I am knitting again, in between writing and peaking on the oatmeal. On the needles is a gift for a dear friend who was one of the first to “order” something when I put out my request for help so I could pay for my course and trip to Milwaukee last weekend. The yarn in my hands is forest heather, a golden flecked emerald DK weight wool, and I’m crafting a handkerchief headband whose pattern title harkens on the forest theme: Lichen.

The special, community supported way in which beginning my teacher training was made possible fills me with gratitude, and as I work to complete each order I am trying to be mindful of the donor the item is going to, filling myself with love and appreciation for their support. It is especially useful that this course is about meditation, as knitting itself can become quite a contemplative exercise. As I work with my hands, in my mind’s eye I am surrounded by large fir trees and a moss covered forest floor like the moist soils of Oregon. The deep green yarn tells of ancient mysteries that lurk behind the trees.

The truth is, my heart is heavy and my mind is unsettled lately, but when I dig deep I find that weightless joy abounds even in the midst of difficult times and decisions. I am delighted and surprised by this; that peace can transcend circumstances and fruitful hope can arise from the decays of failure is a calming anecdote in a world that is sometimes so damn confusing.

The inviting aroma of maple and cinnamon tells me dinner is ready…

The hike was lovely. The air was crispy and cool as we set out onto the trail; 5 adults and 5 children noisily bustling ahead. Close in we discover the remains of a crumbled foundation and set out to explore. We balance beam our way along the rocky establishment, mapping out the floor plan and speculating about the era it was built. We find a connected root cellar underground.

I wandered about with my camera, pointing and shooting where it willed. Through the lens I see an old rusty horseshoe, stuck up on a limb of a tree. After some maneuvering with a fallen branch, Chris managed to retrieve my prize and I was totally enamored with this corroded treasure and the stories it told me. My lucky horseshoe.

Nearby I discovered an old electric pole, with little metal house numbers (possibly?) nailed on. I didn’t take the numbers. (But I wanted to.)

The rest of the hike was beautiful. We ended on an expanse of deciduous trees whose turf was rich and mulchy with deer droppings and fallen leaves.

The kids found fairy homes and an all natural jungle gym.

And we found Verity a future husband:

All in all, I’d say it was one very successful outing.

Has been a busy Summer in ways, not really so much with a packed schedule but in terms of keeping up with everyday life. My garden turned in for the season after battling draught and heat waves and chicken nibblings, so there’s been little to no harvesting this year save 6 small jars of blueberry plum jam. Ah well, that’s okay.

The highlights of the last few weeks have mainly centered around the ending of Summer and beginning of Ethan being enrolled in the 3-morning/week Waldorf kindergarten here. Lots to do before school starts, and when they say it will require community involvement they mean it! From parent work days (painting, polishing, scrubbing, you name it) of the school house and gardens, to home visits (yep – the teachers care enough to visit the children’s homes before the school year starts), as well as a (voluntary, of course) parent/teacher workshop this past weekend. Up this week is a “kindergarten evening” and a “family potluck” School for him begins next Wednesday. Agh!

Suffice it to say, I’m a bit immersed in this world right now. It is difficult for me to articulate just how much inner transformation has happened for me since I moved here, and especially this Summer. Having the TV/movies off the majority of the Summer has been incredible, and has created so much more time for meaningful books and yoga and a prayer life and time outdoors. I have really strengthened my will, my resolve, to tackle things in my lifestyle to reflect a more mindful and conscious approach to every day life. Rather than lofty goals and dreams for each day, I may simply get my bed made, make meals for the kids and I, read a book, knit for ten minutes, keep up the dishes, etc. These tasks in discipline are often more than enough to keep me busy as well as balanced, and leave me more open to observation of the kids and the needs of the family around me. I think the task of a homemaker really is one of balance and harmony, which is so hard when in my selfishness I would rather spend the day doing things I enjoy as an individual and just sort of treat myself to whatever I fancy doing. The kids bring me back to reality: boy, I really want to sit down and paint for an hour — oh, yeah, I need to wipe Verity’s butt. I’m learning, (really, I am!), to accept this and appreciate it for all of the wonderful lessons such a life brings me. I know the mothering of little ones is not forever, and at this time my highest calling is to be present to this home – most importantly its inhabitants- by creating a soulful, flexible, unhurried, creative, nurturing space for us to flourish. Not easy, but so worth the effort. And so much comes not in technique or knowledge or talents, but in simply doing the “inner work”; growing into the person whose light and love permeates whatever is around them. A lifetime’s journey!

The weather here in Columbia has improved quite a bit, with a few days of sweet reprieve here and there where highs are in the 70’s and 80’s (instead of 100’s). I have enjoyed the transitional phase into Autumn and look forward to Fall — HOWEVER, I feel this year that I have no sense of restless anticipation coupled with discontent and fatigue over the previous season. Rather, I feel I lived deeply into this Summer. I did a lot of hiking and lazy days at the park in the creek and ponds; I caught a lot of bugs (vicariously through Ethan!), ate a lot of Summer fruit, really let it all sink in and be experienced with gratitude. I felt myself submerged in water, felt hot sand and rocks on my feet, got a great tan on my shoulders, and wore out my flipflops. After the Sensory Delight of Summer I feel satisfied and calmly ready for the seasons change around the corner.

We head to Fayetteville for Labor Day weekend – we can’t wait to drive up that long gravel driveway to my aunts house and sleep in the dark, absolute quiet of her country house (so opposite our inner city house, with the constant cars, fire engines, and dogs barking, lol). Will be so good to visit with sweet friends and family before returning home to officially begin the school year.

Sorry no pictures in a while – it is so easy to leave the camera behind when trying to conscientiously live in the moment with two young children. I’m sure I’ll find a muse someday soon and pick up the ol’ Nikon again

I plan to be back this week with some insights from the parent/teacher conference last weekend – if I can even mentally and emotionally unpack it enough to share here. We’ll see…

Until next time, enjoy your Summer ending- live it to the fullest!

As many of you know, my kids have never been to a day of “school”, and only just now, as Ethan has turned 6 last week, are we getting the question of “Oh what GRADE is he in?” or “What school are you going to in the Fall?”. I find myself having to begin knowing the most gracious and concise way to answer the questions, particularly an answer that satisfies and reflects who Ethan is, an answer he feels proud to use when questioned himself, so I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this lately (as if I don’t give it a lot of thought already, I know, I know).

(Our answer to “what grade are you in?” is made perhaps even more unconventional because in the Waldorf pedagogy, children at the age of 6 are in the crucial “Seven Year Change” and need to stay in Kindergarten through this year. Signs of readiness have begun, and will continue over the course of the year, but adequate time is to be given to the 6 year old to build up their “forces” so they are truly hungry and ready for the types of “main lessons” that will be introduced in the Waldorf First Grade year, after they have turned 7, rather than the mainstream age of 6 being that of the First Year grade).

