Though it is really quite chilly, the sun is out over the Ozarks today my spirit is a little lifted. After a lovely weekend spent with family, cousins running around with Ethan and mulling over plans with trailblazers much wiser than we, we decided to stick around Fayetteville and continue to dig in to what God has in store for us here.

Here’s my recap of the last 4 days and my initial impression of our new location:

First, the bad news. Cons:
1. Coffee shops. There are like… 3? I liked a mayan mocha I got at one place but the ambiance was a bit corporate looking (when compared to the thrift store furnished bungalow coffee shops or trendy mom cafe’s of Portland). Plus, I think I had more coffee shops within 2 miles from my last place as I do within the whole city of Fayetteville. The pastry/food offerings at one place was seriously lacking variety and the scones and breads were really too sweet. The other place, supposedly the trendy one on Dickson St., was actually fairly hoyty towty, with a full liquor bar and lunch menu – it was really more of a restuarant and not a family friendly one at that. Not to mention that our 3 coffee drinks and 3 desserts ran a bill of just under $40! Needless to say, I’m not returning there again! There is one more I need to try, or so I’ve heard. It’s more of a hole in the wall place with a drive through – which could mean is amazing, or terrible, lol. I haven’t come across a tea shop or a knitting store yet, though I’ve heard they exist.

2. Vintage stores. There are a few I still need to check out but they are in surrounding towns. The main one I’ve looked into in Fayetteville is decently priced and had a good assortment of vendors (I got a cute old metal trash can, a throw pillow and a book about edible gardening there for just a few dollars). Rather than one or two decent vintage stores in every neighborhood, there is like one in each city here – which makes it hard for a gal who adores “old” things to refurnish her new home Also, craigslist isn’t being used much here and people NEVER seem to delete postings once something is sold! Arg… Isn’t there a “Craigslist Best Practices” guide somewhere???

3. Food. Well, this isn’t a complete “Con”: I tried one restaurant and I really liked it – The Hog Haus Brewery. I had a good “Moldy Fungus” burger with mushrooms and blue cheese, as well as very tasty sweet potato fries. Decent prices too. They are one of the only (or only?) microbreweries in town and I found a few in the sampler that I really liked. Chris didn’t, though, since he is a Bitters fan and they don’t brew that variety. BUT aside from restaurants I am really shocked at how few natural grocery options there are. There is one, to be exact. And its actually good, I mean for a Co-op it has a good variety (though not so much on meats, from others I have seen) and I certainly would want to support a local co-op so we did join up right away. However, the prices. Oh my. A 5 lb bag of organic apples is over 5 dollars! So, as you can imagine, I’m putting in a VERY big order from Azure Standard next week so I can stock up on stuff for the month (or 6 months!) and reduce my need for expensive apples (they must have seeds made of gold or some hidden toy inside…)

4. Corporate chains. Wow… it’s been a long time since I’ve seen so many corporate chains on one 3 mile stretch of a road. I am grateful that this is balanced with a few “city center” streets that seem to be thriving, with many locally owned restaurants and shops (including a used bookstore or two). If I stick to those streets, I start to feel like I’m in my element again and get inspired by the LIFE that surrounds me.

And now for some good news – Pro’s:
1. Church. We did visit Vintage Fellowship on Sunday and by and large we felt welcomed and among friends. We will continue to check it out and get involved in a small group soon too.

2. Family. It sure is different to have extended family around! This is practically a first for us and so far so good!

3. Sights. We’ve barely begun to get around and view “The Natural State” (aka Arkansas) but some things even on our drive to and from town are really pretty. Being at my aunts, on the top of a hill on a wooded 30?40? acre lot offers us the opportunity to open up the windows on the second floor in the morning and let the sun in, look out over a peaceful setting of rolling hills. We’ve been up close and personal with a family of deers that live in these acres, as well as an armadillo that Chris tried his very hardest to catch. We plan to visit Devil’s Den state park and Wedington Lake state park in the coming weeks for caves, fishing, trail and creek walking…

4. A new rental home. We are pretty certain about a new rental home we found (landlord just needs to get utilities turned on to check that pipes didn’t freeze during a stow storm 2 weeks ago, then we sign). It is an old (100 or more?) craftsman home with original wood floors in 2 of the 3 bedrooms and the long living room/dining room. Many large, original windows with original trim line the living room – lots of light and character. The kitchen is roomy as well, albeit cheaper tile, old original cabinets, and small, outdated appliances (but hey – its just a rental). The main perks to the place is that it does offer a 3rd small bedroom, carpeted, which overlooks the backyard with a large window. It is a perfect office and craft room. The older, big living room is darling and even features an entire wall with built in cabinets and bookshelves on either side of a storage bench/seating area, all built around the street facing window. I can picture afternoons spent on cushions people watching, knitting and reading from that window nook. There is a small, (tiny) front porch too. In the back, there is a fenced backyard that is looooong and holds lots of potential, including a storage shed with shelves, lights and electricity that is ideal for my bulk food storage, as well as an old city ally way on the property that is built up with old mason stones and filled in with topsoil for a long raised garden bed. The landlord is also a perk: a self-proclaimed “old hippie” who gave us the thumbs up on 4 backyard hens, raised vegetable beds in the front and back yard, AND the a-okay if I decide to do a waldorf-inspired playschool from the home as side income. We also get to pick out new paint colors and get to work making the house “ours”. We currently have no pets in this home but something tells me it won’t take long before we do… we are going to give a lot of thought to this, however, since we have family members who suffer dander allergies. Anyway, we’ll know about all of that this week once the pipes are checked and we sign the lease. We’ll likely begin going over there with our stuff from the storage pod next week and begin painting and building the beds, compost, and chicken tractor. Also, the neighborhood looks really darling. It’s pretty much a historic neighborhood – lots of old characteristic homes and the mark of “young families” such as wagons on the front porch, etc. It’s only one mile from Wilson Park and walkable/bikable to Dickson St. The end of our road even has two expensive cutesy antique stores on it. Oh, did I mention that the monthly rent is exactly what we budgeted for? 650 a month! Yay! SO – our plan is to stay in this home until we have saved up more and established good credit again, so that in the coming year or two (or 3?), we will be in a better place to find a more permanent “home” plan.

