Homeschooling and I have had quite a year. We began strong, though somewhat unsure. Being new to homeschooling can feel a lot like arriving in a supermarket out of boredom… what to look at, what to buy, … not sure what I’m even doing here!

Then moving at 7 months pregnant and having Verity last Spring side-swiped our family routine quite a bit. So we took our “summer break” and started back up in July. Since I gravitate towards the unschooling philosophy/practice of homeschooling (which is, for me, essentially just real world learning as opposed to worksheets and stuff), it was easy to kinda just “go at it” and figure things out along the way. Yet this way of doing our day around “real world” learning only really happened when we were in the real world. The problem is that I work anywhere from 3-8 hours a day on my laptop, which doesn’t really lend itself to a natural learning environment for Ethan. It’s really hard!!! I think what is so hard about it is the actual switching off and on of different aspects of my brain and personality.

Like there’s supposed to be some “ON SWITCH” for creative, motherly, curious, playful, cooking, crafty, outdoorsy Vivian and another “ON SWITCH” for detail-oriented, techie, responsible, dependable, professional Vivian — yet I must confess that I am groping around in the dark basement for the circuit breaker box and CANNOT FIND IT! There are no switches; No easy way to go back and forth CONSTANTLY throughout my day.

Like other mother’s I battle the “mom brain”: I point at something and try to say “Put this over under the………….. thing…….ugh, you know……. um…….. the! ……. CHAIR! The chair! Can you put this under the chair?!”

This whole process of motherhood; the glaring limitations of knowledge, experience, intellect and energy, is exceedingly difficult when combined with the work-at-home-THANG. I’ll never candy coat it for ya- it’s damn hard!

But GOSH! I am so grateful. I am so grateful to be able to pay rent in a lovely house in metro Portland and afford to eat a large variety of incredible foods, all while being around my kids. The sheer fact that I can sleep in with Verity and nurse her all day – I will never take that for granted. And that I can find 30 minutes several times a day to go on a walk with Ethan or read books or whatever — that the vast majority of his rhythm and learning and life is being witnessed by his parents and not a stranger — MAN, I could (and do!) cry at the privilege of being home for these things.

I’m even MORE blessed that my husband is home with me! What a dynamic duo his presence here creates, as he does all the laundry and shares in diapers, dishes, and meals. I am so grateful for the help he gives me while I work, and so proud of him for his recent decision to go back to school to get an online masters degree while helping me at home.

In the meantime, I have been evaluating our days at home, analyzing (and sometimes agonizing!) over the precious and fleeting time we have — how to use it wisely, creatively and positively. It’s so hard to do this when I spend time on my laptop during the day. So hard that…

I’ve come to the conclusion that integrating my work life with my mother life all day long is not working for us, for now. I constantly feel that I am here — but not present. I spend too much time simply questioning my priorities and making the tough decision to figure out what to do next (that report waiting on me OR preparing lunch, painting with Ethan, going to the library…)

I know enough about myself to know that strict schedules and compartmentalizing my life don’t work either. So what is the happy balance? I don’t know. I know I just have to keep workin’ at it until something feels right. And maybe it will never feel PERFECT, but hopefully a little easier than this.

I want to try setting aside 2 days that are Chris’ days with Ethan, which means I can work all day. I plan to have these days be Tuesdays and Saturdays. Sundays will still be family day. But M, W, R and F will be for homeschooling during the day and working at night. That means I probably won’t even crack open the laptop during the day, because it always starts with 10 minutes and the next thing I know, 3 hours have gone by!

Because my personality leans towards sanguine and choleric, I tend to get very motivated and task oriented, yet easily diverted from one task to another and distracted with accomplishing something all the way to its end. I will walk into the bedroom to find a pair of scissors and the frame will catch my eye and I’ll decide it needs a new photo and then when I start looking at photos I decide I need to really scan these in and make back ups, and when I go to scan them in I decide I need to download better photo editing software, and then when I go online to search for the photo editing software I realize I need to … (this is a hypothetical but STRONGLY based on every day life!)

I know this. And I have to just laugh at myself and say, come on’, ol’ girl, get your act together!

All of these things play into how I spend my day as a work-at-home-mom. And when I try to let things happen naturally and have no plans or goals for my home life (i.e. what unschooling tends to look like for me since I have so much work to do), the energy just gets THAT MUCH MORE scattered. And then I’m not at all surprised when Ethan’s energy is that much more scattered!

