“Where is the book in which the teacher can read about what teaching is? The children themselves are this book. We should not learn to teach out of any book other than the one lying open before us and consisting of the children themselves. In order to read in this book, however, we need the widest possible interest in each individual child, and nothing must divert us from this.”
- Rudolf Stiener, Human Values in Education

“Every parent’s question: ‘What are the firm boundaries this situation calls for, and how will my child find freedom within these boundaries?’ …
“It is through our inner attitude that we show our love. It’s not what we do, it’s who we are in the doing of the things, that speaks to our child.”
- Sharifa Oppenheimer, Heaven on Earth; A Handbook for Parents of Young Children

Chewing on this.

Today was rough. It was pack up and haul it out day. We loaded up a storage cube here in Portland with everything we still own (minus some things that didn’t fit that was a bummer for me.) I admit I had a tearful runaway bride moment: “CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF!”

See, I do so love Portland. The people, the vibe, the houses, the MAX… but its time to take that next step and I know it, deep down. It’s that inner knowledge that propels me onward in trust despite my lack of of a calculated plan.

My day got a whole lot better when the following conversation transpired with my emotionally intelligent 4 year old:

Ethan: “How many days til we move again?”

Me: “The day after tomorrow. How are you feeling?”

Ethan: “Sad…”

Me: “I thought you said you were excited?”

Ethan: “Okay, it’s like this: you have to be in the mood for it. Like when you don’t think you are in the mood for a grilled cheese sandwich but once you start eating it, you get used to it and you like it. That’s like moving. You get used to it and you like it.”

BRILLIANT. Thank you, Ethan, for once again imparting your wisdom on your silly mama.

Here are pics of us enjoying some Oregon favs in the last 2 weeks… it’s a long slideshow so bare with me

Enjoys long walks in the woods… gardens… long wood tables… a fireplace…

I’ve read almost THREE (well, really 4 but one is mostly pictures ) books in the last week or so, (I guess that’s what happens when my knitting is packed away? lol) and they’ve been so wonderful for my soul.

From Heaven on Earth; A Handbook for Parents of Young Children, I continue my journey through homeschooling and parenting my favorite little people in the whole world. Sometimes this book creates in me a feeling of, I don’t know, maybe discouragement. The daily life and home structure described seem so simple and yet so unattainable in a world of media, playdates, financial responsibilities, suburbs, etc. But it also gives me something to aspire to, and in the very least, ideas I can put into practice or tuck in my pocket. You never know when they’ll come in handy.

From Little House on a Small Planet, I have again gained inspiration and ideas. My thoughts have certainly been provoked by the idea of never borrowing on a loan you can’t pay back in 7 years (like a mortgage) or living with less square footage than you might *think* you need. Good stuff!

From Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, Thich Nhat Hanh has reminded me about vulnerability, being a peace-maker, restoring relationships. All very appropriate right now as I work out some relational tensions that weigh heavy on my heart. He also reiterates the need for practicing mindfulness, a long post I’d best save for another day.

And lastly, and perhaps my most fun read right now, is A Natural Sense of Wonder. I didn’t think I would love reading this book as much as I do, but its memoir-like account of a father who tries to reconnect his children with the natural world through the seasons is really well-written (he is an english teacher, after all) and charming.

I particularly liked reading about his “affairs” of home searching in his twenties, a tale he accounts as a metaphor for dating relationships. He moved a lot when the kids were young and he and his wife were working and finishing school – all over the country and taking jobs in all kinds of industries it seems. He writes of their desire for some romantic, old-world charm farm with natural land and an abundance of outdoor “wild” play space for his children. I can’t help but find this story incredibly timely for me, as I’ve been dreaming about eventually finding The Place and happily making it Home.

