Category — knitting

Next week we will celebrate our THIRD Thanksgiving in Portland. It’s crazy to think about where I was then and where I am now. So many things have happened and the person I am is so different… yet learning so many of the same ol’ lessons too.

But before I get started on a rant about milestones and the fleeting years of my children’s early life, a tribute to my lovely Portland — because only in Portland would the sign at a roach coach (delicious strand of food carts lining the streets downtown) I am grabbing lunch from have a sign that reads: “Tip: Tasty protein shot without any oil which is dynamite”!!! Yep, this is Vivian’s town, fo’ sho’.

Back to the rant: As you all remember from a few weeks ago, Verity began crawling. Well it has taken her no time at all to enjoy pulling herself up to standing and begin cruising around the furniture. And today I felt her gnaw on my finger and low and behold- she has TWO TEETH!

She’s stinkin’ cute, isn’t she?!

I am NOT ready for this. Just yesterday Ethan was my squishy little baby boy. I didn’t know if I ever wanted another. He was my angel. We sang “Santa Baby” the book to bed every night and his sweet 3 year old voice knew all the words. I relished his last year before he turned into a “kid”. Where did the time go? There are times I wish I could just do nothing all day but get to know my children. I envy the moms who can do so, (though I realize the grass is always greener too). Ethan and I don’t have the bond we used to have. Slowly we are differentiating as he, miraculously, grows into an independent little guy – well-adjusted, opinionated, and strong-willed.

Thankfully, I know our time of practically breathing in rhythm as he breastfed wasn’t meant to last forever. The night’s I could spend 30-45 minutes with him in his bed, reading 3 books and singing 5 songs, have turned into rushed busy night’s that he is often tucked in by his dad while we can only spare the time for 1 book and 1 song. Sigh. What is a work-at-home-mom with a 6 month old baby to do?

I want to recapture all that lost time and get back in sync with my child, but sometimes I don’t know where to begin. The amount of things I seem to actually be able to get done in a day are remarkably minuscule – I often must stay up until 1am just to get to SOME of them.

I’m ranting, but its bittersweet. I know this is all natural but I just wish I could spend more time with my kids while they are this little. There will always be time to work in the future. I have got to come up with a plan to be more fully present during family time. It’s flying by soooo fast, and its NOT OKAY WITH ME!!!

Okay. Whew.

It’s that crazy time when I start rearranging furniture every week and feeling as though some how my life will with it be rearranged and work better.

Can’t some one just write me a check every month for being a mother so that I can pay my bills? Is that too much to ask? lol

Ok, I am going straight to pictures from here on out because otherwise I will be revealing on way too vulnerable a level just how bonkers I feel today about the neverending work-at-home-mother saga.

Verity standing up everywhere, plus a video of her bath time (for grandparents, lol).

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My hand knit wool yoga socks (hopefully on sale soon):

Ethan, my way-too-quickly-growing-up boy, hiding out with his friend Paz who he has adorned with pearls.

Tomorrow we are doing a waldorfy Lantern Walk through the woods. Saturday is a big home school family-wide potluck. I’ve been pretty busy and trying to get back in the swing of things since being sick, but its all good. Just gotta figure out how to be a mom who works from home and isn’t constantly bitter about how to make it all work out for myself, my children, and my clients! Arg…

I am…

• knitting these, and it is fun. (If you aren’t logged into ravelry.com you can’t view this, but suffice it to say they are cutie sweetie fingerless gloves with cabling and fun stuff on them.
• reading this, and it is inspiring.
• listening to my baby fart, and it is hilariously musical.
• about to watch Harry Potter with Hubby, in front of the ambiance of our electric fireplace in our room … and very much looking forward to it.

Sometimes I feel like the Grinch. A grumpy, cranky, irritated, impatient, selfish, angry old Grinch. Oh wait, that’s not just sometimes.

