Posts from — April 2010

Hark! The sea-faring wild-fowl loud proclaim
My coming, the swarming of the bees.
These are my heralds, and behold! my name
Is written in blossoms on the hawthorn-trees.
I tell the mariner when to said the seas;
I waft o’er all the land from far away
The breath and bloom of Hesperides.
My birthplace. I am Maia. I am May.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This week has been absolutely full with a teething baby-turned-1 year old (sleepless nights, oh my, the fatigue!) and when not tending to children we’ve been busy planting and readying the yard. We put in a 20′ x 4′ vegetable bed in the backyard, continued to chop away at overgrown honeysuckle TREES (yes, they are huge here! and very prolific!), clear out lose branches from last Winter’s snowstorms, and plant two garden beds. In the front yard, we’ve put in a small 3′ x 8′ vegetable bed and planted flowers and a dogwood tree at the front of the walkway to liven up the curbside a bit. All of this is preparation for some special plans that are shaping up, so despite the recreational connotation of gardening, we are indeed working hard towards an important goal too. This weekend we’ll celebrate May Day very casually, a backdrop to the prep work taking the forefront of our activity this month. Sunday plans include finishing the chicken coop and next week the arrival of our starts to get the veggies in the ground. (Phew!)

I’m struggling with my need to recuperate and refocus before changing gears career-wise, while faced with the reality of lose ends I must tie up before I am free to pour my whole self into my new venture. Also, the “Position Filled” responses keep coming in on job ads Chris has applied to, reminding me to keep surrendering my worries that work opportunities are still scarce for him. I’m trying to stay positive and present while shedding some baggage. My heart aches to focus solely on my role as wife and mother, a role that I have often sacrificed in the name of survival – attempting to be the main bread winner AND childcare provider for our family for the last 4 years. Until recently, I would not have entertained the thought of letting go of this role, largely out of fear, of loss of control, of being thought of as unwise. The shifts in my focus have been culminating for about 3 years now, (beginning homeschool of Ethan, having a second child, and leaving a city I otherwise loved in order to pursue a lifestyle that would allow us to switch roles) all have been building to this sort of climatic moment when we must make some more decisions.

I see so many “signs” around me that I am right where I need to be, and that is encouraging. I have a deep sense of the importance that taking a leap of faith needs to be whole-hearted as well as mindful. I see a future in which I am not up late at night working anymore; I have more energy in the morning, am free to focus on the relationships in my life and create a home for my family without the stress of multiple deadlines and the guilt of having so little left to give.

With this, I also plan to take OFF my plate any thing that doesn’t need to be there. Writing for this blog is one of them. I plan to continue writing and journaling privately, and instead using MamaSeasons as more of a photo blog. As a person who has always found over committing to be a very tempting way of life (!), I’ll have to exercise a lot of discipline to let go of the excess and streamline my time. I just keep telling myself: the kids are only young once. Right now, creating a loving, balanced environment for them is my top priority.

Ok, I suppose I have rambled long enough! Have a Happy May Day, everyone! May your May hold promise and purpose!

*First, a little business: Sarah- you were the winner of “Families, Festivals and Food”! Get me your address and I’ll get it in the mail!*

Life is mysterious. I know – how profound. But for real. And irony sure seems an ever present element in the journey. The criss crossy topsy turvy Oh-The-Places-You-Will-Go-Dr.Suess-ish-ness… I don’t even try to figure it out much anymore. The last 2 years of my life have defied or exceeded all of my former constructs. I am more convinced of the creative brilliance of the Creator of the Universe and less of the textbook, Sunday school “god” than ever before. I also get more angry and confused about it all. Sometimes it’s as absurd as growing and shrinking upon a bite of this and a sip of that down in that hurried little rabbit’s hole.

Some of you are nodding and the rest of you, if you are still reading, have glazed over eyes. I guess my mind has been full as of late. We’ve gone through a lot of changes and more are to come. For me, I’m trying to make decisions about what to focus on for awhile, even if that means sacrificing financial security. As I type, Chris is out applying at a new “green” home building retail store that just opened here in Fayetteville. The hours are perfect and his experience is so well matched, so yes, we are really crossing our fingers and saying our prayers. But he has lots of applications on lots of desks right now and who knows what the right thing will be at the right time. So we are playing a bit of the waiting game, while my own aptitude for pressing on as a work-at-home-mother with two young children in my care full time dwindles. My prayer right now is for a period of refreshing and refocusing to come, and soon!

