Homeschooling and I have had quite a year. We began strong, though somewhat unsure. Being new to homeschooling can feel a lot like arriving in a supermarket out of boredom… what to look at, what to buy, … not sure what I’m even doing here!

Then moving at 7 months pregnant and having Verity last Spring side-swiped our family routine quite a bit. So we took our “summer break” and started back up in July. Since I gravitate towards the unschooling philosophy/practice of homeschooling (which is, for me, essentially just real world learning as opposed to worksheets and stuff), it was easy to kinda just “go at it” and figure things out along the way. Yet this way of doing our day around “real world” learning only really happened when we were in the real world. The problem is that I work anywhere from 3-8 hours a day on my laptop, which doesn’t really lend itself to a natural learning environment for Ethan. It’s really hard!!! I think what is so hard about it is the actual switching off and on of different aspects of my brain and personality.

Like there’s supposed to be some “ON SWITCH” for creative, motherly, curious, playful, cooking, crafty, outdoorsy Vivian and another “ON SWITCH” for detail-oriented, techie, responsible, dependable, professional Vivian — yet I must confess that I am groping around in the dark basement for the circuit breaker box and CANNOT FIND IT! There are no switches; No easy way to go back and forth CONSTANTLY throughout my day.

Like other mother’s I battle the “mom brain”: I point at something and try to say “Put this over under the………….. thing…….ugh, you know……. um…….. the! ……. CHAIR! The chair! Can you put this under the chair?!”

This whole process of motherhood; the glaring limitations of knowledge, experience, intellect and energy, is exceedingly difficult when combined with the work-at-home-THANG. I’ll never candy coat it for ya- it’s damn hard!

But GOSH! I am so grateful. I am so grateful to be able to pay rent in a lovely house in metro Portland and afford to eat a large variety of incredible foods, all while being around my kids. The sheer fact that I can sleep in with Verity and nurse her all day – I will never take that for granted. And that I can find 30 minutes several times a day to go on a walk with Ethan or read books or whatever — that the vast majority of his rhythm and learning and life is being witnessed by his parents and not a stranger — MAN, I could (and do!) cry at the privilege of being home for these things.

I’m even MORE blessed that my husband is home with me! What a dynamic duo his presence here creates, as he does all the laundry and shares in diapers, dishes, and meals. I am so grateful for the help he gives me while I work, and so proud of him for his recent decision to go back to school to get an online masters degree while helping me at home.

In the meantime, I have been evaluating our days at home, analyzing (and sometimes agonizing!) over the precious and fleeting time we have — how to use it wisely, creatively and positively. It’s so hard to do this when I spend time on my laptop during the day. So hard that…

I’ve come to the conclusion that integrating my work life with my mother life all day long is not working for us, for now. I constantly feel that I am here — but not present. I spend too much time simply questioning my priorities and making the tough decision to figure out what to do next (that report waiting on me OR preparing lunch, painting with Ethan, going to the library…)

I know enough about myself to know that strict schedules and compartmentalizing my life don’t work either. So what is the happy balance? I don’t know. I know I just have to keep workin’ at it until something feels right. And maybe it will never feel PERFECT, but hopefully a little easier than this.

I want to try setting aside 2 days that are Chris’ days with Ethan, which means I can work all day. I plan to have these days be Tuesdays and Saturdays. Sundays will still be family day. But M, W, R and F will be for homeschooling during the day and working at night. That means I probably won’t even crack open the laptop during the day, because it always starts with 10 minutes and the next thing I know, 3 hours have gone by!

Because my personality leans towards sanguine and choleric, I tend to get very motivated and task oriented, yet easily diverted from one task to another and distracted with accomplishing something all the way to its end. I will walk into the bedroom to find a pair of scissors and the frame will catch my eye and I’ll decide it needs a new photo and then when I start looking at photos I decide I need to really scan these in and make back ups, and when I go to scan them in I decide I need to download better photo editing software, and then when I go online to search for the photo editing software I realize I need to … (this is a hypothetical but STRONGLY based on every day life!)

I know this. And I have to just laugh at myself and say, come on’, ol’ girl, get your act together!

All of these things play into how I spend my day as a work-at-home-mom. And when I try to let things happen naturally and have no plans or goals for my home life (i.e. what unschooling tends to look like for me since I have so much work to do), the energy just gets THAT MUCH MORE scattered. And then I’m not at all surprised when Ethan’s energy is that much more scattered!

So I need to get some discipline. Just a little. (Cause that word scares me from back in my legalistic conventional fundamentalist Christian days.)

To help me have a plan, a goal, a rhythm to our days (the days I am to home school as a stay-at-home-mom and not open my laptop), I have decided to bite the bullet and erg, eh, AGST, drats…

get some curricula. DUM DUMT DAH.

I think Ethan has long since been “ready” intellectually and socially for a kindergarten curricula… but here I must tread very, very carefully.

Because I believe that the best way kids learn is through play and narrative and natural every day learning. So I’m not getting workbooks, no. But SOME sort of guide for a year of kindergarten learning, nonetheless, for which we will begin after the Thanksgiving holidays.

