A few years back I picked up some books on the Waldorf philosophies of early childhood, and was inspired not only by the emphasis on nature and creative play, but also by the role of rhythm, be it daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, so on.

The rhythm of my life is something of a balancing act. While I need high octane “gal nights” to blow off steam (hence the recent Bollywood night fiasco in which Misty and I had a *little* too much wine and attempted a Bollywood Dance Workout video during the intermission of a 3 hour Bollywood romance movie!), I also have to BALANCE such events with periods of rest and introspection. Work is balanced with play. Rest is balanced with activity. When the balance is off – WATCH OUT! (The cranky weepy beast in me is unleashed!)

Children, of course, need this balance as well. From the womb, rhythm is an integral part of their existence. Left alone, children would likely develop fairly balanced and healthy transitions to their day — what the Waldorf rhythm idea calls “inhale” and “exhale”. Inhale is the productive, busy, high energy and usually physical parts. It’s taking IN. Exhale is the rest that must follow to gain energy for the next “wave”.

How we model our own balance and self-care before them can play a very influential role in how they self-regulate their own energy levels and activity choices. I’m bummed at the ways my own “survival mode” coping mechanism and unbalance has demonstrated for Ethan how to NOT listen to that “inner voice” and, as my dad likes to say it, “run around like a chicken with its head cut off”. But I’m learning, and developing healthy habits takes time, I know. It’s consoling to know that I HAVE integrated more leisure and recreational time into my life, that I have carved out more time for myself, for my marriage, and for the kids, than I did when he was younger, (before we began counseling in our marriage and back when all I did was “escape” to work!) Yeah, I don’t make as much money, but I do have increasingly more peace when I follow these principles.

On a related note, Ethan has never been a big sleeper during daylight. He goes down well at night around 7-8pm without a fuss and doesn’t get up until about the same time in the AM. This is how he’s been since he was at least 2 years old, when we chanced transitioning him to a toddler bed before the concept of leaving his room even dawned on him. Left alone without any preconceived warnings, he slept all night – to our utter joy! Around the same age, however, he “gave up” naps. It takes a lot to get him to fall asleep during the day, even on days he has run around quite a bit. Though, some days he just says that he’s tired and falls asleep accordingly!

Being in Oregon, the summer’s long days affect his sleep patterns – as well as mine. There’s this sense of being drained by the dry heat and long sunny days, by the constant opportunities to soak in the summer by events and activities all around our beautiful city. By the time summer is winding down (like NOW), we crave the Fall and Winter so our bodies can rest, hibernate, heal and reflect.

I’m discovering more and more the need to rest, hibernate, heal and reflect. Failing to do so takes a tole on every aspect of who we are as humans – body, mind, heart, spirit. I’m also learning that “exhale” can be achieved in activities I didn’t previously consider – and that things I hoped to bring “exhale” failed to do so. Take a family vacation, for example. I looked forward to going to the beach with the family, picturing this mini road trip, beautiful sights, and ample time to converse and explore within our family system. HA! DOUBLE HA! The stress of such a trip far outweighed the moments of clarity and gratitude, let me tell you! I came home that day even more detrimentally in need of “exhale” than before I had left!

Nap times are another example. When I set out to follow a daily rhythm with Ethan including time for homeschooling and lessons and so on, Chris and I decided to institute a “quiet” time in the afternoon. I committed to somewhat “forcing” it for awhile, thinking that he might need a little coaxing to get into the habit that eventually will become natural. After a couple of weeks, it was becoming apparent that Ethan’s rhythm may not be the rhythm WE choose for him. It was becoming a fight on most days to get him to stay in his room at all, even after lights were dimmed, belly was full, books were read. Sometimes he plays by himself quietly, sometimes he crawls up in his bed and takes a nap, but its all on days that HE elects to rest. Other days, he is dead set against it.

Today, my default parenting came out and in frustration I told him we would end up locking him in his room.

…LAUGH OUT LOUD. AT MYSELF.

In about 5 minutes I realized the absurdity of this “threat”. Not only was it futile, not only was it taking no account of his feelings and choices, not only was it NOT achieving a quiet afternoon like I desired, it was all of these things AND damaging to our relationship.

