{simple pleasures}

a new weekend Mama Seasons series about finding pleasure in something inexpensive or free in search of :The Good Life:

Farmers market: a $3 sun hat, as well as the usual locally grown veggies to eat and plants to grow. And an ice cold latte
A turnip man (free)
Bubbles (free)

Library finds:
In and Out of the Garden, Sara Midda
Taming the Truffle; The History, Lore and Science of the Ultimate Mushroom, Hall, Brown, and Zambonelli
Time of Wonder, Robert McClosky

Thrifted (vintage):
a pully for tree climbing adventures
tablecloth, bright and Summery
OJ pitcher for Saturday morning fresh squeezed orange juice
(pictures to come)

Gifted:
Lilly’s in bloom from a neighbor

Bartered:
Possibility of website work for a local bookstore in exchange for books!

Borrowed:
Rodales Successful Gardening Organic Herbs

Created:
A fort on an enchanted island, where the prince asks nicely for the fairy godmother to bake him magical cookies so he has the energy to escape the green aliens with big ears and bumpy toes that taste like bananas and regrow when they are bitten off.

This last week I’ve been reading two very interesting books; Radical Homemakers and Possum Living. Both deal directly with some societal “givens” about the way of modern life and what participation in the money economy in America is actually getting us in terms of progression – both as individuals, families, and a community and nation. How we measure success, needs, wants, status quo, happiness and contentment – so much. In some ways, it’s been taking me to places I’m not so sure I wanted to go with myself.

As a gal who grew up largely in a suburban retirement/tourist area off the Florida gulf coast, the mainstream idea was pretty much the ONLY idea I heard. I understood the message that struggling financially was very embarrassing; having the less than perfect car or periods of unemployment was considered downright shameful. The area was enjoying the facade of the “good economy” and housing spikes and EVERY ONE seemed agreed that the use of debt/loans/credit cards as not only necessary but indeed complimentary to the good life and the American Dream.

I think most of us know the truth now. I don’t know a single person my age without one or more of the following skeletons in their closet: shopoholics, workoholics, debtors anonymous, bankruptcy, foreclosures, unemployment, divorce, the list goes on.

The facade began to shatter for me shortly after our move to Portland 3 years ago. Our debt to maintain a certain lifestyle while in college and barely making ends meet became unmanageable and we enrolled in a counseling service to close our accounts and make one monthly payment with a plan to get out of debt in about 3 years. For two years, our debt payment was more than our housing costs, and that burden fell largely on me, as I was the one with a set of skills, a work-at-home-business with steady clients, and no addiction in my way (though not entirely – my co-dependency on other people’s praise and my workaholic tendencies certainly helped me maintain that role!)

After Chris and I began the process of recovering from a cycle of dysfunction and compulsive behavior (a subject I don’t approach much on this blog but one that is very much a part of our story as people, a couple and a family), we faced a set of challenges financially, including another job loss for Chris due to economic downturn and a “surprise” pregnancy and 2nd child to raise. My own grieving process and healing from all that had happened to us was still very much a part of my life, and is and will continue to be. Sometimes putting all that aside to attempt the daily grind is damn near impossible. I went through a lot of counseling and soul searching to motivate myself every hour I continued to work these last two years – and that was on top of the sheer fact that having a 4 year old and baby to care for full-time is more than enough of an exhausting job as it is!

For my part, I played my role because it was what I was used to. I hate this… but I admit that a large part of my work ethic has been in many ways egotistical, and in other ways simply a grasp for control and security. I often made huge decisions based less on my confidence and trust in God, rather on my survivalist mentality of avoiding hypothetical scenarios of danger that lay ahead.

I am so much like the women of the old testament who knew God had a plan and promise for their future (such as bless them with children), yet they were too impatient and unfaithful to see what God had in store for them, so they contrived their own plan (like having their husband sleep with another woman to bare children) – only to later regret it and find ever more bizarre modes of behavior to continue to live as though they are the author and finisher of their own story. The good news is that God always seems to work out the story, even the marred ones these women created, for His purpose. Every step we took out of preliminary REACTION to a fear based hypothetical DID some how have many positive repercussions and invaluable life lessons and amazing people along the way. But by the grace of God I stand…

This week has been so hard for me. I’ve asked myself things I’ve asked myself SO many times – but this week the answers are coming in… maybe you just have to be desperate enough to hear them. Or maybe hearing God reply when you are finally too fed up with your own excuses. Here’s an example:

“Why are my kids so draining?”

