“I do not need to see myself, I merely need to be myself. I must think and act like a living being, but I must not PLUNGE my whole self into what I think and do, or seek always to find myself in the work I have done. The soul that projects itself entirely into activity, and seeks itself outside itself in the work of its own will is like a madman who sleeps on the sidewalk in front of his house instead of living where it is quiet and warm.

…The reason why men are so anxious to see themselves, instead of being CONTENT to BE themselves, is that they do not really believe in their own existence. And they do not fully believe they exist because they do not believe in God… the loss of faith has involved at the same time a complete loss of all sense of reality. Being means nothing to those who hate and fear what they themselves are. Therefore they cannot have peace in their own reality (which reflects the reality of God). They must struggle to escape their true being, and verify a false existence by constantly viewing what they themselves do. They have to keep looking in the mirror for reassurance. What do they expect to see? Not themselves! They are hoping for some sign that they have become the god they hope to become by means of their own frantic activity — invulnerable, all powerful, infinitely wise, unbearably beautiful, unable to die!

When a man constantly looks and looks at himself in the mirror of his own acts, his spiritual double vision splits him into two people. And if he strains his eyes hard enough, HE FORGETS WHICH ONE IS REAL. In fact, reality is no longer found either in himself or in his shadow. The substance has gone out of itself into the shadow, and he has become TWO SHADOWS instead of ONE REAL PERSON.

Then the battle begins. Whereas one shadow was meant to praise the other, now one shadow accuses the other. The activity was meant to exalt him, reproaches and condemns him. It is never real enough. Never active enough. The less he is able to BE the more he as to DO. He becomes his own spiritual slave driver — a shadow whipping a shadow to death, because it cannot produce reality, infinitely substantial reality, out of his own nonentity.

Then comes fear. The shadow becomes afraid of the shadow. He who “is not” becomes terrified at the things he cannot do. Whereas for a while he had illusions of infinite power, miraculous sanctity (which he was able to guess at in the mirror of his virtuous actions), now it has all changed. Tidal waves of nonentity, of powerlessness, of hopelessness surge up within him at every action he attempts!

Then the shadow judges and hates the shadow who is not a god, and who can do absolutely nothing.

Self-contemplation leads to the most terrible despair: the despair of a god that hates himself to death. This is the ultimate perversion of man who was made in the image and likeness of the true God, who was made to love eternally and perfectly an infinite good– a good (note this well) which he was to find dwelling within himself!

In order to find God in ourselves, we must STOP LOOKING AT OURSELVES, stop checking and verifying ourselves in the mirror of our own futility, and be content to be in Him and do whatever He wills, according to our own limitations, judging our acts not in the light of our own illusions, but in the light of HIS REALITY which is all around us in the things and PEOPLE WE LIVE WITH.”

-No Man is an Island.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Merton.

As summer teases me with it’s end, I’ve been reminded in more ways than I would have ever asked to be that seasons of change and transition are an ever present part of life. I am reminded that even when I feel my greatest want is for things to be the “same” for awhile, my greatest need could very well be a more courageous face off with yet another set layers I need to shed.

I’m talking about finding stability in the midst of seeming turmoil. Of realizing you have a deep fear that needs to be addressed and purged, a fear you would have not realized was such an underlying driving force in your life had your situation remained honkey dory.

(Did I just say honkey dory? You bet ya )

So I hear Fall is the seasonal representation of letting go, of asking yourself what things you are holding on to. I’ve stumbled upon a blog about transitions and have been getting such nuggets of wisdom:

“From a spiritual perspective, every transition is an opportunity for growth. As we learn how to let go into ‘groundlessness’, we move into a more effortless alignment with life. Life is ever-changing, and when we approach transitions consciously and with the intention of growth, we eventually learn how to accept this truth with grace.

This is not an easy task. Transitions require no less than the willingness to die, to sit in the uncomfortable void, and to be reborn. Who would willingly embrace this task? For some of us, we have no choice. Transitions seem to pull us into the underworld and create such fear, pain, confusion, and disorientation that we must seek help. While in the throes of this challenge, this may seem unfair, and we may be plagued with questions…

Yet when we finally emerge from the pain, we see that the struggle was well worth it. For to enter into the death-void-rebirth cycle is to embark on the heroine’s journey. And when the heroine returns from her voyage, she carries the boons—or jewels—of her travels. One of the great boons is that she knows, at a deeper layer of consciousness, that there can be no light without entering the darkness, and that with each descent into her darkness, the light shines ever more brightly. She knows that next time she is pulled into the darkness—which most likely will occur in the midst of her next major transition—she will be able to navigate the journey with grace. She trusts that, even as she cries and rages, she is exactly where she needs to be. She realizes that she is developing a capacity to die and be reborn and she recognizes that there is no greater spiritual task on earth.” – beautifully written by Sheryl at Conscious Transitions

I cling to such a deeper hope these days that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, in the midst of a stormy sea of fear and confusion and pain. Weaker moments come and go, moments of despair that will surely continue to show themselves for the rest of my life. But I’m learning a lot and part of my dread is turning into excitement about the challenge of removing unnecessary things I’ve held on to, of finding a deeper freedom and faith. Of learning about truly unselfish love, hope, mercy, and about my true self that I keep reading about from Thomas Merton (and bare with me as I share ):