In order to give myself less pressure this year, I am enlisting the support of the local waldorf-inspired kindergarten coop 3 mornings a week for Ethan. My goal is that I can focus on my own inner work, reflect on the direction I want to take in the coming year, and also strengthen my primary role as mama; getting more established in our family’s daily, weekly, and seasonal rhythms and connecting with the community and it’s resources so I am not “going it alone”, so to speak.

I hope I am not being overly optimistic here, but I have a sincere “gut” feeling that this year will prove to be a very successful one overall. I sense that I am where I am supposed to be, and that come what may, my experience here will produce tremendous opportunities, especially with regards to my direction with the children.

Contrastingly, I have had one really rough year prior; I have had tremendous doubts and confusion, about parenting issues and about educational options, and never quite felt like I found the answers I was looking for. I did feel alone in my pursuits while in Fayetteville, and exhausted by the feeling of going constantly upstream, against the current of mainstream educational philosophy. I also lacked the resources, like a car during the day, to connect regularly with some of the other parents in the community who might have had really like-minded beliefs and provided more support to me during that time. I had times of utter despair, even in the early phase of our landing here in Columbia, where I felt no other option was available to me but to put Ethan in public school as soon as possible, which was definitely for me a “last resort”. It was about that very time, when I felt I was at my wit’s end, that I finally got my “break” and met the local Waldorf-ish reading group, and from there things have taken such a different turn in so many ways I wouldn’t even know where to begin, but I think I’ve conveyed many of them here in other recent posts.

This has played a huge role in my determination to persevere with home schooling, and I suspect that without some sort of community-based support group, the experience of having a healthy, functioning home school (or unschool!) family would be incredibly taxing – if not impossible—and with ultimate burn-out. If I have any wisdom thus far in my very early journey, it is that finding a few strong fellow travelers who have been down the road further than you is absolutely crucial.

In any case, alternative education is rarely NOT on my mind, not only as a mother determined to provide my children with an experience outside of what the State is designed to provide, but also as a person who has always been interested in being an educator of some sort, but through beginning that collegiate training could not stomach the status quo and current state of the educational offerings available to the most of the public (government institutions, public schools namely).

I want to stress something here. It is not that I am anti-school, or anti-public school. In fact I would call myself a supporter of public school children/parents and any educator within the system that is dedicated to their classroom of children (God bless ‘em – I couldn’t do it!!!). I once read a remark in “And the Skylark Sings with Me” that resonated with some reasons I had personally considered for opting out of public education for my kids:

“In challenging public education’s mission, at least for our children, we implicitly call into question the entire administrative structure of school buildings, scheduled school days and hours and vacation, age-bound grade bands, classrooms with a prescribed number of children assigned, predetermined curricula, and arbitrary though strictly defined schedules for testing and evaluation. Taken together, these serve as the bureaucratic engine by which “adequate” educations are more or less produced; our experience indicates they have next to nothing to do with how children, how humans, optimally learn.” (italics mine)

For me, it was precisely the administrative “system” into which I would have to succumb to be a public school teacher that made me change my major. Regardless of how vastly different schools are from district to district and state to state, and how many amazing initiatives are happening in some public schools, for me the idea that my children would spend the majority of their time each day in that type of classroom environment, flooded with fake lighting and most always learning via bland, regurgitated, censored information in the form of textbooks was major turn-off. It was pretty much a non-negotiable for me that they need a much more invigorating, yet gentle and natural environment than that, and much more time spent at home, with family, and in their own pursuits.

When I thought about how I learn, and how I think all human beings optimally learn (and by learn I mean grasping ideas and concepts deeply into ones consciousness, not just rote memory), I came to the conclusions that: I learn at my own pace, in my own way, and perhaps most importantly – prompted by intrinsic motivation. Indeed, the fact that motivation is provided to public school students (and many other types of students, I might add, including the “school at home” brand of homeschooling) via grades assessments and rewards is a large pill to swallow for me; I believe it fundamentally alters the natural curiosity and desire to learn new things that children are born with, in a sense dumbing them down and utilizing behavioral motivation techniques useful for dogs and rats, but when it comes to the whole child well-being is simply NOT the best answer to the developing mind/body/soul.

(Yes, if you know me at all, you know that I do believe a child needs their “will” pushed along at times… I see a tremendous need for that in our current child-centered culture in fact. I admit I don’t exclusively trust in “intrinsic motivation” in each and every circumstance – which is where I differ from die-hard unschoolers, and where I find some aspects of Waldorf education a satisfying companion to my homeschooling ideals.)

My general thoughts about why I am opting out of public education is that I believe we can do better, and as parents/educators, we should feel called to do better (wherever we are placed, and especially those placed in the current educational system). Whatever schooling chosen for our varied reasons we weigh, not in the least of which comes down at times to simple economics at times – believe me, I know!, we simply must strive to give our children the types of learning experiences that enrich them to their core, at whatever opportunities we can find to do so, (and I have known some extremely awesome public schooled folks whose parents took this to heart and did a stand-up job supplementing them with deeper learning experiences in their hours at home, by the way!)

As for me, I recall too many days sitting in a classroom, listening to a lecture that was flat out uninspired and often not even all that educated, either reading my own material under the desk or writing poems or looking out the window at a lake nearby and wishing I could be out in the sun, feeling the wind on my face. Any real “learning” I have so far achieved, (and this sentiment seems to be shared by many parents who have decided to homeschool) has taken place outside a classroom setting.

I also began to realize these last few years that few (but important!) things are needed for the attainment of knowledge, and I don’t mean just book smarts but overall mind and life “learning” and preparation. Practical things, really. In no particular order, they would be: 1.) a community (this would include folks to live and learn alongside you, as well as cultural resources and mentor/teacher relationships, and finally service opportunities — and optimally community worship opportunities that provide the family with spiritual nourishment); 2.) a library/ or similar large catalog of resources; plenty of time outdoors in natural environments, having sensory experiences with things being studied; and perhaps idealistically I add, 3.) a rhythmic, nurturing home life (it doesn’t have to be perfect… but striving towards good rhythms, boundaries, and nurturing is definitely important!) I really believe these few things provide all one needs to obtain whatever level of knowledge they desire, and if given these, an unencumbered human will learn, all the time, for a lifetime.

