Will not be blogging this week to care for a heavy heart and be more prayerful about a situation in my extended family. “See” you all after my break.

*First, a little business: Sarah- you were the winner of “Families, Festivals and Food”! Get me your address and I’ll get it in the mail!*

Life is mysterious. I know – how profound. But for real. And irony sure seems an ever present element in the journey. The criss crossy topsy turvy Oh-The-Places-You-Will-Go-Dr.Suess-ish-ness… I don’t even try to figure it out much anymore. The last 2 years of my life have defied or exceeded all of my former constructs. I am more convinced of the creative brilliance of the Creator of the Universe and less of the textbook, Sunday school “god” than ever before. I also get more angry and confused about it all. Sometimes it’s as absurd as growing and shrinking upon a bite of this and a sip of that down in that hurried little rabbit’s hole.

Some of you are nodding and the rest of you, if you are still reading, have glazed over eyes. I guess my mind has been full as of late. We’ve gone through a lot of changes and more are to come. For me, I’m trying to make decisions about what to focus on for awhile, even if that means sacrificing financial security. As I type, Chris is out applying at a new “green” home building retail store that just opened here in Fayetteville. The hours are perfect and his experience is so well matched, so yes, we are really crossing our fingers and saying our prayers. But he has lots of applications on lots of desks right now and who knows what the right thing will be at the right time. So we are playing a bit of the waiting game, while my own aptitude for pressing on as a work-at-home-mother with two young children in my care full time dwindles. My prayer right now is for a period of refreshing and refocusing to come, and soon!

Ok, I digress with a slideshow from Earth Day with my parents here in Fayetteville with us (sooo nice!):

Things were a little busy last week – we spent a lot of time with new friends, helped build a really cool barn style chicken coop (ours is going up next!), had a lovely day in the country (Ethan skinny dipped for the first time!), had my first Arkansas tick experience (ew!), then went immediately into prep for Chris’ big spanish style birthday shindig. We made 20 pounds of pulled pork, slow cooked for 2 days in a crock pot with lots and lots of garlic, limes and adobo. We had about 4 gallons of slow cooked black beans and rice, along with a big beautiful salad, fresh bread, lots of plaintains and even mofongo! The event was a great excuse to spend time with family and food!

Here’s some pictures of the event and other happenings this week (along with some fun pics of my dreads, now 3 months old )

So speaking of family, festivals, and food: This is the title of one of my very favorite books. I picked it up when Ethan was about 2 years old and began to gravitate right away to what I learned about Waldorf celebrations. Lately I’ve been reading more and more books and listening to training workshops, all in preparation for something I have yet to tell you guys about but when I do I’ll be so happy to share with you all!

So, today was a rough day. I am fighting a cold, Chris and I are both very tired, Ethan and Verity are both incredibly high needs and the noise level is constant! Not to mention that I have lots and lots of work to make up and I highly doubt I will finish it all. With sore throat and ears ringing, I felt impatient and unnerved today – two things I really don’t like about myself, I must admit. I remember seeing this video recently of a Waldorf home-based educator who said that when she notices the energy of the children getting really rowdy, she first checks her own breathing. That came to mind today, as I strove to check myself as a potential contributor to the wild pent-up rainy day boredom energy of the kids.

So instead of raising my voice for the umpteenth time (working on it!), I told Ethan to be still and silent as much as he could while Chris took Verity off on a drive to fall asleep. While this was happening I made a pot of “Quiet Child” tea from Mountain Rose Herbs and the “Best Oatmeal Cookies” from that well-loved go-to book: Family, Festivals, and Food!

What you can’t experience over this screen is just how tasty and warm these simple little things are. Things are feeling cozier and quieter already…

Well, if you’d like to try them, leave a comment about something you use to help ground yourself or the kids on an everything-is-going-wrong kinda day. Next week, I’ll pick a winner randomly and mail you my extra copy of this book! In it you will find seasonal activities, recipes, verses and songs, and stories for your family to celebrate the year.

