Category — Current Events

In just over 24 hours, the year 2011 will be behind us. All of the events, thoughts, choices, growth, moves, meetings, struggles and successes will be closed up in a place reserved for “that year when…”

2011 was, for me, completely packed with changes. New: state, job, house, plot of soil, goals, community, school, and the minute details that are involved in each. It was very ebb and flow; for example, a long and lazy Summer, deeply experienced and meditatively approached, was followed up quickly by a fast-paced Fall with a vigorous work schedule and the re-awakening of driven choices.

One major choice was that of returning to further my education. As I wrote about recently, my first choice was giving me pause and I stopped to listen to that pause. I listened long enough to hear a gentle nudge in another direction, and discovered a Waldorf Teacher Training program in Wisconsin that partners with a local accredited college to allow students to also receive federal funding for most of the courses as well as eligibility towards a Masters in Education with Waldorf Emphasis. Being “only” 8 hours away, this solution was gloriously ideal.

I applied to the schools (the training institute and the college) and found out that Foundation Studies begin in 3 weeks! My head was spinning a bit, trying to merge all the logistical details into one semi-organized spot in my brain before brainstorming ways in which it could work for me to start on such short notice. Armed with the strength of hope, I got passed my fears and uncertainty about asking for help and sent out a “campaign” of sorts to raise the funds by taking pre-orders on my handmade goods through the Fall. Within 2 days I had enough orders to pay the registration fee, and within a week a few other generous donations towards other logistical costs (car rental, gas, food, babysitter, books). I was at once humbled and enthralled! The support of my community, both financial as well as emotional/spiritual, was opening a door for me that seems improbable if not impossible a year ago.

Next Friday night I will be sleeping (hopefully!) in a dorm in Milwaukee, having begun the first course that evening in my Waldorf teacher training. To say that I am overwhelmed would end 2011 with the understatement of the year!

The course itself, guided by the texts How to Know Higher Worlds (Steiner) and Meditation as Contemplative Inquiry (Zajonc), is definitely right up my alley and a part of my life that greatly needs more focus to bring my whole self into balance. To slow down and live consciously and mindfully has rarely been my strong point. My will and ambition often bites off a bit more than I can chew, and my fear of failing other people too often drives me to complete whatever I’ve set out to do — even when my health, home, and family are the sacrifice. If I am to become a teacher within a Waldorf model, then this is a wonderful place for me to begin — at perhaps my greatest personal struggle.

I have been repeating a Steiner verse to myself and to the kids often these last few weeks. I gravitate to the very thing I find so hard to do at times: find my Inner Quiet, my Silent Self… Christ in me.

Quiet I bear within me,
I bear within myself,
forces to make me strong.
Now will I be imbued with
their glowing warmth,
Now will I fill myself with
my own will’s resolve.
And I will feel the quiet
pouring through my being,
When by my steadfast striving
I become strong,
To find within myself
the source of strength,
The strength of Inner Quiet.
–Rudolf Steiner

2012 will quickly find me GOING – off to start this next adventure, trying not to be insanely worried about my kids back home! (aahhhhhh!) But my intention for the next year is not to be GOING so much. I want to become more of a human being, and less of a human doing. I want to have more time to notice what is right in front of me: when my garden needs water, or my kids’ need some cuddling, or my kombucha needs to be fed, or my sister needs a phone call, … or my body needs to rest.

Simply put, my sole New Year’s resolve is to better live in the present.

Happy New Year, friends.

We have had our first snow already, though within a day or two our winter wonderland has melted away. I’m looking out at the street lights glinting off the last of the crunchy ice on the ground. Taking a moment to pause and return here.

I’ve been a stranger to this space and coming back always feels a bit like trying on my skinny jeans when they are starchy and cold from the closet. Will I still fit?

{update}

We have crowded around the table in our little kitchen and shared a grateful meal; grain-free (on GAPS diet currently) and full of love.

Our advent tree has been selected, sawed down by the family who will adorn it with handmade items. Our resident 2.5 year old likes to stand by it and sing, “O tithmas teeee, O tithmas teee!”

Holiday craft/bake sale school fundraiser has been miraculously pulled off without a hitch.


(I made the Indian girl in the foreground, as well as the wool felted red-head in the pink dress holding flowers, and a few scattered items; Jack Frost and Father Christmas dolls, felted wool and knitted ornaments, etc. The handwork group/crafting time this season has been incredibly sweet to my soul. The sale for the school went really well – a major blessing.)

We’ve done our first of the annual “Living Windows” holiday event downtown. Here’s the Robot Family Christmas scene in the window of Poppies:

Lanterns have been walked. Martinmas and St. Nicholas Day has been celebrated.

Chris has a new job! He is enjoying his new gig as grocery manager at Natural Grocers very much, though the bakery crew and customers still hold a special place in his heart.

Ethan is missing a front tooth.

Mr. Merton Pfeffernusse has gotten a haircut.

Christmas carols are being sung; Favorite, curl-up-under-the-blanket holiday tales are being told; festive teas and lots of homemade raw eggnog are being consumed. Indoor games of mancala, go fish, tic-tac-toe, hide-n-seek, explore-with-flashlights, and tent building are happening, with a hearty dose of outdoor play mixed in — until Jack Frost frightens them back inside.

And I, dear friends, am very busy at present with all this and so much more. So this space of words and thoughts and images — it feels too crowded to me at times. My gut tells me to stay away for awhile, to let the moments when I might otherwise come to this blog pass over me in quiet rest – in the sacred doing of nothing.

Warmest blessings to you this advent season… may you find moments where you have nothing to do but be.

mama.

It’s been a while since I have shared pictures in this space. We have a bit of catching up to do!

To begin with,… Ethan turned 6 a few weeks ago!

::Here are some other Summer highlights::

The Summer nature table. (I need felted a sun and sun fairies with wool and hung them with a kool-aid dyed piece of silk.)

