those things for me. It totally fulfilled its purpose.

But now its time to scale back. Now its time to be vulnerable and transparent, but with more freedom and purpose. I can send photos and updates via email, but here, at Mama Seasons, is where I journal. Here is where I explore my limits, reflect, and set intentions. I want Mama Seasons to be for me another yoga mat; a place all my own, where I can feel weighted as well as the weightless, where I can feel as small as a child and as strong as a warrior in a matter of moments, where I can even doze off if I want to. I want this blog to be a safe place for me to do all this. A place where insecurities of others isn’t blasted into my comments nor the concerns of well-meaning parents show up in my inbox. This isn’t the place for that anymore. This is more intimate, more private. Please respect.

This is the place where I walk the path, and where ever I am is okay. This is the place where I spot “findings” on the side of the trail and bring them here to share with the walkers beside me, in mutual appreciation for this journey’s highs and lows.

As I continue to format and update the new blog, enjoy old entries of MamaNeedJava (with a grain of salt ), and look forward to picturesque moments caught on camera, Advent thoughts and ideas, and other Mama Seasons findings for the month of December.

Update on Verity!

She’s roughly 4.5 months and weighs 18 pounds (gained 10 pounds since birth). She is also verifiable sitting up all the time now (one step closer to being able to ride my bike again!!!) I just grabbed the camera to capture this mile marker, as well as her hand/mouth coordination with grabbing her toys and stuff. She will be running around with her brother in NO TIME!

She still nurses whenever the heck she wants to, is worn 99% of the time, sleeps right next to me, and sleeps about 11pm through 4am straight most nights, wakes to nurse frequently in the early morning but stay asleep until about 9 or 10am. She then cat naps all day, literally only 20 minutes at a time sometimes. She is very similar to Ethan at this stage; loudly verbal, curious, and strong.

(sorry about the spit up in the video and the fact that its sideways! lol) This is kinda long and boring and there is no sound so basically if you are a grandparent, eat your heart out; all other readers, you can pretty much skip this entire post

I just got back from a community dinner with our friends down the street. The vegan potluck features many delicious meals which I scooped out by the heapfuls and piled on a small dessert plate for Ethan and I to munch on. But just when I thought I had it comfortably full, I turned around and noticed THREE MORE dishes on the stove! What to do?!

Boy, this is life, zapped into this little kitchen surrounded by amazing opportunities. Choosing what I want on my plate is definitely one of the major themes this month.

Within just a few weeks of Verity’s birth, I already began working (from home) again and within a month I was starting to be involved in Ethan’s homeschooling and joined a Friday homeschool group. I tried to be cautious about my involvement and commitment level to the various offers out there, from putting in time with my local church to taking on more roles (and hours, and even new clients) in my business, to starting a 3x a week running schedule to do the 5k this Sunday, to signing up for random things like mommy and me yoga on Wed. and Sat. and Village Home classes on Tuesday and quickly, quickly, I am realizing, my schedule got FULL.

SO full, in fact, that when I turn around and notice all the pots still on the stove, I have no more room and things begin to overlap and fall off. Not good.

Fact of the matter is, I am a mom with 2 young kids; one who is an infant and one who is homeschooled by yours truly. I work between 20-40 hours a week, depending on the work flow, from home with only my darling husband as “childcare”. I often work a few long days per week and then other days all night, in order to make up for the days I must take off to participate in field trips and community events and so on. Oh, and let’s not forget spending a tad of my time with my “intentional community” at the Kenton House and, of course, my husband and marriage (and weekly counseling and reading material and all those things that come with that!) And then there’s the wee time to blog, or knit, or watch a movie, or have tea with friends. You get the picture.

The point is, my time is valuable. And there is a time for everything under the sun. And it is all meaningless. LOL (okay, that was a tad out of context, but sometimes it feels that way, heh? Solomon certainly was wise!)

Where am I going with this? Here it is –

Today was Ethan’s first day of school at Village Home. We were SO looking forward to it. Here’s how it went:

Up working til passed midnight last night, nursed twice in the night, woke up at 7:30am to get kids dressed, ran out just before 9am with no breakfast (the kitchen was too full) so we ran to Posies, ate our breakfast in the car on the way, got there (in Beaverton) 5 minutes late. Got to class 10 minutes late.

