Since the start of tree pollen season here in NW Arkansas, I have been feeling way more drained and tired than usual. It didn’t help that this coincided with a week or two long teething spell for Verity! I was so sleep-deprived and discombobulated – it felt as though I had just had my wee one, only I couldn’t rest all day because I had two to run after and jobs to keep!

Towards this last weekend, I felt in despair. I thought something must be wrong with me – I have had no energy or attention span to work for more than about 2 hours a day, and I couldn’t focus on the kids very well either. Combined with dizziness while gardening and a few other things, I finally checked in with myself and began to get a regimen for getting back up to “speed”

With the help of some great advice from friends as well as a few chapters of The Fourfold Path to Healing; Working with the Laws of Nutrition, Therapeutics, Movement and Meditation in the Art of Medicine, I realized I need to revamp my dietary laziness. I’m following the recommendation in the book now, as much as possible: 40% animal source, 40% vegetable source, 20% grain source. The animal source must be raw as often as possible (raw butter, raw milk, etc) or pasture-raised fresh meats not cooked at too high a temperature (and bone broths, etc), the vegetable source can be only steamed or raw, and the grain source (and legumes, nuts, etc) must be properly soaked or sprouted.

What does that all have to do with sleep, you ask? Well, you’ll have to get the book or begin following Weston Price literature to get the nitty gritty. In the nutshell, however; eating this way means you are giving you digestive system foods it can properly break down, leaving your body with more energy for the other systems and functions (including brain — hormone! — function). I already eat only organic produce, pasture-raised meat, and unrefined foods. But what I don’t do enough is soak and sprout. Maybe once a week for a split pea soup or black bean side, but otherwise I bake with whole wheat pastry flour, etc. I do get sprouted sandwich bread and sourdough artisan bread, however, because I already had a gist for the logic behind it. What I didn’t understand is was how much I needed to eat, what percentages, and how those 2 or 3 days of eating a muffin and a coffee or something similar was contributing to my low energy level and moods. Man, you slack off just a bit and WHAM, teething, allergies, illnesses – (”I get knocked down, but I get up again!”)

Moving on!

Another thing I changed a few days ago was my sleep pattern. I never take naps, and I rarely fall asleep before 1am. I also can’t fall asleep for at least 30 minutes. Then I nurse a few times in the night and wake up around 8am feeling like I just went to bed. I am not a morning person, never have been. I feel cranky and ethereal for a few hours and can barely function until I have some protein in my breakfast (bowl of cereal = raving lunatic. poached egg on steamed kale = happy mama.)

On Mother’s Day, I took for myself a rare treat. A nap. What was odd, to me, was that I felt tired again early that night and crashed about an hour earlier than usual. Then Chris let me sleep in on Monday morning and do you know when I woke up? 10 o’clock! This was more sleep than I have had in a span of DAYS this year. And finally, I didn’t feel guilty about it – I didn’t fret over all the things I didn’t get done because I was asleep. Instead, I felt calm (no! getting sleep helps you feel calm! Say it isn’t so!) and trusted that this is what my body needed to do to recuperate. If that means I get behind on a few things, maybe those things weren’t that important. Also, maybe I’ll have the attention span and energy to finish them better and faster once I’m rested. For a few days now, I’ve taken naps (which, according to this article, DOES make folks learn better and increases memory function) and getting to bed before midnight. Already, the quality of my waking is more alert and energized. Halle-flippin-lujah!

I should add that I’ve also been more conscientious about taking my fermented cod liver oil (SO important, esp for pregnant/nursing mama’s!) and adding to it a range of therapeutic essential oils to support my immune and digestive system. Also back on the bandwagon is my use of lacto-fermented beverages. I’ve been drinking my homebrewed kombucha daily but slacked off on my kefir smoothies. Until I read that the recommendation for me to fight fatigue is also to drink less water (flushes gut with water – not letting stomach vile do its job in digesting the food) and more lacto-fermented liquids instead (kefir smoothies, yum!)