It’s no secret that one of my biggest struggles is getting ahead of myself. I worry about the future, I worry and that spurs me to ACT NOW. One of the sayings I keep remember lately is the opposite of the common saying “Don’t just sit there, DO something.” Rather, for people like me, we need to learn to “Don’t just DO something – SIT THERE!”
There are so many variables and things I could be concerned about – that all of us could find to be concerned about. But it doesn’t add one day to our lives, does it? What a hard lesson to learn.
Lately I’ve felt extraordinarily tired and restless at the same time, but today I made a decision to take care of myself for a few hours and that has allowed me to emerge back into my life with a little more energy and perspective. I am so grateful for this and I feel almost elated as the day progresses with a new sense of present moment contentment.
Chris has almost finished our “Mystery Purple” porch railings and swing, along with a long window box on the other side of the front of the house (you guess it, “Mystery Purple” as well). The daffodils have emerged with their fierce yellow, declaring what the Sun has been trying to tell us for weeks: Seasons Change!
We hung a bird feeder yesterday just a few feet from our window bench and have enjoyed bird watching with our guide book open. So far nothing too crazy – a Chicadee, Robin, and bright red Cardinal are our most frequent guests. While driving in the country yesterday, however, Chris and I watched a Purple Martin fly across us and it was so magical. I had never seen that shiny purple bird before – almost like a flash of silk gliding through the air in front of us. Beautiful.
Tonight marks one week in our new home and things are going really well. The house smells like food. It’s warm. It’s home.
We spend a lot of time in the front yard, on blankets with cards and boardgames and buckets of sand and seashells. We’ll have two types of tree swings out there by the week’s end. These are the neat things that happen when you stay off the computer and TV during the day!
We’ve hung our clothes lines in the back and will start putting together the raised beds this weekend. We’ll be getting 4 chicks this weekend as well, and I can’t wait to get an Americauna or two so that our backyard eggs basket is sprinkled with those sweet easter blue eggs.
The church we’ve been attending is having an urban “grow your own food” meeting on Saturday, so I’m going to take that first step in reaching out and participating. I’ve also found some great resources lately – some free aged horse manure for my veg beds, raw milk on the “down low” for only $3 a gallon, a Weston A. Price local chapter, and frozen organic, pastured chickens from the monastery for just 3.75/lb. I hear I can get even lower than that if I buy 7 at a time, but I’ll need to wait on my freezer chest for that kind of commitment
Anyway… this day was a blessing to me. When I step back and go easier on myself, I realize just how well we are doing and how we have more than we need FOR TODAY. Delicious meals, wonderful music, inspiring books, colorful flowers, fun and games, birds, serenity, a gracious God and of course, family and friends. What more could I possibly need?
My cup is overflowing.

Though it is really quite chilly, the sun is out over the Ozarks today my spirit is a little lifted. After a lovely weekend spent with family, cousins running around with Ethan and mulling over plans with trailblazers much wiser than we, we decided to stick around Fayetteville and continue to dig in to what God has in store for us here.

Here’s my recap of the last 4 days and my initial impression of our new location:

First, the bad news. Cons:
1. Coffee shops. There are like… 3? I liked a mayan mocha I got at one place but the ambiance was a bit corporate looking (when compared to the thrift store furnished bungalow coffee shops or trendy mom cafe’s of Portland). Plus, I think I had more coffee shops within 2 miles from my last place as I do within the whole city of Fayetteville. The pastry/food offerings at one place was seriously lacking variety and the scones and breads were really too sweet. The other place, supposedly the trendy one on Dickson St., was actually fairly hoyty towty, with a full liquor bar and lunch menu – it was really more of a restuarant and not a family friendly one at that. Not to mention that our 3 coffee drinks and 3 desserts ran a bill of just under $40! Needless to say, I’m not returning there again! There is one more I need to try, or so I’ve heard. It’s more of a hole in the wall place with a drive through – which could mean is amazing, or terrible, lol. I haven’t come across a tea shop or a knitting store yet, though I’ve heard they exist.

2. Vintage stores. There are a few I still need to check out but they are in surrounding towns. The main one I’ve looked into in Fayetteville is decently priced and had a good assortment of vendors (I got a cute old metal trash can, a throw pillow and a book about edible gardening there for just a few dollars). Rather than one or two decent vintage stores in every neighborhood, there is like one in each city here – which makes it hard for a gal who adores “old” things to refurnish her new home Also, craigslist isn’t being used much here and people NEVER seem to delete postings once something is sold! Arg… Isn’t there a “Craigslist Best Practices” guide somewhere???