First class of the day? Word World. Hmmm, how do I sum this up? The teacher mainly passed out worksheets. The lowlight of this was when another mother did Ethan’s FOR him. Yes, she sat there and told him every single answer to a worksheet he already knew how to do, not even letting him guess himself. I suppose his size deemed he needed the help but I was stunned silent and didn’t know what to do. I actually had to walk out of the room! I was like, if I’m going to spend an hour watching my son do TWADDLE, at least let him do it himself! lol Then a story was read, Blueberries for Sal, which we’ve been reading allllll summer long. Then they did another worksheet and colored in things that are blue. What? This is a $50 class (for the semester). So that was a little of a bummer, but I was still hopeful.

Then there was Move and Groove, a dance class. Ethan was very shy about moving about and following the teacher. He constantly wanted to be up at the front, talking to instructors, rather than following along. I watched him pick his nose on the sidelines for about 20 minutes (I’m not kidding, either, he dug out some good ones) before I was able to pass off the baby to Chris so I could go do ALL the dancing activities WITH him for another 40 minutes. It was fun, but I will not be able to do that each week, as the morning classes were going to be the hubby’s duty and the afternoon classes were going to be my duty. So this was definitely not a permanent solution. And I definitely felt that he was not that interested in the class, AT ALL.

The highlight of the day was meeting up with a home school mom from our Friday group and her son and going out to lunch (Korean, yum!). We rushed back for “Knitting” which was basically a small group of knitters, over half of whom were tweens learning for the first time. Ethan was frustrated doing his finger knitting in front of people and ended up practicing his “common words” flash cards instead. I was beginning to feel like this exhausting day was not really worth our time, or our money, but I wanted to get through the last class.

Organic Gardening. This is perhaps the best class of the day, which involves an instructor answering our questions that come up about our home gardens all the while we are weeding and planting and what not a space at the school with two small raised beds. It was fun – but alas. We have a garden at home. We do this every day. Do we need to travel 3 hours both ways via lightrail and spend our entire day here for that?

So we finally get home at about 4:30. I promptly start the meal for the vegan potluck and Ethan is a great little cook with me, helping me clip the tips of the green beans, par-boil them, add the cherry tomatoes and stir in the dressing. I talked to him about the day.

He says he enjoyed himself. He says he wants to go back. And I know on some level he does. This is hard!

But I asked him if he wanted to hit a storytime each week at the library like we used to instead of going to the reading class for a story, and that we’ll still see William and Brianna several times a week for playdates and our Friday group. I remind him that we dance together everyday, so we can still do this at home, as well as garden and knit. But if he REALLY wants to keep going on Tuesdays, I say, then okay – I’ll keep trying to make it work.

In the end, he admits that he could do without the Tuesday school day, in exchange for the dancing, knitting, gardening and reading we already do anyway, integrated into our daily life so effortlessly.

This was all such an odd experience. I thought I would love starting this little “homeschool” classes day, but I realized even more why I chose to do what I do: Because learning is so alive, so vivid, so individual; Because peers should be mixed ages, mixed abilities, mixed walks of life; Because life should be organic and integrated and rhythmic- not a rush and a squeeze and a stress; Because our time should be FULL with not only wonderful activities but also plenty of open slots for spontaneity, generosity — even so-called “inconveniences”!

I end the day right now reflecting on how grateful I am to live the life I do. I love that Ethan’s classroom is the world, his teachers are all around him and his learning happens constantly. He thrives in it and he’s confident in it, he has dear friends as well as casual playmates. Upon carrying bags full of plums from our tree to our neighbors yesterday, it occured to me that he also has a “grandpa and grandma” figure right next door, as well as “Aunts” a few doors down from him, with dogs he gets to play with since he doesn’t have one, lol. (Chickens I can handle. Dogs? No.)

In Portland, we are building, (ever so slowly sometimes!) a surrogate family – complete with odd characters, clumsy experiences, and — eventually — roots. A few weeks ago I was seriously at my wits end with homesickness and wondering if I should just pack it up and move in with in-laws back in Florida!!! But since “hanging in there”, I see evidence each new day that we are here for a reason and that things are actually going quite well.

So long as I can keep my plate open enough for community experiences that matter, I think we’ll do just fine.

(On a related note, our Kenton House will be the new NoPo – the short name for North Portland- Home Group at Evergreen! I am very excited to get some more intimate and smaller experiences with a group of great people while we shares meals — and lives– together. Pray for us!)

I love seasons. Love them. And I always get super excited for the next one just when I’m getting a bit bored with the current.

With that in mind, FALL IS ALMOST HERE!!!!

Crunchy, leafy, yummy fall! Oh, Portland autumn is just to die for.

