Category — Book Blogs

I must confess something: The images from yesterday which showcase a happy 4 year old actively playing and getting a turn in the bus driver’s seat are not altogether accurate. I kinda sort skipped the part where he threw a full blown tantrum and refused to leave OMSI, me gently dragging him out the door with the shoe he refused to put on in my hand and his arm in the other (which is not at all how I like to handle things, but I couldn’t see a better solution at the time.)

The truth of the matter is, Mr. Ethan had a major meltdown when a 2 year old darling girl tried to join him with the ball/air pressure activity. He was so engrossed in this delightful display of air power, (not to mention ready for a nap after 4 hours of bus rides, a movie, and a playground), that he kinda “lost himself” and began pushing this little lady out of his way and yelling at her. Not too typical of Ethan. I asked him to step away with me so we could talk about this behavior, and he was just not having it. He ended up screaming at me and kicking out his feet at me, all in front of a playground room of maybe 50-100 adults plus their children. I told him, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how tired you must be for you to behave like this. You’ve let me know, now, and we are going to head home.” Oh boy. I barely get him out of the door of the playground room while he continues to scream and cry, refusing to put his shoes on. He gets one on before getting a third wind to his tantrum. We make it down the stairs, him screaming and crying still, with only one shoe on. Down the stairs, he reluctantly puts on the other shoe. Outside, we board the bus waiting to shuttle folks back to the convention center to catch the Max.

This is where things get a little more interesting. Getting myself a distance away from the public eye helps me clear my mind a bit and try to figure out a solution to what is going on with Ethan. I felt decent about the whole thing- I mean, it was in a place where tons of kids throw tantrums when its time to leave, and I can block out the staring eyes pretty well by my 4th year of motherhood anyway, lol. Plus, I didn’t feel like I was insanely angry about his behavior. I felt like it was HIS problem and I could only be there to support him and help him figure out the boundaries (not hurting other people or things) until it passed. This helped me keep my cool on the inside, rather than fuming and feeling helpless. Once on the bus, as I was trying to be compassionate and patient, the driver informed us that we have about TWENTY minutes before he can depart. And we were all alone on the bus with this driver while Ethan continued to wail “DON’T TALK TO MEEEEEEE! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING!!!!!!” so on and so forth.

I was trying to undo some of his “flooding”- as in, a person in that state can’t reason, so there’s no use talking yet about how we behave in public, or sharing on the playground, etc etc. His feelings in that moment are too strong to be able to creatively problem solve (something I learned from marriage counseling — ya like?! lol) So I’m just telling him that I understand how much he wants to continue playing, and I hope we can have a good time reading books when we get home, etc.

But all the while, the driver keeps interjecting with “Oh, you’re fine!” and “Oh, you just played too hard, didn’t you?” and “Don’t talk to her like that, that’s your mother!” and poor Ethan was getting more and more distraught. I was still a bit overwhelmed with all that was going on with him, but I tried to put myself in his shoes to figure out why he was getting even worse since we got on the bus. I realized that this stranger bus driver was not only preaching at him, he was also chuckling and laughing at him whenever he would scream. Now, I understand how funny it can be when a little kid throws a big fit for a very “little” reason, but in Ethan’s world, this was NOT a little reason. The driver, though well-intentioned, was adding insult to injury because Ethan was now feeling embarrassed. Every time he displayed how he was feeling and what he wanted, he was getting laughed at! When I realized what was happening, I was then MUCH more annoyed and angry with the driver than with my kid!

I tried to kinda passively get the guy to shush it, but he wasn’t getting the hint. So I moved Ethan and I to the very back of the bus, telling him that maybe he just needs more space right now. Luckily, another family boarded and with us in the back of the bus, he cooled down. Within 5 minutes he was apologizing to the driver for yelling at him, and then asking if he could sit in his seat!

Last night the group of 4 running mamas and 1 super preggo mama were commiserating about our childrens’ behaviors driving us up the wall when we are stuck in public. It is so much harder to allow them to be themselves, which includes the occasional age-appropriate melt-down, when you aren’t in private. The impulse to remove the child from the situation and punish them more harshly than you would at home is overwhelming! Not only are we embarrassed by the attention it is putting on us (or so we THINK, lol) but we also believe that its a representation of us- that our child’s behavior means XYZ about how good or bad we are as parents. Right?!

Sometimes I think I’ve built up a little more tolerance for public outbursts due to having no vehicle- since there really is NEVER a quick retreat to a private place where I can take off down the road, turn up the music, and let the kid wail til they pass out, lol. I envy those who get that, I really do. Not just that, but the car provides the private atmosphere and space the child needs when they have truly been pushed to their limit with running errands or playing a little too long and now they are tired, cranky, hungry, what have you. Imagining these meltdowns and then a 1.5 hour public transportation ride and maybe a mile or more of WALKING HOME puts some perspective on the 5 minutes you have to spend pulling them out of a store in the first place!

But this inconvenience of extended time getting back to a “home base” has also forced me (and Ethan) to find creative ways to deal with each other when we are just fed up. And its forced me to get a little bit more self-confident about how I need to parent him in public, about what behaviors I am and am NOT responsible for (which pretty much always includes MINE and not HIS.)

Being a mother of a tantrum child in public: it’s really, really, really hard to do. The difficulty shouldn’t be discounted for even a moment. But in the end, there are some tweaks we can make to our thoughts, feelings, and responses that make the whole inevitable experience go a little smoother and cause less damage to our relationship with our children.