So I need to get some discipline. Just a little. (Cause that word scares me from back in my legalistic conventional fundamentalist Christian days.)

To help me have a plan, a goal, a rhythm to our days (the days I am to home school as a stay-at-home-mom and not open my laptop), I have decided to bite the bullet and erg, eh, AGST, drats…

get some curricula. DUM DUMT DAH.

I think Ethan has long since been “ready” intellectually and socially for a kindergarten curricula… but here I must tread very, very carefully.

Because I believe that the best way kids learn is through play and narrative and natural every day learning. So I’m not getting workbooks, no. But SOME sort of guide for a year of kindergarten learning, nonetheless, for which we will begin after the Thanksgiving holidays.

What I’ll be doing is purchasing resources/lesson plans/etc within two of my favorite fields of homeschooling: Waldorf and Charlotte Mason.

Through the Waldorf curricula I hope to accomplish a weekly, monthly and yearly rhythm. Every Monday we bake bread, every Wednesday is painting day, so on… I also want to pick out and utilize the natural materials idea, which will help me get rid of a lot of “stuff” sucking up space in Ethan’s room. Because the Waldorf school believes children need simple, all natural materals, anything that is not wool, silk, wood, etc is not used, including polyester stuffed animals, so on. That is hard – even in Ethan’s room which is like 80% waldorf approved, lol. But I won’t go nuts. I believe there’s a lot of good stuff with Waldorf curricula, but I also believe reading is HUGE for Ethan — and so is some electronic mediums such as educational library videos or background music to set the tone for the activity. So Waldorf curricula, with its natural materials, beautiful daily rhythm, handwork and festivals is AWESOME – and I’ll use what I like and not beat myself up for not using what I don’t like! lol

With this new Kindergarten year (again, which I’m beginning for Ethan after Thanksgiving) I will also supplement with Charlotte Mason curricula, which sets the bar high for “living books” and emphasis on character building, reading, so on.

In addition, I’m considering registering Ethan (when he turns 5) for AllPrep. A friend has told me about this program, which is essentially homeschooling under the umbrella of a free charter school, but which scarcely involves itself in your homeschooling aside from supplying you with lots of resources which you can choose to use or not. One of which is a $500 credit to use at Village Home and another is FREE Rosetta Stone (language learning software that is really expensive!). For the Rosetta Stone stuff alone, I am seriously considering doing this next year, so we would be able to own the awesome resource (we would pick Spanish, of course, but many languages are available).

Ok, wow, I guess I could write about this stuff forever, heh? My little angel baby is awake now, very fussy from her teething ailments. Now that I’ve relieved my brain of some of these highly flammable thoughts, I better skiddaddle. Until next time…

Next week we will celebrate our THIRD Thanksgiving in Portland. It’s crazy to think about where I was then and where I am now. So many things have happened and the person I am is so different… yet learning so many of the same ol’ lessons too.

But before I get started on a rant about milestones and the fleeting years of my children’s early life, a tribute to my lovely Portland — because only in Portland would the sign at a roach coach (delicious strand of food carts lining the streets downtown) I am grabbing lunch from have a sign that reads: “Tip: Tasty protein shot without any oil which is dynamite”!!! Yep, this is Vivian’s town, fo’ sho’.

Back to the rant: As you all remember from a few weeks ago, Verity began crawling. Well it has taken her no time at all to enjoy pulling herself up to standing and begin cruising around the furniture. And today I felt her gnaw on my finger and low and behold- she has TWO TEETH!

She’s stinkin’ cute, isn’t she?!

I am NOT ready for this. Just yesterday Ethan was my squishy little baby boy. I didn’t know if I ever wanted another. He was my angel. We sang “Santa Baby” the book to bed every night and his sweet 3 year old voice knew all the words. I relished his last year before he turned into a “kid”. Where did the time go? There are times I wish I could just do nothing all day but get to know my children. I envy the moms who can do so, (though I realize the grass is always greener too). Ethan and I don’t have the bond we used to have. Slowly we are differentiating as he, miraculously, grows into an independent little guy – well-adjusted, opinionated, and strong-willed.

Thankfully, I know our time of practically breathing in rhythm as he breastfed wasn’t meant to last forever. The night’s I could spend 30-45 minutes with him in his bed, reading 3 books and singing 5 songs, have turned into rushed busy night’s that he is often tucked in by his dad while we can only spare the time for 1 book and 1 song. Sigh. What is a work-at-home-mom with a 6 month old baby to do?

