It’s on, baby.

Since posting will motivate me and hold me accountable, here goes:

My friend Amy and I (possibly Misty?!) have plans to follow the 9 week couch-to-5k program in order to run in the Race for the Cure 5k at the end of September.

YEEK!

I ran cross-country in a past life, but otherwise you’ll find I’m not the most athletic person in the world by any stretch of the imagination. BUT I’m excited to get started, maybe lose these 10 pounds of mid-section pregnancy fat, AND race for a good cause. Since I just found out this weekend that some one who, along with her husband, “discipled” Chris and I during our courtship 7 years ago just passed away from breast cancer /related (the stuff just seems to spread and spread) and left behind 4 beautiful young children, I will be thinking of her the whole time.

The Race for the Cure brochure

The Couch-to-5K Program

Wish me luck!

I mentioned last week that I’ve started reading “Mothering Without a Map”. It’s been very interesting, and hard for me to read without putting it down to sit and think on it before picking it up again. Clearly, I have mother issues, lol. (I guess most of us do!)

Having been raised by my father, a construction worker single dad of two, my “roadmap” for motherhood was a bit confusing. I had gleaned many mothering techniques from mother “figures” in my life, even purposefully studying them from a very young age- learning how they packed a lunch, kissed goodnight, or cleaned the bathroom. But I never saw a mother of an infant, never saw a woman give birth or nurse. Can you believe it? 100 years ago that was probably so commonplace. Nowadays, many woman, maybe most, in America have never seen these things.

Except that I almost always had a cat who had kittens. I remember well the hour I spent stroking my cat while she labored through increasingly intense surges until she at last pushed out 5 little amniotic sacs of kittens. She was in “labor land”- faraway and focused — just like I was in my labors. She had them and immediately began to build the bond of touch; licking … nursing … purring. As the kittens grew, she continued to allow them free reign of her poor 8 nipples, ravaged by their little kitty claws kneading feverishly at them for milk. She played with them, but not too much, as she also had to take the time to take care of herself. She had to stand up and leave them “mewing” at her while she got food, drink, or a potty break. If one got out of hand, she wasn’t timid about giving them a little growl to keep them in line, either.

Thus, I learned most about mothering small children from my cat.

Then I had a baby. Ethan turned my world around. We had such a hard time breastfeeding that I came to really value nursing more than I had expected. I longed to nurse and hold my baby, not pump while I watched longingly as some one else gave him a bottle. In those first few weeks, some well-meaning friends gave me the advice that they swore worked miracles for their sister: schedule, schedule, schedule… and above all, let him CRY IT OUT. As they were talking, a knot formed in my stomach and I’ll never forget my thought… “That sounds so… so… unnatural!”

I proceeded to mother my little one on instinct as much as I could. I held him all the time, usually in a baby carrier. I couldn’t go back to work outside the home (when he was 8 weeks old, I tried one day a week working next door to him in a church daycare and I couldn’t handle hearing him cry and not being able to comfort him!) So I started working for myself, first with in-home childcare and later began freelance copywriting which turned into my current job as a virtual assistant. I co-slept with him until he was 9 months. Once we were nursing normally, he never accepted a bottle again- nor a pacifier, or even a sippy cup! I nursed on demand –rather than schedule– until he was 18 months (and grieved giving up our night feedings, let me tell you!) I didn’t spend a night away from him until he was weaned and I cried when I had to (I went out of town for work). The bond I had with Ethan was so strong, he was my little buddy, and I didn’t want to miss the fun, even the challenges, of watching him grow and learn new things each day. This has a lot to do with my desire to homeschool/unschool Ethan and Verity as well (OH, and more on that to come very soon! So exciting!)

It occurs to me now that much of what I did was leaning into the “attachment theory” way of parenting, a theory I now subscribe to and intentionally ALLOW myself to do with Verity. With Ethan, the connection was so strong, and the period of time when he experienced separation anxiety when I left him in sunday school or something was hard on us. But I tried to trust my, again, instincts, that he would be able to stay without me when he was developmentally ready to do so. Then one day, he was. He understood the concept of “coming back” and he flourished into a very independent, confident, and highly (overly? lol) social preschooler. Looking back, I don’t regret the times I held him “too” closely for modern, American standards. We have been able to establish an intimacy that I never had with any mother figures in my life, a gift I longed to give him since I ever dared to think of myself as someday being a… GULP… mother.