“Your kids aren’t what drain you. Your anger is what drains you. Your reactions drain you. Your unrealistic expectations drain you.”

Ouch.

On the eve of Chris finally finding work, something we wrestled with all year, all these scales are falling from my eyes. It’s breaking me. Hard.

Questions about whether or not my work is meaningful, if the services I provide are in line with my values of ecological sustainability, social justice, family, and community (a part of Radical Homemakers which I just can’t shake). Fears about the what if’s, i.e. what if I take risks and make space in my time for more lofty goals and dreams to emerge — what if I risk being broke (and anyway, what else is new?;) ) to pursue a LIVING (not just a paycheck) that integrates my family life, helps my community, and gives me a sense of fulfillment of my creative human potential?

I tried to work this out with my own carefully researched plan (there goes that old testament woman thing I was referring to). For months I’ve been hard at work to open a Waldorf-inspired part-time playschool for preschool aged children. Oh, the countless hours I’ve poured over books and recorded seminars and sheet music and my garden… I thought, for sure, this is the only thing that I can do that doesn’t take away from the life I want to give my children yet brings in the income necessary for us to finish paying off our debts and buy some little parcel of land somewhere in which we can live out our (my?) dreams of a little homestead that requires little or no participation in money economy to operate.

But that was shot down this week, big time, in a way that I am still puzzled by and not sure where to go from here. The verbal agreement of my landlord, the scale-tipping fact that I used to act on signing a lease on this rental home, was renigged, and I am left wondering what it all means and what I should do now. This was my plan, my eggs in one basket, to get out of my jobs working late at night and spending my whole day tired and worried about deadlines (deadlines that, to me, were arbitrary save the “fact” that I “do not let people down”).

Chris can work 50 hours a week with this new job, but if anything has been learned these past 5 or so years, its that there is no such thing as security – not in those terms. We are both hard-workers, but different things make us tick. And whatever did it for me all these years, it’s not doing it for me anymore. I see my children, I see the sunshine, I see the world, and I want to be with it all. All the time. I can’t find the energy to spare for activities that drain my reserves and return only the monetary cracker here and there.

Thankfully, I’ve learned a few other things. Or rather, am in the process of learning.

We can live on very little. That’s one thing. Being thrifty and learning new skills, we can now live on less than half of what we used to need in our budget to make ends meet. We may not have lots of leftovers to sock away funds for our dream home, or afford health care, but we do live “the good life” in many ways. We choose to allocate funds towards disease prevention (i.e. nourishing, nutrient rich fresh meals), we spend more time together and in the earth, and less (or no) time in cars, malls, and in front of tv’s. I must remind myself of these things from time to time, otherwise my list of shortcomings feels overwhelming to me. Maybe not by societal standards, but by standards far deeper and wider and richer, I feel blessed.

So. I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will take to, in the words of Kierkegaard, “with God’s help… become myself”. I could go all philosophical and point out the theory that we ARE what we are. How can we be what we are not? Still, with a view of a Creator, I cling to the hope that I can change:

Learn patience, contentment, grace, love, humility, stewardship, integrity, and peace.

I don’t know how long I will be able to plug away at work in the money economy. Perhaps if I can see it as a means to an end, I can muster up the motivation and see the sacrifice of my time and family as worth it. I don’t know. I am learning, however, that many folks before me have blazed the trails of an alternative means of living on this planet. They have been able to see beyond a life of fight-or-flight decisions and future-worry that is not only counter-productive, but admonished by Christ himself. They have found a lifestyle that is largely self-sufficient, community building, and good for the earth.

That is the journey I am on. But here, in this post, I suppose I am lamenting my “two steps back” that are inevitably part of it. We have been given MORE than we deserve and have often squandered the generosity away by jumping the gun and looking like fools out there running, thinking we are ahead, only to realize too little too late what we have done.

Ah well, I guess I am no better than any one else, am I?

Using all natural fibers is an important part of the Waldorf inspired playroom, and one of the key elements of the Waldorf play materials is the silks. The main brand that puts these out will cost you roughly $10-13 dollars for a colored square silk, and it goes up from there for skirts, robes, banners and flags, etc. Expect to see prices of nearly 100 dollars on the larger play canopies!