What I’ll be doing is purchasing resources/lesson plans/etc within two of my favorite fields of homeschooling: Waldorf and Charlotte Mason.

Through the Waldorf curricula I hope to accomplish a weekly, monthly and yearly rhythm. Every Monday we bake bread, every Wednesday is painting day, so on… I also want to pick out and utilize the natural materials idea, which will help me get rid of a lot of “stuff” sucking up space in Ethan’s room. Because the Waldorf school believes children need simple, all natural materals, anything that is not wool, silk, wood, etc is not used, including polyester stuffed animals, so on. That is hard – even in Ethan’s room which is like 80% waldorf approved, lol. But I won’t go nuts. I believe there’s a lot of good stuff with Waldorf curricula, but I also believe reading is HUGE for Ethan — and so is some electronic mediums such as educational library videos or background music to set the tone for the activity. So Waldorf curricula, with its natural materials, beautiful daily rhythm, handwork and festivals is AWESOME – and I’ll use what I like and not beat myself up for not using what I don’t like! lol

With this new Kindergarten year (again, which I’m beginning for Ethan after Thanksgiving) I will also supplement with Charlotte Mason curricula, which sets the bar high for “living books” and emphasis on character building, reading, so on.

In addition, I’m considering registering Ethan (when he turns 5) for AllPrep. A friend has told me about this program, which is essentially homeschooling under the umbrella of a free charter school, but which scarcely involves itself in your homeschooling aside from supplying you with lots of resources which you can choose to use or not. One of which is a $500 credit to use at Village Home and another is FREE Rosetta Stone (language learning software that is really expensive!). For the Rosetta Stone stuff alone, I am seriously considering doing this next year, so we would be able to own the awesome resource (we would pick Spanish, of course, but many languages are available).

Ok, wow, I guess I could write about this stuff forever, heh? My little angel baby is awake now, very fussy from her teething ailments. Now that I’ve relieved my brain of some of these highly flammable thoughts, I better skiddaddle. Until next time…

I am…

• knitting these, and it is fun. (If you aren’t logged into ravelry.com you can’t view this, but suffice it to say they are cutie sweetie fingerless gloves with cabling and fun stuff on them.
• reading this, and it is inspiring.
• listening to my baby fart, and it is hilariously musical.
• about to watch Harry Potter with Hubby, in front of the ambiance of our electric fireplace in our room … and very much looking forward to it.

I have been at a loss these last few weeks – a loss of what to share with you all. Not just on the blog but often in person as well. I feel like all the little munchkin workers running the factory inside my brain have all caught a cold; Everything is a little slower. Harry called in sick and Margaret is complaining about her migraine. Come on, Brain People, get to work!

I have tried a few times to bring you a new and interesting post, and each time I managed to get my wheels turnin’, my brain just said, “fart.” I’m not even kidding. I wish I were. I even think what came out had a bit of foul odor.

Is it motherhood? The constant lack of quality sleep? The ferocious amount of mental energy it takes to keep all the balls spinning on each and every finger of my hands (and the one I balance on my head too!)?

It’s not that I haven’t had anything on my mind, though. Just the opposite. SO.MUCH. Where to begin? How to carefully divulge — with what amount of vulnerability am I willing to risk?

On one hand, I could start and end with the daily hum drum of my life: What I did this week, how yoga is going, how my diet is going, how my marriage is going, how the kids are doing, how homeschooling is going, how work is going.

To all those questions, I would describe things as “just fine!” Nothing newsworthy, which is often a good thing. The week has been fairly balanced, I am still loving yoga even though I wanted to cry when my body would not do an inversion in dolphin position this week (don’t you love how yoga brings out those emotions, showing us how hard we can be on ourselves?!) I’m eating well enough. My marriage is having a good week, we’ve talked a lot and bla bla bla. The kids are good, though Ethan still drives me absolutely bonkers. (The phase he is in is the “DEMANDING” phase. Holy cow. Talk about stressful.) As you could see from my last post, Verity is doing great, already crawling and getting into every little thing. Homeschooling is a lot more like “unschooling” these days since I have been working quite a bit. Last week we went with the homeschool group to the Sauvie Island pumpkin patch and today was the Halloween Party (Chris, Misty and I went as Bollywood stars, Ethan was an alien — thanks to the crazy mother who stayed up all night knitting him a green hat to make into an alien costume…). Work is work. Between 3 clients and another 3 folks I “barter” my services for, things are busy, busy, busy. I’d say the category of “work related” stuff I do each week is teetering on over-time (i.e. 40+ hours/wk), simultaneous with my work as a mom/wife (160 hours/wk). I just keep telling myself that one day, rest will come. One day, the kids will be a little older. One day, Chris will bring in more income. One day. And I don’t say that in a woah-is-me voice, either. I truly am hopeful for that one day. If my dad harped on anything, it was the phrase, “This too shall pass.” Sweet Jesus, how true.