So, I sat back and said, you know what – I’m going to trust him instead. Forcing the quiet time is not working. What if I just see what he wants to do, within reason, and just… let him?

So I said “yes” to him getting ANOTHER waffle from the freezer (today his reason for not sleeping was he was too hungry, despite that I was SURE he wasn’t after two bowls of pasta for lunch AND his refusal to eat a pear – i.e. “well, then you aren’t really THAT hungry, are you?!” )

I said “yes” to him. It wasn’t like I waved a white flag, threw my hands up in defeat and said, “I SURRENDER! YOU NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO WALK ALL OVER ME!” I don’t believe that was the message that came across. It was more like I just gave it some extra thought and decided that my gut was telling me to try something else, something kinda like, well, listening to him. Believing him. Trusting that if I allow him the space to decide, he will eventually develop the skill of self-regulating, self-discipline, so on. He will find the value in listening to his inner time table and “exhaling” when his flow deems necessary.

What did he do? Exactly what he needed to do. He ate a waffle. He was obviously a little hungry. Then he took a poop! (I wouldn’t have wanted to be forced to sleep when I was hungry and/or needed to poop either! lol) After that, he played rather quietly in the laundry/play room with his cars. This was HIS exhale.

I am also realizing that exhale can be things other than a family vacation or a nap. It can be a task he will take on like putting a puzzle together- he will draw into himself and be physically still for 30 minutes while electing to put the puzzle together, humming quietly to himself. I might go out for tea with a girlfriend to “exhale” or pop in Gilmore Girls DVD’s or blog or take a longer shower. Sometimes, my “exhale” activity is picking up my room, or cooking, or knitting – not based on duty but based on that spurt of inspiration to clear the space around me.

If I trust myself to choose an activity that best suits my need to rise and fall each day — why not trust him? He might get it wrong sometimes. He might push himself too far, play too long and hard, and have a major melt down at the most inopportune time. (Just like I do, sometimes!) But those moments teach me a lesson about myself, what my limits are. I can’t always “go, go, go”. My dad used to warn me as I pushed myself hard in high school that I was “burning the candle at both ends”. That was very wise advice, for I certainly was doing just that! I have the gray hair to prove it But I’m grateful that I was always given the freedom and trust to figure myself out, even in early childhood. I could go on discrediting him by saying that he is just a child and he needs me to “teach” him structure, but when I look at the natural world and reflect, I see that guidance/influence/modeling and structure/coercion/force are not one in the same. Locking him in his room would never have solved MY problem, or his, lol. I should have simply focused on myself and MY need for a quiet afternoon, asked for it politely, and otherwise left him the hell alone. LOL!

A prayer for you, readers: may you learn to rise and fall – and let others do the same!

I finally picked up a used copy of “Raising Your Spirited Child” today as my next order of reading to understand Ethan and how to parent him. Chapter one was mostly about what that word means and what such a child looks like, and how it can feel to be the parent.

Well, I was almost laughing as I read it. Ding! Ding! Ding!, my brain said to 99.9% of what I was reading, down to even the tiniest details in the examples. According to the author, 10-15% of kids are “spirited”, which she defines mainly as “MORE”. More intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic. DING!

I’m looking forward to reading the coming chapters – her suggestions on how to better understand my “spirited” kid. As his personality emerges more and more, I’m beginning to understand that he is, like all kids, truly unique. Taking the time to “learn” him is challenging. It would be easier to pull my hair out all day long sending him to his room or swatting his behind. But “default parenting” (my term for it) just doesn’t work on him (maybe on all kids, but definitely not on him). He is always one step ahead of ya. And its hard to even call it “misbehavior”, because I can always see more going on inside him than what meets the eye.

A tantrum is 9 times out of 10 about his frustration with not being listened to or respected. He is keenly aware of when he is being mocked or patronized by adults and has such difficulty leaving an activity for the next thing, even with clear statements of what is happening AND 10 and 5 minute “warning” AND setting the alarm to help him transition.

