{{Before I go on, let me take a moment to apologize for the wordy length of this post. Sorry. Also, you will be rewarded with pictures at the end. But don’t skip ahead just because I told you that, because the content explains the pictures. (gotcha!) }}

I began reading some really excellent financial books that have given me some valuable ideas and resources, but most importantly the validation that living a life of frugality is indeed a freeing and valid choice (however un-American it feels at first!). The topic is exhaustive so I won’t go into all the details, but some resources for me have been primarily Radical Homemakers (my go-to!), Your Money or Your Life, and recently The Scavenger’s Manifesto, Made from Scratch and the Tightwad Gazette (check these out at your library!). There is so much about it that fascinates me as a subject matter and lifestyle choice, as it takes a certain amount of confidence to transcend the idea that voluntary simplicity (and foraging/scavenging/bartering/waiting/and often going without) is a deprived, resource-less, bohemian (though this word might actually be appropriate) life of poverty (or worse – laziness).

I can acutely feel the pressure, on many fronts, to just forget this whole business of living simply and just get a job job, put Ethan in public school, and force myself onto that hamster wheel because what I’m faced with if I do not do so seems too exhausting, lonely, challenging, and doomed-from-the-start. But I have never been one to unquestionably accept the status quot solution without at least researching and utilizing some alternatives that don’t compromise my heart’s values and desires.

To view the lifestyle instead as a challenge in resourcefulness and ingenuity and invention (the daughter of necessity?), a call to radically reject the consumer cycle (as the Scavenger Manifesto calls it, the “Want-Get” mentality) of materialism and waste and the myth of “choices”, and to capitalize on the lack of excess as a catalyst for gaining increased self-sufficiency and experience.

It’s been heavy at times, as I sit with the reality of compulsive choices I have made, the “treats” I wanted to “deserve” over the years and the financial pressures we have incurred both from our own choices or those of the “down economy”. While I have never had what I would have called affluence, often forgoing large things like extra vehicles or a house with more space than I need or vacations or store-bought clothes, I had to recognize that we had made choices with where what little money we had fell between the cracks (where did it go?!) on silly things like convenience food (i.e. “oh, we are going to the library, we’ll stop and grab bagels first”), expensive cheeses (next I need to learn how to be a foodie on a budget!), library fines, shipping fees, so on.

Our plan to move to Columbia and for Chris to take this flexible, enjoyable, sustainably-minded, locally-owned job was a calculated risk and I am in no way making it work without flaws just 4 weeks into this venture… *yet*. For our entire marriage I have worked (I’ve held a job since I was 14, for that matter), I financed over 90% of my private-education undergrad degree with grants/scholarships and work credits, and since having children I have been the main earner generating income from my own at-home business. Yet, for a variety of reasons I have shared in the past on this blog, we have been taking steps to switch these roles for sometime now, as continuing down that path left me stressed, strapped, unorganized, unhappy, and unable to homeschool. So I knew there would be sacrifices, but the idea that I could creatively figure this out was incredibly motivating for me and continues to be as I think of new ways to live and think about the choices we can make to realize this “dream” of living simply, learning more, feeling more enriched and fulfilled by a life of time and resources to live generously — while making as a household income less than we have EVER earned before, even while in college.

So rather than recount the unexpected bills and financial upsets to our last 4 weeks (though there have indeed been those too!), I want to move on to the fun stuff, the things that I am finding just slap-knee exciting about learning to be a tight-wad!

First of all, I think being frugal is a lot easier if you live amongst other frugals; in community with swappers, food growers, barterers, pickers, foragers, forgoers, and coupon-clippers. It kinda validates the lifestyle, which is definitely counter-cultural otherwise. I think these folks exist just about everywhere, you just gotta find them — and be willing to be their equal.

