I must confess something: The images from yesterday which showcase a happy 4 year old actively playing and getting a turn in the bus driver’s seat are not altogether accurate. I kinda sort skipped the part where he threw a full blown tantrum and refused to leave OMSI, me gently dragging him out the door with the shoe he refused to put on in my hand and his arm in the other (which is not at all how I like to handle things, but I couldn’t see a better solution at the time.)

The truth of the matter is, Mr. Ethan had a major meltdown when a 2 year old darling girl tried to join him with the ball/air pressure activity. He was so engrossed in this delightful display of air power, (not to mention ready for a nap after 4 hours of bus rides, a movie, and a playground), that he kinda “lost himself” and began pushing this little lady out of his way and yelling at her. Not too typical of Ethan. I asked him to step away with me so we could talk about this behavior, and he was just not having it. He ended up screaming at me and kicking out his feet at me, all in front of a playground room of maybe 50-100 adults plus their children. I told him, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how tired you must be for you to behave like this. You’ve let me know, now, and we are going to head home.” Oh boy. I barely get him out of the door of the playground room while he continues to scream and cry, refusing to put his shoes on. He gets one on before getting a third wind to his tantrum. We make it down the stairs, him screaming and crying still, with only one shoe on. Down the stairs, he reluctantly puts on the other shoe. Outside, we board the bus waiting to shuttle folks back to the convention center to catch the Max.

This is where things get a little more interesting. Getting myself a distance away from the public eye helps me clear my mind a bit and try to figure out a solution to what is going on with Ethan. I felt decent about the whole thing- I mean, it was in a place where tons of kids throw tantrums when its time to leave, and I can block out the staring eyes pretty well by my 4th year of motherhood anyway, lol. Plus, I didn’t feel like I was insanely angry about his behavior. I felt like it was HIS problem and I could only be there to support him and help him figure out the boundaries (not hurting other people or things) until it passed. This helped me keep my cool on the inside, rather than fuming and feeling helpless. Once on the bus, as I was trying to be compassionate and patient, the driver informed us that we have about TWENTY minutes before he can depart. And we were all alone on the bus with this driver while Ethan continued to wail “DON’T TALK TO MEEEEEEE! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING!!!!!!” so on and so forth.

I was trying to undo some of his “flooding”- as in, a person in that state can’t reason, so there’s no use talking yet about how we behave in public, or sharing on the playground, etc etc. His feelings in that moment are too strong to be able to creatively problem solve (something I learned from marriage counseling — ya like?! lol) So I’m just telling him that I understand how much he wants to continue playing, and I hope we can have a good time reading books when we get home, etc.

But all the while, the driver keeps interjecting with “Oh, you’re fine!” and “Oh, you just played too hard, didn’t you?” and “Don’t talk to her like that, that’s your mother!” and poor Ethan was getting more and more distraught. I was still a bit overwhelmed with all that was going on with him, but I tried to put myself in his shoes to figure out why he was getting even worse since we got on the bus. I realized that this stranger bus driver was not only preaching at him, he was also chuckling and laughing at him whenever he would scream. Now, I understand how funny it can be when a little kid throws a big fit for a very “little” reason, but in Ethan’s world, this was NOT a little reason. The driver, though well-intentioned, was adding insult to injury because Ethan was now feeling embarrassed. Every time he displayed how he was feeling and what he wanted, he was getting laughed at! When I realized what was happening, I was then MUCH more annoyed and angry with the driver than with my kid!

I tried to kinda passively get the guy to shush it, but he wasn’t getting the hint. So I moved Ethan and I to the very back of the bus, telling him that maybe he just needs more space right now. Luckily, another family boarded and with us in the back of the bus, he cooled down. Within 5 minutes he was apologizing to the driver for yelling at him, and then asking if he could sit in his seat!

Last night the group of 4 running mamas and 1 super preggo mama were commiserating about our childrens’ behaviors driving us up the wall when we are stuck in public. It is so much harder to allow them to be themselves, which includes the occasional age-appropriate melt-down, when you aren’t in private. The impulse to remove the child from the situation and punish them more harshly than you would at home is overwhelming! Not only are we embarrassed by the attention it is putting on us (or so we THINK, lol) but we also believe that its a representation of us- that our child’s behavior means XYZ about how good or bad we are as parents. Right?!

Sometimes I think I’ve built up a little more tolerance for public outbursts due to having no vehicle- since there really is NEVER a quick retreat to a private place where I can take off down the road, turn up the music, and let the kid wail til they pass out, lol. I envy those who get that, I really do. Not just that, but the car provides the private atmosphere and space the child needs when they have truly been pushed to their limit with running errands or playing a little too long and now they are tired, cranky, hungry, what have you. Imagining these meltdowns and then a 1.5 hour public transportation ride and maybe a mile or more of WALKING HOME puts some perspective on the 5 minutes you have to spend pulling them out of a store in the first place!

But this inconvenience of extended time getting back to a “home base” has also forced me (and Ethan) to find creative ways to deal with each other when we are just fed up. And its forced me to get a little bit more self-confident about how I need to parent him in public, about what behaviors I am and am NOT responsible for (which pretty much always includes MINE and not HIS.)

Being a mother of a tantrum child in public: it’s really, really, really hard to do. The difficulty shouldn’t be discounted for even a moment. But in the end, there are some tweaks we can make to our thoughts, feelings, and responses that make the whole inevitable experience go a little smoother and cause less damage to our relationship with our children.

In my reading so far of Unconditional Parenting (which has changed my WORLD, let me tell you), I came across a segment dedicated to this experience of children acting up in public. Here’s what he advices:

Rule number one: When your in public, ignore everyone around you. The more worried you are about how other people will judge your parenting skills, the greater chance you’ll respond with too much control and too little love and patience. This is not about what people think about you; it’s about what your child needs.
Rule number two: Imagine how this looks from her point of view. Someone having a tantrum is very likely afraid of her own rage, terrified of being out of control. Consequently, you do her no favors by ignoring her or by responding harshly. Use only the minimum control necessary to make sure the people aren’t in danger. Focus on providing comfort and calm reassurance. Let the tantrum play itself out. Later, you can try to address the underlying causes together.

Like I always say: Parenting – what a rush!