Ethan: “The firetruck is stuck up in a tree. The cat is going to rescue him for a change.”

Me: “Really? That’s funny!”

Ethan: “Yep. It is, indeed.”

Lotta thinking, lotta working, lotta life going on.

Watching two kids today and overnight for a friend is lovely, but let me just say now that 4 kids is never something I want to have a full-time gig for! Whew! I think I burned more calories in 20 minutes today than I do during the couch to 5k program: Quick- let’s paint! Okay- let’s make pizza sandwiches! Now- who needs to brush their teeth before we start this book and then I have to come in the room for an hour after saying “goodnight” to tell my HOLY-CRAP-TALKATIVE son to BE QUIET for another HOUR (and, yes, I DO hear you whispering to your friends to bait them on- and I also hear them telling you “SHHHHH!!!! Ethan- we are TRYING to sleep and you’re gonna get us in trouble!!!”

Dad- was I like that at my slumber parties?!?!?! Maybe this is life’s payback system. I kept hearing it had one…

I love him. I just have to keep telling myself how much I love him, despite that rounding the Four Year Old Boy Corner has brought out the most defiant, brilliant, scheming, TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALKATIVENESS I could have never ever ever ever ever imagined when he was just a wee soft, sweet smelling baby who loved his mama’s boobs.

Why does this all go by so fast? Why do I feel so … so… old?!

Note to self: slow down and read some “small things” books. Some day, before you know it, he’ll be big enough to know when to SHUT.UP. … and you’ll be wishing he’d talk to you more!

BTW or speaking of which… or not related at all … who really knows and moving on: Sensing lately WAY too much of my own mortality. I guess I need to retire “Forever Young” as my life theme song. There’s one thing to think about eternity and so on but, I don’t know – that’s a conversation for a different post.

Right now, all I can think when pondering my 4 year old and my life and all these day to day things is that I’m “only” a quarter of a century old in this earthly life and already I feel like … GANDOLF! Quick, somebody buy me a pumice stone for my corns and some decent tweezers for that long gray chin hair!!!

Maybe its the Harry Potter marathon Chris has us on. These kids were born in the 90’s. The NINETIES, ya’ll.

I’m going to bed.

Home/Unschooling: there is little else on my mind lately– (well that’s not quite accurate- there is also bankruptcy, driver’s license test, birth control, on and on and on – but none of that I’m really ready to talk about with you all- nuthin’ personal )

So here’s another predictable Vivian-ramble! Skip if this topic is of little interest to you, lol!

In my homeschooling/unschooling reading I am a roll with a real classic – The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Homeschooling! LOL But you know what, its actually not that bad. Kinda just recaps the basics and then goes to grade/age levels. One of the things I was reading was about figuring out your “philosophy of education”.

I remember this term very distinctly from Intro to Education in college (for those who don’t know, I was an elementary ed major prior to journalism). I’d probably get a kick out of reading my final for that class (which was some kind of report about that term and defining my personal philosophy, based on the major ones out there and the history of education and so on and so forth) because I can only imagine that a LOT has changed about me since then. Seven years may not be a long time, but two kids later certainly IS.

When Ethan was not even a year old, I went to a gathering with some church gal’s every Friday morning. One of them was really inspiring to me, in many ways, including the way she homeschooled. I had known a few homeschooled friends in high school because of the large youth group I was a part of, and I was sooo jealous that they got to whiz through things that came easy to them, but were of little interest, like math, in order to practice opera or be in a play at the local community theatre. So not fair! lol

The thing that has struck me most since I began the research on this homeschool journey is that there is SUCH a variety of approaches to homeschooling. Some are very rigid and structured and require a ton of parental energy for curricula planning and reporting and testing and so on. It’s basically those who do traditional schooling, but at home. My impression from the kids AND parents who do this approach are the ones who enjoy it the least, and who often burn out quickly. That method of homeschooling never intrigued me, not only because it simply doesn’t fall in line with my personality type, but because I can’t imagine my kid being able to learn best with that approach.

Then there’s some others that I DO really like, bits and pieces of them. I’ve read a few books on the Waldorf method when Ethan was younger and I loved the simple natural toys, creative and imaginative play, and natural surrounding and Seasonal/Rythmic aspects of that. Some of it stuck with me but some of it didn’t.