A contraptions set of wooden planks sent for Ethans birthday from his Nana is a daily example of how many things can be made for marbles with this relatively simple little boards!

Blocks cut and sanded from scrap poplar lumber is a much enjoyed birthday gift from Paw Paw and Maw Maw Su

one of our favorite spots at the park downtown. I sit and read and kids play under this huge pine tree or down by the creek for hours. We spot rabbits, squirrels, birds, bugs, and if you get there early enough, a wild bantam rooster walks around crowing!

Chris and kids explore the creek on Ethans birthday

Ethan on a trail walk this morning

a turtle discovered on our trail walks

huge water spider found at the creek!

fantastic beetle discovered on a nature walk

My summer seed collection on display by my desk

Verity continues to grow into a beautiful toddler, with golden locks, dark eyes, and olive skin...

Ethan tells himself a story about Blue and Yellow while doing some wet-on-wet watercoloring

What to do with old wet-on-wet watercolor projects? Make cards, of course!

Making sun prints in the backyard

Finished sun prints on display

Ver ready for the market with her mama-made knitted sun hat and a handmade dress passed down from our dear friend Misty in Portland

One of my favorite snacks lately: a fresh pizza dip for left over sourdough bread. Simply heat olive oil, garlic cloves, chopped tomatoes, and a jalepeno on a skillet with nitrate-free pepperoni or a spicy local sausage.. Add cayenne, chili powder, achioti, and sea salt to taste. Add fresh basil and cilantro, top with shredded raw chedder cheese. Yum!

Delicious oat groat cereal has been a morning ritual lately. Soaked overnight, the oat groats are cooked in the morning and then raw milk, raw eggs yolks, maple syrup/rawhoney, lavender buds, vanilla extract, and a pinch of sea salt are added to the pot (off heat). Ladel into a pretty teacup, and top with blueberries, blanched almonds, and ground flax seeds. Mmm...

Gladiolas in the sunlight

The word discipline has been on my mind lately.

Since moving to Columbia and starting up discussions with the local waldorf book group each week, I have come around to my own spirituality and beliefs in a way I haven’t in a long time – or maybe ever. It is as though parenting, storytelling, Steiner, etc has opened up a back window to my house of faith, and this new entry carries with it many familiar sights and smells, but I am caught by the fact that there seems to be way less personal baggage from this route — the new angle has allowed to me the view from a different side, and I am grappling with tenets of life and faith in a way that is removed from some of the intention, suspicion, and experience of my past. Coming at it from this direction has way less cobwebs. It is a refreshing experience.

When I began to understand the power of story, particularly stories told aloud to children, in the book group and through what we are reading and doing, I was lead, (and I do mean “lead”, as I felt this unmitigated pull from one book/resource to the next, having the subject opened to me layer by layer without at first even realizing the correlations between each, ) to a short personal study on myths (i.e. Joseph Campbell) and then began to look at religious myths and the role these play in integrating mankind to their Creator, throughout history, throughout cultures.

What I once saw as fake, legalistic, empty, ritualistic, etc, I began to get from a standpoint of human development and consciousness, (and by no means do I mean that I now understand it is I am getting at here – I have only tapped the surface of this subject).

I felt myself drawn to the mystery of my own religious heritage, the history of my church, the stories of battles and adventure and reformations… and even towards its sacred text (the Bible), in much the way Brian McLaren urges people to read it, not as a “rule book” but as a “narrative”. I wondered why, if I celebrate and honor the sacred stories for other people groups as important, crucial, real, and magical for that culture – why do I not see my own beliefs in this way?

In other words, perhaps there is a different way to approach my faith beyond that of a passive submission, unquestioning and often too full of pride, folly, ignorance, and judgement, OR the other extreme; a dogmatic, theological discourse on every verse in the canonized bible taken literally (and an inevitable exasperation with that discourse that leads to living a life of fairly inactive personal faith, because I can’t help but feel like it is missing the whole point!). And that different way would look something more like the ancient stories of my faith, as archetypes, and that in embracing this story in such a way, I could experience the true elements of the story (of any story) in a deeper way (much the way I am learning to craft stories for the kids, and let them sit with a story, and let it resonate deep within their being in the way that Waldorf education promotes).

I have immersed myself this Summer with some of my old favorites, like Thomas Merton and Kathleen Norris. I have been reading about storytelling for children while understanding its importance for adults as well, through authors such as Joseph Campbell and Thomas Moore. I have been setting my listening preferences to things I would have never expected – Gregorian chants and chanticleer! I am craving something sacred and I am finding it, and it is lighting up something within me that has felt displaced and wandering for some time now. For crying out loud, I am even falling in love with liturgy! I have been going through the Morning, Mid-Day, and Evening prayers in Shane Claiborne’s “Common Prayer; a Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals” each day and finding them tremendously meaningful and beautiful. I have been attracted to monasticism, reading several books on monk habits, including the Rule of St. Benedict, and looking up local monasteries where I might go stay for a retreat and understand more about this way of life. In my desperation for liturgy, I attended Vespers at a Greek Orthodox church here in town. This week I rented “Of Gods and Men” and just balled – I felt such a kinship to the French monks and let the movie really move me in a deep way — (they really did a great job with this movie – you must watch it!).

It is pretty bizarre to me, this refreshed thirst. I have very little experience in a liturgical setting and most of it wasn’t pleasant. But now I can’t get enough. Where for many years I cringed at the word “discipline” or “ritual”, I now feel like it has been a crucial missing ingredient in my life. As I am beginning to see how a child needs his parents leadership to push and stretch his will, so do I need my own (strong, ahem) will stretched and pulled. I need to make my bed each morning. I need to do the dishes as soon as I dirty them. I need to embrace the mundane, tedious, sacrificial daily work of being a homemaker in much the same way that monks embrace God’s call to a life in constant communion with Him through the mundane and unglamorous tasks at hand. Each scrub of the bathtub, cleaning up of my child’s vomit, chopping vegetables for dinner, or the discipline of keeping my checkbook balanced and home uncluttered can be a prayer; can be a meditation on being in the moment, of sobriety and depth, of thanking God in silence and solitude or chaos and confusion; of the losing of my life in order to truly gain it. Imagine that.