In my reading so far of Unconditional Parenting (which has changed my WORLD, let me tell you), I came across a segment dedicated to this experience of children acting up in public. Here’s what he advices:

Rule number one: When your in public, ignore everyone around you. The more worried you are about how other people will judge your parenting skills, the greater chance you’ll respond with too much control and too little love and patience. This is not about what people think about you; it’s about what your child needs.
Rule number two: Imagine how this looks from her point of view. Someone having a tantrum is very likely afraid of her own rage, terrified of being out of control. Consequently, you do her no favors by ignoring her or by responding harshly. Use only the minimum control necessary to make sure the people aren’t in danger. Focus on providing comfort and calm reassurance. Let the tantrum play itself out. Later, you can try to address the underlying causes together.

Like I always say: Parenting – what a rush!

Home/Unschooling: there is little else on my mind lately– (well that’s not quite accurate- there is also bankruptcy, driver’s license test, birth control, on and on and on – but none of that I’m really ready to talk about with you all- nuthin’ personal )

So here’s another predictable Vivian-ramble! Skip if this topic is of little interest to you, lol!

In my homeschooling/unschooling reading I am a roll with a real classic – The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Homeschooling! LOL But you know what, its actually not that bad. Kinda just recaps the basics and then goes to grade/age levels. One of the things I was reading was about figuring out your “philosophy of education”.

I remember this term very distinctly from Intro to Education in college (for those who don’t know, I was an elementary ed major prior to journalism). I’d probably get a kick out of reading my final for that class (which was some kind of report about that term and defining my personal philosophy, based on the major ones out there and the history of education and so on and so forth) because I can only imagine that a LOT has changed about me since then. Seven years may not be a long time, but two kids later certainly IS.

When Ethan was not even a year old, I went to a gathering with some church gal’s every Friday morning. One of them was really inspiring to me, in many ways, including the way she homeschooled. I had known a few homeschooled friends in high school because of the large youth group I was a part of, and I was sooo jealous that they got to whiz through things that came easy to them, but were of little interest, like math, in order to practice opera or be in a play at the local community theatre. So not fair! lol

The thing that has struck me most since I began the research on this homeschool journey is that there is SUCH a variety of approaches to homeschooling. Some are very rigid and structured and require a ton of parental energy for curricula planning and reporting and testing and so on. It’s basically those who do traditional schooling, but at home. My impression from the kids AND parents who do this approach are the ones who enjoy it the least, and who often burn out quickly. That method of homeschooling never intrigued me, not only because it simply doesn’t fall in line with my personality type, but because I can’t imagine my kid being able to learn best with that approach.

Then there’s some others that I DO really like, bits and pieces of them. I’ve read a few books on the Waldorf method when Ethan was younger and I loved the simple natural toys, creative and imaginative play, and natural surrounding and Seasonal/Rythmic aspects of that. Some of it stuck with me but some of it didn’t.

Last week at the homeschooling potluck, we had a conversation about the Charlotte Mason approach and the “Twaddle-Free” term (all of which was new to me). I really like some parts of this method, esp the learning through “living books” and narrative. The Idiot’s Guide sums up this method as follows:

“According to Mason [an early twentieth-century British educator], living books are real books (as opposed to textbooks) that make the subject seem real and alive. Mason coined the term “twaddle” to describe books that contained second-hand, distilled information… [The approach emphasizes] good habits and basics (reading, writing and math) and exposes children to real-life learning through such experiences as nature walks, touring art museums, reading good literature aloud, and attending concerts.”

There are some great points in there that could work really well for Ethan and I. I think most people learn well through a narrative approach (in fact, this is how God and humankind have interacted from the beginning- in sacred books, the Bible for example.) And I have always gravitated towards the idea of real-life learning with him, as opposed to manufactured ones. So I want to do more reading of Mason’s and see which pieces of her method I’d like to implement at home.

Another approach you have heard me talk about on this blog is the unit method. This is what I am most familiar with as a formal method because its more or less what I’ve already done with Ethan. I’ll pick certain themes for the month or week or whatever, and we’ll study things through that lens. For example, “The Ocean” can be a theme, esp for kids his age, that provide us with all kinds of learning, from sea animals (biology) to waves/tides/currents (natural sciences) to colors and mediums for arts and crafts projects. Math is all up in there too, from how many legs does a crab have to numbers for temperatures and statistics of animal populations or WHATEVER. It’s kinda of endless, actually, and we could end up on the same theme a lot longer than I expected once we actually got into it!

One reason I like the unit theme approach is that it gives me something intentional to focus on with him, and we can learn all kinds of things that fall under that unit, and we can end the unit whenever he’s lost interest in it or we can keep going if he is curious and eager for more. It’s way more hands-off in comparison to the school-at-home method, can be pretty self-directed, and yet helps me as a work-at-home mom to have a little direction and motivation for how and why we spend our day the way we do (as opposed to me on my laptop all day every day, lol).

I’ve also written on this blog about another approach, called Unschooling. Folks who unschool seem to have varying levels of commitment to this approach, and it looks different in each one’s home. But the basic idea is that children learn from totally self-guided curiosity and real-life learning opportunities that present themselves each day. The parents job is not to teach, but to follow the child’s lead and inner time table/readiness and then simply providing them with the resources and materials to help them understand the topic (or sport or skill or whatever).