So I’m going to continue this super nourishing diet, extra sleep to support that I nurse all night still (attachment parenting, respond respond respond! ), and cod liver and essential oils supplements. Besides being a little more energized, calm, and alert, my skin is less red and rashy (woo hoo!). I’ll touch back after a few weeks and let you know if anything else is changing.

THIS is what I love about allowing negative emotions to come to the surface, yet having the perspective that they are not evil or wrong or stupid, but just a message. A message to make a change and shift your priorities. The few weeks of fatigue and restlessness and worry prompted me to take the time to do some soul searching. I journaled about some things I need to do, including getting alone and girl time each week, starting yoga again, along with the diet change and more sleep. I prayed about some of these things, in particular that I would find a good Vinyasa yoga class in Fayetteville, and low and behold, today I was at the co-op and saw a flyer on the bulletin about a new 6 week series for Vinyasa flow. It’s on Sunday afternoons, a great open time block for me, and not very expensive either. I’m soooo relieved!

After a good night’s sleep, I also emerged with some answers to things that were bothering me. Career changes/ timing, Chris’ joblessness, the kids, so many things. What was clear to me when I awoke was this: I need to focus on my faith, writing, art, and family. Period. The financial situation will iron itself out, likely in a way that I can’t even foresee right now. But having mini-breakdowns every week because there is no time for the things my heart and mind is needing more of is making me less productive and less joyful, more tired and more stressed out.

The blog, something I was ready to give up for lack of time to commit to it, might end up sticking around, if only for a place to share my thoughts. I’ll be taking a writing course with my neighbor soon (who actually named herself Ryder – cause she is a writer – which I think is so bold it’s cute). Next I want to take some watercolor courses. I’ve always felt really dyslexic when it comes to watercolor as a medium, and I want to remedy that.

Oh! And I’ll be hosting a summer reading group (through Vintage) to discuss the book “Radical Homemakers; Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture“. Can you see a theme here? Doing things good for my soul, learning to let go of roles I don’t need to cling to anymore, taking a leap of faith – eventually hoping to be more generous and infectiously joyful in a world so riddled with greed, fret, and hopelessness. Wish me luck

Well, I won’t go on – this is getting rather long. And I have a playdate, so…

Be the Light,

Mama

When I give a whistle, here me shout!

Phew, does any one else feel like the compression in their brain is reaching the “red” territory and sirens are going off with weird “Lost” voice WARNING alarms??? Or — is that just me?

For now, I don’t know how to catch up this blog and it’s readers because I am still not at liberty to reveal the details of the journey I am on. In fact, I won’t be “in the clear” to do so for several months! Kinda agonizing for me to not get this out there for processing, actually — but I’m trying to see it as a lessons in keeping some things private

Suffice it to say, we have lots of decisions to make. I am having to learn all kinds of stuff right now, like a crash course in the grown-up-world (which I have in many ways been too stuck on “survive” to take part in for many years!) Arg, again, I would like to say more about that but trust me, the time will come.

I can feel myself being propelled forward by necessity and desire, yet at the same time that Still Small Voice and many wise friends/family remind me to take this slooooowwwwwwww. I can’t even describe what mixture of feelings and thoughts run through me in the course of a single day lately. I am burdened for they heavy, heart-breaking circumstances happening in the lives of people I love right now. I am struggling to stay present in my own life, (work, homeschooling, marriage, cooking, laundry) while at the same time doing the very real and necessary steps of future planning. As a plan unfolds before me, I feel at first relieved that it is there and then quickly that relief is replaced by the uncertainty of still more unanswered details. (You can relate, heh, Maw Maw?!)

Staying present is SUCH a practice in surrender — and I for one SUCK. AT. IT. Choice is at once liberating and a weighty responsibility — which must make me sound like such a preteen, lol, but it’s true.

Will my family flow gracefully into this next chapter? What hiccups will interrupt our song? What fallen trees will litter our road? Can we “let go and let God”? Can we trust that He is holding on to our loved ones during a time when we are helpless to be of any practical service to them?

Oh, I am just not cut out for life on earth!