5. The town. It certainly does have that “where everybody knows your name” Cheers feel. For example, a girl who was in my group at church (they broke us up into groups for a little prayer time) bumped into me the next day at the brewery for lunch. She was so sweet and gave me her card with her contact info. A new friend? Then, when checking out at the Co-op, I discovered that my cashier had just moved to Fayetteville from Portland in December! She told me that while she misses the THINGS in Portland, she likes LIVING here. She also gave me her contact info, as well as a lead on a volvo mechanic her parents swear by named Gary. Well, low and behold, today we purchased a 98 Volvo Wagon and looked up a volvo mechanic in Fayetteville – who pops up but Gary’s Volvo. Ha! THEN, I was asking our new/future landlord about vintage shops and she tells me about a place in Prairie Grove I should check out. I mention that I need to get out that way anyhow, as I had found a family farm on a website that is out that way who cited that they use Weston Price nutrition principles at their farm (i.e. “Nourishing Traditions”). My landlord says, “You aren’t talking about So and So, are you?” YES! The very one. She knew them because she lives in Lincoln and this family has a booth in the Lincoln Farmers Market. She gave me their father’s phone number and said we’d “love them”. It’s just too funny to be in a town small enough for these things to happen, that even towns 45 minutes away, every body seems to know every body. It’s pretty cool.

6. Potential mom friends. I joined a yahoo group for NWA Natural Parenting and already there is a fermentation class in the works, to be more or less demonstrated by Yours Truly. Folks already scramblin’ for my kefir grains and kombucha scobies, lol. In addition, one mom gave me a tip on some local natural whole frozen chickens purchased for a few bucks a pound through the local monastery. AND, one mom posted today asking for some one to split a gallon of raw coconut oil in her next order of Mountain Rose Herbs! What’s so neat about all of that is that knowing such like-minded folks are here is helping me feel more like I am in the right place. It isn’t prolific like it is in Portland, which does make you take it for granted less and work harder to find those “gems” of places and foods to support nearby. It’s valuable to be in new places, to learn new things, to be in a less homogeneous area and stretch your own notions and ideals and bla bla bla. I’m looking forward to the brown grass turning green and for color and life to return to these foothills, though. When I start seeing bulbed flowers, hummingbirds and honeybees, (the world around me all prettied up for Spring), I’m sure things will only get better.

In conclusion: in all of FOUR days we have been here, we have already felt welcomed and a part of this community. We are putting down roots to hold us here awhile, but look forward to visiting friends and family across states in the year to come.

In the meantime, I just might have to open my own coffee shop and bakery to feed my habit

Had I known how 2010 would start out, I might have spent a little more time enjoying the “boring” aspects of our holidays.

Wow. Yeah. So…

I’ve been keeping some secrets from my blog readers at large, and for now, I still have to keep them! But I can share a little, and must, or I will begin to outgrow this humble little blog and be too far into another world to catch you guys up!

The last 3 weeks have been cra-HAZ-ee. A mixture of some of the most unexpected events to ever come our way, which truly spanned the spectrum of miracles and tragedies. We continue to “process” them all and hold so many in our hearts as we tredge on with life.

This week we finally zero’d in on some decisions about what our future holds and we felt strongly that us Ortecho’s had better get a move on. We have the opportunity to relocate right now; a window of time where Chris can look for work while we find more affordable housing elsewhere in the country that would also be more centrally located to loved ones (though we now have so many loved ones in Portland… *tear*).

A combination of events, circumstances, answered and unanswered prayers lead us to our first (and maybe only) stop along this next part of our journey: Fayetteville, AR.

When we first disclosed the news that we were moving to Arkansas, we got a lot of the same question we did when we picked Portland: “What’s in [insert location of your choice]???” with vague disdain and certain confusion

I think most of the people who know and love us well have come to see us as some brand of pioneers or globe trekkers at this latest surprising locale. Ah, but be that as it may, our hearts actually yearn to find “home” and settle down, and we wouldn’t be taking this step without some Hope that Fayetteville will fit the bill.

Our one-way tickets are booked for February 18th, (so soon!), and we began sorting through our clothing today (ah, the unhappy process of MOVING). I truly feel we are clinging to more than just our ideologies, more so to our FAITH in our loving Guidance and our new found sense of purpose and vision for our family unit. We trust that the light we have received for this next step is just enough to see us through. Sometimes the path we are on as a family creates in my mind’s eye an image of a trail in the darkness, complete with eery noises in the fog of a moonless night. But this latest stretch? It feels a little more like the dawning of a new day. It is the first crack of sunlight, chilly and quiet, when you spot the wildlife that comes out to graze and suck up the dew on long, unkept blades of grass.

Alright, alright, I’m at it again – getting way to allegorical

Deep breathes, simple prayers, belly laughs and cries of surrender seem to capture the mood of this stage. As we each adjust to another transition, we try to keep our sanity and sense of inner stillness.

And after all, what are we as humans if not explorers? Willing to go deeper, farther – within, without? Our family conversations these last few weeks are focused on the adventure that awaits us. Chris and I are excited to find new coffee shops, libraries, thai food, counselors, and of course, community. We are also wondering what God has up His sleeve with the close proximity this location puts us to my maternal family (who I was not raised around)! As for Ethan, he is excited to try out the caves and slip in bat poop (one of my memories when I visited Devil’s Den at age 7!) but when I told him about hiking around things called ticks and chiggers he declared: “I will NEVER go walking in the forest. EVER.”

