After thinking about doing so for a few weeks now, I’ve decided this evening to take some time away from social networks and blogs for awhile, perhaps the month of August, maybe longer. I need to focus on my work, my writing, and Ethan’s kindergarten home school curriculum. I feel the “bustle” of the WWW is zapping too much of my precious mental and emotional resources for these things.

I also hope to do some soul-searching this month, learn a few new skills, gain some peaceful center and find the wisdom to deal with difficult situations I find myself in. That and just kinda… be present.

From a heart overflowing,

“mama”

Last week we had a few days of cookie making, movies, and mud pies that come along with rain. The kids and I LOVE the rain…

There is something very crucial about experiencing rain – up close and personal, not always tucked away inside cars and houses. Like knowing the warmth on your face from a live fire, or sticking your toes deep down in the wet sand at the water’s edge and “sinking”; your body touching the elements, making you more real, more alive…

it’s invigorating. We soaked it up, as did the gardens, knowing July and August will likely not bless us with so much wet abundance from here on out!

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that’s creativity.–Charles Mingus

“I’m homeschooling because I know in my heart it is RIGHT.”

This type of statement can be heard/seen pretty frequently in the homeschooling community, I’ve probably said it myself, almost unconsciously, as a reason for what we’re doing (as if you really owe some one an explanation, lol).

I think there is some error in that. The first is in assuming that hefty word: RIGHT.

It’s not that I don’t believe some things are inherently right and wrong. But many things wrong are done with good intentions, and I think that is often the result of a duality viewpoint. For example, “if sending kids to traditional “school” is wrong, then I am “right”". Some think time outs are “wrong” (”love withdrawel” we like to rename it – the Alfie Kohn er’s perhaps?) and others don’t (Nanny 911 crowd, cheer!); scheduled meals/bedtimes is wrong and others right (unschoolers vs Waldorfers, anyone???); circumcision wrong and others right (attachment parenters vs. Babywisers, holler!); you get the idea. (ohhhh, I just thought about some even more challenging ones for me: SUGAR, CONSUMPTION, and BREASTFEEDING! Aghst!)

Speaking internally, as well; inside myself, I wrestle daily with “that is the wrong thought. That is the wrong emotion” – assigning virtues to emotions that are so much more simple than all that I give them credit for. Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book Anger, says it well:

The foundation of our practice is the insight of non-duality, the insight of non-violence. This insight teaches us how to treat our body with tenderness. We must treat our anger and our despair with tenderness. Anger has roots in non-anger elements. It has roots in the way we live our daily life. If we take good care of everything in us, without discrimination, we prevent our negative energies from dominating. We reduce the strength of our negative seeds so that they don’t overwhelm us.

As I said, I do believe some things are truly right and wrong, in a universal kind of way. But there are very, very few things I think probably fit that bill. The rest is sooooo subjective. And certainly no parenting or schooling technique is so “right” that it ensures happy, well-adjusted, peaceful kids who excel at whatever they put their hands on and grow up to live a life of the utmost value (college, jobs, artistic or altruistic endeavors- whatever it is YOU the parent think is the utmost value, lol!).

I’m learning this, ever so slowly. The more life broadens the range of my community, I find folks and families who simply defy my stereotypes, who teach me something from a new perspective, and the more I recognize the importance of non-duality. All these opinions and choices exist in the same spirit of parents trying to do the best for their children, (often royally screwing much of it up – whether they know it or not, ha!) and by all different means and methods.

Practically speaking, I was just at my Radical Homemakers group on Tuesday and the subject of homeschooling came up. In the book, the author challenges some typical American assumptions, and one of them is this statement: “Education is not a fixed-cost”, i.e. deep, good learning can happen anywhere, in many ways, at all times, and does not have to be purchased (eg private schools, college, etc).

The group was about evenly divided on the public schooling moms and homeschooling moms, and of course I shared why even on the worst days when I feel like a total failure, and the best public elementary school (maybe in the whole state?) is a stone throw away from my house, I still talk myself down from enrolling Ethan in kindergarten.

And when you share such strong choices rooted in strong values with the world, it is so very important to love – always always love. And with that love for the people around you, you speak with respect for their different viewpoints and try your best to think through what your going to say before using words like “because I know what I’m doing is RIGHT”. Sometimes I do a good job with that, other times I totally fail and come off like the self-righteous hippie (you didn’t think I was aware of that, did ya?). But the truth is that I don’t think WHAT I AM DOING is RIGHT. I don’t. At all.