Ok, I digress with a slideshow from Earth Day with my parents here in Fayetteville with us (sooo nice!):

Things were a little busy last week – we spent a lot of time with new friends, helped build a really cool barn style chicken coop (ours is going up next!), had a lovely day in the country (Ethan skinny dipped for the first time!), had my first Arkansas tick experience (ew!), then went immediately into prep for Chris’ big spanish style birthday shindig. We made 20 pounds of pulled pork, slow cooked for 2 days in a crock pot with lots and lots of garlic, limes and adobo. We had about 4 gallons of slow cooked black beans and rice, along with a big beautiful salad, fresh bread, lots of plaintains and even mofongo! The event was a great excuse to spend time with family and food!

Here’s some pictures of the event and other happenings this week (along with some fun pics of my dreads, now 3 months old )
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So speaking of family, festivals, and food: This is the title of one of my very favorite books. I picked it up when Ethan was about 2 years old and began to gravitate right away to what I learned about Waldorf celebrations. Lately I’ve been reading more and more books and listening to training workshops, all in preparation for something I have yet to tell you guys about but when I do I’ll be so happy to share with you all!

So, today was a rough day. I am fighting a cold, Chris and I are both very tired, Ethan and Verity are both incredibly high needs and the noise level is constant! Not to mention that I have lots and lots of work to make up and I highly doubt I will finish it all. With sore throat and ears ringing, I felt impatient and unnerved today – two things I really don’t like about myself, I must admit. I remember seeing this video recently of a Waldorf home-based educator who said that when she notices the energy of the children getting really rowdy, she first checks her own breathing. That came to mind today, as I strove to check myself as a potential contributor to the wild pent-up rainy day boredom energy of the kids.

So instead of raising my voice for the umpteenth time (working on it!), I told Ethan to be still and silent as much as he could while Chris took Verity off on a drive to fall asleep. While this was happening I made a pot of “Quiet Child” tea from Mountain Rose Herbs and the “Best Oatmeal Cookies” from that well-loved go-to book: Family, Festivals, and Food!

What you can’t experience over this screen is just how tasty and warm these simple little things are. Things are feeling cozier and quieter already…

Well, if you’d like to try them, leave a comment about something you use to help ground yourself or the kids on an everything-is-going-wrong kinda day. Next week, I’ll pick a winner randomly and mail you my extra copy of this book! In it you will find seasonal activities, recipes, verses and songs, and stories for your family to celebrate the year.

My intention: to release. When my palms are aching from holding too tight, and my neck is sore from the tension of the load – put it down, drop the line, just release it all.

The expectations. The fears. The anxiety. The selfishness. The opinions. The consumption. The pain. Just let it go.

Embrace, instead, the reality of true freedom to Just Be. The reality of Love Incarnate.

Here are some pictures from this week:

A discarded robin’s egg found in the backyard reminds us: hippity, hoppity, Easter is on it’s way!

The office is very much a greenhouse at the moment. along with 42 heirloom tomato plants, we’ve got oodles of sprouts already from herbs, peppers, lettuce, melons, gourds, and more. Along with a huge assortment of sprouts from a tray Ethan plated all by himself for his flower garden: foxglove, sunflowers, columbine, california poppy, chinese lantern, money plant, marigolds, zinnia – the list goes on! It’s going to be so beautiful this summer!

Verity and I were on the news Saturday night! Talking about the farmers market (I was a total dweeb. I didn’t even realize this was for the local news, I said something like “good luck on your project!” to the young man as we parted ways- for some reason I thought he was a university student, lol! Then my landlord called to tell me it was good to see me on the 5 o’clock news! Ha…)

Finished Verity’s “pixie” easter bonnet

Ethan got a handmade easter basket at the farmer’s market. I admired the flowers, pottery, amazing bluegrass musicians, and handspun yarns. I purchased a huge local smoked ham (which a portion of is currently crocking for split pea soup dinner!)

My knitting and laptop are never safe from Verity’s curious little hands…

I’ve been spending ample time in the backyard, enjoying the new blooms while the kids play in their sandbox. We’ve been doing more garden bed prep, and have put up a nice clothes line set. Also found a $25 picnic table to put out there, above which is strung white christmas lights. Can’t wait for outdoor dining again!

