Had I known how 2010 would start out, I might have spent a little more time enjoying the “boring” aspects of our holidays.

Wow. Yeah. So…

I’ve been keeping some secrets from my blog readers at large, and for now, I still have to keep them! But I can share a little, and must, or I will begin to outgrow this humble little blog and be too far into another world to catch you guys up!

The last 3 weeks have been cra-HAZ-ee. A mixture of some of the most unexpected events to ever come our way, which truly spanned the spectrum of miracles and tragedies. We continue to “process” them all and hold so many in our hearts as we tredge on with life.

This week we finally zero’d in on some decisions about what our future holds and we felt strongly that us Ortecho’s had better get a move on. We have the opportunity to relocate right now; a window of time where Chris can look for work while we find more affordable housing elsewhere in the country that would also be more centrally located to loved ones (though we now have so many loved ones in Portland… *tear*).

A combination of events, circumstances, answered and unanswered prayers lead us to our first (and maybe only) stop along this next part of our journey: Fayetteville, AR.

When we first disclosed the news that we were moving to Arkansas, we got a lot of the same question we did when we picked Portland: “What’s in [insert location of your choice]???” with vague disdain and certain confusion

I think most of the people who know and love us well have come to see us as some brand of pioneers or globe trekkers at this latest surprising locale. Ah, but be that as it may, our hearts actually yearn to find “home” and settle down, and we wouldn’t be taking this step without some Hope that Fayetteville will fit the bill.

Our one-way tickets are booked for February 18th, (so soon!), and we began sorting through our clothing today (ah, the unhappy process of MOVING). I truly feel we are clinging to more than just our ideologies, more so to our FAITH in our loving Guidance and our new found sense of purpose and vision for our family unit. We trust that the light we have received for this next step is just enough to see us through. Sometimes the path we are on as a family creates in my mind’s eye an image of a trail in the darkness, complete with eery noises in the fog of a moonless night. But this latest stretch? It feels a little more like the dawning of a new day. It is the first crack of sunlight, chilly and quiet, when you spot the wildlife that comes out to graze and suck up the dew on long, unkept blades of grass.

Alright, alright, I’m at it again – getting way to allegorical

Deep breathes, simple prayers, belly laughs and cries of surrender seem to capture the mood of this stage. As we each adjust to another transition, we try to keep our sanity and sense of inner stillness.

And after all, what are we as humans if not explorers? Willing to go deeper, farther – within, without? Our family conversations these last few weeks are focused on the adventure that awaits us. Chris and I are excited to find new coffee shops, libraries, thai food, counselors, and of course, community. We are also wondering what God has up His sleeve with the close proximity this location puts us to my maternal family (who I was not raised around)! As for Ethan, he is excited to try out the caves and slip in bat poop (one of my memories when I visited Devil’s Den at age 7!) but when I told him about hiking around things called ticks and chiggers he declared: “I will NEVER go walking in the forest. EVER.”

So I may be more or less “around” these next few weeks as we attempt to get our “stuff” into a rubix cube of material things that can squeeze into a single storage pod for shipping. My heart is bursting with news and surprises and insights that are happening to me every day – but for now, I’ll hold them in and wait until the right time.

Until next time…

Oh and P.S.: I’m sporting dreads these days. No, really. Pictures coming as soon as I don’t look like a gnarly rufkin raised by wolves

When I give a whistle, here me shout!

Phew, does any one else feel like the compression in their brain is reaching the “red” territory and sirens are going off with weird “Lost” voice WARNING alarms??? Or — is that just me?

For now, I don’t know how to catch up this blog and it’s readers because I am still not at liberty to reveal the details of the journey I am on. In fact, I won’t be “in the clear” to do so for several months! Kinda agonizing for me to not get this out there for processing, actually — but I’m trying to see it as a lessons in keeping some things private

Suffice it to say, we have lots of decisions to make. I am having to learn all kinds of stuff right now, like a crash course in the grown-up-world (which I have in many ways been too stuck on “survive” to take part in for many years!) Arg, again, I would like to say more about that but trust me, the time will come.

I can feel myself being propelled forward by necessity and desire, yet at the same time that Still Small Voice and many wise friends/family remind me to take this slooooowwwwwwww. I can’t even describe what mixture of feelings and thoughts run through me in the course of a single day lately. I am burdened for they heavy, heart-breaking circumstances happening in the lives of people I love right now. I am struggling to stay present in my own life, (work, homeschooling, marriage, cooking, laundry) while at the same time doing the very real and necessary steps of future planning. As a plan unfolds before me, I feel at first relieved that it is there and then quickly that relief is replaced by the uncertainty of still more unanswered details. (You can relate, heh, Maw Maw?!)

Staying present is SUCH a practice in surrender — and I for one SUCK. AT. IT. Choice is at once liberating and a weighty responsibility — which must make me sound like such a preteen, lol, but it’s true.

Will my family flow gracefully into this next chapter? What hiccups will interrupt our song? What fallen trees will litter our road? Can we “let go and let God”? Can we trust that He is holding on to our loved ones during a time when we are helpless to be of any practical service to them?

Oh, I am just not cut out for life on earth!