Notice what is not on my list. Not special toys, educational or otherwise. Not expensive text books and curriculum. Not high tech gadgets, (I recently saw an ad for a school in which the students were all supplied with iPADS, which would be the learning tool they would utilize to the exclusion of all else — even proudly marketing that the students dissect a “digital” frog in biology! This is the exact route I am … pretty much vehemently against. I am not against technology by any means, but this is unnatural! How can one truly interact on a deeper level with the experience of viewing the inner physiology of a frog if they can’t access the specimen with any senses but their eyes?! I would argue that a good space to interact with wildlife –a state park creek is a fine example — is infinitely more valuable than a digital frog to dissect and label the parts! But I digress… few things annoy me more than expensive electronics labeled “educational”…)

Furthermore, history, if nothing else, has already done a great job in proving that brilliant thinkers, prodigies, and folks of various genius, (some in fields of science, politics, arts and humanities, and many just as adept at lesser-recognized but no less noble “fields” of child-rearing, homemaking, and community activism!) have not attained their means of knowledge via the government run educational system. There really isn’t, as far as I am concerned, any reason to speculate that it is the ultimate and optimal form of education – in fact I would say its not only unnecessary for the attainment of knowledge, but often the very system that hinders would-be brilliant thinkers. With this reason alone in mind, (though there are more), I never really see the point in the many questions that one inevitably gets once their decision to opt out of state run schooling is made known, questions such as “what if they don’t get properly socialized” or “are you really qualified to educate your children?” or, my favorite, “how will you ensure they are learning?” (as if they are EVER not learning, for one thing, and for another, I have many more doubts about their ability to learn in the public school environment than in their ability to learn outside of it!)

Rudolf Steiner, who began the first Waldorf School and which its subsequent pedagogy is aimed at mimicking, presented one alternative approach to the schooling of children:

“Steiner believed that conventional education stifled spiritual growth and led to dead, abstract thinking and stunted lives that characterize a society based on materialism.” – Rudolf Steiner, by Gary Lachmann

Waldorf education is built on a different assumption than that of Materialism (the philosophy that all of reality can be deduced to physical matter) – the main one being that a child IS a spiritual being, and thus the approach to the child’s learning is to nourish the “whole” child (as most would understand it, mind/body/soul — though some of you may realize that to Steiner there were more aspects to a person than just these three, lol. I won’t “go there” today).

Because of this view of child development on this multi-faceted level, the curriculum, if you could call it that, is structured very differently than that of state-run programs:

“Seven-to-fourteen year olds… are taught in a way that will nurture their imaginations, through pictures, stories, and other imaginative experiences. With puberty, the shift is to inspiration… when the ideas which were at first introduced in images can now be grasped directly. Then, with the age of twenty-one – recognized by many as the point of maturity, although, to be sure, maturation can and should continue throughout life – … the possibility of self-education arrives, which is the work of intuition.” – above biography

Now, this may sound a bit too much like the “age based” tenet of public school that I said is one of the problems I have with it, in an earlier quote (the previous quote was from an “unschooling” or “life learning” father, so that may help explain his emphasis). But what I wanted to get across in provided the insights of Waldorf education is that there is a intense aim at recognizing and nourishing the whole child, as they mature through each stage of development, and a keen observation of that child’s needs.

It is from this view of the child that I come to another of my main reasons to opt out of the public educational setting, or any that mimic it, because such whole-child needs can hardly be provided for in a large classroom setting, where an exhaustive amount of restrictions abound about what materials must be used, how they will get, if any, hands-on experiences to engage their studies with all of their senses, the types of meals provided for by the state, the types of dull, sub-alive elements (plastic, fake lighting, fake wood, etc) that surround them for hours and hours each day, — my list could go on.

The Steiner biography’s author sums up the point of Waldorf education nicely, I think:

“The central idea is to create a learning environment which can motivate live thinking and active imagination, and not the mere mechanical parroting of the lesson at hand…”

Many alternative forms of education has the above central idea, including many charter schools and private schools based on other pedagogies. I think that’s, well, that’s quite a start! If we could truly grasp this goal in our approach to education, I think the details would be less and less important ,and the overall values between alternative educational pedagogies would find a common chord. (And would that even public education be completely rebuilt and renewed with the aim of motivating live thinking and active imagination! Think of that!)

“A learning environment which can motivate live thinking and active imagination” is precisely what I want for my children, who, let’s face it, already have a Creator-given propensity towards “live thinking” as well as an “active imagination” – so my job is to ultimately nourish these current capacities!

And one last thought I feel necessary to add, is that of “end result” thinking when it comes to the decisions we make about schooling, particularly about preparation for adult life, future careers, or what college they will get into. I caution myself, and others in this journey, to not focus too much on this aspect of it, even if doing so is a bit against the grain. John Holt’s books talk about this a lot and I’ve gained valuable insight from them, freeing myself from the need to “showcase” my child’s achievements as proof that something I am doing with them is “working” (what does that even mean, anyway?!). Here I leave you with another quote from, “And the Skylark Sings with Me” that articulated this caution well, and culminates some of the thoughts I have shared today:

“I find there is something disempowering in the formulaic, “My Homeschooled Kid Got into Yale… and Yours Can Too!” genre, as it suggests that the learning experiences our children acquire today are intrinsically less valuable than those they might receive in the future at an institution more venerable than our backyard. We consider it important to resist the temptation to narrowly conceive of education as “preparation for life.” Children are living, breathing, learning beings in the present moment, and satisfying their need to learn is critical to their current quality of life, which has its own inherent value, whatever tomorrow may bring. If there is anything typical of my kids, it is, as of all children – unless or until it is ground out of them – their delight in discovery.”

Since moving to Columbia and starting up discussions with the local waldorf book group each week, I have come around to my own spirituality and beliefs in a way I haven’t in a long time – or maybe ever. It is as though parenting, storytelling, Steiner, etc has opened up a back window to my house of faith, and this new entry carries with it many familiar sights and smells, but I am caught by the fact that there seems to be way less personal baggage from this route — the new angle has allowed to me the view from a different side, and I am grappling with tenets of life and faith in a way that is removed from some of the intention, suspicion, and experience of my past. Coming at it from this direction has way less cobwebs. It is a refreshing experience.

When I began to understand the power of story, particularly stories told aloud to children, in the book group and through what we are reading and doing, I was lead, (and I do mean “lead”, as I felt this unmitigated pull from one book/resource to the next, having the subject opened to me layer by layer without at first even realizing the correlations between each, ) to a short personal study on myths (i.e. Joseph Campbell) and then began to look at religious myths and the role these play in integrating mankind to their Creator, throughout history, throughout cultures.

What I once saw as fake, legalistic, empty, ritualistic, etc, I began to get from a standpoint of human development and consciousness, (and by no means do I mean that I now understand it is I am getting at here – I have only tapped the surface of this subject).

I felt myself drawn to the mystery of my own religious heritage, the history of my church, the stories of battles and adventure and reformations… and even towards its sacred text (the Bible), in much the way Brian McLaren urges people to read it, not as a “rule book” but as a “narrative”. I wondered why, if I celebrate and honor the sacred stories for other people groups as important, crucial, real, and magical for that culture – why do I not see my own beliefs in this way?