3. Food. Well, this isn’t a complete “Con”: I tried one restaurant and I really liked it – The Hog Haus Brewery. I had a good “Moldy Fungus” burger with mushrooms and blue cheese, as well as very tasty sweet potato fries. Decent prices too. They are one of the only (or only?) microbreweries in town and I found a few in the sampler that I really liked. Chris didn’t, though, since he is a Bitters fan and they don’t brew that variety. BUT aside from restaurants I am really shocked at how few natural grocery options there are. There is one, to be exact. And its actually good, I mean for a Co-op it has a good variety (though not so much on meats, from others I have seen) and I certainly would want to support a local co-op so we did join up right away. However, the prices. Oh my. A 5 lb bag of organic apples is over 5 dollars! So, as you can imagine, I’m putting in a VERY big order from Azure Standard next week so I can stock up on stuff for the month (or 6 months!) and reduce my need for expensive apples (they must have seeds made of gold or some hidden toy inside…)

4. Corporate chains. Wow… it’s been a long time since I’ve seen so many corporate chains on one 3 mile stretch of a road. I am grateful that this is balanced with a few “city center” streets that seem to be thriving, with many locally owned restaurants and shops (including a used bookstore or two). If I stick to those streets, I start to feel like I’m in my element again and get inspired by the LIFE that surrounds me.

And now for some good news – Pro’s:
1. Church. We did visit Vintage Fellowship on Sunday and by and large we felt welcomed and among friends. We will continue to check it out and get involved in a small group soon too.

2. Family. It sure is different to have extended family around! This is practically a first for us and so far so good!

3. Sights. We’ve barely begun to get around and view “The Natural State” (aka Arkansas) but some things even on our drive to and from town are really pretty. Being at my aunts, on the top of a hill on a wooded 30?40? acre lot offers us the opportunity to open up the windows on the second floor in the morning and let the sun in, look out over a peaceful setting of rolling hills. We’ve been up close and personal with a family of deers that live in these acres, as well as an armadillo that Chris tried his very hardest to catch. We plan to visit Devil’s Den state park and Wedington Lake state park in the coming weeks for caves, fishing, trail and creek walking…

4. A new rental home. We are pretty certain about a new rental home we found (landlord just needs to get utilities turned on to check that pipes didn’t freeze during a stow storm 2 weeks ago, then we sign). It is an old (100 or more?) craftsman home with original wood floors in 2 of the 3 bedrooms and the long living room/dining room. Many large, original windows with original trim line the living room – lots of light and character. The kitchen is roomy as well, albeit cheaper tile, old original cabinets, and small, outdated appliances (but hey – its just a rental). The main perks to the place is that it does offer a 3rd small bedroom, carpeted, which overlooks the backyard with a large window. It is a perfect office and craft room. The older, big living room is darling and even features an entire wall with built in cabinets and bookshelves on either side of a storage bench/seating area, all built around the street facing window. I can picture afternoons spent on cushions people watching, knitting and reading from that window nook. There is a small, (tiny) front porch too. In the back, there is a fenced backyard that is looooong and holds lots of potential, including a storage shed with shelves, lights and electricity that is ideal for my bulk food storage, as well as an old city ally way on the property that is built up with old mason stones and filled in with topsoil for a long raised garden bed. The landlord is also a perk: a self-proclaimed “old hippie” who gave us the thumbs up on 4 backyard hens, raised vegetable beds in the front and back yard, AND the a-okay if I decide to do a waldorf-inspired playschool from the home as side income. We also get to pick out new paint colors and get to work making the house “ours”. We currently have no pets in this home but something tells me it won’t take long before we do… we are going to give a lot of thought to this, however, since we have family members who suffer dander allergies. Anyway, we’ll know about all of that this week once the pipes are checked and we sign the lease. We’ll likely begin going over there with our stuff from the storage pod next week and begin painting and building the beds, compost, and chicken tractor. Also, the neighborhood looks really darling. It’s pretty much a historic neighborhood – lots of old characteristic homes and the mark of “young families” such as wagons on the front porch, etc. It’s only one mile from Wilson Park and walkable/bikable to Dickson St. The end of our road even has two expensive cutesy antique stores on it. Oh, did I mention that the monthly rent is exactly what we budgeted for? 650 a month! Yay! SO – our plan is to stay in this home until we have saved up more and established good credit again, so that in the coming year or two (or 3?), we will be in a better place to find a more permanent “home” plan.