And now I am going to spout off words to let off mental steam (tip me over and pour me OUT!):

settling, creditors, SEP, liability, CD, HSA, taxes, jobs, unemployment extension, wagon, reliability, mileage, towing, u-haul, Upstate, budget, giving, saving, credit score, lease, waiting, goals, waldorfing, masters degree, FAFSA, 2 hour yoga class from which EVERYTHING HURTS, fermented, bulk buying clubs, homeschool group let downs, postpartum, mental health, new mexico, job loss, unusable ankle, recovery, counseling, identity, homesteading, solar powered, first time homebuyers programs, dreads, new city, new friends, new neighbors, new church, new farms, new home, new yard, new chickens, new beds, new life — old habits?, JESUS!, decisions, liver and egg yolks.

I feel this week as though so much has changed. A simple, yet profound, shift has taken place. Will it last? Dear God, I hope so.

First of all, I have home schooled. Really home schooled. It’s been a long time. Since before we moved into the community house nearly, what, 10 months ago. Does this mean we did worksheets, flashcards, field trips and quizzes? No.

This week: Ethan made bread. He made Advent candles. He started ice skating lessons. He watercolored his heart out. He played with his nature table for HOURS each day. He didn’t watch TV and stopped asking for movies. He started taking 1 hour naps at the same time each day. He started whining less. He started reasoning with himself rather than arguing with us for the heck of it. He didn’t fight much at bedtime. He used his imagination. He learned new songs. He played outdoor games. He fell more in love with his sister. He fell more attached to his stuffed dragon, Scorch (who now comes everywhere, even ice skating.) He also enjoyed mama’s raw milk hot cocoa every day after his nap. His low point was a boy fight with a friend on Monday – the next time he saw him, however, I heard him say, “Let’s not fight anymore, okay? I really want to play good with you.”

Another endearing thing he said: “Mama, wow. God gave you really special eyes. They are beautiful. Like the inside of kiwi berries.”

He’s ran up and hugged me out of sheer excitement and joy several times a day. We’ve bowed a namaste to each other to share a moment of appreciation, a new “bit” we share.

This week: I spent time with my son. I gave him my attention. I mustered up more energy. I took two yoga classes. I didn’t work much (sigh. the tradeoff? I hope not…). I knitted two waldorf wool gnomes and made one floor puppet waldorf doll for Christmas presents, purchased an amazing wooden kitchen set made just this week by a local grandpa woodcraftsman to gift my children with for Advent/Christmas morning, made lots of soup, made lots of simple oatmeal cookies, made my FIRST loaf of bread in the oven, finally ordered a copy of All Year Round, ice skated with my son for an hour, and oh so much more. When I wasn’t with the family I was either working or feverishly crafting for the holidays. It’s been a tad glorious.

I also moved to a new blog, but kept the archive for mamaneedjava. In many ways I had outgrown that skin. And staying in it was holding me back creatively. The theme was too scattered and it wasn’t growing with me as I’d hoped. The audience was scattered, too. As delicately as I can put this, I must admit that I am now writing for an audience of peers, not extended family members simply looking for an update on the kiddos.

You see, MamaNeedJava began as an experiment in three things: 1. to exercise my writing, 2. to record mine and my childrens’ happenings, and 3. to integrate all of the various aspects of myself, the different “parts” I show and play for different people in my life, into one open-book, transparent, what-you-see-is-what-you-get-Vivian. And I’m so glad I did; It was a great experiment. It DID do all of those things for me. It totally fulfilled its purpose.

But now its time to scale back. Now its time to be vulnerable and transparent, but with more freedom and purpose. I can send photos and updates via email, but here, at Mama Seasons, is where I journal. Here is where I explore my limits, reflect, and set intentions. I want Mama Seasons to be for me another yoga mat; a place all my own, where I can feel weighted as well as the weightless, where I can feel as small as a child and as strong as a warrior in a matter of moments, where I can even doze off if I want to. I want this blog to be a safe place for me to do all this. A place where insecurities of others isn’t blasted into my comments nor the concerns of well-meaning parents show up in my inbox. This isn’t the place for that anymore. This is more intimate, more private. Please respect.

This is the place where I walk the path, and where ever I am is okay. This is the place where I spot “findings” on the side of the trail and bring them here to share with the walkers beside me, in mutual appreciation for this journey’s highs and lows.