“If we love one another truly, our love will be graced with a clear-sighted prudence which sees and respects the designs of God upon each separate soul. Our love for one another must be rooted in a deep devotion to Divine Providence, a devotion that abandons our own limited plans into the hands of God…

a selfish love seldom respects the rights of the beloved to be an autonomous person. Far from respecting the true being of another and granting his personality room to grow and expand in its own original way, this love seeks to keep him in subjection to ourselves… Such love fears nothing more than the escape of the beloved… A love, therefore, that is selfless, that honestly seeks the truth, does not make unlimited concessions to the beloved…

Hope deprives us of everything that is not God, in order that all things may serve their true purpose as means to bring us to God. Hope is proportionate to detachment. It brings our souls into the state of the most perfect detachment. In doing so, it restores all values by setting them in their right order. Hope empties our hands in order that we may work with them. It shows us that we have something to work for, and teaches us how to work for it.

…All desires but one can fail. The only desire that is infallibly fulfilled is the desire to be loved by God.

…Only the man who has had to face despair is really convinced that he needs mercy. Those who do not want mercy never seek it. It is better to find God on the threshold of despair than to risk our lives in a complacency that has never felt the need of forgiveness. A life without problems may literally be more hopeless than one that always verges on despair.

So thank You for despair, transition and letting go. May they be gentle teachers – I have much to learn.

“”No matter how together we may appear, even to ourselves, buried deep within our heart is the vague sense that something is wrong, dreadfully wrong…

We live in an unnatural environment, a world in which we were not designed to live. We were meant to enjoy a garden without weeds, relationships without friction, fellowship without distance. But something is wrong, and we know it, both within our world and within ourselves. Deep inside we sense we’re out of the nest, always ending the day in a motel room, never home. When we’re honest, we can see we handle our discomfort by keeping our distance from people, responding more to our fears than to another’s desire for love.

We wish we were better than we are, but we’re not.
…

Perhaps the majority of people who report pleasant feelings with only occasional struggles are … rearranging furniture in the motel room, hoping it will feel like home. When we succeed at arranging our life so that “all is well,” we keep ourselves from facing all that’s going on inside. And when we ignore what’s going on inside, we lose all power to change what we do on the outside in any meaningful way.

…

Dogmatism, a demand that we indoctrinate others with our understanding of what is moral, replaces an openness to investigating what God might really want from us.

…

Comforting thoughts about God’s faithfulness can keep us living on the surface of life, safely removed from a level of pain and confusion that seems overwhelming. But God is most fully known in the midst of confusing reality. To avoid asking the tough questions and facing the hard issues is to miss a transforming encounter with God.

…

Life is just too confusing, relationships too difficult, experiences too disappointing, and responsibilities too burdensome for people to easily pretend that the keys to effect living are just doing their duty and denying all that troubles them.

Parents are finding little help in all the popular formulas and principles as they try to deal with their daughter… They no longer feel confident as they do all they know to do.

Men sense their weakness and wish with all their hearts that they knew how to be meaningfully involved with their families. But their efforts to lovingly lead end up in failure. They then retreat to whatever sphere of life offers them a sense of competence, and live without the rich joy of being involved husbands and fathers.

…

We want more, and are therefore vulnerable to following anyone who convincingly holds out the promise of more. We try the latest spiritual fad… and we always come up short. Nothing satisfies, nothing works. In our heart, we know that our latest effort to follow Christ has left issues in our soul unaddressed.

…

Observing habits of self-discipline, orderliness, and general cordiality [bring to mind words like] effective, respectable, and nice. When I look at his life I think, “I should be more disciplined.” I feel a bit pressured, somewhat guilty, and occasionally motivated. The effect of my [struggling friend who responds to terribly disappointing struggle in his life by loving others more deeply], on the other hand, is not to make me say, “I should be more disciplined” but ” I want to be more loving”.

The difference is enormous. Some people push me to DO better by trying harder. Others draw me to BE better by enticing me with an indefinable quality about their lives that seems to grow out of an unusual relationship with Christ, one that really means something, one that goes beyond correct doctrine and appropriate dedication to personally felt reality. The few who report occasional glimpses of Christ that touch their souls more deeply than any other experience of life are the ones who entice me with the possibility of change.

…

An inside look [at our heart] must anticipate uncovering deep, unsatisfied longings that bear testimony to our dignity, as well as foolish and ineffective strategies for keeping ourselves out of pain that reflect our depravity. Each of us is a glorious ruin. And the further we look into our heart, the more clearly we can see the wonder of our ability to enjoy relationship alongside the tragedy of our determination to arrange for our own protection from hurt.”

- (from Inside Out, Dr. Larry Crabb)

We’ve been loving “Mama, is it summer yet” by McClure – it is so timely as we feel the heat coming on strong and the gardens coming up tall.

Here are some pictures of our last week, when things got a little closer to feeling like summer is almost upon us… though, not quite yet.

sharing a raw/cultured cheesecake and frozen blueberries on a blanket with some books

Hosing off in the heat

Enjoys long walks in the woods… gardens… long wood tables… a fireplace…

I’ve read almost THREE (well, really 4 but one is mostly pictures ) books in the last week or so, (I guess that’s what happens when my knitting is packed away? lol) and they’ve been so wonderful for my soul.

