For the most part, neither Chris nor I have ever lived in a rural area. Urban or suburban, even a retirement island in the Gulf of Mexico, yes, but not rural. Not the country.

This new move to the Fayetteville area has us considering a rural homestead for the first time (Fayetteville would be the “urban” option while a surrounding rural town could also be an option), and in doing so it’s brought a lot of things to the forefront of my mind.

For one thing, I was thinking about how limited I might be in a rural setting to find a “emerging conversation” type of church. Of course, I assume we’ll drive into the city on Sundays if we do settle down outside of “town”. And I got to thinking, But Why?

As I know it, the emerging church has been a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stagnant (among other things) conventional church I had been a part of (where adding drums to “Lord I Lift Your Name on High” was “edgy”). We had some like-minded folks in Lakeland, FL that we could have plugged into, but I don’t believe that we, as a family, were ready to do so. Of course, one isn’t hard pressed to find an “emerging” church in Portland, where you can actually be picky about which emerging church to go to based on who approves of female elders or not! *amused at self*

Let’s get back to my thoughts, which are kinda new and I’m not really sure I can articulate this well, but…

You see, the books I read in college about the emerging church seemed to boast that this new “conversation” was one that would engage culture and participate with deep involvement at the community level. I think I took this to mean, based on all the examples given to me, that this meant that the emerging conversation could now take place with a glass of wine in hand or a clever pipe stuck between the lips of a goateed young pastor. Engaging culture seemed to be limited to POP culture, or in the very least, URBAN culture.

As I began to imagine our family in a rural area outside of the city, my knee-jerk reaction was, I admit, that the part of me that feels its a missional mandate to engage my culture would have to die, lol. Which, I began to realize is so odd because I’m basically saying that the rural setting offers no culture with which to engage. No community? No change is needed or wanted?

Is that really true?

I wonder why all the homestead books and emerging church books speak of the lofty goals of reaching inner city and revitalizing forgotten bungalows without offering the alternate scenario: that small towns could also use brave folks who love Jesus and also care about social issues and environmental issues, who are (gasp!) democrat and also read their Bible? Could we go so far as to engage culture by having an emerging cohort meet at Denny’s (parish the thought! lol) or the Waffle House? Or maybe starting or finding a home church out in an area predominantly occupied by chicken farms just seems like too much of a juxtaposition. I don’t know. But doesn’t it beg the question???

I found this article when I googled this question and I really love this part:

I refuse to believe, as I’m betting many reading this do, that the emerging church is, or can be, only a big-city phenomenon. In fact, I and many others need to refuse this notion because many more of us than are known serve churches that are located on county roads, in the midst of cornfields, or in places with populations under 10,000 people. These local cultures of small-town sports and NASCAR and Harley-Davidson, of garden clubs and heritage festivals and factories and depressed neighborhoods next to new subdivisions, yearn for and are able to receive a genuine incarnation of God’s kingdom just as much as the punk rock kids and ravers in downtown Chicago or Minneapolis.

So let’s hear about the emerging Texas pastor who preaches in cowboy boots. Let’s hear about the group of young people ministering to others in their trailer park. Let’s hear about the church that gathers next to the lakeside cabin in the woods for baptisms. Let’s hear about the work being done with factory workers, miners, and farmers. Let’s hear about relating to attendees of bluegrass festivals and county fairs, of churches started in barns and storefronts, of conversations in taverns and greasy spoon diners and truck stops.

Let’s hear about pastors whose hearts burn for these types of places where postmodernism isn’t the label used, but where people may wonder every bit as much whether Jesus has anything worthwhile to say to them. These are places where there may be less competition by other religious worldviews and more by economics, local or national politics, or “this is just the way it is.”

The opportunity to broaden perceptions about this movement is there. The stories and examples exist.

One doesn’t need a big city to do what emerging churches do. But in these smaller places, we still need to do it.

I don’t know whether we’ll end up in town or outside of town, at this point there are many variables. But I think this has put a little fire in my belly about viewing rural areas with more understanding and desire for ALL people to have a living, loving relationship with Jesus and their community.

Anyway, more of this as things unfold, I’m sure. I might even start a separate blog to continue this journey, as there are SO many things I have to share. This year one of my priorities is to deepen my spiritual life and get to know God better. Anyone ever read any Thich Nhat Hanh?

When I give a whistle, here me shout!

Phew, does any one else feel like the compression in their brain is reaching the “red” territory and sirens are going off with weird “Lost” voice WARNING alarms??? Or — is that just me?

For now, I don’t know how to catch up this blog and it’s readers because I am still not at liberty to reveal the details of the journey I am on. In fact, I won’t be “in the clear” to do so for several months! Kinda agonizing for me to not get this out there for processing, actually — but I’m trying to see it as a lessons in keeping some things private

Suffice it to say, we have lots of decisions to make. I am having to learn all kinds of stuff right now, like a crash course in the grown-up-world (which I have in many ways been too stuck on “survive” to take part in for many years!) Arg, again, I would like to say more about that but trust me, the time will come.

I can feel myself being propelled forward by necessity and desire, yet at the same time that Still Small Voice and many wise friends/family remind me to take this slooooowwwwwwww. I can’t even describe what mixture of feelings and thoughts run through me in the course of a single day lately. I am burdened for they heavy, heart-breaking circumstances happening in the lives of people I love right now. I am struggling to stay present in my own life, (work, homeschooling, marriage, cooking, laundry) while at the same time doing the very real and necessary steps of future planning. As a plan unfolds before me, I feel at first relieved that it is there and then quickly that relief is replaced by the uncertainty of still more unanswered details. (You can relate, heh, Maw Maw?!)

Staying present is SUCH a practice in surrender — and I for one SUCK. AT. IT. Choice is at once liberating and a weighty responsibility — which must make me sound like such a preteen, lol, but it’s true.

Will my family flow gracefully into this next chapter? What hiccups will interrupt our song? What fallen trees will litter our road? Can we “let go and let God”? Can we trust that He is holding on to our loved ones during a time when we are helpless to be of any practical service to them?

Oh, I am just not cut out for life on earth!

And now I am going to spout off words to let off mental steam (tip me over and pour me OUT!):

settling, creditors, SEP, liability, CD, HSA, taxes, jobs, unemployment extension, wagon, reliability, mileage, towing, u-haul, Upstate, budget, giving, saving, credit score, lease, waiting, goals, waldorfing, masters degree, FAFSA, 2 hour yoga class from which EVERYTHING HURTS, fermented, bulk buying clubs, homeschool group let downs, postpartum, mental health, new mexico, job loss, unusable ankle, recovery, counseling, identity, homesteading, solar powered, first time homebuyers programs, dreads, new city, new friends, new neighbors, new church, new farms, new home, new yard, new chickens, new beds, new life — old habits?, JESUS!, decisions, liver and egg yolks.

I feel this week as though so much has changed. A simple, yet profound, shift has taken place. Will it last? Dear God, I hope so.

First of all, I have home schooled. Really home schooled. It’s been a long time. Since before we moved into the community house nearly, what, 10 months ago. Does this mean we did worksheets, flashcards, field trips and quizzes? No.

This week: Ethan made bread. He made Advent candles. He started ice skating lessons. He watercolored his heart out. He played with his nature table for HOURS each day. He didn’t watch TV and stopped asking for movies. He started taking 1 hour naps at the same time each day. He started whining less. He started reasoning with himself rather than arguing with us for the heck of it. He didn’t fight much at bedtime. He used his imagination. He learned new songs. He played outdoor games. He fell more in love with his sister. He fell more attached to his stuffed dragon, Scorch (who now comes everywhere, even ice skating.) He also enjoyed mama’s raw milk hot cocoa every day after his nap. His low point was a boy fight with a friend on Monday – the next time he saw him, however, I heard him say, “Let’s not fight anymore, okay? I really want to play good with you.”

Another endearing thing he said: “Mama, wow. God gave you really special eyes. They are beautiful. Like the inside of kiwi berries.”

He’s ran up and hugged me out of sheer excitement and joy several times a day. We’ve bowed a namaste to each other to share a moment of appreciation, a new “bit” we share.

This week: I spent time with my son. I gave him my attention. I mustered up more energy. I took two yoga classes. I didn’t work much (sigh. the tradeoff? I hope not…). I knitted two waldorf wool gnomes and made one floor puppet waldorf doll for Christmas presents, purchased an amazing wooden kitchen set made just this week by a local grandpa woodcraftsman to gift my children with for Advent/Christmas morning, made lots of soup, made lots of simple oatmeal cookies, made my FIRST loaf of bread in the oven, finally ordered a copy of All Year Round, ice skated with my son for an hour, and oh so much more. When I wasn’t with the family I was either working or feverishly crafting for the holidays. It’s been a tad glorious.

I also moved to a new blog, but kept the archive for mamaneedjava. In many ways I had outgrown that skin. And staying in it was holding me back creatively. The theme was too scattered and it wasn’t growing with me as I’d hoped. The audience was scattered, too. As delicately as I can put this, I must admit that I am now writing for an audience of peers, not extended family members simply looking for an update on the kiddos.

You see, MamaNeedJava began as an experiment in three things: 1. to exercise my writing, 2. to record mine and my childrens’ happenings, and 3. to integrate all of the various aspects of myself, the different “parts” I show and play for different people in my life, into one open-book, transparent, what-you-see-is-what-you-get-Vivian. And I’m so glad I did; It was a great experiment. It DID do all of those things for me. It totally fulfilled its purpose.

But now its time to scale back. Now its time to be vulnerable and transparent, but with more freedom and purpose. I can send photos and updates via email, but here, at Mama Seasons, is where I journal. Here is where I explore my limits, reflect, and set intentions. I want Mama Seasons to be for me another yoga mat; a place all my own, where I can feel weighted as well as the weightless, where I can feel as small as a child and as strong as a warrior in a matter of moments, where I can even doze off if I want to. I want this blog to be a safe place for me to do all this. A place where insecurities of others isn’t blasted into my comments nor the concerns of well-meaning parents show up in my inbox. This isn’t the place for that anymore. This is more intimate, more private. Please respect.

This is the place where I walk the path, and where ever I am is okay. This is the place where I spot “findings” on the side of the trail and bring them here to share with the walkers beside me, in mutual appreciation for this journey’s highs and lows.

As I continue to format and update the new blog, enjoy old entries of MamaNeedJava (with a grain of salt ), and look forward to picturesque moments caught on camera, Advent thoughts and ideas, and other Mama Seasons findings for the month of December.

I have been at a loss these last few weeks – a loss of what to share with you all. Not just on the blog but often in person as well. I feel like all the little munchkin workers running the factory inside my brain have all caught a cold; Everything is a little slower. Harry called in sick and Margaret is complaining about her migraine. Come on, Brain People, get to work!

I have tried a few times to bring you a new and interesting post, and each time I managed to get my wheels turnin’, my brain just said, “fart.” I’m not even kidding. I wish I were. I even think what came out had a bit of foul odor.

Is it motherhood? The constant lack of quality sleep? The ferocious amount of mental energy it takes to keep all the balls spinning on each and every finger of my hands (and the one I balance on my head too!)?

It’s not that I haven’t had anything on my mind, though. Just the opposite. SO.MUCH. Where to begin? How to carefully divulge — with what amount of vulnerability am I willing to risk?

On one hand, I could start and end with the daily hum drum of my life: What I did this week, how yoga is going, how my diet is going, how my marriage is going, how the kids are doing, how homeschooling is going, how work is going.

To all those questions, I would describe things as “just fine!” Nothing newsworthy, which is often a good thing. The week has been fairly balanced, I am still loving yoga even though I wanted to cry when my body would not do an inversion in dolphin position this week (don’t you love how yoga brings out those emotions, showing us how hard we can be on ourselves?!) I’m eating well enough. My marriage is having a good week, we’ve talked a lot and bla bla bla. The kids are good, though Ethan still drives me absolutely bonkers. (The phase he is in is the “DEMANDING” phase. Holy cow. Talk about stressful.) As you could see from my last post, Verity is doing great, already crawling and getting into every little thing. Homeschooling is a lot more like “unschooling” these days since I have been working quite a bit. Last week we went with the homeschool group to the Sauvie Island pumpkin patch and today was the Halloween Party (Chris, Misty and I went as Bollywood stars, Ethan was an alien — thanks to the crazy mother who stayed up all night knitting him a green hat to make into an alien costume…). Work is work. Between 3 clients and another 3 folks I “barter” my services for, things are busy, busy, busy. I’d say the category of “work related” stuff I do each week is teetering on over-time (i.e. 40+ hours/wk), simultaneous with my work as a mom/wife (160 hours/wk). I just keep telling myself that one day, rest will come. One day, the kids will be a little older. One day, Chris will bring in more income. One day. And I don’t say that in a woah-is-me voice, either. I truly am hopeful for that one day. If my dad harped on anything, it was the phrase, “This too shall pass.” Sweet Jesus, how true.

Then there’s all of those thoughts and questions which my mind just turns and turns and turns, until everything inside it is sweet n’ creamy butta, baby. Short and long term financial goals, mine and Chris’ strengths and weaknesses, personal triumphs and failures, which learned roles I take on that I really don’t have to, why I so easily slip into survival mode, why I can’t let go, where we’ll all be in 5 years, will Ethan and I ever be close again, will I ever be able to homeschool the way I want to, why I feel the need to not just deliver but IMPRESS, why I’m all of a sudden disgruntled with our choice to be carless, why we are always broke within a week of a paycheck,… all of these and so, so much more.

More things like new herbs I’ve learned about, new projects I’m knitting, how our new homegroup is growing, if and how I fit into the body of Evergreen Community, my frustration at the sewing machine for wrecking up the pillow covers I’m sewing –

WILL IT JUST SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT I’VE GOT A LOT OF POTS ON THE STOVE?!

Yep. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

This has become a novel, hasn’t it? One big brain fart of a novel. And I didn’t even tell you the details of what I got out of the Betrayed, Redeemed Conference last weekend or anything else of significance in my life lately. I guess I’ll just save that all for a rainy day.

K, I just looked outside so I’ll rephrase that: save that all for a DIFFERENT rainy day.

Cheers, and happy almost- all saints day (stole that off of 30 Rock last night. That and “Good God, your breath! When did you have time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach!” …Ha! Cracks me up…)

Among the changes I wrote about yesterday, I’m also shifting a bit with my work-at-home-ness. While I continue to work on an as-needed basis for one client, it looks like my other long-term work relationship will be getting even more so as my role will be expanding a bit. Adding another title to my list of Random Things Vivian Does For a Living; namely, “Blog Editor”. Which I love – just the word “blog” gets me all smileys.

I worked on my new business website from Vivian Writes to Virtual Creatives last winter and while I haven’t had a chance to go back and improve the functionality yet, I’ve finally just let it be out there for the public because even unfinished it represents what I do much better than Vivian Writes did. I’ll be taking down the Vivian Writes site soon, I suppose. As of now, I’m not looking for another on-going client, unless Chris and I end up having him join me as an independent contractor and he would handle administrative tasks for a new client relationship. We’ll see. It’s a thought.

Well, baby is losing a lung right now she is crying so hard, so I better jet. Just wanted to throw this little tid bit out there.

What’s totally weird?:

• Being down to single digits on the countdown to Verity’s arrival. Tooooootally.

• At last upgrading to the latest Wordpress and updating to a new theme (after doing so for 3 clients already, finally giving a little TLC to my own blog). Kinda “spring”-ish, don’t ya think? Should last a few months, anyway.

• Having nothing, literally NOTHING, else to say right now.

UPDATE: I’ve just gone ahead and updated wordpress and my theme. Please excuse the dust while I spend a wee bit of time customizing! Also, let me know if you are having trouble viewing mamaneedjava in IE! I’m viewing it fine in IE 8.

If any one can help, here’s my prob:

Recently I was notified that my site isn’t showing up in the current version of Internet Explorer. According to an article I read, wordpress.com and photobucket.com (where I create my slideshows to embed here) are both having compatibility problems with IE 8. I want to make sure my blog is basically viewable for IE visitors to see my birth announcement when Verity is born, so I want to try to resolve this issue quickly. I do NOT have time or energy to get the homepage up to web standards because every little plugin and widget I have added over the years technically has some errors in validity. I plan to upgrade my version of wordpress to 2.7 and my customized theme to a web standards compliant, premium theme — BUT, that’s a project for like, maybe this summer, with much more on the front burner right now.

If anyone knows, for real, about why or how to resolve the IE issue quickly, drop me a line (vortecho (at) gmail (dot) com.

THANK YOU!

You probably can’t help but notice the redesign I did today- seems like this just has to be done sometimes, esp since I usually play with a wp-theme so much it becomes pretty dysfunctional!

After like 3 months of looking for the right free wordpress theme, I finally decided on Pitr. I’m sure I’ll play with the background, header, and colors allllll the time, but I do like the basic layout of his theme. Since some of you have written me about various problems with the last theme in your browser, I’m hoping this clean slate will help with that. I appreciate the feedback!

So enjoy! And let me know if you like it!

Dear Diary,

8:45am: I woke up later than I wanted to, for I had to be at work by 10 am which is like SO early for a WAHM to be decently dressed and walking 1/2 mile to pick up the #4 to downtown, ready to pull off my first ever Podcasting experience. It was all the windows fault. There was too much light coming in last night and I couldn’t sleep. So I did what all of us po’ folk do- I grab the nearest blanket I could live without and stuffed it up around the top of the mini-blinds so as to create makeshift drapes. That was about midnight or so, I suppose. So in the morning, when I normally get up by at least 7:30, it was nice and dark and quiet (just so happens Lil’ E ALSO slept in … thankyoujesus.)