Last week at the homeschooling potluck, we had a conversation about the Charlotte Mason approach and the “Twaddle-Free” term (all of which was new to me). I really like some parts of this method, esp the learning through “living books” and narrative. The Idiot’s Guide sums up this method as follows:

“According to Mason [an early twentieth-century British educator], living books are real books (as opposed to textbooks) that make the subject seem real and alive. Mason coined the term “twaddle” to describe books that contained second-hand, distilled information… [The approach emphasizes] good habits and basics (reading, writing and math) and exposes children to real-life learning through such experiences as nature walks, touring art museums, reading good literature aloud, and attending concerts.”

There are some great points in there that could work really well for Ethan and I. I think most people learn well through a narrative approach (in fact, this is how God and humankind have interacted from the beginning- in sacred books, the Bible for example.) And I have always gravitated towards the idea of real-life learning with him, as opposed to manufactured ones. So I want to do more reading of Mason’s and see which pieces of her method I’d like to implement at home.

Another approach you have heard me talk about on this blog is the unit method. This is what I am most familiar with as a formal method because its more or less what I’ve already done with Ethan. I’ll pick certain themes for the month or week or whatever, and we’ll study things through that lens. For example, “The Ocean” can be a theme, esp for kids his age, that provide us with all kinds of learning, from sea animals (biology) to waves/tides/currents (natural sciences) to colors and mediums for arts and crafts projects. Math is all up in there too, from how many legs does a crab have to numbers for temperatures and statistics of animal populations or WHATEVER. It’s kinda of endless, actually, and we could end up on the same theme a lot longer than I expected once we actually got into it!

One reason I like the unit theme approach is that it gives me something intentional to focus on with him, and we can learn all kinds of things that fall under that unit, and we can end the unit whenever he’s lost interest in it or we can keep going if he is curious and eager for more. It’s way more hands-off in comparison to the school-at-home method, can be pretty self-directed, and yet helps me as a work-at-home mom to have a little direction and motivation for how and why we spend our day the way we do (as opposed to me on my laptop all day every day, lol).

I’ve also written on this blog about another approach, called Unschooling. Folks who unschool seem to have varying levels of commitment to this approach, and it looks different in each one’s home. But the basic idea is that children learn from totally self-guided curiosity and real-life learning opportunities that present themselves each day. The parents job is not to teach, but to follow the child’s lead and inner time table/readiness and then simply providing them with the resources and materials to help them understand the topic (or sport or skill or whatever).

This seems like its basically how most kids were educated prior to mandatory schooling came about in the industrial age. Many famous figures were self-learners and did not attend traditional classroom schooling, some mentioned in the Idiot’s Guide include people as Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, and Charles Dickens. These are folks who learned based on interest, and whose freedom to love learning and search always to fill their insatiable appetites taught themselves a variety of topics and skills, in depth, and landed them as very prominent figures in history. I like picturing little Thomas Edison’s mom who, when his teachers couldn’t handle him, taught him at home using games and adventures- encouraging his interests that later created some of the most famous inventions in history! Never look at a penny the same way again

How I choose to home educate Ethan this year seems to be determined largely by :

• my own personality and lifestyle, (and one might add budget and capabilities)
• my grasp on Ethan’s personality, developmental stage and learning style (which ultimately will determine how successful or unsuccessful a particular approach will be!)
• my view of my role as a parent and my ideas on what children are and are not (including my worldview/spirituality)
• my daily connection with my community, from family and friends, to church, to support groups, to homeless shelters, to community centers, to resources around me like libraries, museums and parks.

This topic, even the micro-topic of simply (ha!) defining my personal philosophy of education, appears for now to be so vast that I will never quite figure it all out. Which is okay with me, by golly I love that I have the flexibility to back off; redefine; plunge through; utilize team sports, private lessons, tutors and classes; pray; pray some more; observe the changes my kid is going through and recalibrate yet again. Basically, I love that this is a part of my journey, Chris’ journey, our kids’ journey, and our journey together as a family unit. It’s an exciting time with my child – to be considering who he is so much, to grapple with my own strengths and weaknesses in yet ANOTHER area of life

More to come…

Boy, I feel a bit out-of-body lately. This tends to happen when major life changes are upon me. I just check out to survive it, check back in when things are a bit more calm! Me and my gosh darn less-than-optimal coping skillz.