Here the writer retells their house hunt:

My wife and I imagine our kids growing up in some high valley, their spirits fostered by the creases of ragged mountains, their bodies strengthened by exploring spines of nearby ridges, and their thirst slaked by some cascading stream. This reverie calls us away to some land on Sinking Creek with a barn and twenty acres of organic hay, but it’s too pricey for us. Here’s one in the Catawba Valley, on a feeder stream, but it looks a little small, and is that a … confederate flag at the neighbor’s house? We are a little like Goldilocks: this one is too big, this one is too small, still looking for the place that is just right.
Perhaps my desire is stirred by the very writers I’m drawn to: Muir in the Sierras, Abbey in the Arches, Lopez in the Arctic, and Thoreau in the Walden Woods. They’ve each carved out their niche in a place I am seeking mine, but they are a monastic bunch (except for Abbey), eloquent on the need for wild places but silent on the subject of raising children. Besides, we can’t all move there and enjoy it too.

As we are now 1.5 weeks from M-Day, we are doing the usual: cleaning out rooms, packing up, craigslisting furniture, trying to see enough people to say goodbye. We are also doing a “Greatest Hits” of the Portland area and soaking in the Pac NW while we can. We aren’t too overwhelmed with the packing process: We’ve moved *just* twice in the last 6 years, but since one of them was a cross-country move, and the second was just a year ago, it has helped us travel light (well, that and being broke ). Our bought-used items fill up two small bedrooms and a small living room, with very little need for extra storage. IF we had a 3 bedroom plus garage, we’d likely NEED a 3 bedroom plus garage, lol, but we’ve been blessed with “just enough bread for today” – in times like these, we’re grateful we have less sh** to ship.

More soon…

Had I known how 2010 would start out, I might have spent a little more time enjoying the “boring” aspects of our holidays.

Wow. Yeah. So…

I’ve been keeping some secrets from my blog readers at large, and for now, I still have to keep them! But I can share a little, and must, or I will begin to outgrow this humble little blog and be too far into another world to catch you guys up!

The last 3 weeks have been cra-HAZ-ee. A mixture of some of the most unexpected events to ever come our way, which truly spanned the spectrum of miracles and tragedies. We continue to “process” them all and hold so many in our hearts as we tredge on with life.

This week we finally zero’d in on some decisions about what our future holds and we felt strongly that us Ortecho’s had better get a move on. We have the opportunity to relocate right now; a window of time where Chris can look for work while we find more affordable housing elsewhere in the country that would also be more centrally located to loved ones (though we now have so many loved ones in Portland… *tear*).

A combination of events, circumstances, answered and unanswered prayers lead us to our first (and maybe only) stop along this next part of our journey: Fayetteville, AR.

When we first disclosed the news that we were moving to Arkansas, we got a lot of the same question we did when we picked Portland: “What’s in [insert location of your choice]???” with vague disdain and certain confusion

I think most of the people who know and love us well have come to see us as some brand of pioneers or globe trekkers at this latest surprising locale. Ah, but be that as it may, our hearts actually yearn to find “home” and settle down, and we wouldn’t be taking this step without some Hope that Fayetteville will fit the bill.

Our one-way tickets are booked for February 18th, (so soon!), and we began sorting through our clothing today (ah, the unhappy process of MOVING). I truly feel we are clinging to more than just our ideologies, more so to our FAITH in our loving Guidance and our new found sense of purpose and vision for our family unit. We trust that the light we have received for this next step is just enough to see us through. Sometimes the path we are on as a family creates in my mind’s eye an image of a trail in the darkness, complete with eery noises in the fog of a moonless night. But this latest stretch? It feels a little more like the dawning of a new day. It is the first crack of sunlight, chilly and quiet, when you spot the wildlife that comes out to graze and suck up the dew on long, unkept blades of grass.

Alright, alright, I’m at it again – getting way to allegorical

Deep breathes, simple prayers, belly laughs and cries of surrender seem to capture the mood of this stage. As we each adjust to another transition, we try to keep our sanity and sense of inner stillness.

And after all, what are we as humans if not explorers? Willing to go deeper, farther – within, without? Our family conversations these last few weeks are focused on the adventure that awaits us. Chris and I are excited to find new coffee shops, libraries, thai food, counselors, and of course, community. We are also wondering what God has up His sleeve with the close proximity this location puts us to my maternal family (who I was not raised around)! As for Ethan, he is excited to try out the caves and slip in bat poop (one of my memories when I visited Devil’s Den at age 7!) but when I told him about hiking around things called ticks and chiggers he declared: “I will NEVER go walking in the forest. EVER.”