As I continue to format and update the new blog, enjoy old entries of MamaNeedJava (with a grain of salt ), and look forward to picturesque moments caught on camera, Advent thoughts and ideas, and other Mama Seasons findings for the month of December.

Well, I’ve done it again.

Blame it on the illness. Blame it on the rain outside. Blame it on the lack of work today. Who knows. But I decided to whip out my next project and learn to make…

THAI FISHERMAN YOGA PANTS!

I’ve been a fan of these pants for awhile, my roommate Lacey had a few and I kept thinking how comfy and forgiving they look but I didn’t want to pay for them. They are all OVER Etsy but I just didn’t want to dish out the dough.

So what does mama do instead? Makes them herself!

I found this pattern (3/4 down the page) and marked up some pattern fabric (see how much I DON’T know? I don’t even know the proper name for that stuff!). I fired up my 20 or 30 year old free Kenmore sewing machine. And, well, the rest is history.

They turned out great! I’m so glad I took the time (ahem 5 hours) to make my first ones properly. I made the first in dark green organic cotton. Delicious! I plan to make a stencil painting on the legs too!

Oh, you want to know the best part? These pants are one size fits all. Hubby looks FANTASTIC in them and now has some pants to wear to Couples Yoga!

Okay, so these are the second pair in cotton with a pretty pattern. These only took about an hour, maybe less actually…

They start like this. (No, this is not my “I’ve lost 60 pounds” Subway shot )

Then you fold one side. Then the other, and you tie the belt in the front.

Then you fold over the top.

Then you strike a pose.

Then you do a Napoleon Dynamite. (round house kick to the face.)

You like?

Sometimes I feel like the Grinch. A grumpy, cranky, irritated, impatient, selfish, angry old Grinch. Oh wait, that’s not just sometimes.

But, you see… it’s not Christmas that I despise. It’s not the noise of all the Who’s down in Whoville. It’s the noise of my life. The constant barrage of noise. Some of the noises aren’t even audible.

Yesterday we had the house to ourselves for the afternoon, the housemates out at their parents for the day to celebrate Halloween. I felt really excited about Halloween and very grateful for my family.

THEN…
The following took place within 5 minutes:

I sat down, happy as a clam, to start knitting a new project. The cast on was “provisional cast on” method, something new to me. I clicked on a little video to view the demonstration and I was a little baffled. Frustrated, I turned up the volume a bit and tried to concentrate a little harder. I had finally gotten Verity to sleep just minutes before and I could feel the familiar sense of impatience with myself creep up, knowing I had only so long to “myself” before she would wake up again, or Ethan would need something, or a chore would need to be done, or food would need to be made, or an event would need to be prepared for, … etc.

Ethan was watching a movie and apparently not so happy about things the fact that he could hear my 2 minute tutorial video from my laptop across the room. He started raising his voice asking me to turn it down so he could hear his movie. I was engrossed and determined to steal a few minutes for myself to learn something new, so I didn’t even register WHAT he was saying. All I could register was a whiney, demanding voice that was ruining my thought process (and what else is new?)!

To make sure he was heard, he got up from his spot and got right in my face, abrasively coming directly between my video and I, repeating like a broken record something about my video interrupting HIM!? (The nerve!!!) In a frustrated, Grinchy instant, I snapped. White flashed before my eyes and I stood up, raised my face to the sky like a wolf and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAACHED. An octave away from a dog whistle, let me tell you.

The baby woke up, of course. Ethan started crying and ran off to his room, of course. I felt like a total failure, of course. Chris looked at me like I was a wild woman, of course.

Emotional exhaustion is all that follows my Grinchy moments. It’s the pits. The worst feeling. I have to go back and smooth things over, explain, apologize, take responsibilty and make amends. Try to move on, try to start anew. And I’m always ten times harder on myself about it than anyone else is. The kids seem to have bounced back within seconds, while I am still realing over my mistake.

