We all have one of those days. Probably often.

It’s not that something tragic happens or anything actually “bad”, really. It’s just that, even when you are feeling groovy, things around you just are sorta … not flowing?

Maybe I am posting this because it is August. August is, I admit, my least favorite month of the year. I love love love the Fall, Winter and Spring, but Summer has a few highlights and then by August I just want to fast forward to late September, Harvest Festivals and cool nights…

There is truly so much beauty and inspiration in life, but there are times that you have to look a lot harder than normal to see it. I can show you pictures of the kids and the garden, of tea cups and candles and butterflies — but what is beyond the frame of the camera lens? Do I have bad days? A messy house? Longings unfulfilled? Bugs in my garden?

Well, folks, I DO! And despite that I do deem my life magical and charming (thanks mainly to my sweet children, with little help from me!) – there ARE things outside the frame.

So today, instead of the usual Friday “This Moment” of cherished memories, I will let you see beyond the frame into the everyday not-so-quaint parts of my life.

I have dishes that pile up in just 6 hours:

and clothes that have been sitting in the washing machine for several days because I haven’t had time to hang them on the line:

kids who strew their clothes all over their room after you just put them away:

These bugs:

Who do this to all my beautiful corn:

A whole jar full of these bugs:

Who do this to my pumpkin patch:

Flowers that fade much too soon:

And kids who pick their nose:

Not to mention, of course, the AWESOME fact that I hear a litter of raccoons in my attic at midnight:

So, dears, take heart — and I will try too. Maybe if we can embrace life’s messiness and disappointments we can be truly grateful for all we have.

:: Beaver Lake, Lake Fayetteville, Brentwood Community Center, Eureka Springs ::

seeking spots to cool off in NW Arkansas…

For the last month I have had my doubts about staying in the Ozarks. With the change of seasons, I’ve felt driven in my search for a “next place” that would have less Summer heat, humidity, and mosquitoes, (and with better soil). You know where all my research landed me? Right back where I started.

All the places I thought I might like better, upon further inspection, turned up similar or worse heats, humidities, and mosquito counts in the summer. And those that didn’t, well then your facing deep, long winters or some other trade-off – at the very least, land that is not in our price range (at. all.)

So many things to think about when your dream is to operate a sustainable mini-farm for the rest of your life

The Ozarks feature, among other things, beautiful rolling hills– very green this time of year. Driving out to Cave Springs to get my mother-in-law from the airport reminded me of that. There are many, many natural spaces we have yet to find time to go explore – so many rocks unturned. It would be silly of me to think we’ve been there, done that, with regard to NWA only 4 months in! Surely I have more sticktoitness than that?

I do miss the city life of Portland sometimes – the tea houses, yoga studios, parks, libraries, biking over the Broadway Bridge (PURE BLISS), or catching the MAX (though I always forget to think about the times I sat at a bus stop in tears of frustration and shivering from the cold because I missed the bus! lol) I also, of course, miss some dear friends I made there and the general vibe of the peer group and inner neighborhoods one could find community in.

Adjusting to a new place is hard, as we anticipated. Things don’t always go as smoothly as we hoped (like opening the waldorf-inspired playschool and having a less than idyllic relationship with my landlord as a result). But there’s a lot to be said for sticking things out, for staying put, and for making the best of where you are.

Sometimes the very things I am moaning about are the things bringing another person joy. The Ozark Homesteader was just writing about gardening in this heat, seeing it as a sort of detoxing season for sweating out impurities. I often come across, in my research for a “better place”, folks dreaming of a place with rolling hills, lakes and fireflies, and I’m reminded that indeed where I am can be any one’s “little slice of heaven” given a positive perspective (maybe even Pollyanna attitude) towards it (just as I did so love the misty rain of Portland that others not from there thought would be a major bummer). That’s why some love Maine, others Montana, others Georgia, others Alaska – I think you gotta soak up the good from where you are and find sustainable workarounds for the rest!