And now I am going to spout off words to let off mental steam (tip me over and pour me OUT!):

settling, creditors, SEP, liability, CD, HSA, taxes, jobs, unemployment extension, wagon, reliability, mileage, towing, u-haul, Upstate, budget, giving, saving, credit score, lease, waiting, goals, waldorfing, masters degree, FAFSA, 2 hour yoga class from which EVERYTHING HURTS, fermented, bulk buying clubs, homeschool group let downs, postpartum, mental health, new mexico, job loss, unusable ankle, recovery, counseling, identity, homesteading, solar powered, first time homebuyers programs, dreads, new city, new friends, new neighbors, new church, new farms, new home, new yard, new chickens, new beds, new life — old habits?, JESUS!, decisions, liver and egg yolks.

Brace yourself for a long post written by a lunatic who can’t sleep at 4:30 am.

I’ve been thinking this week about a particular conversation I had with some new sweet friends. They observed how odd it is to them that since moving to the Portland area they actually watch MORE TV, eat MORE fast food, and do more things out of convenience than they ever did in less progressive residences held previously. We talked about how in Portland, getting grass fed beef or raw milk from a local farmer isn’t such a novelty – in some circles its mainstream culture! Homeschooling, having all natural toys, example after example of how living in such a way is not special here, which challenges you, as a transplanted Portlander, to figure out what the real constructs of your value system is; do you do what you do because its trendy, because it sets you apart, etc — OR — do you do what you do because you value the earth and its inhabitants, you value nutrition and health, you value freedom and richness of educational options, so on?

In this conversation, some one remarked about how “living simply” is actually very complicated. You have to adjust to a whole new way of doing things. For us, living simply by having no car means we never have to worry when the Check Engine light is on. We never have to worry when we hear a funny sound. We don’t shell out $200 or more in gas and insurance each month. HOWEVER, living with no car is far from simple. Even in Portland.

To live without a car, for example, I must leave my house a full hour ahead of time to get to Ethan’s ice skating lessons. What would otherwise be a 10 minute drive, tops, becomes an Olympic endeavor to strap the baby on my back, brace the cold, often RUN out the door dragging Ethan along beside me to catch the MAX (only to, more often than not, barely miss it while waiting for the light to cross the street – thus being 15 minutes late despite my best efforts to leave an HOUR ahead of time.) Same thing goes for home school meetups, church on Sunday morning and other church functions through out the week. Outings, errands, and just plain ol’ shootin-the-breeze ventures will almost invariably FLOP without careful planning and purpose. Something like going all the way to Trader Joe’s for a more affordable load of groceries, but forgetting to get flea medicine for the cat at the pet store next door to Trader Joe’s is a tremendous oversight! You get all the way home and realize what you forgot to do and you might as well kiss your time goodbye because nothing is worth the 2 hour round trip again!

Or get this- going to the post office or finding a place to fax something. Oh my gosh. I can’t tell you how inconvenient it is along our common routes to do these things. A month ago I was set to fax a simple letter to my student loans lender in order to get my deferment processed, and you’d think in this day and age I could manage to get that accomplished in a MONTH but no, I haven’t. With two little kids, no vehicle, a job, homeschooling, and the bazillion things on my mind, finding a location to fax something has just not managed to stay in the forefront of my planning.

This is one reason that we are talking about owning a vehicle again, after 2+ years without. Also, the need we have for community while being so far from family is a pretty steep and crucial one — and the not having a car thing has been making it really difficult to participate in community. Hopping on the bike’s used to be a more viable option from our slightly closer-in locale, but a few miles out and an extra child and things get slightly more complicated – just enough to put that straw on the camels back. I feel like we’ve missed out on so much and have so few opportunities to get to know people in a church we’ve been going to for 2 years now. I can hardly ever make it to my favorite yoga studio, either, and I get free classes so – sheesh, what a bummer, right? I just can’t afford to lose the 2 hour bus ride round trip (when you have to take into account wait times) to a place that is less than 10 minutes away by car. But I digress…

There are other things, like eating organic and sustainable foods from local sources, that takes a large amount of intentionality despite that the efforts are in part fueled by the desire to live more simply. This week I took an hour or two comparing my organic produce buying options: this involved literally looking up the items on the produce bin that is delivered every 2 weeks to a cumbersome spreadsheet published by a distributor of large quantity/bulk produce from organic and NW growers, figuring out the unit price for each apple or pound of carrots, so I can effectively cost compare the options and make the right choice. When I order from Azure Standard or other food buying clubs, it takes time to figure out the savings involved in getting a 50 pound bag of rice verses a 5 pound bag of rice, deciding what we really need now and what we can wait on, yada yada yada. Like I said – these things can be complicated!

But what is interesting is that, of course, you do grow to see the extra hour it takes to get some where or the time spent planning bulk food buying as part of every day life. Some one from church a few weeks ago made the following comment to us: “I think about you guys sometimes and I always figure that for every 5 things I am doing each day, you guys can probably only get to like 2… which really makes me think about those extra 3 things my family does and whether or not we really need to do them!”

It’s true! We get a lot less done. lol No but really – sometimes getting to a place in life where things are simple and less dramatic takes concerted effort and — sometimes — blood, sweat and tears.

This aspect of my life lately has weighed on me as we discuss making some major changes. Not quite content with the way thing are going for us in Portland, this week we all but officially announced (that’s how sure we were) that we were moving to North Carolina as early as this Spring.