In other words, perhaps there is a different way to approach my faith beyond that of a passive submission, unquestioning and often too full of pride, folly, ignorance, and judgement, OR the other extreme; a dogmatic, theological discourse on every verse in the canonized bible taken literally (and an inevitable exasperation with that discourse that leads to living a life of fairly inactive personal faith, because I can’t help but feel like it is missing the whole point!). And that different way would look something more like the ancient stories of my faith, as archetypes, and that in embracing this story in such a way, I could experience the true elements of the story (of any story) in a deeper way (much the way I am learning to craft stories for the kids, and let them sit with a story, and let it resonate deep within their being in the way that Waldorf education promotes).

I have immersed myself this Summer with some of my old favorites, like Thomas Merton and Kathleen Norris. I have been reading about storytelling for children while understanding its importance for adults as well, through authors such as Joseph Campbell and Thomas Moore. I have been setting my listening preferences to things I would have never expected – Gregorian chants and chanticleer! I am craving something sacred and I am finding it, and it is lighting up something within me that has felt displaced and wandering for some time now. For crying out loud, I am even falling in love with liturgy! I have been going through the Morning, Mid-Day, and Evening prayers in Shane Claiborne’s “Common Prayer; a Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals” each day and finding them tremendously meaningful and beautiful. I have been attracted to monasticism, reading several books on monk habits, including the Rule of St. Benedict, and looking up local monasteries where I might go stay for a retreat and understand more about this way of life. In my desperation for liturgy, I attended Vespers at a Greek Orthodox church here in town. This week I rented “Of Gods and Men” and just balled – I felt such a kinship to the French monks and let the movie really move me in a deep way — (they really did a great job with this movie – you must watch it!).

It is pretty bizarre to me, this refreshed thirst. I have very little experience in a liturgical setting and most of it wasn’t pleasant. But now I can’t get enough. Where for many years I cringed at the word “discipline” or “ritual”, I now feel like it has been a crucial missing ingredient in my life. As I am beginning to see how a child needs his parents leadership to push and stretch his will, so do I need my own (strong, ahem) will stretched and pulled. I need to make my bed each morning. I need to do the dishes as soon as I dirty them. I need to embrace the mundane, tedious, sacrificial daily work of being a homemaker in much the same way that monks embrace God’s call to a life in constant communion with Him through the mundane and unglamorous tasks at hand. Each scrub of the bathtub, cleaning up of my child’s vomit, chopping vegetables for dinner, or the discipline of keeping my checkbook balanced and home uncluttered can be a prayer; can be a meditation on being in the moment, of sobriety and depth, of thanking God in silence and solitude or chaos and confusion; of the losing of my life in order to truly gain it. Imagine that.

It’s also been really neat to watch Ethan this month, and my own mothering, as a result of some of this searching… We have made certain times of day even more sacred, particularly bedtime. I began collecting poems, verses, hymns, etc awhile back which correlate for different times of the day, and different seasons of the year. It’s a daily journal, in a way a daily office, but for our particular family. Ethan seems to really relish the spiritual songs. After our nighttime reading (we have finished the first four books of the Chronicles of Narnia since moving to Columbia, and he just eats them up. He is loving Prince Caspian right now and asks so much questions about Aslan in relationship to Jesus… its very dear), we light a beeswax candle and I read a verse about the flame being our reminder that God hearing our prayers and lights up the darkness, etc, then together he and Ver blow it out and in the immediate darkness that surrounds us, we begin to sing the Our Father. From there we may sing other songs, like Take My Life, Doxology, Be Thou my Vision, and Let Their be Peace on Earth, his favorites. It requires me to set aside my impatience and any feelings of bitterness or exhaustion; I am extending my evening but I am gaining so much by laying in the darkness with my children and having a time of family worship before bed. I have often been shy and unsure about bringing my faith into my children’s lives, but lately I have felt compelled to infuse their childhood with this mystical and beautiful story, and to enrich the growth of their souls with the words of these powerful spiritual songs.

And tying in with this topic of personal ah-ha’s and such, I’ve been coming back around to the topic of community, and going through some hardships here in Columbia at what community shouldn’t be, how much I miss my communities in other states, and how easy it is to give up and move on when things don’t go as we would like. By no coincidence I am sure, I had read Life Together (Bonhoeffer) earlier this year, and just last night before bed read a quote from that book in another I am reading, “Monk Habits for Everyday People” by Dennis Okholm. It was left with me shortly before bed. When I woke up, ate some pancakes, and we all ventured out to try a new church this morning, what do ya know it, they shared the exact same Bonhoeffer quote in the sermon (and the experience of the new church was very encouraging and sweet — we have settled on calling this one our local church “home” and look forward to getting more involved, yay!).

Things like that have been happening all over the place for me. One little trail leads to the next and I see this little glimpse of the corner of the tapestry my Father is weaving for me, for all of us. It is a nice confirmation internally, to feel like you are where you should be, that you are experiencing (whether pleasurable or painful) the very thing you are meant to experience at this time. It is a comforting thought, and one that sustains me today, through unknowns and disappointments, and amidst exciting possibilities and beautiful new connections.

Today we altered our family course by handing over some checks – solidifying our decision to sacrifice some funds to the enrollment fee to get Ethan in with the waldorf co-op here in town, both for a 2 week summer camp as well as the 3 mornings per week “kindergarten” (ages 4-7) next year. I also went to my second “book discussion” group with the waldorf community (teachers, parents, etc) today – we are reading through Eugene Schwartz “The Millennial Child” – good stuff! (I’m embarrassingly fascinated by the history of educational pedagogies and parenting philosophies – this is my version of GEEKING OUT!)

Today marks day number 10 of our “zero screen time” policy for Ethan. It’s been wonderful, even though at times (like when it is cold and raining outside and BOY that PBS kids could come in handy with my wired and whiney 5 year old!) I have had to really dig in deep to establish this new rhythm and live in a new way with my children – where there is no alternative to living together, playing together, cooking together, gardening together; to set myself (and Chris) as the authority in this way and to respectfully deny Ethan access to ANY screen time (nothing that makes electronic noise – though I have caved to a little music now and then – I don’t think I’ll ever give up listening to the classical music and programming on NPR on the radio during the day!) I’ll go into this facet of our lives more in another post, as I continue to analyze and test this decision for myself (it is not without great theorizing – I am a Mass Communications major, after all!). For now, the TV lies helplessly in the corner of the living room with two big, lovely play silks hung over it – a fluid work of art rather than a black box of digitized entertainment. Of course, Chris and I have no such rules and will on occasion catch up on a show or two, or watch a film together, after bedtime hours.

