My morning began by getting thrown up in my armpit by my 9 month old while I was still laying down in bed. A very full day of packing (like 6 straight hours) with two children under foot followed (after a quick shower to rid myself of armpit throw up) and ended with a visit to a beautiful friend and her beautiful new baby, and then my last hour with my counselor in Portland. I am finally sitting down to relax with tea nearby at almost 10pm. Of course, now I “clock in” for work… and what happens? Verity comes over and plants a good sized spit up on the same shoulder she nailed this morning. Life!

I can’t believe it took me about 200 pounds worth of boxes to pack up Ethan’s books alone. I don’t even want to know how many more boxes I’ll need for MY books! lol

Oh, and Chris sold the TV today (his baby – the 42″ he got for his graduation 3 years ago) and we have a lead on selling the car too (oh, yes, we got a ‘88 toyota wagon before realizing we were NOT driving to move so now we have to sell it 3 weeks later, lol)

More to share soon when time allows…

Well, I’ve done it again.

Blame it on the illness. Blame it on the rain outside. Blame it on the lack of work today. Who knows. But I decided to whip out my next project and learn to make…

THAI FISHERMAN YOGA PANTS!

I’ve been a fan of these pants for awhile, my roommate Lacey had a few and I kept thinking how comfy and forgiving they look but I didn’t want to pay for them. They are all OVER Etsy but I just didn’t want to dish out the dough.

So what does mama do instead? Makes them herself!

I found this pattern (3/4 down the page) and marked up some pattern fabric (see how much I DON’T know? I don’t even know the proper name for that stuff!). I fired up my 20 or 30 year old free Kenmore sewing machine. And, well, the rest is history.

They turned out great! I’m so glad I took the time (ahem 5 hours) to make my first ones properly. I made the first in dark green organic cotton. Delicious! I plan to make a stencil painting on the legs too!

Oh, you want to know the best part? These pants are one size fits all. Hubby looks FANTASTIC in them and now has some pants to wear to Couples Yoga!

Okay, so these are the second pair in cotton with a pretty pattern. These only took about an hour, maybe less actually…

They start like this. (No, this is not my “I’ve lost 60 pounds” Subway shot )

Then you fold one side. Then the other, and you tie the belt in the front.

Then you fold over the top.

Then you strike a pose.

Then you do a Napoleon Dynamite. (round house kick to the face.)

You like?

I am…

• knitting these, and it is fun. (If you aren’t logged into ravelry.com you can’t view this, but suffice it to say they are cutie sweetie fingerless gloves with cabling and fun stuff on them.
• reading this, and it is inspiring.
• listening to my baby fart, and it is hilariously musical.
• about to watch Harry Potter with Hubby, in front of the ambiance of our electric fireplace in our room … and very much looking forward to it.

Sometimes I feel like the Grinch. A grumpy, cranky, irritated, impatient, selfish, angry old Grinch. Oh wait, that’s not just sometimes.

But, you see… it’s not Christmas that I despise. It’s not the noise of all the Who’s down in Whoville. It’s the noise of my life. The constant barrage of noise. Some of the noises aren’t even audible.

Yesterday we had the house to ourselves for the afternoon, the housemates out at their parents for the day to celebrate Halloween. I felt really excited about Halloween and very grateful for my family.

THEN…
The following took place within 5 minutes:

I sat down, happy as a clam, to start knitting a new project. The cast on was “provisional cast on” method, something new to me. I clicked on a little video to view the demonstration and I was a little baffled. Frustrated, I turned up the volume a bit and tried to concentrate a little harder. I had finally gotten Verity to sleep just minutes before and I could feel the familiar sense of impatience with myself creep up, knowing I had only so long to “myself” before she would wake up again, or Ethan would need something, or a chore would need to be done, or food would need to be made, or an event would need to be prepared for, … etc.

Ethan was watching a movie and apparently not so happy about things the fact that he could hear my 2 minute tutorial video from my laptop across the room. He started raising his voice asking me to turn it down so he could hear his movie. I was engrossed and determined to steal a few minutes for myself to learn something new, so I didn’t even register WHAT he was saying. All I could register was a whiney, demanding voice that was ruining my thought process (and what else is new?)!

To make sure he was heard, he got up from his spot and got right in my face, abrasively coming directly between my video and I, repeating like a broken record something about my video interrupting HIM!? (The nerve!!!) In a frustrated, Grinchy instant, I snapped. White flashed before my eyes and I stood up, raised my face to the sky like a wolf and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAACHED. An octave away from a dog whistle, let me tell you.