Yep, back up and read that again. We were practically CERTAIN we were leaving Portland. (And Chris is still sleeping – so he is still CERTAIN. But when he wakes up I’ll fill him in on the change of plans. )

Eventually relocating is still a possibility – actually it is pretty much inevitable. The combination of slightly pricier housing, lack of job market, and distance from family makes Portland a place that works for NOW, but not for EVER. Too bad too, because we love the city – its been a boot camp, a training ground, for so many lifestyle changes we wanted to make. It’s also been where we began recovery, started healing our marriage, had a baby, plugged into a home school group, so on and so forth. And if this week of research and planning has taught me anything, its that there ARE cities in the East that could suit us nicely. Carrboro, NC, for one.

However, our personal situation is, in some ways, quite unprepared to relocate. We have had something major to “do” for so long that staying put and dealing with everything that is catching up to us has been the very LAST thing we want to do. If we weren’t moving we were graduating or having a baby or something every year, something to press on, something to drive us forward to the next big crazy thing – sadly sometimes used as a nice distraction from the here and now.

The present is not something easy to sit in. Yoga reminds me of that. We set out with certain values and intentions and when the cast of characters and scenes becomes boring, tense, uncomfortable, frightening or disappointing, it is oh-so-tempting to place something before ourselves to reach for, to hope for, to work towards, to change things all up a bit.

(Briefly, this is also a theme of my homeschooling life right now. Reading about Steiner’s philosophies on the role of “inner work” – very good stuff and I’ll write more about that soon!)

My son is feeling the reprocussions of this not-so-pretty habit of mine. He asked me today to please stop changing things in his room and listed the various ways I have moved his furniture since we moved here nearly 10 months ago, lol. It’s true. The 10 x 10 room hardly gives me space enough to home school in and my discontent with supplying my child with a cramped basement room gives me cause to creatively unleash myself on its layout every few weeks. Poor kid!

As I continued to mull over this cross-country move, I finally just prayed for some direction. I laid in bed tonight and felt like the whole decision was confusing, not peaceful – not even very exciting. While coughing up a lung and unable to sleep, my restless mind churned the facets of our situation over and over until suddenly things began to get clear.

My roommate commented last night that for them, it is apparent that the two families are outgrowing the space. As much as I want to put a positive spin on everything regarding our community house (which I SO do that, constantly), I’d have to agree on some level. We set out to live amongst another family – to be in an intentional community. It pains me to realize how far we have strayed from those original goals – how we have kept to our corners, for no particular reason or starting point, exactly. I think the minute you replace “community” with “roommate” and see the home as simply a place to keep your privacy and split bills, it so easily becomes a situation where space feels limited and more and more of the home becomes “yours” or “theirs” instead of “ours”. Oh how I wanted this to be a place where my home schooling could thrive, where we broke bread together, where we all had a stocking on the fireplace and felt equally a part of something really special! I think for us, we really wanted something intimate and surrogate – something that had a lot of sharing of lives within the home, not just sharing the home. Maybe we can get back on track, if that is what both families want and need to do. Community living will always be something I want to embrace, regardless of the ideal space, ideal lifestyle similarities, etc etc. I guess if we all waited around for ideal, community would never really happen, would it?

This is yet one more great example of how this simple living thing is also very complicated and intentional! Community doesn’t just happen- it requires careful planning, lots of thought and prayer and talking and on and on. Real relationships must be nourished or else you turn around and the whole purpose has been lost. I know a few people going through divorces right now and I think the same thing. It takes a lot of work and time to cultivate the fertile soil on which a garden can flourish, (to make an analogy to gardening… hey, cut me some slack, I’ve been up since 4am!)

So here we are: where we never thought we would be. With the loss of Chris’ job we are forced to start filing bankruptcy while making plans for him to start school for his Masters. When I look at some of the facts of our situation, I feel pretty disheartened. Mainly because we tried to be diligent for so long – we always worked hard, we always paid our bills, somehow or another. It’s hard not to feel ashamed of how dismal things have become financially, but at the same time we are doing much better and more thoughtful and frugal things with our money than we ever have before. And while I don’t necessarily love this phase of our lives, one I might call “Recalibrating”, I do like the people we are, or at least who we are becoming. I like that our family loves each other, that we discourse about things that bother us rather than push them under the rug, that we band together when the going gets tough. Another wise friend told me a few weeks ago that these are the years we will likely be looking back on with much endearment in the future. How hard we struggled will be seen through rose colored glasses in light of the sweetness of all those good times we had while living on lentils

So here I am, over 2,000 words and 2 hours later (6am). The baby is up and growling. Chris is hitting the snooze on his alarm because he wants to get 5 more minutes of sleep. I suppose this is where the “in conclusion” part comes in… for those of you still reading!

In conclusion: I think we need to stay put. I think we need to deal with the bankruptcy, deal with the co-housing, deal with the vehicle, deal with the loneliness of not having as much of a community base. There are so many things to deal with – no more distractions. No more putting one foot in the next phase before we’ve completed the one we’re in.

The simple life we crave, one rich in quality time with each other and as few bills as possible, is – I am learning – not something we will come by in one new move, in one new house, in one new book, in one new baby, one new arrangement of a tiny bedroom, etc. We have to study produce spreadsheets, miss lots of buses, try out lots of living situations, deal with our debt, be content with smaller quarters, and face our giants squarely.

Deep breath. Now “publish”.