In my opinion, there are far more important things to spend money on when it comes to your home school program. Books, for example. Oh, lovely books! There are too many to recount – but I would start with anything from Elsa Beskow or Gerda Muller or Sibylle von Olfers, to name a few. Sweet stories and imagery to capture the imagination – to me, that’s worth every penny!

For many other things, you can learn to make yourself. Knitting playthings, wooden blocks, beeswax candles, etc: all of these one can learn to make to create a unique, handmade, inspiring setting for the young child’s mind to become unleashed. Not to mention making your own Play Silks!

It’s very affordable and very easy. Simply order some undyed silk scarves (prices range from .99 to $5), buy a big jug of distilled vinegar and a whole lotta Kool-Aid. Yes, kool-aid. Hey, there’s a reason we call is Waldorf- INSPIRED.

We spent an hour in the front yard today making our beautiful new play silks. I did two sets of rainbow colors, one in a 6″x24″ and one in a small square 21.5″. Then we did some tie-died mix-n-matches with a few larger squares. Lastly, 2 long playsilks were dyed in colors of either “warm” hues or “cool” hues. These look so awesome and I can’t believe how easy it was (totally a kid-friendly project). This fantastic assortment of playsilks would have costs hundreds of dollars from the-you-know-who company (which are oddly enough made in China- not a superior company it seems to me), but the whole sha-bang ran me a total bill of about $50. Yay for saving money! Big fan.

I would suggest, however, taking the “wear gloves” part seriously, lest people begin to wonder if you are an axe-murderer by night

Here’s a tutorial with exact vinegar/hot water/kool-aid ratios. Enjoy!!!

Enjoys long walks in the woods… gardens… long wood tables… a fireplace…

I’ve read almost THREE (well, really 4 but one is mostly pictures ) books in the last week or so, (I guess that’s what happens when my knitting is packed away? lol) and they’ve been so wonderful for my soul.

From Heaven on Earth; A Handbook for Parents of Young Children, I continue my journey through homeschooling and parenting my favorite little people in the whole world. Sometimes this book creates in me a feeling of, I don’t know, maybe discouragement. The daily life and home structure described seem so simple and yet so unattainable in a world of media, playdates, financial responsibilities, suburbs, etc. But it also gives me something to aspire to, and in the very least, ideas I can put into practice or tuck in my pocket. You never know when they’ll come in handy.

From Little House on a Small Planet, I have again gained inspiration and ideas. My thoughts have certainly been provoked by the idea of never borrowing on a loan you can’t pay back in 7 years (like a mortgage) or living with less square footage than you might *think* you need. Good stuff!

From Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, Thich Nhat Hanh has reminded me about vulnerability, being a peace-maker, restoring relationships. All very appropriate right now as I work out some relational tensions that weigh heavy on my heart. He also reiterates the need for practicing mindfulness, a long post I’d best save for another day.

And lastly, and perhaps my most fun read right now, is A Natural Sense of Wonder. I didn’t think I would love reading this book as much as I do, but its memoir-like account of a father who tries to reconnect his children with the natural world through the seasons is really well-written (he is an english teacher, after all) and charming.

I particularly liked reading about his “affairs” of home searching in his twenties, a tale he accounts as a metaphor for dating relationships. He moved a lot when the kids were young and he and his wife were working and finishing school – all over the country and taking jobs in all kinds of industries it seems. He writes of their desire for some romantic, old-world charm farm with natural land and an abundance of outdoor “wild” play space for his children. I can’t help but find this story incredibly timely for me, as I’ve been dreaming about eventually finding The Place and happily making it Home.

Here the writer retells their house hunt:

My wife and I imagine our kids growing up in some high valley, their spirits fostered by the creases of ragged mountains, their bodies strengthened by exploring spines of nearby ridges, and their thirst slaked by some cascading stream. This reverie calls us away to some land on Sinking Creek with a barn and twenty acres of organic hay, but it’s too pricey for us. Here’s one in the Catawba Valley, on a feeder stream, but it looks a little small, and is that a … confederate flag at the neighbor’s house? We are a little like Goldilocks: this one is too big, this one is too small, still looking for the place that is just right.
Perhaps my desire is stirred by the very writers I’m drawn to: Muir in the Sierras, Abbey in the Arches, Lopez in the Arctic, and Thoreau in the Walden Woods. They’ve each carved out their niche in a place I am seeking mine, but they are a monastic bunch (except for Abbey), eloquent on the need for wild places but silent on the subject of raising children. Besides, we can’t all move there and enjoy it too.

