The Importance of Rest and Exhale in Homelife

A few years back I picked up some books on the Waldorf philosophies of early childhood, and was inspired not only by the emphasis on nature and creative play, but also by the role of rhythm, be it daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, so on.

The rhythm of my life is something of a balancing act. While I need high octane “gal nights” to blow off steam (hence the recent Bollywood night fiasco in which Misty and I had a *little* too much wine and attempted a Bollywood Dance Workout video during the intermission of a 3 hour Bollywood romance movie!), I also have to BALANCE such events with periods of rest and introspection. Work is balanced with play. Rest is balanced with activity. When the balance is off – WATCH OUT! (The cranky weepy beast in me is unleashed!)

Children, of course, need this balance as well. From the womb, rhythm is an integral part of their existence. Left alone, children would likely develop fairly balanced and healthy transitions to their day — what the Waldorf rhythm idea calls “inhale” and “exhale”. Inhale is the productive, busy, high energy and usually physical parts. It’s taking IN. Exhale is the rest that must follow to gain energy for the next “wave”.

How we model our own balance and self-care before them can play a very influential role in how they self-regulate their own energy levels and activity choices. I’m bummed at the ways my own “survival mode” coping mechanism and unbalance has demonstrated for Ethan how to NOT listen to that “inner voice” and, as my dad likes to say it, “run around like a chicken with its head cut off”. But I’m learning, and developing healthy habits takes time, I know. It’s consoling to know that I HAVE integrated more leisure and recreational time into my life, that I have carved out more time for myself, for my marriage, and for the kids, than I did when he was younger, (before we began counseling in our marriage and back when all I did was “escape” to work!) Yeah, I don’t make as much money, but I do have increasingly more peace when I follow these principles.

On a related note, Ethan has never been a big sleeper during daylight. He goes down well at night around 7-8pm without a fuss and doesn’t get up until about the same time in the AM. This is how he’s been since he was at least 2 years old, when we chanced transitioning him to a toddler bed before the concept of leaving his room even dawned on him. Left alone without any preconceived warnings, he slept all night – to our utter joy! Around the same age, however, he “gave up” naps. It takes a lot to get him to fall asleep during the day, even on days he has run around quite a bit. Though, some days he just says that he’s tired and falls asleep accordingly!

Being in Oregon, the summer’s long days affect his sleep patterns – as well as mine. There’s this sense of being drained by the dry heat and long sunny days, by the constant opportunities to soak in the summer by events and activities all around our beautiful city. By the time summer is winding down (like NOW), we crave the Fall and Winter so our bodies can rest, hibernate, heal and reflect.

I’m discovering more and more the need to rest, hibernate, heal and reflect. Failing to do so takes a tole on every aspect of who we are as humans – body, mind, heart, spirit. I’m also learning that “exhale” can be achieved in activities I didn’t previously consider – and that things I hoped to bring “exhale” failed to do so. Take a family vacation, for example. I looked forward to going to the beach with the family, picturing this mini road trip, beautiful sights, and ample time to converse and explore within our family system. HA! DOUBLE HA! The stress of such a trip far outweighed the moments of clarity and gratitude, let me tell you! I came home that day even more detrimentally in need of “exhale” than before I had left!

Nap times are another example. When I set out to follow a daily rhythm with Ethan including time for homeschooling and lessons and so on, Chris and I decided to institute a “quiet” time in the afternoon. I committed to somewhat “forcing” it for awhile, thinking that he might need a little coaxing to get into the habit that eventually will become natural. After a couple of weeks, it was becoming apparent that Ethan’s rhythm may not be the rhythm WE choose for him. It was becoming a fight on most days to get him to stay in his room at all, even after lights were dimmed, belly was full, books were read. Sometimes he plays by himself quietly, sometimes he crawls up in his bed and takes a nap, but its all on days that HE elects to rest. Other days, he is dead set against it.

Today, my default parenting came out and in frustration I told him we would end up locking him in his room.

…LAUGH OUT LOUD. AT MYSELF.

In about 5 minutes I realized the absurdity of this “threat”. Not only was it futile, not only was it taking no account of his feelings and choices, not only was it NOT achieving a quiet afternoon like I desired, it was all of these things AND damaging to our relationship.

So, I sat back and said, you know what – I’m going to trust him instead. Forcing the quiet time is not working. What if I just see what he wants to do, within reason, and just… let him?

So I said “yes” to him getting ANOTHER waffle from the freezer (today his reason for not sleeping was he was too hungry, despite that I was SURE he wasn’t after two bowls of pasta for lunch AND his refusal to eat a pear – i.e. “well, then you aren’t really THAT hungry, are you?!” )

I said “yes” to him. It wasn’t like I waved a white flag, threw my hands up in defeat and said, “I SURRENDER! YOU NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO WALK ALL OVER ME!” I don’t believe that was the message that came across. It was more like I just gave it some extra thought and decided that my gut was telling me to try something else, something kinda like, well, listening to him. Believing him. Trusting that if I allow him the space to decide, he will eventually develop the skill of self-regulating, self-discipline, so on. He will find the value in listening to his inner time table and “exhaling” when his flow deems necessary.

What did he do? Exactly what he needed to do. He ate a waffle. He was obviously a little hungry. Then he took a poop! (I wouldn’t have wanted to be forced to sleep when I was hungry and/or needed to poop either! lol) After that, he played rather quietly in the laundry/play room with his cars. This was HIS exhale.

I am also realizing that exhale can be things other than a family vacation or a nap. It can be a task he will take on like putting a puzzle together- he will draw into himself and be physically still for 30 minutes while electing to put the puzzle together, humming quietly to himself. I might go out for tea with a girlfriend to “exhale” or pop in Gilmore Girls DVD’s or blog or take a longer shower. Sometimes, my “exhale” activity is picking up my room, or cooking, or knitting – not based on duty but based on that spurt of inspiration to clear the space around me.

If I trust myself to choose an activity that best suits my need to rise and fall each day — why not trust him? He might get it wrong sometimes. He might push himself too far, play too long and hard, and have a major melt down at the most inopportune time. (Just like I do, sometimes!) But those moments teach me a lesson about myself, what my limits are. I can’t always “go, go, go”. My dad used to warn me as I pushed myself hard in high school that I was “burning the candle at both ends”. That was very wise advice, for I certainly was doing just that! I have the gray hair to prove it But I’m grateful that I was always given the freedom and trust to figure myself out, even in early childhood. I could go on discrediting him by saying that he is just a child and he needs me to “teach” him structure, but when I look at the natural world and reflect, I see that guidance/influence/modeling and structure/coercion/force are not one in the same. Locking him in his room would never have solved MY problem, or his, lol. I should have simply focused on myself and MY need for a quiet afternoon, asked for it politely, and otherwise left him the hell alone. LOL!

A prayer for you, readers: may you learn to rise and fall – and let others do the same!