It seems only full-time, stay-at-home parents seem to be able to relate to the truly grueling job of 24/7 noise and needs. Those days that you have to take as long of a shower as possible because that is literally the only time you will have to yourself all day (or in a couple of days!!!) I can’t even begin to imagine the HOURS that other adults have to themselves. HOURS?!?!?!?! Um, am I green with envy yet?!?!?! You mean you can watch a movie without interruption? You mean you can drive somewhere and just listen to music? You mean you can read a book for more than 5 minutes? What is this life you speak of – IS IT REAL? Will I ever have it again?

It has been FOUR. LONG. YEARS. Four years of being around at least one young child for all or the vast majority of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Folks, I can’t even poop in peace. He will be barging in if I forget to lock the door or BANGING on the door if I remember.

Where are my boundaries, you might ask? Right where they should be, thankyouverymuch. I do tell him when I’m tired or when I’m angry. I walk away when I can take no more. I tell him I need space when I need a moments peace. I institute a “quiet time” every afternoon and on good days, he actually takes it willingly!

But then you throw a baby in the mix. Boundaries with a baby? LOL

And then you throw in a full-time work load FROM HOME.

And then you throw in chores, and meals, and counseling, and homeschooling, and outings, and… ???

The noise is constant. And in my worst moments, my response is utter Grinchyness. Suck. And the worst and best part is that I KNOW BETTER. I know I can choose my response, I know I can manage my feelings better. But practicing inner peace despite the crazy demands around you is an entirely different matter.

But let’s digress and move on to a related topic:

Today Chris and I got three GLORIOUS hours away from the kids, (whom we love so much and never want to leave them BUT boy are the breaks refreshing with a capital R!!!)

We signed up for a co-ed spa day at MamaZen. Three hours. Granted, the way there was stressful. We were late, trying to leave the babysitter with everything she would need for 4 hours with a nursing infant and 4 year old. We got on the bikes and raced the 4 miles or so to the yoga studio. It was hilly. I was out of breath, my thighs were screaming at me, and I was disgruntled and cold and pissed that I’m always late to things. Then Chris’ reflector broke and spewed out at me behind him. Everything took too long. I felt like a total idiot for the life I lead on my freaking flipping bicycle. F-bombs were murmered. Tears even escaped my eyes. Yep, lovely bike ride to spa day.

But don’t worry, it gets better.

Hour one: a yoga practice of extended, gentle poses and guided meditation, meant only to increase awareness and release tension, deepening into relaxation. The yogi had wonderful, beautiful things to say, things that seemed so poignantly related to my life. At one point he said, “We are always assuming that the harder we try, the better we are doing. But what about trying SOFT?” I wanted to cry. What am I paying a counselor for – this freakin’ yoga class was therapy!!!

Hour two: Tea service, complete with sandwiches and tea and mimosas. I cuddled up in my blanket in a chair next to Chris on the porch and zoned out, silent almost the entire hour.

Hour three: Seated in some kind of crazy ergonomic reclining chairs, we were covered with blankets in a circle in the room, a lavender eye pillow on our faces, hot peppermint tea refilled constantly on the night stand beside us. A LIVE HARPIST played soothing music and I just ZONED some more. I saw myself as a strong tree in the fall, allowing and accepting the autumn winds which would rid me of my weight, as the leaves fluttered effortlessly to the ground in time with the harpest’s music. I went deep into my thoughts for the first time in maybe 7 or 8 months. During this time we received hand and feet massages, and our time ended in upright position with hot salt mineral foot bath in a private bowl of pebbles and floating flowers. Nice…

Yes, it was back into the harsh reality of our life – hitting the bikes in the dark; very cold, to trek home. It was invigorating and I tried to welcome that, but my life is so stimulated and invigorating ENOUGH that it was hard to really embrace a cold bike ride home, even through beautiful neighborhoods and silent streets.

I sit here having a bowl of popcorn and a glass of red wine, trying for the first time in far too long to write out my feelings. But this post is pushing 1,200 words and I feel I must leave it here. I’ve recorded a little of my life and the rest will come, in time.

I have been at a loss these last few weeks – a loss of what to share with you all. Not just on the blog but often in person as well. I feel like all the little munchkin workers running the factory inside my brain have all caught a cold; Everything is a little slower. Harry called in sick and Margaret is complaining about her migraine. Come on, Brain People, get to work!