I think the bottom line, or a few of them, is that the region we are in offers the community of family and friends we were hoping for when sitting at our lonely Thanksgiving table in Portland, as well as the affordable land and scenic views we’ve dreamed about. The rest is just not that important.

Our mini-farm (my retirement plan, to be implemented within the next 9 years) is something I continue to learn more about and adjust to my particular area more and more as we recognize the need to stay put to realize our goals.

And many of you are like me – dreaming of the Someday House in the Someday Place living the Someday Life. And that’s all well and good, but know that so much can be done right where you are. From backyard gardens, chickens and beehives; to spending more time with family, writing, drawing, or singing; or learning to knit, make bread, or ferment Mead: many a learning experiences can be had before you are ever on that Someday Land.

Here’s to dreams and good ol’ fashioned contentment!

This last week I’ve been reading two very interesting books; Radical Homemakers and Possum Living. Both deal directly with some societal “givens” about the way of modern life and what participation in the money economy in America is actually getting us in terms of progression – both as individuals, families, and a community and nation. How we measure success, needs, wants, status quo, happiness and contentment – so much. In some ways, it’s been taking me to places I’m not so sure I wanted to go with myself.

As a gal who grew up largely in a suburban retirement/tourist area off the Florida gulf coast, the mainstream idea was pretty much the ONLY idea I heard. I understood the message that struggling financially was very embarrassing; having the less than perfect car or periods of unemployment was considered downright shameful. The area was enjoying the facade of the “good economy” and housing spikes and EVERY ONE seemed agreed that the use of debt/loans/credit cards as not only necessary but indeed complimentary to the good life and the American Dream.

I think most of us know the truth now. I don’t know a single person my age without one or more of the following skeletons in their closet: shopoholics, workoholics, debtors anonymous, bankruptcy, foreclosures, unemployment, divorce, the list goes on.

The facade began to shatter for me shortly after our move to Portland 3 years ago. Our debt to maintain a certain lifestyle while in college and barely making ends meet became unmanageable and we enrolled in a counseling service to close our accounts and make one monthly payment with a plan to get out of debt in about 3 years. For two years, our debt payment was more than our housing costs, and that burden fell largely on me, as I was the one with a set of skills, a work-at-home-business with steady clients, and no addiction in my way (though not entirely – my co-dependency on other people’s praise and my workaholic tendencies certainly helped me maintain that role!)

After Chris and I began the process of recovering from a cycle of dysfunction and compulsive behavior (a subject I don’t approach much on this blog but one that is very much a part of our story as people, a couple and a family), we faced a set of challenges financially, including another job loss for Chris due to economic downturn and a “surprise” pregnancy and 2nd child to raise. My own grieving process and healing from all that had happened to us was still very much a part of my life, and is and will continue to be. Sometimes putting all that aside to attempt the daily grind is damn near impossible. I went through a lot of counseling and soul searching to motivate myself every hour I continued to work these last two years – and that was on top of the sheer fact that having a 4 year old and baby to care for full-time is more than enough of an exhausting job as it is!

For my part, I played my role because it was what I was used to. I hate this… but I admit that a large part of my work ethic has been in many ways egotistical, and in other ways simply a grasp for control and security. I often made huge decisions based less on my confidence and trust in God, rather on my survivalist mentality of avoiding hypothetical scenarios of danger that lay ahead.

I am so much like the women of the old testament who knew God had a plan and promise for their future (such as bless them with children), yet they were too impatient and unfaithful to see what God had in store for them, so they contrived their own plan (like having their husband sleep with another woman to bare children) – only to later regret it and find ever more bizarre modes of behavior to continue to live as though they are the author and finisher of their own story. The good news is that God always seems to work out the story, even the marred ones these women created, for His purpose. Every step we took out of preliminary REACTION to a fear based hypothetical DID some how have many positive repercussions and invaluable life lessons and amazing people along the way. But by the grace of God I stand…

This week has been so hard for me. I’ve asked myself things I’ve asked myself SO many times – but this week the answers are coming in… maybe you just have to be desperate enough to hear them. Or maybe hearing God reply when you are finally too fed up with your own excuses. Here’s an example:

“Why are my kids so draining?”