Ver just insists on hanging by herself on the monkey bars – remember when it was that easy?!

Another post for another time will be my thoughts on how to merge waldorf and unschooling – two driving (for me) and seemingly opposing ways of not just schooling, or even homeschooling, but indeed of family life as well! I am sort of in observation mode at the moment – reading a biography on Rudolf Steiner while reading How Children Learn (Holt) and trying to find the nuggets that build the bridge between the apparent tensions in the two approaches. Also, I have the fortunate opportunity now to be in this book discussion group I mentioned, where one of the leaders is a veteran of “waldorf” and “unschooling” simultaneously with her own three children, all of whom are grown. Such a wealth of wisdom I think all of us younger moms feel when we can “sit at her feet”, if you will, and see how she creatively and by all accounts, successfully, merged these two methods that appealed so much to her (as they do to me). But as I said, that’s for another time. I’m still gathering my thoughts there.

Verity recently celebrated her 2 year birthday, a sweet moment where she shyly hid in my skirt while we sang “Happy Birthday”. Her cake was a gluten-free vanilla cake with cream cheese mango icing, decorated with violets from the yard and two little beeswax candles. Happy Birthday, angel!

Let’s see… last weekend, we hit the farmer’s market, potted some herbs in pots from the thrift store, made more stock, hit a few garage sales (found myself a fishing pole – I am beyond excited to go fishing soon!), and weathered a strangely cold and wet May weekend. I, however, got a mama’s day out on Sunday, and spent a glorious afternoon at Uprise working, to be followed by a free movie at RagTag Cinema (a perk of being married to an Uprise employee!) where I enjoyed (immensely!) the film Jane Eyre (SO good!) alone with a $2.75 glass of red wine on a cozy little swivel chair. Have I mentioned how very much I love that Chris works there?! What a treat! (I envision more of these rare and invigorating afternoons in my future!)

our bog…

In other news, we dug a rain garden in a moist area of a backyard to channel the overflow of our rain away from saturating all of the ground into a slippery clay during rains. Er… it is more like a bog at this point. I am awaiting some rain and some toads and tadpoles and dragonflies (hopefully very hungry ones who will happily devour the inevitable mosquito larvae the standing water will attract!). I want it to be more like a wildlife habitat/pond with some native shade loving plants in and around it and a small amount of water to support a healthy little ecosystem. I envision the day when I see butterflies, bees, water beetles, dragonflies, toads, birds, and whatever other critters will find a little tiny spot of nature in my urban backyard. Sigh. Patience!

showing off our backyard clay creations

Ethan has been busy shoveling soil – er, clay – and finding the BAZILLIONS of cicadas hiding a few inches below the surface – our chickens are downright gorging themselves on this steady helping of delicious bugs for several hours a day. Our backyard is an all-you-can-eat buffet for my hefty gals. The four pre-teen hens we got last month are already full of adult feathers and are learning to scratch around the run and eat grass and leftovers. So far, no crowing – a good sign we have all girls, and therefore will soon have 6 hens giving us at least a half dozen of free range eggs a day! To say I have chicken-raising fever would be an understatement. Ignoring the raised eyebrows of our family members several years ago, I set out to raise backyard chickens and have loved every minute of it. So easy, so rewarding, so fun. Every one should have themselves a pair of hens.

I needle felted the kids this caterpillar – I just love these little wool creatures and how “alive” they feel. A satisfyingly quick project for an evening with hubby away at ping pong night with some co-workers (dad’s night out!).

Tomorrow we have plans to visit Rock Bridge State Park to play in some creeks and have a picnic lunch with a family we met a few weeks ago (at their garage sale). The homeschooling mom of FIVE boys graciously called to invite us out – I know Ethan will have a blast. Oh – she is also passing on her huge blackboard to us, how cool is that? Surely a feature in the next “Simple Pleasures” series of gifted, bartered, thrifted, etc etc…

This weekend we head to Fayetteville, AR! Can’t wait to see my dear friends and family I have been sorely missing.

Well, here’s where I wrap up my ramblings and save the rest for another day. Until then…

{{Before I go on, let me take a moment to apologize for the wordy length of this post. Sorry. Also, you will be rewarded with pictures at the end. But don’t skip ahead just because I told you that, because the content explains the pictures. (gotcha!) }}

I began reading some really excellent financial books that have given me some valuable ideas and resources, but most importantly the validation that living a life of frugality is indeed a freeing and valid choice (however un-American it feels at first!). The topic is exhaustive so I won’t go into all the details, but some resources for me have been primarily Radical Homemakers (my go-to!), Your Money or Your Life, and recently The Scavenger’s Manifesto, Made from Scratch and the Tightwad Gazette (check these out at your library!). There is so much about it that fascinates me as a subject matter and lifestyle choice, as it takes a certain amount of confidence to transcend the idea that voluntary simplicity (and foraging/scavenging/bartering/waiting/and often going without) is a deprived, resource-less, bohemian (though this word might actually be appropriate) life of poverty (or worse – laziness).

I can acutely feel the pressure, on many fronts, to just forget this whole business of living simply and just get a job job, put Ethan in public school, and force myself onto that hamster wheel because what I’m faced with if I do not do so seems too exhausting, lonely, challenging, and doomed-from-the-start. But I have never been one to unquestionably accept the status quot solution without at least researching and utilizing some alternatives that don’t compromise my heart’s values and desires.

To view the lifestyle instead as a challenge in resourcefulness and ingenuity and invention (the daughter of necessity?), a call to radically reject the consumer cycle (as the Scavenger Manifesto calls it, the “Want-Get” mentality) of materialism and waste and the myth of “choices”, and to capitalize on the lack of excess as a catalyst for gaining increased self-sufficiency and experience.

It’s been heavy at times, as I sit with the reality of compulsive choices I have made, the “treats” I wanted to “deserve” over the years and the financial pressures we have incurred both from our own choices or those of the “down economy”. While I have never had what I would have called affluence, often forgoing large things like extra vehicles or a house with more space than I need or vacations or store-bought clothes, I had to recognize that we had made choices with where what little money we had fell between the cracks (where did it go?!) on silly things like convenience food (i.e. “oh, we are going to the library, we’ll stop and grab bagels first”), expensive cheeses (next I need to learn how to be a foodie on a budget!), library fines, shipping fees, so on.