So I may be more or less “around” these next few weeks as we attempt to get our “stuff” into a rubix cube of material things that can squeeze into a single storage pod for shipping. My heart is bursting with news and surprises and insights that are happening to me every day – but for now, I’ll hold them in and wait until the right time.

Until next time…

Oh and P.S.: I’m sporting dreads these days. No, really. Pictures coming as soon as I don’t look like a gnarly rufkin raised by wolves

The path I am on has recently taken quite a turn. Or maybe I just see it up ahead, but haven’t ACTUALLY changed course yet. Perhaps I’ve been on whatever trail this has been for so long that I have to keep rubbing my eyes as I approach the upcoming crossroads. Is that a mirage I see?!

These are some findings:

Life is very peculiar. There is so much to be suffered. So much heartache and confusion. Especially since moving to Portland, I have realized just how essential community is to overall mental and emotional health. There are times, seasons even, where being out here has felt poignantly lonely. But for the most part, we have found relationships of support, investment, respect, generosity and love. For that I am so grateful. For SO many things I have found on our most recent leg of the “path” here in Portland: I am grateful.

Life also contains so much joy, surprises, and sweet, simple moments of surrender and worship. What a trip!

And now, change is on the horizon. Life and decisions and freedom, too.

I have a vision of our family a few years from now: homesteading a little urban bungalow somewhere; me- getting slightly better at being energetic and patient as a work-at-home, homeschooling mom; Chris graduating – and more importantly, finding his passion; our children enjoying life and learning and play; our home a place of solace and rest balanced with joy and production, with our hens in the backyard, most of our property covered in food producing gardens, Ethan and Verity’s paintings scattered across the walls. The vision rocks me to sleep at night and soothes the hardest of times. I believe it is a gift from God to catch for yourself a vision for the future and feel even slightly hopeful about life not ALWAYS being how it is now

Very exciting.

Curious about Urban Homesteading? Here’s a great article. Gives me chills just reading it!

In the meantime, enjoy some recent snapshots of our family… there is never a dull moment:

This week (or month?) of restless nights spent going over and over how we will continue to make ends meet, of completely forgetting about our 7 year anniversary with so much on our minds, and of praying for the wisdom to take our next steps financially — in one day so much has changed.

Today my family went through something life changing which has brought us several steps closer to our family goals and vision of living in freedom, simplicity, and generosity.

We are currently: shocked, grateful, and hopeful. To say we feel blessed and humbled would be a huge understatement. The opportunities we now have that we were beginning to think we never would are closer to our reach and we just have to say PRAISE GOD like a southern baptist preacha!

I wish I could say more but I’ll leave it at this: Miracles are all around.

Brace yourself for a long post written by a lunatic who can’t sleep at 4:30 am.

I’ve been thinking this week about a particular conversation I had with some new sweet friends. They observed how odd it is to them that since moving to the Portland area they actually watch MORE TV, eat MORE fast food, and do more things out of convenience than they ever did in less progressive residences held previously. We talked about how in Portland, getting grass fed beef or raw milk from a local farmer isn’t such a novelty – in some circles its mainstream culture! Homeschooling, having all natural toys, example after example of how living in such a way is not special here, which challenges you, as a transplanted Portlander, to figure out what the real constructs of your value system is; do you do what you do because its trendy, because it sets you apart, etc — OR — do you do what you do because you value the earth and its inhabitants, you value nutrition and health, you value freedom and richness of educational options, so on?

In this conversation, some one remarked about how “living simply” is actually very complicated. You have to adjust to a whole new way of doing things. For us, living simply by having no car means we never have to worry when the Check Engine light is on. We never have to worry when we hear a funny sound. We don’t shell out $200 or more in gas and insurance each month. HOWEVER, living with no car is far from simple. Even in Portland.

To live without a car, for example, I must leave my house a full hour ahead of time to get to Ethan’s ice skating lessons. What would otherwise be a 10 minute drive, tops, becomes an Olympic endeavor to strap the baby on my back, brace the cold, often RUN out the door dragging Ethan along beside me to catch the MAX (only to, more often than not, barely miss it while waiting for the light to cross the street – thus being 15 minutes late despite my best efforts to leave an HOUR ahead of time.) Same thing goes for home school meetups, church on Sunday morning and other church functions through out the week. Outings, errands, and just plain ol’ shootin-the-breeze ventures will almost invariably FLOP without careful planning and purpose. Something like going all the way to Trader Joe’s for a more affordable load of groceries, but forgetting to get flea medicine for the cat at the pet store next door to Trader Joe’s is a tremendous oversight! You get all the way home and realize what you forgot to do and you might as well kiss your time goodbye because nothing is worth the 2 hour round trip again!

Or get this- going to the post office or finding a place to fax something. Oh my gosh. I can’t tell you how inconvenient it is along our common routes to do these things. A month ago I was set to fax a simple letter to my student loans lender in order to get my deferment processed, and you’d think in this day and age I could manage to get that accomplished in a MONTH but no, I haven’t. With two little kids, no vehicle, a job, homeschooling, and the bazillion things on my mind, finding a location to fax something has just not managed to stay in the forefront of my planning.