“Your kids aren’t what drain you. Your anger is what drains you. Your reactions drain you. Your unrealistic expectations drain you.”

Ouch.

On the eve of Chris finally finding work, something we wrestled with all year, all these scales are falling from my eyes. It’s breaking me. Hard.

Questions about whether or not my work is meaningful, if the services I provide are in line with my values of ecological sustainability, social justice, family, and community (a part of Radical Homemakers which I just can’t shake). Fears about the what if’s, i.e. what if I take risks and make space in my time for more lofty goals and dreams to emerge — what if I risk being broke (and anyway, what else is new?;) ) to pursue a LIVING (not just a paycheck) that integrates my family life, helps my community, and gives me a sense of fulfillment of my creative human potential?

I tried to work this out with my own carefully researched plan (there goes that old testament woman thing I was referring to). For months I’ve been hard at work to open a Waldorf-inspired part-time playschool for preschool aged children. Oh, the countless hours I’ve poured over books and recorded seminars and sheet music and my garden… I thought, for sure, this is the only thing that I can do that doesn’t take away from the life I want to give my children yet brings in the income necessary for us to finish paying off our debts and buy some little parcel of land somewhere in which we can live out our (my?) dreams of a little homestead that requires little or no participation in money economy to operate.

But that was shot down this week, big time, in a way that I am still puzzled by and not sure where to go from here. The verbal agreement of my landlord, the scale-tipping fact that I used to act on signing a lease on this rental home, was renigged, and I am left wondering what it all means and what I should do now. This was my plan, my eggs in one basket, to get out of my jobs working late at night and spending my whole day tired and worried about deadlines (deadlines that, to me, were arbitrary save the “fact” that I “do not let people down”).

Chris can work 50 hours a week with this new job, but if anything has been learned these past 5 or so years, its that there is no such thing as security – not in those terms. We are both hard-workers, but different things make us tick. And whatever did it for me all these years, it’s not doing it for me anymore. I see my children, I see the sunshine, I see the world, and I want to be with it all. All the time. I can’t find the energy to spare for activities that drain my reserves and return only the monetary cracker here and there.

Thankfully, I’ve learned a few other things. Or rather, am in the process of learning.

We can live on very little. That’s one thing. Being thrifty and learning new skills, we can now live on less than half of what we used to need in our budget to make ends meet. We may not have lots of leftovers to sock away funds for our dream home, or afford health care, but we do live “the good life” in many ways. We choose to allocate funds towards disease prevention (i.e. nourishing, nutrient rich fresh meals), we spend more time together and in the earth, and less (or no) time in cars, malls, and in front of tv’s. I must remind myself of these things from time to time, otherwise my list of shortcomings feels overwhelming to me. Maybe not by societal standards, but by standards far deeper and wider and richer, I feel blessed.

So. I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will take to, in the words of Kierkegaard, “with God’s help… become myself”. I could go all philosophical and point out the theory that we ARE what we are. How can we be what we are not? Still, with a view of a Creator, I cling to the hope that I can change:

Learn patience, contentment, grace, love, humility, stewardship, integrity, and peace.

I don’t know how long I will be able to plug away at work in the money economy. Perhaps if I can see it as a means to an end, I can muster up the motivation and see the sacrifice of my time and family as worth it. I don’t know. I am learning, however, that many folks before me have blazed the trails of an alternative means of living on this planet. They have been able to see beyond a life of fight-or-flight decisions and future-worry that is not only counter-productive, but admonished by Christ himself. They have found a lifestyle that is largely self-sufficient, community building, and good for the earth.

That is the journey I am on. But here, in this post, I suppose I am lamenting my “two steps back” that are inevitably part of it. We have been given MORE than we deserve and have often squandered the generosity away by jumping the gun and looking like fools out there running, thinking we are ahead, only to realize too little too late what we have done.

Ah well, I guess I am no better than any one else, am I?

For those of you who haven’t heard, Chris interviewed for a job through a temp agency on Friday and they took the bait! He began working on Monday, woo hoo!