It’s also been really neat to watch Ethan this month, and my own mothering, as a result of some of this searching… We have made certain times of day even more sacred, particularly bedtime. I began collecting poems, verses, hymns, etc awhile back which correlate for different times of the day, and different seasons of the year. It’s a daily journal, in a way a daily office, but for our particular family. Ethan seems to really relish the spiritual songs. After our nighttime reading (we have finished the first four books of the Chronicles of Narnia since moving to Columbia, and he just eats them up. He is loving Prince Caspian right now and asks so much questions about Aslan in relationship to Jesus… its very dear), we light a beeswax candle and I read a verse about the flame being our reminder that God hearing our prayers and lights up the darkness, etc, then together he and Ver blow it out and in the immediate darkness that surrounds us, we begin to sing the Our Father. From there we may sing other songs, like Take My Life, Doxology, Be Thou my Vision, and Let Their be Peace on Earth, his favorites. It requires me to set aside my impatience and any feelings of bitterness or exhaustion; I am extending my evening but I am gaining so much by laying in the darkness with my children and having a time of family worship before bed. I have often been shy and unsure about bringing my faith into my children’s lives, but lately I have felt compelled to infuse their childhood with this mystical and beautiful story, and to enrich the growth of their souls with the words of these powerful spiritual songs.

And tying in with this topic of personal ah-ha’s and such, I’ve been coming back around to the topic of community, and going through some hardships here in Columbia at what community shouldn’t be, how much I miss my communities in other states, and how easy it is to give up and move on when things don’t go as we would like. By no coincidence I am sure, I had read Life Together (Bonhoeffer) earlier this year, and just last night before bed read a quote from that book in another I am reading, “Monk Habits for Everyday People” by Dennis Okholm. It was left with me shortly before bed. When I woke up, ate some pancakes, and we all ventured out to try a new church this morning, what do ya know it, they shared the exact same Bonhoeffer quote in the sermon (and the experience of the new church was very encouraging and sweet — we have settled on calling this one our local church “home” and look forward to getting more involved, yay!).

Things like that have been happening all over the place for me. One little trail leads to the next and I see this little glimpse of the corner of the tapestry my Father is weaving for me, for all of us. It is a nice confirmation internally, to feel like you are where you should be, that you are experiencing (whether pleasurable or painful) the very thing you are meant to experience at this time. It is a comforting thought, and one that sustains me today, through unknowns and disappointments, and amidst exciting possibilities and beautiful new connections.

Independence Day’s local weather foretold thunderstorms as we peeled ourselves out of bed to start the day. Lucky for us, the claim proved false.

Instead we enjoyed a day spent almost entirely outdoors, soaking up a mild Summer sun and the comforts of nature, family, and food.

This morning we packed up a small picnic brunch and headed around the corner to Shelter Gardens (go check out the link and come back). We recently discovered this public garden space nearly right in our own backyard, and it is fast becoming an important resource for us. It provides a space to sit among beautiful botany and mindful landscaping, with several water features, a couy pond with waterfalls, windchimes, bird feeders, an herb garden, rose garden, zen garden, etc. It also has a One Room School house replica complete with old desks and chalkboards and a wood stove. It’s totally Little-House-esque. I can’t wait to utilize the space for our daily walks and to do lessons here as well, since it is the nearest space to my home that offers a natural landscape and a little peaceful solitude (I live on a busy urban street with the fire department close by – the noise is constant!)

We took our time at the gardens, I did a bit of yoga in the grass and found some neat collections. The kids played tag and climbed trees, Ethan got a great skinned knee (the markings of a childhood well-spent!), and we ended with a story time around a big tree (readings from Tales Told Again).

Later we insisted on naps for the kids, were pleasantly surprised when they both (even the almost-6 year old) succumbed to Mr. Sandman (give me a dream…). When they awoke, we headed out to drop off today’s milk delivery to a few people in our milk co-op (and found some old metal vanity chairs on the side of the road that I can’t wait to repurpose into totally chic children’s chairs! you can see those in the final picture, as they came in very handy later in the day ) and then finally we were onward to Lake Stephens.

Lake Stephens. I don’t know what I would do without. Here I find a place that is the closest nearby element of that crucial element WATER. Maybe it’s because I am a Pisces. Maybe it’s because I grew up on the Florida Gulf Coast and probably spent more time in the water than in any other play as a kid. But my soul needs water – the liquid, fluid, dreamy element that nourishes me and brings peace to my active mind. Inside city limits in the Midwest, I find some solace in Lake Stephens. A man made lake, slightly funky water (if you’re used to the ocean or fresh water springs), a faux-beach… who cares? I lay out my blanket, take out a book, slip down my straw hat low on my forehead, and let the sun work is magic on me. We go all.the.time.

Today Chris and I brought our suits (vintage finds at the Salvation Army, .50 and $1, respectively!), and SUBMERGED. We played Marco Polo. We dug underwater pits. We collected pebbles from the bottom. Oh yes, we are grown-ass-adults, and we totally did. In such play, children and adults alike connect with so many soul enriching elements at once – the water, the earth of sand and clay at the lake bottom, the fiery King Sun gently toasting your shoulders, and the warm breeze of air giving any part of you out of the water the shivers! It is truly amazing how life giving it can be, how sensuous an experience, to spend time outdoors and get dirty!

There is also a water feature of sprinklers right behind the man-made beach, which the kids have fun with. Ver adores stepping on them and squirting the water in all directions. This apparently NEVER gets old.