This is one reason that we are talking about owning a vehicle again, after 2+ years without. Also, the need we have for community while being so far from family is a pretty steep and crucial one — and the not having a car thing has been making it really difficult to participate in community. Hopping on the bike’s used to be a more viable option from our slightly closer-in locale, but a few miles out and an extra child and things get slightly more complicated – just enough to put that straw on the camels back. I feel like we’ve missed out on so much and have so few opportunities to get to know people in a church we’ve been going to for 2 years now. I can hardly ever make it to my favorite yoga studio, either, and I get free classes so – sheesh, what a bummer, right? I just can’t afford to lose the 2 hour bus ride round trip (when you have to take into account wait times) to a place that is less than 10 minutes away by car. But I digress…

There are other things, like eating organic and sustainable foods from local sources, that takes a large amount of intentionality despite that the efforts are in part fueled by the desire to live more simply. This week I took an hour or two comparing my organic produce buying options: this involved literally looking up the items on the produce bin that is delivered every 2 weeks to a cumbersome spreadsheet published by a distributor of large quantity/bulk produce from organic and NW growers, figuring out the unit price for each apple or pound of carrots, so I can effectively cost compare the options and make the right choice. When I order from Azure Standard or other food buying clubs, it takes time to figure out the savings involved in getting a 50 pound bag of rice verses a 5 pound bag of rice, deciding what we really need now and what we can wait on, yada yada yada. Like I said – these things can be complicated!

But what is interesting is that, of course, you do grow to see the extra hour it takes to get some where or the time spent planning bulk food buying as part of every day life. Some one from church a few weeks ago made the following comment to us: “I think about you guys sometimes and I always figure that for every 5 things I am doing each day, you guys can probably only get to like 2… which really makes me think about those extra 3 things my family does and whether or not we really need to do them!”

It’s true! We get a lot less done. lol No but really – sometimes getting to a place in life where things are simple and less dramatic takes concerted effort and — sometimes — blood, sweat and tears.

This aspect of my life lately has weighed on me as we discuss making some major changes. Not quite content with the way thing are going for us in Portland, this week we all but officially announced (that’s how sure we were) that we were moving to North Carolina as early as this Spring.

Yep, back up and read that again. We were practically CERTAIN we were leaving Portland. (And Chris is still sleeping – so he is still CERTAIN. But when he wakes up I’ll fill him in on the change of plans. )

Eventually relocating is still a possibility – actually it is pretty much inevitable. The combination of slightly pricier housing, lack of job market, and distance from family makes Portland a place that works for NOW, but not for EVER. Too bad too, because we love the city – its been a boot camp, a training ground, for so many lifestyle changes we wanted to make. It’s also been where we began recovery, started healing our marriage, had a baby, plugged into a home school group, so on and so forth. And if this week of research and planning has taught me anything, its that there ARE cities in the East that could suit us nicely. Carrboro, NC, for one.

However, our personal situation is, in some ways, quite unprepared to relocate. We have had something major to “do” for so long that staying put and dealing with everything that is catching up to us has been the very LAST thing we want to do. If we weren’t moving we were graduating or having a baby or something every year, something to press on, something to drive us forward to the next big crazy thing – sadly sometimes used as a nice distraction from the here and now.

The present is not something easy to sit in. Yoga reminds me of that. We set out with certain values and intentions and when the cast of characters and scenes becomes boring, tense, uncomfortable, frightening or disappointing, it is oh-so-tempting to place something before ourselves to reach for, to hope for, to work towards, to change things all up a bit.

(Briefly, this is also a theme of my homeschooling life right now. Reading about Steiner’s philosophies on the role of “inner work” – very good stuff and I’ll write more about that soon!)

My son is feeling the reprocussions of this not-so-pretty habit of mine. He asked me today to please stop changing things in his room and listed the various ways I have moved his furniture since we moved here nearly 10 months ago, lol. It’s true. The 10 x 10 room hardly gives me space enough to home school in and my discontent with supplying my child with a cramped basement room gives me cause to creatively unleash myself on its layout every few weeks. Poor kid!

As I continued to mull over this cross-country move, I finally just prayed for some direction. I laid in bed tonight and felt like the whole decision was confusing, not peaceful – not even very exciting. While coughing up a lung and unable to sleep, my restless mind churned the facets of our situation over and over until suddenly things began to get clear.

My roommate commented last night that for them, it is apparent that the two families are outgrowing the space. As much as I want to put a positive spin on everything regarding our community house (which I SO do that, constantly), I’d have to agree on some level. We set out to live amongst another family – to be in an intentional community. It pains me to realize how far we have strayed from those original goals – how we have kept to our corners, for no particular reason or starting point, exactly. I think the minute you replace “community” with “roommate” and see the home as simply a place to keep your privacy and split bills, it so easily becomes a situation where space feels limited and more and more of the home becomes “yours” or “theirs” instead of “ours”. Oh how I wanted this to be a place where my home schooling could thrive, where we broke bread together, where we all had a stocking on the fireplace and felt equally a part of something really special! I think for us, we really wanted something intimate and surrogate – something that had a lot of sharing of lives within the home, not just sharing the home. Maybe we can get back on track, if that is what both families want and need to do. Community living will always be something I want to embrace, regardless of the ideal space, ideal lifestyle similarities, etc etc. I guess if we all waited around for ideal, community would never really happen, would it?

This is yet one more great example of how this simple living thing is also very complicated and intentional! Community doesn’t just happen- it requires careful planning, lots of thought and prayer and talking and on and on. Real relationships must be nourished or else you turn around and the whole purpose has been lost. I know a few people going through divorces right now and I think the same thing. It takes a lot of work and time to cultivate the fertile soil on which a garden can flourish, (to make an analogy to gardening… hey, cut me some slack, I’ve been up since 4am!)

