The Ordinary Devoted Mother

Some thought-provoking quotes in my recent reading of Mothering without a Map:

“In my reading and research I’ve kept an eye out for descriptions of how the ‘ordinary devoted mother’ appears to the child, for glimpses into what it would have been to be the girl or woman standing on a secure base. Robert Karen summed up the mother’s role for older children this way: “To be understood instead of punished, to express anger and not be rejected, to complain and be taken seriously, to be frightened and not have one’s fear trivialized, to be depressed or unhappy and feel taken care of, to express self-doubt and feel listened to and not judged — such experiences may be for later childhood what sensitive responsiveness to the baby’s cries and other distress signals are for infancy.”

“For any woman, mothering in a thoughtful, deliberate way presents challenges. But for those who lack a positive role model and live with the wounds childhood may have inflicted, parenting present additional obstacles. In my interview I talked to many women whose own needs, sometimes even the lowest of them, were not satisfied early in life, and yet who feel both the desire and the duty to provide fully for their children. Although certain specific demands must be met in the child, a wide range of pathways can end in a healthy, successful adult. No one gets a perfect childhood, and no one gets to be the perfect mother. We all must make do, and make peace, with what fate and circumstance provide.”

“The essence of what children need in order to thrive intellectually and emotionally, Robert Karen says, summarizing the whole complex knot, is simply the parent’s availability and responsiveness. ‘You don’t need to be rich or smart or talented or funny,” he says; “you just have to be there, in both senses of the phrase. To your child, none of the rest matters, except inasmuch as it enables you to give of yourself.’”

“If a woman cannot receive, she cannot give. For emotionally healthy women, a balanced give-and-take brings a sense of well-being and leads to maturation… The healthy mother consciously and deliberately provides for her child, giving food and love. This “motherliness” is drawn from a reservoir of motherly behavior that is being continually filled by the emotional gratification a mother receives from her child. The mother is “filed up” by watching the child thrive and respond to her care. If the mother can’t receive from her child, because of her emotional immaturity, then she isn’t refilled and has nothing to give.”