Now, there are all kinds of ways to mother, I know that. I have dear, dear friends who love their kids endlessly, who have very well adjusted little buggers, and did NOT “attachment parent”. This post is NOT about the way I did it being “right” or the only way. It’s about a young woman who had no roadmap and found attachment parenting, or what I might just call mothering instinct in my case, a saving grace — both to myself and to my child(ren).

So, a deep thank you to the flea infested, broken hipped cat named Faith, who taught me the very basics of being a devoted mommy (So sorry I had to bring you to the humane society when I left for college!)

Wow.

I don’t know where to begin – Verity and I are doing GREAT and I feel like I didn’t even just have a baby. I’m still stoaked at how much easier this experience has been!

So…

here’s some lovely pics for you from last night…

In a matter of minutes, babies go from…

OH-SO-CUTE (and I just have to point out — this shot looks like baby photos of me! Just peak at the gravatar by the post’s meta info- that’s me about age 2 with some kind of make up on- maybe halloween? )

to…

kinda upset, heh? –>

to…
WOAH! That’s just nasty… (zoom in on the mouth, folks!)

Ethan, (despite all his messes he gets in trouble for All.Day.Long.), is still SUCH a great helper. He says all the time how much he loves Verity, how cute she is, how pretty her outfit is, etc. He calls her “our baby” and so far hasn’t shown any signs that he feels she has “taken his spot”. He’s very respectful of her presence and the fact that mama can’t be with him as much as she used to. I’m so grateful he is old enough to understand and sweet enough to be who he is!!!

That’s all for now! Got work and chores and kids and so much LIFE to live right now… be back when things slow down a bit…

I love getting out and about again. Especially in weather that is a bottled form of HEAVEN.

Verity and I waiting for the bus. She was like this (PASSED OUT!) the whole day, all toasty in her wrap.

The last day or two I’ve been trying to get out of the house more. I’m finally able to leave my roll of toilet paper at home because I don’t have the need to blow my nose every 5 seconds, and I’m telling you- I seriously feel really, really good. I could take on the world!

Okay, anyway.

Today’s highlight was brunch with the fam and a trip down to the Art Hop on Alberta, just Verity and I, to hang with Misty. I love Alberta soooo much. It has a special place in my heart. Here are some pics of the street fair- which can best be described as Etsy, but on the street! Such talent around here, I swear! (Pay special attention to the picture of the stand with the sign “Advice – FREE”… only on Alberta, baby!

Here’s some more pics:

I supported a local artist by purchasing the $5 bag (with awesome pink Dia de los Muertos fabric) to hold my essentials onto my “diaper bag” (backpack from Rerun, $8!) so everything doesn’t always fall to the bottom. I was going to sew on a pocket of some sort but this works SO much better. Score.

I also treated myself on a very hot (for Portland) day to a handmade ice cream cookie from Portland’s own Ruby Jewel company. It is a – get this – Cinnamon Chocolate Chip cookie with Espresso Ice Cream. Let’s just say I devoured it faster than you can say “delicious”. The instructions read, wittily, “For maximum enjoyment, let soften for approximately 3 mins and 08 secs at 72 F (22.2 C) before eating.” The drink is a nifty concoction of water infused with herbs- namely, cinnamon, cardamom, and cloves. Um – woah. YUM!? This snack easily fits somewhere at the top of my $5 and under food list.

There were also a couple of diaper changes (CLOTH- which I will be blogging about later!) in the grass that were loads (pun intended) of fun

And last but not least, I splurged (.50 a piece!) on a few vintagey-cool buttons from Bolt for some Verity clothes/bootie projects in the works. Can anyone say ADORABLE?!

Conclusion: a beautiful day well spent with a great friend and lovely daughter. SOOO much better than sitting in the living room!

Okay, okay, I don’t think I had the swine flu, lol. But it was certainly one of the worst flu’s I’ve ever had. Luckily, my cough is becoming less frequent and more productive, and my energy is definitely up a bit. We’ve been sleeping better since sidelying nursing too, which is great.

However, I fractured a rib. I know. Seriously? Yep:

“You might be dealing with a simple fractured rib if any of the following symptoms are present: Sharp pain at a particular point on the chest that’s touched, sharp pain when coughing or breathing, bruising or deformity of the chest.”