Let’s recap…

I moved into a community house with another family in March. BIG CHANGE! A very, very good one, I might add!

I had my second baby in April, at home in my shower no less. BIG CHANGE!!! An awesome one, of course.

I’m starting to unschool/homeschool again and actually getting together with other moms weekly and so on. And once you’ve got a homeschooling “group”, it’s like, official. All of that is also a good thing! The more I invest in Ethan’s life, the more in love with my kid I fall. And the more I see him with his peers, the more I realize he is just fine. Right on track, actually, lol.

For another thing, my husband and I have just celebrated our first year married. I say that because I really don’t feel we were ever married before he began recovery. We have discovered in this year an ever increasing intimacy with each other, something that can only come out of a relationship of honesty and respect. So WOOT for that too!

Okay, so what about the not-so-great changes???

I’ve slowly gotten back to work over the last 2 months, as Verity is now 2 months old (yeek!). But Chris’ work is slowing down and any day or week now they will finally clue in their employees on their official layoff date. The combination of my lost income from unpaid “leave” of my freelancing during Verity’s arrival with my husband’s impending layoff has left us with little option but to declare bankruptcy. A big, big decision, I know. I’ve written before about our use of credit cards to make ends meet (above our means!) through college, and how we joined a consolidation service 1.5 years ago. That was a saving grace up until now, because the loss of my income for the last few months made it impossible to pay our creditors on time, and now they have begun to withdrawal us from the program along with it’s wonderfully low interest rates. Catching up, which has seemed to work well for us in the past, is no longer possible. We simply have no way to pay back our debt at this point, and we have made the decision and begun taking steps to file.

Lucky for us, this should be a very straightforward case, one that I’m so far confident that I can actually do “pro se” (without a lawyer), but we’ll see. Being that we have zero assets (no home, no car, no investments, no nothin), we make well below the state average (to pass what’s called the “means test” for filing Ch.7 bankruptcy), and we have been in a counseling/consolidation service for 1.5 years until this recent double whammy of new baby and layoff, I’m convinced at this point that hiring a lawyer to protect, well, the zero assets we have is kinda pointless. So for the next few months (hopefully less!) I’ll be studying my arse off to learn all I need to file and get started on a new life of actually having the money to pay my bills each month without playing the catch up game. Here, here!

Which leads me to the OTHER big, BIG change… hubby has an appointment to get snipped in a few weeks. AH! This is a tough one for me. I can’t say that I never want to have another child, in fact I’d love more than 2 kids. However, all things considered, I believe its the wisest decision for us. Will I be freaking out and wondering how I feel about this for the next few weeks? Heck yes. But perhaps once its over and behind us, I’ll be free to consider the future without the possibility of more children and move on. I love kids, but I fear that having a “quiver full” wouldn’t be the best decision for us, given all the relational, parental, and financial issues we are muddling through. I trust God to not give me more than I can handle, but I also like to think He trusts me to utilize my common sense. So… yeah, I dunno.

Oh Lordy. Yep, 2009 will be THE YEAR of big changes for us. We’ll just have to roll with them, one day at a time.

What does it mean to live a full life? To live every moment to the fullest? Sometimes I look at my life and think… my… this is rather drab.

In doing some, ahem, research for Chris’ soon-to-be-launched dadblog, I discovered this guys bio and thought, now that’s an interesting person, lol.

You know the feeling, the itch, the urge, you get every now and then to DO SOMETHING GREAT? I get bored easily, I suppose. Having a baby was my last big accomplishment, and it wasn’t that terribly long ago (8 weeks almost! Woah!) My next big accomplishment will likely be declaring bankruptcy, which is not exactly something I’d put on my list of things I’m proud of

Now, I know the everyday tasks of working and mothering are pretty grand, as uneventful as they may sound in comparison to riding elephants in Sri Lanka! But I don’t really want to look back on my twenties and remember ONLY the unspectacular everyday things I did. So many moms say this but, but… “I used to have dreams!” lol

Okay, I’m getting to a point here, I swear.