As we are now 1.5 weeks from M-Day, we are doing the usual: cleaning out rooms, packing up, craigslisting furniture, trying to see enough people to say goodbye. We are also doing a “Greatest Hits” of the Portland area and soaking in the Pac NW while we can. We aren’t too overwhelmed with the packing process: We’ve moved *just* twice in the last 6 years, but since one of them was a cross-country move, and the second was just a year ago, it has helped us travel light (well, that and being broke ). Our bought-used items fill up two small bedrooms and a small living room, with very little need for extra storage. IF we had a 3 bedroom plus garage, we’d likely NEED a 3 bedroom plus garage, lol, but we’ve been blessed with “just enough bread for today” – in times like these, we’re grateful we have less sh** to ship.

More soon…

Life this week has been slightly run of the mill. We had a really good conversation on HOPE in our packed living room for Home Group on Tuesday night, which was probably the highlight thus far. I’ve been able to do a little more with Ethan these last few days and work more at night, which is good in some ways. We took a walk and collected some branches and holly and rosemary and have plans to do some sort of seasonal “tree” along with a wreath of holly and herbs and pine cones and so on. But then its been too rainy to work on it so our treasure pile is sitting outside in the drizzle

I worked on making him a wall cozy from scrap fabric and one pine branch I found with a few pinecones still attached as the bar. It’s pretty cool! It holds his doodle pads, chalk board and white board, colored pencils flash cards, etc. I got the idea from my new copy of Amanda Soule’s Handmade Home (which I heart (almost) as much as The Creative Family.) I painted a little fall tree for kicks.

We also moved the rocking “couch” to his room, under his bed, as a place to snuggle on rainy days. I think these new additions to his room prepare us more to hunker down in there through an unschooling winter Right now we are somewhat learning about cowboys and indians, as we continue to work on reading skills.

The minute October heads out, winter begins to head in. It’s chilly, but not overly so. Right now the November wind is really picking up outside and with a cracked window in the living room I am listening to our wooden wind chimes. Verity is sucking on wooden blocks on the carpet and Ethan is screaming, “I’M DOOOOOOONE!” from the bathroom (still wants some one else to wipe his rear end.)

My throat is swollen and my sinuses are funkdyfied — I’m praying I get over the start of this cold fast, but something in my body says I should gear up for my first flu rather than be too hopeful. I’m forcing down water with Wellness Fizz (homeopathics), Lacey’s AMAZING raw honey cough syrup (raw honey, essential oils, and herbs), and citrus Kombucha, and Kefir (probiotics), and warming spices and antioxidant rich fruit salads and trying to do a little yoga here and there to flush out toxins. I’ve got a light day tomorrow so I’m hoping I can just recover rather than get worse.

Immune Boost Tea is brewin:

Homemade Chicken Stock is simmerin:

We also just picked up our monthly azure order tonight and I thought it would be fun to show you guys what the fridge of an 8 person household looks like. With 4.5 dozen eggs, 5 pounds of dates, several gallons of raw milk and kefir, 1 gallon of raw apple cider vinegar, a large assortment of produce stuffed in the bottom bins, lots of soup left overs from dinners, a freezer stuffed with frozen fruit for smoothies, frozen local meats that were on sale, so on and so forth- things get a *little* full in there.

The interesting thing is that we don’t really have a pantry. We have several shelves in the cabinets for smaller containers of our bulk ingredients (whole wheat flour, nuts, yeast, what have you), but very little “consume NOW” foods. I try to get things like that from Trader Joe’s. I recently discovered 2 products from TJ’s that I am a huge fan of: Glutein-free brownie mix that is delicious and only 2.99. It is made with organic brown rice flour, organic evaporated cane juice, cocoa and pretty much nothing else, lol. Awesome! The other thing is Ay Say (I need to check on the spelling) but they are crackers made with very simple, all natural ingredients. They are delicious and only 1.29 a box (so suffice it to say we get like 10 at a time). These are both great alternatives to healthier brownie mixes and crackers at places like New Seasons, where one tiny bag of groceries is $60! lol

Anyhoo. So…yeah. Until next time!