Homeschooling and I have had quite a year. We began strong, though somewhat unsure. Being new to homeschooling can feel a lot like arriving in a supermarket out of boredom… what to look at, what to buy, … not sure what I’m even doing here!

Then moving at 7 months pregnant and having Verity last Spring side-swiped our family routine quite a bit. So we took our “summer break” and started back up in July. Since I gravitate towards the unschooling philosophy/practice of homeschooling (which is, for me, essentially just real world learning as opposed to worksheets and stuff), it was easy to kinda just “go at it” and figure things out along the way. Yet this way of doing our day around “real world” learning only really happened when we were in the real world. The problem is that I work anywhere from 3-8 hours a day on my laptop, which doesn’t really lend itself to a natural learning environment for Ethan. It’s really hard!!! I think what is so hard about it is the actual switching off and on of different aspects of my brain and personality.

Like there’s supposed to be some “ON SWITCH” for creative, motherly, curious, playful, cooking, crafty, outdoorsy Vivian and another “ON SWITCH” for detail-oriented, techie, responsible, dependable, professional Vivian — yet I must confess that I am groping around in the dark basement for the circuit breaker box and CANNOT FIND IT! There are no switches; No easy way to go back and forth CONSTANTLY throughout my day.

Like other mother’s I battle the “mom brain”: I point at something and try to say “Put this over under the………….. thing…….ugh, you know……. um…….. the! ……. CHAIR! The chair! Can you put this under the chair?!”

This whole process of motherhood; the glaring limitations of knowledge, experience, intellect and energy, is exceedingly difficult when combined with the work-at-home-THANG. I’ll never candy coat it for ya- it’s damn hard!

But GOSH! I am so grateful. I am so grateful to be able to pay rent in a lovely house in metro Portland and afford to eat a large variety of incredible foods, all while being around my kids. The sheer fact that I can sleep in with Verity and nurse her all day – I will never take that for granted. And that I can find 30 minutes several times a day to go on a walk with Ethan or read books or whatever — that the vast majority of his rhythm and learning and life is being witnessed by his parents and not a stranger — MAN, I could (and do!) cry at the privilege of being home for these things.

I’m even MORE blessed that my husband is home with me! What a dynamic duo his presence here creates, as he does all the laundry and shares in diapers, dishes, and meals. I am so grateful for the help he gives me while I work, and so proud of him for his recent decision to go back to school to get an online masters degree while helping me at home.

In the meantime, I have been evaluating our days at home, analyzing (and sometimes agonizing!) over the precious and fleeting time we have — how to use it wisely, creatively and positively. It’s so hard to do this when I spend time on my laptop during the day. So hard that…

I’ve come to the conclusion that integrating my work life with my mother life all day long is not working for us, for now. I constantly feel that I am here — but not present. I spend too much time simply questioning my priorities and making the tough decision to figure out what to do next (that report waiting on me OR preparing lunch, painting with Ethan, going to the library…)

I know enough about myself to know that strict schedules and compartmentalizing my life don’t work either. So what is the happy balance? I don’t know. I know I just have to keep workin’ at it until something feels right. And maybe it will never feel PERFECT, but hopefully a little easier than this.

I want to try setting aside 2 days that are Chris’ days with Ethan, which means I can work all day. I plan to have these days be Tuesdays and Saturdays. Sundays will still be family day. But M, W, R and F will be for homeschooling during the day and working at night. That means I probably won’t even crack open the laptop during the day, because it always starts with 10 minutes and the next thing I know, 3 hours have gone by!

Because my personality leans towards sanguine and choleric, I tend to get very motivated and task oriented, yet easily diverted from one task to another and distracted with accomplishing something all the way to its end. I will walk into the bedroom to find a pair of scissors and the frame will catch my eye and I’ll decide it needs a new photo and then when I start looking at photos I decide I need to really scan these in and make back ups, and when I go to scan them in I decide I need to download better photo editing software, and then when I go online to search for the photo editing software I realize I need to … (this is a hypothetical but STRONGLY based on every day life!)

I know this. And I have to just laugh at myself and say, come on’, ol’ girl, get your act together!

All of these things play into how I spend my day as a work-at-home-mom. And when I try to let things happen naturally and have no plans or goals for my home life (i.e. what unschooling tends to look like for me since I have so much work to do), the energy just gets THAT MUCH MORE scattered. And then I’m not at all surprised when Ethan’s energy is that much more scattered!

So I need to get some discipline. Just a little. (Cause that word scares me from back in my legalistic conventional fundamentalist Christian days.)

To help me have a plan, a goal, a rhythm to our days (the days I am to home school as a stay-at-home-mom and not open my laptop), I have decided to bite the bullet and erg, eh, AGST, drats…

get some curricula. DUM DUMT DAH.

I think Ethan has long since been “ready” intellectually and socially for a kindergarten curricula… but here I must tread very, very carefully.

Because I believe that the best way kids learn is through play and narrative and natural every day learning. So I’m not getting workbooks, no. But SOME sort of guide for a year of kindergarten learning, nonetheless, for which we will begin after the Thanksgiving holidays.

What I’ll be doing is purchasing resources/lesson plans/etc within two of my favorite fields of homeschooling: Waldorf and Charlotte Mason.