Our plan to move to Columbia and for Chris to take this flexible, enjoyable, sustainably-minded, locally-owned job was a calculated risk and I am in no way making it work without flaws just 4 weeks into this venture… *yet*. For our entire marriage I have worked (I’ve held a job since I was 14, for that matter), I financed over 90% of my private-education undergrad degree with grants/scholarships and work credits, and since having children I have been the main earner generating income from my own at-home business. Yet, for a variety of reasons I have shared in the past on this blog, we have been taking steps to switch these roles for sometime now, as continuing down that path left me stressed, strapped, unorganized, unhappy, and unable to homeschool. So I knew there would be sacrifices, but the idea that I could creatively figure this out was incredibly motivating for me and continues to be as I think of new ways to live and think about the choices we can make to realize this “dream” of living simply, learning more, feeling more enriched and fulfilled by a life of time and resources to live generously — while making as a household income less than we have EVER earned before, even while in college.

So rather than recount the unexpected bills and financial upsets to our last 4 weeks (though there have indeed been those too!), I want to move on to the fun stuff, the things that I am finding just slap-knee exciting about learning to be a tight-wad!

First of all, I think being frugal is a lot easier if you live amongst other frugals; in community with swappers, food growers, barterers, pickers, foragers, forgoers, and coupon-clippers. It kinda validates the lifestyle, which is definitely counter-cultural otherwise. I think these folks exist just about everywhere, you just gotta find them — and be willing to be their equal.

Secondly, there are a lot of hidden perks to being frugal that, if you can let go of the concept of “Want-Get” mentality, are pretty rad. Clothing swaps with stylishly-dressed donators are fun and easy. Garage sales and “free bins” amaze me. Bartering goods and services is highly effective. Learning a new skill so you don’t have to pay some one to do it for you is way more satisfying. Paying only a quarter of your previous monthly vehicle gasoline budget when every one on the news is lamenting the climbing gas prices is reassuring. Having even just a few bucks left over at the end of the week, rather than going into more debt, is rewarding. Learning to wait for something you would have just ran out to get as soon as you “needed” it, like a washer/bike/freezer/radio/whatever until you have saved for it and found the right deal (hopefully free!) fosters a feeling of contentment and relaxation, a mindfulness about accumulating goods. Keeping track of receipts, organizing bills, and forgoing “treats” is, well, it’s growing up, (and it also reducing a BUTTLOAD of anxiety at the end of a pay cycle! who knew? )

I will be posting again a weekly series I call Simple Pleasures – a record of things that were bartered, gifted, thrifted, made, grown, saved for, or given away that brought pleasure to my life each week:

Things like…

A family walk to the public library (which boasts NO limits and NO late fees!), where we forage for edible dandelions and violets, sight a groundhog, and work off belly fat – who needs a gym membership when you have legs?!). Our ten dollar weekly budget that gets us 2 gallons of raw milk and 2 pints of raw cream (homemade cream cheese!) every Monday on our neighbor’s doorstep. The bags FULL of amazing books, music and documentaries we bring back from the library. The free use of internet around town. The free movies we rent for family movie night at 9th Street Video because Chris works at Uprise. The free (local) coffee both Chris and I get from Uprise while renting the free movies at 9th street, on our way to getting the free books from the library. The knitted gifts to trade for babysitting. The free movie tickets on our date night and the $5 (total) we spent for the organic wine and beer we enjoyed while watching the movie. The outings of packed lunches at the park and nature trails just outside the city. The Easter baskets filled with sprouted wheat grass (seeds a gift from a friend) and sales on the organic bulk bin candy which filled saved egg shells from breakfast. The downright gourmet meals that can be made with a friends’ surplus garden grub and bulk natural foods from Azure Standard. The upcoming “Columbia’s Really Really Free Market” and the free backyard chicken processing workshop I will attend in the coming weeks (bringing home the bird for dinner!). The fishing I will take up this summer to catch a good supply of trout and the harvest I will reap and keep from my garden beds, whose compost was generously gifted to us in exchange for a half dozen of our chicken eggs and the tomato and pepper starts donated to us from the local urban farms surplus, (thank you Luke!)

… you get the idea. SIMPLE pleasures that offset some of the difficulties we have faced, and brought meaning and blessing to my life in often surprising ways.

It’s really quite fun to get even crazier!

This little home economics notebook from 1917 that I found at a thrift store was really inspiring. I’m fascinated with homemakers of the bygone era, who made due with as little as 1,200 yearly salary. Had to take a picture (but not buy! lol)

A virtually free (did have to spend a little money on the sweets), hand-made Easter tradition…

Easter brunch of whatever is on hand – quail eggs (a gift from sweet friend Natalie), fruit, plain yogurt with raw honey…

A simple park outing can be entertaining, fun, and even a bit of a break… at no cost at all!

Who needs a mall playground (without actually intending it, we haven’t stepped foot in a shopping mall in over 2 years and counting!) when you have nature trails, dandelions to blow, rocks to throw in a creek, and bridges to run across?!

I typically walk out of the library with armloads of books, as there are no limits, no late fees, and a great selection. This week’s focus was homeschooling resources…

Free meals during his shift, Chris enjoys free freshly made artisan sandwiches with locally raised meat sources, along with a glass of organic beer, 5-6 times per week. I have been impressed with how this has reduced the amount of groceries we go through each week! (gosh, his job sure sounds terrible, doesn’t it? )

Family dance jams are a nice way to pass the time…

Foraged edibles from the front yard – violets, dandelion flowers and leaves – beautiful, free nourishment

Diggin in dirt rarely gets old… finding worms, black beetles, grubs and cicada’s is just too fun!

“new” used books from the library used book sale

Tire swings from the tires just replaced on the car – endless hours of entertainment (I’ve lovingly nicknamed this swing Jenna the Babysitter)

This old suitcase ($1) and milk glass saucer (.25) from the end of a garage sale now serves as my undergarment storage and homemade salad dressing dispenser (respectively)

Big pile of great Spring sweaters (free from a clothing swap)

$1 garage sale vintage lamp base that just whispers my name…

Doll clothes found in a “free” basket!

A frugal “pantry” of bulk foods, collected eggs, and home brews…

A vintage typewriter for my prose (free in exchange for me learning to tinker with it and get a new ribbon)

I am living in a city not far from where I originally planned on going to college, (as a teen still living in Florida, I had Missouri on my mind, and visited this area twice, even stayed a weekend only 30 minutes away in Moberly,) and finding myself here again is strangely like putting on an old shoe and realizing that not only does it still fit, it’s also conveniently back in style.

I am also not working. Now, I laugh at that statement because anyone who cares for children full-time knows that it is possibly more work than any other job on the face of the earth. But I’m not working-from-home AND parenting/homeschooling/homemaking and this is a first for me. It takes some getting used to, the lack of anxiety about deadlines and getting back to people, the replaced anxiety about budgeting and bills (which, to be honest, was there whether I was bringing home the bacon or not).