This seems like its basically how most kids were educated prior to mandatory schooling came about in the industrial age. Many famous figures were self-learners and did not attend traditional classroom schooling, some mentioned in the Idiot’s Guide include people as Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, and Charles Dickens. These are folks who learned based on interest, and whose freedom to love learning and search always to fill their insatiable appetites taught themselves a variety of topics and skills, in depth, and landed them as very prominent figures in history. I like picturing little Thomas Edison’s mom who, when his teachers couldn’t handle him, taught him at home using games and adventures- encouraging his interests that later created some of the most famous inventions in history! Never look at a penny the same way again

How I choose to home educate Ethan this year seems to be determined largely by :

• my own personality and lifestyle, (and one might add budget and capabilities)
• my grasp on Ethan’s personality, developmental stage and learning style (which ultimately will determine how successful or unsuccessful a particular approach will be!)
• my view of my role as a parent and my ideas on what children are and are not (including my worldview/spirituality)
• my daily connection with my community, from family and friends, to church, to support groups, to homeless shelters, to community centers, to resources around me like libraries, museums and parks.

This topic, even the micro-topic of simply (ha!) defining my personal philosophy of education, appears for now to be so vast that I will never quite figure it all out. Which is okay with me, by golly I love that I have the flexibility to back off; redefine; plunge through; utilize team sports, private lessons, tutors and classes; pray; pray some more; observe the changes my kid is going through and recalibrate yet again. Basically, I love that this is a part of my journey, Chris’ journey, our kids’ journey, and our journey together as a family unit. It’s an exciting time with my child – to be considering who he is so much, to grapple with my own strengths and weaknesses in yet ANOTHER area of life

More to come…

Another ramble:

Jumpin’ right in, yes we are. Still lacking most of our curriculum books (darn that snail mail!), we mainly spent the week going through books about oceans and ocean animals, doing projects and integrating learning lessons into our daily life. We were able to start the day with “spiritual time” only a three days this week, and twice with yoga (ya win some, ya lose some!). Here are the main prayers/reflections I have found for us to do throughout the day (they are beautiful and you’re welcome to use them).

The biggest thing that has been helping with Lil’ E’s “rhythm” is a chore and behavior chart. Yes, he gets stars — its a bribe, BUT: I feel that this is helpful for us at this age. I can tell that he is learning not only that doing his chores and being well-behaved are things that gets star stickers on his chart, but also that this “incentive” is helping him decipher between his choices, think through what he will ultimately do, and muster the skill of self-control that is so crucial for a 3 year old boy! It has also helped me remain CALM and COOL throughout the day, as I present the choices before him (e.g. at toy store: “I have told you it is time to leave, and you need to follow me to the door. If you go back to the train table for the ‘one last train’, you will have lost your listening star for today. It is your choice. I’ll be waiting at the cart. You can follow me and keep your star, or you can go back to the train table and lose your star.”)

It feels good to have a PLAN for behavior problems that are unique to this age (where as a year or two ago a stern look or clap of my hands might have deterred a precarious situation, he now will rationalize, argue and bargain! WHOA!). So, even when he is in tears because he realized his choice cost him a star, I can calmly check out and be the mom with the screaming boy without that feeling in my chest like I am in the most embarrassing position of my life, all because I am confident in the choices I gave him, carrying out the consequences, and empathizing with his emotional response without wavering on my decision, (and I do hope it gets easier with practice, cause I’m such a noob!) We’ve finally made a pact as a couple that there will be no physical aggression (spank, hit, pinch, grab, pull, drag, etc) to tame his behavior (here’s some reasons why), and there’s been a lot less tears and raising of voices too – which feels in my heart a million times better.

Some things he gets stars for each day, (or doesn’t), include brushing his teeth in the morning and at night, getting himself dressed (both times), making his bed (as best he can), putting toys away when finished, helping with laundry, helping with dishes (drying and stacking), helping with dinner, listening, doing his lessons, so on. He gets really excited to complete a task and watch his chart fill up with stars, so that by the end of the week he can obtain some special (very affordable) prize. This week, he wanted a rolling pin that was his size so he can help me with cookies. We found an unfinished wooden one for $1.20 from an online wood craft store – he was so excited when it arrived yesterday, just in time for him to turn in his star chart for his prize.

Some things he learned this week were ocean animals; lots about sharks, sea turtles, and alligators, the different types, their life cycle, so on. We made a craft this week of water colored sea animals and created an small underwater ocean scene (I drew several, he painted – though the fish he drew himself are pretty cool too!) and a counting project with crab legs (he did all the cutting and letters himself, but needed help with numbers. I LOVE that he drew the eyes and smile upside down- his “touch” ). He had to watch “Finding Nemo” once when I had to work, but I placed lots of paper and colors before him and we interacted with the movie by having him draw the types of fish and ocean life he saw (little blue and orange circles for Nemo and Dori, lol, and one big zig zaggy line for the shark’s teeth! He’s so cute!). Along with the ocean learning unit, we’ve incorporate basic academics, if you will. His spanish vocab has been “La Playa” and “Las Conchas” and then we added “La Estrella De Mar” when he got those down. He’s picking up on phonics, recognizing the sounds of letters/words in our exercises, as well as math (he’s counting to 20 in english, 10 in spanish, and can recognize number 0-9, which we’ll continue to do until he really has it “under his belt”.) Next week we are studying Florida ocean life and the Everglades, since we will be flying to the southern Gulf Coast on Thursday. We will integrate his lessons (again, that word “integrate”, as in holistic, organic, so on) with the turtles we spot treading across my dad’s lawn, the seagulls and shells at the beach, and a trip to the nature reserve to spot some native wildlife. We are also bringing along a fresh doodle pad and new colored pencils, which we will use to document his trip to Florida and draw what he is seeing. For the plane ride, we hope things like this come in very handy, along with his etch-a-sketch, which I have brought out with us this week to occupy him during outings and has been SUCH a success! I love getting to the bookstore, handing him a doodle pad, he lays down on his tummy and draws for 5 minutes giving me time to look around that section without worrying about him getting bored and misbehaving. I kept thinking, “WHY didn’t I do this more often?!”