Then there’s all of those thoughts and questions which my mind just turns and turns and turns, until everything inside it is sweet n’ creamy butta, baby. Short and long term financial goals, mine and Chris’ strengths and weaknesses, personal triumphs and failures, which learned roles I take on that I really don’t have to, why I so easily slip into survival mode, why I can’t let go, where we’ll all be in 5 years, will Ethan and I ever be close again, will I ever be able to homeschool the way I want to, why I feel the need to not just deliver but IMPRESS, why I’m all of a sudden disgruntled with our choice to be carless, why we are always broke within a week of a paycheck,… all of these and so, so much more.

More things like new herbs I’ve learned about, new projects I’m knitting, how our new homegroup is growing, if and how I fit into the body of Evergreen Community, my frustration at the sewing machine for wrecking up the pillow covers I’m sewing –

WILL IT JUST SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT I’VE GOT A LOT OF POTS ON THE STOVE?!

Yep. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

This has become a novel, hasn’t it? One big brain fart of a novel. And I didn’t even tell you the details of what I got out of the Betrayed, Redeemed Conference last weekend or anything else of significance in my life lately. I guess I’ll just save that all for a rainy day.

K, I just looked outside so I’ll rephrase that: save that all for a DIFFERENT rainy day.

Cheers, and happy almost- all saints day (stole that off of 30 Rock last night. That and “Good God, your breath! When did you have time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach!” …Ha! Cracks me up…)

I’ve been trying to stay ahead of a cold for about a week or so now. It’s been fairly easy, but I can feel my body fall behind it a bit when I get too little sleep or eat something sugary, which I did the last two days in a row (darn that new bakery and their delicious coconut macaroon!) … (and darn that the movie “Away We Go” was so darn cute that I stayed up til 2am to watch it!)

So I’m slowing down. I’m sipping “Tonic” tea, a blend from the Alberta Co-Op that includes green tea with herbs and spices like cardamom, ginger, cinnamon, mullein (great for sinuses), cloves, etc. My raw honey mask is on my face and I might rub some essential oil into my feet before bed too. I need to sleep deeply tonight.

Speaking of sleep, I have a post coming all about the different herbs traditionally used for sleep and relaxation aids, so you have that to look forward to.

In the meantime, the NoPo (north portland) Home Group harvest party kickoff was at our place tonight and we squeezed into our living room. It was really encouraging to hear where everyone was coming from and what they wanted out of it: authenticity, real relationships, friends, spiritual depth. There was an agreement that we would not do workbooks or sign agreements in our group. Ever. Instead we’ll do potluck dinners twice a month and a movie night once a month (”film and theology” – esque). I’m really looking forward to getting to know this group of folks over the next year…

I’m feeling emotional better than Sunday, but still kinda hormonal. I think it has to do with lack of sleep more than anything, though there are certainly some heartaches I am enduring from time to time. It’s like how sometimes an aspect of living is really grueling but in the larger scheme of things its all going in a positive direction.

I was thinking about that today, when I was changing Verity’s diaper. She was wailing and so upset with me because she was also very hungry, but I knew that I had to endure that so when she DID get to nurse her diaper would be clean and she could fall asleep, rather than half comfortable with poop stuck to her butt. I know only a mom would get that, lol, but I seriously thought about how God must feel that way with us sometimes! I can certainly be like the wailing, hungry infant who can’t see the logic in getting my diaper changed And the air on my butt is so cold!!! WAHHHHHH!!!

Back to my tonic, my work, and eventually, my SLEEP! Yoga class tomorrow morning, thankyoujeebus.

Everyday I work out the kinks of my life;
Breathe into them, feel them loosen.
It’s hard work, all this working.

Sometimes I grumble and complain.
Sometimes I boast in my own capabilities.
Sometimes I just fall over and give up.

I work out the kinks of my career,
learn new things that make my brain want to POP.
I work out the kinks of my heart,
learn new things that make my soul want to POP.

Even rest often feels like work:
taxing, stretching, challenging, moving, producing.

Today my work looked like this:

The challenge of getting myself and two young kids
ready to brace a chilly Fall morning, then
– catch the MAX, transfer to the bus –
Go to a yoga class,
Have a work meeting through lunchtime,
Carry my 20 pound baby 4 miles home because we don’t have change for the bus.
Break up the cock fights that burst forth every 2 minutes between Chris and Ethan,
Convince everyone to be civil,
Lose my civility by the 3rd mile (survival now: LET’S JUST MAKE IT HOME!)
Home for dinner: feed the baby, feed the preschooler, feed the husband, feed the mommy.
Get Ethan showered, Get baby showered, Get mommy showered.
Read 2 books, kiss Ethan goodnight.
Nurse for the umpteenth time today.
Work another few hours on random projects that have been on the backburner for friends.
Try to get to sleep at a decent hour…

Tomorrow work might look different:
a 9am – 2pm shift on the laptop,
learning things that make my brain want to go POP.
Followed by
grocery shopping,
cooking,
hosting a Harvest Party for our newly forming homegroup…

The next day, work will look different again, and then again…

Mixed through all of this work is internal work: prayers, self-talk, counseling, relationship building…

Even sleep is work: I work away the tensions of the day, I wake to nurse several times, I soothe a stuffy nosed baby, half-asleep rocking upright on my bed until she falls back asleep…

This is a season, a season for lots of hard work. They come, they go. Maybe winter will be restful: lots of painting, journaling, knitting, naps…

Since there are a teeny tiny few things on my mind between work this week, I will fill you in on what exactly those things might be.