Ding, ding, ding! Note to self: do not hunch over while nursing and then forcefully cough, thereby popping/fracturing/something painful to your rib cage. I now can’t take a deep breath, or esp cough, without pain, and usually have to bend forward to cough in order to take the pressure off my rib. When I stretch out my arms and straighten my back, I feel this weird “floating” bone feeling as my rib kinda protrudes at the spot of pain.

Anyhoo. I’m going the route of “let it heal itself” and hoping that the end of my coughing will allow it to heal. Of course, I also read this “Encourage the injured person to cough frequently. It’s going to hurt, but it will prevent secretions from pooling in the lung, which could cause pneumonia.” in an article about treating minor rib fractures and thought, pneumonia would be just FANTASTIC right now, with more sarcasm than I’ve ever mustered up in my life. Ever.

Otherwise, oh my, I love this little baby! She is so soft and warm and cuddly and – just, oh my. It’s so weird how mom’s just LOVE their kids. Pimply, peeling, cross-eyed goopy newborns through awkward, brace-face, acne covered teens. They are just angelic to the one who popped em out

Okay, well I don’t have vast amounts of time so I’m going to wrap this up!

Consider it wrapped.

Okay, last night we got Verity to stay more or less wakeful through a late dinner and Lost night. I went on instinct and decided to take a warm shower with her, breastfeed in the shower, and then side-lie nurse at night (my saving grace with Ethan, to get some darn sleep!). She nursed to sleep at 11:30 and didn’t wake up to nurse again until 3! Then not again until 6am and 9am! Each time she only nursed for about 10 minutes on one side. If it weren’t for my incessant coughing, I would have slept almost a full 8 hours. Instead, I got in about 6 hours, but it was nice! And Chris got to sleep through the feedings since I wasn’t waking her up much and doing diaper changes and what not (unless it was particularly needed).

So I’m grateful to have found something that could work from now on. The latching of a newborn in side-lie position is a little trickier than with an older baby, but so long as I can manage to do it without hurting my nipples I’m happy to keep doing this so we all get some sleep! (BTW- all chapped scabs are gone! If I had known to just nurse through it with Ethan, we would have been able to skip all that pumping and nipple shield crap. With Verity I feel like months ahead in my recovery compared to Ethan. God bless second children- already SO much easier!)

Speaking of breastfeeding, I am also grateful that today I finally discovered what the h*ll is wrong with my nipples. I have what is called Raynaud’s disease! Based on what I have read, I can self-diagnose this without hesitation. With Ethan, my nipples were white on the tip and painful yet every one told me the latch was good. I thought for sure, after nursing for 1.5 years with him, that I would have NO problems this time around. Yet here I am, throbbing with pain. I took a hot shower two nights ago and again noticed the white tips when I got out and was cold again, and I thought maybe it was a clogged duct or milk still in the tips, so I tried to circulate the milk a bit and sure enough I was able to get them to turn to a normal color and the pain completely went away! I was puzzled and finally today I looked it up and quickly found that 20% of women have this. Now maybe my husband will believe me when I tell him my toes go numb in the cold weather!!! He always says I’m not wearing warm enough shoes and socks but I swear, the pinky toes go completely numb in just 40 degree weather inside snow boots! I never knew! (Forgive all the exclamation marks, its just exciting to know I have a TREATABLE nursing problem!)

So, I’m going out for B6 and Ginkgo Biloba, and will be taking my cal/mag too, the few herbal things that are suppose to help with blood circulation in the extremities. If that doesn’t help, I’m going to get a prescription for the drug that most women find relief with and for many the white nipples (called “vasospasm”) never return! Woo hoo!

Ok, heading out into the cold today doesn’t sound fun- my boobs are already hurting just thinking about it. But I gotta get to the bank and to the store so Ibuprofen will have to tied me over.

I have some pics to upload so I’ll be back later.

OH- update on the laptop- I borrowed a new cord and it still didn’t work. So the problem lies in the “jack” if you will, and that means I have to take it in to be replaced or whatever. But of course I can’t right now so for now I’m trying to find a good position each day that the cord keeps it charging and then don’t let anyone touch it! lol I should be able to get a few hours of work done this way, and I’ll be praying that this lasts a few months until we have my paychecks rollin’ in again and get back on our feet.

Ok, leaving now…