As always, he likes letters, spells them out where ever we go and every time I bring out his doodle pad for him to draw, he is practicing letters instead of anything creative, lol. I think he’s always had a strong “left brain” in that way – sorting, putting away, counting, letters, so on. He likes free play and loves to build, but gets frustrated with artwork when it doesn’t come out the way he wants it to in his head. I can relate to that, as I have always felt I am creative only in one sense. I can do stuff, but I follow a pattern, copy a picture, etc. The only place I have ever felt “freely creative” is perhaps in certain styles of writing (and I would say this is largely due to the year or so I spent POURING over Poemcrazy: Freeing Your Life with Words in middle school – a book I really recommend!). Otherwise, its more of a logical, methodical, perfectionist “creation” I can’t make it to my church’s group reading of it, but I plan to get through “An Artist’s Way: Spiritual Path to Creativity” in the next 3 months. Speaking of my creativity, check out the picture I painted at christmas, and last night my first knitted swatch (mostly knit, a few purl rows for practice)! I plan to make some baby hats during the long plane ride and while visiting in Florida. Fun!

One of the best parts about the last two weeks is that he no longer asks to watch cartoons. This used to be his morning “thing”, straight to PBS Kids while I started working. Now, I do my best to put off work until the afternoon and spend time with him on lessons and homemaking from roughly 9-1 each day (unless he is at playschool, two days per week, til the end of this month). In fact, once I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie while I made dinner, and he said, “No, I don’t want ANY movie or TV, just music and my lessons, please!” That really touched my heart. How much of his life have I missed that all he wanted was to curl up with me and learn stuff, and I put him in front of the tube? I know we all do the best we can, and life dealt me a pretty hard blow 7 months ago that took me some time to even BEGIN to recover from, but I am so glad we are starting to get back on track now.
Hubby and I continue to see him adjust to our new attempts to parent as “emotion coaches” and its the perfect encouragement to keep trying. So many less meltdowns, so many more compliant, loving behaviors.

Aside: I’m very proud of Hubby for the strides he is making, as a person, employee, christian, husband and father. He continues to work his recovery program, continues to spend lots of time reading and learning, putting in effort and quality time with me and Lil’ E. He is taking such better care of himself, not out of vanity but for his emotional, physical and spiritual health, such as yoga and a healthy, vegetarian diet. He is reading “A Generous Orthodoxy” by Brian McLaren (I never, not in a million years, thought Hubby and I would be able to discuss theology together! I could just cry!) I told my counselor this week that I actually love my husband now. He is becoming the partner, friend and lover that my heart as a woman desires – something I had given up all hope about a year ago. I still grieve, I still hurt, I still feel angry over the past and the 5 years of emptiness that came before, but I am beginning to see us, as a system, changing from the inside out, and it is a miraculous feeling.

As an individual, a mother and a woman, I am learning a lot too. Seeing the ways in which I interact with mother figures as opposed to female “peers”, I am recognizing how often my feelings and reactions come from a place of not knowing what it means to be a woman, uniquely female, confident and strong, but nurturing and soft too. Things that my other female friends make decisions on seem to come fairly naturally as they operate from the blueprint of their “woman manual” based on what they observed their mother’s do (or not do) well. For me, its just kinda blank, a big wormy mixture of female roll models but nothing really formative and substantial. It often takes concerted effort for me to not revert to a 13 year old mindset when being around older women, from doctors to people I have to interview for work, you name it. It’s like there’s a bit of me that is just way more stunted than the rest, and that bit acts like a kid that is needy for love and approval. At this point, I’m just in the phase of recognizing it, maybe every so often “giving it up” to God and asking for Him to fill up any empty spaces with a secure identity in Him and His love for me. I know it will be a life-long process, taking on many forms and faces over the years as I grow.

Books I’m reading/To Read before Verity arrives:
The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron (for me time)
Finding Our Way Again, Brian McLaren (for church “Theology Pub” starting this Monday!)
The Wounded Healer, Henri Nouwen (for book club, gotta read by the 25th, so this one is reserved for plane ride!)
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child , John Gottman (for Hubby & Me time)
The Creative Family, Amanda Soule (for me time)
Wild Fermentation: The Flavor, Nutrition, and Craft of Live-Culture Foods, Sandor Ellix Katz (me time!)

P.S. Rainy Day Tonic: this reminded me of how steamers can “hit the spot” when I don’t want more coffee but I do want a gentle, warm drink on a cold and rainy day. I’ve been making mine with raw local goat’s milk and raw local honey, a touch of fair trade vanilla extract and a sprinkle of cinnamon and allspice. Sometimes I add this to black tea if my goal is NOT to fall asleep

P.S.S. I luuuuv my kitty, Paz. I call him “squishy” and make up songs for him when I see him. However, he is older than we thought. We smelled something this week, could likely be male kitty spray, on Hubby’s newly painted media shelf. We are getting him nuetered this Wednesday, and time will tell if we caught the spraying behavior in time or not. If not, I have to say goodbye to my Squishy And yes, this is the face I make when I call him “squishy”, picture randomly taken courtesy of Hubby.

