Posts from — May 2010

Ethan has recently begun wearing ties when we leave the house. He informed me that this is what men do. Oh, do they now?

Often he picks out one of the ties he comes across in his collection and slaps it on and the result is totally charming. What mother doesn’t want to walk around the farmer’s market with a handsome little boy wearing a polka dot tie over his t-shirt?

Here’s the thing, though. This morning he came out dressed for church, all by himself as usual, with TWO ties clipped to his t-shirt. And two mismatching socks under his sandals. This moment was fairly conflicting for me. Part of me, I’ll call her the “good mommy”, wanted to high five the kid for a job well-done and beam that her son is confident, unique, and creative. I glanced at Chris, who muttered his disapproval with the words “geeky, but … that’s okay I guess” under his breath, and my heart sank. Shoot. He’s right, he looks a little geeky. Without further thought, that other part of me, we’ll call her “bad mommy”, instructed Ethan that people just don’t wear two ties and that he needs to pick one. And while he is at it, find some matching socks.

Can you feel how big my cringe is right now? Ouch. Maybe the worst part is that I didn’t really honor this moment all day, but I felt guilty about letting my control-freak tendency come out and do its damage. And I felt ashamed that I let the opinion of others dictate how I would relate to my sweet kid. Maybe I am over-thinking it, but I just really hate moments like that.

In a nutshell, they are failures. And motherhood is more full of them than I ever anticipated, often in way more technicolor brilliance than the above example. Boy, when I was childless, how I thought I had so much figured out! Each year I am less and less the mother I thought I would be, which is not necessarily a bad thing. It is sobering and humbling; I never knew this role would have such capacity to expose my vulnerabilities, insecurities, weaknesses and selfishness. There are times when the exposure is so acute, so revealing, that I have a hard time facing myself. When all of your ideals and values don’t line up with your actions and the ability to change course seems surprisingly sluggish and blocked. Inertia.

As I grapple with what to do about myself, I try to remember to be merciful in my self-talk. To have the wisdom to know what the difference is between a healthy commitment to high standards and being my own (and everyone else’s) worst critic. To have the energy and sense of freedom to laugh, dance, sing, play and be silly. To truly love them for who they are, two ties and all.

“The caterpillar trusts his maker that all is well. He does not cling to his old garment and thus is transformed into a magnificent butterfly. There is no pain, it is a natural transmutation. So it is with us. As the chrysalis is the bridge between caterpillar and butterfly, so is True perception the bridge between separation and Oneness. We are transmuting into a new state of being. Clinging to our caterpillar stage, our old ways of judgement, we shall never learn to fly into the dawn of a new day.” – Peter Erbe

While planting today, a truly majestic butterfly joined Ethan and I to steal a quick drink from my soaker hose on a warm sunny day. I was grateful for the moment to awe over his company.

We planted tomatoes (black prince, persimmon, green zebra, yellow pear, and whopper) and peppers ( red bell, yellow bell, and aneheim) surrounded by seedlings of carrots and lettuces. The small raised bed was then lined with marigolds and chives. Companion planting, yeah baby! Many of the starts I got from a local farm at the farmer’s market; a very sweet and helpful farmer who I was proud to support just a bit with my Mother’s Day moolah

Over on the other side of the front yard, a pumpkin patch is underway. We’ve seeded carving pumpkins, white pumpkins, and sugar pumpkins (for pie), along with a few varieties of ornamental gourds. Can’t wait for Fall!!!

This week’s homeschooling has been about beans We’ve read Jack and the Beanstalk and planted pole beans, dragon tongue beans, sugar peas, and some melon varieties. These will go in the backyard raised bed, a long 20′ x 4′ which will feature more stuff I’ve learned about companion planting. From what I’ve heard, growing your own food in the Ozarks is a lot different from the “plant it, it will grow” Oregon climate and soil I have only ever gardened in. I’ve had to learn about rocky, clay soil and nasty bug infestations and dry, hot summers – so companion planting helps with some of that, along with a proper composting system and lots of soaker hoses – which will eventually be hooked up to rain barrles. For more info on companion planting, check out the classic on the subject: Carrots Love Tomatoes. As for my backyard bed, I’ll be trying out the three-sisters method: the beans will be trained up corn stalks while the ground is kept moist by a covering vines — squash/melons/cucumbers. On the other end of the bed will be a large patch of strawberries (to collect fruit from next year) and kale. Little natural insect repellents will be distributed around the main veggies – mainly marigolds and some herbs.

The chicken coop is coming along, but I’ll show pics when we get the roof and the painting fine tuned. The three musketeers (Chris and his two new boyfriends : Trevor and Cheyne) were working on it last night while the women and kids enjoyed each others company amongst the backdrop of an Ortecho-style Cinco de Mayo celebration (make your own tacos and fried ice cream with Mariachi in the air).

May the music move you…

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.
Each by itself has its pitfalls and perils. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair…
The mark of solitude is silence, as speech is the mark of community.”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Perhaps the lack of silence and solitude is the hardest part about being a full-time mommy. If speech is the mark of community, as Dietrich claims above, then by golly, I’ve had no shortage of community for about 5 years now. From 24/7 motherhood, to church, friends, family, marriage, even a co-housing situation – speech/community has been everywhere. And there have been far too many seasons of imbalance in which the “life with others” part of my life is way overpowering the “life alone” part, which plunges me more times than I care to recount into the “void of words and feelings”.

My hope is that I can be more grateful for this time in life, knowing I will miss the noise of children when they grow up and leave home. Despite a throat/ear area swollen from allergies right now, I am trying really hard to remind myself that from the mouths of babes and infants He has ordained praise (and not just mind-blowing volume-defying nonsense!)

It’s all about balance. Balancing the noise with the silence. SO hard to do with kids around you all the time but I must find a way. I’ve got some ideas so maybe I’ll come back to the blog when I’ve implemented them

In the meantime, a photo journey of the noise/silence journey of this last week…

silence.

noise.

silence.

noise.

silence.

noise.

silence.