But, you see… it’s not Christmas that I despise. It’s not the noise of all the Who’s down in Whoville. It’s the noise of my life. The constant barrage of noise. Some of the noises aren’t even audible.

Yesterday we had the house to ourselves for the afternoon, the housemates out at their parents for the day to celebrate Halloween. I felt really excited about Halloween and very grateful for my family.

THEN…
The following took place within 5 minutes:

I sat down, happy as a clam, to start knitting a new project. The cast on was “provisional cast on” method, something new to me. I clicked on a little video to view the demonstration and I was a little baffled. Frustrated, I turned up the volume a bit and tried to concentrate a little harder. I had finally gotten Verity to sleep just minutes before and I could feel the familiar sense of impatience with myself creep up, knowing I had only so long to “myself” before she would wake up again, or Ethan would need something, or a chore would need to be done, or food would need to be made, or an event would need to be prepared for, … etc.

Ethan was watching a movie and apparently not so happy about things the fact that he could hear my 2 minute tutorial video from my laptop across the room. He started raising his voice asking me to turn it down so he could hear his movie. I was engrossed and determined to steal a few minutes for myself to learn something new, so I didn’t even register WHAT he was saying. All I could register was a whiney, demanding voice that was ruining my thought process (and what else is new?)!

To make sure he was heard, he got up from his spot and got right in my face, abrasively coming directly between my video and I, repeating like a broken record something about my video interrupting HIM!? (The nerve!!!) In a frustrated, Grinchy instant, I snapped. White flashed before my eyes and I stood up, raised my face to the sky like a wolf and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAACHED. An octave away from a dog whistle, let me tell you.

The baby woke up, of course. Ethan started crying and ran off to his room, of course. I felt like a total failure, of course. Chris looked at me like I was a wild woman, of course.

Emotional exhaustion is all that follows my Grinchy moments. It’s the pits. The worst feeling. I have to go back and smooth things over, explain, apologize, take responsibilty and make amends. Try to move on, try to start anew. And I’m always ten times harder on myself about it than anyone else is. The kids seem to have bounced back within seconds, while I am still realing over my mistake.

It seems only full-time, stay-at-home parents seem to be able to relate to the truly grueling job of 24/7 noise and needs. Those days that you have to take as long of a shower as possible because that is literally the only time you will have to yourself all day (or in a couple of days!!!) I can’t even begin to imagine the HOURS that other adults have to themselves. HOURS?!?!?!?! Um, am I green with envy yet?!?!?! You mean you can watch a movie without interruption? You mean you can drive somewhere and just listen to music? You mean you can read a book for more than 5 minutes? What is this life you speak of – IS IT REAL? Will I ever have it again?

It has been FOUR. LONG. YEARS. Four years of being around at least one young child for all or the vast majority of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Folks, I can’t even poop in peace. He will be barging in if I forget to lock the door or BANGING on the door if I remember.

Where are my boundaries, you might ask? Right where they should be, thankyouverymuch. I do tell him when I’m tired or when I’m angry. I walk away when I can take no more. I tell him I need space when I need a moments peace. I institute a “quiet time” every afternoon and on good days, he actually takes it willingly!

But then you throw a baby in the mix. Boundaries with a baby? LOL

And then you throw in a full-time work load FROM HOME.

And then you throw in chores, and meals, and counseling, and homeschooling, and outings, and… ???

The noise is constant. And in my worst moments, my response is utter Grinchyness. Suck. And the worst and best part is that I KNOW BETTER. I know I can choose my response, I know I can manage my feelings better. But practicing inner peace despite the crazy demands around you is an entirely different matter.

But let’s digress and move on to a related topic:

Today Chris and I got three GLORIOUS hours away from the kids, (whom we love so much and never want to leave them BUT boy are the breaks refreshing with a capital R!!!)