Through the Waldorf curricula I hope to accomplish a weekly, monthly and yearly rhythm. Every Monday we bake bread, every Wednesday is painting day, so on… I also want to pick out and utilize the natural materials idea, which will help me get rid of a lot of “stuff” sucking up space in Ethan’s room. Because the Waldorf school believes children need simple, all natural materals, anything that is not wool, silk, wood, etc is not used, including polyester stuffed animals, so on. That is hard – even in Ethan’s room which is like 80% waldorf approved, lol. But I won’t go nuts. I believe there’s a lot of good stuff with Waldorf curricula, but I also believe reading is HUGE for Ethan — and so is some electronic mediums such as educational library videos or background music to set the tone for the activity. So Waldorf curricula, with its natural materials, beautiful daily rhythm, handwork and festivals is AWESOME – and I’ll use what I like and not beat myself up for not using what I don’t like! lol

With this new Kindergarten year (again, which I’m beginning for Ethan after Thanksgiving) I will also supplement with Charlotte Mason curricula, which sets the bar high for “living books” and emphasis on character building, reading, so on.

In addition, I’m considering registering Ethan (when he turns 5) for AllPrep. A friend has told me about this program, which is essentially homeschooling under the umbrella of a free charter school, but which scarcely involves itself in your homeschooling aside from supplying you with lots of resources which you can choose to use or not. One of which is a $500 credit to use at Village Home and another is FREE Rosetta Stone (language learning software that is really expensive!). For the Rosetta Stone stuff alone, I am seriously considering doing this next year, so we would be able to own the awesome resource (we would pick Spanish, of course, but many languages are available).

Ok, wow, I guess I could write about this stuff forever, heh? My little angel baby is awake now, very fussy from her teething ailments. Now that I’ve relieved my brain of some of these highly flammable thoughts, I better skiddaddle. Until next time…

I am…

• knitting these, and it is fun. (If you aren’t logged into ravelry.com you can’t view this, but suffice it to say they are cutie sweetie fingerless gloves with cabling and fun stuff on them.
• reading this, and it is inspiring.
• listening to my baby fart, and it is hilariously musical.
• about to watch Harry Potter with Hubby, in front of the ambiance of our electric fireplace in our room … and very much looking forward to it.

I have been at a loss these last few weeks – a loss of what to share with you all. Not just on the blog but often in person as well. I feel like all the little munchkin workers running the factory inside my brain have all caught a cold; Everything is a little slower. Harry called in sick and Margaret is complaining about her migraine. Come on, Brain People, get to work!

I have tried a few times to bring you a new and interesting post, and each time I managed to get my wheels turnin’, my brain just said, “fart.” I’m not even kidding. I wish I were. I even think what came out had a bit of foul odor.

Is it motherhood? The constant lack of quality sleep? The ferocious amount of mental energy it takes to keep all the balls spinning on each and every finger of my hands (and the one I balance on my head too!)?

It’s not that I haven’t had anything on my mind, though. Just the opposite. SO.MUCH. Where to begin? How to carefully divulge — with what amount of vulnerability am I willing to risk?

On one hand, I could start and end with the daily hum drum of my life: What I did this week, how yoga is going, how my diet is going, how my marriage is going, how the kids are doing, how homeschooling is going, how work is going.

To all those questions, I would describe things as “just fine!” Nothing newsworthy, which is often a good thing. The week has been fairly balanced, I am still loving yoga even though I wanted to cry when my body would not do an inversion in dolphin position this week (don’t you love how yoga brings out those emotions, showing us how hard we can be on ourselves?!) I’m eating well enough. My marriage is having a good week, we’ve talked a lot and bla bla bla. The kids are good, though Ethan still drives me absolutely bonkers. (The phase he is in is the “DEMANDING” phase. Holy cow. Talk about stressful.) As you could see from my last post, Verity is doing great, already crawling and getting into every little thing. Homeschooling is a lot more like “unschooling” these days since I have been working quite a bit. Last week we went with the homeschool group to the Sauvie Island pumpkin patch and today was the Halloween Party (Chris, Misty and I went as Bollywood stars, Ethan was an alien — thanks to the crazy mother who stayed up all night knitting him a green hat to make into an alien costume…). Work is work. Between 3 clients and another 3 folks I “barter” my services for, things are busy, busy, busy. I’d say the category of “work related” stuff I do each week is teetering on over-time (i.e. 40+ hours/wk), simultaneous with my work as a mom/wife (160 hours/wk). I just keep telling myself that one day, rest will come. One day, the kids will be a little older. One day, Chris will bring in more income. One day. And I don’t say that in a woah-is-me voice, either. I truly am hopeful for that one day. If my dad harped on anything, it was the phrase, “This too shall pass.” Sweet Jesus, how true.

Then there’s all of those thoughts and questions which my mind just turns and turns and turns, until everything inside it is sweet n’ creamy butta, baby. Short and long term financial goals, mine and Chris’ strengths and weaknesses, personal triumphs and failures, which learned roles I take on that I really don’t have to, why I so easily slip into survival mode, why I can’t let go, where we’ll all be in 5 years, will Ethan and I ever be close again, will I ever be able to homeschool the way I want to, why I feel the need to not just deliver but IMPRESS, why I’m all of a sudden disgruntled with our choice to be carless, why we are always broke within a week of a paycheck,… all of these and so, so much more.