From Heaven on Earth; A Handbook for Parents of Young Children, I continue my journey through homeschooling and parenting my favorite little people in the whole world. Sometimes this book creates in me a feeling of, I don’t know, maybe discouragement. The daily life and home structure described seem so simple and yet so unattainable in a world of media, playdates, financial responsibilities, suburbs, etc. But it also gives me something to aspire to, and in the very least, ideas I can put into practice or tuck in my pocket. You never know when they’ll come in handy.

From Little House on a Small Planet, I have again gained inspiration and ideas. My thoughts have certainly been provoked by the idea of never borrowing on a loan you can’t pay back in 7 years (like a mortgage) or living with less square footage than you might *think* you need. Good stuff!

From Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, Thich Nhat Hanh has reminded me about vulnerability, being a peace-maker, restoring relationships. All very appropriate right now as I work out some relational tensions that weigh heavy on my heart. He also reiterates the need for practicing mindfulness, a long post I’d best save for another day.

And lastly, and perhaps my most fun read right now, is A Natural Sense of Wonder. I didn’t think I would love reading this book as much as I do, but its memoir-like account of a father who tries to reconnect his children with the natural world through the seasons is really well-written (he is an english teacher, after all) and charming.

I particularly liked reading about his “affairs” of home searching in his twenties, a tale he accounts as a metaphor for dating relationships. He moved a lot when the kids were young and he and his wife were working and finishing school – all over the country and taking jobs in all kinds of industries it seems. He writes of their desire for some romantic, old-world charm farm with natural land and an abundance of outdoor “wild” play space for his children. I can’t help but find this story incredibly timely for me, as I’ve been dreaming about eventually finding The Place and happily making it Home.

Here the writer retells their house hunt:

My wife and I imagine our kids growing up in some high valley, their spirits fostered by the creases of ragged mountains, their bodies strengthened by exploring spines of nearby ridges, and their thirst slaked by some cascading stream. This reverie calls us away to some land on Sinking Creek with a barn and twenty acres of organic hay, but it’s too pricey for us. Here’s one in the Catawba Valley, on a feeder stream, but it looks a little small, and is that a … confederate flag at the neighbor’s house? We are a little like Goldilocks: this one is too big, this one is too small, still looking for the place that is just right.
Perhaps my desire is stirred by the very writers I’m drawn to: Muir in the Sierras, Abbey in the Arches, Lopez in the Arctic, and Thoreau in the Walden Woods. They’ve each carved out their niche in a place I am seeking mine, but they are a monastic bunch (except for Abbey), eloquent on the need for wild places but silent on the subject of raising children. Besides, we can’t all move there and enjoy it too.

As we are now 1.5 weeks from M-Day, we are doing the usual: cleaning out rooms, packing up, craigslisting furniture, trying to see enough people to say goodbye. We are also doing a “Greatest Hits” of the Portland area and soaking in the Pac NW while we can. We aren’t too overwhelmed with the packing process: We’ve moved *just* twice in the last 6 years, but since one of them was a cross-country move, and the second was just a year ago, it has helped us travel light (well, that and being broke ). Our bought-used items fill up two small bedrooms and a small living room, with very little need for extra storage. IF we had a 3 bedroom plus garage, we’d likely NEED a 3 bedroom plus garage, lol, but we’ve been blessed with “just enough bread for today” – in times like these, we’re grateful we have less sh** to ship.

More soon…

For the most part, neither Chris nor I have ever lived in a rural area. Urban or suburban, even a retirement island in the Gulf of Mexico, yes, but not rural. Not the country.

This new move to the Fayetteville area has us considering a rural homestead for the first time (Fayetteville would be the “urban” option while a surrounding rural town could also be an option), and in doing so it’s brought a lot of things to the forefront of my mind.

For one thing, I was thinking about how limited I might be in a rural setting to find a “emerging conversation” type of church. Of course, I assume we’ll drive into the city on Sundays if we do settle down outside of “town”. And I got to thinking, But Why?

As I know it, the emerging church has been a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stagnant (among other things) conventional church I had been a part of (where adding drums to “Lord I Lift Your Name on High” was “edgy”). We had some like-minded folks in Lakeland, FL that we could have plugged into, but I don’t believe that we, as a family, were ready to do so. Of course, one isn’t hard pressed to find an “emerging” church in Portland, where you can actually be picky about which emerging church to go to based on who approves of female elders or not! *amused at self*

Let’s get back to my thoughts, which are kinda new and I’m not really sure I can articulate this well, but…

You see, the books I read in college about the emerging church seemed to boast that this new “conversation” was one that would engage culture and participate with deep involvement at the community level. I think I took this to mean, based on all the examples given to me, that this meant that the emerging conversation could now take place with a glass of wine in hand or a clever pipe stuck between the lips of a goateed young pastor. Engaging culture seemed to be limited to POP culture, or in the very least, URBAN culture.

As I began to imagine our family in a rural area outside of the city, my knee-jerk reaction was, I admit, that the part of me that feels its a missional mandate to engage my culture would have to die, lol. Which, I began to realize is so odd because I’m basically saying that the rural setting offers no culture with which to engage. No community? No change is needed or wanted?

Is that really true?

I wonder why all the homestead books and emerging church books speak of the lofty goals of reaching inner city and revitalizing forgotten bungalows without offering the alternate scenario: that small towns could also use brave folks who love Jesus and also care about social issues and environmental issues, who are (gasp!) democrat and also read their Bible? Could we go so far as to engage culture by having an emerging cohort meet at Denny’s (parish the thought! lol) or the Waffle House? Or maybe starting or finding a home church out in an area predominantly occupied by chicken farms just seems like too much of a juxtaposition. I don’t know. But doesn’t it beg the question???

I found this article when I googled this question and I really love this part:

I refuse to believe, as I’m betting many reading this do, that the emerging church is, or can be, only a big-city phenomenon. In fact, I and many others need to refuse this notion because many more of us than are known serve churches that are located on county roads, in the midst of cornfields, or in places with populations under 10,000 people. These local cultures of small-town sports and NASCAR and Harley-Davidson, of garden clubs and heritage festivals and factories and depressed neighborhoods next to new subdivisions, yearn for and are able to receive a genuine incarnation of God’s kingdom just as much as the punk rock kids and ravers in downtown Chicago or Minneapolis.

So let’s hear about the emerging Texas pastor who preaches in cowboy boots. Let’s hear about the group of young people ministering to others in their trailer park. Let’s hear about the church that gathers next to the lakeside cabin in the woods for baptisms. Let’s hear about the work being done with factory workers, miners, and farmers. Let’s hear about relating to attendees of bluegrass festivals and county fairs, of churches started in barns and storefronts, of conversations in taverns and greasy spoon diners and truck stops.

Let’s hear about pastors whose hearts burn for these types of places where postmodernism isn’t the label used, but where people may wonder every bit as much whether Jesus has anything worthwhile to say to them. These are places where there may be less competition by other religious worldviews and more by economics, local or national politics, or “this is just the way it is.”

The opportunity to broaden perceptions about this movement is there. The stories and examples exist.

One doesn’t need a big city to do what emerging churches do. But in these smaller places, we still need to do it.

I don’t know whether we’ll end up in town or outside of town, at this point there are many variables. But I think this has put a little fire in my belly about viewing rural areas with more understanding and desire for ALL people to have a living, loving relationship with Jesus and their community.

Anyway, more of this as things unfold, I’m sure. I might even start a separate blog to continue this journey, as there are SO many things I have to share. This year one of my priorities is to deepen my spiritual life and get to know God better. Anyone ever read any Thich Nhat Hanh?

Some thought-provoking quotes in my recent reading of Mothering without a Map:

“In my reading and research I’ve kept an eye out for descriptions of how the ‘ordinary devoted mother’ appears to the child, for glimpses into what it would have been to be the girl or woman standing on a secure base. Robert Karen summed up the mother’s role for older children this way: “To be understood instead of punished, to express anger and not be rejected, to complain and be taken seriously, to be frightened and not have one’s fear trivialized, to be depressed or unhappy and feel taken care of, to express self-doubt and feel listened to and not judged — such experiences may be for later childhood what sensitive responsiveness to the baby’s cries and other distress signals are for infancy.”

“For any woman, mothering in a thoughtful, deliberate way presents challenges. But for those who lack a positive role model and live with the wounds childhood may have inflicted, parenting present additional obstacles. In my interview I talked to many women whose own needs, sometimes even the lowest of them, were not satisfied early in life, and yet who feel both the desire and the duty to provide fully for their children. Although certain specific demands must be met in the child, a wide range of pathways can end in a healthy, successful adult. No one gets a perfect childhood, and no one gets to be the perfect mother. We all must make do, and make peace, with what fate and circumstance provide.”

“The essence of what children need in order to thrive intellectually and emotionally, Robert Karen says, summarizing the whole complex knot, is simply the parent’s availability and responsiveness. ‘You don’t need to be rich or smart or talented or funny,” he says; “you just have to be there, in both senses of the phrase. To your child, none of the rest matters, except inasmuch as it enables you to give of yourself.’”

“If a woman cannot receive, she cannot give. For emotionally healthy women, a balanced give-and-take brings a sense of well-being and leads to maturation… The healthy mother consciously and deliberately provides for her child, giving food and love. This “motherliness” is drawn from a reservoir of motherly behavior that is being continually filled by the emotional gratification a mother receives from her child. The mother is “filed up” by watching the child thrive and respond to her care. If the mother can’t receive from her child, because of her emotional immaturity, then she isn’t refilled and has nothing to give.”

I must confess something: The images from yesterday which showcase a happy 4 year old actively playing and getting a turn in the bus driver’s seat are not altogether accurate. I kinda sort skipped the part where he threw a full blown tantrum and refused to leave OMSI, me gently dragging him out the door with the shoe he refused to put on in my hand and his arm in the other (which is not at all how I like to handle things, but I couldn’t see a better solution at the time.)

The truth of the matter is, Mr. Ethan had a major meltdown when a 2 year old darling girl tried to join him with the ball/air pressure activity. He was so engrossed in this delightful display of air power, (not to mention ready for a nap after 4 hours of bus rides, a movie, and a playground), that he kinda “lost himself” and began pushing this little lady out of his way and yelling at her. Not too typical of Ethan. I asked him to step away with me so we could talk about this behavior, and he was just not having it. He ended up screaming at me and kicking out his feet at me, all in front of a playground room of maybe 50-100 adults plus their children. I told him, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how tired you must be for you to behave like this. You’ve let me know, now, and we are going to head home.” Oh boy. I barely get him out of the door of the playground room while he continues to scream and cry, refusing to put his shoes on. He gets one on before getting a third wind to his tantrum. We make it down the stairs, him screaming and crying still, with only one shoe on. Down the stairs, he reluctantly puts on the other shoe. Outside, we board the bus waiting to shuttle folks back to the convention center to catch the Max.

This is where things get a little more interesting. Getting myself a distance away from the public eye helps me clear my mind a bit and try to figure out a solution to what is going on with Ethan. I felt decent about the whole thing- I mean, it was in a place where tons of kids throw tantrums when its time to leave, and I can block out the staring eyes pretty well by my 4th year of motherhood anyway, lol. Plus, I didn’t feel like I was insanely angry about his behavior. I felt like it was HIS problem and I could only be there to support him and help him figure out the boundaries (not hurting other people or things) until it passed. This helped me keep my cool on the inside, rather than fuming and feeling helpless. Once on the bus, as I was trying to be compassionate and patient, the driver informed us that we have about TWENTY minutes before he can depart. And we were all alone on the bus with this driver while Ethan continued to wail “DON’T TALK TO MEEEEEEE! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING!!!!!!” so on and so forth.

I was trying to undo some of his “flooding”- as in, a person in that state can’t reason, so there’s no use talking yet about how we behave in public, or sharing on the playground, etc etc. His feelings in that moment are too strong to be able to creatively problem solve (something I learned from marriage counseling — ya like?! lol) So I’m just telling him that I understand how much he wants to continue playing, and I hope we can have a good time reading books when we get home, etc.

But all the while, the driver keeps interjecting with “Oh, you’re fine!” and “Oh, you just played too hard, didn’t you?” and “Don’t talk to her like that, that’s your mother!” and poor Ethan was getting more and more distraught. I was still a bit overwhelmed with all that was going on with him, but I tried to put myself in his shoes to figure out why he was getting even worse since we got on the bus. I realized that this stranger bus driver was not only preaching at him, he was also chuckling and laughing at him whenever he would scream. Now, I understand how funny it can be when a little kid throws a big fit for a very “little” reason, but in Ethan’s world, this was NOT a little reason. The driver, though well-intentioned, was adding insult to injury because Ethan was now feeling embarrassed. Every time he displayed how he was feeling and what he wanted, he was getting laughed at! When I realized what was happening, I was then MUCH more annoyed and angry with the driver than with my kid!

I tried to kinda passively get the guy to shush it, but he wasn’t getting the hint. So I moved Ethan and I to the very back of the bus, telling him that maybe he just needs more space right now. Luckily, another family boarded and with us in the back of the bus, he cooled down. Within 5 minutes he was apologizing to the driver for yelling at him, and then asking if he could sit in his seat!

Last night the group of 4 running mamas and 1 super preggo mama were commiserating about our childrens’ behaviors driving us up the wall when we are stuck in public. It is so much harder to allow them to be themselves, which includes the occasional age-appropriate melt-down, when you aren’t in private. The impulse to remove the child from the situation and punish them more harshly than you would at home is overwhelming! Not only are we embarrassed by the attention it is putting on us (or so we THINK, lol) but we also believe that its a representation of us- that our child’s behavior means XYZ about how good or bad we are as parents. Right?!

Sometimes I think I’ve built up a little more tolerance for public outbursts due to having no vehicle- since there really is NEVER a quick retreat to a private place where I can take off down the road, turn up the music, and let the kid wail til they pass out, lol. I envy those who get that, I really do. Not just that, but the car provides the private atmosphere and space the child needs when they have truly been pushed to their limit with running errands or playing a little too long and now they are tired, cranky, hungry, what have you. Imagining these meltdowns and then a 1.5 hour public transportation ride and maybe a mile or more of WALKING HOME puts some perspective on the 5 minutes you have to spend pulling them out of a store in the first place!

But this inconvenience of extended time getting back to a “home base” has also forced me (and Ethan) to find creative ways to deal with each other when we are just fed up. And its forced me to get a little bit more self-confident about how I need to parent him in public, about what behaviors I am and am NOT responsible for (which pretty much always includes MINE and not HIS.)

Being a mother of a tantrum child in public: it’s really, really, really hard to do. The difficulty shouldn’t be discounted for even a moment. But in the end, there are some tweaks we can make to our thoughts, feelings, and responses that make the whole inevitable experience go a little smoother and cause less damage to our relationship with our children.

In my reading so far of Unconditional Parenting (which has changed my WORLD, let me tell you), I came across a segment dedicated to this experience of children acting up in public. Here’s what he advices:

Rule number one: When your in public, ignore everyone around you. The more worried you are about how other people will judge your parenting skills, the greater chance you’ll respond with too much control and too little love and patience. This is not about what people think about you; it’s about what your child needs.
Rule number two: Imagine how this looks from her point of view. Someone having a tantrum is very likely afraid of her own rage, terrified of being out of control. Consequently, you do her no favors by ignoring her or by responding harshly. Use only the minimum control necessary to make sure the people aren’t in danger. Focus on providing comfort and calm reassurance. Let the tantrum play itself out. Later, you can try to address the underlying causes together.

Like I always say: Parenting – what a rush!

Home/Unschooling: there is little else on my mind lately– (well that’s not quite accurate- there is also bankruptcy, driver’s license test, birth control, on and on and on – but none of that I’m really ready to talk about with you all- nuthin’ personal )

So here’s another predictable Vivian-ramble! Skip if this topic is of little interest to you, lol!

In my homeschooling/unschooling reading I am a roll with a real classic – The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Homeschooling! LOL But you know what, its actually not that bad. Kinda just recaps the basics and then goes to grade/age levels. One of the things I was reading was about figuring out your “philosophy of education”.

I remember this term very distinctly from Intro to Education in college (for those who don’t know, I was an elementary ed major prior to journalism). I’d probably get a kick out of reading my final for that class (which was some kind of report about that term and defining my personal philosophy, based on the major ones out there and the history of education and so on and so forth) because I can only imagine that a LOT has changed about me since then. Seven years may not be a long time, but two kids later certainly IS.

When Ethan was not even a year old, I went to a gathering with some church gal’s every Friday morning. One of them was really inspiring to me, in many ways, including the way she homeschooled. I had known a few homeschooled friends in high school because of the large youth group I was a part of, and I was sooo jealous that they got to whiz through things that came easy to them, but were of little interest, like math, in order to practice opera or be in a play at the local community theatre. So not fair! lol

The thing that has struck me most since I began the research on this homeschool journey is that there is SUCH a variety of approaches to homeschooling. Some are very rigid and structured and require a ton of parental energy for curricula planning and reporting and testing and so on. It’s basically those who do traditional schooling, but at home. My impression from the kids AND parents who do this approach are the ones who enjoy it the least, and who often burn out quickly. That method of homeschooling never intrigued me, not only because it simply doesn’t fall in line with my personality type, but because I can’t imagine my kid being able to learn best with that approach.

Then there’s some others that I DO really like, bits and pieces of them. I’ve read a few books on the Waldorf method when Ethan was younger and I loved the simple natural toys, creative and imaginative play, and natural surrounding and Seasonal/Rythmic aspects of that. Some of it stuck with me but some of it didn’t.

Last week at the homeschooling potluck, we had a conversation about the Charlotte Mason approach and the “Twaddle-Free” term (all of which was new to me). I really like some parts of this method, esp the learning through “living books” and narrative. The Idiot’s Guide sums up this method as follows:

“According to Mason [an early twentieth-century British educator], living books are real books (as opposed to textbooks) that make the subject seem real and alive. Mason coined the term “twaddle” to describe books that contained second-hand, distilled information… [The approach emphasizes] good habits and basics (reading, writing and math) and exposes children to real-life learning through such experiences as nature walks, touring art museums, reading good literature aloud, and attending concerts.”

There are some great points in there that could work really well for Ethan and I. I think most people learn well through a narrative approach (in fact, this is how God and humankind have interacted from the beginning- in sacred books, the Bible for example.) And I have always gravitated towards the idea of real-life learning with him, as opposed to manufactured ones. So I want to do more reading of Mason’s and see which pieces of her method I’d like to implement at home.

Another approach you have heard me talk about on this blog is the unit method. This is what I am most familiar with as a formal method because its more or less what I’ve already done with Ethan. I’ll pick certain themes for the month or week or whatever, and we’ll study things through that lens. For example, “The Ocean” can be a theme, esp for kids his age, that provide us with all kinds of learning, from sea animals (biology) to waves/tides/currents (natural sciences) to colors and mediums for arts and crafts projects. Math is all up in there too, from how many legs does a crab have to numbers for temperatures and statistics of animal populations or WHATEVER. It’s kinda of endless, actually, and we could end up on the same theme a lot longer than I expected once we actually got into it!

One reason I like the unit theme approach is that it gives me something intentional to focus on with him, and we can learn all kinds of things that fall under that unit, and we can end the unit whenever he’s lost interest in it or we can keep going if he is curious and eager for more. It’s way more hands-off in comparison to the school-at-home method, can be pretty self-directed, and yet helps me as a work-at-home mom to have a little direction and motivation for how and why we spend our day the way we do (as opposed to me on my laptop all day every day, lol).

I’ve also written on this blog about another approach, called Unschooling. Folks who unschool seem to have varying levels of commitment to this approach, and it looks different in each one’s home. But the basic idea is that children learn from totally self-guided curiosity and real-life learning opportunities that present themselves each day. The parents job is not to teach, but to follow the child’s lead and inner time table/readiness and then simply providing them with the resources and materials to help them understand the topic (or sport or skill or whatever).

This seems like its basically how most kids were educated prior to mandatory schooling came about in the industrial age. Many famous figures were self-learners and did not attend traditional classroom schooling, some mentioned in the Idiot’s Guide include people as Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison, and Charles Dickens. These are folks who learned based on interest, and whose freedom to love learning and search always to fill their insatiable appetites taught themselves a variety of topics and skills, in depth, and landed them as very prominent figures in history. I like picturing little Thomas Edison’s mom who, when his teachers couldn’t handle him, taught him at home using games and adventures- encouraging his interests that later created some of the most famous inventions in history! Never look at a penny the same way again

How I choose to home educate Ethan this year seems to be determined largely by :

• my own personality and lifestyle, (and one might add budget and capabilities)
• my grasp on Ethan’s personality, developmental stage and learning style (which ultimately will determine how successful or unsuccessful a particular approach will be!)
• my view of my role as a parent and my ideas on what children are and are not (including my worldview/spirituality)
• my daily connection with my community, from family and friends, to church, to support groups, to homeless shelters, to community centers, to resources around me like libraries, museums and parks.

This topic, even the micro-topic of simply (ha!) defining my personal philosophy of education, appears for now to be so vast that I will never quite figure it all out. Which is okay with me, by golly I love that I have the flexibility to back off; redefine; plunge through; utilize team sports, private lessons, tutors and classes; pray; pray some more; observe the changes my kid is going through and recalibrate yet again. Basically, I love that this is a part of my journey, Chris’ journey, our kids’ journey, and our journey together as a family unit. It’s an exciting time with my child – to be considering who he is so much, to grapple with my own strengths and weaknesses in yet ANOTHER area of life

More to come…

Another ramble:

Jumpin’ right in, yes we are. Still lacking most of our curriculum books (darn that snail mail!), we mainly spent the week going through books about oceans and ocean animals, doing projects and integrating learning lessons into our daily life. We were able to start the day with “spiritual time” only a three days this week, and twice with yoga (ya win some, ya lose some!). Here are the main prayers/reflections I have found for us to do throughout the day (they are beautiful and you’re welcome to use them).

The biggest thing that has been helping with Lil’ E’s “rhythm” is a chore and behavior chart. Yes, he gets stars — its a bribe, BUT: I feel that this is helpful for us at this age. I can tell that he is learning not only that doing his chores and being well-behaved are things that gets star stickers on his chart, but also that this “incentive” is helping him decipher between his choices, think through what he will ultimately do, and muster the skill of self-control that is so crucial for a 3 year old boy! It has also helped me remain CALM and COOL throughout the day, as I present the choices before him (e.g. at toy store: “I have told you it is time to leave, and you need to follow me to the door. If you go back to the train table for the ‘one last train’, you will have lost your listening star for today. It is your choice. I’ll be waiting at the cart. You can follow me and keep your star, or you can go back to the train table and lose your star.”)

It feels good to have a PLAN for behavior problems that are unique to this age (where as a year or two ago a stern look or clap of my hands might have deterred a precarious situation, he now will rationalize, argue and bargain! WHOA!). So, even when he is in tears because he realized his choice cost him a star, I can calmly check out and be the mom with the screaming boy without that feeling in my chest like I am in the most embarrassing position of my life, all because I am confident in the choices I gave him, carrying out the consequences, and empathizing with his emotional response without wavering on my decision, (and I do hope it gets easier with practice, cause I’m such a noob!) We’ve finally made a pact as a couple that there will be no physical aggression (spank, hit, pinch, grab, pull, drag, etc) to tame his behavior (here’s some reasons why), and there’s been a lot less tears and raising of voices too – which feels in my heart a million times better.

Some things he gets stars for each day, (or doesn’t), include brushing his teeth in the morning and at night, getting himself dressed (both times), making his bed (as best he can), putting toys away when finished, helping with laundry, helping with dishes (drying and stacking), helping with dinner, listening, doing his lessons, so on. He gets really excited to complete a task and watch his chart fill up with stars, so that by the end of the week he can obtain some special (very affordable) prize. This week, he wanted a rolling pin that was his size so he can help me with cookies. We found an unfinished wooden one for $1.20 from an online wood craft store – he was so excited when it arrived yesterday, just in time for him to turn in his star chart for his prize.

Some things he learned this week were ocean animals; lots about sharks, sea turtles, and alligators, the different types, their life cycle, so on. We made a craft this week of water colored sea animals and created an small underwater ocean scene (I drew several, he painted – though the fish he drew himself are pretty cool too!) and a counting project with crab legs (he did all the cutting and letters himself, but needed help with numbers. I LOVE that he drew the eyes and smile upside down- his “touch” ). He had to watch “Finding Nemo” once when I had to work, but I placed lots of paper and colors before him and we interacted with the movie by having him draw the types of fish and ocean life he saw (little blue and orange circles for Nemo and Dori, lol, and one big zig zaggy line for the shark’s teeth! He’s so cute!). Along with the ocean learning unit, we’ve incorporate basic academics, if you will. His spanish vocab has been “La Playa” and “Las Conchas” and then we added “La Estrella De Mar” when he got those down. He’s picking up on phonics, recognizing the sounds of letters/words in our exercises, as well as math (he’s counting to 20 in english, 10 in spanish, and can recognize number 0-9, which we’ll continue to do until he really has it “under his belt”.) Next week we are studying Florida ocean life and the Everglades, since we will be flying to the southern Gulf Coast on Thursday. We will integrate his lessons (again, that word “integrate”, as in holistic, organic, so on) with the turtles we spot treading across my dad’s lawn, the seagulls and shells at the beach, and a trip to the nature reserve to spot some native wildlife. We are also bringing along a fresh doodle pad and new colored pencils, which we will use to document his trip to Florida and draw what he is seeing. For the plane ride, we hope things like this come in very handy, along with his etch-a-sketch, which I have brought out with us this week to occupy him during outings and has been SUCH a success! I love getting to the bookstore, handing him a doodle pad, he lays down on his tummy and draws for 5 minutes giving me time to look around that section without worrying about him getting bored and misbehaving. I kept thinking, “WHY didn’t I do this more often?!”