It sure has been different these last few days- going to bed early, waking up early… both kids usually stay asleep, allowing me at least 30 minutes to myself. What a treat to eat, drink my coffee, check my email, and knit for awhile in front of an open window as the neighborhood birds wake up. Bliss! Finding time to work, that’s another story. I can’t stay up late to work anymore or else I’m zombie mama in the morning and godzilla mama by the afternoon. I’m working on opening up a 3 days per week waldorf-inspired playschool, which I’m so excited about, but I have lots of logistics to iron out first. In the meantime, I’m trusting that I’ll find the time and energy to continue bringing in my share of the income while taking care of the youngins too. Just an adjustment, really. Life is so full of them!

A cardinal nest just outside our door reminds us that we are not the ONLY family living on this property

The days are long without adult company – I almost forgot what it was like. I allow myself only 5-10 minutes to pop onto the internet during the day so I don’t get sidetracked from the multitude of things I have to do around the house now that Chris is gone (sooo… laundry and dishes and trash and bathroom cleaning doesn’t just magically happen. Who knew?)

When there isn’t something to clean or something to cook or some one’s butt to wipe — believe it or not, there are teeny tiny windows of time where I am NOT doing one of the above — there is our Waldorf-inspired kindergarten curriculum (3 days per week), walks, gardening, stories, art, games, and so on. The part that is so outside the norm is the lack of adult conversation. I don’t know how single moms, or those with husbands working two jobs or also in night classes, do it. I suppose this is why community support and extended family around is such a necessity.

We have been baking a lot. A new favorite around here is the recipe I found for chocolate cookies using whole wheat pastry flour, raw sugar, and crunchy sea salt on top. Finally, a replacement for that darn addictive cookie dough from Immaculate Baking Co.! One batch of this recipe costs about the same as a pack of the dough, but makes probably 4 times the servings. I’ll share more pics and the link to the recipe later this week…

However, I’m enjoying it. There are low points to the day, but that’s a given. All in all, it is really nice to focus on just the house/kids/myself without having to take into account and balance the needs and conversations of another adult. And it makes the evening time together that much more special.

Yay, dad’s home!

We are currently reading through “Radical Homemakers ; Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture”. I love it. Wait, no, I didn’t say that right. I LOVE THIS BOOK AND THINK EVERY ONE SHOULD READ IT. NOW. PERIOD. THE END.

But more on that another day.

With all the rain, we’ve resorted to hanging laundry indoors. Cloth diapering without a dryer is… interesting.

With all the rain (A week or more of straight up RAIN, thunder, and lightening. NOTHING like the rain I was used to in Portland. This is torrential downpour weather) we realized that the chicken coop was placed in an area of the yard that was quickly becoming a mudslide — and not the yummy, ice creamy kind. So it was moved to a place further up on the “hill” where they are happily not feather deep in goop.

This opened up a new space in the yard that gets lots of sun and lots of rain. I am fast at work on a garden plan that would put more raised beds in that space, along with container blueberry plants, tater tires, and perhaps a fruit tree or two.

Coming this summer: dwarf sugar peas, pole beans, dragon tongue beans, and heirloom watermelon!

Our pole beans are shooting right up, as well. When the sun peeks out again, we’ll be setting up an 8′ high bean tepee in the yard to let them climb for a shady summer resting spot. It’s down right magical to watch little tiny seeds become plants taller than you are.

Life is beckoning me to live it now, so until next time…

Since the start of tree pollen season here in NW Arkansas, I have been feeling way more drained and tired than usual. It didn’t help that this coincided with a week or two long teething spell for Verity! I was so sleep-deprived and discombobulated – it felt as though I had just had my wee one, only I couldn’t rest all day because I had two to run after and jobs to keep!