Secondly, there are a lot of hidden perks to being frugal that, if you can let go of the concept of “Want-Get” mentality, are pretty rad. Clothing swaps with stylishly-dressed donators are fun and easy. Garage sales and “free bins” amaze me. Bartering goods and services is highly effective. Learning a new skill so you don’t have to pay some one to do it for you is way more satisfying. Paying only a quarter of your previous monthly vehicle gasoline budget when every one on the news is lamenting the climbing gas prices is reassuring. Having even just a few bucks left over at the end of the week, rather than going into more debt, is rewarding. Learning to wait for something you would have just ran out to get as soon as you “needed” it, like a washer/bike/freezer/radio/whatever until you have saved for it and found the right deal (hopefully free!) fosters a feeling of contentment and relaxation, a mindfulness about accumulating goods. Keeping track of receipts, organizing bills, and forgoing “treats” is, well, it’s growing up, (and it also reducing a BUTTLOAD of anxiety at the end of a pay cycle! who knew? )

I will be posting again a weekly series I call Simple Pleasures – a record of things that were bartered, gifted, thrifted, made, grown, saved for, or given away that brought pleasure to my life each week:

Things like…

A family walk to the public library (which boasts NO limits and NO late fees!), where we forage for edible dandelions and violets, sight a groundhog, and work off belly fat – who needs a gym membership when you have legs?!). Our ten dollar weekly budget that gets us 2 gallons of raw milk and 2 pints of raw cream (homemade cream cheese!) every Monday on our neighbor’s doorstep. The bags FULL of amazing books, music and documentaries we bring back from the library. The free use of internet around town. The free movies we rent for family movie night at 9th Street Video because Chris works at Uprise. The free (local) coffee both Chris and I get from Uprise while renting the free movies at 9th street, on our way to getting the free books from the library. The knitted gifts to trade for babysitting. The free movie tickets on our date night and the $5 (total) we spent for the organic wine and beer we enjoyed while watching the movie. The outings of packed lunches at the park and nature trails just outside the city. The Easter baskets filled with sprouted wheat grass (seeds a gift from a friend) and sales on the organic bulk bin candy which filled saved egg shells from breakfast. The downright gourmet meals that can be made with a friends’ surplus garden grub and bulk natural foods from Azure Standard. The upcoming “Columbia’s Really Really Free Market” and the free backyard chicken processing workshop I will attend in the coming weeks (bringing home the bird for dinner!). The fishing I will take up this summer to catch a good supply of trout and the harvest I will reap and keep from my garden beds, whose compost was generously gifted to us in exchange for a half dozen of our chicken eggs and the tomato and pepper starts donated to us from the local urban farms surplus, (thank you Luke!)

… you get the idea. SIMPLE pleasures that offset some of the difficulties we have faced, and brought meaning and blessing to my life in often surprising ways.

It’s really quite fun to get even crazier!

This little home economics notebook from 1917 that I found at a thrift store was really inspiring. I’m fascinated with homemakers of the bygone era, who made due with as little as 1,200 yearly salary. Had to take a picture (but not buy! lol)

A virtually free (did have to spend a little money on the sweets), hand-made Easter tradition…

Easter brunch of whatever is on hand – quail eggs (a gift from sweet friend Natalie), fruit, plain yogurt with raw honey…

A simple park outing can be entertaining, fun, and even a bit of a break… at no cost at all!

Who needs a mall playground (without actually intending it, we haven’t stepped foot in a shopping mall in over 2 years and counting!) when you have nature trails, dandelions to blow, rocks to throw in a creek, and bridges to run across?!

I typically walk out of the library with armloads of books, as there are no limits, no late fees, and a great selection. This week’s focus was homeschooling resources…

Free meals during his shift, Chris enjoys free freshly made artisan sandwiches with locally raised meat sources, along with a glass of organic beer, 5-6 times per week. I have been impressed with how this has reduced the amount of groceries we go through each week! (gosh, his job sure sounds terrible, doesn’t it? )

Family dance jams are a nice way to pass the time…

Foraged edibles from the front yard – violets, dandelion flowers and leaves – beautiful, free nourishment

Diggin in dirt rarely gets old… finding worms, black beetles, grubs and cicada’s is just too fun!

“new” used books from the library used book sale

Tire swings from the tires just replaced on the car – endless hours of entertainment (I’ve lovingly nicknamed this swing Jenna the Babysitter)

This old suitcase ($1) and milk glass saucer (.25) from the end of a garage sale now serves as my undergarment storage and homemade salad dressing dispenser (respectively)

Big pile of great Spring sweaters (free from a clothing swap)

$1 garage sale vintage lamp base that just whispers my name…

Doll clothes found in a “free” basket!