As always, he likes letters, spells them out where ever we go and every time I bring out his doodle pad for him to draw, he is practicing letters instead of anything creative, lol. I think he’s always had a strong “left brain” in that way – sorting, putting away, counting, letters, so on. He likes free play and loves to build, but gets frustrated with artwork when it doesn’t come out the way he wants it to in his head. I can relate to that, as I have always felt I am creative only in one sense. I can do stuff, but I follow a pattern, copy a picture, etc. The only place I have ever felt “freely creative” is perhaps in certain styles of writing (and I would say this is largely due to the year or so I spent POURING over Poemcrazy: Freeing Your Life with Words in middle school – a book I really recommend!). Otherwise, its more of a logical, methodical, perfectionist “creation” I can’t make it to my church’s group reading of it, but I plan to get through “An Artist’s Way: Spiritual Path to Creativity” in the next 3 months. Speaking of my creativity, check out the picture I painted at christmas, and last night my first knitted swatch (mostly knit, a few purl rows for practice)! I plan to make some baby hats during the long plane ride and while visiting in Florida. Fun!

One of the best parts about the last two weeks is that he no longer asks to watch cartoons. This used to be his morning “thing”, straight to PBS Kids while I started working. Now, I do my best to put off work until the afternoon and spend time with him on lessons and homemaking from roughly 9-1 each day (unless he is at playschool, two days per week, til the end of this month). In fact, once I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie while I made dinner, and he said, “No, I don’t want ANY movie or TV, just music and my lessons, please!” That really touched my heart. How much of his life have I missed that all he wanted was to curl up with me and learn stuff, and I put him in front of the tube? I know we all do the best we can, and life dealt me a pretty hard blow 7 months ago that took me some time to even BEGIN to recover from, but I am so glad we are starting to get back on track now.
Hubby and I continue to see him adjust to our new attempts to parent as “emotion coaches” and its the perfect encouragement to keep trying. So many less meltdowns, so many more compliant, loving behaviors.

Aside: I’m very proud of Hubby for the strides he is making, as a person, employee, christian, husband and father. He continues to work his recovery program, continues to spend lots of time reading and learning, putting in effort and quality time with me and Lil’ E. He is taking such better care of himself, not out of vanity but for his emotional, physical and spiritual health, such as yoga and a healthy, vegetarian diet. He is reading “A Generous Orthodoxy” by Brian McLaren (I never, not in a million years, thought Hubby and I would be able to discuss theology together! I could just cry!) I told my counselor this week that I actually love my husband now. He is becoming the partner, friend and lover that my heart as a woman desires – something I had given up all hope about a year ago. I still grieve, I still hurt, I still feel angry over the past and the 5 years of emptiness that came before, but I am beginning to see us, as a system, changing from the inside out, and it is a miraculous feeling.

As an individual, a mother and a woman, I am learning a lot too. Seeing the ways in which I interact with mother figures as opposed to female “peers”, I am recognizing how often my feelings and reactions come from a place of not knowing what it means to be a woman, uniquely female, confident and strong, but nurturing and soft too. Things that my other female friends make decisions on seem to come fairly naturally as they operate from the blueprint of their “woman manual” based on what they observed their mother’s do (or not do) well. For me, its just kinda blank, a big wormy mixture of female roll models but nothing really formative and substantial. It often takes concerted effort for me to not revert to a 13 year old mindset when being around older women, from doctors to people I have to interview for work, you name it. It’s like there’s a bit of me that is just way more stunted than the rest, and that bit acts like a kid that is needy for love and approval. At this point, I’m just in the phase of recognizing it, maybe every so often “giving it up” to God and asking for Him to fill up any empty spaces with a secure identity in Him and His love for me. I know it will be a life-long process, taking on many forms and faces over the years as I grow.

Books I’m reading/To Read before Verity arrives:
The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron (for me time)
Finding Our Way Again, Brian McLaren (for church “Theology Pub” starting this Monday!)
The Wounded Healer, Henri Nouwen (for book club, gotta read by the 25th, so this one is reserved for plane ride!)
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child , John Gottman (for Hubby & Me time)
The Creative Family, Amanda Soule (for me time)
Wild Fermentation: The Flavor, Nutrition, and Craft of Live-Culture Foods, Sandor Ellix Katz (me time!)

P.S. Rainy Day Tonic: this reminded me of how steamers can “hit the spot” when I don’t want more coffee but I do want a gentle, warm drink on a cold and rainy day. I’ve been making mine with raw local goat’s milk and raw local honey, a touch of fair trade vanilla extract and a sprinkle of cinnamon and allspice. Sometimes I add this to black tea if my goal is NOT to fall asleep

P.S.S. I luuuuv my kitty, Paz. I call him “squishy” and make up songs for him when I see him. However, he is older than we thought. We smelled something this week, could likely be male kitty spray, on Hubby’s newly painted media shelf. We are getting him nuetered this Wednesday, and time will tell if we caught the spraying behavior in time or not. If not, I have to say goodbye to my Squishy And yes, this is the face I make when I call him “squishy”, picture randomly taken courtesy of Hubby.