So here we are: where we never thought we would be. With the loss of Chris’ job we are forced to start filing bankruptcy while making plans for him to start school for his Masters. When I look at some of the facts of our situation, I feel pretty disheartened. Mainly because we tried to be diligent for so long – we always worked hard, we always paid our bills, somehow or another. It’s hard not to feel ashamed of how dismal things have become financially, but at the same time we are doing much better and more thoughtful and frugal things with our money than we ever have before. And while I don’t necessarily love this phase of our lives, one I might call “Recalibrating”, I do like the people we are, or at least who we are becoming. I like that our family loves each other, that we discourse about things that bother us rather than push them under the rug, that we band together when the going gets tough. Another wise friend told me a few weeks ago that these are the years we will likely be looking back on with much endearment in the future. How hard we struggled will be seen through rose colored glasses in light of the sweetness of all those good times we had while living on lentils

So here I am, over 2,000 words and 2 hours later (6am). The baby is up and growling. Chris is hitting the snooze on his alarm because he wants to get 5 more minutes of sleep. I suppose this is where the “in conclusion” part comes in… for those of you still reading!

In conclusion: I think we need to stay put. I think we need to deal with the bankruptcy, deal with the co-housing, deal with the vehicle, deal with the loneliness of not having as much of a community base. There are so many things to deal with – no more distractions. No more putting one foot in the next phase before we’ve completed the one we’re in.

The simple life we crave, one rich in quality time with each other and as few bills as possible, is – I am learning – not something we will come by in one new move, in one new house, in one new book, in one new baby, one new arrangement of a tiny bedroom, etc. We have to study produce spreadsheets, miss lots of buses, try out lots of living situations, deal with our debt, be content with smaller quarters, and face our giants squarely.

Deep breath. Now “publish”.

In our local home school group we are fortunate to have a healthy dose of diversity. We have families from all different religious/cultural backgrounds, including Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish and Agnostic. Personally, I celebrate that. I have found some really amazing mom friends in the group, people I would have never met had I only invested in my church community that is, for the most part, largely homogeneous (composed of mainly white, low-to-mid income, anti-mass church, fairly liberal, trendy, pipe smoking, wine drinking postmodernists and wanna-be-postmodernists and post-post-totally-over-it-modernists).

Family Art Night; Making Watercolor Wrapping Paper (baby asleep in background

Last week I went to a Hanukkah Party with our homeschool group during the day, and then celebrated Christmas with my church community that night. Ethan asked some interested questions about the two celebrations, questions that were, as usual, centered around Jesus and what He means to us, to others, etc. I am SO grateful to be having these conversations, to let his amazing little mind see the world as fluid and open and evolving.

Verity asleep by the electric fireplace in our room (yeah, it doesn’t get much chintzier than that!)

At the same time, I am grateful for my experience with God’s love, for the belief that Jesus is His son, yet one-in-the-same, and that through Him this crazy world that doesn’t make sense to me is comforted. When I listen to Christmas music this time of year, I’m not too jaded and cynical that I can’t still relish the words of adoration and praise. It resonates with my soul on the deepest level, deeper than anything else could possibly dare to reach.

Ethan painting a freezer paper stencil of his ladybug drawing onto his shirt

Again, for that I am grateful. I have had seasons of darkness and doubt, confusion and mistrust. Seasons where my “god” was deconstructed along with the pathetic portrayal of a life I had. Where I thought I had memories of life, (in my own denial), I was awakened to the contrast of death that was below the surface. Things I didn’t choose or deserve, yet there they were, in glaring reality that goes well beyond technicolor or high-def. Even in the confusion and anger at Him, I knew that He was a vital part of all that was happening. He’s in the Truth, He’s in the new found marital intimacy, He’s in the freedom and reality of husband’s (and mine’s) surrender. He’s in the miracle of my daughter’s birth, He’s the Protector of my little boy’s emotional development. The fact of our experiences with Jesus lead me to view this time of year with great, great joy.

Third Sunday of Advent

Growing up, I didn’t have Currier and Ives holidays with extended family and a house bubbling with merriment and myrrh. I admit, I would love to experience this picturesque holiday, and I might have come close a few times, but I think I’ve come to the point where I can also do without it.

Being in Portland has enriched our experience of times set apart for celebration and reflection with family. Striving to create a special experience for ourselves, particularly for Ethan, when extended family and friends with whom we have a rich history are 3,000 miles away has been really difficult but the challenge has been good.

Sweet happy boy

We’ve learned that Christmas can come and go without any visits to the mall or Target or whatever. We’ve dug in our heels with handmade Christmas, (Make Something Day, Advent Conspiracy, etc etc) and its producing a wonderful thing: an entire season of crafts and handwork and simplicity. This is our third Christmas in Portland, (and could in fact be our last if the economy here continues to make housing expensive and jobs scarce), so I am bittersweetly enjoying it. As always, we miss family and friends this time of year the most. Even in a place like Portland, and in a COMMUNITY house for goodness sakes, things are very quiet and lonely. Gotta keep the Christmas movies and music going to keep spirit’s high!

Ethan waking up from nap: hot cocoa and a painting session in mama/dada’s room!

Today, through coughs and illness, we are continuing our preparations. We have beeswax polish for Verity’s blocks and beeswax candles on the to do list, along with some decoupage. You can see some of our morning activities in the slideshow below – making scones and breads for soup!

Ethan and Chris christmas caroling in the rain

Later this week we’ll have ice skating and more crafts and knitting and sewing to finish up Christmas gifts. We also have very light homesteading duties this time of year: thawing the chicken’s water each morning and covering their run with a tarp at night — which is much easier than shelling out money for Paz’s (cat) vet visit this Friday. I am also placing an order with a new produce supplier to get organic produce directly from the distributor, with an average savings of 35% from the local grocery store (and hopefully our delivery bin as well). I’m crossing my fingers that the new method is cost effective and worth my extra time!

So, that’s an update, and hopefully more of a picture of how we view the holidays and happenings of Christmastime as a slightly unconventional Christian family:)

Here is a slideshow of still MORE pictures…

I feel this week as though so much has changed. A simple, yet profound, shift has taken place. Will it last? Dear God, I hope so.