So I may be more or less “around” these next few weeks as we attempt to get our “stuff” into a rubix cube of material things that can squeeze into a single storage pod for shipping. My heart is bursting with news and surprises and insights that are happening to me every day – but for now, I’ll hold them in and wait until the right time.

Until next time…

Oh and P.S.: I’m sporting dreads these days. No, really. Pictures coming as soon as I don’t look like a gnarly rufkin raised by wolves

When I give a whistle, here me shout!

Phew, does any one else feel like the compression in their brain is reaching the “red” territory and sirens are going off with weird “Lost” voice WARNING alarms??? Or — is that just me?

For now, I don’t know how to catch up this blog and it’s readers because I am still not at liberty to reveal the details of the journey I am on. In fact, I won’t be “in the clear” to do so for several months! Kinda agonizing for me to not get this out there for processing, actually — but I’m trying to see it as a lessons in keeping some things private

Suffice it to say, we have lots of decisions to make. I am having to learn all kinds of stuff right now, like a crash course in the grown-up-world (which I have in many ways been too stuck on “survive” to take part in for many years!) Arg, again, I would like to say more about that but trust me, the time will come.

I can feel myself being propelled forward by necessity and desire, yet at the same time that Still Small Voice and many wise friends/family remind me to take this slooooowwwwwwww. I can’t even describe what mixture of feelings and thoughts run through me in the course of a single day lately. I am burdened for they heavy, heart-breaking circumstances happening in the lives of people I love right now. I am struggling to stay present in my own life, (work, homeschooling, marriage, cooking, laundry) while at the same time doing the very real and necessary steps of future planning. As a plan unfolds before me, I feel at first relieved that it is there and then quickly that relief is replaced by the uncertainty of still more unanswered details. (You can relate, heh, Maw Maw?!)

Staying present is SUCH a practice in surrender — and I for one SUCK. AT. IT. Choice is at once liberating and a weighty responsibility — which must make me sound like such a preteen, lol, but it’s true.

Will my family flow gracefully into this next chapter? What hiccups will interrupt our song? What fallen trees will litter our road? Can we “let go and let God”? Can we trust that He is holding on to our loved ones during a time when we are helpless to be of any practical service to them?

Oh, I am just not cut out for life on earth!

And now I am going to spout off words to let off mental steam (tip me over and pour me OUT!):

settling, creditors, SEP, liability, CD, HSA, taxes, jobs, unemployment extension, wagon, reliability, mileage, towing, u-haul, Upstate, budget, giving, saving, credit score, lease, waiting, goals, waldorfing, masters degree, FAFSA, 2 hour yoga class from which EVERYTHING HURTS, fermented, bulk buying clubs, homeschool group let downs, postpartum, mental health, new mexico, job loss, unusable ankle, recovery, counseling, identity, homesteading, solar powered, first time homebuyers programs, dreads, new city, new friends, new neighbors, new church, new farms, new home, new yard, new chickens, new beds, new life — old habits?, JESUS!, decisions, liver and egg yolks.

Our Puerto Rican style Christmas Eve was a great idea this year. We began baking the 21 pound turkey we didn’t get around to at Thanksgiving, along with a 5 pound pork, on Tuesday night. I can’t tell you how many garlic cloves I used that night. At least 30. Anyway, once all the good saucey Adobo mess was slathered on, the meats began slow cooking overnight while I finished some handmade gifts. Christmas Eve morning we saw a smattering of snow on the ground and again began cooking, this time to the groove of a salsa Christmas CD. The pernil asado was to die for – nice and salty and garlicy and limey, mmmm… And the turkey came out great too – falling off the bone to reveal the slivers of garlic shoved into the meat, the stuffing of ripe plaintains/rum/dates/cinnamon, and studded with olives. I also made arroz con gandules but had to come up with an old school method for achiote ( sauteing the annato seeds in oil) for yellow seasoning, so that came out kinda bland and not very yellow. I also couldn’t get the thawed (because they weren’t supposed to be!) alcapurias to stay together, lol, however the pasteles Chris’ aunt made were boiled to perfection. I also fried tostones (green plantains, fried, flattened with a plate, fried again and dashed in salt) and maduros (very ripe plantains sliced thick and fried for juicy sweetness). Chris made homemade Coquito which was, well, I had way too much anyway!