There are a plethora of area events going on, making it really hard to have any down time in order to catch it all. We’ll bypass things like the Pirate Festival (aaaarg.), but we’ll plan to make it to a few others. Many are quickly becoming an annual family tradition:

Evergreen Community Camping Trip
Sept 11-13th
(View my coverage of last years here!)

The Shrewsbury Renaissance Faire
Sat. Sept. 19th
I am SO looking forward to this event as the homeschool group heads out here for the day, and can’t wait to see what bits of history Ethan learns! I need to quickly think of some type of costume for us, though!

Sun. Sept 20th
Race for the Cure!
The gal pal team of Misty, Amy, Lindsey, Nicole and I (wow, do those names sounds like the make of a good cheerleading squad or what?!) will be doing the timed race this year. Donation link is in my right sidebar- I really need a little more funding so if you feel so inclined, please make your way over there!

CHICAGO
Sept. 23-27th
I am WAY excited to spend several days with my friend and colleague while we work side by side instead of email to email. (I’ve never been to Chicago, but honestly I’m more excited about late nights falling asleep to Gilmore Girls after a full days work )

The Corn Maize at the Sauvie Island Pumpkin Patch
Oct 5th
The homeschooling group will going together this day, and I might try to fannagle some Evergreeners for another one the next week complete with the bonfire rental like last year… we’ll see what happens.
(View our coverage last year here! – same place as the previous link)

Annual Apple Tasting at the Portland Nursery
(See our post about last year’s here!)
“Portland Nursery
Friday-Sunday October 9, 10, 11 2009
Friday-Sunday October 16, 17, 18, 2009
Every year bring in the holiday spirit, turn on the music, and bring out the holiday cookies. Special children’s area with toys and decorations to delight all ages. Our open house is your first chance to see our stores decorated for the season.”

People’s Co-Op Harvest Festival
I haven’t found the dates on this, but its an annual thing and is sure to fall within this time period…
View our coverage of it two years ago here.

The Fall will be a little busy, yes, as ALL Falls are in Portland with young kids, I’m coming to realize. On top of area events, we’ll be hosting a home community at our Kenton House, hosting the homeschooling group here once a month, and my friend/colleague from Chicago will be visiting mid-October as well! I’m sure there will be the annual Evergreen halloween party and trick or treating on the 31st too. In November, I’m hoping to convince the Hubster that a 2 week trip to FL is in order (esp while the tickets are only $188!!!)

I admit, I can’t wait for Fall this year ESPECIALLY because my adorable kids will look so cute in their mama-made knitted hats Tee hee.

I saw this post’s title on a job ad recently, and while I have enough sense to know that such a job would most likely be a scam, I still felt myself abrupt with an outloud, “YES!” to answer the question.

Tired. Tired of running uphill. Tired of rent, tired of excess, tired of barely making ends meet. TIRED.

It’s been six month’s since we began this community house, and its been a good process for us. But what I’m finding myself conclude lately is that IT DOESN’T END HERE. The simplifying, the community digging/relationship building, the sustainable lifestyle – we want MORE of it.

We’ve made some 5 year goals that include selling everything and living out of an RV until we have saved enough to pay off what’s left of our debt after bankruptcy, followed by the dream of buying a small plot of land and building some sort of amazing, sustainable “tiny house” on it and continuing to raise healthy, beautiful children within a community of love, love, love.

We dream of the day that we get more personal mail from loved ones than bills from collectors; When we have more potluck meals with our community than peanut butter sandwiches in separate rooms. I hear all the time people talk about the need for space, like it’s a scientific fact. I think we Americans value our space TOO much. The majority of the world lives with their family all their lives, in smaller bedrooms or no bedrooms at all. We don’t need MORE space – we need LESS space. We need to be MORE tolerant, MORE flexible, MORE selfless. We need to be more FREE of the trappings of modern life in order to be FREE to “give freely and fully to anyone who has need”.

With our goals set, the sky is currently the limit with regards to what we need to do to GET there: living in ANYthing (RV? Mobile home? Community home? Commune? In-laws? YES!), living ANYwhere (”vhaaat?! does this mean she is willing to leave PORTLAND?!!?!?!?!” YES!), that affords us the opportunity to save our money, love each other, and grant us the mental/spiritual/emotional/physical freedom to dream of what is next.

While I await the road signs of what comes next, I dream of a life of backyard pleasures, fruit trees, family meals around a fireplace, endless great books, linens drying in the sun, a family bed and a rocking chair; I also dream of friends who have become family and family who have become friends.

Sleep tight. Dream big.