It’s 7:30am, I’ve only been up for one hour, but already I have this “bad day” kinda feeling. Dealt with some correspondences that made me think about debt and the pregnancy, two things that I really don’t want to think about before the sun comes up (or at all, frankly!). It’s frustrating, as always, to barely have enough to pay our bills, yet make too much to get state insurance to cover my birth. Disappointments with my midwives over the last few months have been really eating at me, as I’m more than half way to the birth and there is still no budge from my insurance, along with other things that have made my intuition and feelings about my midwives kinda muddled and complicated. My last few appointments have left me with an unsettled feeling and fighting tears on my 45 minute walk home, which can’t be good… I’m praying God will lighten this one load a bit – either give me some breakthrough with them that leads to some peace, or throw a new midwife in my lap. (I just need something to not be a struggle or a fight, just a nice, flowing, easy process. Is that so much to ask?! )

This year has including some major disappointments, and with less than 2 weeks left of 2008, I’m really, really, looking forward to sloughing it off and hoping for 2009’s triumphant entry. This year, particularly the last 6 months, has been a bit like getting one of those really deep pressure massages that, despite its healing properties, leaves you dehydrated and bruised. The difficulties of this year have left my good juju so depleted that little things (like the painful cheek bite that has left me unable to eat anything solid for 2 days!) make me want to scream “IT’S NOT FAIR!” and kick over a trash can. Ah, yes, how nice would it be if every once in a while, an adult could feel totally justified in throwing a good ol’ fashioned FIT!

Of course, there’s a flip side, there always is. I’d like to think the struggles have left me wiser, less apt to throw my energy into useless causes, (i.e. at this point, if the news gets too heavy and ridiculous, I turn it off!) It’s easier to filter what dramas I let get to me and to differentiate what activities and people hold value. I am also usually more aware of my insecurities and over-explanations, my tendency to get consumed with work instead of what’s going on inside and around me, and less concerned if I’m understood or even liked. Why I ever cared about the opinions of people who have hardly spent any time with me in my life I doubt I’ll ever get. Classic, but insane. It’s refreshing to be exhausted at my old habits, and to realize I don’t have to feel either defensive or apologetic- particularly because I’m allowed to make mistakes and grow. Amen?! lol To be able to recognize even the teeny beginnings of this change in myself is encouraging, because I know that if I continue to work this process of dealing with my life, I’m only going to learn more and get healthier as time goes on.

Elsewhere in news:

It is snowing outside and its really, really pretty right now. Nice thick snow and not too cold out (mid-30’s). It looks like a postcard from my window sometimes, as these large evergreens line the backyard fence and now have frosting all over them

I’ve been working on revamping my business, name and website, this week, and will be excited to launch it by the new year. Finding the time to design something new has been a long time coming, but I think it will be much more encompassing of my current services and skills.

I’ve begun reading a communication book (Hubby has been obsessed with these social/emotional intelligence and teamwork/leadership books lately so I have some catching up to do). I’m starting with “People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts” by Robert Bolton. The start is cheery (not) — the highlight being the T.S. Elliot quote that typical families are:

“Two people who know they do not understand each other,
Breeding children whom they do not understand
And who will never understand them.”

From first hand experience, I can attest to the correctness of the authors statement: “Marriage, the most complicated of human relationships, cannot flourish without effective communication. Couples hoping to establish an enriching marriage often lack the needed relational skills and end up living parallel lives in a marriage without intimacy… Proximity without intimacy is inevitably destructive.”

I’m also reading “Abide with Me”, a novel by Elizabeth Strout. I need to start on the next Imago Book Club book (hopefully I won’t be leading a third discussion in a row having barely finished the book minutes before we joined!) which is a Henri Nouwen book, “The Wounded Healer”. When not doing one of these other things, or while working at night to keep myself awake, we’re starting our Lost marathon, hoping to watch all the seasons by the premiere on Jan. 21st, though we don’t have the funds to buy the latest season on DVD just last week. I’m surprised at how little I care about that this year!

That’s about all I can think of for today. Chow for now!

“[The illusion that life is a property to be owned or an object to be grasped, that people can be managed or manipulated] sometimes puts us on the road to frantic search for selfhood and self-fulfillment. We want to be “true to ourselves” — or at least to our self-made image. We become so concerned with our identity that we preoccupy ourselves with our own unique distinctions. We worry about how we are doing in comparison to others. This is the illusion that sets us on the road to competition, rivalry, and even violence. For it makes us conquerors who will fight for our place in the world, even at the cost of others. This illusion leads some to nervous activism, propelled by the belief that anyone is only the results of his or her work. The same illusion leads others to introspection with the assumption that they are their own deepest feelings.

Awareness of how such illusions grip us often comes through a crisis or hardship. In the face of a great pain or inescapable grief, we realize how little we control our lives, how feebly our protests change reality. Something happens to make us realize we can let go of a cherished ambition, bid farewell to a friend, or accept an ailing body. We relinquish the hope of a marriage or career recognition that seems out of reach. We look in the mirror and admit that we are not strickingly handsome, not always the center of conversation at parties, not always brilliant. And we allow ourselves to remember that not only does life include losses, but in the end we will in some sense lose everything because we will, inevitably, die. At the same time, we sense that there may be much more to life than life.

Such discoveries remind us of our humble place in the scheme of things. They keep us from self-aggrandizement. Perhaps our need to hold life loosely is no more evident than in our daily relationships. Loving someone means allowing the other person to respond in ways you have no control over. Every time you engage yourself in an intimate, loving way with someone else you become at least partly subject to the exhilaration of hearing another person’s yes or the disappointment in his or her no. The more people you love, the more pain you may experience. For the great mystery of love is that while it can be recieved, it can also be rejected. Every time you love you enter the risk of love.

…

When we mourn, we die to something that gives us a sense of who we are. In this sense suffering always has much to do with the spiritual life. We surrender our striving denial of our limitations. We release our hold on a piece of our identity as a spouse, a parent, as a member of a church, as a resident of a community or nation… And so we admit, not without many tears, that we sometimes must let go of what we hold very dear.

