I planned to write an in-depth memoir about what I’ve called, for as long as I can remember, “My Curls”.

But instead I will sum it up because if I wait until I have ample time I just might never get around to this, so: they’ve been with me since before I knew what it was to look in a mirror. I learned to cut them and layer my straight hair over them when I was about 8 years old after being teased on the playground one too many times. They are My Curls; helplessly frizzy curly hair on the very top of my head of straight hair.

They looked like this:

I never felt like any one quite understood how odd this little facet of my tresses was, until I was reading Anne Lamott’s book Traveling Mercies about 5 years ago and jealously read about her transition from untamed locks to DREADLOCKS. It would take several more years and lots more courage for me to actually try them myself…

I began to stop cutting my hair about 1.5 years ago, as well as going “No Poo” to help my scalp and hair make the transition to healthy natural oils and no harsh chemical shampoo. Instead I do the baking soda scrub, apple cider rinse every so often, and other times scrub a little with Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap.

I felt more ready at the turn of 2010, when all these crazy changes began to happen to us and I felt like I was shedding another layer of baggage and identity. So I took the dive!

Here I am getting the backcomb/twist method done. I opted for the no wax method based on this site, which I love. Verity and Ethan got a kick out of the process, which lasted about 4 hours. The result was the most fluffy crazy dreads EVER! For the first week or two I was totally freaked out by my hair.

I kept it under wraps (literally) and continued to care for them with palm rolls. I also decided to comb out the ends so I would still have soft, feminine tips I could style if I really wanted to. It didn’t take long for them to lose some volume. It’s interesting to watch the process, as they lose shape before the actually “lock up”, which takes from 6 months to YEARS to truly mature. Styling dreads is so far really simple and versatile. I don’t think mine are even very obvious. Dressing them up with hand felted wool beads I found on Etsy has been a fun thing too. When I wonder what the heck I am doing, I browse dread photos like THIS GALS and get all inspired.

All in all, I have finally made peace with my curls, as they wind their way into an existing dread and find themselves at home

One more step towards simplicity. But let’s not attribute TOO much weight to the experience- it is JUST HAIR, after all!

Here we are a few days ago feeding ducks under the St. John’s Bridge. I have more pictures to show of this event and all the other things we are doing in Portland before we leave. But I’ll save that for another post.

Had I known how 2010 would start out, I might have spent a little more time enjoying the “boring” aspects of our holidays.

Wow. Yeah. So…

I’ve been keeping some secrets from my blog readers at large, and for now, I still have to keep them! But I can share a little, and must, or I will begin to outgrow this humble little blog and be too far into another world to catch you guys up!

The last 3 weeks have been cra-HAZ-ee. A mixture of some of the most unexpected events to ever come our way, which truly spanned the spectrum of miracles and tragedies. We continue to “process” them all and hold so many in our hearts as we tredge on with life.

This week we finally zero’d in on some decisions about what our future holds and we felt strongly that us Ortecho’s had better get a move on. We have the opportunity to relocate right now; a window of time where Chris can look for work while we find more affordable housing elsewhere in the country that would also be more centrally located to loved ones (though we now have so many loved ones in Portland… *tear*).

A combination of events, circumstances, answered and unanswered prayers lead us to our first (and maybe only) stop along this next part of our journey: Fayetteville, AR.

When we first disclosed the news that we were moving to Arkansas, we got a lot of the same question we did when we picked Portland: “What’s in [insert location of your choice]???” with vague disdain and certain confusion

I think most of the people who know and love us well have come to see us as some brand of pioneers or globe trekkers at this latest surprising locale. Ah, but be that as it may, our hearts actually yearn to find “home” and settle down, and we wouldn’t be taking this step without some Hope that Fayetteville will fit the bill.

Our one-way tickets are booked for February 18th, (so soon!), and we began sorting through our clothing today (ah, the unhappy process of MOVING). I truly feel we are clinging to more than just our ideologies, more so to our FAITH in our loving Guidance and our new found sense of purpose and vision for our family unit. We trust that the light we have received for this next step is just enough to see us through. Sometimes the path we are on as a family creates in my mind’s eye an image of a trail in the darkness, complete with eery noises in the fog of a moonless night. But this latest stretch? It feels a little more like the dawning of a new day. It is the first crack of sunlight, chilly and quiet, when you spot the wildlife that comes out to graze and suck up the dew on long, unkept blades of grass.