He sings loudly in the shower for upwards of 45 minutes (!), hardly seems to know how to whisper (I’m serious – like we try and try practicing it before heading to the library, but its like he really can’t, even in practice it rarely goes below a low voice!). He remembers things that he did when he was two years old and details about places we have seen or people he has met. He takes forever doing “simple” tasks because he will get so inundated with some new distraction that the task at hand will have long since been forgotten. He LOVES to debate, loves to talk, loves to laugh and shriek LOUDLY. He was a much more vigorous baby in utero than Verity was, and as a baby he NEVER took long naps (in fact, I once saw a chart about baby sleep patterns and his was categorized “the high need infant” lol).

But alongside all of these “challenges”, he can also be super chill, mature, funny, conversational, witty, and intuitive. He captures my heart and I “get” him the vast majority of the time.

But as you blog readers know from post after post about rearing Ethan – it is exausting. It demands an incredible amount of my presence and problem-solving and patience. As the following excerpts articulates, I usually feel 20 years older (in terms of fatigue) than I actually am – (Yes, I know all moms, even with totally chilled out kids, would say “Amen” to that!). Also, EVERY DAY I experience the feeling of predicting within an hour of being awake whether or not this will be a “good day” with him. I thought this was all parents, but maybe there is some special characteristics to this “spirited” child stuff that especially suits our situation more than I ever previously considered.

So, alas, some highlights from the book so far:

“It’s difficult to describe what it is like to be the parent of a spirited child. The answer keeps changing; it depends on the day, even the moment. How does one describe the experience of sliding from joy to exasperation in seconds, ten times a day. How does one explain the “sense” at eight in the morning that this will be a good day or a dreadful one?

The good one’s couldn’t be better. A warm snuggle and a sloppy kiss awaken you. He captures you with his funny antics… you can’t help laughing.

Profound statements roll from his mouth, much too mature and intellectual for a child of his age. He remembers experiences you’ve long since forgotten… On good days being the parent of a spirited child is astounding, dumbfounding, wonderful, funny, interesting, and interspersed with moments of brilliance.

The dreadful days are another story. On those days you’re not sure you can face another twenty-four hours with him. It’s hard to feel good as a parent when you can’t even get his socks on, when every word said to him is a reprimand, when the innocent act of serving tuna casserole instead of the expected tacos incites a riot, when you realize you’ve left more public places in a huff with your child in the last 5 years than most parents do in a lifetime.

You feel weary, drained, and much too old for this even if you were only in your twenties when your child was born. It’s hard to love a kid who keeps you up at night and embarresses you in shopping centers.

On the bad days being the parent of a spirited child is confusing, frustrating, taxing, challenging and guilt inducing.

…

You might have known since pregnancy that this child was different from other kids, normal but different. She might have kicked so hard that you couldn’t sleep from 6 months on.

…

The loud, dramatic spirited children are the easiest to spot. They don’t cry, they shriek. They’re noisy when they play, when they laugh, and even when they take a shower, singing at the top of their lungs while the hot-water tank empties…

They can skip into a room, smiling and laughing, only to depart thirty seconds later inflamed. Their tantrums are raw and enduring.

…Getting them to change their minds is a major undertaking. They love to debate and are not afraid to assert themselves…

They are easily overwhelmed in crowds by the barrage of sensations. Getting them through a shopping center, long religious service, or family gathering without losing them to a fit of tears is a major achievement.

…

They hate surprises and do not shift easily from one activity of idea to another. If they’re expecting hot dogs on the grill for supper, heaven forbid you come home and suggest going out to a restaurant. Even if it is their favorite restaurant, they’ll say, “No, I want hot dogs.”"

Just a quick note that Hubby’s got his site and business cards professionally printed and ready (with a *little* design help on my end – though with the time constraint I totally just tweaked a free template for that site, duh!) and is working on networking and getting some clients to begin working from home.

If you don’t need the help, then just pass it along to some one who does! His starting rate will be affordable, which is great if you’re a small business person who just needs a little help each month when things get overwhelming, but can’t afford to hire an employee! (Yeah, I’ve been in this business too long, lol.)