(And let me know if you have a similar dream- maybe we can join efforts!)

more of a series of general ramblings…

Ethan’s been doing a lot better with the last week of intentional time each day and a somewhat predictable schedule (I do morning meal, lessons, games in his room through lunch, Chris takes over for outdoor play and then a quiet time through til dinner and bedtime). I haven’t been able to work as much or as freely. I’m realizing that I really need to have a good segment of hours to devote each day because otherwise its almost not worth it to try to switch my brain from work mode to home mode and back again all day long for small segments. I am feeling the pressure of being the main earner as of now, which is difficult in that I want more time with family and to devote to the kids but then I also need more work in order to make ends meet. The Great Mom Dilemma of the last 50 years, eh? (Hooray, my friend Feminism. You have accomplished SO much, and yet still so little.)

This “schedule” (more or less) will be changing a bit in the Fall, as we will be spending our Tuesdays and Thursdays at Village Home for classes in: Tae Kwon Do; Sing, Play, Dance; Family Knitting; Organic Gardening; Lego Building Club; and a community services class.

Mondays will be spent much like today: A family walk to the library, hitting Peninsula Park’s beautiful rose garden and playground on the walk back, lunch and quiet time while I work through til dinner. Here are some pics of our family time and Ethan showing off his new “Summer Reading Program 2009″ t-shirt he got for completing however many days of reading. (Also sneaked in are some pics of his lesson time last week.)

I’ve picked up my library copy of Living Simply with Children and so far I really like it. The tagline explains it: “A Voluntary Simplicity Guide for Moms, Dads, and Kids Who Want To Reclaim the Bliss of Childhood and the Joy of Parenting”. From fewer toys to TV to caring for the earth to being involved in the community to long-term goals to simplify, its all about enjoying your family more and not being on the “Work-Spend-Work treadmill”.

I have wanted that lifestyle since I can remember thinking of a lifestyle at all. If I need to work, I need it to be enjoyable and to not overstep on the boundaries of the rest of my life. When managers for the clock-in-clock-out work I held years and years ago would be upset about, say, me not coming in to fill a low shift, etc, I was always puzzled. And annoyed. I didn’t like, and still don’t, when anyone implies that I am wrong for under valuing XYZ that THEY think I should make a top priority. To them, this job/class/whatever was their life. To me, it was a means to make a little money so I could ENJOY the rest of my life. Having Ethan increased this feeling to the umpth degree. I am praying daily that Chris will be able to get some clients soon and that together we will see this vision of Family FIRST actualized while we integrate a part-time work-at-home lifestyle into our simple lives at home. There is just SO much life to live, so many places to see and things to do, so many conversations and laughs to be had, hobbies to start, — and foods to cook! I can’t imagine spending 6am – 6pm at the same job 5+ days a week and having only a few hours in the evening to give to myself or family.

Anyway, I DIGRESS.

I mentioned hobbies to start. Last night I had a bit of a knitting breakdown. Knitting: it’s amazing. I love it. But sometimes, I hate it. I hate when something simple takes forever but you’re too “in the zone” to put it down. I hate spending like 30 hours on a gift for someone, and seeing their face when you give it to them, like they have no idea how long it took or how much that time was worth, like it was just put into a machine in China somewhere and wa la, its on the shelf at Wal-mart and worth $7! I hate that knitting forces me to be sooooo patient with myself, with my hands, with the yarn and slippery needles.

It is all these things and more that I also love about knitting. Knitting forces contemplation and meditation. Gift giving. Patience. Stick-to-it-ness. I’ve been reading “Knitting for Good” and learning about the whole world of new things knitting can do, both internally (the rhythm, the meditation, the slower pace) and externally (knitting for charities and ill friends, etc).

Currently on the needles? The jungle animal baby mobile for logan, Fingerless gloves that will probably end up as a gift, a Celtic Cable patterned neck warmer that will also end up as a gift, a rocketship for Ethan, and a hat for Chris.

Should I stop talking about knitting? Yeah, I think so. But not before I show you the hat I made last week for Chris’ aunt: an orange hemp beret:

In other news, Chris aunt/uncle and two teen cousins are here for the week. We spent a good deal of our weekend with them out and about, doing the plethora of Portland markets, including Farmers, Artisan, and the Hawthorne Street Festival. We also went to the wedding reception of our sweet friends Aaron and Joelle, our fellow Lost devotees who have watched the seasons with us since moving to Portland 2 years ago and have (finally) now tied the knot! Woot!