After several hours, we began to get hungry of course. We brought some hot dogs and buns, and a small bag of charcoal, so we headed up the hill at the park in search of a free grill. We were fortunate to find an entire pavillion right next to a smaller playground that was reserved until 11pm, but the reserved party was dispersing as we walked up so we got the whole place to ourselves. We let the kids play, cooked up some franks, and had a race down a HUGE hill. My, how much better hot dogs taste after you’ve played and gotten yourself good and hungry!

Dinner eaten, we took to the streets and found an empty parking lot to let the kids do some Party Poppers.

Later, we headed to the top of the parking garage by Chris’ work and set up camp. Rag Tag theater (connected to Uprise where he works) was open, so we walked down, had a potty break, got some beers and popcorn, refilled water canteens, and came back up just in time for the show to begin (the show went off a mile south at the stadium – a very crowded event happens there so we joined the much smaller crowd on the garage rooftops downtown). As fate would have it, my camera was drained by this point so I have no pictures of the fireworks. But let’s be honest, you’re kinda relieved about that, aren’t you?

The tired kids slugged into their beds around 10pm …

I leave you with a snippet from Care of the Soul, by Thomas Moore (rocking. my. world. — love love love!… more on that another time) that I think is appropriate as we celebrate our nation’s independence:

“America has a great longing to be the New World of opportunity and a moral beacon for the world. It longs to fulfill these narcissistic images of itself. At the same time it is painful to realize the distance between reality and that image. America’s narcissism is strong. It is paraded before the world. If we were to put the nation on the couch, we might discover that narcissism is its most obvious symptom. And yet that narcissism holds the promise that this all-important myth can find its way into life. In otherwords, America’s narcissism is its unrefined puer spirit of genuine new vision. The trick is to find a way to that water of transformation [like Narcissus' pool] where hard self-absorption turns into loving dialogue with the world.”

click the full screen icon on the slideshow to view recent pics of our life a little bigger

I already seem to have a different kid.

For just 3 days now, I have been even more focused on connecting Ethan with nature, keeping all media out of his life, and keeping my explanations and talking to a minimum. The reason for this has been a sincere recommendation from some wise waldorf-inspired mamas/teachers at the local waldorf coop, who I recently had the opportunity to meet and “pick their brains” regarding Ethan’s life stage and whole-child well being. (P.S. I will be enrolling him in a 3-mornings a week kindergarten [his final year of kindergarten in waldorf education] for next year. P.S.S. I have been working again- a small bit each week, from home, with a cherished former client, which will allow me to pay for his part-time schooling. Serious answer to prayer!).

Without going into too much detail about Rudolf Steiner, Waldorf educational philosophy, anthroposophy, etc (for one thing, I wouldn’t be an expert enough to explain it right, and for another, you may not find it very interesting), I will try my best to sum it up as this: Ethan’s adult/thinking/intellectual side was awakened prematurely via adult logic, correction and conversations, over-explanation, etc etc. So he has what appears to be this verbal adeptness, sharp-witted tongue, analytical nervousness, and constant flow of thinking and conversation (as opposed to the “dreamy state” of childhood, play and imagination dominating rather than watching the clock, working on worksheets, worrying like an adult, etc). Sure, some of this is normal development, some of this is Ethan’s personality – but quite a bit of it has come off to me, for some years now, as imbalanced, disconnected, unassimilated… that is to say, the intellectual part is so curious, eager, anxious, reasoning, while his physical, emotional, spiritual self he carries kinda uncomfortably. Hopefully that makes sense.

(For more thoughts on this, two good articles here and here.)

It has been sort of an experiment for me to start in this direction. I have said for many years that we, as a homeschooling family, “set up tent” very near the Waldorf “camp”. There’s been a lot of it that resonates with me, particularly the vision of early childhood being unencumbered by the adult world. That has been extra hard to facilitate at home with Ethan, however, – for many reasons that I won’t go into because it’s not really all that necessary. But having hit this wall of confusion about Ethan’s, for lack of a better word at the moment, behavior, through observing things that felt “off” for me and have been quite a challenge that I didn’t know how to tackle. Some advised public school (keep him busy, put him with lots of kids, feed his intellect?) and others unschool (same reasons, along with “giftedness” and being able to accelerate by following his own interests), but rarely did I consider what I am actually most drawn to as a child development stance in the first place: that he needed to be held close, play more, relax more, more time outside, more time in open-ended handwork (no “right” and “wrong” way, no self-critique) and no time with media (preconceived images, electronic entertainment, stunts his own ability to imagine and be creative, “teaches” too much at too young an age, etc etc), and talked to LESS.

So that is kinda the why and how with this more focused next chapter of homeschooling/parenting for the kids.

While the playschool (which was waldorf-inspired) that I did from home a few days a week last Fall was where my heart was at, I honestly felt so discouraged by Ethan’s reactions to things – wondering if this approach fits him or not… In this world we live in, a child who does have some media exposure, a variety of peers, and is exposed to any of the massive amounts of commercialism out there, I think it is really difficult to craft this “beauty bubble” of felted wool animals and wooden toys and songs and backyards… I took it personally when he begged for battery operated remote control cars and plastic ramps and movies and candy and jump zone and bla bla bla! I second-guessed myself all the time, and coming from that place of lacking confidence in if what I am doing is right for this child, I didn’t quite know where MY boundaries were, or if it was even OKAY to keep certain things from a kid if he thinks he wants them, or just HOW to do this whole thing without compromising our families values?! Giving in didn’t feel good, being rigid didn’t feel good – I was so unsure!