more of a series of general ramblings…

Ethan’s been doing a lot better with the last week of intentional time each day and a somewhat predictable schedule (I do morning meal, lessons, games in his room through lunch, Chris takes over for outdoor play and then a quiet time through til dinner and bedtime). I haven’t been able to work as much or as freely. I’m realizing that I really need to have a good segment of hours to devote each day because otherwise its almost not worth it to try to switch my brain from work mode to home mode and back again all day long for small segments. I am feeling the pressure of being the main earner as of now, which is difficult in that I want more time with family and to devote to the kids but then I also need more work in order to make ends meet. The Great Mom Dilemma of the last 50 years, eh? (Hooray, my friend Feminism. You have accomplished SO much, and yet still so little.)

This “schedule” (more or less) will be changing a bit in the Fall, as we will be spending our Tuesdays and Thursdays at Village Home for classes in: Tae Kwon Do; Sing, Play, Dance; Family Knitting; Organic Gardening; Lego Building Club; and a community services class.

Mondays will be spent much like today: A family walk to the library, hitting Peninsula Park’s beautiful rose garden and playground on the walk back, lunch and quiet time while I work through til dinner. Here are some pics of our family time and Ethan showing off his new “Summer Reading Program 2009″ t-shirt he got for completing however many days of reading. (Also sneaked in are some pics of his lesson time last week.)

I’ve picked up my library copy of Living Simply with Children and so far I really like it. The tagline explains it: “A Voluntary Simplicity Guide for Moms, Dads, and Kids Who Want To Reclaim the Bliss of Childhood and the Joy of Parenting”. From fewer toys to TV to caring for the earth to being involved in the community to long-term goals to simplify, its all about enjoying your family more and not being on the “Work-Spend-Work treadmill”.

I have wanted that lifestyle since I can remember thinking of a lifestyle at all. If I need to work, I need it to be enjoyable and to not overstep on the boundaries of the rest of my life. When managers for the clock-in-clock-out work I held years and years ago would be upset about, say, me not coming in to fill a low shift, etc, I was always puzzled. And annoyed. I didn’t like, and still don’t, when anyone implies that I am wrong for under valuing XYZ that THEY think I should make a top priority. To them, this job/class/whatever was their life. To me, it was a means to make a little money so I could ENJOY the rest of my life. Having Ethan increased this feeling to the umpth degree. I am praying daily that Chris will be able to get some clients soon and that together we will see this vision of Family FIRST actualized while we integrate a part-time work-at-home lifestyle into our simple lives at home. There is just SO much life to live, so many places to see and things to do, so many conversations and laughs to be had, hobbies to start, — and foods to cook! I can’t imagine spending 6am – 6pm at the same job 5+ days a week and having only a few hours in the evening to give to myself or family.

Anyway, I DIGRESS.

I mentioned hobbies to start. Last night I had a bit of a knitting breakdown. Knitting: it’s amazing. I love it. But sometimes, I hate it. I hate when something simple takes forever but you’re too “in the zone” to put it down. I hate spending like 30 hours on a gift for someone, and seeing their face when you give it to them, like they have no idea how long it took or how much that time was worth, like it was just put into a machine in China somewhere and wa la, its on the shelf at Wal-mart and worth $7! I hate that knitting forces me to be sooooo patient with myself, with my hands, with the yarn and slippery needles.

It is all these things and more that I also love about knitting. Knitting forces contemplation and meditation. Gift giving. Patience. Stick-to-it-ness. I’ve been reading “Knitting for Good” and learning about the whole world of new things knitting can do, both internally (the rhythm, the meditation, the slower pace) and externally (knitting for charities and ill friends, etc).

Currently on the needles? The jungle animal baby mobile for logan, Fingerless gloves that will probably end up as a gift, a Celtic Cable patterned neck warmer that will also end up as a gift, a rocketship for Ethan, and a hat for Chris.

Should I stop talking about knitting? Yeah, I think so. But not before I show you the hat I made last week for Chris’ aunt: an orange hemp beret:

In other news, Chris aunt/uncle and two teen cousins are here for the week. We spent a good deal of our weekend with them out and about, doing the plethora of Portland markets, including Farmers, Artisan, and the Hawthorne Street Festival. We also went to the wedding reception of our sweet friends Aaron and Joelle, our fellow Lost devotees who have watched the seasons with us since moving to Portland 2 years ago and have (finally) now tied the knot! Woot!