More things like new herbs I’ve learned about, new projects I’m knitting, how our new homegroup is growing, if and how I fit into the body of Evergreen Community, my frustration at the sewing machine for wrecking up the pillow covers I’m sewing –

WILL IT JUST SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT I’VE GOT A LOT OF POTS ON THE STOVE?!

Yep. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

This has become a novel, hasn’t it? One big brain fart of a novel. And I didn’t even tell you the details of what I got out of the Betrayed, Redeemed Conference last weekend or anything else of significance in my life lately. I guess I’ll just save that all for a rainy day.

K, I just looked outside so I’ll rephrase that: save that all for a DIFFERENT rainy day.

Cheers, and happy almost- all saints day (stole that off of 30 Rock last night. That and “Good God, your breath! When did you have time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach!” …Ha! Cracks me up…)

I’ve been trying to stay ahead of a cold for about a week or so now. It’s been fairly easy, but I can feel my body fall behind it a bit when I get too little sleep or eat something sugary, which I did the last two days in a row (darn that new bakery and their delicious coconut macaroon!) … (and darn that the movie “Away We Go” was so darn cute that I stayed up til 2am to watch it!)

So I’m slowing down. I’m sipping “Tonic” tea, a blend from the Alberta Co-Op that includes green tea with herbs and spices like cardamom, ginger, cinnamon, mullein (great for sinuses), cloves, etc. My raw honey mask is on my face and I might rub some essential oil into my feet before bed too. I need to sleep deeply tonight.

Speaking of sleep, I have a post coming all about the different herbs traditionally used for sleep and relaxation aids, so you have that to look forward to.

In the meantime, the NoPo (north portland) Home Group harvest party kickoff was at our place tonight and we squeezed into our living room. It was really encouraging to hear where everyone was coming from and what they wanted out of it: authenticity, real relationships, friends, spiritual depth. There was an agreement that we would not do workbooks or sign agreements in our group. Ever. Instead we’ll do potluck dinners twice a month and a movie night once a month (”film and theology” – esque). I’m really looking forward to getting to know this group of folks over the next year…

I’m feeling emotional better than Sunday, but still kinda hormonal. I think it has to do with lack of sleep more than anything, though there are certainly some heartaches I am enduring from time to time. It’s like how sometimes an aspect of living is really grueling but in the larger scheme of things its all going in a positive direction.

I was thinking about that today, when I was changing Verity’s diaper. She was wailing and so upset with me because she was also very hungry, but I knew that I had to endure that so when she DID get to nurse her diaper would be clean and she could fall asleep, rather than half comfortable with poop stuck to her butt. I know only a mom would get that, lol, but I seriously thought about how God must feel that way with us sometimes! I can certainly be like the wailing, hungry infant who can’t see the logic in getting my diaper changed And the air on my butt is so cold!!! WAHHHHHH!!!

Back to my tonic, my work, and eventually, my SLEEP! Yoga class tomorrow morning, thankyoujeebus.

Everyday I work out the kinks of my life;
Breathe into them, feel them loosen.
It’s hard work, all this working.

Sometimes I grumble and complain.
Sometimes I boast in my own capabilities.
Sometimes I just fall over and give up.

I work out the kinks of my career,
learn new things that make my brain want to POP.
I work out the kinks of my heart,
learn new things that make my soul want to POP.

Even rest often feels like work:
taxing, stretching, challenging, moving, producing.

Today my work looked like this:

The challenge of getting myself and two young kids
ready to brace a chilly Fall morning, then
– catch the MAX, transfer to the bus –
Go to a yoga class,
Have a work meeting through lunchtime,
Carry my 20 pound baby 4 miles home because we don’t have change for the bus.
Break up the cock fights that burst forth every 2 minutes between Chris and Ethan,
Convince everyone to be civil,
Lose my civility by the 3rd mile (survival now: LET’S JUST MAKE IT HOME!)
Home for dinner: feed the baby, feed the preschooler, feed the husband, feed the mommy.
Get Ethan showered, Get baby showered, Get mommy showered.
Read 2 books, kiss Ethan goodnight.
Nurse for the umpteenth time today.
Work another few hours on random projects that have been on the backburner for friends.
Try to get to sleep at a decent hour…

Tomorrow work might look different:
a 9am – 2pm shift on the laptop,
learning things that make my brain want to go POP.
Followed by
grocery shopping,
cooking,
hosting a Harvest Party for our newly forming homegroup…

The next day, work will look different again, and then again…

Mixed through all of this work is internal work: prayers, self-talk, counseling, relationship building…

Even sleep is work: I work away the tensions of the day, I wake to nurse several times, I soothe a stuffy nosed baby, half-asleep rocking upright on my bed until she falls back asleep…

This is a season, a season for lots of hard work. They come, they go. Maybe winter will be restful: lots of painting, journaling, knitting, naps…

Since there are a teeny tiny few things on my mind between work this week, I will fill you in on what exactly those things might be.

First, YOGA. MamaZen (and if you scroll the pics, I’m actually in a few of them, can you guess who I am?) Have you heard enough about them yet? Well, in 3 weeks doing their practice 2 times a week and a home practice daily, I have lost 7 pounds. Yes, I’ve also been eating a highly nourishing diet like I described here. With some cookies on the side Anyway, I love them (mamazen). I’ve been feeling myself grow more strong and toned, which is a boost to the self-confidence after your body is wrecked by childbirth! My energy and spirits have been up, which is a very good thing given that my daily life with the kids, work, and marriage in recovery is DRAINING to say the least. Here are some of my favorite poses that have been helpful in conjunction of course with a rhythmic breathing through holding the poses (til I am burning and sweating and think my muscles can take it no longer ) These images are from the “sequence” I built using the handy home practice builder on yogajournal.com.