A frugal “pantry” of bulk foods, collected eggs, and home brews…

A vintage typewriter for my prose (free in exchange for me learning to tinker with it and get a new ribbon)

For those of you who are yet to be informed, I’ll try to backtrack quickly and sum things up: back in January we took a trip up there at the leading of some sweet friends whose family we know from church here in Fayetteville. A fun, flexible full-time job for Chris opened up in the coming weeks at a bakery downtown that focuses on sustainable and local ingredients. We went back up a couple of weeks ago to look for rentals and found an older, small (750 sq ft I believe), 2/1 house (but to be fair, also has a basement, shed, fenced backyard, and hardwood floors) in our price range (to my knowledge, the lowest rent I have ever lived in, even as a child), located just over 2 miles from his work (so he can bike most days and I can have the car for me and the kids again, woo hoo!), just under 2 miles from the main library and the waldorf preschool, and 2 blocks from the farmer’s market. Oh, and we can have 6 urban backyard hens – enlarging our flock

So we are preparing not only via packing, cleaning etc, but also by going over some possible challenges and adjustments we’d like to take this opportunity to make.

For one thing, our current house this passed year is the first single family dwelling we’ve ever had (previously duplexes and co-housing were our residence), and it is also the most square feet we have ever lived in (a 3rd bedroom). It hasn’t been all that great, to be honest. It’s a lot to clean and most of it goes unused. I couldn’t help but feeling like, so long as I wasn’t needing the extra space for childcare income, it really wasn’t part of our “living simple” plan. The old Less is More, thing. I have, as you may know from reading this blog any amount of time, been attracted to the “tiny house” movement and peruse my copy of “Little House on a Small Planet” often dreaming of the day we can move into a yurt in the pacific NW or a derelict cottage in rural France SO – while one perspective might be that I’m moving into a drafty tiny house in mid-Missouri, I’m looking at the upside; a cozy space with less to clean and more in line with our values of living small and treading light on the planet. In addition, it meets our requirement for affordability, which allows us to find work that doesn’t compromise those values. (Aside: like the Radical Homemaker 4 tenets: community, family, social justice and ecology – any job outside the home must honor these, which is a lot of the reason we felt we should take the slight paycut for Chris to take a job at the bakery close to home, rather than his current job in AR which is 40 minutes away in a cubicle in the logistics industry.)

Okay, so we are all caught up now and I’ll try to get back to my point.

This transition is in some ways another phase of our journey towards sustainable, simple, intentional living, and with that step we are considering our lifestyle choices, and how we use our time and money is one of the main concerns. With a small single-earner income, no health insurance, all credit cards closed (our plastic-free 3 year anniversary is almost here!), every little bit counts.

One decision we’ve made is to not have internet when we move. Our average bill for highspeed internet is currently around $70 a month, which will be about 6% of our spendable income. Since I currently plan to not work from home any substantial part of my day, we no longer NEED high speed internet for my business, and the only thing we do use it for beyond that is watching shows on Hulu after the kids go to bed, or streaming movies on Netflix (we don’t have cable). Basically, for entertainment, mixed with a little educational documentaries here and there, (as well as my favorite internet uses: browsing recipe sites, blogs I like, and checking my email and facebook, all of which I can do quickly with routine visits through wifi cafes or the library with my i-touch).

I must admit, I’m not sure how it will work (!). I won’t see the finale of the few shows I watch until they are available next season to rent on Netflix (I know, I know, boo hoo – but ya know, its an adjustment!) And if I have a sick day, snow day, rainy day, etc in which movies becomes my only aid in entertaining the kids, we won’t have the internet (which we currently hook up to via HDMI to our tv as a second monitor) at our fingertips. Hmmm… am I talking myself out of this? lol

No. I know it will be good for us, and what’s more, we are reallocating a portion of that money towards something more valuable – a family membership to the ARC (columbia’s recreation and activity center) that is conveniently located 2 blocks from our house. With the remaining 20 bucks we’ll put towards an outing once a month (like the Missouri Botanical Gardens, zoo, museums, etc).

I know this will be a challenge for our family, and we are not big TV viewers as it is, but having it for a few hours a week is one of the few “luxuries” we can afford and I’m wondering how we will adjust to being without it, particularly Ethan who is majorly into on-screen entertainment and games.

But as I was saying, we’ll have the ARC – the classes and indoor track and pool will be great escapes that are much healthier for us than a few hours of tv a week! Next, I’m sure we’ll get even more into our weekly library visit where we haul 50 or so books out at each trip. And finally, I think we’ll have more time to spend in our hobbies and crafts, gardening, reading, as well as keeping up with chores. When I think about the money AND time we will be saving, I admit I get pretty excited!