First, YOGA. MamaZen (and if you scroll the pics, I’m actually in a few of them, can you guess who I am?) Have you heard enough about them yet? Well, in 3 weeks doing their practice 2 times a week and a home practice daily, I have lost 7 pounds. Yes, I’ve also been eating a highly nourishing diet like I described here. With some cookies on the side Anyway, I love them (mamazen). I’ve been feeling myself grow more strong and toned, which is a boost to the self-confidence after your body is wrecked by childbirth! My energy and spirits have been up, which is a very good thing given that my daily life with the kids, work, and marriage in recovery is DRAINING to say the least. Here are some of my favorite poses that have been helpful in conjunction of course with a rhythmic breathing through holding the poses (til I am burning and sweating and think my muscles can take it no longer ) These images are from the “sequence” I built using the handy home practice builder on yogajournal.com.

Second, speaking of energy and spirits (no, not THAT kind. Though a good mojito now and then doesn’t hurt), I will be adding some essential oils (PDF) to the family’s general well being very soon. Young Living, if you haven’t read all about it over at the experts blog, aka my roomate Lacey, is a therapeutic grade oil (as opposed to basic aromatherapy oils “over the counter” whose process of refinement destroys most if not all of the medicinal properties of the original plant). I’ve been using Lacey’s stash here and there with excellent results and lately benefited even further from the essential oil “adjustment” the yoga instructor gives everyone while in Savasana at the end of the practice. Since the weather is turning and having certain oils burning in the electric burner have been a major relief for us battling seasonal depression through the winter months, I’ve decided to get a few from Young Living for skin application that are meant to aid in processing emotions, so on. I’ve encouraged Lacey to write more about this line in her blog so keep checking her out for the real low down

Next on the list: skin. I’ve been hoping for some skin change since eating such reduced carbs and sugars, adding anti-inflammatory foods, and practicing yoga. I’ve been drinking tea each day with beneficial herbs (like dandelion root to support the liver and a few others) and of course doing the plethora of probiotics found in kefirs and kombucha. While I noticed my skin was not getting WORSE, it wasn’t getting too much better (yet, I mean its only been 3 weeks though!). But here’s where things get interesting. I remembered reading about an anti-inflammatory, anti-bacterial raw skin mask you can make at home from raw unfiltered honey and spices like turmeric, cloves and cayenne. I hadn’t tried it yet but while in Chicago my colleague and I were talking about raw honey and she pointed out that she has a one week shelf life, refrigeration only honey mask she finds at Lush. Sure enough its got those ingredients in it. Back home, I’ve been doing this mask once a day and holy crap. In the morning my skin is more moisturized, exfoliated, even-toned and smooth. Raw honey is known for doing all these things and more (healing scars, killing germs, so on), so I’m not surprised that it works, just how GOOD it works. So note to those of you who have any sort of skin problem! Try the Vivian raw honey/turmeric/cloves/cayenne skin mask!

As we proceed further down the list: Upcoming events. Tomorrow the homeschool group gathers at our place for an apple themed meet up. In honor of the theme, everyone is bring potluck items featuring apples in the ingredients. Today Ethan, Caleb and I juiced 5 pounds of organic apples, adding fresh ginger, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg and allspice, and popped in the water kefir to start brewing batch of amazingly healthy homemade sparkling apple cider. With the pulp from the juicer I made a quick apple bunt cake and topped it with a homemade pumpkin cream cheese icing. All sweetened with only raw honey, of course. I also have several pounds of apple chicken sausages to cook up in the morning for our guests.

Tomorrow evening is family movie night, this one being kinda special. We’ve been promising Ethan a viewing of the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, complete with an “Unbirthday Party” with cake and tea. Saturday is a friend’s 5th birthday party at the pumpkin patch – very exciting. I could go on but since there is like an event ever single day this month, I’ll save all that for another post, or two!

And speaking of family, every one is doing pretty good. I don’t want to speak for Hubby because he does have his own blog, after all, lol, but suffice to say that he has been having a hard time. He newly began therapy which has been intense, while trying to start his own business and feeling less active since not riding his bike to and from work each day. He’s had low points in his recovery lately which is difficult for us, but at the same time we are talking more and he seems to now be working harder at staying where he needs to be emotionally and spiritually. We had a yoga class together earlier this week that was really fun too!

Okay, well back to work. I’ll post some pics this weekend after some of the festivities…

I just got back from a community dinner with our friends down the street. The vegan potluck features many delicious meals which I scooped out by the heapfuls and piled on a small dessert plate for Ethan and I to munch on. But just when I thought I had it comfortably full, I turned around and noticed THREE MORE dishes on the stove! What to do?!