Check him out:

www.chrisortecho.com

Don’t forget- I am looking for a little extra work too! Find out more here! (site under construction and rapidly changing…)

Ethan got a bonafide bug jar last week and in it he has collected 4 spiders, a beetle, a rolly polly, and a butterfly. Until today. When my girly senses got the best of me and I let the butterfly out before the spiders ate it.

Ethan wailed when I did it. I didn’t know he would react that way! I tried to explain that I’ll gladly help him catch a fly but I REALLY like butterflies and I can’t sit by and let it get devoured.

Chris came home, and Ethan TOTALLY tattled on me.

“Dada, this is something TRULY sad: Mama let the butterfly out. And so now, the spiders will die.”

Hey- they die when we flush em down the toilet too! He’s totally fine when THAT happens! Sheesh.

Okay, so I’ve been listening to some great CD’s of lectures by Naomi Aldort. There’s so much to chew on that I won’t be able to write about my thoughts for awhile, but at least you know what I’ve been up to.

Also, I read this and the chapters that follow, and I’m all like AMEND AND AMEND. (Madea style )

The people of today have different ideas about babies, children, and mothers than the people of long ago. Today they believe that the main thing mothers should do is to train their children, starting when they are babies, to grow up right-even if that means hurting them sometimes. They also think that if mothers were always with their babies, sleeping with them and holding them all the time and never punishing or disciplining them, that, as they grew older, they would be spoiled and not be able to get along with people and not even know how to be alone. They would be used to always having their own way so they would not obey their teachers in school or other adults. They would also be used to always getting what they wanted so they would use up all their parents money by always buying toys and candy and anything that they saw and wanted. But more likely they would not even grow up because, for sure, they would run in front of a car and get killed because their mothers let them do whatever they want.

If they did live to grow up, they would turn out to be selfish, and they would never work or do anything worthwhile because they would expect everyone, including the government, to support and take care of them. They would even make us lose wars because, being spoiled, they would not be willing to fight for our freedom.

Some people think that if children were cared for by their mothers the way they were a long, long time ago, they would not want to grow up. They would remain attached to their mothers forever. Maybe they believe this because to them having such a mother would be so nice that they think no one in their right mind would ever be willing to give up such a good thing. What these people don’t seem to know is that having a mother like that, the way nature intended, is the only way you really can grow up. You see, if you have had a real mother, you don’t need one as you get older. You can go on to the next step of becoming a responsible, grown-up person like your mother, someone, who because they were cared for, finds it natural to be caring of others.

I think that people who believe that having a mother who is always there for you is a bad thing, never had such a mother. And I also believe that they don’t want anyone else to have such a mother because they didn’t. I also know that when people left the world of nature they lost something. A lot of people would agree with me on that one, but they would say that what we lost was paradise. But they’re wrong. What we lost was mother and our belief in natural human growth through mothering.

Woah.

At just nearly four months old (this weekend), Verity (whom I call my Ver Bear), had her check up today. Weighing 15 pounds, 11 ounces, she is certainly growing adequately. Her head is big too, a whopping 43 cm. What?!?! (That’s Chris’ genes there! Her head was 36 at birth – with an arm alongside it… my lady parts just amaze me.)

As always, things with her are grand. I know I’ve talked a lot about Ethan this last month, so I wanted to chime in a bit about her.

She is large and in charge. She is extremely vocal and alert, is a very aggressive and loud nurser. She sleeps from about 11pm (my bedtime) until about 4am and then nurses constantly until about 8am. This is her “fill time”. After that, she usually nurses about every 4 hours during the day, with a few cat naps and a few long naps. This is okay with me, since I am so busy during the day that having her nurse while I am just laying there half asleep is actually preferable to having to stop what I’m doing every 2 hours to nurse. She sleeps right next to me anc Chris in the family bed, so I can cuddle with her and keep her warm all night long – some of the sweetest moments IN THE WORLD.

She is definitely grabbing her toys and playing lately, she loves her Waldorf knot doll I made her the most. We’re calling her first doll “Sammy”. She has always had a very sturdy solid build, and has great head and back control. She stands constantly, its actually hard to get her to sit down. But lately she has begun to sit up for a few minutes at a time already, especially when Ethan is engaging her on the floor and she gets really focused.