(I also don’t happen to think it’s wrong, of course. )

It, my friends, is JUST A DECISION. We humans make decisions based on many insights, influences, and factors, and then we do our best. And sometimes we change our mind. Move. Quit a job. Leave a relationship. Just choices. Period. End of story. (No arguing necessary.) Some seem right or wrong, only in hindsight we may appreciate the experience for all it was worth and have grace on ourselves and others who brought turmoil to life because of their choices. In the end, I believe God is the Author of our story and the Forgiver of our mistakes. Mistakes that might cause problems but often get us right where we need to be anyway. (amen and amen?!)

How I feel about homeschooling is deeply rooted in my experiences and knowledge and desires, and while I don’t mean it is “just a decision” to say that I take the choice of my child’s learning lightly (because believe you me, I don’t!). I know that successes and failures (poster children for every argument!) come out BOTH sides of the coin, so the less I concern myself with what every one else is doing, wants to do, or has done, and just focus on my home, MY space, those in MY family, the more I feel ready to make a choice, even when there are tensions (embrace them — they are all part of it, this little time here).

And when you make a choice, OWN IT. And when it seems obvious that you need to make a new choice, ADMIT IT. Be flexible, be tender with yourself and those around you, and be very careful to assume what you are doing is “RIGHT”. (hmmm, am I speaking to YOU or myself?!)

Until next time…

Got the funk these days, primarily with homeschooling and parenting. Such a whirlwind we have been through this last month or so and all that rhythm we were starting to create got sideswiped, yet again.

I’m out searching for some new (and/or old) info and thoughts and inspirations so I can get motivated towards SOMETHING besides grumpiness and fatigue and that familiar listless feeling that comes during times of recovery from life’s major upheavals.

It is really, really, really hard to be a full-time parent. I am missing the fun parts that seemed to come easier when Ethan was 0-3 years old. I capture the few seconds in a picture here and there, but they are way too few and far between lately and I feel abnormally guilty about that. So if you are the praying kind, I sure could use some. I’m seeking out support and encouragement as well. My motherhood journey feels overwhelming and my confidence dwindling.

I’ll close with this inspirational quote from the unschooling site:

“If you think you can’t provide a rich, stimulating environment for your kids, maybe they *are* better off in school. Send them.

But if you know that the whole wide world is rich and stimulating, then GET OUT THERE! DO things, BE with your kids. Find cool places to go. Bring new things home. Quit bitchin’!

If you knew you only had a year more with that child, what would you expose him to? Where would you go? What would you eat? What would you watch? What would you do?

If you had only ONE year—and then it was all over, what would you do? Four seasons. Twelve months. 365 days.

Do that THIS year. And the next.”

I’ve been keeping track of my time a bit this last week or so, trying to estimate what percentages of my time is devoted to what.

Here’s what I have found, currently:

- sleep an average of 6 hours a night and nurse about 2-3 times during those 6 hours.

- (spend an average of) 4 hours a day on meal prep, eating and meal cleanup.

- 4 hours a day on house chores and yard work (and still my laundry is piled up!)

- 3 hours a day on direct involvement with the kids (reading, crafts, outings, bathtime, bedtime, etc)

- 3 hours a day on my work-at-home business (no wonder I have so little time for this!)

- 1 hour a day with Chris

- 1 hour a day on email/blog/facebook to catch up with friends and family

- 30 minutes a day on personal needs (shower, brush teeth, get dressed.)

- leaving me with 1.5 hours a day for something to surprise me

For me, this list is somewhat revealing. I have found that I spend a lot of my day on a lifestyle of “simplicity” that is really quite a bit of hard work but very good for me too. I eat well and I move a lot, (which saves me the time and money going to a gym – or having any healthcare needs!), and my kids are happy and healthy, which contributes to my quality of life a lot. And I suppose the house/yard is somewhat maintained, lol. I would like more sleep, me time, and husband time, but I suspect so does every mom! Perhaps when I “retire” (I’ve told you I plan to retire by 35, right? It’s my ten year plan. Yeah. I have lots of those.)

I also get time to watch a movie or knit here and there (though usually only when multi-tasking or coinciding with husband-time). I don’t have much time to call people back or reply to emails, and I get chided for that from friends and family members at least once a day

As I bend down, 30 pound baby on my back as usual, to sweep the mornings crumbs and sticky oatmeal from under the table, summer ants scattering away, I admit to having mixed feelings about how much of my day is spent just keeping us from being under a foot of garbage. Within 20 minutes the sink will be full again with kefir smoothie (our morning snack) remains. The table and floor I just cleaned will have sticky spills of smoothie everywhere and the kids’ hands and faces will need to be cleaned again. And when I finish all that, I’ll have about 20 minutes until I need to start thinking about lunch. Nobody said this job was easy!