We had a great time relaxing with friends over our Christmas Eve meal (Christmas Eve meal is the big one for Ricans, traditionally – that’s what Chris said anyway!) We also have TONS of leftovers that we keep picking at.

After Christmas Eve early dinner we headed to Evergreen Christmas Eve service. Ethan sat intently the whole time, very interested in this gathering. He also was a total STAR (I’m his mama, I can brag) of the “I Saw Three Ships” children’s “choir” – oh he was a riot and had all the moves down pat. Later we drove (yes, our own little christmas miracle- a couple went out of town for 10 days and left us use of their vehicle! thankyoujeebus!) through Peacock Lane to look at lights.

Back home we read some books and left out Santa’s snack, while Ethan hurried to bed. I had the notion that I’d stay up again to 1am like I have been for weeks to get the last minute gifts done- I need to knit something for the waldorf doll I made him and stuff and sew up the knitted gnomes. That didn’t happen. lol I gave up and knew he would be just as happy to watch me knit “Coby” a sweater this week — (that’s what he has named the doll – who he’s carried with him all day and slept with and made best friends with his favorite stuffed animal, the dragon “Scorch” – I can’t tell you how sweet it is when they love the toys you actually MADE with your own bare hands. It’s so special!)

This morning felt very lackluster for me. For one thing, my cold took a turn for the worst (sugar and lack of sleep will do that to ya!), so we didn’t make it to the christmas morning brunch we had planned with some friends. However, Ethan was very excited to open his gifts from us: a ton of new wooden “people” and accessories, a waldorf doll with a hammock, pillow and sheet, thai yoga/lounge pants, an old fashioned locally made wooden Top in his stocking with a large all natural candy cane, a few colors of wool roving and a needle felting kit, a kids’ first knitting needles set, and some new chapter books; Charlotte’s Web, Mary Poppins, and Little House in the Big Woods. From grandma he got a cd player with a cd story book of Little Bear, and from an aunt/uncle he got a Go Fishing game. Verity made out with her new blocks we made her and a wooden rattle and BabyLegs from grandma.

While we were trying to find room on the camcorder to record this morning’s happenings, we came across Ethan’s first Christmas – piles and piles of wrapped presents and battery operated whats its. He was 5 months old! It was crazy to see that in comparison with how simple and even elegant Christmas has become for us: good food, good people, a few special gifts under the tree. Very sweet times.

Despite that this morning I was tired and cranky and felt no spark of magical Christmastime that I always have on previous Christmas mornings, I’m still delighted to see the kids enjoy this day. We had our traditional cajun beignets and mimosas (just OJ for the little guy – another novelty), and all three of us took a nap through the afternoon! Right now Ethan and dad are curled up on the couch watching Polar Express and he is sucking away at his candy cane. We are stuffed from leftover turkey and pasteles and eager to get back into bed on this chilly night.

Well, my matcha tea is calling, along with MY Christmas present – the book “Heaven on Earth” which I can’t wait to dig into! So I will bid you adeiu.

Merry Christmas, my friends. Let the Epiphany festivity preparations begin!

“I heard a bird sing
In the dark of December
A magical thing
And sweet to remember.

‘We are nearer to Spring
Than we were in September,’
I heard a bird sing
In the dark of December.”
- Oliver Herford, I Heard a Bird Sing

Ethan and Caleb gaze at the flames from their handmade beeswax candles

Verity’s Christmas present: blocks cut and sanded by dada, polished with beeswax and emollients by Ethan and mama

Ethan snapped this picture of me knitting Chris a hat in church on Sunday

Despite that I managed to blow up a blender today and send homemade carrot babyfood and glass flying all over the kitchen, (while my 4 year old bolted towards the living room screaming like a lobster in a pot of boiling water… ohhhh, the chaos that is my life at times…):

I am listening now to Sting’s introspective Christmas album (thank you, Maw Maw) and sipping my holiday tonic tea blend and, what can I say? All is well.