And this brings me to some broader reflections I’ve had of late. One of the things about trying to live more simply that I’ve enjoyed over the last, oh, 4 years or so, is the challenge of my personal comforts and the sense of accomplishment over realizing I can do without things I once couldn’t have imagined. Choosing to be without a car (when we have access to PDX mass transit), or sharing 1 (living in a small city as we do now), or learning to cook from scratch, or figuring out how to allocate money from eating out/entertainment towards whole foods and self-made fun, or learn skills we would have needed other people to do for us in the past. We’ve had to get creative with buying from furniture, clothes, and decor from thrift stores and craigslist so we could avoid cheap products at the cost of unethical labor at Big Box stores. I’ve taken on coordinating the local natural food bulk buying drop so I would have access to warehouse direct prices on “real food”. I have been more committed to the tenets of attached parenting and home learning because I have to take a closer look at why I feel like “giving up” when things get tough and increasing my knowledge and network so I don’t burn out.

But briefly, in the interest of full disclosure and lest I mislead with some ideological and euphoric description of what I have experienced thus far: sometimes this journey SUCKS. Somethings work and somethings don’t, and working through the stress of being financially strapped (not always by choice! -and losing a job/clients is never fun, btw) or the piles of wet clothes in the living room or the whiny kids on a rainy day with no escape from the house, or missing out on things I would have liked to do because of no vehicle, or worrying about how to the funds to get my kid’s cavity filled – oh yeah, its not always “simple” and definitely not always a breezy summer day of homemade bread and sippin tea!

But somethings are simple, and more importantly, everything is meaningful. I’m learning a lot, I feel more equipped, and I am looking forward to the next phase… the unplugged (internet-less) tiny house in Columbia

These last few weeks I’ve been trying to reduce my intake of grains, and have noticed that I may actually be very gluten-sensitive, but this has only been since a stomach bug I had in January so I believe my gut has been left depleted and wacky. In the meantime, I am enjoying eating and cooking nourishing foods, and this morning as a birthday treat I made myself (and indirectly, my family) some gluten-free cream cheese coffee cake. It’s divine, especially with a little extra maple syrup on the top

I am feeling like celebrating today, despite any concerns or inconveniences that are inevitably part of life on this rock. My husband, darling man that he is, brought me home the most delightful assortment of houseplants for my birthday, from nearby Brick Street Botanicals, a natural florist/nursery in downtown Rogers. I especially love the driftwood and old fruit crate used as planters – how lovely!

My sweet toothy-grinned child woke up before me this morning and made me THREE cards and several drawings, excited to show me what he made for me for my birthday. Here is one, where he is phonetically spelling out Happy Birthday and drew me a little cake with candles I also heard him trying to get Verity to practice saying “Happy Birthday, Mama” – it just brings tears to my eyes to be so loved by such beautiful creatures.

Tonight I’m planning a fun gluten-free dinner: coconut baked shrimp, baked potatoes, and glazed carrots. Afterwards, I’m crossing my fingers that I can pull off this amazing looking Deep Dark Chocolate Tart (gluten, dairy, and refined sugar free!) for my birthday cake. (Every one needs something baked and chocolate for their birthday, I don’t care how old you are!)

I was tickled to find so many birthday wishes when I woke up and checked my email and facebook. What a life to have lived only 27 years and have so many dear friends, family, and acquaintances. I am so truly blessed.

One message this morning was so sweet and thoughtful. My beautiful friend from middle/high school wrote me and included some snippets from a book I had made her of birthday quotes for her birthday – must have been around 14(?). Some were original quotes from me, which really made me grin at my younger self:

“Doing God’s Will is like being employed for a job you love with lots of benefits.” – Vivian Rose Melody
“Love until the day you die and you will never really die.” – vrm

Ha! Too cute.

So tomorrow, very very early, we are heading back up to Columbia, MO. Have a few things to scope out and will tell you more about that as things pan out. In the meantime, I wish you all a day worth celebrating

We read “The Big Snow ” and placed some seeds, blueberries, and puffed rice cereal outside for the birds, hoping the snow would let up long enough for them to find it before it too was enveloped in this white blanket. We have plans to make some coconut snowball cupcakes later and read more favorite snow books: “The Story of the Snow Children” and “Snowy Day“.