Today is birth control day! Might be extra crampy after this. If all goes well, this will have been a really great option for “closin up shop” in my womb for awhile! My heart holds the dream of a third child in the future. I’m excited to see who that little person might be, but for now, we are working on the marriage and two little people we already have with us

Interesting side note: in my circle of siblings, there will have been born FIVE new babies in a one year period of March 09 – March 10. Us Cajuns have always been kinda good at reproducin’, heh? But, sisters, seriously, SLOW DOWN! I can’t keep up with my knitting for all these new babies! LOL

There’s been some talk amongst the family lately, of course with Verity’s arrival, that resembles the fun guessing-the-features-game: “Oh, he/she looks JUST LIKE your great uncle Chester, but he/she totally has Grandma’s pinkie toes!!!”

Which got me thinking, so I pulled out some photos and threw together this fun little comparison for us to smile over

(FYI – Betsy is Chris’ mom, and Ian is my brother- or as I like to call him, Ethan-Number-One because, folks, that’s just scary.)

Happy fathers day!!!

Don’t have time to write much but lots of pics to share! Enjoy the slideshow!

So it has been a while since I have posted anything on this site. While sitting here at work on my lunch break and most likely after, I have some time on my hands. This life has given me plenty of..too many actually..times to choose the wrong choice. So I sit here now thinking about how to make the best decisions with this second chance at life, with my family, since having chosen a different path exactly one year ago.

Things have been looking up for me and oddly enough I have been pretty blessed. I have been considering going back to school and it just so happens that I will finally be getting my diploma and transcripts from the university I graduated from in 2007! Woohoo! All I need to do is figure out what to go back to school for. I have been thinking about Sociology..maybe a masters in that. Strangely enough I am excited at the possibility of learning in school instead of just getting it over with. I am very interested in seeing how I view education now that I am seeing things with a new set of eyes. Anyway, that is something that I have to decide with Vivian. Unfortunately, getting your post graduate degree is expensive. I am still paying for my undergraduate degree.

So back to my gratitude list:

1. God has been there for me even when I did not want Him. I have fought with Him for years. Self was my god. When I went back to Him, I felt unworthy to say His name. I could not gather the courage to be someone that could ask Him for help. But after my life came to a crossroads..I was left with no choice. He was all I had. And of course, He was what I needed. So I am here only because of Him.

2. Vivian is amazing. When I think of strength, courage, patience, joy, love, and especially grace, my wife is that. My wife has the ability to, taking it day by day of course, let me show her love. She shows me love back more than I deserve. I don’t know how she is able to show it as much especially with Verity and Ethan who are needing some as well. So that to say, Vivian is my love.

3. Ethan and Verity..what can I say. I am grateful that they are in my life, but sometimes I don’t know if they will feel the same of me. Ethan unfortunately had the father who was selfish for most of his life. I am trying to be the father he needs now. Let me tell you, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Thank God for books that help with being a better parent. I swear when I read these books, and they give an example about the parent who withholds love, who loves conditionally, they might as well have used my name. Besides, I would have loved a percentage from the copies sold. I am gaga over Verity. I am hoping she can get a head start with a father who is trying to change into a better man unlike Ethan did. Those are just some things I think about all the time.

4.Family is important to me. When I say family, I mean of course parents, aunts, etc.., but I also mean housemates, friends, church, and other support groups. All of these are gifts from God that have brought me to where I am now. Every interaction has helped me get to where I am now. I used to think of family as “blood” relatives. I have grown enough to love everyone as if they are my brothers or sisters. This goes for anyone I have had any resentment towards and vice versa. I am learning to love!

5. Portland is something that I am grateful for as well. I can’t say how blessed I am to have moved here. Being in this city of imperfection is encouraging. Our community house is great! I think of when it was just our family in an apartment and realize that it was lonely. It is much better with another family. Portland is where we found our current church. This city has the best food too which always hits home for me. But you know..the city has tons of needs as well. Especially the people that are homeless. Whenever I get the chance, I like volunteering at the Portland Rescue Mission. For me it is very personal when I get a chance to be selfless like this. I see people that have been through things that make me realize that I am never too far from being there. Most people there are results of addictions taking over their lives. I can see myself and my future if I stayed on the wrong path when I look into their eyes. So that said, this imperfect city is home.

Well, it might be another month before I can reflect and have something to write about. The future is uncertain. There are alot more things I am grateful for but I will save them for later. Mostly I hold on to the first since without it, nothing else can follow. It is nice being able to share on this. I guess I am grateful for that as well!

6. Mamaneedjava.com for a place to share my thoughts.