Towards this last weekend, I felt in despair. I thought something must be wrong with me – I have had no energy or attention span to work for more than about 2 hours a day, and I couldn’t focus on the kids very well either. Combined with dizziness while gardening and a few other things, I finally checked in with myself and began to get a regimen for getting back up to “speed”

With the help of some great advice from friends as well as a few chapters of The Fourfold Path to Healing; Working with the Laws of Nutrition, Therapeutics, Movement and Meditation in the Art of Medicine, I realized I need to revamp my dietary laziness. I’m following the recommendation in the book now, as much as possible: 40% animal source, 40% vegetable source, 20% grain source. The animal source must be raw as often as possible (raw butter, raw milk, etc) or pasture-raised fresh meats not cooked at too high a temperature (and bone broths, etc), the vegetable source can be only steamed or raw, and the grain source (and legumes, nuts, etc) must be properly soaked or sprouted.

What does that all have to do with sleep, you ask? Well, you’ll have to get the book or begin following Weston Price literature to get the nitty gritty. In the nutshell, however; eating this way means you are giving you digestive system foods it can properly break down, leaving your body with more energy for the other systems and functions (including brain — hormone! — function). I already eat only organic produce, pasture-raised meat, and unrefined foods. But what I don’t do enough is soak and sprout. Maybe once a week for a split pea soup or black bean side, but otherwise I bake with whole wheat pastry flour, etc. I do get sprouted sandwich bread and sourdough artisan bread, however, because I already had a gist for the logic behind it. What I didn’t understand is was how much I needed to eat, what percentages, and how those 2 or 3 days of eating a muffin and a coffee or something similar was contributing to my low energy level and moods. Man, you slack off just a bit and WHAM, teething, allergies, illnesses – (”I get knocked down, but I get up again!”)

Moving on!

Another thing I changed a few days ago was my sleep pattern. I never take naps, and I rarely fall asleep before 1am. I also can’t fall asleep for at least 30 minutes. Then I nurse a few times in the night and wake up around 8am feeling like I just went to bed. I am not a morning person, never have been. I feel cranky and ethereal for a few hours and can barely function until I have some protein in my breakfast (bowl of cereal = raving lunatic. poached egg on steamed kale = happy mama.)

On Mother’s Day, I took for myself a rare treat. A nap. What was odd, to me, was that I felt tired again early that night and crashed about an hour earlier than usual. Then Chris let me sleep in on Monday morning and do you know when I woke up? 10 o’clock! This was more sleep than I have had in a span of DAYS this year. And finally, I didn’t feel guilty about it – I didn’t fret over all the things I didn’t get done because I was asleep. Instead, I felt calm (no! getting sleep helps you feel calm! Say it isn’t so!) and trusted that this is what my body needed to do to recuperate. If that means I get behind on a few things, maybe those things weren’t that important. Also, maybe I’ll have the attention span and energy to finish them better and faster once I’m rested. For a few days now, I’ve taken naps (which, according to this article, DOES make folks learn better and increases memory function) and getting to bed before midnight. Already, the quality of my waking is more alert and energized. Halle-flippin-lujah!

I should add that I’ve also been more conscientious about taking my fermented cod liver oil (SO important, esp for pregnant/nursing mama’s!) and adding to it a range of therapeutic essential oils to support my immune and digestive system. Also back on the bandwagon is my use of lacto-fermented beverages. I’ve been drinking my homebrewed kombucha daily but slacked off on my kefir smoothies. Until I read that the recommendation for me to fight fatigue is also to drink less water (flushes gut with water – not letting stomach vile do its job in digesting the food) and more lacto-fermented liquids instead (kefir smoothies, yum!)

So I’m going to continue this super nourishing diet, extra sleep to support that I nurse all night still (attachment parenting, respond respond respond! ), and cod liver and essential oils supplements. Besides being a little more energized, calm, and alert, my skin is less red and rashy (woo hoo!). I’ll touch back after a few weeks and let you know if anything else is changing.

THIS is what I love about allowing negative emotions to come to the surface, yet having the perspective that they are not evil or wrong or stupid, but just a message. A message to make a change and shift your priorities. The few weeks of fatigue and restlessness and worry prompted me to take the time to do some soul searching. I journaled about some things I need to do, including getting alone and girl time each week, starting yoga again, along with the diet change and more sleep. I prayed about some of these things, in particular that I would find a good Vinyasa yoga class in Fayetteville, and low and behold, today I was at the co-op and saw a flyer on the bulletin about a new 6 week series for Vinyasa flow. It’s on Sunday afternoons, a great open time block for me, and not very expensive either. I’m soooo relieved!