But then I spoke with the mamas from the coop, was reassured that all of us moms are going through it with this generation of kids and the influences around our families and so on. And then I was given something I think I really needed: the validation that it is okay to be the Mom, in the role they call the “Authentic Leader”, to say – “no” but with confidence and without huge, weighty explanations (i.e. “no, we can’t buy the plastic car because the earth is dying from over-population and pollution, so let’s go learn about carbon dioxide and leaching and landfills and global warming so that you fully understand the implications of XYZ that has marketed to you by the Powers That Be who only have their bank accounts to be concerned about — which as it turns out is ANOTHER reason I won’t buy that car because we have no money.” – YES, that was an only slightly exaggerated version of my answer.) I thought, he is so curious, so verbal, so intellectual – he seems to “get it” so why not tell him the truth? Be straight with him. Right?! Lol

So lately I’ve been praying and trying to be very awake and mindful of how I answer, what I say to and in front of the kids, and keeping things simple and firm, and often playful if necessary. In light of “zero screen time”, (we were already a fairly low-screen family compared to mainstream parenting, but I gave in often with many conflicting thoughts and feelings about it): I’ve kept PBS Kids off, not gone to the library for computer games, not even put on background music (not just because it’s a Waldorf thing, but I actually tested the background music thing on Ethan by asking if he wanted it while we wet-on-wet watercolored, which he replied, “No, I can’t paint very well when there is noise in the room”!) I’ve been trying to remember that while kids deserve the respect and courtesy and empathy you would give another adult, they are NOT mini-adults, and they need the guidance and the strength of their Leader to help them navigate.

I feel like I should just pause here to say — I know not everyone fully agrees, and that, especially with the unschooling-type folks whom I also totally get, some of this is actually counter to what they think kids need (trust, choices, freedom, equality, self-directed?). I think there is a balance to find between the two extremes, for sure, and one that I am always on the look out to find But for now, I feel, personally, a deep intuitive response to this approach with my kids at this time. I feel this is the best way in which to guide them into balance through childhood of unhurried, natural play; with all the choices about what food is served, what toys are played with, what the media policy will be, what time is bedtime, etc made by the loving adults in their lives – not them. Besides, they will have plenty of time to worry about all the responsibilities and choices later. I respect all the hard-working, well-researched mamas who are doing things differently with their broods, and would never intend to put anyone off by talking about this approach as the ONLY “right” way. It is, however, the way that feels best for us. Moreover, it is the approach I feel my children and I need to bring healing to our home — and our homeschooling.

So far, I have been really impressed – had I any doubts and skepticism about the effects of going “all in” with the “waldorf way” right now, I have been gradually shedding them in light of the effects it is having on Ethan, particularly.

This was a child who I thought could NEVER be alone, would chatter my ear off, beg (intellectually) and reason and argue til he was blue in the face. He was nervous, anxious about the clock all.the.time. (for the last 3 days we have put black tape over all the clocks in our home!) and frequently out of bounds in his body, not understanding boundaries. While always a great kid, with a heart of gold and good intentions, he exhausted me to a point that I questioned whether this was just a “normal phase” or just his “personality”. I have sensed in the last year or so that he felt put-off by others, while highly self-critical in his efforts (darn perfectionist mama’s influence, to be sure!), that others were annoyed by his energetic-out-of-bounds-ness and talkative nature, and he seemed sort of adrift in a sea without a lifeline – without a constant strong source keeping him grounded. He seemed like a child who didn’t feel safe. Clingy to anyone who showed him attention, which he hoped would be every one.

I could say a million good things about Ethan – this almost-6 year old kid ROCKS and I couldn’t be prouder of him – and I’ve shared such things many times on this blog. But the above is what had begun to frustrate and concern me on and off in recent years, which is why I’ve shared them here. Most of my close friends and family are aware of these observations and have a few of their own.

Right now, however, I’m feeling hopeful, like a weight has been lifted as I’ve been given the permission to adopt a PLAN and that the implementation has been easier than I thought it would be, and the effects I am observing this past week, of both Ethan as well as myself and MY behavior, are really validating me, like a whisper in my heart: we are going in the right direction, yes, yes, more of this!!!

Ethan has been responding with a tremendous amount of love and affection towards his family, a sort of gratitude has been coming off him. He keeps smiling, and hugging, and saying he loves us. He seems positive, less critical, even more courageous. When I tucked him in last night, after ample time together, oatmeal maple-sweetened cookies he helped make, “tea time”, lots and lots of books and a story I made up for him, songs, candles, warm foot bath – he said, “I like the way I feel at night when I go to bed now. I feel safe.” (The previous routine was less heart-felt: dinner, bath, commands to get dressed, brush teeth, pick up room, read one book, sing a quick song, say a quick prayer, off to bed and a warning, “go to sleep, okay? Do NOT talk anymore!”) I’m trying very hard to infuse my time around Ethan with more acceptance, less talking, more hugs, more magic/less logic, more mindfulness. Parenting is a lifetime’s journey, but whenever I get back to these basics, for me, it feels right. Connected, balanced, thoughtful, and nourishing.

Another validating moment: I’ve mentioned that we have put black tape over the clocks. This was in an effort to help him forgo his obsession with the clock (no, really, I mean it!), to instead relax, find a flexible rhythm, and to keep him and us more involved in the present moment instead of living in and worrying about the future. But we did so with little explanation of WHY, just kinda “ho, hum, let’s not worry about the clock, what is the sun telling us to do?” kind of thing). Well at first he found this frustrating, of course, but after days of lamenting that we were keeping the time hidden from him – he was going off to bed with no idea of the actual time (roughly 8, at usual), and he remarked, “Now I kinda like that you guys won’t show me the time – I feel like the days are really looooong and fulllllllll and I’m so tired and just ready to go to bed!” *phew, I wasn’t torturing him!*

And the boy that can’t stop talking, who will never give me space, who will never be alone? Well, he seems to be getting balanced even this early in the new program: a boy who is reconnecting with nature through “practical work” (google it in waldorf terms if you need more explanation), who has been getting up before me and heading straight to the sandbox, a boy who can stay in the backyard for hours and hours in his world, hammering things and swinging and digging – therapy for the child who two weeks ago couldn’t think of anything “to do” and lived by the digital numbers on the oven to tell him how long until XYZ would happen. I am so happy for him – to see him just be a child is a mother’s delight.