I have tried a few times to bring you a new and interesting post, and each time I managed to get my wheels turnin’, my brain just said, “fart.” I’m not even kidding. I wish I were. I even think what came out had a bit of foul odor.

Is it motherhood? The constant lack of quality sleep? The ferocious amount of mental energy it takes to keep all the balls spinning on each and every finger of my hands (and the one I balance on my head too!)?

It’s not that I haven’t had anything on my mind, though. Just the opposite. SO.MUCH. Where to begin? How to carefully divulge — with what amount of vulnerability am I willing to risk?

On one hand, I could start and end with the daily hum drum of my life: What I did this week, how yoga is going, how my diet is going, how my marriage is going, how the kids are doing, how homeschooling is going, how work is going.

To all those questions, I would describe things as “just fine!” Nothing newsworthy, which is often a good thing. The week has been fairly balanced, I am still loving yoga even though I wanted to cry when my body would not do an inversion in dolphin position this week (don’t you love how yoga brings out those emotions, showing us how hard we can be on ourselves?!) I’m eating well enough. My marriage is having a good week, we’ve talked a lot and bla bla bla. The kids are good, though Ethan still drives me absolutely bonkers. (The phase he is in is the “DEMANDING” phase. Holy cow. Talk about stressful.) As you could see from my last post, Verity is doing great, already crawling and getting into every little thing. Homeschooling is a lot more like “unschooling” these days since I have been working quite a bit. Last week we went with the homeschool group to the Sauvie Island pumpkin patch and today was the Halloween Party (Chris, Misty and I went as Bollywood stars, Ethan was an alien — thanks to the crazy mother who stayed up all night knitting him a green hat to make into an alien costume…). Work is work. Between 3 clients and another 3 folks I “barter” my services for, things are busy, busy, busy. I’d say the category of “work related” stuff I do each week is teetering on over-time (i.e. 40+ hours/wk), simultaneous with my work as a mom/wife (160 hours/wk). I just keep telling myself that one day, rest will come. One day, the kids will be a little older. One day, Chris will bring in more income. One day. And I don’t say that in a woah-is-me voice, either. I truly am hopeful for that one day. If my dad harped on anything, it was the phrase, “This too shall pass.” Sweet Jesus, how true.

Then there’s all of those thoughts and questions which my mind just turns and turns and turns, until everything inside it is sweet n’ creamy butta, baby. Short and long term financial goals, mine and Chris’ strengths and weaknesses, personal triumphs and failures, which learned roles I take on that I really don’t have to, why I so easily slip into survival mode, why I can’t let go, where we’ll all be in 5 years, will Ethan and I ever be close again, will I ever be able to homeschool the way I want to, why I feel the need to not just deliver but IMPRESS, why I’m all of a sudden disgruntled with our choice to be carless, why we are always broke within a week of a paycheck,… all of these and so, so much more.

More things like new herbs I’ve learned about, new projects I’m knitting, how our new homegroup is growing, if and how I fit into the body of Evergreen Community, my frustration at the sewing machine for wrecking up the pillow covers I’m sewing –

WILL IT JUST SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT I’VE GOT A LOT OF POTS ON THE STOVE?!

Yep. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

This has become a novel, hasn’t it? One big brain fart of a novel. And I didn’t even tell you the details of what I got out of the Betrayed, Redeemed Conference last weekend or anything else of significance in my life lately. I guess I’ll just save that all for a rainy day.

K, I just looked outside so I’ll rephrase that: save that all for a DIFFERENT rainy day.

Cheers, and happy almost- all saints day (stole that off of 30 Rock last night. That and “Good God, your breath! When did you have time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach!” …Ha! Cracks me up…)

I’ve been trying to stay ahead of a cold for about a week or so now. It’s been fairly easy, but I can feel my body fall behind it a bit when I get too little sleep or eat something sugary, which I did the last two days in a row (darn that new bakery and their delicious coconut macaroon!) … (and darn that the movie “Away We Go” was so darn cute that I stayed up til 2am to watch it!)