I’m blessed to have a husband who comes in from a 10 hour work day and goes directly to the sink to do dishes, then outside to care for the chickens, then inside to eat dinner and do the dishes AGAIN, then help put the 5 year old to bed, then fold clothes while watching a show. Literally, he does this Every.Single.Day. His help is probably why I even get those precious 6 hours of sleep!

Life on the homestead, I suppose?

More posts coming your way this week – much going on up in this noggin’ of mine…

Until next time.

{simple pleasures}

a weekend Mama Seasons series about finding pleasure in something inexpensive or free in search of :The Good Life:

Thrifted:
$10 Hand-crank ice cream maker (and a hand-held juicer — all for making orange-mint-coconut ice cream!) — (we are currently seeking anything manual for our inevitable move to the country in our off-grid cob home P.S. We are going cobbing next weekend to learn how!)

$1 Doll PJ’s for Ethan’s mama-made waldorf doll, Colby

Gifted:
Basket full of ripe apricots from a neighbor (apricot preserves, anyone???)

Bartered:
Knitted finger puppets in exchange for a rustic lemonade sale stand (for Ethan to earn some Summer income )

Created:
Silk/cotten blend sun hat for Verity (almost done) to match her cardigan

Mud pies

Grown:
Pumpkins vining up their a-frame cage

First sunflower bloom

Enjoyed:
Butterflies comin’ round

Finding another “our song” with my love:

For those of you who haven’t heard, Chris interviewed for a job through a temp agency on Friday and they took the bait! He began working on Monday, woo hoo!

It sure has been different these last few days- going to bed early, waking up early… both kids usually stay asleep, allowing me at least 30 minutes to myself. What a treat to eat, drink my coffee, check my email, and knit for awhile in front of an open window as the neighborhood birds wake up. Bliss! Finding time to work, that’s another story. I can’t stay up late to work anymore or else I’m zombie mama in the morning and godzilla mama by the afternoon. I’m working on opening up a 3 days per week waldorf-inspired playschool, which I’m so excited about, but I have lots of logistics to iron out first. In the meantime, I’m trusting that I’ll find the time and energy to continue bringing in my share of the income while taking care of the youngins too. Just an adjustment, really. Life is so full of them!

A cardinal nest just outside our door reminds us that we are not the ONLY family living on this property

The days are long without adult company – I almost forgot what it was like. I allow myself only 5-10 minutes to pop onto the internet during the day so I don’t get sidetracked from the multitude of things I have to do around the house now that Chris is gone (sooo… laundry and dishes and trash and bathroom cleaning doesn’t just magically happen. Who knew?)

When there isn’t something to clean or something to cook or some one’s butt to wipe — believe it or not, there are teeny tiny windows of time where I am NOT doing one of the above — there is our Waldorf-inspired kindergarten curriculum (3 days per week), walks, gardening, stories, art, games, and so on. The part that is so outside the norm is the lack of adult conversation. I don’t know how single moms, or those with husbands working two jobs or also in night classes, do it. I suppose this is why community support and extended family around is such a necessity.

We have been baking a lot. A new favorite around here is the recipe I found for chocolate cookies using whole wheat pastry flour, raw sugar, and crunchy sea salt on top. Finally, a replacement for that darn addictive cookie dough from Immaculate Baking Co.! One batch of this recipe costs about the same as a pack of the dough, but makes probably 4 times the servings. I’ll share more pics and the link to the recipe later this week…

However, I’m enjoying it. There are low points to the day, but that’s a given. All in all, it is really nice to focus on just the house/kids/myself without having to take into account and balance the needs and conversations of another adult. And it makes the evening time together that much more special.

Yay, dad’s home!

We are currently reading through “Radical Homemakers ; Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture”. I love it. Wait, no, I didn’t say that right. I LOVE THIS BOOK AND THINK EVERY ONE SHOULD READ IT. NOW. PERIOD. THE END.

But more on that another day.

With all the rain, we’ve resorted to hanging laundry indoors. Cloth diapering without a dryer is… interesting.

With all the rain (A week or more of straight up RAIN, thunder, and lightening. NOTHING like the rain I was used to in Portland. This is torrential downpour weather) we realized that the chicken coop was placed in an area of the yard that was quickly becoming a mudslide — and not the yummy, ice creamy kind. So it was moved to a place further up on the “hill” where they are happily not feather deep in goop.

This opened up a new space in the yard that gets lots of sun and lots of rain. I am fast at work on a garden plan that would put more raised beds in that space, along with container blueberry plants, tater tires, and perhaps a fruit tree or two.