Isn’t this what childhood should be; long, full days of nature and play and homemade food, leaving you eager for the pillow and the sweet dreams you’ll have? No worries about adult things, no quizzes on how to spell or add, no scientific names to remember, no critics of your work through grades or gold stars or punitive punishments for your mistakes? With an adult who is capable, composed, playful, warm but firm, where boundaries are clear and expectations are reasonable and age-appropriate? Where adults do not yell or hit or mock or belittle, or lack respect and virtue? Simply the child’s world of imagination and goodness and singing and experiencing through the senses the beauty all around them? Simple. Natural. Magical. Slow.

I think so.

It’s been quiet around this blog for awhile, I know. It’s been a struggle these last few weeks, while that was expected it still proves to be quite a difficult hurdle. The loneliness of being in a “new” town, no mama-connections for me or kid-connections for Ethan, combined with lots of transitional upset to our daily rhythms and the financial strain coming from a “down-sizing” move and reduced income while getting our bearing in a new city, so on and so forth. It is always a challenge for me to overcome (through surrender) the deeply felt emotions of disappointment that I work through from hurts both ancient and recent, and to move deeper into a realm of relating with myself and others with more grace, patience and acceptance than I sometimes feel I’m capable of. Never have I been more aware of my own inner turmoil, hardened heart, and exhaustive list of failures, which on one hand can feel like a weight I’m simply not strong enough to bare — which (hopefully, eventually) leads me to bring all of my guilt to He Who Can Bare that burden while I clumsily attempt to lay it down.

Still, sprinkled like bacon bits in the salad of my “rough patch” and “dark night” experiences are some enduring lessons and reminders; new preparations and growth that becomes invaluable for living this amazing and sometimes overwhelming thing called life.

The fact is, I am (we all are!) incredibly, unfathomably blessed, even if everything and everyone around me (which I cling to for purpose, identity, validation and acceptance) is stripped away. This I strive to remember. So yeah. It is what it is.

I’ll be back this week with more thoughts, quotes, pictures, and updates. Right now I’ve got a pile of homeschooling books from the library to glean inspiration from on this stormy day …

The life season I am in is uncharted territory. I like it. But its strange at the same time.

I am living in a city not far from where I originally planned on going to college, (as a teen still living in Florida, I had Missouri on my mind, and visited this area twice, even stayed a weekend only 30 minutes away in Moberly,) and finding myself here again is strangely like putting on an old shoe and realizing that not only does it still fit, it’s also conveniently back in style.

I am also not working. Now, I laugh at that statement because anyone who cares for children full-time knows that it is possibly more work than any other job on the face of the earth. But I’m not working-from-home AND parenting/homeschooling/homemaking and this is a first for me. It takes some getting used to, the lack of anxiety about deadlines and getting back to people, the replaced anxiety about budgeting and bills (which, to be honest, was there whether I was bringing home the bacon or not).

I have this memory: I was sitting in duplex in Portland 3 years ago, working a 12 hour day, and dreaming. Something struck me as I looked out over the lush backyard, full with lilies and tulips and cherry blossoms and apple trees and raspberries… and I was inside, on the laptop, working, while my son watched PBS next to me. This notion came into my head: I wish I could just be a farmer! While I don’t desire the actual life of being a farmer (not yet, anyway), what I was recognizing then was that there was something in me that knew how unhealthy this lifestyle was for me, that itched to get out in that yard as often as possible, and to learn skills that would increase my self-sufficiency and decrease my need for ever increasing amounts of income. It seemed such a crazy hack-kneed thought back then, even as I shared it with my husband we laughed at the absurdity, the out-of-reachness, of such an idea. Yet things did sorta begin to change, slowly my intention was towards increasing self-sufficiency and living on less. Then around a year ago, I remember breaking down into sobs, (many times), lamenting that I will never be able to JUST be a mom, JUST care for my home and focus on my children, especially while they are so young and need my attention so much.

Today I suppose I am just so grateful. It seems like Someone heard my cries, wiped my tears, and worked consistently in the background to orchestrate a situation in which I find myself exactly where I wanted to be, even when I didn’t want to let go, when I wouldn’t willfully walk towards the way life is now (Chris working at a local service job, me not working at all, etc). I would have never been able to paint the picture before me; I lack the imagination and sheer unearthly genius that the Creator has. But here I am, partially from an imposed trajectory of purpose and goals, but mainly due to the gracious hand of a loving Father who knows how to care for His children.

Today Chris went to his first day of work at the bakery. He rode his bike, he comped a yummy local meal and beer, and he thoroughly enjoyed himself. He came home from his shift by 3pm, invigorated with plenty of energy left for the second half of his day. It has been a looooooong time since he has been in a job that is agreeable to him on so many levels. Seeing him this way made my heart glad. Glad that I trusted his instinct to leave Fayetteville for Columbia despite my fears of how it would work, and glad that I embraced the challenge of yet another move for the sake of much needed changes in our family’s lifestyle.

My verdict thus far on my home is very positive. It’s tight, tidy, clean, and well laid out. I find pleasure in nesting into its corners and decorating it with special items I’ve collected over the years that mean something to me. It’s what I would call a “Vivian-sized house”: petite, yet strong. And so quick to clean! In addition, the city is so sweet – just enough of the crunch of a good ol’ granola-y college town, mixed with some of that “weird” eclectic, youthful vibe we enjoyed about Portland. It has lots of nearby farms/local food movement, very bikable, a good amount of mom-n-pops (locally owned shops, cafes, etc), and a relatively nice climate as well.