She thinks Ethan is her very own private entertainer, and he thinks she is his very own audience – so that part works out quite nicely!

We’ve decided, for now: Ethan at this stage had my coloration and face shape, but Chris’ facial features, while Verity is exactly flipflopped: Chris’ coloration (darker hair, skin and eyes) and face shape (longer and oval- with his ears too!) but with all the facial features looking more like me (eye shape, eye lashes, eyebrows, nose, and lips). They are both “perfect blends” of us, but its just a beautiful new blend!

Until this season, I had never harvested anything that I seeded. Having only ever used starts, I guessed that if I seeded, I surely wouldn’t get one huge plant from every single tiny seed, would I? Naturally, I overcompensated figuring that I would lose many seeds to my faulty planting abilities. I remember the first warm week of the Spring — me: full term and counting — I put these little seeds in some egg cartons and said a little prayer that my contribution to our garden would be fruitful.

Well, the prayer worked, along with plenty of water and sunshine. I got 41 tomato plants in the veg garden right now, overgrowing and climbing all over themselves, getting heavy with swollen beautiful fruit. After this heat wave last week I thought, my oh my, this summer might just be hanging on long enough for me to get a harvest of tomatoes (despite that I planted them so late). And all this without an ounce of pesticide, fertilizer, insecticide, what have you.

I think it’s safe to say that it is now time for pickin! It was so much fun today to carefully navigate our “crop” for the fruits of our labor. Nothing screams late summer like the colors and shapes of heirloom tomatoes in a windowsill…

Also, check out the clusters of plums hanging ready to pick above the chicken coop:

Ethan: “The firetruck is stuck up in a tree. The cat is going to rescue him for a change.”

Me: “Really? That’s funny!”

Ethan: “Yep. It is, indeed.”

Wow, it sure feels like back to school time around here. Trips to get supplies, organizing, getting a routine… just when you think you are done with school, you have kids and THEY bring it all back!

And so, as many kids go “back to school” this time of year, Ethan commences on Pre-K – just at home. And in so many ways we will just continue doing what we’ve already been doing. In other ways, however, we’ll try new things that direct our focus a little more. I’ve already shared what classes we’ll be doing at Village Home this fall, but aside from that I have a few specifics I’d like to go over with him this year, which we’ve begun in the last few weeks. These include calendar/seasons/weather/time, numbers 1-100 and early math concepts, early reading and phonics, writing, basic daily responsibilities (thank you, Montessori ), and pre-k spanish. Interwoven through out these more specific studies are all kinds of things, including unit studies and lots of enjoyable books and activities and, MOST importantly, playtime!

I have layered his room with resources, organized his toys and books, purchased some supplemental workbooks and writing paper. I got a timer, a ruler, and other random school “supplies” we didn’t have before. Slowly, his room is becoming a schoolhouse. But I think its a fun one

P.S. My kid has an awesome sense of humor, can I just say? He cracks me up. Tonight, when asked to pick up and go to bed, he tells me, “WAIT! Listen. My bones are trying to make me play, but my brain is trying to make me sleep!”

I have a brain cramp. There is a whole world of stuff to read about and soak in. The rabbit hole just keeps getting deeper…

Recently, a friend of ours from church (who I think is close to being a genius?) talked to me briefly about the possibility of Ethan being “gifted”. There is SO much to learn, so many studies, that have to do with that word “gifted”. He introduced me to this site and I can’t stop reading article after article (mostly because I try to read everything I can get my hands on when it comes to my kids!).