Alright, alright, I’m at it again – getting way to allegorical

Deep breathes, simple prayers, belly laughs and cries of surrender seem to capture the mood of this stage. As we each adjust to another transition, we try to keep our sanity and sense of inner stillness.

And after all, what are we as humans if not explorers? Willing to go deeper, farther – within, without? Our family conversations these last few weeks are focused on the adventure that awaits us. Chris and I are excited to find new coffee shops, libraries, thai food, counselors, and of course, community. We are also wondering what God has up His sleeve with the close proximity this location puts us to my maternal family (who I was not raised around)! As for Ethan, he is excited to try out the caves and slip in bat poop (one of my memories when I visited Devil’s Den at age 7!) but when I told him about hiking around things called ticks and chiggers he declared: “I will NEVER go walking in the forest. EVER.”

So I may be more or less “around” these next few weeks as we attempt to get our “stuff” into a rubix cube of material things that can squeeze into a single storage pod for shipping. My heart is bursting with news and surprises and insights that are happening to me every day – but for now, I’ll hold them in and wait until the right time.

Until next time…

Oh and P.S.: I’m sporting dreads these days. No, really. Pictures coming as soon as I don’t look like a gnarly rufkin raised by wolves

I’m up after a loooooong nights sleep (guess I needed it!) still sitting in the dark in my room while Verity sleeps. She needed it too. You see, when she was trying to explore the possibility of biting my nipple yesterday, I had to pop her off and react to the pain to convince her to not try that again. She got wigged out. For about 5 hours she cried and wailed and started to nurse but then remembered my reaction and pushed me away. We laid in bed at midnight, her wailing, tired and hungry, while I just tried to coo at her and pray for her. Finally she fell asleep and so did I. When she woke up through the night, she nursed like a champ. She just needed a little sleep to ease the pain and confusion.

It works that way for us adults, too. The random thoughts and fears that my fatigue surfaces is often long forgotten when I wake up in the morning. Mercies are new.

I’m not enjoying the start of this year, I must admit. It’s put so much on my plate that I am really missing the simplicity of our days – doing some lessons, play, crafts, baking bread and working a few hours when Ethan goes to bed. The predictability and daily rhythm we were beginning to achieve at the end of last year has be upset by the upheavals that planning and moving creates.

An impending move away from Portland weighs on my mind. Part of me wants more time. I want to watch the tulips come up in all my familiar places. I want to sit outside working during the summer while Ethan and Verity and Caleb and Malachi play in the dirt and kiddie pool and get toasty. I want to crunch the leaves when we go trick-or-treating at familiar neighbors. I find such healing in the changing of seasons (something Florida did not offer me) and I hope that our “next place” will feel like home, and quickly! I am determined to put myself “out there” when we move. Ethan wants to know who our neighbors will be, and dog gone it we will bake them something and go introduce ourselves. We’ve already contacted a church we’d like to check out and are searching for home school groups, counselors, etc etc that we will have to find to keep ourselves from being “new” and isolated.

I tell myself it will be just a couple of years. I will look forward to seasons changing in a different area of America. It’s not that big of a change. Serenity tells me to accept, but my stubborn and fearful heart constantly quivers about starting over. Being present with my concerns helps, but sometimes I crave a distraction. Simply NOT thinking about it is a lofty goal

More work has come in this week, which helps. Work reminds me that life is still happening in the margins of all these big plans. Having something to focus on, and finish, is it’s own meditation.

The family and I took a break yesterday and went to see “The Princess and the Frog” – was way cute to see a Disney fairy tale set in New Orleans and the bayous (where my families are from and mostly still reside). While I am not a fan of Disney (at all!), it was nice to just go be entertained by a Cajun musical with Ethan while we split some popcorn. He loved it. I threw up the popcorn later but all in all it was a good outing. (My body was just pissed that I ate so much junk.)

Speaking of eating – oh my – this has been a pleasant moment or two to my days. I haven’t been able to pick up the knitting so reading is my next best escape. I’ve devoured some amazing books on nutrition and cooking. I don’t even know where to begin about that but yeah- let’s just say that I can’t wait til we move (there’s that word again!) and get settled in so I can start cooking my little heart out.

Now that I’m thinking of food, my tummy rumbling is reminding me that I haven’t had my tea and eggs yet. Must go!