Sooooo white and fluffy – I have never seen anything like this. The perfect condition for a day of snow and more snow – this Florida-raised gal is impressed.

We just finished devouring some empanadas and I thought I should take this opportunity to tell you about them. Puerto Rican empanadas are a meat filled pastry of tasty goodness. In a pinch last month, Chris needed to bring a hispanic dish to a work party and we had to use what we had on hand. I decided to try my hand at these little half-moons of flavor, using this recipe as a guide. We took a bite. We swooned. Oh yeah, this is it. Chris declares it his favorite home-made meal to date, 9 years into our relationship. I promise to make Empanada night a staple, for my sweetheart and very bestest friend.

Come on, you know you want one:

I use local pasture raised ground beef, organic ingredients where applicable, and I don’t skimp on the seasoning. I use extra cilantro and tomato sauce, and throw some Adobe seasoning in as well. Also, I toss in a finely diced fresh jalapeno.

Rolling out the dough, folding over and pricking with a fork is becoming a rhythmic therapy, linking me in some small way to all the strong homemakers who have come before…

We do fry these, because the hubster wants authentic PR cuisine, but I believe a healthier version could be achieved from baking these little pies with a basting of extra virgin olive oil, too

The result is a hot pocket made for divinity.

Enjoy with a jug glass of rum, cranberry-blueberry juice, and you guess it – more cilantro! My original recipe

Where ever you are, whatever your weather, keep that kitchen rockin’!

I apologize again that the only time I seem to have something to share right now is something I am reading. Know that it directly correlates to things happening in my life, so in a read-between-the-lines-way, I am in fact letting you know how I am See, doesn’t that make you feel better?

In truth, things are going much better this week. Husband is back in recovery and thus we are living together again; with plenty of sweet moments of reconciliation as well as difficult ones of refinement, of course. I thank God for it all and hope I can maintain and build on the eagerness with which I sought His comfort and wisdom during this difficult past month or so.

And speaking of marriage, and parenthood, and all that great stuff, I thought my Merton reading today was quite spot on:

“… marriage too is a vocation… Most men and women will become saints in the married state… [Married people] have a wonderful vocation, all the more wonderful because of its relative freedom and lack of formality. For the “society” which is the family lives beautifully by its own spontaneous inner laws. It has no need of codified rule and custom. Love is its rule, and all its customs are the living expression of deep and sincere affection.

…Married people, then, instead of lamenting their supposed “lack of vocation,” should highly value the vocation they have actually received. They should thank God for the fact that this vocation, with all its responsibilities and hardships, is a safe and sure way to become holy without being warped or shriveled up by pious conventionalism. The married man or mother of a Christian family, if they are faithful to their obligations, will fulfill a mission that is as great as it is consoling: that of bringing into the world and forming young souls capable of happiness and love… Raising children in difficult social circumstances, they will enter perhaps more deeply into the mystery of Divine Providence than other who, by their vow of poverty [i.e. becoming a monk or a vocation of celibacy], ought ideally to be more directly dependent on God than they, but who in fact are never made to feel the anguish of insecurity.

… In marriage, God’s love is made known and shared under the sacramentalized veils of human affection. The vocation to marriage is a vocation of supernatural union which sacrifices and propagates human life… All that is human and instinctive, all that is best in man’s natural affections …becomes a sign of divine love and an occasion of divine grace.” – Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

…

Living is the constant adjustment of thought to life and life to thought in such a way that we are always growing, always experiencing new things in the old and old things in the new. Thus life is always new.

…

The phrase self-conquest can come to sound odious because very often it can mean not the conquest of ourselves but a conquest by ourselves. A victory we have won by our own power. Over what? Precisely over what is other than ourself.

Real self-conquest is the conquest of ourselves not by ourselves but by the Holy Spirit. Self-conquest is really self-surrender.

Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess.

More precisely — we have to have enough mastery of ourselves to renounce our own will into the hands of Christ — so that He may conquer what we cannot reach by our own efforts.

In order to gain possession of ourselves, we have to have some confidence, some hope of victory. And in order to keep that hope alive we must usually have some taste of victory. We must know what victory is and like it better than defeat.

…

A false humility should not rob us of the pleasure of conquest which is due to us and necessary for our spiritual life, especially in the beginning.