Boy, this is life, zapped into this little kitchen surrounded by amazing opportunities. Choosing what I want on my plate is definitely one of the major themes this month.

Within just a few weeks of Verity’s birth, I already began working (from home) again and within a month I was starting to be involved in Ethan’s homeschooling and joined a Friday homeschool group. I tried to be cautious about my involvement and commitment level to the various offers out there, from putting in time with my local church to taking on more roles (and hours, and even new clients) in my business, to starting a 3x a week running schedule to do the 5k this Sunday, to signing up for random things like mommy and me yoga on Wed. and Sat. and Village Home classes on Tuesday and quickly, quickly, I am realizing, my schedule got FULL.

SO full, in fact, that when I turn around and notice all the pots still on the stove, I have no more room and things begin to overlap and fall off. Not good.

Fact of the matter is, I am a mom with 2 young kids; one who is an infant and one who is homeschooled by yours truly. I work between 20-40 hours a week, depending on the work flow, from home with only my darling husband as “childcare”. I often work a few long days per week and then other days all night, in order to make up for the days I must take off to participate in field trips and community events and so on. Oh, and let’s not forget spending a tad of my time with my “intentional community” at the Kenton House and, of course, my husband and marriage (and weekly counseling and reading material and all those things that come with that!) And then there’s the wee time to blog, or knit, or watch a movie, or have tea with friends. You get the picture.

The point is, my time is valuable. And there is a time for everything under the sun. And it is all meaningless. LOL (okay, that was a tad out of context, but sometimes it feels that way, heh? Solomon certainly was wise!)

Where am I going with this? Here it is –

Today was Ethan’s first day of school at Village Home. We were SO looking forward to it. Here’s how it went:

Up working til passed midnight last night, nursed twice in the night, woke up at 7:30am to get kids dressed, ran out just before 9am with no breakfast (the kitchen was too full) so we ran to Posies, ate our breakfast in the car on the way, got there (in Beaverton) 5 minutes late. Got to class 10 minutes late.

First class of the day? Word World. Hmmm, how do I sum this up? The teacher mainly passed out worksheets. The lowlight of this was when another mother did Ethan’s FOR him. Yes, she sat there and told him every single answer to a worksheet he already knew how to do, not even letting him guess himself. I suppose his size deemed he needed the help but I was stunned silent and didn’t know what to do. I actually had to walk out of the room! I was like, if I’m going to spend an hour watching my son do TWADDLE, at least let him do it himself! lol Then a story was read, Blueberries for Sal, which we’ve been reading allllll summer long. Then they did another worksheet and colored in things that are blue. What? This is a $50 class (for the semester). So that was a little of a bummer, but I was still hopeful.

Then there was Move and Groove, a dance class. Ethan was very shy about moving about and following the teacher. He constantly wanted to be up at the front, talking to instructors, rather than following along. I watched him pick his nose on the sidelines for about 20 minutes (I’m not kidding, either, he dug out some good ones) before I was able to pass off the baby to Chris so I could go do ALL the dancing activities WITH him for another 40 minutes. It was fun, but I will not be able to do that each week, as the morning classes were going to be the hubby’s duty and the afternoon classes were going to be my duty. So this was definitely not a permanent solution. And I definitely felt that he was not that interested in the class, AT ALL.

The highlight of the day was meeting up with a home school mom from our Friday group and her son and going out to lunch (Korean, yum!). We rushed back for “Knitting” which was basically a small group of knitters, over half of whom were tweens learning for the first time. Ethan was frustrated doing his finger knitting in front of people and ended up practicing his “common words” flash cards instead. I was beginning to feel like this exhausting day was not really worth our time, or our money, but I wanted to get through the last class.

Organic Gardening. This is perhaps the best class of the day, which involves an instructor answering our questions that come up about our home gardens all the while we are weeding and planting and what not a space at the school with two small raised beds. It was fun – but alas. We have a garden at home. We do this every day. Do we need to travel 3 hours both ways via lightrail and spend our entire day here for that?

So we finally get home at about 4:30. I promptly start the meal for the vegan potluck and Ethan is a great little cook with me, helping me clip the tips of the green beans, par-boil them, add the cherry tomatoes and stir in the dressing. I talked to him about the day.

He says he enjoyed himself. He says he wants to go back. And I know on some level he does. This is hard!

But I asked him if he wanted to hit a storytime each week at the library like we used to instead of going to the reading class for a story, and that we’ll still see William and Brianna several times a week for playdates and our Friday group. I remind him that we dance together everyday, so we can still do this at home, as well as garden and knit. But if he REALLY wants to keep going on Tuesdays, I say, then okay – I’ll keep trying to make it work.

In the end, he admits that he could do without the Tuesday school day, in exchange for the dancing, knitting, gardening and reading we already do anyway, integrated into our daily life so effortlessly.