Some thought-provoking quotes in my recent reading of Mothering without a Map:

“In my reading and research I’ve kept an eye out for descriptions of how the ‘ordinary devoted mother’ appears to the child, for glimpses into what it would have been to be the girl or woman standing on a secure base. Robert Karen summed up the mother’s role for older children this way: “To be understood instead of punished, to express anger and not be rejected, to complain and be taken seriously, to be frightened and not have one’s fear trivialized, to be depressed or unhappy and feel taken care of, to express self-doubt and feel listened to and not judged — such experiences may be for later childhood what sensitive responsiveness to the baby’s cries and other distress signals are for infancy.”

“For any woman, mothering in a thoughtful, deliberate way presents challenges. But for those who lack a positive role model and live with the wounds childhood may have inflicted, parenting present additional obstacles. In my interview I talked to many women whose own needs, sometimes even the lowest of them, were not satisfied early in life, and yet who feel both the desire and the duty to provide fully for their children. Although certain specific demands must be met in the child, a wide range of pathways can end in a healthy, successful adult. No one gets a perfect childhood, and no one gets to be the perfect mother. We all must make do, and make peace, with what fate and circumstance provide.”

“The essence of what children need in order to thrive intellectually and emotionally, Robert Karen says, summarizing the whole complex knot, is simply the parent’s availability and responsiveness. ‘You don’t need to be rich or smart or talented or funny,” he says; “you just have to be there, in both senses of the phrase. To your child, none of the rest matters, except inasmuch as it enables you to give of yourself.’”

“If a woman cannot receive, she cannot give. For emotionally healthy women, a balanced give-and-take brings a sense of well-being and leads to maturation… The healthy mother consciously and deliberately provides for her child, giving food and love. This “motherliness” is drawn from a reservoir of motherly behavior that is being continually filled by the emotional gratification a mother receives from her child. The mother is “filed up” by watching the child thrive and respond to her care. If the mother can’t receive from her child, because of her emotional immaturity, then she isn’t refilled and has nothing to give.”

Just wanted to take a very brief moment to plug a family resource I am really excited about. Book of Days is a collection of stories, games, recipes, and other fun activities that the whole family can enjoy doing together, and it is written and illustrated so beautifully by a mama of 3 boys. The idea is so simple but its really a cute little pdf that you purchase and print out on nice paper and make into a family journal, with a calendar to carve out time together throughout the month. Peruse the older months and the Summer book that came out last month- check out “How to Use” it too. If you don’t fall in love with the sweet little crayon drawings, I’ll buy the book FOR ya – because YOU need to have some fun! lol
Enjoy!

Well, last night’s thing with Shane Claiborne was awesome. My favorite things he said were that – “the world can’t afford the American dream”. That “if every American actually had their ideal middle class life, then statistically we would need 4 planets”. (quotes paraphrased a bit based on my faulty memory ) I loved when his friend Chris was giving advice to a young man who had moved himself and his wife into low-income housing after reading Shane’s book in order to start building “intentional community” with the poor. Chris told him that’s why its called intentional community – it doesn’t just happen. “But in the meantime”, he said, “if you want to build community, work on your marriage! That’s part of your community right there!”

Yep, good stuff. Especially since I got to share tea with 3 lovely mama’s afterwards

Another ramble:

Jumpin’ right in, yes we are. Still lacking most of our curriculum books (darn that snail mail!), we mainly spent the week going through books about oceans and ocean animals, doing projects and integrating learning lessons into our daily life. We were able to start the day with “spiritual time” only a three days this week, and twice with yoga (ya win some, ya lose some!). Here are the main prayers/reflections I have found for us to do throughout the day (they are beautiful and you’re welcome to use them).

The biggest thing that has been helping with Lil’ E’s “rhythm” is a chore and behavior chart. Yes, he gets stars — its a bribe, BUT: I feel that this is helpful for us at this age. I can tell that he is learning not only that doing his chores and being well-behaved are things that gets star stickers on his chart, but also that this “incentive” is helping him decipher between his choices, think through what he will ultimately do, and muster the skill of self-control that is so crucial for a 3 year old boy! It has also helped me remain CALM and COOL throughout the day, as I present the choices before him (e.g. at toy store: “I have told you it is time to leave, and you need to follow me to the door. If you go back to the train table for the ‘one last train’, you will have lost your listening star for today. It is your choice. I’ll be waiting at the cart. You can follow me and keep your star, or you can go back to the train table and lose your star.”)