After a good night’s sleep, I also emerged with some answers to things that were bothering me. Career changes/ timing, Chris’ joblessness, the kids, so many things. What was clear to me when I awoke was this: I need to focus on my faith, writing, art, and family. Period. The financial situation will iron itself out, likely in a way that I can’t even foresee right now. But having mini-breakdowns every week because there is no time for the things my heart and mind is needing more of is making me less productive and less joyful, more tired and more stressed out.

The blog, something I was ready to give up for lack of time to commit to it, might end up sticking around, if only for a place to share my thoughts. I’ll be taking a writing course with my neighbor soon (who actually named herself Ryder – cause she is a writer – which I think is so bold it’s cute). Next I want to take some watercolor courses. I’ve always felt really dyslexic when it comes to watercolor as a medium, and I want to remedy that.

Oh! And I’ll be hosting a summer reading group (through Vintage) to discuss the book “Radical Homemakers; Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture“. Can you see a theme here? Doing things good for my soul, learning to let go of roles I don’t need to cling to anymore, taking a leap of faith – eventually hoping to be more generous and infectiously joyful in a world so riddled with greed, fret, and hopelessness. Wish me luck

Well, I won’t go on – this is getting rather long. And I have a playdate, so…

Be the Light,

Mama

“The caterpillar trusts his maker that all is well. He does not cling to his old garment and thus is transformed into a magnificent butterfly. There is no pain, it is a natural transmutation. So it is with us. As the chrysalis is the bridge between caterpillar and butterfly, so is True perception the bridge between separation and Oneness. We are transmuting into a new state of being. Clinging to our caterpillar stage, our old ways of judgement, we shall never learn to fly into the dawn of a new day.” – Peter Erbe

While planting today, a truly majestic butterfly joined Ethan and I to steal a quick drink from my soaker hose on a warm sunny day. I was grateful for the moment to awe over his company.

We planted tomatoes (black prince, persimmon, green zebra, yellow pear, and whopper) and peppers ( red bell, yellow bell, and aneheim) surrounded by seedlings of carrots and lettuces. The small raised bed was then lined with marigolds and chives. Companion planting, yeah baby! Many of the starts I got from a local farm at the farmer’s market; a very sweet and helpful farmer who I was proud to support just a bit with my Mother’s Day moolah

Over on the other side of the front yard, a pumpkin patch is underway. We’ve seeded carving pumpkins, white pumpkins, and sugar pumpkins (for pie), along with a few varieties of ornamental gourds. Can’t wait for Fall!!!

This week’s homeschooling has been about beans We’ve read Jack and the Beanstalk and planted pole beans, dragon tongue beans, sugar peas, and some melon varieties. These will go in the backyard raised bed, a long 20′ x 4′ which will feature more stuff I’ve learned about companion planting. From what I’ve heard, growing your own food in the Ozarks is a lot different from the “plant it, it will grow” Oregon climate and soil I have only ever gardened in. I’ve had to learn about rocky, clay soil and nasty bug infestations and dry, hot summers – so companion planting helps with some of that, along with a proper composting system and lots of soaker hoses – which will eventually be hooked up to rain barrles. For more info on companion planting, check out the classic on the subject: Carrots Love Tomatoes. As for my backyard bed, I’ll be trying out the three-sisters method: the beans will be trained up corn stalks while the ground is kept moist by a covering vines — squash/melons/cucumbers. On the other end of the bed will be a large patch of strawberries (to collect fruit from next year) and kale. Little natural insect repellents will be distributed around the main veggies – mainly marigolds and some herbs.

The chicken coop is coming along, but I’ll show pics when we get the roof and the painting fine tuned. The three musketeers (Chris and his two new boyfriends : Trevor and Cheyne) were working on it last night while the women and kids enjoyed each others company amongst the backdrop of an Ortecho-style Cinco de Mayo celebration (make your own tacos and fried ice cream with Mariachi in the air).