… Many things in our lives matter intensely to us, of course. We cannot be whole without people to love and people who love us. We need food and places to live; we enjoy the company of a friend and the enjoyment of a book. But holding lightly means remembering that we are not what we acquire and accomplish as much as what we have received. The deepest joys come not from the money we earn, the friends we surround ourselves with, or the results we achieve; we are rather whom God made us to be in His infinite love. We are the gifts we have been given, not just the conquests we wrest. As long as we keep running around, anxiously trying to affirm ourselves or be affirmed by others, we remain blind to One who has loved us first, dwells in our heart, and had formed our truest self.

…Such openhanded posture may mean releasing our hold on certain prejudices. We are asked to surrender to a vision of God and God’s people greater than we now know. We may have to release some boxes that can no longer hold the breadth of God’s truth. We may need to develop another stance toward people we spend time with every day, or pass in our commutes to the office, or see on the news. Prayer, we may find, helps us see others as persons to be received, loved.”

-Turn My Mourning into Dancing, Henri Nouwen

Hubby and I are just sitting here reading quotes to each other from books we are reading or found online. I thought some were good enough to pass on

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From John Maxwell’s, Winning with People:
Healthy people are…

• more willing to change
• more willing to admit failure
• more willing to discuss issues
• more willing to learn from others
• more willing to do something about the problem
• able to travel light

Hurting people are…

• less willing to change
• less willing to admit failure
• less willing to discuss issues
• less willing to learn from others
• less willing to do something about the problem
• carrying a lot of baggage

“The difference between who you are today and who you will be in 5 years will be the people you spend time with and the books you read.” (Maxwell)

“The way you view others is determined by who you are… If you don’t like people, that really is a statement about you and the way YOU look at people. Your viewpoint is the problem. And if that’s the case, don’t try to change others, don’t even focus on others, focus on yourself.” (Maxwell)

(Maxwell)- THINK before you speak:

Is it:
T – true?
H – helpful?
I – inspiring?
N – necessary?
K – kind?

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“Often the anger experienced in their contemporary relationships is really a displaced anger from an earlier event or situation… Soul wounds do not heal if they are ignored. They continue to govern our emotions, our self-images, and our ways of interacting in relationships…

“I must enter the abject humiliation of needing, of asking for what my soul longs for, instead of protecting myself from the pain of its loss… Most of all, surrendering to God requires that I fully own my personal responsibility to love others well.” – Nancy Groom “From Bondage to Bonding”

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ARE YOU A DOORMAT? (”Unbreakable Bonds” by Meier)

Doing things for others that they ought to be doing for themselves. I give away my praise. I live for the praise of others.

Others make my choices. I give away my priorities. Others direct my life.

Others determine my self worth and define my identity. I give away my personhood. Others determine my value.

Rejection is what I fear most. I give away my purpose. I reduce my purpose to fear.

Mad at myself for not measuring up. I give away my pardon. I am perpetually self-critical.

Afraid of conflict. I give away my power. I teach myself that I do not deserve to be powerful.

True love is missing from my heart. I give away my plenty. I relinquish the abundance I could experience from loving myself unconditionally.”

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“The more clearly we recognize how deep our commitment to self-protection operates in our relational style and the more courageously we face the ugliness of protecting ourselves rather than loving others, the more we’ll shift our direction.” – Larry Crabb, Inside Out

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“Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem… Don’t argue for other people’s weaknesses. Don’t argue for your own. When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it- immediately. Don’t get into a blaming, accusing mode. Work on things you have control over. Work on you. On be.

Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It’s not what they’re not doing or should be doing that’s the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you start to think the problem is “out there,” stop yourself. That thought is the problem.” – Steven Covey, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”

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“If we are to become great lovers, we must return again and again to the love of the Great Lover. Thomas Merton reminds us that the root of Christian love is not the will to love but the faith to believe that one is deeply loved by God.” – David Benner, “Sacred Companions”

“Soul hospitality is also a gift of safety. Think of feeling safe enough with another person that without weighing words or measuring thoughts you are able to pour yourself out, trusting that the other person will keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away….

Soul friendship is the gift of a place where anything can be said without fear of criticism or ridicule. It is a place where masks and pretensions can be set aside. It is a place where it is safe to share deepest secrets, darkest fears, most acute sources of shame, most disturbing questions or anxieties. It is a place of grace- a place where others are accepted as they are for the sake of who they may become.” – (Benner)

“Dialogue involves the risk of revealing what is most precious to me. If I remain in a safe zone of opinions, facts, and information, I have not exposed my deepest self. Nor have I ventured to the place of deep encounter with others that is called dialogue… What I do or say is not ultimately all that important. The most important thing I can do is to help the other person be in contact with the gracious presence of Christ. If I bring anything of value to the meeting it is that I mediate divine grace.” (Benner)

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“If marriage is meant to show people what the oneness of God is like, what happens when everybody is one in the presence of God?

If marriage is a picture of something else, what would happen to marriage if we found ourselves living in the midst of that something else?

Is sex in its greatest, purest, most joyful and honest expression a glimpse of forever?

Are these brief moments of abandon and oneness and ecstasy just a couple of seconds or minutes of how things will be forever?

Is sex a picture of heaven?…

Maybe Jesus knew what was coming and knew that whatever we experience here will pale compared with what awaits everyone.

Do you long for that?

Because that’s the center of Jesus’ message.

An invitation.

To trust that it’s true,

to trust that it’s real,

to trust that God is actually going to make all things new.”

