What’s Up
It becomes difficult for me to share in this space in times like the one I am having, for lack of privacy on this blog means a certain level of covertness and I am left resorting to quotes I am reading and broad outlines of the events of my life. This will likely continue for awhile as a space for me to journal what I am learning and go back when I feel weak to read over and over the things that seem to give me strength. But in this post I’ll be slightly more personal and specific, careful to approach the subject with love and respect.
I need prayer as I navigate letting go of a person (namely, a husband), a home, a dream, a life. As I take on a more prominent role in the lives of my children who need a loving, patient, stable mother now more than ever. I and the kids are currently living with family in the area and doing our best to feel out each day as it arrives. Always hopeful for a miracle but also trying to accept and be grateful for what IS, even when what IS feels like tragedy. So much has happened in the last week, (even month), so much that has lead me to today and each day, holding my head above water by the grace of God. Some of it remains confusing, but most of it makes perfect sense with every passing day of clarity and the sobering reality of what disease does to a person.
And I have felt the support this week, I really have. Even as I mourn what might be lost and come into the reality of my situation in difficult, even cruel ways, I am reminded at every turn that to live and love means to hold my life loosely, to take on risk, and eventually to forge ahead into the hope of a future.
I do have hope, but I hope in a very general sense right now. Mainly because I have experienced, just two years ago, a total hopelessness that was proven wrong by what only surrendering to God has the power to do. Love is a miraculous thing and for any glimpses of His love here on earth, I am so grateful.
I am so grateful for the love of my friends and family. For my child who hugged me tightly tonight and told me I was the sweetest and bestest mother he ever saw (despite how very often I fail him).
I breathe in and breathe out gratitude and it seems to keep the anxious knot in my tummy a little more pliable. I feel stronger this time and more understanding of what has happened. I can walk out on to the porch in the crispy morning, after a good hard rain and thunder storm last night, raise my hands high to the Heavens and say, “OKAY. I’ll be okay.”
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Oh honey. You’re right there is hope, and I hope it becomes an intimate hope. I’m so sorry for what your familyis going through right now. I will lift you up in prayer.
I find it so comforting to know, that even though I fail my children, that they are not ‘mine’. That their true Father is Perfect and will NOT fail them. That in all the ways I am immature and selfish, He is not. I suppose my job is to continue to point to Him and say, where I fail, He wont. When I disappoint, He will not. When I break down, He will not.
Know that my prayers have been yours today. My heart is heavy and it makes me yearn for Heaven. For Justice, for things to be perfect. The day will come. Until then, keep on keeping on. You are HIS. I admire your tenacity. I am inspired by your words and I am reminded to not put my hope in earthly things, but in HIM. It makes some things seem so trivial. Things like raw milk and composting. I am reminded that my priorities should be about my family, friends and community. That a lifestyle and dream is not the priority. That I should hold those things with an open hand and know that my real priority should be continuing my journey to discover all that Christ has to offer in this life. Thank you for that reminder.
Vivian-
I just want you to know that you’re loved! Your children are so lucky to have such a brave, smart, and loving mom. (Even if sometimes you don’t feel like you are.) Those of us who know you consider ourselves lucky too.
You will be okay. I know this because we serve a redeeming God who, like Lacey said, is unfailing. He does not tire or give up or say, enough when will you learn? He continues in his infinite plan for you and yours bringing to light darkness. Hold on tight.
I do not know what is going on right now, but I do know hardship and I do know what it is like to try so hard to be the best mama in the midst of that hardship. You will do your best (holding tight to God) and you will all be better for it. But, you know this…
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ugh. like others have said, i don’t know what’s going on (and neither do i need to know).
let yourself not feel the need to be so strong, but rather, lean back on your community of family and friends (and most importantly, God). let us take some of the burden that you’re feeling while things seem so shaky and unknown.
(ps, jonas STILL has ethan’s birthday gift! we are going to be hit and miss this month at church, but will bring it next sunday and leave give it to candice or elly if you aren’t there!).
Lots of folks here in PDX praying for you guys
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