This was all such an odd experience. I thought I would love starting this little “homeschool” classes day, but I realized even more why I chose to do what I do: Because learning is so alive, so vivid, so individual; Because peers should be mixed ages, mixed abilities, mixed walks of life; Because life should be organic and integrated and rhythmic- not a rush and a squeeze and a stress; Because our time should be FULL with not only wonderful activities but also plenty of open slots for spontaneity, generosity — even so-called “inconveniences”!

I end the day right now reflecting on how grateful I am to live the life I do. I love that Ethan’s classroom is the world, his teachers are all around him and his learning happens constantly. He thrives in it and he’s confident in it, he has dear friends as well as casual playmates. Upon carrying bags full of plums from our tree to our neighbors yesterday, it occured to me that he also has a “grandpa and grandma” figure right next door, as well as “Aunts” a few doors down from him, with dogs he gets to play with since he doesn’t have one, lol. (Chickens I can handle. Dogs? No.)

In Portland, we are building, (ever so slowly sometimes!) a surrogate family – complete with odd characters, clumsy experiences, and — eventually — roots. A few weeks ago I was seriously at my wits end with homesickness and wondering if I should just pack it up and move in with in-laws back in Florida!!! But since “hanging in there”, I see evidence each new day that we are here for a reason and that things are actually going quite well.

So long as I can keep my plate open enough for community experiences that matter, I think we’ll do just fine.

(On a related note, our Kenton House will be the new NoPo – the short name for North Portland- Home Group at Evergreen! I am very excited to get some more intimate and smaller experiences with a group of great people while we shares meals — and lives– together. Pray for us!)

Well, I’m outta here as of tomorrow morning to head over to Champoeg campground with just under 100 other Evergreeners for the weekend. If I could describe my excitement about being outside in lovely weather with my family and friends, knitting and reading and staring at the fire all weekend, I would. I am SO needing this!

What have I been up to this week? Mainly just maintaining life with work, kids, a marriage, so on. Had a knit night last night at Posies with the gals, which was nice, especially since I haven’t had my girl time this week with my running group (my neck was too sore to even think about jostling around like that!) In my spare time I have been reading about herbs and deciding on which avenue of learning I would like to take to learn more. I decided on the simple 1 hour recorded sessions of this lady out in Eugene after watching her free intro course online. She is inexpensive, entertaining, and a seasoned “wise woman” (an approach I really like). I’m so exciting about learning more.

Since learning to knit was last winter’s project, this one is for the upcoming season. As I’ve reflected on before, when I lived in Florida for 20 years I felt like I was burnt out. The number of sunny, warm climate days didn’t mix well with me and I constantly found myself out of sorts. I can’t blame that all on the weather, but I certainly felt a release of that particular feeling upon moving to the Pacific NW. The seasons are distinct and beautiful here, and I’ve come to appreciate them more each year. Many people, including myself, feel a sense of rest and hibernation that comes with the rain and shortened daylight. The kids sleep in longer, more tea is consumed, sweaters and good book follow you around the house. I have found that I scale back on social activities and extend myself a little less, spending more time on my own creativity, processing, and family life. I find that there is a little more time to learn something new, more downtime in between the busy life of a work-at-home-mom. Maybe its my own conscious choice to balance myself out after a jam packed, exhausting summer. Maybe its because its raining and cold so there’s only so much I can venture out to do outside the home without a CAR! lol Either way, I welcome it and call this next chapter of my year: RAIN AND HERBS.

Speaking of the next chapter of life, next week Ethan begins classes at Village Home. We ended up in different classes than we began in, which I think is awesome. He’ll actually be taking “Word World” and “Move and Groove”, along with two family classes for members: Knitting and Organic Gardening. The Word World class is with 5-8 year old’s who will learn early reading concepts through story times and picture games. The Move and Groove class is a physical education/dance category, where the young students are introduced to basic dance concepts and listen and move to jazz, ballet, tap, etc. I think he’ll enjoy the musical aspect of that and love to groove to the music as we so often to while we listen to the radio together!

He is doing super with words and reading lately, it is amazing to me. He could spend hours rearranging the letters on the fridge and trying to spell things out phonetically. He reads along in his early reader books already and can’t get enough of it. It’s like all he can think about, which is very cute. Today out of no where he said the word “sit” in a sentence and then like a light bulb went off he said, “HEY! MAMA! I can spell “sit” watch this: “ssihttt…. so that’s sss- ih – tt, which are the letters S, I, and T!” I love seeing him grasp concepts on his own and be genuinely excited about reading.

Stories and narrative are such an important part of our lives, (another post for another time), and to see him get excited about them gives me chills! Tonight for bed we began a child’s version of the classic “Alice in Wonderland”, something he was very curious about at the Enchanted Gardens. We plan to get through the book while camping (it’s rather long) and then have the classic Disney movie version on hold at the library when we get back.