I want to recapture all that lost time and get back in sync with my child, but sometimes I don’t know where to begin. The amount of things I seem to actually be able to get done in a day are remarkably minuscule – I often must stay up until 1am just to get to SOME of them.

I’m ranting, but its bittersweet. I know this is all natural but I just wish I could spend more time with my kids while they are this little. There will always be time to work in the future. I have got to come up with a plan to be more fully present during family time. It’s flying by soooo fast, and its NOT OKAY WITH ME!!!

Okay. Whew.

It’s that crazy time when I start rearranging furniture every week and feeling as though some how my life will with it be rearranged and work better.

Can’t some one just write me a check every month for being a mother so that I can pay my bills? Is that too much to ask? lol

Ok, I am going straight to pictures from here on out because otherwise I will be revealing on way too vulnerable a level just how bonkers I feel today about the neverending work-at-home-mother saga.

Verity standing up everywhere, plus a video of her bath time (for grandparents, lol).

My hand knit wool yoga socks (hopefully on sale soon):

Ethan, my way-too-quickly-growing-up boy, hiding out with his friend Paz who he has adorned with pearls.

Tomorrow we are doing a waldorfy Lantern Walk through the woods. Saturday is a big home school family-wide potluck. I’ve been pretty busy and trying to get back in the swing of things since being sick, but its all good. Just gotta figure out how to be a mom who works from home and isn’t constantly bitter about how to make it all work out for myself, my children, and my clients! Arg…

Busy in some ways, not busy in others… restless mind today and lots of outings these past few days. Trying to remain in the present and not get too overwhelmed and/or hopeless about various situations in life. Note to self: So many wonderful things to notice about the here and now!!! My prayer is for gratitude and contentment…

Enjoy recent pics:

Well, I’ve done it again.

Blame it on the illness. Blame it on the rain outside. Blame it on the lack of work today. Who knows. But I decided to whip out my next project and learn to make…

THAI FISHERMAN YOGA PANTS!

I’ve been a fan of these pants for awhile, my roommate Lacey had a few and I kept thinking how comfy and forgiving they look but I didn’t want to pay for them. They are all OVER Etsy but I just didn’t want to dish out the dough.

So what does mama do instead? Makes them herself!

I found this pattern (3/4 down the page) and marked up some pattern fabric (see how much I DON’T know? I don’t even know the proper name for that stuff!). I fired up my 20 or 30 year old free Kenmore sewing machine. And, well, the rest is history.

They turned out great! I’m so glad I took the time (ahem 5 hours) to make my first ones properly. I made the first in dark green organic cotton. Delicious! I plan to make a stencil painting on the legs too!

Oh, you want to know the best part? These pants are one size fits all. Hubby looks FANTASTIC in them and now has some pants to wear to Couples Yoga!

Okay, so these are the second pair in cotton with a pretty pattern. These only took about an hour, maybe less actually…

They start like this. (No, this is not my “I’ve lost 60 pounds” Subway shot )

Then you fold one side. Then the other, and you tie the belt in the front.

Then you fold over the top.

Then you strike a pose.

Then you do a Napoleon Dynamite. (round house kick to the face.)

You like?

Life this week has been slightly run of the mill. We had a really good conversation on HOPE in our packed living room for Home Group on Tuesday night, which was probably the highlight thus far. I’ve been able to do a little more with Ethan these last few days and work more at night, which is good in some ways. We took a walk and collected some branches and holly and rosemary and have plans to do some sort of seasonal “tree” along with a wreath of holly and herbs and pine cones and so on. But then its been too rainy to work on it so our treasure pile is sitting outside in the drizzle

I worked on making him a wall cozy from scrap fabric and one pine branch I found with a few pinecones still attached as the bar. It’s pretty cool! It holds his doodle pads, chalk board and white board, colored pencils flash cards, etc. I got the idea from my new copy of Amanda Soule’s Handmade Home (which I heart (almost) as much as The Creative Family.) I painted a little fall tree for kicks.

We also moved the rocking “couch” to his room, under his bed, as a place to snuggle on rainy days. I think these new additions to his room prepare us more to hunker down in there through an unschooling winter Right now we are somewhat learning about cowboys and indians, as we continue to work on reading skills.