It feels good to have a PLAN for behavior problems that are unique to this age (where as a year or two ago a stern look or clap of my hands might have deterred a precarious situation, he now will rationalize, argue and bargain! WHOA!). So, even when he is in tears because he realized his choice cost him a star, I can calmly check out and be the mom with the screaming boy without that feeling in my chest like I am in the most embarrassing position of my life, all because I am confident in the choices I gave him, carrying out the consequences, and empathizing with his emotional response without wavering on my decision, (and I do hope it gets easier with practice, cause I’m such a noob!) We’ve finally made a pact as a couple that there will be no physical aggression (spank, hit, pinch, grab, pull, drag, etc) to tame his behavior (here’s some reasons why), and there’s been a lot less tears and raising of voices too – which feels in my heart a million times better.

Some things he gets stars for each day, (or doesn’t), include brushing his teeth in the morning and at night, getting himself dressed (both times), making his bed (as best he can), putting toys away when finished, helping with laundry, helping with dishes (drying and stacking), helping with dinner, listening, doing his lessons, so on. He gets really excited to complete a task and watch his chart fill up with stars, so that by the end of the week he can obtain some special (very affordable) prize. This week, he wanted a rolling pin that was his size so he can help me with cookies. We found an unfinished wooden one for $1.20 from an online wood craft store – he was so excited when it arrived yesterday, just in time for him to turn in his star chart for his prize.

Some things he learned this week were ocean animals; lots about sharks, sea turtles, and alligators, the different types, their life cycle, so on. We made a craft this week of water colored sea animals and created an small underwater ocean scene (I drew several, he painted – though the fish he drew himself are pretty cool too!) and a counting project with crab legs (he did all the cutting and letters himself, but needed help with numbers. I LOVE that he drew the eyes and smile upside down- his “touch” ). He had to watch “Finding Nemo” once when I had to work, but I placed lots of paper and colors before him and we interacted with the movie by having him draw the types of fish and ocean life he saw (little blue and orange circles for Nemo and Dori, lol, and one big zig zaggy line for the shark’s teeth! He’s so cute!). Along with the ocean learning unit, we’ve incorporate basic academics, if you will. His spanish vocab has been “La Playa” and “Las Conchas” and then we added “La Estrella De Mar” when he got those down. He’s picking up on phonics, recognizing the sounds of letters/words in our exercises, as well as math (he’s counting to 20 in english, 10 in spanish, and can recognize number 0-9, which we’ll continue to do until he really has it “under his belt”.) Next week we are studying Florida ocean life and the Everglades, since we will be flying to the southern Gulf Coast on Thursday. We will integrate his lessons (again, that word “integrate”, as in holistic, organic, so on) with the turtles we spot treading across my dad’s lawn, the seagulls and shells at the beach, and a trip to the nature reserve to spot some native wildlife. We are also bringing along a fresh doodle pad and new colored pencils, which we will use to document his trip to Florida and draw what he is seeing. For the plane ride, we hope things like this come in very handy, along with his etch-a-sketch, which I have brought out with us this week to occupy him during outings and has been SUCH a success! I love getting to the bookstore, handing him a doodle pad, he lays down on his tummy and draws for 5 minutes giving me time to look around that section without worrying about him getting bored and misbehaving. I kept thinking, “WHY didn’t I do this more often?!”

As always, he likes letters, spells them out where ever we go and every time I bring out his doodle pad for him to draw, he is practicing letters instead of anything creative, lol. I think he’s always had a strong “left brain” in that way – sorting, putting away, counting, letters, so on. He likes free play and loves to build, but gets frustrated with artwork when it doesn’t come out the way he wants it to in his head. I can relate to that, as I have always felt I am creative only in one sense. I can do stuff, but I follow a pattern, copy a picture, etc. The only place I have ever felt “freely creative” is perhaps in certain styles of writing (and I would say this is largely due to the year or so I spent POURING over Poemcrazy: Freeing Your Life with Words in middle school – a book I really recommend!). Otherwise, its more of a logical, methodical, perfectionist “creation” I can’t make it to my church’s group reading of it, but I plan to get through “An Artist’s Way: Spiritual Path to Creativity” in the next 3 months. Speaking of my creativity, check out the picture I painted at christmas, and last night my first knitted swatch (mostly knit, a few purl rows for practice)! I plan to make some baby hats during the long plane ride and while visiting in Florida. Fun!