It is true that later on we may be left with faults we cannot conquer — in order that we may have the humility to fight against a seemingly unbeatable opponent, without any of the satisfaction of victory.

… In the beginning, the pleasure of self-conquest is necessary. Let us not be afraid to desire it.”

-Thoughts on Solitude, Thomas Merton

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

-Selah

I need prayer as I navigate letting go of a person (namely, a husband), a home, a dream, a life. As I take on a more prominent role in the lives of my children who need a loving, patient, stable mother now more than ever. I and the kids are currently living with family in the area and doing our best to feel out each day as it arrives. Always hopeful for a miracle but also trying to accept and be grateful for what IS, even when what IS feels like tragedy. So much has happened in the last week, (even month), so much that has lead me to today and each day, holding my head above water by the grace of God. Some of it remains confusing, but most of it makes perfect sense with every passing day of clarity and the sobering reality of what disease does to a person.

And I have felt the support this week, I really have. Even as I mourn what might be lost and come into the reality of my situation in difficult, even cruel ways, I am reminded at every turn that to live and love means to hold my life loosely, to take on risk, and eventually to forge ahead into the hope of a future.

I do have hope, but I hope in a very general sense right now. Mainly because I have experienced, just two years ago, a total hopelessness that was proven wrong by what only surrendering to God has the power to do. Love is a miraculous thing and for any glimpses of His love here on earth, I am so grateful.

I am so grateful for the love of my friends and family. For my child who hugged me tightly tonight and told me I was the sweetest and bestest mother he ever saw (despite how very often I fail him).

I breathe in and breathe out gratitude and it seems to keep the anxious knot in my tummy a little more pliable. I feel stronger this time and more understanding of what has happened. I can walk out on to the porch in the crispy morning, after a good hard rain and thunder storm last night, raise my hands high to the Heavens and say, “OKAY. I’ll be okay.”

I’m talking about finding stability in the midst of seeming turmoil. Of realizing you have a deep fear that needs to be addressed and purged, a fear you would have not realized was such an underlying driving force in your life had your situation remained honkey dory.

(Did I just say honkey dory? You bet ya )

So I hear Fall is the seasonal representation of letting go, of asking yourself what things you are holding on to. I’ve stumbled upon a blog about transitions and have been getting such nuggets of wisdom:

“From a spiritual perspective, every transition is an opportunity for growth. As we learn how to let go into ‘groundlessness’, we move into a more effortless alignment with life. Life is ever-changing, and when we approach transitions consciously and with the intention of growth, we eventually learn how to accept this truth with grace.

This is not an easy task. Transitions require no less than the willingness to die, to sit in the uncomfortable void, and to be reborn. Who would willingly embrace this task? For some of us, we have no choice. Transitions seem to pull us into the underworld and create such fear, pain, confusion, and disorientation that we must seek help. While in the throes of this challenge, this may seem unfair, and we may be plagued with questions…

Yet when we finally emerge from the pain, we see that the struggle was well worth it. For to enter into the death-void-rebirth cycle is to embark on the heroine’s journey. And when the heroine returns from her voyage, she carries the boons—or jewels—of her travels. One of the great boons is that she knows, at a deeper layer of consciousness, that there can be no light without entering the darkness, and that with each descent into her darkness, the light shines ever more brightly. She knows that next time she is pulled into the darkness—which most likely will occur in the midst of her next major transition—she will be able to navigate the journey with grace. She trusts that, even as she cries and rages, she is exactly where she needs to be. She realizes that she is developing a capacity to die and be reborn and she recognizes that there is no greater spiritual task on earth.” – beautifully written by Sheryl at Conscious Transitions

I cling to such a deeper hope these days that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, in the midst of a stormy sea of fear and confusion and pain. Weaker moments come and go, moments of despair that will surely continue to show themselves for the rest of my life. But I’m learning a lot and part of my dread is turning into excitement about the challenge of removing unnecessary things I’ve held on to, of finding a deeper freedom and faith. Of learning about truly unselfish love, hope, mercy, and about my true self that I keep reading about from Thomas Merton (and bare with me as I share ):