I have this memory: I was sitting in duplex in Portland 3 years ago, working a 12 hour day, and dreaming. Something struck me as I looked out over the lush backyard, full with lilies and tulips and cherry blossoms and apple trees and raspberries… and I was inside, on the laptop, working, while my son watched PBS next to me. This notion came into my head: I wish I could just be a farmer! While I don’t desire the actual life of being a farmer (not yet, anyway), what I was recognizing then was that there was something in me that knew how unhealthy this lifestyle was for me, that itched to get out in that yard as often as possible, and to learn skills that would increase my self-sufficiency and decrease my need for ever increasing amounts of income. It seemed such a crazy hack-kneed thought back then, even as I shared it with my husband we laughed at the absurdity, the out-of-reachness, of such an idea. Yet things did sorta begin to change, slowly my intention was towards increasing self-sufficiency and living on less. Then around a year ago, I remember breaking down into sobs, (many times), lamenting that I will never be able to JUST be a mom, JUST care for my home and focus on my children, especially while they are so young and need my attention so much.

Today I suppose I am just so grateful. It seems like Someone heard my cries, wiped my tears, and worked consistently in the background to orchestrate a situation in which I find myself exactly where I wanted to be, even when I didn’t want to let go, when I wouldn’t willfully walk towards the way life is now (Chris working at a local service job, me not working at all, etc). I would have never been able to paint the picture before me; I lack the imagination and sheer unearthly genius that the Creator has. But here I am, partially from an imposed trajectory of purpose and goals, but mainly due to the gracious hand of a loving Father who knows how to care for His children.

Today Chris went to his first day of work at the bakery. He rode his bike, he comped a yummy local meal and beer, and he thoroughly enjoyed himself. He came home from his shift by 3pm, invigorated with plenty of energy left for the second half of his day. It has been a looooooong time since he has been in a job that is agreeable to him on so many levels. Seeing him this way made my heart glad. Glad that I trusted his instinct to leave Fayetteville for Columbia despite my fears of how it would work, and glad that I embraced the challenge of yet another move for the sake of much needed changes in our family’s lifestyle.

My verdict thus far on my home is very positive. It’s tight, tidy, clean, and well laid out. I find pleasure in nesting into its corners and decorating it with special items I’ve collected over the years that mean something to me. It’s what I would call a “Vivian-sized house”: petite, yet strong. And so quick to clean! In addition, the city is so sweet – just enough of the crunch of a good ol’ granola-y college town, mixed with some of that “weird” eclectic, youthful vibe we enjoyed about Portland. It has lots of nearby farms/local food movement, very bikable, a good amount of mom-n-pops (locally owned shops, cafes, etc), and a relatively nice climate as well.

Our budget is blowing my mind a bit, too. I was fairly unsure about how it would all work, taking a job for less pay, etc. But then we got this great little rental for $500 a month with a nice sized yard for my chickens and gardens, and only blocks from the farmer’s market. As I blogged about last week, we don’t need to pay for internet anymore. So far, this has worked out nicely. I blog offline and hop on only to quickly communicate with friends/family. Chris’ smart phone works as a wifi spot we can use to hop on, and for bigger things we can go to the library or his work. Plus, Chris’ job has perks that ease the tightness of a small income, like good tips, free video rentals and movie tickets from 9th St Video and Rag Tag Cinema, free day old artisan breads from the bakery, and half off on bottles of wine. It amazes me how much we “needed” to “live” just 4 years ago compared to today. These days it seems like so long as we have God, each other, fresh food, interesting books, and plenty of yarn, I’m a very happy camper

In other news, the kids have been fighting a stomach bug since Saturday, which has kept us quarantined a bit this week since landing in Columbia on Saturday. This is probably a good thing, however. It’s forced us to move slowly, get to know our home, and spend less money going out and about. The kids seem to be finally on the mend and now I’m just crossing my fingers and taking my vitamins and praying I’m not next!

I guess I don’t know what else to share. I just feel like… a weight has been lifted, some prayers have been answered, and a calm has come over our family. I can sense the release as I learn to live on less income, no longer feeling the extreme pressure of needing to work, and seeing how a family can have everything it needs – heck, to even “afford” luxuries like time to garden, write, knit, read, etc – to be a Radical Homemaker, a Thrifter, a Scavenger’s Manifesto, a semi-Freegan… to continue the journey of simplifying and living well with less.

For those of you who are yet to be informed, I’ll try to backtrack quickly and sum things up: back in January we took a trip up there at the leading of some sweet friends whose family we know from church here in Fayetteville. A fun, flexible full-time job for Chris opened up in the coming weeks at a bakery downtown that focuses on sustainable and local ingredients. We went back up a couple of weeks ago to look for rentals and found an older, small (750 sq ft I believe), 2/1 house (but to be fair, also has a basement, shed, fenced backyard, and hardwood floors) in our price range (to my knowledge, the lowest rent I have ever lived in, even as a child), located just over 2 miles from his work (so he can bike most days and I can have the car for me and the kids again, woo hoo!), just under 2 miles from the main library and the waldorf preschool, and 2 blocks from the farmer’s market. Oh, and we can have 6 urban backyard hens – enlarging our flock

So we are preparing not only via packing, cleaning etc, but also by going over some possible challenges and adjustments we’d like to take this opportunity to make.

For one thing, our current house this passed year is the first single family dwelling we’ve ever had (previously duplexes and co-housing were our residence), and it is also the most square feet we have ever lived in (a 3rd bedroom). It hasn’t been all that great, to be honest. It’s a lot to clean and most of it goes unused. I couldn’t help but feeling like, so long as I wasn’t needing the extra space for childcare income, it really wasn’t part of our “living simple” plan. The old Less is More, thing. I have, as you may know from reading this blog any amount of time, been attracted to the “tiny house” movement and peruse my copy of “Little House on a Small Planet” often dreaming of the day we can move into a yurt in the pacific NW or a derelict cottage in rural France SO – while one perspective might be that I’m moving into a drafty tiny house in mid-Missouri, I’m looking at the upside; a cozy space with less to clean and more in line with our values of living small and treading light on the planet. In addition, it meets our requirement for affordability, which allows us to find work that doesn’t compromise those values. (Aside: like the Radical Homemaker 4 tenets: community, family, social justice and ecology – any job outside the home must honor these, which is a lot of the reason we felt we should take the slight paycut for Chris to take a job at the bakery close to home, rather than his current job in AR which is 40 minutes away in a cubicle in the logistics industry.)

Okay, so we are all caught up now and I’ll try to get back to my point.

This transition is in some ways another phase of our journey towards sustainable, simple, intentional living, and with that step we are considering our lifestyle choices, and how we use our time and money is one of the main concerns. With a small single-earner income, no health insurance, all credit cards closed (our plastic-free 3 year anniversary is almost here!), every little bit counts.