5. The town. It certainly does have that “where everybody knows your name” Cheers feel. For example, a girl who was in my group at church (they broke us up into groups for a little prayer time) bumped into me the next day at the brewery for lunch. She was so sweet and gave me her card with her contact info. A new friend? Then, when checking out at the Co-op, I discovered that my cashier had just moved to Fayetteville from Portland in December! She told me that while she misses the THINGS in Portland, she likes LIVING here. She also gave me her contact info, as well as a lead on a volvo mechanic her parents swear by named Gary. Well, low and behold, today we purchased a 98 Volvo Wagon and looked up a volvo mechanic in Fayetteville – who pops up but Gary’s Volvo. Ha! THEN, I was asking our new/future landlord about vintage shops and she tells me about a place in Prairie Grove I should check out. I mention that I need to get out that way anyhow, as I had found a family farm on a website that is out that way who cited that they use Weston Price nutrition principles at their farm (i.e. “Nourishing Traditions”). My landlord says, “You aren’t talking about So and So, are you?” YES! The very one. She knew them because she lives in Lincoln and this family has a booth in the Lincoln Farmers Market. She gave me their father’s phone number and said we’d “love them”. It’s just too funny to be in a town small enough for these things to happen, that even towns 45 minutes away, every body seems to know every body. It’s pretty cool.

6. Potential mom friends. I joined a yahoo group for NWA Natural Parenting and already there is a fermentation class in the works, to be more or less demonstrated by Yours Truly. Folks already scramblin’ for my kefir grains and kombucha scobies, lol. In addition, one mom gave me a tip on some local natural whole frozen chickens purchased for a few bucks a pound through the local monastery. AND, one mom posted today asking for some one to split a gallon of raw coconut oil in her next order of Mountain Rose Herbs! What’s so neat about all of that is that knowing such like-minded folks are here is helping me feel more like I am in the right place. It isn’t prolific like it is in Portland, which does make you take it for granted less and work harder to find those “gems” of places and foods to support nearby. It’s valuable to be in new places, to learn new things, to be in a less homogeneous area and stretch your own notions and ideals and bla bla bla. I’m looking forward to the brown grass turning green and for color and life to return to these foothills, though. When I start seeing bulbed flowers, hummingbirds and honeybees, (the world around me all prettied up for Spring), I’m sure things will only get better.

In conclusion: in all of FOUR days we have been here, we have already felt welcomed and a part of this community. We are putting down roots to hold us here awhile, but look forward to visiting friends and family across states in the year to come.

In the meantime, I just might have to open my own coffee shop and bakery to feed my habit

We’re here!

Lots of thoughts but nothing ready to articulate just yet. SO here are some pictures of us celebrating Valentine’s weekend with watercolored hearts and beautiful flowers amidst the packing and packing and packing. We loaded up everything in the living room to make sure it would fit in the storage cube (a nifty way to move cross country BTW, esp if you only do terminal to terminal as opposed to the more expensive option of door to door). We loaded up on Fat Tuesday and cleaned on Ash Wednesday. Our final evening was spent saying our goodbyes and a tasty throw-back homemade pizza night with our roommates and others who stopped by to say adios. It was lovely… and emotional! Later we spent a few hours trying to evenly distribute our FIVE HUGE suitcases full of stuff so they were all under the 50 pound mark. That’s a whole lotta luggage! We hit the hay (or the blow up mattress, to be precise) at just passed 2:30am and woke up to get ready to leave 4 hours later. A super sad goodbye was said to our amazing roomies and we boarded the taxi to the airport. What followed was the longest 13 hours of traveling EVER and we got to Fayetteville (or just outside of it) late yesterday evening. Baths and SLEEP came easily

Today we got groceries (found kombucha and our beloved cookie dough – score!) and spent time with my aunt. Back at the country house (where my other aunt lives), we set out to explore a bit. We spotted 3 deers, 1 hawk, and an armadillo. Chris and Ethan bounded after the hopping armadillo and cornered it under some rumble. Being just a foot away from it was fun and Ethan was super charged with energy after that! But not enough to make it back up the hill to the house again

More later… enjoy the pics in the meantime! The slideshow begins with Ethan playing with walnut boats last week in Portland and ends with Chris drinking Fayetteville roasted coffee. (The video below is Verity – she got the moving furniture thing down pat!)