“If we love one another truly, our love will be graced with a clear-sighted prudence which sees and respects the designs of God upon each separate soul. Our love for one another must be rooted in a deep devotion to Divine Providence, a devotion that abandons our own limited plans into the hands of God…

a selfish love seldom respects the rights of the beloved to be an autonomous person. Far from respecting the true being of another and granting his personality room to grow and expand in its own original way, this love seeks to keep him in subjection to ourselves… Such love fears nothing more than the escape of the beloved… A love, therefore, that is selfless, that honestly seeks the truth, does not make unlimited concessions to the beloved…

Hope deprives us of everything that is not God, in order that all things may serve their true purpose as means to bring us to God. Hope is proportionate to detachment. It brings our souls into the state of the most perfect detachment. In doing so, it restores all values by setting them in their right order. Hope empties our hands in order that we may work with them. It shows us that we have something to work for, and teaches us how to work for it.

…All desires but one can fail. The only desire that is infallibly fulfilled is the desire to be loved by God.

…Only the man who has had to face despair is really convinced that he needs mercy. Those who do not want mercy never seek it. It is better to find God on the threshold of despair than to risk our lives in a complacency that has never felt the need of forgiveness. A life without problems may literally be more hopeless than one that always verges on despair.

So thank You for despair, transition and letting go. May they be gentle teachers – I have much to learn.

We live in an unnatural environment, a world in which we were not designed to live. We were meant to enjoy a garden without weeds, relationships without friction, fellowship without distance. But something is wrong, and we know it, both within our world and within ourselves. Deep inside we sense we’re out of the nest, always ending the day in a motel room, never home. When we’re honest, we can see we handle our discomfort by keeping our distance from people, responding more to our fears than to another’s desire for love.

We wish we were better than we are, but we’re not.
…

Perhaps the majority of people who report pleasant feelings with only occasional struggles are … rearranging furniture in the motel room, hoping it will feel like home. When we succeed at arranging our life so that “all is well,” we keep ourselves from facing all that’s going on inside. And when we ignore what’s going on inside, we lose all power to change what we do on the outside in any meaningful way.

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Dogmatism, a demand that we indoctrinate others with our understanding of what is moral, replaces an openness to investigating what God might really want from us.

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Comforting thoughts about God’s faithfulness can keep us living on the surface of life, safely removed from a level of pain and confusion that seems overwhelming. But God is most fully known in the midst of confusing reality. To avoid asking the tough questions and facing the hard issues is to miss a transforming encounter with God.

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Life is just too confusing, relationships too difficult, experiences too disappointing, and responsibilities too burdensome for people to easily pretend that the keys to effect living are just doing their duty and denying all that troubles them.

Parents are finding little help in all the popular formulas and principles as they try to deal with their daughter… They no longer feel confident as they do all they know to do.

Men sense their weakness and wish with all their hearts that they knew how to be meaningfully involved with their families. But their efforts to lovingly lead end up in failure. They then retreat to whatever sphere of life offers them a sense of competence, and live without the rich joy of being involved husbands and fathers.

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We want more, and are therefore vulnerable to following anyone who convincingly holds out the promise of more. We try the latest spiritual fad… and we always come up short. Nothing satisfies, nothing works. In our heart, we know that our latest effort to follow Christ has left issues in our soul unaddressed.

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Observing habits of self-discipline, orderliness, and general cordiality [bring to mind words like] effective, respectable, and nice. When I look at his life I think, “I should be more disciplined.” I feel a bit pressured, somewhat guilty, and occasionally motivated. The effect of my [struggling friend who responds to terribly disappointing struggle in his life by loving others more deeply], on the other hand, is not to make me say, “I should be more disciplined” but ” I want to be more loving”.

The difference is enormous. Some people push me to DO better by trying harder. Others draw me to BE better by enticing me with an indefinable quality about their lives that seems to grow out of an unusual relationship with Christ, one that really means something, one that goes beyond correct doctrine and appropriate dedication to personally felt reality. The few who report occasional glimpses of Christ that touch their souls more deeply than any other experience of life are the ones who entice me with the possibility of change.

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An inside look [at our heart] must anticipate uncovering deep, unsatisfied longings that bear testimony to our dignity, as well as foolish and ineffective strategies for keeping ourselves out of pain that reflect our depravity. Each of us is a glorious ruin. And the further we look into our heart, the more clearly we can see the wonder of our ability to enjoy relationship alongside the tragedy of our determination to arrange for our own protection from hurt.”

- (from Inside Out, Dr. Larry Crabb)