-Rob Bell, “Sex, God”

From the prelude in Grace (Eventually) by Anne Lamott:

I knew that if you had the eyes to see, there was beauty everywhere, even when nature was barren or sloppy, and not just when God had tarted things up for Spring. Often the people with the deepest insight looked as ordinary as any old alcoholic or serial killer. They might look like Siddhartha or Ananda Mai Ma, but odds were they resembled your bipolar cousin Ruth, or Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Also, they could be extremely annoying.

Funky moods lately leave me bewildered. I have this nagging suspicion of something major trying to come up for air, yet I can’t place my finger on it or jerk it out so I can scream “what the he** is wrong with you?!”

Social situations aggravate the situation, I go in with energy and leave with defeat; suspicion, anger, annoyance. My aptitude for putting up with crap is enormously lower than usual and my shoulder shrugging and sighing is at an all time high. What to do, what to do?

So I’ve brought out a handful of my favorite books this past week, scouring them for tidbits of wisdom on how to handle myself with more grace. As usual, they do not disappoint me.

“There is something in the depths of our being that hungers for wholeness and finality. Because we are made for eternal life, we are made for an act that gathers up all the powers and capacities of our being and offers them simultaneously and forever to God. The blind spiritual instinct that tells us obscurely that our own lives have a particular importance and purpose, and which urges us to find out our vocation, seeks in so doing to bring us to a decision that will dedicate our lives irrevocably to their true purpose. The man who loses this sense of his own personal destiny, and who renounces all hope of having any kind of vocation in life has either lost all hope of happiness or else has entered upon some mysterious vocation that God alone can understand.”

“We know we are following our [destiny/career/vocation] when our soul is set free from preoccupation with itself and is able to seek God and even to find Him, even though it may not appear to find Him. Gratitude and confidence and freedom from ourselves: these are signs that we have found our vocation and are living up to it even though everything else may seem to have gone wrong. They give us peace in any suffering. They teach us to laugh at despair. And we may have to.” – Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island (both quotes above)

In writer Kathleen Norris’ book Amazing Grace, there is a chapter on her struggle with being a part of the Christian church while an avid reader (and, in her words, therefore believer) of feminist theology. I drew parallels from her struggle to my own tension with this, though not with feminism so specifically. I found her sentence sitting with me, lingering : “It was the false purity of ideology I had to reject, in order to move toward the more realistic give-and-take of community.”

Last week in yoga class, we recited a chant as part of our meditation. As I understand it, the meditation reflects on the cycle of life (I consider re-birth to be a spiritual one, for the record, not reincarnation on earth). The other times we meditate in class, we simply lie still, lights dimmed, listening to the silence. This has made me want to revisit the practice of Lectio Divina that I have read about but never quite got into. I found conviction and frustration in the introductory chapter to The Inner Experience, which are Thomas Merton notes on contemplation, because it is precisely some of the below description of this exterior self that battles for the “contemplative” identity the moment I try to approach the search at all. I am certainly suspicious of my own self-love to bother my way:

“The inner self is precisely that self which cannot be tricked or manipulated by anyone, even by the devil. He is like a very shy wild animal that never appears at all whenever alien presence is at hand, and comes out only when all is perfectly peaceful, in silence, when he is untroubled and alone. He cannot be lured by anyone or anything, because he responds to no lure except that of divine freedom.
Sad is the case of that exterior self that imagines himself contemplative, and seeks to achieve contemplation as the fruit of planned effort and of spiritual ambition. He will assume varied attitudes, meditate on the inner significance of his own postures, and try to fabricate for himself a contemplative identity: and all the while there is nobody there. There is only an illusory, fictional “I” which seeks itself, struggles to create itself out of nothing, maintained in being by its own compulsion and the prisoner of his private illusion.”

And purposefully, lastly, provokingly; lyrics that resonate this week:

“Two Faces” Bruce Springsteen

I met a girl and we ran away
I swore I’d make her happy every day
And how I made her cry
Two faces have I.

Sometimes, mister, I feel sunny and wild
Lord I love to see my baby smile
Then dark clouds come rolling by
Two faces have I.

One that laughs, one that cries
One says hello, one says good-bye
One does things I don’t understand
Makes me feel like half a man.

At night I get down on my knees and pray
Our love will make that other man go away
But he’ll never say good-bye
Two faces have I.

Last night as I kissed you ‘neath the willow tree
He swore he’d take your love away from me
He said our life was just a lie
And two faces have I
Well go ahead and let him try.

____/”"”"”"”"”\____ <– hump. as in wednesday.

ok, enough of that.

Concert last night was vaaandervuuuul! I had only really heard some of the upbeat songs from Feist, but last night she plays a looong set (none of the 3,000 fans complained about that!) and some really incredibly smooth, soulful stuff filled the room. Hubby and I really enjoyed her artistic, random, quirky performances- I’m hoping to get some of her cd’s in my stocking this year!

On another note,

The Imago Book Group is doing Atonement this month. I’m finding the diversion from The Year of Magical Thinking, (my early Fall book- and a non-fiction grief themed book at that), a nice relief!

Check out this paragraph. I love books. Writers are so cool.

“Was being Cecilia just as vivid an affair as being Briony? Did her sister also have a real self concealed behind a breaking wave, and did she spend time thinking about it, with a finger held up to her face? Did everybody, including her father, Betty, Hardman? If the answer was yes, the the world, the social world, was unbearably complicated, with two billion voices, and everyone’s claim on life as intense, and everyone thinking they were unique, when no one was. One could drown in irrelevance. But if the answer was no, then Briony was surrounded by machines, intelligent and pleasant enough on the outside, but lacking the bright and private inside feeling she had. This was sinister and lonely, as well as unlikely. For, though it offended her sense of order, she knew it was overwhelmingly probable that everyone else had thoughts like hers. She knew this, but only in a rather arid way; she didn’t really feel it.”