It’s certainly getting green out there…

Easter baskets lined with sprouts (real grass!) holding hardboiled eggs, yogurt covered raisins and pretzels, a coconut bar, and a few gifts: a dragon bubble wand, beeswax modeling clay, and beeswax block crayons (for Ver), all courtesy of Bella Luna Toys. Ethan also got a “Milo” to play with his “Otis”, and a replacement “Scorch” for the one he lost and still couldn’t live without.

Ethan playing with new neighborhood friends: a sweet polish family who lives a few doors down who we bump into on our evening walks.

I guess that about does it!

Today: enjoy the release.

The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.

Carl Jung (1875 – 1961)

42 heirloom tomato have sprouted!

I remember reading about Carl Jung in my Theories of Personality class in college; his contribution to the concept of individuation played an integral role in my development at that time. When I came across that reading, it struck me. Wiki defines this concept as “the process through which a person becomes his/her ‘true self’” and further explains Jung’s belief that “Individuation has a holistic healing effect on the person, both mentally and physically. Besides achieving physical and mental health, people who have advanced towards individuation tend to be harmonious, mature and responsible. They embody humane values such as freedom and justice and have a good understanding about the workings of human nature and the universe.”

Along these lines, it was notable for me to learn about Jung’s idea of artistic expression as a healing outlet; “art therapy”. He spoke of creative expression as a means to becoming whole.

Ideas that, for me, rang very true. Since as far back as I can remember my life, I have sought to express myself creatively. This doesn’t mean I was ever a master at a particular art form, no. But the countless drawings, books, and poems collected throughout my childhood reflect my desire to be constantly creating something.

Being a creative being is, I believe, at the very heart of being human. It is partaking in something divine – the way in which we were created in God’s image. We are compelled to be co-creators with Him, even when we are completely unaware of it.

There is a harmony I feel when I am creating. It doesn’t matter if I am painting, writing, decorating a room, gardening, tending animals, cooking a meal, laying out a flyer, designing a website project, knitting, sewing, singing, strumming an instrument, taking pictures, building a fairy house with the kids – the medium is not what is important. What is important is that what I am doing is tapping into that limitless part of me that constantly accepts the challenge of a new creation, despite the time, energy or frustration involved, simply because the activity makes me feel more alive. And having children – rearing a family – what more glorious display of our co-creating privilege can we find? I am in awe of this often.

Creating is a spiritual act – one I can feel more acutely when working with natural materials – and without it in my life I begin to get all backwards.

At times I chastise myself for not having a more practical work ethic. For not being able to clock in – clock out at a job, regardless of the ease or pointlessness of the daily tasks, for the sheer result of a paycheck. Believe it or not, I admire those with that ability. Even in the most dire pinch, such work feels like madness to me (this is not an exaggeration – I believe I literally begin to lose my mind!). Without some element of creating happening, I feel panicky, straight-jacketed, and desperate for distraction.

Our family is at a shift, (life is so full of those, isn’t it?) and I find myself drawn to make some changes in my work life and load. While I await the unfolding of Chris’ next path, as he looks for work here in Fayetteville, I know this is an opportunity to fine-tune and adjust many of my personal goals and our goals and values as a family.

As always, I want to work with great flexibility for the sake of being my children’s full-time caregiver. But as Ethan enters Kindergarten age as a homeschooler and Verity is a walking almost-toddler, I am finding the need to revamp my priority of them, much more so than in previous years. This is a very high-need phase of their lives, one that will be over in the blink of an eye, and this fact weighs on me every single day. I don’t want to miss out on their childhood because I was stuck behind a laptop or too tired from a late work night to engage life with them. It breaks my heart, actually.

This shift will entail getting creative (there is that word again!) about how I co-support our family financially, how we make and spend and save money, and what our priorities are. From getting more self-sustainable, to finding ways I can cut back my “laptop” hours in favor of more holistic, integrated work-from-home-mom ventures. I am so eager to share my ideas, but for now I will continue to work them out and see how things shape up over the rest of the Spring. In the meantime, I am trying to stay the course with various jobs that have begun to dry out creatively, as the economy forces more and more companies to budget down to the nitty gritty tasks with little room for initiatives and creative projects. Luckily, I have amazing colleagues which help make the grind worth it. And on the side, I am getting my “fix” for creative expression through hobbies, knitting Verity’s birthday sweater, taking a photography course (will be starting a separate photoblog soon!), starting a nature journal, pen and paper journaling (something I haven’t done in years and years), and dreaming of the day I’ll finally write that book.

So there ya go. My courageous share…