We signed up for a co-ed spa day at MamaZen. Three hours. Granted, the way there was stressful. We were late, trying to leave the babysitter with everything she would need for 4 hours with a nursing infant and 4 year old. We got on the bikes and raced the 4 miles or so to the yoga studio. It was hilly. I was out of breath, my thighs were screaming at me, and I was disgruntled and cold and pissed that I’m always late to things. Then Chris’ reflector broke and spewed out at me behind him. Everything took too long. I felt like a total idiot for the life I lead on my freaking flipping bicycle. F-bombs were murmered. Tears even escaped my eyes. Yep, lovely bike ride to spa day.

But don’t worry, it gets better.

Hour one: a yoga practice of extended, gentle poses and guided meditation, meant only to increase awareness and release tension, deepening into relaxation. The yogi had wonderful, beautiful things to say, things that seemed so poignantly related to my life. At one point he said, “We are always assuming that the harder we try, the better we are doing. But what about trying SOFT?” I wanted to cry. What am I paying a counselor for – this freakin’ yoga class was therapy!!!

Hour two: Tea service, complete with sandwiches and tea and mimosas. I cuddled up in my blanket in a chair next to Chris on the porch and zoned out, silent almost the entire hour.

Hour three: Seated in some kind of crazy ergonomic reclining chairs, we were covered with blankets in a circle in the room, a lavender eye pillow on our faces, hot peppermint tea refilled constantly on the night stand beside us. A LIVE HARPIST played soothing music and I just ZONED some more. I saw myself as a strong tree in the fall, allowing and accepting the autumn winds which would rid me of my weight, as the leaves fluttered effortlessly to the ground in time with the harpest’s music. I went deep into my thoughts for the first time in maybe 7 or 8 months. During this time we received hand and feet massages, and our time ended in upright position with hot salt mineral foot bath in a private bowl of pebbles and floating flowers. Nice…

Yes, it was back into the harsh reality of our life – hitting the bikes in the dark; very cold, to trek home. It was invigorating and I tried to welcome that, but my life is so stimulated and invigorating ENOUGH that it was hard to really embrace a cold bike ride home, even through beautiful neighborhoods and silent streets.

I sit here having a bowl of popcorn and a glass of red wine, trying for the first time in far too long to write out my feelings. But this post is pushing 1,200 words and I feel I must leave it here. I’ve recorded a little of my life and the rest will come, in time.

This month I’ve been on a hat knitting frenzy. I love knitting hats. You do the ribbing or whatever band you want, then a few patterns later you are already decreasing and wa la – a new knitted goodie for your kids, friends, new babies, whatever!

Here’s the “Foliage” hat I knit for a friend’s very late birthday present. The yarn is SO yummy – a super soft organic cotton chunky weight, with a really interesting burnt yellow color that reminds me of Fall. Heavenly! (If my hair looks slightly dark purple… it’s because it is! That henna hair dye is a bit unpredictable )

I used the last of the yarn to knit another (Banana Republic Knock Off pattern) hat – for my future daughter-in-law, Brianna Gotta add some buttons…

This one is Ethan’s (Chris will have a matching one soon). It’s a “manly” gray wool hat with a neat decreasing at the crown… (boyfriend hat pattern here)

This one is for my niece Laila. I need to find a cool button with some sort of leaf pattern to go with the little leaf at the top. I made up this pattern, it was fun to go ad lib The periwinkle pastel colors are hand dyed and spun wool. I just hope it fits!

This one is for Verity. With the weather turning, I needed a quick hat that would keep her little head warm. It’s the super soft Misty Alpaca yarn for the pink top and the band is seed stitched with the wool left over from Laila’s hat.

On the needles? The second of the “cabled baby hat” for babies Gavin and Logan, my bff’s twin boys who are due any day now!

If you are wondering where I find the time to knit (cause if we know anything about knitting, its that one hat can take HOURS), the short answer is “where ever I can!”. So if that means 10 minutes in a car, or on the bus, or on a bench, or at the park, or an hour while “spending time” watching a movie with hubby, whatever. You just gotta bring a few projects with you EVERYWHERE and eventually they get done!