The movie Atonement comes out shortly after book club meets, which is nice. I wish I could squeeze in Love in the Time of Cholera before I’m tempted to see the new movie of it, but that probably isn’t realistic with my schedule!

Maybe this post is coming from left field, but at this point I’m thinking you guys will take anything so long as it isn’t more poetry. (What’s wrong with you, you uncultured illiterates?!)

Ten things that I find comforting (order is inconsequential):

1. Snacks/food… I seem to have an endless love for popcorn (in a pot, I can never go back to the bag, baby) with lots of olive oil and nutritional yeast all over it; edamame (soybeans in the pod, steamed and served up with some sea salt), avocado and tomato salad (a little cajun seasoning on it), Beecher’s flagship cheese, peanut butter balls… (my husband would think it important to note here that my WAY of eating drives him up the wall and down the block. Whether my lips are smacking, he can hear the crunching, or I’m licking up yeast at the bottom of the bowl, apparently I eat like a stark raving animal. I more or less dismiss his complaints because I was raised with only a dad and brother, both of whom are the social counter of a metro-sexual man. They have hair on their chests, and its a wonder I even know how to paint my toenails, okay?)

2. Movies- as I’ve already shared, I just love movies, talking about them, watching them, whatever. I hate, however, watching movies with some one who does not share my love for movies, who sits there with that -”I don’t get it… they just had no dialog for all of 3 minutes therefore this can’t possibly be a ‘good’ movie”- blank stare. But this is about things that comfort me, not things that irk me, I so digress.

3. Reading. Currently digging through Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, which is quite possibly the funniest book I’ve ever read. Excerpt below:

“I realize there is a whole generation of adults born in the seventies who currently play Sega and Nintendo as much as they banged on their Atari 5200 and their George Plimpton- endorsed Intellivision in 1982. I am not one of them. I agree with Media Virus author Douglas Rushkoff’s theory that home video game consoles are the reason kids raised in the 1980s so naturally embraced the virtual mentality- we never thought it seemed strange to be able to manipulate what we saw on a video screen – but I’ll never accept pixels killing other pixels as an art form (or a sport, or even a pastime). A homeless man once told me that dancing to rap music is the cultural equivalent to masturbating, and I’d sort of feel the same way about playing John Madden Football immediately after filing my income tax: It’s fun, but- somehow- vaguely pathetic.”

4. Beverages… teas, espresso drinks, wine. I used to drink only water because I didn’t want to waste my caloric intake on a beverage that wouldn’t fill me up. Stop and think about that truth, roll it around in your head. Caloric intake… that was a logical and substantial reason to avoid flavored beverages completely. If you do not see something oddly self-oppressive about that line of thinking, go have yourself a beer. Have a few beers, what do I care. Who am I the police? (ah, that “Bronx Beat” is a pretty funny SNL skit)

5.  Walking. I love to walk and wish there was more time for it. When you take the time to walk somewhere (or just “take a walk, which I’m less likely to do because of the lack of an end result), you smell things in the air and look around to locate the herbs or tree nearby… you see interesting aspects of people’s backyards or window panes… you have time for acorns to hit you on the head; drizzle to dampen your hair down. This may not seem like an appealing description, all things considered… but when are all things ever really considered?

6. Music. God is currently in the process of redeeming my relationship with music. This is a statement some one came up with in a theology class assignment tonight. There was a period of time in my life when music I could listen to was limited to only that which was not “secular” in origin or nature. I would have burned my classical CD’s had I been told they too were part of Satan’s plan to take down humanity. A whole half decade of my life was sucked dry of pop culture, for better or for worse. With it were many potential relationships, as any one who listened to secular music could not be a regular companion of mine lest they tempt me with their luring beat. I’m finally rediscovering genre’s and artists I used to resonate with, as well as new voices and tempos that communicate something to me, and I’m intently focused on music that does not traditionally “belong” in church because I’m fairly certain that there is no such thing as “secular” (without God, completely worldly), or if there is, there are much fewer things that truly fit in that category than most people think. Because God has a habit/characteristic of imparting Himself in the most unlikely places via these annoying little creative creatures called human beings.

7.  Poetry. I realize this closely resembles reading, but I place it in a category all its own because I also like to write poetry, and because I see poetry in things that aren’t necessary known as poetry. In an argument with Hubby, I pointed out once that the difference between us is that “my world is written in poetry, where as yours is written like a manual.” So, yeah, let that marinate a while, ya big meany, while I pat myself on the back for coming up with something so inherently witty.

8. Painting- ah yes, the one thing that can so zone me out that you’ll wonder where I have been for the last 8 hours. Playing Tetris had this effect on my one time, but more consistently, its painting.

9. Practicing conversations. You know the kind I’m talking about. Those times of intense communication where Person A and B are played by leading lady, moi? Usually in whispers in the bathroom, where the two characters will surface and it will take my 2 year old son’s bewildered look to make me realize I was playing out this conversation out loud. However, for some reason these little times of practice are fairly useful in gathering my thoughts, preparing me for the time when I might have some one talking back.

10. Large natural phenomena. This is a little cliche, but just because something is cliche doesn’t mean it can’t be true too. Whether I’m in a great big field, standing on the shore of a large body of water, or looking up at a massive mountain, the sheer size swallows up whatever I deemed substantial about my life thus far and spits them back out into pea-sized Vivian staring out in awe.

P.S. It was no accident that I failed to include things like prayer here- I left that sort of thing off the list because I think it goes without saying and I would have little to add about the subject anyway.