Chris and I have been talking about backpacking Europe (probably staying in hostels and mostly doing just one location — we are thinking Barcelona) for our 10 year anniversary. Which is in 3.5 years. We’ve had this idea for some time, and I personally wanted to take off to Europe with a backpack since even BEFORE Rory and Lorelai did it

This will require much planning, much saving, grandparents willing to watch the tots (this shouldn’t be too hard! lol), … and a vasectomy. But I want to announce it on my blog because I want a bit of accountability to work towards this goal.

Sometimes the survival of the “day to day” keeps us from seeing too far into the future. I hesitate to make a playdate for next week! But I don’t want to neglect the importance of making room for a few great experiences too. Life HAS to be about more than just paying bills on time, heh?

I’ll try to keep the blog posted as we intentionally work towards this goal. I’m going to start a little push pin board in my room dedicated to this plan. A nice little visualization tool, ha!

So, back to my original question- what does it mean to live a full life? What does it mean to you? Do you have some rare and amazing adventure to look back on or that you are planning for? I wonder what you guys dare to dream about…

“What makes people smart, curious, alert, observant, competent, confident, resourceful, persistent – in the broadest and best sense, intelligent- is not having access to more and more learning places, resources, and specialists, but being able in their lives to do a wide variety of interesting things that matter, things that challenge their ingenuity, skill, and judgement, and that make an obvious difference in their lives and the lives of people around them.”
~John Holt~ Teach Your Own

As far as I can remember, no one ever sat me down to teach me how to read by kindergarten, but I recall being zealously interested in making words and letters, often competing with my older brother. (I’ll never forget how I overheard he got a word wrong on his spelling test – the word “perpendicular”. I then memorized it to show off – I was in first grade.) I have a memory of making up games with my brother during road trips, counting to 100, and I couldn’t have been more than 5 at the time. What I do not recall is ever having an adult teach me to count, unless I asked them to count with me. When I got to school, I distinctly remember feeling like I had to slow down for the rest of the class, especially when reading or doing crafts. I have a few report cards that were saved from elementary school (I went to 9 different elementary schools so I was always kinda the “new girl”) and one I particularly find funny is the comment “Vivian shows exceptional artistic and language skills, though I do wish she would play more with the other kids”.

Education rears disciples, imitators, and routinists, not pioneers of new ideas and creative geniuses. The schools are not nurseries of progress and improvement, but conservatories of tradition and unvarying modes of thought.–Ludwig von Mises

Fast foward to high school, where one year I missed 55 days of school in one semester because I loved sleeping in, waking up on my own time and finishing the work I knew they would be doing in class in a fraction of the time. The only classes I really showed up for were the one’s I was really interested in, or the one’s with a harsh penalty for absence. I had a 4.7 GPA when I graduated, already had 18 credits obtained in college courses. I took my SAT’s one time, in 11th grade, scored 1340 which was “good enough” for college and scholarships I needed, so I was fine with it. But I had missed a TON of school. I loved AP Music Theory and AP Environmental Science, and remember those and a few english courses more than any other classes I’ve ever taken. That leaves 90% of the classes I had to take out. Let me rephrase that: About 90% of my education taught me nothing.

My schooling not only failed to teach me what it professed to be teaching, but prevented me from being educated to an extent which infuriates me when I think of all I might have learned at home by myself. –George Bernard Shaw

I remember having a lot of conflicts with a teacher my freshman year of high school – she was a great educator, it was an english course. But she didn’t like that I, and I quote, “played the system”. In my opinion, I had no other choice. Were I to sit on my sore butt for 7 hours a day when I wasn’t interested, I would have lost my love of learning entirely. But not excelling in school was not an option, so I had to “play the system“. I knew that I wanted to one day go to college to study what I really wanted to learn about, and I knew I would have zero money to do so. My goal throughout high school was to make sure my college was funded, period.

There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done. School and prison.–William Glasser

In college, I really wanted the freedom to be absent as much as possible then too. I was deeply interested in a few classes that I’ll never forget: Principles of Teaching, Children’s Ministry, Life of Christ, Personality Theory, Creative Writing, Advanced Expository Writing, and Integrating Faith in the Communication Field, along with art, photography, and film classes. The rest I can barely tell you what they were. I finished all my math and science requirements for my 4 year degree by the very FIRST semester of college so I would never have to take them again, lol. I took my college exit exam my first semester too, scored very well, and have never had to take another standardized test again, thankyoujeebus.