The baby woke up, of course. Ethan started crying and ran off to his room, of course. I felt like a total failure, of course. Chris looked at me like I was a wild woman, of course.

Emotional exhaustion is all that follows my Grinchy moments. It’s the pits. The worst feeling. I have to go back and smooth things over, explain, apologize, take responsibilty and make amends. Try to move on, try to start anew. And I’m always ten times harder on myself about it than anyone else is. The kids seem to have bounced back within seconds, while I am still realing over my mistake.

It seems only full-time, stay-at-home parents seem to be able to relate to the truly grueling job of 24/7 noise and needs. Those days that you have to take as long of a shower as possible because that is literally the only time you will have to yourself all day (or in a couple of days!!!) I can’t even begin to imagine the HOURS that other adults have to themselves. HOURS?!?!?!?! Um, am I green with envy yet?!?!?! You mean you can watch a movie without interruption? You mean you can drive somewhere and just listen to music? You mean you can read a book for more than 5 minutes? What is this life you speak of – IS IT REAL? Will I ever have it again?

It has been FOUR. LONG. YEARS. Four years of being around at least one young child for all or the vast majority of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Folks, I can’t even poop in peace. He will be barging in if I forget to lock the door or BANGING on the door if I remember.

Where are my boundaries, you might ask? Right where they should be, thankyouverymuch. I do tell him when I’m tired or when I’m angry. I walk away when I can take no more. I tell him I need space when I need a moments peace. I institute a “quiet time” every afternoon and on good days, he actually takes it willingly!

But then you throw a baby in the mix. Boundaries with a baby? LOL

And then you throw in a full-time work load FROM HOME.

And then you throw in chores, and meals, and counseling, and homeschooling, and outings, and… ???

The noise is constant. And in my worst moments, my response is utter Grinchyness. Suck. And the worst and best part is that I KNOW BETTER. I know I can choose my response, I know I can manage my feelings better. But practicing inner peace despite the crazy demands around you is an entirely different matter.

But let’s digress and move on to a related topic:

Today Chris and I got three GLORIOUS hours away from the kids, (whom we love so much and never want to leave them BUT boy are the breaks refreshing with a capital R!!!)

We signed up for a co-ed spa day at MamaZen. Three hours. Granted, the way there was stressful. We were late, trying to leave the babysitter with everything she would need for 4 hours with a nursing infant and 4 year old. We got on the bikes and raced the 4 miles or so to the yoga studio. It was hilly. I was out of breath, my thighs were screaming at me, and I was disgruntled and cold and pissed that I’m always late to things. Then Chris’ reflector broke and spewed out at me behind him. Everything took too long. I felt like a total idiot for the life I lead on my freaking flipping bicycle. F-bombs were murmered. Tears even escaped my eyes. Yep, lovely bike ride to spa day.

But don’t worry, it gets better.

Hour one: a yoga practice of extended, gentle poses and guided meditation, meant only to increase awareness and release tension, deepening into relaxation. The yogi had wonderful, beautiful things to say, things that seemed so poignantly related to my life. At one point he said, “We are always assuming that the harder we try, the better we are doing. But what about trying SOFT?” I wanted to cry. What am I paying a counselor for – this freakin’ yoga class was therapy!!!

Hour two: Tea service, complete with sandwiches and tea and mimosas. I cuddled up in my blanket in a chair next to Chris on the porch and zoned out, silent almost the entire hour.

Hour three: Seated in some kind of crazy ergonomic reclining chairs, we were covered with blankets in a circle in the room, a lavender eye pillow on our faces, hot peppermint tea refilled constantly on the night stand beside us. A LIVE HARPIST played soothing music and I just ZONED some more. I saw myself as a strong tree in the fall, allowing and accepting the autumn winds which would rid me of my weight, as the leaves fluttered effortlessly to the ground in time with the harpest’s music. I went deep into my thoughts for the first time in maybe 7 or 8 months. During this time we received hand and feet massages, and our time ended in upright position with hot salt mineral foot bath in a private bowl of pebbles and floating flowers. Nice…

Yes, it was back into the harsh reality of our life – hitting the bikes in the dark; very cold, to trek home. It was invigorating and I tried to welcome that, but my life is so stimulated and invigorating ENOUGH that it was hard to really embrace a cold bike ride home, even through beautiful neighborhoods and silent streets.

I sit here having a bowl of popcorn and a glass of red wine, trying for the first time in far too long to write out my feelings. But this post is pushing 1,200 words and I feel I must leave it here. I’ve recorded a little of my life and the rest will come, in time.