First of all, I have home schooled. Really home schooled. It’s been a long time. Since before we moved into the community house nearly, what, 10 months ago. Does this mean we did worksheets, flashcards, field trips and quizzes? No.

This week: Ethan made bread. He made Advent candles. He started ice skating lessons. He watercolored his heart out. He played with his nature table for HOURS each day. He didn’t watch TV and stopped asking for movies. He started taking 1 hour naps at the same time each day. He started whining less. He started reasoning with himself rather than arguing with us for the heck of it. He didn’t fight much at bedtime. He used his imagination. He learned new songs. He played outdoor games. He fell more in love with his sister. He fell more attached to his stuffed dragon, Scorch (who now comes everywhere, even ice skating.) He also enjoyed mama’s raw milk hot cocoa every day after his nap. His low point was a boy fight with a friend on Monday – the next time he saw him, however, I heard him say, “Let’s not fight anymore, okay? I really want to play good with you.”

Another endearing thing he said: “Mama, wow. God gave you really special eyes. They are beautiful. Like the inside of kiwi berries.”

He’s ran up and hugged me out of sheer excitement and joy several times a day. We’ve bowed a namaste to each other to share a moment of appreciation, a new “bit” we share.

This week: I spent time with my son. I gave him my attention. I mustered up more energy. I took two yoga classes. I didn’t work much (sigh. the tradeoff? I hope not…). I knitted two waldorf wool gnomes and made one floor puppet waldorf doll for Christmas presents, purchased an amazing wooden kitchen set made just this week by a local grandpa woodcraftsman to gift my children with for Advent/Christmas morning, made lots of soup, made lots of simple oatmeal cookies, made my FIRST loaf of bread in the oven, finally ordered a copy of All Year Round, ice skated with my son for an hour, and oh so much more. When I wasn’t with the family I was either working or feverishly crafting for the holidays. It’s been a tad glorious.

I also moved to a new blog, but kept the archive for mamaneedjava. In many ways I had outgrown that skin. And staying in it was holding me back creatively. The theme was too scattered and it wasn’t growing with me as I’d hoped. The audience was scattered, too. As delicately as I can put this, I must admit that I am now writing for an audience of peers, not extended family members simply looking for an update on the kiddos.

You see, MamaNeedJava began as an experiment in three things: 1. to exercise my writing, 2. to record mine and my childrens’ happenings, and 3. to integrate all of the various aspects of myself, the different “parts” I show and play for different people in my life, into one open-book, transparent, what-you-see-is-what-you-get-Vivian. And I’m so glad I did; It was a great experiment. It DID do all of those things for me. It totally fulfilled its purpose.

But now its time to scale back. Now its time to be vulnerable and transparent, but with more freedom and purpose. I can send photos and updates via email, but here, at Mama Seasons, is where I journal. Here is where I explore my limits, reflect, and set intentions. I want Mama Seasons to be for me another yoga mat; a place all my own, where I can feel weighted as well as the weightless, where I can feel as small as a child and as strong as a warrior in a matter of moments, where I can even doze off if I want to. I want this blog to be a safe place for me to do all this. A place where insecurities of others isn’t blasted into my comments nor the concerns of well-meaning parents show up in my inbox. This isn’t the place for that anymore. This is more intimate, more private. Please respect.

This is the place where I walk the path, and where ever I am is okay. This is the place where I spot “findings” on the side of the trail and bring them here to share with the walkers beside me, in mutual appreciation for this journey’s highs and lows.

As I continue to format and update the new blog, enjoy old entries of MamaNeedJava (with a grain of salt ), and look forward to picturesque moments caught on camera, Advent thoughts and ideas, and other Mama Seasons findings for the month of December.

Homeschooling and I have had quite a year. We began strong, though somewhat unsure. Being new to homeschooling can feel a lot like arriving in a supermarket out of boredom… what to look at, what to buy, … not sure what I’m even doing here!

Then moving at 7 months pregnant and having Verity last Spring side-swiped our family routine quite a bit. So we took our “summer break” and started back up in July. Since I gravitate towards the unschooling philosophy/practice of homeschooling (which is, for me, essentially just real world learning as opposed to worksheets and stuff), it was easy to kinda just “go at it” and figure things out along the way. Yet this way of doing our day around “real world” learning only really happened when we were in the real world. The problem is that I work anywhere from 3-8 hours a day on my laptop, which doesn’t really lend itself to a natural learning environment for Ethan. It’s really hard!!! I think what is so hard about it is the actual switching off and on of different aspects of my brain and personality.

Like there’s supposed to be some “ON SWITCH” for creative, motherly, curious, playful, cooking, crafty, outdoorsy Vivian and another “ON SWITCH” for detail-oriented, techie, responsible, dependable, professional Vivian — yet I must confess that I am groping around in the dark basement for the circuit breaker box and CANNOT FIND IT! There are no switches; No easy way to go back and forth CONSTANTLY throughout my day.

Like other mother’s I battle the “mom brain”: I point at something and try to say “Put this over under the………….. thing…….ugh, you know……. um…….. the! ……. CHAIR! The chair! Can you put this under the chair?!”

This whole process of motherhood; the glaring limitations of knowledge, experience, intellect and energy, is exceedingly difficult when combined with the work-at-home-THANG. I’ll never candy coat it for ya- it’s damn hard!

But GOSH! I am so grateful. I am so grateful to be able to pay rent in a lovely house in metro Portland and afford to eat a large variety of incredible foods, all while being around my kids. The sheer fact that I can sleep in with Verity and nurse her all day – I will never take that for granted. And that I can find 30 minutes several times a day to go on a walk with Ethan or read books or whatever — that the vast majority of his rhythm and learning and life is being witnessed by his parents and not a stranger — MAN, I could (and do!) cry at the privilege of being home for these things.