I believe that the testing of the student’s achievements in order to see if he meets some criterion held by the teacher, is directly contrary to the implications of therapy for significant learning.–Carl Rogers

Speaking of those standardized tests. The first one I remember taking was in 7th grade, when they first started making you take the psat’s or fcats or something. I was told that my scores on that particular test would, on their own, determine my placement in classes in high school two years later. Friends who were way more intelligent than me, but not good test takers, were “tracked” into “regular” courses while I got some honors courses. The course of our high school careers were determined by our answers to one test, one or two hours of our lives TWO YEARS PRIOR (which I later learned in my “Into to Education” class is called “tracking”).

I remember my senior year of high school, me and just a small handful of other seniors were asked to meet in the library where the Dean informed us that we had excelled in some area of study so much that we were being able to take a test to place us as finalist for some major award or scholarship. I can’t for the life of me remember what it was, but I want to say it was a national merit scholar something or other. All I remember was how I was told that I supposedly excelled in social studies. Social studies? I hadn’t been interested in a single government or history class in my whole life. I usually took “regular” classes with the football coach teacher for those courses so I could free up another hour for a music or english class. When I asked about it, I was told I must have scored well on some test year’s ago, which now dictated that I was nominated for the social studies award. I told them, thanks, but no thanks. I’m not interested in social studies and didn’t want to study for the test I “got the privilege of taking”, so I left the meeting.

Where I am going with all of this is that, while I might have appeared to do well in public school, most of the actual learning I remember took place outside of the classroom. Most, if not ALL, of the skills I now use for work were learned outside the classroom as well. When I was 13, I was reading books in my spare time that were either about spirituality, writing, or art. 12 years later, that hasn’t changed – just add parenting books to the list, lol. Last January, I grabbed a few things from my dad’s while we were in Florida and found a huge binder of poems and short stories I wrote in my spare time from middle school and early high school. I had written down the books I was using at the time to practice my writing, which included Poemcrazy and The Artist’s Way. I didn’t really enjoy novels, and I still don’t. In college, I took a course in Layout and Design in which we learned Adobe Photoshop and PageMaker (the old InDesign, basically). I hated it, though I got an A. I was bored out of my mind and never felt like I was “getting it”. It wasn’t until after I graduated that I got interested in blogging and I wanted the knowledge and freedom to change my blog design, without having to rely on some one else or pay for it, so I spent my spare time trying to change code that I had no idea how to read and used as many resources and knowledgeable friends I could. It was hard at first, I would spend 10 hours on the same darn problem because I had no basic understanding of the html or css language. I would just change something, look at the site, see what I had just done, figure out the correlation, and then see if it worked every time. (In this case, having some one teach me would have saved me a LOT of time, though this eventually did happen, as I had a few knowledge friends or got a hold of some books and slowly found some spare time, little by little, to learn more.) This is how I learn, how I suspect we all do – we have a goal and we need to know something to achieve it. We don’t back down or quit or get disinterested when we really want to learn something- the passion for figuring it out, the curiosity, it will win over in the end. For a time, you can even get obsessive about it until you feel you’ve achieved a certain level and then you can finally get some rest. (In fact, I am currently in this process with knitting!)

PRESS ON. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.–Calvin Coolidge

And so I come closer to my “point”: in the last, say, 7 months or so, I have found myself feeling disappointed in my approach to teaching/parenting my preschool aged son thus far. I never stopped to think about how I learn until recently, and since I could always do worksheets, tests and assignments so well, I spent most of the last 3 years vacillating between structured “teaching” towards Lil’ E, or no instruction at all because I have so little patience teaching something I myself am not interested in, lol.

Now that I’ve embraced the decision to home school, I’m giving a lot more thought to the process of learning, my own experience in and out of school, the differences as well as universal similarities in children. I find myself having to “unteach” myself about how to best foster a learning environment for him, one that takes cues from his interests rather than a “skills set for every 3 year old”. I suspect many, many parents go through this, especially if they want to home school. It seems so backwards, after all – to back off, observe, and trust that your child’s natural curiosity and inclination towards learning will have greater success on developing their intelligence than any subject we could force upon them. But it works time and again, doesn’t it? Just this lasts Winter while visiting in Florida I was chatting with my friend Kubby, who was homeschooled. He explained how he taught himself to read at a young age, and how by the time he was technically in “middle school” he would pick his own books for his curriculum and what he was interested in, read them and teach himself everything he was interested in, and with the efficient use of his time, ended up “learning” much more than most kids his age by 18. (Not surprisingly, when he went to college, he ended up getting very bored!)