I have been at a loss these last few weeks – a loss of what to share with you all. Not just on the blog but often in person as well. I feel like all the little munchkin workers running the factory inside my brain have all caught a cold; Everything is a little slower. Harry called in sick and Margaret is complaining about her migraine. Come on, Brain People, get to work!

I have tried a few times to bring you a new and interesting post, and each time I managed to get my wheels turnin’, my brain just said, “fart.” I’m not even kidding. I wish I were. I even think what came out had a bit of foul odor.

Is it motherhood? The constant lack of quality sleep? The ferocious amount of mental energy it takes to keep all the balls spinning on each and every finger of my hands (and the one I balance on my head too!)?

It’s not that I haven’t had anything on my mind, though. Just the opposite. SO.MUCH. Where to begin? How to carefully divulge — with what amount of vulnerability am I willing to risk?

On one hand, I could start and end with the daily hum drum of my life: What I did this week, how yoga is going, how my diet is going, how my marriage is going, how the kids are doing, how homeschooling is going, how work is going.

To all those questions, I would describe things as “just fine!” Nothing newsworthy, which is often a good thing. The week has been fairly balanced, I am still loving yoga even though I wanted to cry when my body would not do an inversion in dolphin position this week (don’t you love how yoga brings out those emotions, showing us how hard we can be on ourselves?!) I’m eating well enough. My marriage is having a good week, we’ve talked a lot and bla bla bla. The kids are good, though Ethan still drives me absolutely bonkers. (The phase he is in is the “DEMANDING” phase. Holy cow. Talk about stressful.) As you could see from my last post, Verity is doing great, already crawling and getting into every little thing. Homeschooling is a lot more like “unschooling” these days since I have been working quite a bit. Last week we went with the homeschool group to the Sauvie Island pumpkin patch and today was the Halloween Party (Chris, Misty and I went as Bollywood stars, Ethan was an alien — thanks to the crazy mother who stayed up all night knitting him a green hat to make into an alien costume…). Work is work. Between 3 clients and another 3 folks I “barter” my services for, things are busy, busy, busy. I’d say the category of “work related” stuff I do each week is teetering on over-time (i.e. 40+ hours/wk), simultaneous with my work as a mom/wife (160 hours/wk). I just keep telling myself that one day, rest will come. One day, the kids will be a little older. One day, Chris will bring in more income. One day. And I don’t say that in a woah-is-me voice, either. I truly am hopeful for that one day. If my dad harped on anything, it was the phrase, “This too shall pass.” Sweet Jesus, how true.

Then there’s all of those thoughts and questions which my mind just turns and turns and turns, until everything inside it is sweet n’ creamy butta, baby. Short and long term financial goals, mine and Chris’ strengths and weaknesses, personal triumphs and failures, which learned roles I take on that I really don’t have to, why I so easily slip into survival mode, why I can’t let go, where we’ll all be in 5 years, will Ethan and I ever be close again, will I ever be able to homeschool the way I want to, why I feel the need to not just deliver but IMPRESS, why I’m all of a sudden disgruntled with our choice to be carless, why we are always broke within a week of a paycheck,… all of these and so, so much more.

More things like new herbs I’ve learned about, new projects I’m knitting, how our new homegroup is growing, if and how I fit into the body of Evergreen Community, my frustration at the sewing machine for wrecking up the pillow covers I’m sewing –

WILL IT JUST SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT I’VE GOT A LOT OF POTS ON THE STOVE?!

Yep. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

This has become a novel, hasn’t it? One big brain fart of a novel. And I didn’t even tell you the details of what I got out of the Betrayed, Redeemed Conference last weekend or anything else of significance in my life lately. I guess I’ll just save that all for a rainy day.

K, I just looked outside so I’ll rephrase that: save that all for a DIFFERENT rainy day.

Cheers, and happy almost- all saints day (stole that off of 30 Rock last night. That and “Good God, your breath! When did you have time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach!” …Ha! Cracks me up…)

On Saturday we hit the Portland Nursery Apple Tasting. Here are some pictures of Ethan enjoying the kids activities at the event. We collected some apples, all these crazy varieties you can’t get at the store, went to check out and it was only 4 bucks! So we’ll be going back for more this Sunday, and to hear Cana Son, our favorite local Cuban band. (I blogged about them at the event last year here.)

P.S. Ethan said he wanted to be an “Otis” dog for his face painting and went around telling people he was a “pug nosed pup”! I love this kid! (no one had the heart to tell the kid painting his face that he was doing an AWFUL job, lol)

I know you readers are used to new content nearly every time you come around, and that hasn’t exactly been happening this last week or so…
Well, I admit it. I am not blogging right now because… drum roll please… I am having a very hard week emotionally. But I also don’t want to talk about it, which is typical of me when I am NOT okay. SO, yep, there it is. If you’re the praying type, my family could use a few

Here are some pictures to keep you company while I am away from the blog:

Ethan and Verity chillaxin’ to cartoons.