Sure, I admit I always thought Ethan was bright, but considering the possibility that he is even moderately “gifted” and might need to be homeschooled based on a slightly different approach (advanced, accelerated, what not) is new to me. Some things I read about the very young strike me as resembling him, even down to the behavioral problems that might actually be his advanced way of problem solving and interacting. He’s always been a very perceptive kid, esp emotionally and socially, and I noticed early on that his musical and language abilities seem high for a boy his age. He also draws amazing parallels to seemingly unrelated material sometimes, with events that happened up to two years ago that were never once recalled by us, and displayed great concentration and understanding of things I assumed were too complex for him. But then I thought, ah well, every mom thinks that about her kid! lol

I don’t know. There is so much to learn and then I also, of course, must ask myself what value is there in defining him as gifted or not gifted? And most of all, I hate the thought that using that term implies that other kids aren’t gifted or that some how those that might be are being elitist and snobby and so on. I don’t think it makes one kid or person better than another, but perhaps recognizing it (or simply not denying it) does help in bringing each individual to their full potential. If it turns out that Ethan is not, based on testing, studies, and how he continues to progress, I won’t feel one ioda less about my amazing and beautiful child. But if it turns out, he does display such characteristics, might that help me parent and educate him based on a better understanding of his abilities? Perhaps so.

Anyhow. How all of this fits in with all I have learned thus far is the brain cramping part. I am really starting to like the Charlotte Mason curricula. With doing a little reading on it, I decided to value truly good children’s literature and get rid of some of the fluff in his collection. I began looking for books that were more complex, even chapter books. Just in the last 2 months I began reading books to him that had one page with a picture that correlated to about 500-700 words on the page, (as opposed to age appropriate books with about 3-5 sentences per page). To my amazement, he follows the story, stays intrigued, and never wants to stop unless he is passing out. Today Ethan was read to sleep by his grand aunt Lally a fairly short Dr. Suess book before bedtime, and I went in to tuck him in. He, very genuinely, looked over at the book we started yesterday “The Velveteen Rabbit” (which is surprisingly long, in my opinion! lol) and said, “I wish we could read from that book about toys and how they become real. I really like that book. I really like all of our books.” It was so cute!

With unschooling, I’m finding myself all confused. I love self-directed learning, I totally get the value of it. But what do you do with a kid who turned 4 not even a month ago and has been begging you to teach him to read for a year? It’s self-directed, but they need you, at least at this age, to make the resources of learning available sometimes. I had been so busy with the pregnancy and new baby that I put all of that on hold. About a month ago, I sat down and did a little phonics card game with him and was surprised that he knew the phonetic sound of every letter and matched up all the cards perfectly. Who taught him that?, I wondered. So we got out the Bob books again and he is really whizzing through it in just one week. Once he really gets down how to strand the phonics together to make the words, he’ll take off. Same thing with writing. At Posie’s yesterday he was writing on the chalkboard and I was chatting with the owner. He wrote his name on the chalk board and then asked me to teach him to spell some additional words because he wanted to write “Ethan’s Coffee Shop”, lol. It was an adorable request. But he is also very decent with his penmanship as he wrote out the phrase, and the owner remarked that it was impressive that he had only just turned 4.

Additionally, we picked up a little book on the coast last week to keep him occupied. It’s one of those that you go from dot to dot with numbers so in the end your dots make a picture. I’ve again been surprised at how quickly he picked up on the correlation between the numbers. When I didn’t give him any tools beyond what was age appropriate, he was barely counting to 20. I realized he seemed ready for more after seeing him navigate the dot to dot (1 through 50), so I put up a chart on his wall last week with numbers 1 – 100. We counted through them together twice, and counted through 1- 100 on his abacus once. A few days later, I heard him count to 100 on his abacus by himself almost seamlessly. Had I not followed his leading, I would never have discovered that he was incredibly bored with numbers 1-10!

I’m not not not bragging about Ethan. I know there are true genius babies out there and what I’m saying here about Ethan isn’t newsworthy… HOWEVER

If Ethan is to be a home learner, if even for just this year (because who knows and I only want to take it one year at a time and see how its going for both of us), then my attention to his general learning curve and ability to self-teach is as valuable as 1 on 1 time with his teacher (who’s attention is spread between 20-30 mixed ability, same aged children, yikes!).

So I have rambled, (hopefully without any hard feelings, because I can imagine that the topic of “giftedness” might feel slightly insulting which is not in the least bit in my intentions, I can assure you!). But, my brain cramp about Ethan, education, intelligence, learning, and curriculum is not even minutely better for it!

Good thing there is no rush

P.S. In case you’re interested, here’s a thing on Parenting your Gifted Preschooler.