Coming this summer: dwarf sugar peas, pole beans, dragon tongue beans, and heirloom watermelon!

Our pole beans are shooting right up, as well. When the sun peeks out again, we’ll be setting up an 8′ high bean tepee in the yard to let them climb for a shady summer resting spot. It’s down right magical to watch little tiny seeds become plants taller than you are.

Life is beckoning me to live it now, so until next time…

Since the start of tree pollen season here in NW Arkansas, I have been feeling way more drained and tired than usual. It didn’t help that this coincided with a week or two long teething spell for Verity! I was so sleep-deprived and discombobulated – it felt as though I had just had my wee one, only I couldn’t rest all day because I had two to run after and jobs to keep!

Towards this last weekend, I felt in despair. I thought something must be wrong with me – I have had no energy or attention span to work for more than about 2 hours a day, and I couldn’t focus on the kids very well either. Combined with dizziness while gardening and a few other things, I finally checked in with myself and began to get a regimen for getting back up to “speed”

With the help of some great advice from friends as well as a few chapters of The Fourfold Path to Healing; Working with the Laws of Nutrition, Therapeutics, Movement and Meditation in the Art of Medicine, I realized I need to revamp my dietary laziness. I’m following the recommendation in the book now, as much as possible: 40% animal source, 40% vegetable source, 20% grain source. The animal source must be raw as often as possible (raw butter, raw milk, etc) or pasture-raised fresh meats not cooked at too high a temperature (and bone broths, etc), the vegetable source can be only steamed or raw, and the grain source (and legumes, nuts, etc) must be properly soaked or sprouted.

What does that all have to do with sleep, you ask? Well, you’ll have to get the book or begin following Weston Price literature to get the nitty gritty. In the nutshell, however; eating this way means you are giving you digestive system foods it can properly break down, leaving your body with more energy for the other systems and functions (including brain — hormone! — function). I already eat only organic produce, pasture-raised meat, and unrefined foods. But what I don’t do enough is soak and sprout. Maybe once a week for a split pea soup or black bean side, but otherwise I bake with whole wheat pastry flour, etc. I do get sprouted sandwich bread and sourdough artisan bread, however, because I already had a gist for the logic behind it. What I didn’t understand is was how much I needed to eat, what percentages, and how those 2 or 3 days of eating a muffin and a coffee or something similar was contributing to my low energy level and moods. Man, you slack off just a bit and WHAM, teething, allergies, illnesses – (”I get knocked down, but I get up again!”)

Moving on!

Another thing I changed a few days ago was my sleep pattern. I never take naps, and I rarely fall asleep before 1am. I also can’t fall asleep for at least 30 minutes. Then I nurse a few times in the night and wake up around 8am feeling like I just went to bed. I am not a morning person, never have been. I feel cranky and ethereal for a few hours and can barely function until I have some protein in my breakfast (bowl of cereal = raving lunatic. poached egg on steamed kale = happy mama.)

On Mother’s Day, I took for myself a rare treat. A nap. What was odd, to me, was that I felt tired again early that night and crashed about an hour earlier than usual. Then Chris let me sleep in on Monday morning and do you know when I woke up? 10 o’clock! This was more sleep than I have had in a span of DAYS this year. And finally, I didn’t feel guilty about it – I didn’t fret over all the things I didn’t get done because I was asleep. Instead, I felt calm (no! getting sleep helps you feel calm! Say it isn’t so!) and trusted that this is what my body needed to do to recuperate. If that means I get behind on a few things, maybe those things weren’t that important. Also, maybe I’ll have the attention span and energy to finish them better and faster once I’m rested. For a few days now, I’ve taken naps (which, according to this article, DOES make folks learn better and increases memory function) and getting to bed before midnight. Already, the quality of my waking is more alert and energized. Halle-flippin-lujah!

I should add that I’ve also been more conscientious about taking my fermented cod liver oil (SO important, esp for pregnant/nursing mama’s!) and adding to it a range of therapeutic essential oils to support my immune and digestive system. Also back on the bandwagon is my use of lacto-fermented beverages. I’ve been drinking my homebrewed kombucha daily but slacked off on my kefir smoothies. Until I read that the recommendation for me to fight fatigue is also to drink less water (flushes gut with water – not letting stomach vile do its job in digesting the food) and more lacto-fermented liquids instead (kefir smoothies, yum!)

So I’m going to continue this super nourishing diet, extra sleep to support that I nurse all night still (attachment parenting, respond respond respond! ), and cod liver and essential oils supplements. Besides being a little more energized, calm, and alert, my skin is less red and rashy (woo hoo!). I’ll touch back after a few weeks and let you know if anything else is changing.

