Barely Above the Current
There are moments like these, interruptions into my normal level of surviving, functioning and even optimism, in which I feel the stone in my gut and the acid in my chest again. It might be briefly- the back of my eyes burn as water floods and blurs my vision for just a moment until I take a breath and regain control.
The moments happen whenever I tap into something deeper than daily life: during worship at church; a talk with a friend that goes beyond the initial jokes and into the layers; a movie with a related character experiencing grief; the hours I labored with Verity; the rare moments of intimacy in my marriage…
I want to do what I’ve always done so well, you see? I want to be somewhere, up above the pain, fluttering above the current. I don’t want to feel it all – I don’t want to relive anything or allow myself to “go there”. I don’t want to consider the possibility of this happening again, the unpredictable nature of this relationship’s longevity, the ideals and morals and fabrics and dreams – all just flimsy constructs in the face of the animal that consumed my marriage and regurgitated a broken, fragile, almost-hopeless couple who once wanted to be husband and wife – standing in a stupid purple expensive church nearly 7 years ago; now they simply want the chance to be with each other, against all odds. But I ask myself every day is that is enough. Are some things broken beyond repair? I’m not sure. It’s what I’m waiting to find out, I guess. And repair isn’t what I’m after, really. I don’t want to be a “refurbished model” of marriage. I want to be made completely whole again.
Not long ago, we talked about suffering in church. A quote was shared that struck me, and continues to strike me at the core, and I sit with it:
“I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world’s finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, of the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, of all the blood that they’ve shed; and it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify what has happened.” – Dostoevsky, Brothers Karamazov
If you know what it is I’m talking about in this post, the lingering effects and fiery after sparks of the climaxing event in my marriage last summer, you might be able to understand what I mean when I speak of finding some hope in that quote, as well as some turmoil. I’m beginning to see how I could forgive, but justify? Do I even want the “humiliating absurdity of [Chris'] contradiction” to be justified?
I might flutter above the current on a daily basis, but sometimes I’m pushed back down, or willfully I dip back down, or the current comes right up and grabs my legs and PULLS me down… and it is those instances that I refer to as the “moments” in the start of this post.
And I ask God every day in one way or another: “Help me to believe that You can restore me.”
11 comments
Just want to send a hug, and shared hope in complete healing from the suffering of this life.
Thank you for sharing that.
Your a very strong woman Vivian. I often think when reading your page here if I could do things the same way or handle it like you have. I know I don’t know everything that went on but you really are a very good person. Never would have thougth that Vivian from my music appreciation class would have been married to my jerky (sorry Chris) good friend Chris, lol. I thought you were too good for him, really. He really didn’t prove me wrong, lol. Sorry I don’t mean to joke that much but your doing a great job as a mother, wife, and probably everything else you do. Wish I could come visit you guys and meet Verity and you could meet my edition. Your wedding was beautiful. I was in Naples Monday and found the favor you gave out at your wedding, I still have mine!! Oh man I’m writing too much. Maybe I need my own blog, lol.
Thank you for your kind words, Addie. I know what you mean, but trust me- no one is “too good” for anyone. We are all a mess, some are just less … evolved? in their journey. I think Chris could have dealt with his past more before we dated, but that was my own naivete in thinking that “all things were made new” when he professed faith. Anyway… weeds in our lives that are simply “trimmed” will only resurface and grow out of control during periods that we don’t keep up with them… it is only when we dig them out completely, painfully, root and all, and continue to work at it with that level of commitment, that the yard begins to truly be healthy. If that makes any sense. It appears, from my front row vantage point, that this year has been about his weeds being uprooted and dealt with – but only time will tell, and I am certainly in no mind to defend his past nor vouch for his future. All I can say to you, who has been a close friend of his for some time, is that his daily behavior is a 180 from what it used to be, and he is showing me a real dedication to his recovery process and his family.
You are stronger and wiser than you give yourself credit for, lady!
Thanks for always being a “safe” friend for him
Vivian
Vivian-
You are wise beyond your years to say the least. You have this beatiful faith and almost a need to see beyond the face value of things. I see that this has come at a great expense and times may not always be welcome. Isn’t easier sometimes to just let things go? It’s so tiresome to “fight”, and claw and dig and work…..anyway, I’m not sure I’ve told you how much I appreciate our somewhat brief time as pretty close friendship even if some of the circumstances were ill minded of sorts. LOL does that make sense?? You are such a strong woman, and I truly aspire to have one iota of grace that you display!
-Ryann
Ryann-
YOU GOOF! lol
“brief time as somewhat close friends”?! Why, I’m hurt! I know what you mean but SERIOUSLY- I do consider you a close friend and I wish we…er…I would keep in better contact!
…Ill-minded? I have no idea to what you are speaking of… Black Velvet? Farting contests? nooooo idea.
You have more grace than you know.
Give Tyson and Mason a big ol’ hug from us. Wish you guys lived here…
Viv
May God bless you for your struggles, your faith and your tenacity.
Life is brutally painful, but through the pain there is joy. Keep your chin up, roomie. God will never let the water get so high that you will drown. (was that totally cliche?!)
Thanks, Vivian. You are very right about everything. I know Chris is different, at least he certainly seems so. Everyone has a past. Your welcome about the “safe” friend thing, lol. I have known him since I was 12, going on our 14th year of knowing each other. I have seen a lot and seen him changing for the better. Keep up the good work, lol! I know he loves you guys sooo much and fully regrets his choices.
Thank you for your vulnerability & courage, Vivian. I am grateful for your gift of communication. I’ll keep praying for your continued healing. Love you!!!
VIV!
your words “refurbished marriage” painted a neat word picture for me. Obviously im not married but that idea of being refurbished… I think thats what every relationship needs to be. Refurbished isnt “used up and put back together so it works” although, somedays i swear that would be more than enough! Refurbished as I see it/understand it is being taken apart, carefully examined piece by piece, repaired in detail, old parts made new, broken fixed, and after all has been layed out, seen and prepared its put back together to be whole and perfectly functioning. So, really- its better than new. Every part is known and in order. Just as it should be. Thats the process and it is glorious however muddy we may feel. And I think that just may be the “something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts”. God is in it. I know it, I know it I just know it. And he loves you and he loves me. And i love you. Keep fighting. victory is won!
Morgan, thank you for putting it that way – I will hold on to that…
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