Second, speaking of energy and spirits (no, not THAT kind. Though a good mojito now and then doesn’t hurt), I will be adding some essential oils (PDF) to the family’s general well being very soon. Young Living, if you haven’t read all about it over at the experts blog, aka my roomate Lacey, is a therapeutic grade oil (as opposed to basic aromatherapy oils “over the counter” whose process of refinement destroys most if not all of the medicinal properties of the original plant). I’ve been using Lacey’s stash here and there with excellent results and lately benefited even further from the essential oil “adjustment” the yoga instructor gives everyone while in Savasana at the end of the practice. Since the weather is turning and having certain oils burning in the electric burner have been a major relief for us battling seasonal depression through the winter months, I’ve decided to get a few from Young Living for skin application that are meant to aid in processing emotions, so on. I’ve encouraged Lacey to write more about this line in her blog so keep checking her out for the real low down

Next on the list: skin. I’ve been hoping for some skin change since eating such reduced carbs and sugars, adding anti-inflammatory foods, and practicing yoga. I’ve been drinking tea each day with beneficial herbs (like dandelion root to support the liver and a few others) and of course doing the plethora of probiotics found in kefirs and kombucha. While I noticed my skin was not getting WORSE, it wasn’t getting too much better (yet, I mean its only been 3 weeks though!). But here’s where things get interesting. I remembered reading about an anti-inflammatory, anti-bacterial raw skin mask you can make at home from raw unfiltered honey and spices like turmeric, cloves and cayenne. I hadn’t tried it yet but while in Chicago my colleague and I were talking about raw honey and she pointed out that she has a one week shelf life, refrigeration only honey mask she finds at Lush. Sure enough its got those ingredients in it. Back home, I’ve been doing this mask once a day and holy crap. In the morning my skin is more moisturized, exfoliated, even-toned and smooth. Raw honey is known for doing all these things and more (healing scars, killing germs, so on), so I’m not surprised that it works, just how GOOD it works. So note to those of you who have any sort of skin problem! Try the Vivian raw honey/turmeric/cloves/cayenne skin mask!

As we proceed further down the list: Upcoming events. Tomorrow the homeschool group gathers at our place for an apple themed meet up. In honor of the theme, everyone is bring potluck items featuring apples in the ingredients. Today Ethan, Caleb and I juiced 5 pounds of organic apples, adding fresh ginger, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg and allspice, and popped in the water kefir to start brewing batch of amazingly healthy homemade sparkling apple cider. With the pulp from the juicer I made a quick apple bunt cake and topped it with a homemade pumpkin cream cheese icing. All sweetened with only raw honey, of course. I also have several pounds of apple chicken sausages to cook up in the morning for our guests.

Tomorrow evening is family movie night, this one being kinda special. We’ve been promising Ethan a viewing of the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, complete with an “Unbirthday Party” with cake and tea. Saturday is a friend’s 5th birthday party at the pumpkin patch – very exciting. I could go on but since there is like an event ever single day this month, I’ll save all that for another post, or two!

And speaking of family, every one is doing pretty good. I don’t want to speak for Hubby because he does have his own blog, after all, lol, but suffice to say that he has been having a hard time. He newly began therapy which has been intense, while trying to start his own business and feeling less active since not riding his bike to and from work each day. He’s had low points in his recovery lately which is difficult for us, but at the same time we are talking more and he seems to now be working harder at staying where he needs to be emotionally and spiritually. We had a yoga class together earlier this week that was really fun too!

Okay, well back to work. I’ll post some pics this weekend after some of the festivities…

I just got back from a community dinner with our friends down the street. The vegan potluck features many delicious meals which I scooped out by the heapfuls and piled on a small dessert plate for Ethan and I to munch on. But just when I thought I had it comfortably full, I turned around and noticed THREE MORE dishes on the stove! What to do?!

Boy, this is life, zapped into this little kitchen surrounded by amazing opportunities. Choosing what I want on my plate is definitely one of the major themes this month.

Within just a few weeks of Verity’s birth, I already began working (from home) again and within a month I was starting to be involved in Ethan’s homeschooling and joined a Friday homeschool group. I tried to be cautious about my involvement and commitment level to the various offers out there, from putting in time with my local church to taking on more roles (and hours, and even new clients) in my business, to starting a 3x a week running schedule to do the 5k this Sunday, to signing up for random things like mommy and me yoga on Wed. and Sat. and Village Home classes on Tuesday and quickly, quickly, I am realizing, my schedule got FULL.

SO full, in fact, that when I turn around and notice all the pots still on the stove, I have no more room and things begin to overlap and fall off. Not good.

Fact of the matter is, I am a mom with 2 young kids; one who is an infant and one who is homeschooled by yours truly. I work between 20-40 hours a week, depending on the work flow, from home with only my darling husband as “childcare”. I often work a few long days per week and then other days all night, in order to make up for the days I must take off to participate in field trips and community events and so on. Oh, and let’s not forget spending a tad of my time with my “intentional community” at the Kenton House and, of course, my husband and marriage (and weekly counseling and reading material and all those things that come with that!) And then there’s the wee time to blog, or knit, or watch a movie, or have tea with friends. You get the picture.