Imagine if we all were given the opportunity to focus on our interests and were told that the sky was the limit with regards to how much time and energy we want to spend on them? How many of us would be specialists in a field and today be actually enjoying our jobs (even if that means homemaking, cooking, knitting, what have you) rather than watching the clock each day and deciding the bi-weekly paycheck makes it “worth it”. I know that I cannot imagine myself in a traditional “job”. For me, the freedom to set my own hours, take a walk or a poop or a nap whenever the heck I need to, spend ample time with my primary interests (family, faith and art), and navigate towards my “work related” interests within the field without the monotony of repetition is exactly what I need. I wonder if I’ll ever hold a “job job”, for I fear I will lose interest in about 1 month and be miserable. Not a day goes by that I am not incredibly grateful for the opportunity to earn money in this way. I hope that Ethan and Verity, should they want to, will have this opportunity when they grow up.

“True learning – learning that is permanent and useful, that leads to intelligent action and further learning — can arise only out of the experience, interest, and concerns of the learner” –John Holt

As I began to embrace the idea of a lose “unschooling” philosophy (if you will?) towards Ethan and Verity in the coming year or so, I found myself wondering most about Ethan’s social interactions. I so wanted to establish a regular group of peers for him, where he could have a handful of “friends” and perhaps 1 or 2 “real buddies”. (It could benefit him to learn that perhaps hugging, kissing and saying “I LOVE YOU!” to every single brief playmate on the playground isn’t appropriate to the level of intimacy in their relationship, lol.)

Enter the wonderful world of yahoo groups! Recently my friend Misty decided to also give homeschooling/unschooling a try and while I was home nursing a newborn, she tapped into some local resources for us and landed on a group of gals who began meeting just last week at Kenton park (which happens to be the park we go to about .25 miles away!) and then for lunch at Posie’s coffee shop after wards. The group consists of, so far, about 5 moms of preschool aged kids, most are 4 years old it seems, with a few younger or older siblings. I met with them last week for the first time (and it was such a coincidence because I had met the ring-leader, Laura, two weeks earlier while our sons played together at Posies. She had given me her email and I had yet to get ahold of her, and then life brought us back together again. Funny how those things work out, isn’t it?) The moms I met were smart and talented, and had a strong desire to facilitate a love of learning in their children. We have now agreed to meet weekly at Kenton Park for our children to have regular playmates, and then once per month do “field trips” together. I am over the moon about finding this little group of moms and their kiddos.

I’ve taken a break from focusing on homeschooling since shortly after we moved here in March, what with the move and Verity’s arrival on the horizon. My goal has been to kick things back up around Ethan’s 4 birthday, which is a month away, and it appears we are ahead of schedule! Recovery has been so great with Verity that I feel we have already begun many things, lately focusing again on letters and reading since that is Ethan’s interest, and also on planting/gardening that he asked to learn about. Otherwise, we have everyday learning all around us, and now we even have a group of buds to learn with once a week. Good stuff.

So it has been a while since I have posted anything on this site. While sitting here at work on my lunch break and most likely after, I have some time on my hands. This life has given me plenty of..too many actually..times to choose the wrong choice. So I sit here now thinking about how to make the best decisions with this second chance at life, with my family, since having chosen a different path exactly one year ago.

Things have been looking up for me and oddly enough I have been pretty blessed. I have been considering going back to school and it just so happens that I will finally be getting my diploma and transcripts from the university I graduated from in 2007! Woohoo! All I need to do is figure out what to go back to school for. I have been thinking about Sociology..maybe a masters in that. Strangely enough I am excited at the possibility of learning in school instead of just getting it over with. I am very interested in seeing how I view education now that I am seeing things with a new set of eyes. Anyway, that is something that I have to decide with Vivian. Unfortunately, getting your post graduate degree is expensive. I am still paying for my undergraduate degree.