The minute October heads out, winter begins to head in. It’s chilly, but not overly so. Right now the November wind is really picking up outside and with a cracked window in the living room I am listening to our wooden wind chimes. Verity is sucking on wooden blocks on the carpet and Ethan is screaming, “I’M DOOOOOOONE!” from the bathroom (still wants some one else to wipe his rear end.)

My throat is swollen and my sinuses are funkdyfied — I’m praying I get over the start of this cold fast, but something in my body says I should gear up for my first flu rather than be too hopeful. I’m forcing down water with Wellness Fizz (homeopathics), Lacey’s AMAZING raw honey cough syrup (raw honey, essential oils, and herbs), and citrus Kombucha, and Kefir (probiotics), and warming spices and antioxidant rich fruit salads and trying to do a little yoga here and there to flush out toxins. I’ve got a light day tomorrow so I’m hoping I can just recover rather than get worse.

Immune Boost Tea is brewin:

Homemade Chicken Stock is simmerin:

We also just picked up our monthly azure order tonight and I thought it would be fun to show you guys what the fridge of an 8 person household looks like. With 4.5 dozen eggs, 5 pounds of dates, several gallons of raw milk and kefir, 1 gallon of raw apple cider vinegar, a large assortment of produce stuffed in the bottom bins, lots of soup left overs from dinners, a freezer stuffed with frozen fruit for smoothies, frozen local meats that were on sale, so on and so forth- things get a *little* full in there.

The interesting thing is that we don’t really have a pantry. We have several shelves in the cabinets for smaller containers of our bulk ingredients (whole wheat flour, nuts, yeast, what have you), but very little “consume NOW” foods. I try to get things like that from Trader Joe’s. I recently discovered 2 products from TJ’s that I am a huge fan of: Glutein-free brownie mix that is delicious and only 2.99. It is made with organic brown rice flour, organic evaporated cane juice, cocoa and pretty much nothing else, lol. Awesome! The other thing is Ay Say (I need to check on the spelling) but they are crackers made with very simple, all natural ingredients. They are delicious and only 1.29 a box (so suffice it to say we get like 10 at a time). These are both great alternatives to healthier brownie mixes and crackers at places like New Seasons, where one tiny bag of groceries is $60! lol

Anyhoo. So…yeah. Until next time!

I am…

• knitting these, and it is fun. (If you aren’t logged into ravelry.com you can’t view this, but suffice it to say they are cutie sweetie fingerless gloves with cabling and fun stuff on them.
• reading this, and it is inspiring.
• listening to my baby fart, and it is hilariously musical.
• about to watch Harry Potter with Hubby, in front of the ambiance of our electric fireplace in our room … and very much looking forward to it.

Sometimes I feel like the Grinch. A grumpy, cranky, irritated, impatient, selfish, angry old Grinch. Oh wait, that’s not just sometimes.

But, you see… it’s not Christmas that I despise. It’s not the noise of all the Who’s down in Whoville. It’s the noise of my life. The constant barrage of noise. Some of the noises aren’t even audible.

Yesterday we had the house to ourselves for the afternoon, the housemates out at their parents for the day to celebrate Halloween. I felt really excited about Halloween and very grateful for my family.

THEN…
The following took place within 5 minutes:

I sat down, happy as a clam, to start knitting a new project. The cast on was “provisional cast on” method, something new to me. I clicked on a little video to view the demonstration and I was a little baffled. Frustrated, I turned up the volume a bit and tried to concentrate a little harder. I had finally gotten Verity to sleep just minutes before and I could feel the familiar sense of impatience with myself creep up, knowing I had only so long to “myself” before she would wake up again, or Ethan would need something, or a chore would need to be done, or food would need to be made, or an event would need to be prepared for, … etc.

Ethan was watching a movie and apparently not so happy about things the fact that he could hear my 2 minute tutorial video from my laptop across the room. He started raising his voice asking me to turn it down so he could hear his movie. I was engrossed and determined to steal a few minutes for myself to learn something new, so I didn’t even register WHAT he was saying. All I could register was a whiney, demanding voice that was ruining my thought process (and what else is new?)!

To make sure he was heard, he got up from his spot and got right in my face, abrasively coming directly between my video and I, repeating like a broken record something about my video interrupting HIM!? (The nerve!!!) In a frustrated, Grinchy instant, I snapped. White flashed before my eyes and I stood up, raised my face to the sky like a wolf and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAACHED. An octave away from a dog whistle, let me tell you.

The baby woke up, of course. Ethan started crying and ran off to his room, of course. I felt like a total failure, of course. Chris looked at me like I was a wild woman, of course.