So I’m slowing down. I’m sipping “Tonic” tea, a blend from the Alberta Co-Op that includes green tea with herbs and spices like cardamom, ginger, cinnamon, mullein (great for sinuses), cloves, etc. My raw honey mask is on my face and I might rub some essential oil into my feet before bed too. I need to sleep deeply tonight.

Speaking of sleep, I have a post coming all about the different herbs traditionally used for sleep and relaxation aids, so you have that to look forward to.

In the meantime, the NoPo (north portland) Home Group harvest party kickoff was at our place tonight and we squeezed into our living room. It was really encouraging to hear where everyone was coming from and what they wanted out of it: authenticity, real relationships, friends, spiritual depth. There was an agreement that we would not do workbooks or sign agreements in our group. Ever. Instead we’ll do potluck dinners twice a month and a movie night once a month (”film and theology” – esque). I’m really looking forward to getting to know this group of folks over the next year…

I’m feeling emotional better than Sunday, but still kinda hormonal. I think it has to do with lack of sleep more than anything, though there are certainly some heartaches I am enduring from time to time. It’s like how sometimes an aspect of living is really grueling but in the larger scheme of things its all going in a positive direction.

I was thinking about that today, when I was changing Verity’s diaper. She was wailing and so upset with me because she was also very hungry, but I knew that I had to endure that so when she DID get to nurse her diaper would be clean and she could fall asleep, rather than half comfortable with poop stuck to her butt. I know only a mom would get that, lol, but I seriously thought about how God must feel that way with us sometimes! I can certainly be like the wailing, hungry infant who can’t see the logic in getting my diaper changed And the air on my butt is so cold!!! WAHHHHHH!!!

Back to my tonic, my work, and eventually, my SLEEP! Yoga class tomorrow morning, thankyoujeebus.

Everyday I work out the kinks of my life;
Breathe into them, feel them loosen.
It’s hard work, all this working.

Sometimes I grumble and complain.
Sometimes I boast in my own capabilities.
Sometimes I just fall over and give up.

I work out the kinks of my career,
learn new things that make my brain want to POP.
I work out the kinks of my heart,
learn new things that make my soul want to POP.

Even rest often feels like work:
taxing, stretching, challenging, moving, producing.

Today my work looked like this:

The challenge of getting myself and two young kids
ready to brace a chilly Fall morning, then
– catch the MAX, transfer to the bus –
Go to a yoga class,
Have a work meeting through lunchtime,
Carry my 20 pound baby 4 miles home because we don’t have change for the bus.
Break up the cock fights that burst forth every 2 minutes between Chris and Ethan,
Convince everyone to be civil,
Lose my civility by the 3rd mile (survival now: LET’S JUST MAKE IT HOME!)
Home for dinner: feed the baby, feed the preschooler, feed the husband, feed the mommy.
Get Ethan showered, Get baby showered, Get mommy showered.
Read 2 books, kiss Ethan goodnight.
Nurse for the umpteenth time today.
Work another few hours on random projects that have been on the backburner for friends.
Try to get to sleep at a decent hour…

Tomorrow work might look different:
a 9am – 2pm shift on the laptop,
learning things that make my brain want to go POP.
Followed by
grocery shopping,
cooking,
hosting a Harvest Party for our newly forming homegroup…

The next day, work will look different again, and then again…

Mixed through all of this work is internal work: prayers, self-talk, counseling, relationship building…

Even sleep is work: I work away the tensions of the day, I wake to nurse several times, I soothe a stuffy nosed baby, half-asleep rocking upright on my bed until she falls back asleep…

This is a season, a season for lots of hard work. They come, they go. Maybe winter will be restful: lots of painting, journaling, knitting, naps…

Since there are a teeny tiny few things on my mind between work this week, I will fill you in on what exactly those things might be.