I’m even MORE blessed that my husband is home with me! What a dynamic duo his presence here creates, as he does all the laundry and shares in diapers, dishes, and meals. I am so grateful for the help he gives me while I work, and so proud of him for his recent decision to go back to school to get an online masters degree while helping me at home.

In the meantime, I have been evaluating our days at home, analyzing (and sometimes agonizing!) over the precious and fleeting time we have — how to use it wisely, creatively and positively. It’s so hard to do this when I spend time on my laptop during the day. So hard that…

I’ve come to the conclusion that integrating my work life with my mother life all day long is not working for us, for now. I constantly feel that I am here — but not present. I spend too much time simply questioning my priorities and making the tough decision to figure out what to do next (that report waiting on me OR preparing lunch, painting with Ethan, going to the library…)

I know enough about myself to know that strict schedules and compartmentalizing my life don’t work either. So what is the happy balance? I don’t know. I know I just have to keep workin’ at it until something feels right. And maybe it will never feel PERFECT, but hopefully a little easier than this.

I want to try setting aside 2 days that are Chris’ days with Ethan, which means I can work all day. I plan to have these days be Tuesdays and Saturdays. Sundays will still be family day. But M, W, R and F will be for homeschooling during the day and working at night. That means I probably won’t even crack open the laptop during the day, because it always starts with 10 minutes and the next thing I know, 3 hours have gone by!

Because my personality leans towards sanguine and choleric, I tend to get very motivated and task oriented, yet easily diverted from one task to another and distracted with accomplishing something all the way to its end. I will walk into the bedroom to find a pair of scissors and the frame will catch my eye and I’ll decide it needs a new photo and then when I start looking at photos I decide I need to really scan these in and make back ups, and when I go to scan them in I decide I need to download better photo editing software, and then when I go online to search for the photo editing software I realize I need to … (this is a hypothetical but STRONGLY based on every day life!)

I know this. And I have to just laugh at myself and say, come on’, ol’ girl, get your act together!

All of these things play into how I spend my day as a work-at-home-mom. And when I try to let things happen naturally and have no plans or goals for my home life (i.e. what unschooling tends to look like for me since I have so much work to do), the energy just gets THAT MUCH MORE scattered. And then I’m not at all surprised when Ethan’s energy is that much more scattered!

So I need to get some discipline. Just a little. (Cause that word scares me from back in my legalistic conventional fundamentalist Christian days.)

To help me have a plan, a goal, a rhythm to our days (the days I am to home school as a stay-at-home-mom and not open my laptop), I have decided to bite the bullet and erg, eh, AGST, drats…

get some curricula. DUM DUMT DAH.

I think Ethan has long since been “ready” intellectually and socially for a kindergarten curricula… but here I must tread very, very carefully.

Because I believe that the best way kids learn is through play and narrative and natural every day learning. So I’m not getting workbooks, no. But SOME sort of guide for a year of kindergarten learning, nonetheless, for which we will begin after the Thanksgiving holidays.

What I’ll be doing is purchasing resources/lesson plans/etc within two of my favorite fields of homeschooling: Waldorf and Charlotte Mason.

Through the Waldorf curricula I hope to accomplish a weekly, monthly and yearly rhythm. Every Monday we bake bread, every Wednesday is painting day, so on… I also want to pick out and utilize the natural materials idea, which will help me get rid of a lot of “stuff” sucking up space in Ethan’s room. Because the Waldorf school believes children need simple, all natural materals, anything that is not wool, silk, wood, etc is not used, including polyester stuffed animals, so on. That is hard – even in Ethan’s room which is like 80% waldorf approved, lol. But I won’t go nuts. I believe there’s a lot of good stuff with Waldorf curricula, but I also believe reading is HUGE for Ethan — and so is some electronic mediums such as educational library videos or background music to set the tone for the activity. So Waldorf curricula, with its natural materials, beautiful daily rhythm, handwork and festivals is AWESOME – and I’ll use what I like and not beat myself up for not using what I don’t like! lol

With this new Kindergarten year (again, which I’m beginning for Ethan after Thanksgiving) I will also supplement with Charlotte Mason curricula, which sets the bar high for “living books” and emphasis on character building, reading, so on.

In addition, I’m considering registering Ethan (when he turns 5) for AllPrep. A friend has told me about this program, which is essentially homeschooling under the umbrella of a free charter school, but which scarcely involves itself in your homeschooling aside from supplying you with lots of resources which you can choose to use or not. One of which is a $500 credit to use at Village Home and another is FREE Rosetta Stone (language learning software that is really expensive!). For the Rosetta Stone stuff alone, I am seriously considering doing this next year, so we would be able to own the awesome resource (we would pick Spanish, of course, but many languages are available).

Ok, wow, I guess I could write about this stuff forever, heh? My little angel baby is awake now, very fussy from her teething ailments. Now that I’ve relieved my brain of some of these highly flammable thoughts, I better skiddaddle. Until next time…

Busy in some ways, not busy in others… restless mind today and lots of outings these past few days. Trying to remain in the present and not get too overwhelmed and/or hopeless about various situations in life. Note to self: So many wonderful things to notice about the here and now!!! My prayer is for gratitude and contentment…

Enjoy recent pics:

Sometimes I feel like the Grinch. A grumpy, cranky, irritated, impatient, selfish, angry old Grinch. Oh wait, that’s not just sometimes.

But, you see… it’s not Christmas that I despise. It’s not the noise of all the Who’s down in Whoville. It’s the noise of my life. The constant barrage of noise. Some of the noises aren’t even audible.

Yesterday we had the house to ourselves for the afternoon, the housemates out at their parents for the day to celebrate Halloween. I felt really excited about Halloween and very grateful for my family.