One decision we’ve made is to not have internet when we move. Our average bill for highspeed internet is currently around $70 a month, which will be about 6% of our spendable income. Since I currently plan to not work from home any substantial part of my day, we no longer NEED high speed internet for my business, and the only thing we do use it for beyond that is watching shows on Hulu after the kids go to bed, or streaming movies on Netflix (we don’t have cable). Basically, for entertainment, mixed with a little educational documentaries here and there, (as well as my favorite internet uses: browsing recipe sites, blogs I like, and checking my email and facebook, all of which I can do quickly with routine visits through wifi cafes or the library with my i-touch).

I must admit, I’m not sure how it will work (!). I won’t see the finale of the few shows I watch until they are available next season to rent on Netflix (I know, I know, boo hoo – but ya know, its an adjustment!) And if I have a sick day, snow day, rainy day, etc in which movies becomes my only aid in entertaining the kids, we won’t have the internet (which we currently hook up to via HDMI to our tv as a second monitor) at our fingertips. Hmmm… am I talking myself out of this? lol

No. I know it will be good for us, and what’s more, we are reallocating a portion of that money towards something more valuable – a family membership to the ARC (columbia’s recreation and activity center) that is conveniently located 2 blocks from our house. With the remaining 20 bucks we’ll put towards an outing once a month (like the Missouri Botanical Gardens, zoo, museums, etc).

I know this will be a challenge for our family, and we are not big TV viewers as it is, but having it for a few hours a week is one of the few “luxuries” we can afford and I’m wondering how we will adjust to being without it, particularly Ethan who is majorly into on-screen entertainment and games.

But as I was saying, we’ll have the ARC – the classes and indoor track and pool will be great escapes that are much healthier for us than a few hours of tv a week! Next, I’m sure we’ll get even more into our weekly library visit where we haul 50 or so books out at each trip. And finally, I think we’ll have more time to spend in our hobbies and crafts, gardening, reading, as well as keeping up with chores. When I think about the money AND time we will be saving, I admit I get pretty excited!

And this brings me to some broader reflections I’ve had of late. One of the things about trying to live more simply that I’ve enjoyed over the last, oh, 4 years or so, is the challenge of my personal comforts and the sense of accomplishment over realizing I can do without things I once couldn’t have imagined. Choosing to be without a car (when we have access to PDX mass transit), or sharing 1 (living in a small city as we do now), or learning to cook from scratch, or figuring out how to allocate money from eating out/entertainment towards whole foods and self-made fun, or learn skills we would have needed other people to do for us in the past. We’ve had to get creative with buying from furniture, clothes, and decor from thrift stores and craigslist so we could avoid cheap products at the cost of unethical labor at Big Box stores. I’ve taken on coordinating the local natural food bulk buying drop so I would have access to warehouse direct prices on “real food”. I have been more committed to the tenets of attached parenting and home learning because I have to take a closer look at why I feel like “giving up” when things get tough and increasing my knowledge and network so I don’t burn out.

But briefly, in the interest of full disclosure and lest I mislead with some ideological and euphoric description of what I have experienced thus far: sometimes this journey SUCKS. Somethings work and somethings don’t, and working through the stress of being financially strapped (not always by choice! -and losing a job/clients is never fun, btw) or the piles of wet clothes in the living room or the whiny kids on a rainy day with no escape from the house, or missing out on things I would have liked to do because of no vehicle, or worrying about how to the funds to get my kid’s cavity filled – oh yeah, its not always “simple” and definitely not always a breezy summer day of homemade bread and sippin tea!

But somethings are simple, and more importantly, everything is meaningful. I’m learning a lot, I feel more equipped, and I am looking forward to the next phase… the unplugged (internet-less) tiny house in Columbia

We live in an unnatural environment, a world in which we were not designed to live. We were meant to enjoy a garden without weeds, relationships without friction, fellowship without distance. But something is wrong, and we know it, both within our world and within ourselves. Deep inside we sense we’re out of the nest, always ending the day in a motel room, never home. When we’re honest, we can see we handle our discomfort by keeping our distance from people, responding more to our fears than to another’s desire for love.

We wish we were better than we are, but we’re not.
…

Perhaps the majority of people who report pleasant feelings with only occasional struggles are … rearranging furniture in the motel room, hoping it will feel like home. When we succeed at arranging our life so that “all is well,” we keep ourselves from facing all that’s going on inside. And when we ignore what’s going on inside, we lose all power to change what we do on the outside in any meaningful way.

…

Dogmatism, a demand that we indoctrinate others with our understanding of what is moral, replaces an openness to investigating what God might really want from us.

…

Comforting thoughts about God’s faithfulness can keep us living on the surface of life, safely removed from a level of pain and confusion that seems overwhelming. But God is most fully known in the midst of confusing reality. To avoid asking the tough questions and facing the hard issues is to miss a transforming encounter with God.

…

Life is just too confusing, relationships too difficult, experiences too disappointing, and responsibilities too burdensome for people to easily pretend that the keys to effect living are just doing their duty and denying all that troubles them.

Parents are finding little help in all the popular formulas and principles as they try to deal with their daughter… They no longer feel confident as they do all they know to do.

Men sense their weakness and wish with all their hearts that they knew how to be meaningfully involved with their families. But their efforts to lovingly lead end up in failure. They then retreat to whatever sphere of life offers them a sense of competence, and live without the rich joy of being involved husbands and fathers.

…

We want more, and are therefore vulnerable to following anyone who convincingly holds out the promise of more. We try the latest spiritual fad… and we always come up short. Nothing satisfies, nothing works. In our heart, we know that our latest effort to follow Christ has left issues in our soul unaddressed.

…

Observing habits of self-discipline, orderliness, and general cordiality [bring to mind words like] effective, respectable, and nice. When I look at his life I think, “I should be more disciplined.” I feel a bit pressured, somewhat guilty, and occasionally motivated. The effect of my [struggling friend who responds to terribly disappointing struggle in his life by loving others more deeply], on the other hand, is not to make me say, “I should be more disciplined” but ” I want to be more loving”.

The difference is enormous. Some people push me to DO better by trying harder. Others draw me to BE better by enticing me with an indefinable quality about their lives that seems to grow out of an unusual relationship with Christ, one that really means something, one that goes beyond correct doctrine and appropriate dedication to personally felt reality. The few who report occasional glimpses of Christ that touch their souls more deeply than any other experience of life are the ones who entice me with the possibility of change.

…

An inside look [at our heart] must anticipate uncovering deep, unsatisfied longings that bear testimony to our dignity, as well as foolish and ineffective strategies for keeping ourselves out of pain that reflect our depravity. Each of us is a glorious ruin. And the further we look into our heart, the more clearly we can see the wonder of our ability to enjoy relationship alongside the tragedy of our determination to arrange for our own protection from hurt.”

- (from Inside Out, Dr. Larry Crabb)