THIS is what I love about allowing negative emotions to come to the surface, yet having the perspective that they are not evil or wrong or stupid, but just a message. A message to make a change and shift your priorities. The few weeks of fatigue and restlessness and worry prompted me to take the time to do some soul searching. I journaled about some things I need to do, including getting alone and girl time each week, starting yoga again, along with the diet change and more sleep. I prayed about some of these things, in particular that I would find a good Vinyasa yoga class in Fayetteville, and low and behold, today I was at the co-op and saw a flyer on the bulletin about a new 6 week series for Vinyasa flow. It’s on Sunday afternoons, a great open time block for me, and not very expensive either. I’m soooo relieved!

After a good night’s sleep, I also emerged with some answers to things that were bothering me. Career changes/ timing, Chris’ joblessness, the kids, so many things. What was clear to me when I awoke was this: I need to focus on my faith, writing, art, and family. Period. The financial situation will iron itself out, likely in a way that I can’t even foresee right now. But having mini-breakdowns every week because there is no time for the things my heart and mind is needing more of is making me less productive and less joyful, more tired and more stressed out.

The blog, something I was ready to give up for lack of time to commit to it, might end up sticking around, if only for a place to share my thoughts. I’ll be taking a writing course with my neighbor soon (who actually named herself Ryder – cause she is a writer – which I think is so bold it’s cute). Next I want to take some watercolor courses. I’ve always felt really dyslexic when it comes to watercolor as a medium, and I want to remedy that.

Oh! And I’ll be hosting a summer reading group (through Vintage) to discuss the book “Radical Homemakers; Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture“. Can you see a theme here? Doing things good for my soul, learning to let go of roles I don’t need to cling to anymore, taking a leap of faith – eventually hoping to be more generous and infectiously joyful in a world so riddled with greed, fret, and hopelessness. Wish me luck

Well, I won’t go on – this is getting rather long. And I have a playdate, so…

Be the Light,

Mama

“The caterpillar trusts his maker that all is well. He does not cling to his old garment and thus is transformed into a magnificent butterfly. There is no pain, it is a natural transmutation. So it is with us. As the chrysalis is the bridge between caterpillar and butterfly, so is True perception the bridge between separation and Oneness. We are transmuting into a new state of being. Clinging to our caterpillar stage, our old ways of judgement, we shall never learn to fly into the dawn of a new day.” – Peter Erbe

While planting today, a truly majestic butterfly joined Ethan and I to steal a quick drink from my soaker hose on a warm sunny day. I was grateful for the moment to awe over his company.

We planted tomatoes (black prince, persimmon, green zebra, yellow pear, and whopper) and peppers ( red bell, yellow bell, and aneheim) surrounded by seedlings of carrots and lettuces. The small raised bed was then lined with marigolds and chives. Companion planting, yeah baby! Many of the starts I got from a local farm at the farmer’s market; a very sweet and helpful farmer who I was proud to support just a bit with my Mother’s Day moolah

Over on the other side of the front yard, a pumpkin patch is underway. We’ve seeded carving pumpkins, white pumpkins, and sugar pumpkins (for pie), along with a few varieties of ornamental gourds. Can’t wait for Fall!!!

This week’s homeschooling has been about beans We’ve read Jack and the Beanstalk and planted pole beans, dragon tongue beans, sugar peas, and some melon varieties. These will go in the backyard raised bed, a long 20′ x 4′ which will feature more stuff I’ve learned about companion planting. From what I’ve heard, growing your own food in the Ozarks is a lot different from the “plant it, it will grow” Oregon climate and soil I have only ever gardened in. I’ve had to learn about rocky, clay soil and nasty bug infestations and dry, hot summers – so companion planting helps with some of that, along with a proper composting system and lots of soaker hoses – which will eventually be hooked up to rain barrles. For more info on companion planting, check out the classic on the subject: Carrots Love Tomatoes. As for my backyard bed, I’ll be trying out the three-sisters method: the beans will be trained up corn stalks while the ground is kept moist by a covering vines — squash/melons/cucumbers. On the other end of the bed will be a large patch of strawberries (to collect fruit from next year) and kale. Little natural insect repellents will be distributed around the main veggies – mainly marigolds and some herbs.

The chicken coop is coming along, but I’ll show pics when we get the roof and the painting fine tuned. The three musketeers (Chris and his two new boyfriends : Trevor and Cheyne) were working on it last night while the women and kids enjoyed each others company amongst the backdrop of an Ortecho-style Cinco de Mayo celebration (make your own tacos and fried ice cream with Mariachi in the air).

May the music move you…