THEN…
The following took place within 5 minutes:

I sat down, happy as a clam, to start knitting a new project. The cast on was “provisional cast on” method, something new to me. I clicked on a little video to view the demonstration and I was a little baffled. Frustrated, I turned up the volume a bit and tried to concentrate a little harder. I had finally gotten Verity to sleep just minutes before and I could feel the familiar sense of impatience with myself creep up, knowing I had only so long to “myself” before she would wake up again, or Ethan would need something, or a chore would need to be done, or food would need to be made, or an event would need to be prepared for, … etc.

Ethan was watching a movie and apparently not so happy about things the fact that he could hear my 2 minute tutorial video from my laptop across the room. He started raising his voice asking me to turn it down so he could hear his movie. I was engrossed and determined to steal a few minutes for myself to learn something new, so I didn’t even register WHAT he was saying. All I could register was a whiney, demanding voice that was ruining my thought process (and what else is new?)!

To make sure he was heard, he got up from his spot and got right in my face, abrasively coming directly between my video and I, repeating like a broken record something about my video interrupting HIM!? (The nerve!!!) In a frustrated, Grinchy instant, I snapped. White flashed before my eyes and I stood up, raised my face to the sky like a wolf and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAACHED. An octave away from a dog whistle, let me tell you.

The baby woke up, of course. Ethan started crying and ran off to his room, of course. I felt like a total failure, of course. Chris looked at me like I was a wild woman, of course.

Emotional exhaustion is all that follows my Grinchy moments. It’s the pits. The worst feeling. I have to go back and smooth things over, explain, apologize, take responsibilty and make amends. Try to move on, try to start anew. And I’m always ten times harder on myself about it than anyone else is. The kids seem to have bounced back within seconds, while I am still realing over my mistake.

It seems only full-time, stay-at-home parents seem to be able to relate to the truly grueling job of 24/7 noise and needs. Those days that you have to take as long of a shower as possible because that is literally the only time you will have to yourself all day (or in a couple of days!!!) I can’t even begin to imagine the HOURS that other adults have to themselves. HOURS?!?!?!?! Um, am I green with envy yet?!?!?! You mean you can watch a movie without interruption? You mean you can drive somewhere and just listen to music? You mean you can read a book for more than 5 minutes? What is this life you speak of – IS IT REAL? Will I ever have it again?

It has been FOUR. LONG. YEARS. Four years of being around at least one young child for all or the vast majority of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Folks, I can’t even poop in peace. He will be barging in if I forget to lock the door or BANGING on the door if I remember.

Where are my boundaries, you might ask? Right where they should be, thankyouverymuch. I do tell him when I’m tired or when I’m angry. I walk away when I can take no more. I tell him I need space when I need a moments peace. I institute a “quiet time” every afternoon and on good days, he actually takes it willingly!

But then you throw a baby in the mix. Boundaries with a baby? LOL

And then you throw in a full-time work load FROM HOME.

And then you throw in chores, and meals, and counseling, and homeschooling, and outings, and… ???

The noise is constant. And in my worst moments, my response is utter Grinchyness. Suck. And the worst and best part is that I KNOW BETTER. I know I can choose my response, I know I can manage my feelings better. But practicing inner peace despite the crazy demands around you is an entirely different matter.

But let’s digress and move on to a related topic:

Today Chris and I got three GLORIOUS hours away from the kids, (whom we love so much and never want to leave them BUT boy are the breaks refreshing with a capital R!!!)

We signed up for a co-ed spa day at MamaZen. Three hours. Granted, the way there was stressful. We were late, trying to leave the babysitter with everything she would need for 4 hours with a nursing infant and 4 year old. We got on the bikes and raced the 4 miles or so to the yoga studio. It was hilly. I was out of breath, my thighs were screaming at me, and I was disgruntled and cold and pissed that I’m always late to things. Then Chris’ reflector broke and spewed out at me behind him. Everything took too long. I felt like a total idiot for the life I lead on my freaking flipping bicycle. F-bombs were murmered. Tears even escaped my eyes. Yep, lovely bike ride to spa day.

But don’t worry, it gets better.

Hour one: a yoga practice of extended, gentle poses and guided meditation, meant only to increase awareness and release tension, deepening into relaxation. The yogi had wonderful, beautiful things to say, things that seemed so poignantly related to my life. At one point he said, “We are always assuming that the harder we try, the better we are doing. But what about trying SOFT?” I wanted to cry. What am I paying a counselor for – this freakin’ yoga class was therapy!!!

Hour two: Tea service, complete with sandwiches and tea and mimosas. I cuddled up in my blanket in a chair next to Chris on the porch and zoned out, silent almost the entire hour.

Hour three: Seated in some kind of crazy ergonomic reclining chairs, we were covered with blankets in a circle in the room, a lavender eye pillow on our faces, hot peppermint tea refilled constantly on the night stand beside us. A LIVE HARPIST played soothing music and I just ZONED some more. I saw myself as a strong tree in the fall, allowing and accepting the autumn winds which would rid me of my weight, as the leaves fluttered effortlessly to the ground in time with the harpest’s music. I went deep into my thoughts for the first time in maybe 7 or 8 months. During this time we received hand and feet massages, and our time ended in upright position with hot salt mineral foot bath in a private bowl of pebbles and floating flowers. Nice…

Yes, it was back into the harsh reality of our life – hitting the bikes in the dark; very cold, to trek home. It was invigorating and I tried to welcome that, but my life is so stimulated and invigorating ENOUGH that it was hard to really embrace a cold bike ride home, even through beautiful neighborhoods and silent streets.

I sit here having a bowl of popcorn and a glass of red wine, trying for the first time in far too long to write out my feelings. But this post is pushing 1,200 words and I feel I must leave it here. I’ve recorded a little of my life and the rest will come, in time.