More details soon, as plans shape up…

This song has been in my mind all day. My heart is burdened, but I know He is holding those I love who are mourning very, VERY close.

I hope this brings them comfort:

When I give a whistle, here me shout!

Phew, does any one else feel like the compression in their brain is reaching the “red” territory and sirens are going off with weird “Lost” voice WARNING alarms??? Or — is that just me?

For now, I don’t know how to catch up this blog and it’s readers because I am still not at liberty to reveal the details of the journey I am on. In fact, I won’t be “in the clear” to do so for several months! Kinda agonizing for me to not get this out there for processing, actually — but I’m trying to see it as a lessons in keeping some things private

Suffice it to say, we have lots of decisions to make. I am having to learn all kinds of stuff right now, like a crash course in the grown-up-world (which I have in many ways been too stuck on “survive” to take part in for many years!) Arg, again, I would like to say more about that but trust me, the time will come.

I can feel myself being propelled forward by necessity and desire, yet at the same time that Still Small Voice and many wise friends/family remind me to take this slooooowwwwwwww. I can’t even describe what mixture of feelings and thoughts run through me in the course of a single day lately. I am burdened for they heavy, heart-breaking circumstances happening in the lives of people I love right now. I am struggling to stay present in my own life, (work, homeschooling, marriage, cooking, laundry) while at the same time doing the very real and necessary steps of future planning. As a plan unfolds before me, I feel at first relieved that it is there and then quickly that relief is replaced by the uncertainty of still more unanswered details. (You can relate, heh, Maw Maw?!)

Staying present is SUCH a practice in surrender — and I for one SUCK. AT. IT. Choice is at once liberating and a weighty responsibility — which must make me sound like such a preteen, lol, but it’s true.

Will my family flow gracefully into this next chapter? What hiccups will interrupt our song? What fallen trees will litter our road? Can we “let go and let God”? Can we trust that He is holding on to our loved ones during a time when we are helpless to be of any practical service to them?

Oh, I am just not cut out for life on earth!

And now I am going to spout off words to let off mental steam (tip me over and pour me OUT!):

settling, creditors, SEP, liability, CD, HSA, taxes, jobs, unemployment extension, wagon, reliability, mileage, towing, u-haul, Upstate, budget, giving, saving, credit score, lease, waiting, goals, waldorfing, masters degree, FAFSA, 2 hour yoga class from which EVERYTHING HURTS, fermented, bulk buying clubs, homeschool group let downs, postpartum, mental health, new mexico, job loss, unusable ankle, recovery, counseling, identity, homesteading, solar powered, first time homebuyers programs, dreads, new city, new friends, new neighbors, new church, new farms, new home, new yard, new chickens, new beds, new life — old habits?, JESUS!, decisions, liver and egg yolks.

The path I am on has recently taken quite a turn. Or maybe I just see it up ahead, but haven’t ACTUALLY changed course yet. Perhaps I’ve been on whatever trail this has been for so long that I have to keep rubbing my eyes as I approach the upcoming crossroads. Is that a mirage I see?!

These are some findings:

Life is very peculiar. There is so much to be suffered. So much heartache and confusion. Especially since moving to Portland, I have realized just how essential community is to overall mental and emotional health. There are times, seasons even, where being out here has felt poignantly lonely. But for the most part, we have found relationships of support, investment, respect, generosity and love. For that I am so grateful. For SO many things I have found on our most recent leg of the “path” here in Portland: I am grateful.

Life also contains so much joy, surprises, and sweet, simple moments of surrender and worship. What a trip!

And now, change is on the horizon. Life and decisions and freedom, too.

I have a vision of our family a few years from now: homesteading a little urban bungalow somewhere; me- getting slightly better at being energetic and patient as a work-at-home, homeschooling mom; Chris graduating – and more importantly, finding his passion; our children enjoying life and learning and play; our home a place of solace and rest balanced with joy and production, with our hens in the backyard, most of our property covered in food producing gardens, Ethan and Verity’s paintings scattered across the walls. The vision rocks me to sleep at night and soothes the hardest of times. I believe it is a gift from God to catch for yourself a vision for the future and feel even slightly hopeful about life not ALWAYS being how it is now

Very exciting.

Curious about Urban Homesteading? Here’s a great article. Gives me chills just reading it!

In the meantime, enjoy some recent snapshots of our family… there is never a dull moment: