Posts from — August 2010

“So let me clearly realize first of all that what God wants of me is myself. That means to say that His will for me points to one thing: the realization, the discovery, and the fulfillment of my self, my true self, in Christ. And that is why the will of God so often manifests itself in demands that I sacrifice myself. Why? Because in order to find my true self in Christ, I must go beyond the limits of my own narrow egoism. In order to save my life, I must lose it. For my life in God is and can only be a life of unselfish charity.

…God’s will for us is not only that we should be the persons He means us to be, but that we should share in His work of creation and help Him to make us into the persons He means us to be. Always, in all things, God’s will for me is that I should shape my own destiny, work out my own salvation, forge my own eternal happiness, in the way He has planned it for me. And since no man is an island, since we all depend on one another, I cannot work out God’s will in my own life unless I also consciously help other men to work out His will in theirs.

…The most important part of man’s education is the formation of a conscience that is capable of seeing God’s will in this correct light, and guiding the response of his own will in strong, prudent and loving decisions. So to live is true wisdom.”

-Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

“”No matter how together we may appear, even to ourselves, buried deep within our heart is the vague sense that something is wrong, dreadfully wrong…

We live in an unnatural environment, a world in which we were not designed to live. We were meant to enjoy a garden without weeds, relationships without friction, fellowship without distance. But something is wrong, and we know it, both within our world and within ourselves. Deep inside we sense we’re out of the nest, always ending the day in a motel room, never home. When we’re honest, we can see we handle our discomfort by keeping our distance from people, responding more to our fears than to another’s desire for love.

We wish we were better than we are, but we’re not.
…

Perhaps the majority of people who report pleasant feelings with only occasional struggles are … rearranging furniture in the motel room, hoping it will feel like home. When we succeed at arranging our life so that “all is well,” we keep ourselves from facing all that’s going on inside. And when we ignore what’s going on inside, we lose all power to change what we do on the outside in any meaningful way.

…

Dogmatism, a demand that we indoctrinate others with our understanding of what is moral, replaces an openness to investigating what God might really want from us.

…

Comforting thoughts about God’s faithfulness can keep us living on the surface of life, safely removed from a level of pain and confusion that seems overwhelming. But God is most fully known in the midst of confusing reality. To avoid asking the tough questions and facing the hard issues is to miss a transforming encounter with God.

…

Life is just too confusing, relationships too difficult, experiences too disappointing, and responsibilities too burdensome for people to easily pretend that the keys to effect living are just doing their duty and denying all that troubles them.

Parents are finding little help in all the popular formulas and principles as they try to deal with their daughter… They no longer feel confident as they do all they know to do.

Men sense their weakness and wish with all their hearts that they knew how to be meaningfully involved with their families. But their efforts to lovingly lead end up in failure. They then retreat to whatever sphere of life offers them a sense of competence, and live without the rich joy of being involved husbands and fathers.

…

We want more, and are therefore vulnerable to following anyone who convincingly holds out the promise of more. We try the latest spiritual fad… and we always come up short. Nothing satisfies, nothing works. In our heart, we know that our latest effort to follow Christ has left issues in our soul unaddressed.

…

Observing habits of self-discipline, orderliness, and general cordiality [bring to mind words like] effective, respectable, and nice. When I look at his life I think, “I should be more disciplined.” I feel a bit pressured, somewhat guilty, and occasionally motivated. The effect of my [struggling friend who responds to terribly disappointing struggle in his life by loving others more deeply], on the other hand, is not to make me say, “I should be more disciplined” but ” I want to be more loving”.

The difference is enormous. Some people push me to DO better by trying harder. Others draw me to BE better by enticing me with an indefinable quality about their lives that seems to grow out of an unusual relationship with Christ, one that really means something, one that goes beyond correct doctrine and appropriate dedication to personally felt reality. The few who report occasional glimpses of Christ that touch their souls more deeply than any other experience of life are the ones who entice me with the possibility of change.

…

An inside look [at our heart] must anticipate uncovering deep, unsatisfied longings that bear testimony to our dignity, as well as foolish and ineffective strategies for keeping ourselves out of pain that reflect our depravity. Each of us is a glorious ruin. And the further we look into our heart, the more clearly we can see the wonder of our ability to enjoy relationship alongside the tragedy of our determination to arrange for our own protection from hurt.”

- (from Inside Out, Dr. Larry Crabb)

After thinking about doing so for a few weeks now, I’ve decided this evening to take some time away from social networks and blogs for awhile, perhaps the month of August, maybe longer. I need to focus on my work, my writing, and Ethan’s kindergarten home school curriculum. I feel the “bustle” of the WWW is zapping too much of my precious mental and emotional resources for these things.

I also hope to do some soul-searching this month, learn a few new skills, gain some peaceful center and find the wisdom to deal with difficult situations I find myself in. That and just kinda… be present.

From a heart overflowing,

“mama”

We all have one of those days. Probably often.

It’s not that something tragic happens or anything actually “bad”, really. It’s just that, even when you are feeling groovy, things around you just are sorta … not flowing?

Maybe I am posting this because it is August. August is, I admit, my least favorite month of the year. I love love love the Fall, Winter and Spring, but Summer has a few highlights and then by August I just want to fast forward to late September, Harvest Festivals and cool nights…

There is truly so much beauty and inspiration in life, but there are times that you have to look a lot harder than normal to see it. I can show you pictures of the kids and the garden, of tea cups and candles and butterflies — but what is beyond the frame of the camera lens? Do I have bad days? A messy house? Longings unfulfilled? Bugs in my garden?

Well, folks, I DO! And despite that I do deem my life magical and charming (thanks mainly to my sweet children, with little help from me!) – there ARE things outside the frame.

So today, instead of the usual Friday “This Moment” of cherished memories, I will let you see beyond the frame into the everyday not-so-quaint parts of my life.

I have dishes that pile up in just 6 hours:

and clothes that have been sitting in the washing machine for several days because I haven’t had time to hang them on the line:

kids who strew their clothes all over their room after you just put them away:

These bugs:

Who do this to all my beautiful corn:

A whole jar full of these bugs:

Who do this to my pumpkin patch:

Flowers that fade much too soon:

And kids who pick their nose:

Not to mention, of course, the AWESOME fact that I hear a litter of raccoons in my attic at midnight:

So, dears, take heart — and I will try too. Maybe if we can embrace life’s messiness and disappointments we can be truly grateful for all we have.

so much to say after this two week hiatus – not sure where to begin.

There’s pics to display, stories of success and failure to share, news to report.

These weeks have included:

- lots of wrestling with the same ol’ life lessons we are too hard headed to “get”

- Ethan turned 5 years old.

- I realized he is a “spirited extrovert” as described in the book “Raising a Spirited Child”. With a sigh of relief I felt more equipped to handle our differences and celebrate who is he is.

- A sweet visit from my sister and her fam

- A heat wave

- Lots of bugs on my vegetable beds that have brought me much frustration. Gardening is supposed to be fun, isn’t it??? I have a nice huge bowl of cayenne/garlic tea I plan to spray all over them tomorrow, so we’ll see if that helps.

- The decision that we want to leave AR when we “get our ducks in a row” to do so. Either back to OR, our “soul home”, and then eventually a village in Burgundy France

- A new show we enjoy together in the after hours of parenting : DEXTER!

- A wee-hours-of-the-morning, spontaneous prayer combustion, awesome girls night with the “Radical Homemaking” group

- Three days of fatigue to recover from the wee-hours-of-the-morning girl night.

- Two of my chickens were killed, leaving a lone Daffodil.

- We trapped the likely culprit, a raccoon, only to accidentally kill it by leaving the cage in the sun during a heat wave for a few hours. Also, it left behind some family members in the attic, which has Ethan terrified and a very light sleeper – a bummer.

- Laughter, tears, prayers, meals, talks, books… life.

I guess that about wraps it up. Until next time…