One of the best parts about the last two weeks is that he no longer asks to watch cartoons. This used to be his morning “thing”, straight to PBS Kids while I started working. Now, I do my best to put off work until the afternoon and spend time with him on lessons and homemaking from roughly 9-1 each day (unless he is at playschool, two days per week, til the end of this month). In fact, once I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie while I made dinner, and he said, “No, I don’t want ANY movie or TV, just music and my lessons, please!” That really touched my heart. How much of his life have I missed that all he wanted was to curl up with me and learn stuff, and I put him in front of the tube? I know we all do the best we can, and life dealt me a pretty hard blow 7 months ago that took me some time to even BEGIN to recover from, but I am so glad we are starting to get back on track now.
Hubby and I continue to see him adjust to our new attempts to parent as “emotion coaches” and its the perfect encouragement to keep trying. So many less meltdowns, so many more compliant, loving behaviors.

Aside: I’m very proud of Hubby for the strides he is making, as a person, employee, christian, husband and father. He continues to work his recovery program, continues to spend lots of time reading and learning, putting in effort and quality time with me and Lil’ E. He is taking such better care of himself, not out of vanity but for his emotional, physical and spiritual health, such as yoga and a healthy, vegetarian diet. He is reading “A Generous Orthodoxy” by Brian McLaren (I never, not in a million years, thought Hubby and I would be able to discuss theology together! I could just cry!) I told my counselor this week that I actually love my husband now. He is becoming the partner, friend and lover that my heart as a woman desires – something I had given up all hope about a year ago. I still grieve, I still hurt, I still feel angry over the past and the 5 years of emptiness that came before, but I am beginning to see us, as a system, changing from the inside out, and it is a miraculous feeling.

As an individual, a mother and a woman, I am learning a lot too. Seeing the ways in which I interact with mother figures as opposed to female “peers”, I am recognizing how often my feelings and reactions come from a place of not knowing what it means to be a woman, uniquely female, confident and strong, but nurturing and soft too. Things that my other female friends make decisions on seem to come fairly naturally as they operate from the blueprint of their “woman manual” based on what they observed their mother’s do (or not do) well. For me, its just kinda blank, a big wormy mixture of female roll models but nothing really formative and substantial. It often takes concerted effort for me to not revert to a 13 year old mindset when being around older women, from doctors to people I have to interview for work, you name it. It’s like there’s a bit of me that is just way more stunted than the rest, and that bit acts like a kid that is needy for love and approval. At this point, I’m just in the phase of recognizing it, maybe every so often “giving it up” to God and asking for Him to fill up any empty spaces with a secure identity in Him and His love for me. I know it will be a life-long process, taking on many forms and faces over the years as I grow.

Books I’m reading/To Read before Verity arrives:
The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron (for me time)
Finding Our Way Again, Brian McLaren (for church “Theology Pub” starting this Monday!)
The Wounded Healer, Henri Nouwen (for book club, gotta read by the 25th, so this one is reserved for plane ride!)
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child , John Gottman (for Hubby & Me time)
The Creative Family, Amanda Soule (for me time)
Wild Fermentation: The Flavor, Nutrition, and Craft of Live-Culture Foods, Sandor Ellix Katz (me time!)

P.S. Rainy Day Tonic: this reminded me of how steamers can “hit the spot” when I don’t want more coffee but I do want a gentle, warm drink on a cold and rainy day. I’ve been making mine with raw local goat’s milk and raw local honey, a touch of fair trade vanilla extract and a sprinkle of cinnamon and allspice. Sometimes I add this to black tea if my goal is NOT to fall asleep

P.S.S. I luuuuv my kitty, Paz. I call him “squishy” and make up songs for him when I see him. However, he is older than we thought. We smelled something this week, could likely be male kitty spray, on Hubby’s newly painted media shelf. We are getting him nuetered this Wednesday, and time will tell if we caught the spraying behavior in time or not. If not, I have to say goodbye to my Squishy And yes, this is the face I make when I call him “squishy”, picture randomly taken courtesy of Hubby.