Peace, grace, tranquility and surrender: find them. Keep them close.

If we bring an awareness of Advent to the home it still brings light and warmth to winter days. A wreathe, or simply the attractive arrangement of four candles on the table with red ribbon, a bit of evergreen, or pine cones, is a symbolic centre piece… Advent is a time of preparation. Children can busy themselves making cards and gifts… – from Festivals, Family and Food, by Diana Carey and Judy Large

Christianity stands as the external mystical fact for the birth of the light. Christ brought to the earth what had existed from the beginning, although it was hidden from mankind throughout the ages we have been speaking of. Now, however, a new climax was reached. Even as the light is born anew at the winter solstice, so in the fourth post-Atlantean period the Savior of Mankind, the Christ, was born. He is the new Sun Hero who was not only initiated in the depths of the Mystery temples, but who also appeared before all the world so that it could be said, “Blessed are they that have not seen and yet have believed” (John 20:29). When it was recognized that the Divine could descend into a personality, the festival celebrating the birth of the Sun Hero, the Christ, came to replace the festival celebrating the birth of the light.
…
All the great teachers of wisdom — the Egyptian Hermes, the ancient Indian Rishis, Confucius, the Persian Zarathustra — have spoken the Divine Word. In Jesus the Christ, however, the Divine Word Itself walked on earth in a living shape for the first time. Before this time there was on earth only the Path and the Truth. Now we have the Path, the Truth and the Life. The great difference between earlier religions and Christianity consists in the fact that Christianity is the fulfillment of the previous religions, that in Christ we are not concerned with a great teacher of wisdom — teachers of wisdom were present in all other religions — but with a human personality who at the same time must be revered as a Divine Personality. Herein is to be found the importance of the disciples’ message, “We have laid our hand into His wounds, we have heard His message.” The emphasis is placed on the appearance, on the direct impression. It does not merely listen to the word but considers the personality. The conviction prevailed that Christ was, in a unique fashion, the Cosmic Sun Hero.

If we comprehend this, we also understand that the ancient festival of the winter solstice signified something different from the present Christmas festival. In Egypt we find Horus, Isis and Osiris, the archetypal image of what also lives in Christianity. In ancient India we have the birth of Krishna by the holy virgin. We find echoes of this myth everywhere, but what is important in Christianity is what I have just expressed. … The most important event for the men of this age is the fact that the Christmas festival, which always represented the birth of an initiate, now represents the birth of the greatest Sun Hero, of Christ Himself. Thus these two facts of necessity sound together in the world’s course.”
- Rudolf Steiner, 1904, Signs and Symbols of the Christmas Festival: Part 1: The Birth of Light

Ethan creating advent candles from sheets of beeswax for the dinner table Advent celebrations this month

The official Advent dates for 2009 are:

* First Sunday of Advent (Sunday, November 29, 2009)

* Feast of Saint Nicholas (Sunday, December 6, 2009)

* Second Sunday of Advent (Sunday, December 6, 2009)

* Immaculate Conception (Tuesday, December 8, 2009)
Holy Day of Obligation

* Our Lady of Guadalupe (Saturday, December 12, 2009)

* Feast of Saint Lucy (Sunday, December 13, 2009)

* Third Sunday of Advent (Gaudete Sunday) (Sunday, December 13, 2009)

* Fourth Sunday of Advent (Sunday, December 20, 2009)

* Christmas Eve (Thursday, December 24, 2009)

* Christmas (Friday, December 25, 2009)
Holy Day of Obligation

Here is a wonderful article outlining the winter festivals within the Waldorf home school.