May the music move you…

*First, a little business: Sarah- you were the winner of “Families, Festivals and Food”! Get me your address and I’ll get it in the mail!*

Life is mysterious. I know – how profound. But for real. And irony sure seems an ever present element in the journey. The criss crossy topsy turvy Oh-The-Places-You-Will-Go-Dr.Suess-ish-ness… I don’t even try to figure it out much anymore. The last 2 years of my life have defied or exceeded all of my former constructs. I am more convinced of the creative brilliance of the Creator of the Universe and less of the textbook, Sunday school “god” than ever before. I also get more angry and confused about it all. Sometimes it’s as absurd as growing and shrinking upon a bite of this and a sip of that down in that hurried little rabbit’s hole.

Some of you are nodding and the rest of you, if you are still reading, have glazed over eyes. I guess my mind has been full as of late. We’ve gone through a lot of changes and more are to come. For me, I’m trying to make decisions about what to focus on for awhile, even if that means sacrificing financial security. As I type, Chris is out applying at a new “green” home building retail store that just opened here in Fayetteville. The hours are perfect and his experience is so well matched, so yes, we are really crossing our fingers and saying our prayers. But he has lots of applications on lots of desks right now and who knows what the right thing will be at the right time. So we are playing a bit of the waiting game, while my own aptitude for pressing on as a work-at-home-mother with two young children in my care full time dwindles. My prayer right now is for a period of refreshing and refocusing to come, and soon!

Ok, I digress with a slideshow from Earth Day with my parents here in Fayetteville with us (sooo nice!):

My intention: to release. When my palms are aching from holding too tight, and my neck is sore from the tension of the load – put it down, drop the line, just release it all.

The expectations. The fears. The anxiety. The selfishness. The opinions. The consumption. The pain. Just let it go.

Embrace, instead, the reality of true freedom to Just Be. The reality of Love Incarnate.

Here are some pictures from this week:

A discarded robin’s egg found in the backyard reminds us: hippity, hoppity, Easter is on it’s way!

The office is very much a greenhouse at the moment. along with 42 heirloom tomato plants, we’ve got oodles of sprouts already from herbs, peppers, lettuce, melons, gourds, and more. Along with a huge assortment of sprouts from a tray Ethan plated all by himself for his flower garden: foxglove, sunflowers, columbine, california poppy, chinese lantern, money plant, marigolds, zinnia – the list goes on! It’s going to be so beautiful this summer!

Verity and I were on the news Saturday night! Talking about the farmers market (I was a total dweeb. I didn’t even realize this was for the local news, I said something like “good luck on your project!” to the young man as we parted ways- for some reason I thought he was a university student, lol! Then my landlord called to tell me it was good to see me on the 5 o’clock news! Ha…)

Finished Verity’s “pixie” easter bonnet

Ethan got a handmade easter basket at the farmer’s market. I admired the flowers, pottery, amazing bluegrass musicians, and handspun yarns. I purchased a huge local smoked ham (which a portion of is currently crocking for split pea soup dinner!)

My knitting and laptop are never safe from Verity’s curious little hands…

I’ve been spending ample time in the backyard, enjoying the new blooms while the kids play in their sandbox. We’ve been doing more garden bed prep, and have put up a nice clothes line set. Also found a $25 picnic table to put out there, above which is strung white christmas lights. Can’t wait for outdoor dining again!

It’s certainly getting green out there…

Easter baskets lined with sprouts (real grass!) holding hardboiled eggs, yogurt covered raisins and pretzels, a coconut bar, and a few gifts: a dragon bubble wand, beeswax modeling clay, and beeswax block crayons (for Ver), all courtesy of Bella Luna Toys. Ethan also got a “Milo” to play with his “Otis”, and a replacement “Scorch” for the one he lost and still couldn’t live without.

Ethan playing with new neighborhood friends: a sweet polish family who lives a few doors down who we bump into on our evening walks.