In the meantime he’s been watching movies in the early morning when I simply can’t get up with him because I’ve been up late working (Chris might as well sleep in too because he’s often up folding laundry while I work ). I honestly love hearing his door open at like 6:30am and he hums and sings to himself from the moment he wakes up, heads to pee in the bathroom singing all the while, and then goes upstairs to get himself breakfast. He utilizes chairs and whatever he needs to fetch and toast a frozen waffle or piece of bread, grabs a piece of fruit, gets himself a plate, and heads down to the “playroom” we’ve carved out of the laundry room, where he eats while rocking in his rocking chair and viewing a little movie to keep him occupied while we’re asleep. Lately he’s been on a REAL “Milo & Otis” kick and can practically recite the dialogue, storyline and songs impeccably, lol. He also likes “Charlotte’s Web” like its never going outta style.

In still other news, I recently went back to work with Wiley on a very small scale basis to help out with a new social media initiative. The extra paycheck each month and the chance to work with “the ol’ team” again will be really nice! Chris is still working at networking and has a few events next week where he will go and talk with people and pass out his card. He also interviewed today for an internship in order to gain some skills with a small local (very local, like right down the road) company who is into social media as well. It was funny and reminded us how small Portland can be in some ways, because when he got there the two people interviewing realized they already knew him. One had seen us as Posies ALL. THE. TIME. and another was attending Evergreen at Ethan and Verity’s dedication a few weeks ago! Small world. We’re keeping our fingers crossed that the internship will be his, particularly for the training ground and networking potential. (Shoot, I just realized he might have wanted me to NOT blog about his job hunt so he had some material to post on his sloooooow moving blog at DadaNeedJava! Oops! Sorry, hun. I guess you can always post about how your counseling is going )

In still other news, or update rather, I’ve had a wonderful week eating a “nourishing” only diet. My meals have consisted mainly of a protein, fruit, veggie, nuts, etc. – primarily only “whole foods”. I’ve not had breads, sweets, crackers, nothing like that all week (except one zucchini muffin made by my temptress roommate Lacey today ). You could call it low-carb but the raw honey (for apitotherapy benefits) and fruit don’t put it under that category. Neither is it low-cal or purposefully glutein-free. What it is is SMART calories that give my body the most of what it needs. It’s working so well. My gut feels way less bloated, I’m having tons of BM’s (TMI? LOL), and my hunger is curbed with some nuts or piece of chicken or bowl of whole plain yogurt. I’ve even, get this, lost 2 pounds! lol, hey, it’s something!

Well, I better call this a night and get back to some work and my yummy tea. “See” you all when I get back Sunday or Monday!

I was cleaning out my drafted posts recently and I discovered an old post I began writing late at night over a year ago. I never did publish it, in fact I forgot all about it. I’ll explain why in just a bit.

Here’s an excerpt:

Marriage is hard. Sometimes it downright sucks. I’ve heard married couples tell me they have never slept on the couch, or they have never felt like they hated the other– and I always think the same thing:

Gag.Me.With.A.Spoon.

All I can think about is the crushing disappointment that I experienced after the honeymoon phase of marriage, and how absolutely unrealistic and impractical the whole wedding/marriage experience can be when we put so much “God called me to marry this person” into it and takes logic out of the equation.

I’ve been in some form of marital counseling for more years of my marriage than not. I am 5.5 years into mine and must say that I HAVE NO FREAKIN IDEA HOW TO DO THIS THING!

…it’s been hell.

How wonderful is it to live your life in an unloving situation? And, I’m sorry, but I’m not Jesus. I’m Vivian! I have my own baggage, my own habits, my own struggles in trying to relate and express and merge. And, yes, I HAVE Jesus, but what does that mean, practically, to a girl who has heard it all and tried it all and is just, in pain?

I remember being in that much pain. It was confusing. Nothing made sense. Chris’ behavior didn’t make sense. If I was asked about my relationship in those years, it would have been tough to not cry. I didn’t know what to do.

Just 4 days after writing that draft, I discovered Chris’ infidelity. The weeks that followed were sucked into a time warp that included some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. It included the confession that his infidelity had begun before we were even married, that in fact it spanned back to his adolescence in the form of an addictive pattern of behaviors. I was horrified by the things I heard had happened during our marriage, as though my life was being deconstructed and an alternate timeline was emerging that was dark and perverse. I slept on the floor in my living room for weeks. My knees felt weak and there was a knot in my stomach constantly. I couldn’t work and I could barely take care of Ethan. While Chris began 12 step support groups every day and counseling and everything while living in the studio in the backyard, I was hurt and angry and embarrassed and lost. I felt divorced in every way. I had no desire to see pictures of our past, even baby pictures of Ethan pained me for a long time. One day, I decided I couldn’t have possession of my wedding ring or wedding pictures. I ripped them up and left the rings on a bench in the Pearl.

Last summer was the worst time of my life. And it was also the best.

At the time, I could barely see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even when I saw Chris devastated and broken and repentant, even when he found a decent new job and even once I decided to let him stay at the house again, I walked around in turmoil often. I felt a cloud of shame, my family couldn’t believe I had decided to stay for even one more minute, to give this any sort of chance at all. Sometimes I would be walking with Ethan around the neighborhood, enjoying his long talking streaks in the weather that was just as it is now, quickly turning to Fall, and a car would drive by and my eyes would meet with some stranger driving it. In an instant my heart would sink. They know, I thought. As though I were wearing a scarlet letter.