This weekend marks the Feast of Saint Nicholas and the coming post will talk a little more about that! Stay tuned…

Enjoy recent pics:

Ethan and I ice skating this week

I awoke to find Ethan’s morning alone time activity: building a bonfire for his “friends”

Just off the needles: slouchy beanie for mama

Ethan helped me with gourmet homemade pizza on family movie night tonight

My first waldorf doll, a floor puppet

Verity in her cutie vintage thrift store bonnet

Ethan’s playtime activity- his nature arrangement of winter elements

I feel this week as though so much has changed. A simple, yet profound, shift has taken place. Will it last? Dear God, I hope so.

First of all, I have home schooled. Really home schooled. It’s been a long time. Since before we moved into the community house nearly, what, 10 months ago. Does this mean we did worksheets, flashcards, field trips and quizzes? No.

This week: Ethan made bread. He made Advent candles. He started ice skating lessons. He watercolored his heart out. He played with his nature table for HOURS each day. He didn’t watch TV and stopped asking for movies. He started taking 1 hour naps at the same time each day. He started whining less. He started reasoning with himself rather than arguing with us for the heck of it. He didn’t fight much at bedtime. He used his imagination. He learned new songs. He played outdoor games. He fell more in love with his sister. He fell more attached to his stuffed dragon, Scorch (who now comes everywhere, even ice skating.) He also enjoyed mama’s raw milk hot cocoa every day after his nap. His low point was a boy fight with a friend on Monday – the next time he saw him, however, I heard him say, “Let’s not fight anymore, okay? I really want to play good with you.”

Another endearing thing he said: “Mama, wow. God gave you really special eyes. They are beautiful. Like the inside of kiwi berries.”

He’s ran up and hugged me out of sheer excitement and joy several times a day. We’ve bowed a namaste to each other to share a moment of appreciation, a new “bit” we share.

This week: I spent time with my son. I gave him my attention. I mustered up more energy. I took two yoga classes. I didn’t work much (sigh. the tradeoff? I hope not…). I knitted two waldorf wool gnomes and made one floor puppet waldorf doll for Christmas presents, purchased an amazing wooden kitchen set made just this week by a local grandpa woodcraftsman to gift my children with for Advent/Christmas morning, made lots of soup, made lots of simple oatmeal cookies, made my FIRST loaf of bread in the oven, finally ordered a copy of All Year Round, ice skated with my son for an hour, and oh so much more. When I wasn’t with the family I was either working or feverishly crafting for the holidays. It’s been a tad glorious.

I also moved to a new blog, but kept the archive for mamaneedjava. In many ways I had outgrown that skin. And staying in it was holding me back creatively. The theme was too scattered and it wasn’t growing with me as I’d hoped. The audience was scattered, too. As delicately as I can put this, I must admit that I am now writing for an audience of peers, not extended family members simply looking for an update on the kiddos.

You see, MamaNeedJava began as an experiment in three things: 1. to exercise my writing, 2. to record mine and my childrens’ happenings, and 3. to integrate all of the various aspects of myself, the different “parts” I show and play for different people in my life, into one open-book, transparent, what-you-see-is-what-you-get-Vivian. And I’m so glad I did; It was a great experiment. It DID do all of those things for me. It totally fulfilled its purpose.

But now its time to scale back. Now its time to be vulnerable and transparent, but with more freedom and purpose. I can send photos and updates via email, but here, at Mama Seasons, is where I journal. Here is where I explore my limits, reflect, and set intentions. I want Mama Seasons to be for me another yoga mat; a place all my own, where I can feel weighted as well as the weightless, where I can feel as small as a child and as strong as a warrior in a matter of moments, where I can even doze off if I want to. I want this blog to be a safe place for me to do all this. A place where insecurities of others isn’t blasted into my comments nor the concerns of well-meaning parents show up in my inbox. This isn’t the place for that anymore. This is more intimate, more private. Please respect.

This is the place where I walk the path, and where ever I am is okay. This is the place where I spot “findings” on the side of the trail and bring them here to share with the walkers beside me, in mutual appreciation for this journey’s highs and lows.

As I continue to format and update the new blog, enjoy old entries of MamaNeedJava (with a grain of salt ), and look forward to picturesque moments caught on camera, Advent thoughts and ideas, and other Mama Seasons findings for the month of December.