Emotional exhaustion is all that follows my Grinchy moments. It’s the pits. The worst feeling. I have to go back and smooth things over, explain, apologize, take responsibilty and make amends. Try to move on, try to start anew. And I’m always ten times harder on myself about it than anyone else is. The kids seem to have bounced back within seconds, while I am still realing over my mistake.

It seems only full-time, stay-at-home parents seem to be able to relate to the truly grueling job of 24/7 noise and needs. Those days that you have to take as long of a shower as possible because that is literally the only time you will have to yourself all day (or in a couple of days!!!) I can’t even begin to imagine the HOURS that other adults have to themselves. HOURS?!?!?!?! Um, am I green with envy yet?!?!?! You mean you can watch a movie without interruption? You mean you can drive somewhere and just listen to music? You mean you can read a book for more than 5 minutes? What is this life you speak of – IS IT REAL? Will I ever have it again?

It has been FOUR. LONG. YEARS. Four years of being around at least one young child for all or the vast majority of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Folks, I can’t even poop in peace. He will be barging in if I forget to lock the door or BANGING on the door if I remember.

Where are my boundaries, you might ask? Right where they should be, thankyouverymuch. I do tell him when I’m tired or when I’m angry. I walk away when I can take no more. I tell him I need space when I need a moments peace. I institute a “quiet time” every afternoon and on good days, he actually takes it willingly!

But then you throw a baby in the mix. Boundaries with a baby? LOL

And then you throw in a full-time work load FROM HOME.

And then you throw in chores, and meals, and counseling, and homeschooling, and outings, and… ???

The noise is constant. And in my worst moments, my response is utter Grinchyness. Suck. And the worst and best part is that I KNOW BETTER. I know I can choose my response, I know I can manage my feelings better. But practicing inner peace despite the crazy demands around you is an entirely different matter.

But let’s digress and move on to a related topic:

Today Chris and I got three GLORIOUS hours away from the kids, (whom we love so much and never want to leave them BUT boy are the breaks refreshing with a capital R!!!)

We signed up for a co-ed spa day at MamaZen. Three hours. Granted, the way there was stressful. We were late, trying to leave the babysitter with everything she would need for 4 hours with a nursing infant and 4 year old. We got on the bikes and raced the 4 miles or so to the yoga studio. It was hilly. I was out of breath, my thighs were screaming at me, and I was disgruntled and cold and pissed that I’m always late to things. Then Chris’ reflector broke and spewed out at me behind him. Everything took too long. I felt like a total idiot for the life I lead on my freaking flipping bicycle. F-bombs were murmered. Tears even escaped my eyes. Yep, lovely bike ride to spa day.

But don’t worry, it gets better.

Hour one: a yoga practice of extended, gentle poses and guided meditation, meant only to increase awareness and release tension, deepening into relaxation. The yogi had wonderful, beautiful things to say, things that seemed so poignantly related to my life. At one point he said, “We are always assuming that the harder we try, the better we are doing. But what about trying SOFT?” I wanted to cry. What am I paying a counselor for – this freakin’ yoga class was therapy!!!

Hour two: Tea service, complete with sandwiches and tea and mimosas. I cuddled up in my blanket in a chair next to Chris on the porch and zoned out, silent almost the entire hour.

Hour three: Seated in some kind of crazy ergonomic reclining chairs, we were covered with blankets in a circle in the room, a lavender eye pillow on our faces, hot peppermint tea refilled constantly on the night stand beside us. A LIVE HARPIST played soothing music and I just ZONED some more. I saw myself as a strong tree in the fall, allowing and accepting the autumn winds which would rid me of my weight, as the leaves fluttered effortlessly to the ground in time with the harpest’s music. I went deep into my thoughts for the first time in maybe 7 or 8 months. During this time we received hand and feet massages, and our time ended in upright position with hot salt mineral foot bath in a private bowl of pebbles and floating flowers. Nice…

Yes, it was back into the harsh reality of our life – hitting the bikes in the dark; very cold, to trek home. It was invigorating and I tried to welcome that, but my life is so stimulated and invigorating ENOUGH that it was hard to really embrace a cold bike ride home, even through beautiful neighborhoods and silent streets.

I sit here having a bowl of popcorn and a glass of red wine, trying for the first time in far too long to write out my feelings. But this post is pushing 1,200 words and I feel I must leave it here. I’ve recorded a little of my life and the rest will come, in time.