Had I known how 2010 would start out, I might have spent a little more time enjoying the “boring” aspects of our holidays.

Wow. Yeah. So…

I’ve been keeping some secrets from my blog readers at large, and for now, I still have to keep them! But I can share a little, and must, or I will begin to outgrow this humble little blog and be too far into another world to catch you guys up!

The last 3 weeks have been cra-HAZ-ee. A mixture of some of the most unexpected events to ever come our way, which truly spanned the spectrum of miracles and tragedies. We continue to “process” them all and hold so many in our hearts as we tredge on with life.

This week we finally zero’d in on some decisions about what our future holds and we felt strongly that us Ortecho’s had better get a move on. We have the opportunity to relocate right now; a window of time where Chris can look for work while we find more affordable housing elsewhere in the country that would also be more centrally located to loved ones (though we now have so many loved ones in Portland… *tear*).

A combination of events, circumstances, answered and unanswered prayers lead us to our first (and maybe only) stop along this next part of our journey: Fayetteville, AR.

When we first disclosed the news that we were moving to Arkansas, we got a lot of the same question we did when we picked Portland: “What’s in [insert location of your choice]???” with vague disdain and certain confusion

I think most of the people who know and love us well have come to see us as some brand of pioneers or globe trekkers at this latest surprising locale. Ah, but be that as it may, our hearts actually yearn to find “home” and settle down, and we wouldn’t be taking this step without some Hope that Fayetteville will fit the bill.

Our one-way tickets are booked for February 18th, (so soon!), and we began sorting through our clothing today (ah, the unhappy process of MOVING). I truly feel we are clinging to more than just our ideologies, more so to our FAITH in our loving Guidance and our new found sense of purpose and vision for our family unit. We trust that the light we have received for this next step is just enough to see us through. Sometimes the path we are on as a family creates in my mind’s eye an image of a trail in the darkness, complete with eery noises in the fog of a moonless night. But this latest stretch? It feels a little more like the dawning of a new day. It is the first crack of sunlight, chilly and quiet, when you spot the wildlife that comes out to graze and suck up the dew on long, unkept blades of grass.

Alright, alright, I’m at it again – getting way to allegorical

Deep breathes, simple prayers, belly laughs and cries of surrender seem to capture the mood of this stage. As we each adjust to another transition, we try to keep our sanity and sense of inner stillness.

And after all, what are we as humans if not explorers? Willing to go deeper, farther – within, without? Our family conversations these last few weeks are focused on the adventure that awaits us. Chris and I are excited to find new coffee shops, libraries, thai food, counselors, and of course, community. We are also wondering what God has up His sleeve with the close proximity this location puts us to my maternal family (who I was not raised around)! As for Ethan, he is excited to try out the caves and slip in bat poop (one of my memories when I visited Devil’s Den at age 7!) but when I told him about hiking around things called ticks and chiggers he declared: “I will NEVER go walking in the forest. EVER.”

So I may be more or less “around” these next few weeks as we attempt to get our “stuff” into a rubix cube of material things that can squeeze into a single storage pod for shipping. My heart is bursting with news and surprises and insights that are happening to me every day – but for now, I’ll hold them in and wait until the right time.

Until next time…

Oh and P.S.: I’m sporting dreads these days. No, really. Pictures coming as soon as I don’t look like a gnarly rufkin raised by wolves

This song has been in my mind all day. My heart is burdened, but I know He is holding those I love who are mourning very, VERY close.

I hope this brings them comfort:

When I give a whistle, here me shout!

Phew, does any one else feel like the compression in their brain is reaching the “red” territory and sirens are going off with weird “Lost” voice WARNING alarms??? Or — is that just me?

For now, I don’t know how to catch up this blog and it’s readers because I am still not at liberty to reveal the details of the journey I am on. In fact, I won’t be “in the clear” to do so for several months! Kinda agonizing for me to not get this out there for processing, actually — but I’m trying to see it as a lessons in keeping some things private

Suffice it to say, we have lots of decisions to make. I am having to learn all kinds of stuff right now, like a crash course in the grown-up-world (which I have in many ways been too stuck on “survive” to take part in for many years!) Arg, again, I would like to say more about that but trust me, the time will come.

I can feel myself being propelled forward by necessity and desire, yet at the same time that Still Small Voice and many wise friends/family remind me to take this slooooowwwwwwww. I can’t even describe what mixture of feelings and thoughts run through me in the course of a single day lately. I am burdened for they heavy, heart-breaking circumstances happening in the lives of people I love right now. I am struggling to stay present in my own life, (work, homeschooling, marriage, cooking, laundry) while at the same time doing the very real and necessary steps of future planning. As a plan unfolds before me, I feel at first relieved that it is there and then quickly that relief is replaced by the uncertainty of still more unanswered details. (You can relate, heh, Maw Maw?!)

Staying present is SUCH a practice in surrender — and I for one SUCK. AT. IT. Choice is at once liberating and a weighty responsibility — which must make me sound like such a preteen, lol, but it’s true.

Will my family flow gracefully into this next chapter? What hiccups will interrupt our song? What fallen trees will litter our road? Can we “let go and let God”? Can we trust that He is holding on to our loved ones during a time when we are helpless to be of any practical service to them?

Oh, I am just not cut out for life on earth!

And now I am going to spout off words to let off mental steam (tip me over and pour me OUT!):

settling, creditors, SEP, liability, CD, HSA, taxes, jobs, unemployment extension, wagon, reliability, mileage, towing, u-haul, Upstate, budget, giving, saving, credit score, lease, waiting, goals, waldorfing, masters degree, FAFSA, 2 hour yoga class from which EVERYTHING HURTS, fermented, bulk buying clubs, homeschool group let downs, postpartum, mental health, new mexico, job loss, unusable ankle, recovery, counseling, identity, homesteading, solar powered, first time homebuyers programs, dreads, new city, new friends, new neighbors, new church, new farms, new home, new yard, new chickens, new beds, new life — old habits?, JESUS!, decisions, liver and egg yolks.

Brace yourself for a long post written by a lunatic who can’t sleep at 4:30 am.

I’ve been thinking this week about a particular conversation I had with some new sweet friends. They observed how odd it is to them that since moving to the Portland area they actually watch MORE TV, eat MORE fast food, and do more things out of convenience than they ever did in less progressive residences held previously. We talked about how in Portland, getting grass fed beef or raw milk from a local farmer isn’t such a novelty – in some circles its mainstream culture! Homeschooling, having all natural toys, example after example of how living in such a way is not special here, which challenges you, as a transplanted Portlander, to figure out what the real constructs of your value system is; do you do what you do because its trendy, because it sets you apart, etc — OR — do you do what you do because you value the earth and its inhabitants, you value nutrition and health, you value freedom and richness of educational options, so on?

In this conversation, some one remarked about how “living simply” is actually very complicated. You have to adjust to a whole new way of doing things. For us, living simply by having no car means we never have to worry when the Check Engine light is on. We never have to worry when we hear a funny sound. We don’t shell out $200 or more in gas and insurance each month. HOWEVER, living with no car is far from simple. Even in Portland.

To live without a car, for example, I must leave my house a full hour ahead of time to get to Ethan’s ice skating lessons. What would otherwise be a 10 minute drive, tops, becomes an Olympic endeavor to strap the baby on my back, brace the cold, often RUN out the door dragging Ethan along beside me to catch the MAX (only to, more often than not, barely miss it while waiting for the light to cross the street – thus being 15 minutes late despite my best efforts to leave an HOUR ahead of time.) Same thing goes for home school meetups, church on Sunday morning and other church functions through out the week. Outings, errands, and just plain ol’ shootin-the-breeze ventures will almost invariably FLOP without careful planning and purpose. Something like going all the way to Trader Joe’s for a more affordable load of groceries, but forgetting to get flea medicine for the cat at the pet store next door to Trader Joe’s is a tremendous oversight! You get all the way home and realize what you forgot to do and you might as well kiss your time goodbye because nothing is worth the 2 hour round trip again!

Or get this- going to the post office or finding a place to fax something. Oh my gosh. I can’t tell you how inconvenient it is along our common routes to do these things. A month ago I was set to fax a simple letter to my student loans lender in order to get my deferment processed, and you’d think in this day and age I could manage to get that accomplished in a MONTH but no, I haven’t. With two little kids, no vehicle, a job, homeschooling, and the bazillion things on my mind, finding a location to fax something has just not managed to stay in the forefront of my planning.

This is one reason that we are talking about owning a vehicle again, after 2+ years without. Also, the need we have for community while being so far from family is a pretty steep and crucial one — and the not having a car thing has been making it really difficult to participate in community. Hopping on the bike’s used to be a more viable option from our slightly closer-in locale, but a few miles out and an extra child and things get slightly more complicated – just enough to put that straw on the camels back. I feel like we’ve missed out on so much and have so few opportunities to get to know people in a church we’ve been going to for 2 years now. I can hardly ever make it to my favorite yoga studio, either, and I get free classes so – sheesh, what a bummer, right? I just can’t afford to lose the 2 hour bus ride round trip (when you have to take into account wait times) to a place that is less than 10 minutes away by car. But I digress…

There are other things, like eating organic and sustainable foods from local sources, that takes a large amount of intentionality despite that the efforts are in part fueled by the desire to live more simply. This week I took an hour or two comparing my organic produce buying options: this involved literally looking up the items on the produce bin that is delivered every 2 weeks to a cumbersome spreadsheet published by a distributor of large quantity/bulk produce from organic and NW growers, figuring out the unit price for each apple or pound of carrots, so I can effectively cost compare the options and make the right choice. When I order from Azure Standard or other food buying clubs, it takes time to figure out the savings involved in getting a 50 pound bag of rice verses a 5 pound bag of rice, deciding what we really need now and what we can wait on, yada yada yada. Like I said – these things can be complicated!

But what is interesting is that, of course, you do grow to see the extra hour it takes to get some where or the time spent planning bulk food buying as part of every day life. Some one from church a few weeks ago made the following comment to us: “I think about you guys sometimes and I always figure that for every 5 things I am doing each day, you guys can probably only get to like 2… which really makes me think about those extra 3 things my family does and whether or not we really need to do them!”

It’s true! We get a lot less done. lol No but really – sometimes getting to a place in life where things are simple and less dramatic takes concerted effort and — sometimes — blood, sweat and tears.

This aspect of my life lately has weighed on me as we discuss making some major changes. Not quite content with the way thing are going for us in Portland, this week we all but officially announced (that’s how sure we were) that we were moving to North Carolina as early as this Spring.

Yep, back up and read that again. We were practically CERTAIN we were leaving Portland. (And Chris is still sleeping – so he is still CERTAIN. But when he wakes up I’ll fill him in on the change of plans. )

Eventually relocating is still a possibility – actually it is pretty much inevitable. The combination of slightly pricier housing, lack of job market, and distance from family makes Portland a place that works for NOW, but not for EVER. Too bad too, because we love the city – its been a boot camp, a training ground, for so many lifestyle changes we wanted to make. It’s also been where we began recovery, started healing our marriage, had a baby, plugged into a home school group, so on and so forth. And if this week of research and planning has taught me anything, its that there ARE cities in the East that could suit us nicely. Carrboro, NC, for one.

However, our personal situation is, in some ways, quite unprepared to relocate. We have had something major to “do” for so long that staying put and dealing with everything that is catching up to us has been the very LAST thing we want to do. If we weren’t moving we were graduating or having a baby or something every year, something to press on, something to drive us forward to the next big crazy thing – sadly sometimes used as a nice distraction from the here and now.

The present is not something easy to sit in. Yoga reminds me of that. We set out with certain values and intentions and when the cast of characters and scenes becomes boring, tense, uncomfortable, frightening or disappointing, it is oh-so-tempting to place something before ourselves to reach for, to hope for, to work towards, to change things all up a bit.

(Briefly, this is also a theme of my homeschooling life right now. Reading about Steiner’s philosophies on the role of “inner work” – very good stuff and I’ll write more about that soon!)

My son is feeling the reprocussions of this not-so-pretty habit of mine. He asked me today to please stop changing things in his room and listed the various ways I have moved his furniture since we moved here nearly 10 months ago, lol. It’s true. The 10 x 10 room hardly gives me space enough to home school in and my discontent with supplying my child with a cramped basement room gives me cause to creatively unleash myself on its layout every few weeks. Poor kid!

As I continued to mull over this cross-country move, I finally just prayed for some direction. I laid in bed tonight and felt like the whole decision was confusing, not peaceful – not even very exciting. While coughing up a lung and unable to sleep, my restless mind churned the facets of our situation over and over until suddenly things began to get clear.

My roommate commented last night that for them, it is apparent that the two families are outgrowing the space. As much as I want to put a positive spin on everything regarding our community house (which I SO do that, constantly), I’d have to agree on some level. We set out to live amongst another family – to be in an intentional community. It pains me to realize how far we have strayed from those original goals – how we have kept to our corners, for no particular reason or starting point, exactly. I think the minute you replace “community” with “roommate” and see the home as simply a place to keep your privacy and split bills, it so easily becomes a situation where space feels limited and more and more of the home becomes “yours” or “theirs” instead of “ours”. Oh how I wanted this to be a place where my home schooling could thrive, where we broke bread together, where we all had a stocking on the fireplace and felt equally a part of something really special! I think for us, we really wanted something intimate and surrogate – something that had a lot of sharing of lives within the home, not just sharing the home. Maybe we can get back on track, if that is what both families want and need to do. Community living will always be something I want to embrace, regardless of the ideal space, ideal lifestyle similarities, etc etc. I guess if we all waited around for ideal, community would never really happen, would it?

This is yet one more great example of how this simple living thing is also very complicated and intentional! Community doesn’t just happen- it requires careful planning, lots of thought and prayer and talking and on and on. Real relationships must be nourished or else you turn around and the whole purpose has been lost. I know a few people going through divorces right now and I think the same thing. It takes a lot of work and time to cultivate the fertile soil on which a garden can flourish, (to make an analogy to gardening… hey, cut me some slack, I’ve been up since 4am!)

So here we are: where we never thought we would be. With the loss of Chris’ job we are forced to start filing bankruptcy while making plans for him to start school for his Masters. When I look at some of the facts of our situation, I feel pretty disheartened. Mainly because we tried to be diligent for so long – we always worked hard, we always paid our bills, somehow or another. It’s hard not to feel ashamed of how dismal things have become financially, but at the same time we are doing much better and more thoughtful and frugal things with our money than we ever have before. And while I don’t necessarily love this phase of our lives, one I might call “Recalibrating”, I do like the people we are, or at least who we are becoming. I like that our family loves each other, that we discourse about things that bother us rather than push them under the rug, that we band together when the going gets tough. Another wise friend told me a few weeks ago that these are the years we will likely be looking back on with much endearment in the future. How hard we struggled will be seen through rose colored glasses in light of the sweetness of all those good times we had while living on lentils

So here I am, over 2,000 words and 2 hours later (6am). The baby is up and growling. Chris is hitting the snooze on his alarm because he wants to get 5 more minutes of sleep. I suppose this is where the “in conclusion” part comes in… for those of you still reading!

In conclusion: I think we need to stay put. I think we need to deal with the bankruptcy, deal with the co-housing, deal with the vehicle, deal with the loneliness of not having as much of a community base. There are so many things to deal with – no more distractions. No more putting one foot in the next phase before we’ve completed the one we’re in.

The simple life we crave, one rich in quality time with each other and as few bills as possible, is – I am learning – not something we will come by in one new move, in one new house, in one new book, in one new baby, one new arrangement of a tiny bedroom, etc. We have to study produce spreadsheets, miss lots of buses, try out lots of living situations, deal with our debt, be content with smaller quarters, and face our giants squarely.

Deep breath. Now “publish”.