Call me radical, call me possum…

This last week I’ve been reading two very interesting books; Radical Homemakers and Possum Living. Both deal directly with some societal “givens” about the way of modern life and what participation in the money economy in America is actually getting us in terms of progression – both as individuals, families, and a community and nation. How we measure success, needs, wants, status quo, happiness and contentment – so much. In some ways, it’s been taking me to places I’m not so sure I wanted to go with myself.

As a gal who grew up largely in a suburban retirement/tourist area off the Florida gulf coast, the mainstream idea was pretty much the ONLY idea I heard. I understood the message that struggling financially was very embarrassing; having the less than perfect car or periods of unemployment was considered downright shameful. The area was enjoying the facade of the “good economy” and housing spikes and EVERY ONE seemed agreed that the use of debt/loans/credit cards as not only necessary but indeed complimentary to the good life and the American Dream.

I think most of us know the truth now. I don’t know a single person my age without one or more of the following skeletons in their closet: shopoholics, workoholics, debtors anonymous, bankruptcy, foreclosures, unemployment, divorce, the list goes on.

The facade began to shatter for me shortly after our move to Portland 3 years ago. Our debt to maintain a certain lifestyle while in college and barely making ends meet became unmanageable and we enrolled in a counseling service to close our accounts and make one monthly payment with a plan to get out of debt in about 3 years. For two years, our debt payment was more than our housing costs, and that burden fell largely on me, as I was the one with a set of skills, a work-at-home-business with steady clients, and no addiction in my way (though not entirely – my co-dependency on other people’s praise and my workaholic tendencies certainly helped me maintain that role!)

After Chris and I began the process of recovering from a cycle of dysfunction and compulsive behavior (a subject I don’t approach much on this blog but one that is very much a part of our story as people, a couple and a family), we faced a set of challenges financially, including another job loss for Chris due to economic downturn and a “surprise” pregnancy and 2nd child to raise. My own grieving process and healing from all that had happened to us was still very much a part of my life, and is and will continue to be. Sometimes putting all that aside to attempt the daily grind is damn near impossible. I went through a lot of counseling and soul searching to motivate myself every hour I continued to work these last two years – and that was on top of the sheer fact that having a 4 year old and baby to care for full-time is more than enough of an exhausting job as it is!

For my part, I played my role because it was what I was used to. I hate this… but I admit that a large part of my work ethic has been in many ways egotistical, and in other ways simply a grasp for control and security. I often made huge decisions based less on my confidence and trust in God, rather on my survivalist mentality of avoiding hypothetical scenarios of danger that lay ahead.

I am so much like the women of the old testament who knew God had a plan and promise for their future (such as bless them with children), yet they were too impatient and unfaithful to see what God had in store for them, so they contrived their own plan (like having their husband sleep with another woman to bare children) – only to later regret it and find ever more bizarre modes of behavior to continue to live as though they are the author and finisher of their own story. The good news is that God always seems to work out the story, even the marred ones these women created, for His purpose. Every step we took out of preliminary REACTION to a fear based hypothetical DID some how have many positive repercussions and invaluable life lessons and amazing people along the way. But by the grace of God I stand…

This week has been so hard for me. I’ve asked myself things I’ve asked myself SO many times – but this week the answers are coming in… maybe you just have to be desperate enough to hear them. Or maybe hearing God reply when you are finally too fed up with your own excuses. Here’s an example:

“Why are my kids so draining?”

“Your kids aren’t what drain you. Your anger is what drains you. Your reactions drain you. Your unrealistic expectations drain you.”

Ouch.

On the eve of Chris finally finding work, something we wrestled with all year, all these scales are falling from my eyes. It’s breaking me. Hard.

Questions about whether or not my work is meaningful, if the services I provide are in line with my values of ecological sustainability, social justice, family, and community (a part of Radical Homemakers which I just can’t shake). Fears about the what if’s, i.e. what if I take risks and make space in my time for more lofty goals and dreams to emerge — what if I risk being broke (and anyway, what else is new?;) ) to pursue a LIVING (not just a paycheck) that integrates my family life, helps my community, and gives me a sense of fulfillment of my creative human potential?

I tried to work this out with my own carefully researched plan (there goes that old testament woman thing I was referring to). For months I’ve been hard at work to open a Waldorf-inspired part-time playschool for preschool aged children. Oh, the countless hours I’ve poured over books and recorded seminars and sheet music and my garden… I thought, for sure, this is the only thing that I can do that doesn’t take away from the life I want to give my children yet brings in the income necessary for us to finish paying off our debts and buy some little parcel of land somewhere in which we can live out our (my?) dreams of a little homestead that requires little or no participation in money economy to operate.

But that was shot down this week, big time, in a way that I am still puzzled by and not sure where to go from here. The verbal agreement of my landlord, the scale-tipping fact that I used to act on signing a lease on this rental home, was renigged, and I am left wondering what it all means and what I should do now. This was my plan, my eggs in one basket, to get out of my jobs working late at night and spending my whole day tired and worried about deadlines (deadlines that, to me, were arbitrary save the “fact” that I “do not let people down”).

Chris can work 50 hours a week with this new job, but if anything has been learned these past 5 or so years, its that there is no such thing as security – not in those terms. We are both hard-workers, but different things make us tick. And whatever did it for me all these years, it’s not doing it for me anymore. I see my children, I see the sunshine, I see the world, and I want to be with it all. All the time. I can’t find the energy to spare for activities that drain my reserves and return only the monetary cracker here and there.

Thankfully, I’ve learned a few other things. Or rather, am in the process of learning.

We can live on very little. That’s one thing. Being thrifty and learning new skills, we can now live on less than half of what we used to need in our budget to make ends meet. We may not have lots of leftovers to sock away funds for our dream home, or afford health care, but we do live “the good life” in many ways. We choose to allocate funds towards disease prevention (i.e. nourishing, nutrient rich fresh meals), we spend more time together and in the earth, and less (or no) time in cars, malls, and in front of tv’s. I must remind myself of these things from time to time, otherwise my list of shortcomings feels overwhelming to me. Maybe not by societal standards, but by standards far deeper and wider and richer, I feel blessed.

So. I don’t know. I don’t know how long it will take to, in the words of Kierkegaard, “with God’s help… become myself”. I could go all philosophical and point out the theory that we ARE what we are. How can we be what we are not? Still, with a view of a Creator, I cling to the hope that I can change:

Learn patience, contentment, grace, love, humility, stewardship, integrity, and peace.

I don’t know how long I will be able to plug away at work in the money economy. Perhaps if I can see it as a means to an end, I can muster up the motivation and see the sacrifice of my time and family as worth it. I don’t know. I am learning, however, that many folks before me have blazed the trails of an alternative means of living on this planet. They have been able to see beyond a life of fight-or-flight decisions and future-worry that is not only counter-productive, but admonished by Christ himself. They have found a lifestyle that is largely self-sufficient, community building, and good for the earth.

That is the journey I am on. But here, in this post, I suppose I am lamenting my “two steps back” that are inevitably part of it. We have been given MORE than we deserve and have often squandered the generosity away by jumping the gun and looking like fools out there running, thinking we are ahead, only to realize too little too late what we have done.

Ah well, I guess I am no better than any one else, am I?