9:15am: Catch the #6 instead so I can make a stop at the Starbucks for a quick po’ folk 8 oz. coffee, then catch the MAX from the convention center into downtown. Wait for the MAX for what felt like forever, coffee already cold, and a few sightings of snowflakes. It was a very rainy day and I was cute dumb enough to wear little gray ballet looking slip-ons. Real good, Viv, real good.

9:59am: Arrive to the office with one minute to spare, having bounded through the rain and puddles downtown with my purse and digital camcorder on my shoulders and my laptop case trailing behind me on wheels. Office is still dark and locked up- I’ve beat the boss! Dang I’m good.

10:20am: Call my boss. Realize I missed the e-mail that he wasn’t going to be in until after 11am.

10:45am: Finally get my STUPID VISTA OPERATING SYSTEM to connect to the unsecured network of the ground floor’s coffee shop to plug in to work and enjoy some HOT tea while I wait.

11:45am – 3:00pm: Podcasting 101.

3:00pm: Dismissed from work but its pouring. Sit down at the coffee shop once again and have my lunch- I’m told the “Stinky Hippie” is a soy chai latte. “Ah, that’s a wholesome po’ folk lunch”, I think. I order. I taste. Nope, this is a soy latte. No Chai. (You know, if you can’t get a drink right, how about try NOT naming it things like, oh I don’t know, STINKY HIPPIE, when all it is is a soy chai. Might that clear up some confusion? Just a thought.) But I am really a-okay with soy latte’s so I drink anyway. I forget about my problem of espresso on an empty stomach. (And no, I’m not referring to the BM’s… that is not to say this isn’t also a problem, but for now I simply mean the shaky hands and queasy stomach feeling.)

3:45pm: Waiting for MAX again. Once on, I must decide which way to turn my nose… to my right is a man in black leather with a long gray beard who smells something awful of cigarette’s, while periodically laughing at himself for no reason in particularly. To my left: a fairly normal looking, just-over-the-hill-aged man who must have a cat hoarding problem; he smells like PAH-IS! Naturally, I pick the powerfully odored urine man with the slightly less creepy disposition.

4:00pm: Getting more nauseous from the urine smell and praying I don’t pass out completely. Some one has got to guard my purse, digital camcorder and laptop.

4:15pm: Home again, home again, clickity clack.

5:00pm: We needs diapers, eggs and yogurt. What does a car-less family do in such circumstances? Layer up, walk the mile to the grocery store. Dark outside? Raining? Cold? Minor insignificant details. We are tough cookies, yes we are.

6:00pm: Eating a po’ man’s dinner for a family of 3 with no time to prepare a meal: Cheesy bread – $2.99 (an actual pizza is too expensive). Family dinner? Priceless.

6:45pm: Lil’ E to bed. I tried to think of something witty for this one but I’m at a loss.

7:30pm: Yoga night!

8:30pm: Ouch! The Scorpion. I point out to the yoga instructor, “this is the type of stuff they do on the magazine covers”; Little ol’ noobie Vivian cannot do this. But try, little engine, try. Does any one know about this stuff? Why is it that from this position on I have had some crazy lower back feelings of an almost maternal nature? Some powerful mothering feelings, almost like some deep seated tension from carrying a belly with a hyper-extended back for 9.5 months. Who knows.

9:30pm: My new hobby of skyping (and I’ll have to blog about that another time!) with my best friend for several hours, where I get to practice all of my comedic lines to blog about later. If they fly on her, they are in.

12:00am: Shower. Lay down in bed. The whole room is a-quiver with Hubby’s snoring- his body a 215 pound subwoofer.

12:20am: Up again. Grab some rice milk and cookie dough and start blogging.

12:30am: Dang this cookie dough is da bomb diggity. And 70% organic ingredients too!

Yep, that’s right ya’ll: Organic Fat. Only the best fat for this ass.

(Chat-practiced that line too. Might copyright it, whatcha think?)

For the record, no, this is not my typical diet!

I’m finally getting around to all the widgetizing I had done on my previous design (who remembers these days?):

And though some might come and go (like the countdown to christmas!), I want to point out one I find particularly nifty. The “Swiki Search” in the sidebar I customized to find related information to those looking for support or resources for working from home. Try typing in “telecommuting jobs” and you will see what I mean. I found some new things, including Pajama Mama and all of her telecommuting success secrets! (Through her site I also found author of “I Love My Life: A Mom’s guide to Working At Home” Kristi Tamsevicius’ website, which is a bit inundated with ads BUT because I really enjoyed her book when I first ventured into working from home with my little Lil’ E!)

I hope it’s helpful for any one interested!