The point is, my time is valuable. And there is a time for everything under the sun. And it is all meaningless. LOL (okay, that was a tad out of context, but sometimes it feels that way, heh? Solomon certainly was wise!)

Where am I going with this? Here it is –

Today was Ethan’s first day of school at Village Home. We were SO looking forward to it. Here’s how it went:

Up working til passed midnight last night, nursed twice in the night, woke up at 7:30am to get kids dressed, ran out just before 9am with no breakfast (the kitchen was too full) so we ran to Posies, ate our breakfast in the car on the way, got there (in Beaverton) 5 minutes late. Got to class 10 minutes late.

First class of the day? Word World. Hmmm, how do I sum this up? The teacher mainly passed out worksheets. The lowlight of this was when another mother did Ethan’s FOR him. Yes, she sat there and told him every single answer to a worksheet he already knew how to do, not even letting him guess himself. I suppose his size deemed he needed the help but I was stunned silent and didn’t know what to do. I actually had to walk out of the room! I was like, if I’m going to spend an hour watching my son do TWADDLE, at least let him do it himself! lol Then a story was read, Blueberries for Sal, which we’ve been reading allllll summer long. Then they did another worksheet and colored in things that are blue. What? This is a $50 class (for the semester). So that was a little of a bummer, but I was still hopeful.

Then there was Move and Groove, a dance class. Ethan was very shy about moving about and following the teacher. He constantly wanted to be up at the front, talking to instructors, rather than following along. I watched him pick his nose on the sidelines for about 20 minutes (I’m not kidding, either, he dug out some good ones) before I was able to pass off the baby to Chris so I could go do ALL the dancing activities WITH him for another 40 minutes. It was fun, but I will not be able to do that each week, as the morning classes were going to be the hubby’s duty and the afternoon classes were going to be my duty. So this was definitely not a permanent solution. And I definitely felt that he was not that interested in the class, AT ALL.

The highlight of the day was meeting up with a home school mom from our Friday group and her son and going out to lunch (Korean, yum!). We rushed back for “Knitting” which was basically a small group of knitters, over half of whom were tweens learning for the first time. Ethan was frustrated doing his finger knitting in front of people and ended up practicing his “common words” flash cards instead. I was beginning to feel like this exhausting day was not really worth our time, or our money, but I wanted to get through the last class.

Organic Gardening. This is perhaps the best class of the day, which involves an instructor answering our questions that come up about our home gardens all the while we are weeding and planting and what not a space at the school with two small raised beds. It was fun – but alas. We have a garden at home. We do this every day. Do we need to travel 3 hours both ways via lightrail and spend our entire day here for that?

So we finally get home at about 4:30. I promptly start the meal for the vegan potluck and Ethan is a great little cook with me, helping me clip the tips of the green beans, par-boil them, add the cherry tomatoes and stir in the dressing. I talked to him about the day.

He says he enjoyed himself. He says he wants to go back. And I know on some level he does. This is hard!

But I asked him if he wanted to hit a storytime each week at the library like we used to instead of going to the reading class for a story, and that we’ll still see William and Brianna several times a week for playdates and our Friday group. I remind him that we dance together everyday, so we can still do this at home, as well as garden and knit. But if he REALLY wants to keep going on Tuesdays, I say, then okay – I’ll keep trying to make it work.

In the end, he admits that he could do without the Tuesday school day, in exchange for the dancing, knitting, gardening and reading we already do anyway, integrated into our daily life so effortlessly.

This was all such an odd experience. I thought I would love starting this little “homeschool” classes day, but I realized even more why I chose to do what I do: Because learning is so alive, so vivid, so individual; Because peers should be mixed ages, mixed abilities, mixed walks of life; Because life should be organic and integrated and rhythmic- not a rush and a squeeze and a stress; Because our time should be FULL with not only wonderful activities but also plenty of open slots for spontaneity, generosity — even so-called “inconveniences”!

I end the day right now reflecting on how grateful I am to live the life I do. I love that Ethan’s classroom is the world, his teachers are all around him and his learning happens constantly. He thrives in it and he’s confident in it, he has dear friends as well as casual playmates. Upon carrying bags full of plums from our tree to our neighbors yesterday, it occured to me that he also has a “grandpa and grandma” figure right next door, as well as “Aunts” a few doors down from him, with dogs he gets to play with since he doesn’t have one, lol. (Chickens I can handle. Dogs? No.)

In Portland, we are building, (ever so slowly sometimes!) a surrogate family – complete with odd characters, clumsy experiences, and — eventually — roots. A few weeks ago I was seriously at my wits end with homesickness and wondering if I should just pack it up and move in with in-laws back in Florida!!! But since “hanging in there”, I see evidence each new day that we are here for a reason and that things are actually going quite well.

So long as I can keep my plate open enough for community experiences that matter, I think we’ll do just fine.

(On a related note, our Kenton House will be the new NoPo – the short name for North Portland- Home Group at Evergreen! I am very excited to get some more intimate and smaller experiences with a group of great people while we shares meals — and lives– together. Pray for us!)