First, YOGA. MamaZen (and if you scroll the pics, I’m actually in a few of them, can you guess who I am?) Have you heard enough about them yet? Well, in 3 weeks doing their practice 2 times a week and a home practice daily, I have lost 7 pounds. Yes, I’ve also been eating a highly nourishing diet like I described here. With some cookies on the side Anyway, I love them (mamazen). I’ve been feeling myself grow more strong and toned, which is a boost to the self-confidence after your body is wrecked by childbirth! My energy and spirits have been up, which is a very good thing given that my daily life with the kids, work, and marriage in recovery is DRAINING to say the least. Here are some of my favorite poses that have been helpful in conjunction of course with a rhythmic breathing through holding the poses (til I am burning and sweating and think my muscles can take it no longer ) These images are from the “sequence” I built using the handy home practice builder on yogajournal.com.

Second, speaking of energy and spirits (no, not THAT kind. Though a good mojito now and then doesn’t hurt), I will be adding some essential oils (PDF) to the family’s general well being very soon. Young Living, if you haven’t read all about it over at the experts blog, aka my roomate Lacey, is a therapeutic grade oil (as opposed to basic aromatherapy oils “over the counter” whose process of refinement destroys most if not all of the medicinal properties of the original plant). I’ve been using Lacey’s stash here and there with excellent results and lately benefited even further from the essential oil “adjustment” the yoga instructor gives everyone while in Savasana at the end of the practice. Since the weather is turning and having certain oils burning in the electric burner have been a major relief for us battling seasonal depression through the winter months, I’ve decided to get a few from Young Living for skin application that are meant to aid in processing emotions, so on. I’ve encouraged Lacey to write more about this line in her blog so keep checking her out for the real low down

Next on the list: skin. I’ve been hoping for some skin change since eating such reduced carbs and sugars, adding anti-inflammatory foods, and practicing yoga. I’ve been drinking tea each day with beneficial herbs (like dandelion root to support the liver and a few others) and of course doing the plethora of probiotics found in kefirs and kombucha. While I noticed my skin was not getting WORSE, it wasn’t getting too much better (yet, I mean its only been 3 weeks though!). But here’s where things get interesting. I remembered reading about an anti-inflammatory, anti-bacterial raw skin mask you can make at home from raw unfiltered honey and spices like turmeric, cloves and cayenne. I hadn’t tried it yet but while in Chicago my colleague and I were talking about raw honey and she pointed out that she has a one week shelf life, refrigeration only honey mask she finds at Lush. Sure enough its got those ingredients in it. Back home, I’ve been doing this mask once a day and holy crap. In the morning my skin is more moisturized, exfoliated, even-toned and smooth. Raw honey is known for doing all these things and more (healing scars, killing germs, so on), so I’m not surprised that it works, just how GOOD it works. So note to those of you who have any sort of skin problem! Try the Vivian raw honey/turmeric/cloves/cayenne skin mask!

As we proceed further down the list: Upcoming events. Tomorrow the homeschool group gathers at our place for an apple themed meet up. In honor of the theme, everyone is bring potluck items featuring apples in the ingredients. Today Ethan, Caleb and I juiced 5 pounds of organic apples, adding fresh ginger, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg and allspice, and popped in the water kefir to start brewing batch of amazingly healthy homemade sparkling apple cider. With the pulp from the juicer I made a quick apple bunt cake and topped it with a homemade pumpkin cream cheese icing. All sweetened with only raw honey, of course. I also have several pounds of apple chicken sausages to cook up in the morning for our guests.

Tomorrow evening is family movie night, this one being kinda special. We’ve been promising Ethan a viewing of the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, complete with an “Unbirthday Party” with cake and tea. Saturday is a friend’s 5th birthday party at the pumpkin patch – very exciting. I could go on but since there is like an event ever single day this month, I’ll save all that for another post, or two!

And speaking of family, every one is doing pretty good. I don’t want to speak for Hubby because he does have his own blog, after all, lol, but suffice to say that he has been having a hard time. He newly began therapy which has been intense, while trying to start his own business and feeling less active since not riding his bike to and from work each day. He’s had low points in his recovery lately which is difficult for us, but at the same time we are talking more and he seems to now be working harder at staying where he needs to be emotionally and spiritually. We had a yoga class together earlier this week that was really fun too!

Okay, well back to work. I’ll post some pics this weekend after some of the festivities…