So back to my gratitude list:

1. God has been there for me even when I did not want Him. I have fought with Him for years. Self was my god. When I went back to Him, I felt unworthy to say His name. I could not gather the courage to be someone that could ask Him for help. But after my life came to a crossroads..I was left with no choice. He was all I had. And of course, He was what I needed. So I am here only because of Him.

2. Vivian is amazing. When I think of strength, courage, patience, joy, love, and especially grace, my wife is that. My wife has the ability to, taking it day by day of course, let me show her love. She shows me love back more than I deserve. I don’t know how she is able to show it as much especially with Verity and Ethan who are needing some as well. So that to say, Vivian is my love.

3. Ethan and Verity..what can I say. I am grateful that they are in my life, but sometimes I don’t know if they will feel the same of me. Ethan unfortunately had the father who was selfish for most of his life. I am trying to be the father he needs now. Let me tell you, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Thank God for books that help with being a better parent. I swear when I read these books, and they give an example about the parent who withholds love, who loves conditionally, they might as well have used my name. Besides, I would have loved a percentage from the copies sold. I am gaga over Verity. I am hoping she can get a head start with a father who is trying to change into a better man unlike Ethan did. Those are just some things I think about all the time.

4.Family is important to me. When I say family, I mean of course parents, aunts, etc.., but I also mean housemates, friends, church, and other support groups. All of these are gifts from God that have brought me to where I am now. Every interaction has helped me get to where I am now. I used to think of family as “blood” relatives. I have grown enough to love everyone as if they are my brothers or sisters. This goes for anyone I have had any resentment towards and vice versa. I am learning to love!

5. Portland is something that I am grateful for as well. I can’t say how blessed I am to have moved here. Being in this city of imperfection is encouraging. Our community house is great! I think of when it was just our family in an apartment and realize that it was lonely. It is much better with another family. Portland is where we found our current church. This city has the best food too which always hits home for me. But you know..the city has tons of needs as well. Especially the people that are homeless. Whenever I get the chance, I like volunteering at the Portland Rescue Mission. For me it is very personal when I get a chance to be selfless like this. I see people that have been through things that make me realize that I am never too far from being there. Most people there are results of addictions taking over their lives. I can see myself and my future if I stayed on the wrong path when I look into their eyes. So that said, this imperfect city is home.

Well, it might be another month before I can reflect and have something to write about. The future is uncertain. There are alot more things I am grateful for but I will save them for later. Mostly I hold on to the first since without it, nothing else can follow. It is nice being able to share on this. I guess I am grateful for that as well!

6. Mamaneedjava.com for a place to share my thoughts.

Oh yes. We did.

Ethan’s growin’ a mohawk! (The following pics don’t show it totally styled, but whatever, you get the idea!) I saw my friend’s son wearin a similar style and I thought, hmmm, maybe that would work on Ethan’s mop without needing constant maintenance? The jury is out on maintenance, but so far it looks pretty cool, right?

P.S. Verity has been smiling and talking! She still looks so petite but she has outgrown her newborn clothes and diapers so I am anxious to see her size at next week’s appointment. Her eye color is exactly what Ethan’s was at this age- a deep, smokey blue. I have no doubt this will turn to light hazel/green eyes like his, I’m sure. She’s also getting a bit of a tan, (and speaking of skin color, she has a different undertone than Ethan (olive), as she has been very red since birth, not olivey. Anyhoo.) She is losing a bit of hair around her ears, so she just might get a Mohawk for a while too! LOL
These are definitely sweet times.

Chris and I are loving this song, esp after Seth’s version at church today. Yeah, the live version is a tearjerker.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that when I am impatient, bitter, and ready to give up because none of this makes sense, it isn’t fair, and I’m just plain DONE – Jesus simply tells me He’ll be with me through it all.

***Quick aside- I’m looking forward to being able to see this movie, it looks adorable! (Maybe Chris and I can sneak Verity into a matinee in a few weeks!)***

Today’s “sermon” (do we call it that at Evergreen?) was on the woman at the well (from John) and loosely related to being surprised by God. I thought most about Verity – her presence in my life, the knowledge of her existence last August- it was such a surprise in the most unlikely time.