I guess that about does it!

Today: enjoy the release.

The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.

Carl Jung (1875 – 1961)

42 heirloom tomato have sprouted!

I remember reading about Carl Jung in my Theories of Personality class in college; his contribution to the concept of individuation played an integral role in my development at that time. When I came across that reading, it struck me. Wiki defines this concept as “the process through which a person becomes his/her ‘true self’” and further explains Jung’s belief that “Individuation has a holistic healing effect on the person, both mentally and physically. Besides achieving physical and mental health, people who have advanced towards individuation tend to be harmonious, mature and responsible. They embody humane values such as freedom and justice and have a good understanding about the workings of human nature and the universe.”

Along these lines, it was notable for me to learn about Jung’s idea of artistic expression as a healing outlet; “art therapy”. He spoke of creative expression as a means to becoming whole.

Ideas that, for me, rang very true. Since as far back as I can remember my life, I have sought to express myself creatively. This doesn’t mean I was ever a master at a particular art form, no. But the countless drawings, books, and poems collected throughout my childhood reflect my desire to be constantly creating something.

Being a creative being is, I believe, at the very heart of being human. It is partaking in something divine – the way in which we were created in God’s image. We are compelled to be co-creators with Him, even when we are completely unaware of it.

There is a harmony I feel when I am creating. It doesn’t matter if I am painting, writing, decorating a room, gardening, tending animals, cooking a meal, laying out a flyer, designing a website project, knitting, sewing, singing, strumming an instrument, taking pictures, building a fairy house with the kids – the medium is not what is important. What is important is that what I am doing is tapping into that limitless part of me that constantly accepts the challenge of a new creation, despite the time, energy or frustration involved, simply because the activity makes me feel more alive. And having children – rearing a family – what more glorious display of our co-creating privilege can we find? I am in awe of this often.

Creating is a spiritual act – one I can feel more acutely when working with natural materials – and without it in my life I begin to get all backwards.

At times I chastise myself for not having a more practical work ethic. For not being able to clock in – clock out at a job, regardless of the ease or pointlessness of the daily tasks, for the sheer result of a paycheck. Believe it or not, I admire those with that ability. Even in the most dire pinch, such work feels like madness to me (this is not an exaggeration – I believe I literally begin to lose my mind!). Without some element of creating happening, I feel panicky, straight-jacketed, and desperate for distraction.

Our family is at a shift, (life is so full of those, isn’t it?) and I find myself drawn to make some changes in my work life and load. While I await the unfolding of Chris’ next path, as he looks for work here in Fayetteville, I know this is an opportunity to fine-tune and adjust many of my personal goals and our goals and values as a family.

As always, I want to work with great flexibility for the sake of being my children’s full-time caregiver. But as Ethan enters Kindergarten age as a homeschooler and Verity is a walking almost-toddler, I am finding the need to revamp my priority of them, much more so than in previous years. This is a very high-need phase of their lives, one that will be over in the blink of an eye, and this fact weighs on me every single day. I don’t want to miss out on their childhood because I was stuck behind a laptop or too tired from a late work night to engage life with them. It breaks my heart, actually.

This shift will entail getting creative (there is that word again!) about how I co-support our family financially, how we make and spend and save money, and what our priorities are. From getting more self-sustainable, to finding ways I can cut back my “laptop” hours in favor of more holistic, integrated work-from-home-mom ventures. I am so eager to share my ideas, but for now I will continue to work them out and see how things shape up over the rest of the Spring. In the meantime, I am trying to stay the course with various jobs that have begun to dry out creatively, as the economy forces more and more companies to budget down to the nitty gritty tasks with little room for initiatives and creative projects. Luckily, I have amazing colleagues which help make the grind worth it. And on the side, I am getting my “fix” for creative expression through hobbies, knitting Verity’s birthday sweater, taking a photography course (will be starting a separate photoblog soon!), starting a nature journal, pen and paper journaling (something I haven’t done in years and years), and dreaming of the day I’ll finally write that book.

So there ya go. My courageous share…