Ethan’s rad watercolor fire engine

off the needles: a “Foliage” hat

Verity is such a morning person…

Verity hanging out amidst a living room full of media kit assembling in Chicago.

Ethan and Caleb, best buds forever

Baby girl

Ethan and his homeschool buddies on “apple” day

Ethan’s “Happy Unbirthday” sign and decorations for our unbirthday party Alice in Wonderland themed family movie night

How do you explain a phrase to your 4 year old that is, afterall, just 90’s slang? Okay, okay, raise your hand if you say the following words and phrases as part of your regular vocabulary (like I do):

• All that and a bag a chips
• Back In The Day
• Beeotch
• The Bomb
• Boo Ya!
• Chica
• Chick-Flick
• Don’t go there!
• Dude!
• F-bomb
• Gettin Jiggy
• Homey
• Junk
• My Bad!
• NOT!
• Nice!
• Not So Much
• Oh snap…
• Score!
• Shiznit
• Straight Edge
• Sweet!
• Talk to the Hand(because the face ain’t listening)
• Trippin’
• Whassup?
• What’s the dillio?
• Who’s your daddy?
• Yadda Yadda Yadda
• Your Mom!
• fugly
• m’kay

(Check out more and their meanings here)

Admittedly, I wasn’t very “hip” in the 90’s since I was pretty much in grade and middle school (LOL) but I never heard this one: “Quit Icing My Grill” – did you?

… but I’m SO using it from now on!

I love seasons. Love them. And I always get super excited for the next one just when I’m getting a bit bored with the current.

With that in mind, FALL IS ALMOST HERE!!!!

Crunchy, leafy, yummy fall! Oh, Portland autumn is just to die for.

There are a plethora of area events going on, making it really hard to have any down time in order to catch it all. We’ll bypass things like the Pirate Festival (aaaarg.), but we’ll plan to make it to a few others. Many are quickly becoming an annual family tradition:

Evergreen Community Camping Trip
Sept 11-13th
(View my coverage of last years here!)

The Shrewsbury Renaissance Faire
Sat. Sept. 19th
I am SO looking forward to this event as the homeschool group heads out here for the day, and can’t wait to see what bits of history Ethan learns! I need to quickly think of some type of costume for us, though!

Sun. Sept 20th
Race for the Cure!
The gal pal team of Misty, Amy, Lindsey, Nicole and I (wow, do those names sounds like the make of a good cheerleading squad or what?!) will be doing the timed race this year. Donation link is in my right sidebar- I really need a little more funding so if you feel so inclined, please make your way over there!

CHICAGO
Sept. 23-27th
I am WAY excited to spend several days with my friend and colleague while we work side by side instead of email to email. (I’ve never been to Chicago, but honestly I’m more excited about late nights falling asleep to Gilmore Girls after a full days work )

The Corn Maize at the Sauvie Island Pumpkin Patch
Oct 5th
The homeschooling group will going together this day, and I might try to fannagle some Evergreeners for another one the next week complete with the bonfire rental like last year… we’ll see what happens.
(View our coverage last year here! – same place as the previous link)

Annual Apple Tasting at the Portland Nursery
(See our post about last year’s here!)
“Portland Nursery
Friday-Sunday October 9, 10, 11 2009
Friday-Sunday October 16, 17, 18, 2009
Every year bring in the holiday spirit, turn on the music, and bring out the holiday cookies. Special children’s area with toys and decorations to delight all ages. Our open house is your first chance to see our stores decorated for the season.”

People’s Co-Op Harvest Festival
I haven’t found the dates on this, but its an annual thing and is sure to fall within this time period…
View our coverage of it two years ago here.

The Fall will be a little busy, yes, as ALL Falls are in Portland with young kids, I’m coming to realize. On top of area events, we’ll be hosting a home community at our Kenton House, hosting the homeschooling group here once a month, and my friend/colleague from Chicago will be visiting mid-October as well! I’m sure there will be the annual Evergreen halloween party and trick or treating on the 31st too. In November, I’m hoping to convince the Hubster that a 2 week trip to FL is in order (esp while the tickets are only $188!!!)

I admit, I can’t wait for Fall this year ESPECIALLY because my adorable kids will look so cute in their mama-made knitted hats Tee hee.

In no order of importance:

- “The Family Guy”

- alarm clocks

What are yours?