God and I’s relationship as been, and still is, somewhat “through the wringer” this last year or so. There was even times when I really doubted my ability to continue believing in God after how heartbroken I have felt, and my prayer has simply been for the help to get “there”. (I also loved the lyric in one song in the worship time today that said “Thank you for breaking my heart — I now have a strong heart” or something along those lines. Oh, I about lost it. Okay, I did lose it.)

Yep, the Father has an annoying (LOVING) habit of reaching out and pulling me out of my comfort zone, and its usually not in small, unnoticeable ways (like, well, a broken marriage, an addicted/recovering husband, a mirror to show me my own mistakes, and a BABY, to name a few).

And true to form, this week was no different. Most of you know that I live in a community house, a home shared with another family of 3-soon-to-be-4. Much of what sparked our desire to co-house stemmed from, well, you know, you can just read all about it here in case you missed it.

Well, we’ve been here two months and until yesterday I had not met a single neighbor. I was pretty preoccupied with moving and then the pregnancy and then the new baby… I missed a few opportunities, even when Chris walked up to neighbors and introduced himself, (even when ETHAN did!), I still found myself too shy and awkward. I finally introduced myself to the owners of our local coffee shop, though. Baby steps?

Yesterday we passed the same house several times while walking back and forth to the buslines for a few outings. We waved and said hey at the same-sex couple working on their lawn (not uncommon to these parts, they are trying to convert most of their lawn to edibles – like Food Not Lawns). Finally, they totally broke the barrier and invited Ethan over to meet their new puppy. Within minutes we were ushered into their yard to meet the other dog, then into their backyard to see their massage studio (with hopes to turn it into a wellness center), and then into their home to see their DIY rain water toilet flushing system. It was so awesome to be welcomed into their lives and chat with them, and then, low and behold, we were invited to a vegan potluck COMMUNITY DINNER with other area families, hosted at their place a few doors down from us, THIS Tuesday. I could have peed my pants. This was like the “in” we had been waiting/praying for and it seemed to just fall from the sky. This is too easy! I thought.

But I know true, intentional community is probably anything but easy! For me to truly listen to them, hear their stories, invest in their lives, share my story, and continue to break bread with them on a regular basis will be more of a challenge than the initial meet-n-greet.

But it’s a start, and I’m so thankful for God’s surprises.

I love getting out and about again. Especially in weather that is a bottled form of HEAVEN.

Verity and I waiting for the bus. She was like this (PASSED OUT!) the whole day, all toasty in her wrap.

The last day or two I’ve been trying to get out of the house more. I’m finally able to leave my roll of toilet paper at home because I don’t have the need to blow my nose every 5 seconds, and I’m telling you- I seriously feel really, really good. I could take on the world!

Okay, anyway.

Today’s highlight was brunch with the fam and a trip down to the Art Hop on Alberta, just Verity and I, to hang with Misty. I love Alberta soooo much. It has a special place in my heart. Here are some pics of the street fair- which can best be described as Etsy, but on the street! Such talent around here, I swear! (Pay special attention to the picture of the stand with the sign “Advice – FREE”… only on Alberta, baby!

Here’s some more pics:

I supported a local artist by purchasing the $5 bag (with awesome pink Dia de los Muertos fabric) to hold my essentials onto my “diaper bag” (backpack from Rerun, $8!) so everything doesn’t always fall to the bottom. I was going to sew on a pocket of some sort but this works SO much better. Score.

I also treated myself on a very hot (for Portland) day to a handmade ice cream cookie from Portland’s own Ruby Jewel company. It is a – get this – Cinnamon Chocolate Chip cookie with Espresso Ice Cream. Let’s just say I devoured it faster than you can say “delicious”. The instructions read, wittily, “For maximum enjoyment, let soften for approximately 3 mins and 08 secs at 72 F (22.2 C) before eating.” The drink is a nifty concoction of water infused with herbs- namely, cinnamon, cardamom, and cloves. Um – woah. YUM!? This snack easily fits somewhere at the top of my $5 and under food list.

There were also a couple of diaper changes (CLOTH- which I will be blogging about later!) in the grass that were loads (pun intended) of fun

And last but not least, I splurged (.50 a piece!) on a few vintagey-cool buttons from Bolt for some Verity clothes/bootie projects in the works. Can anyone say ADORABLE?!

Conclusion: a beautiful day well spent with a great friend and lovely daughter. SOOO much better than sitting in the living room!