Our budget is blowing my mind a bit, too. I was fairly unsure about how it would all work, taking a job for less pay, etc. But then we got this great little rental for $500 a month with a nice sized yard for my chickens and gardens, and only blocks from the farmer’s market. As I blogged about last week, we don’t need to pay for internet anymore. So far, this has worked out nicely. I blog offline and hop on only to quickly communicate with friends/family. Chris’ smart phone works as a wifi spot we can use to hop on, and for bigger things we can go to the library or his work. Plus, Chris’ job has perks that ease the tightness of a small income, like good tips, free video rentals and movie tickets from 9th St Video and Rag Tag Cinema, free day old artisan breads from the bakery, and half off on bottles of wine. It amazes me how much we “needed” to “live” just 4 years ago compared to today. These days it seems like so long as we have God, each other, fresh food, interesting books, and plenty of yarn, I’m a very happy camper

In other news, the kids have been fighting a stomach bug since Saturday, which has kept us quarantined a bit this week since landing in Columbia on Saturday. This is probably a good thing, however. It’s forced us to move slowly, get to know our home, and spend less money going out and about. The kids seem to be finally on the mend and now I’m just crossing my fingers and taking my vitamins and praying I’m not next!

I guess I don’t know what else to share. I just feel like… a weight has been lifted, some prayers have been answered, and a calm has come over our family. I can sense the release as I learn to live on less income, no longer feeling the extreme pressure of needing to work, and seeing how a family can have everything it needs – heck, to even “afford” luxuries like time to garden, write, knit, read, etc – to be a Radical Homemaker, a Thrifter, a Scavenger’s Manifesto, a semi-Freegan… to continue the journey of simplifying and living well with less.

As our family prepares for our move 5 hours north to Columbia, Missouri next weekend, many things have been discussed via our lifestyle once in our “tiny home”.

For those of you who are yet to be informed, I’ll try to backtrack quickly and sum things up: back in January we took a trip up there at the leading of some sweet friends whose family we know from church here in Fayetteville. A fun, flexible full-time job for Chris opened up in the coming weeks at a bakery downtown that focuses on sustainable and local ingredients. We went back up a couple of weeks ago to look for rentals and found an older, small (750 sq ft I believe), 2/1 house (but to be fair, also has a basement, shed, fenced backyard, and hardwood floors) in our price range (to my knowledge, the lowest rent I have ever lived in, even as a child), located just over 2 miles from his work (so he can bike most days and I can have the car for me and the kids again, woo hoo!), just under 2 miles from the main library and the waldorf preschool, and 2 blocks from the farmer’s market. Oh, and we can have 6 urban backyard hens – enlarging our flock

So we are preparing not only via packing, cleaning etc, but also by going over some possible challenges and adjustments we’d like to take this opportunity to make.

For one thing, our current house this passed year is the first single family dwelling we’ve ever had (previously duplexes and co-housing were our residence), and it is also the most square feet we have ever lived in (a 3rd bedroom). It hasn’t been all that great, to be honest. It’s a lot to clean and most of it goes unused. I couldn’t help but feeling like, so long as I wasn’t needing the extra space for childcare income, it really wasn’t part of our “living simple” plan. The old Less is More, thing. I have, as you may know from reading this blog any amount of time, been attracted to the “tiny house” movement and peruse my copy of “Little House on a Small Planet” often dreaming of the day we can move into a yurt in the pacific NW or a derelict cottage in rural France SO – while one perspective might be that I’m moving into a drafty tiny house in mid-Missouri, I’m looking at the upside; a cozy space with less to clean and more in line with our values of living small and treading light on the planet. In addition, it meets our requirement for affordability, which allows us to find work that doesn’t compromise those values. (Aside: like the Radical Homemaker 4 tenets: community, family, social justice and ecology – any job outside the home must honor these, which is a lot of the reason we felt we should take the slight paycut for Chris to take a job at the bakery close to home, rather than his current job in AR which is 40 minutes away in a cubicle in the logistics industry.)

Okay, so we are all caught up now and I’ll try to get back to my point.

This transition is in some ways another phase of our journey towards sustainable, simple, intentional living, and with that step we are considering our lifestyle choices, and how we use our time and money is one of the main concerns. With a small single-earner income, no health insurance, all credit cards closed (our plastic-free 3 year anniversary is almost here!), every little bit counts.

One decision we’ve made is to not have internet when we move. Our average bill for highspeed internet is currently around $70 a month, which will be about 6% of our spendable income. Since I currently plan to not work from home any substantial part of my day, we no longer NEED high speed internet for my business, and the only thing we do use it for beyond that is watching shows on Hulu after the kids go to bed, or streaming movies on Netflix (we don’t have cable). Basically, for entertainment, mixed with a little educational documentaries here and there, (as well as my favorite internet uses: browsing recipe sites, blogs I like, and checking my email and facebook, all of which I can do quickly with routine visits through wifi cafes or the library with my i-touch).

I must admit, I’m not sure how it will work (!). I won’t see the finale of the few shows I watch until they are available next season to rent on Netflix (I know, I know, boo hoo – but ya know, its an adjustment!) And if I have a sick day, snow day, rainy day, etc in which movies becomes my only aid in entertaining the kids, we won’t have the internet (which we currently hook up to via HDMI to our tv as a second monitor) at our fingertips. Hmmm… am I talking myself out of this? lol

No. I know it will be good for us, and what’s more, we are reallocating a portion of that money towards something more valuable – a family membership to the ARC (columbia’s recreation and activity center) that is conveniently located 2 blocks from our house. With the remaining 20 bucks we’ll put towards an outing once a month (like the Missouri Botanical Gardens, zoo, museums, etc).

I know this will be a challenge for our family, and we are not big TV viewers as it is, but having it for a few hours a week is one of the few “luxuries” we can afford and I’m wondering how we will adjust to being without it, particularly Ethan who is majorly into on-screen entertainment and games.

But as I was saying, we’ll have the ARC – the classes and indoor track and pool will be great escapes that are much healthier for us than a few hours of tv a week! Next, I’m sure we’ll get even more into our weekly library visit where we haul 50 or so books out at each trip. And finally, I think we’ll have more time to spend in our hobbies and crafts, gardening, reading, as well as keeping up with chores. When I think about the money AND time we will be saving, I admit I get pretty excited!