Still, we talked all the time. Sometimes ten hours a day. Talked and talked and talked. We rediscovered each other, the real us too, not just the best foot forward. We talked into the late hours of the morning, usually we ended up crying together before falling asleep again on the living room floor and couch. (I couldn’t go back to my bedroom after that, not until we redecorated it and painted the walls and so on.)

I didn’t trust Chris and I didn’t forgive Chris. Our marriage was broken and the thought of it only brought pain. But I put all that on one side of my existence, and decided that I would take it one day at a time in our “new” relationship. There was, in some small way, such promise in what was blossoming that I couldn’t bring myself to throw that all away just yet. I wanted to see what would happen, if this was truly a turning point. If a turning point is even a real thing. I felt my heart beginning to love this man talking to me, even when no love existed before.

I also, and this is key, felt love from Chris. Once I recognized it, I realized I had never been given it until then.

Of course, I conceived of Verity in the midst of our early reconciliation, and the news was shocking, to say the least. Some days were so dark that I actually called an abortion clinic to find out the cost. If you know me, that’s about the deepest darkest confession I could lay out there, but there it is. I felt nothing but the desire to NOT be pregnant for a long time. I cried through my early midwife appointments, began counseling for prenatal emotional health, and slowly began to bond and accept the idea of this new baby.

From the moment I saw Verity on the sonogram and gave her a name, I was in love. I didn’t regret my state after that, despite the unlikely and inconvenient timing of her arrival. I still felt insecure and ashamed when my baby bump began to grow, wondering if people thought I was only staying married because I was knocked up which was the furthest thing from the truth. But I came to terms with it. I moved through the last year one day at a time. Chris “celebrated” 1 year sober last June, one year since he did the wrong thing with his pain. He’s been in meetings and counseling all year, and recently began individual therapy to work on his “daddy issues”. We strive to work on our marriage daily, despite the distractions of bills, work, children, so on and so forth. Nowadays, our marriage looks and feels, well … normal. We have arguments, but we try to be respectful and focus on working at the problem together, rather than against each other. We spend time together, enjoy each others company, smooch when we pass each other in the kitchen, cuddle at night (among other things ), talk about our feelings, and apologize when we fail.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned this year, besides a ton about myself and a ton about communicating better and ton about how far I have to go, is that granting some one forgiveness doesn’t let them off the hook. It doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It doesn’t even mean I’m not angry. It’s not even very much ABOUT the offender or the offense, but rather the choice, when ready, to let it go in my own heart – to begin to heal.

And even if, in the long run, my marriage doesn’t make it through this, I know that I will. For all these lessons and more, I am grateful – to Chris, my community of support, my counselors, my family, my children, and of course, my Jesus.

I saw this post’s title on a job ad recently, and while I have enough sense to know that such a job would most likely be a scam, I still felt myself abrupt with an outloud, “YES!” to answer the question.

Tired. Tired of running uphill. Tired of rent, tired of excess, tired of barely making ends meet. TIRED.

It’s been six month’s since we began this community house, and its been a good process for us. But what I’m finding myself conclude lately is that IT DOESN’T END HERE. The simplifying, the community digging/relationship building, the sustainable lifestyle – we want MORE of it.

We’ve made some 5 year goals that include selling everything and living out of an RV until we have saved enough to pay off what’s left of our debt after bankruptcy, followed by the dream of buying a small plot of land and building some sort of amazing, sustainable “tiny house” on it and continuing to raise healthy, beautiful children within a community of love, love, love.

We dream of the day that we get more personal mail from loved ones than bills from collectors; When we have more potluck meals with our community than peanut butter sandwiches in separate rooms. I hear all the time people talk about the need for space, like it’s a scientific fact. I think we Americans value our space TOO much. The majority of the world lives with their family all their lives, in smaller bedrooms or no bedrooms at all. We don’t need MORE space – we need LESS space. We need to be MORE tolerant, MORE flexible, MORE selfless. We need to be more FREE of the trappings of modern life in order to be FREE to “give freely and fully to anyone who has need”.

With our goals set, the sky is currently the limit with regards to what we need to do to GET there: living in ANYthing (RV? Mobile home? Community home? Commune? In-laws? YES!), living ANYwhere (”vhaaat?! does this mean she is willing to leave PORTLAND?!!?!?!?!” YES!), that affords us the opportunity to save our money, love each other, and grant us the mental/spiritual/emotional/physical freedom to dream of what is next.

While I await the road signs of what comes next, I dream of a life of backyard pleasures, fruit trees, family meals around a fireplace, endless great books, linens drying in the sun, a family bed and a rocking chair; I also dream of friends who have become family and family who have become friends.

Sleep tight. Dream big.

(And let me know if you have a similar dream- maybe we can join efforts!)