And this brings me to some broader reflections I’ve had of late. One of the things about trying to live more simply that I’ve enjoyed over the last, oh, 4 years or so, is the challenge of my personal comforts and the sense of accomplishment over realizing I can do without things I once couldn’t have imagined. Choosing to be without a car (when we have access to PDX mass transit), or sharing 1 (living in a small city as we do now), or learning to cook from scratch, or figuring out how to allocate money from eating out/entertainment towards whole foods and self-made fun, or learn skills we would have needed other people to do for us in the past. We’ve had to get creative with buying from furniture, clothes, and decor from thrift stores and craigslist so we could avoid cheap products at the cost of unethical labor at Big Box stores. I’ve taken on coordinating the local natural food bulk buying drop so I would have access to warehouse direct prices on “real food”. I have been more committed to the tenets of attached parenting and home learning because I have to take a closer look at why I feel like “giving up” when things get tough and increasing my knowledge and network so I don’t burn out.

But briefly, in the interest of full disclosure and lest I mislead with some ideological and euphoric description of what I have experienced thus far: sometimes this journey SUCKS. Somethings work and somethings don’t, and working through the stress of being financially strapped (not always by choice! -and losing a job/clients is never fun, btw) or the piles of wet clothes in the living room or the whiny kids on a rainy day with no escape from the house, or missing out on things I would have liked to do because of no vehicle, or worrying about how to the funds to get my kid’s cavity filled – oh yeah, its not always “simple” and definitely not always a breezy summer day of homemade bread and sippin tea!

But somethings are simple, and more importantly, everything is meaningful. I’m learning a lot, I feel more equipped, and I am looking forward to the next phase… the unplugged (internet-less) tiny house in Columbia

Today was a simple day. Lately, there seem to be more and more of them. I am constantly having to remind myself to keep it that way – to not destroy the method by tacking on extra to-do’s, and to just “be” as often as possible.

A day like this, with no one down from the latest viruses that float around this great green and blue earth, has been few and far between. Linens were hung outside in the sunny 40 degree mid-day, chickens stayed out from dawn til dusk soaking it up, Ethan climbed a tree while the baby slept. And today was a day of learning. Ethan was very productive with all the things he got done, his reading and history and math and language lessons. I even let him do a computer game (Magic School Bus explores the Rainforest!), which is not exactly in our typical “way” to homeschool, but it seemed like a nice treat after a day spent on books and rulered paper and chalkboards…

Ethan. He is something else. In the quiet of our own home, he has truly begun to make changes in the way he relates to me, his respect and empathy and self-control. He is still incredibly energetic around new people, and continues to have a difficult time waiting his turn to speak, but the way in which he has been maturing these last few weeks has been truly a blessing to me. It has made our days much more enjoyable, our relationship much more sustainable, and even his dad and sister are relating better to him as he takes on the “air” of a 6 year old (who even lost his first tooth recently!!!). There are successes and failures, learning experiences, for us both. Parenting 24/7 is a colorful journey of ups and downs, to say the least.

And I’m not sure which came first, the chicken or the egg, but I’m also feeling — in general — much calmer, less rushed, more playful and quiet-toned, than I have in years. Giving up on devoting a major chunk of my day to income generating work has been a long-time coming, but I can still hardly believe how good it feels to flow about my day managing my household, attempting to catch up on the constant stream of childrens’ needs and wants, without the demands and pressures of an outside job zapping my reserves of time, energy, and patience out from under me. On top of not devoting major hours each day to working from home, I have also not been drinking caffeine, replaced now for THREE weeks with calming handcrafted herbal tea, high quality foods and supplements of vitamins and minerals that support my weak liver, foggy brain, and wacky hormonal glands. It’s been an interesting time, despite catching colds and this and that, because I have a very distinct mood elevation these last few weeks and I must say — I rather like feeling happy

As I blogged about recently, Chris and I ventured up through the snow to Columbia, MO this last weekend. The drive was wonderful, both times, and allowed us a great time of conversation we’ve been needing to catch up on. Our friends we stayed with were marvelous hosts in the most charming of homes, and the time we spent with them was lovely. Even though I caught Ver’s stomach bug of last week and spent most of the day Saturday feeling queasy, I am still very glad to have made the trip. Ethan, too, caught the bug, and that is my one regret that the poor guy was staying here in Arkansas with family when it hit him Friday night, leaving them to clean up the “mess” that comes along with a stomach virus. Thumbs down for that, but otherwise a good report. There is nothing concrete about us moving up there, but we can definitely see our family and lifestyle fitting in well with the area, and most importantly that the flexibility of a job at the bakery there for Chris would allow our family more quality time together and a better quality of life in general. Beyond that, though, it is too early to make any certain announcements. Definitely a neat little city with a great “vibe”, which we enjoyed if even just for a weekend.

Now we are faced with a few impending decisions – the first one being to give our notice and not renew our lease beyond next month (yikes!). I am finding this part difficult, despite all the complaints I have against this house, because in the end I came to this house to really make it my own and be here awhile. As I was cleaning these old wood floors and remember Ethan and I mopping together once and he said, “I know! It’s like we are giving the house a bath!” I sat on the front porch swing knitting and remember the first few weeks when Chris built and painted those “Mystery Purple” railings. Ethan and I always talked about blessing our house by keeping her clean, and when some one would get hurt because they were acting up we would joke that the old house was reminding us to be gentle on her and slow down. I have memories here in just one year, and in the end, as of right now, this old drafty moldy house is all I got. Transition and limbo and unknown are so much more difficult states of being to embrace than grounded, rooted, and established. I know that the roof over my head is NOT my home, in fact I was not even MADE for this world, but my insecurities cling to what’s familiar and has found it really hard to bite the bullet and actually leave this house, esp not knowing exactly when and to where. I know I need to dig in deep and gain some wisdom and perspective, and trust that when I Let Go, I will be carried in His Will.