Posts from — June 2009

Parenting has been slightly easier this week. Lil’ E and I don’t seem to have pushed eachother and ourselves to our limits so much, and there’s been a pretty good balance of outings for what we call “getting our wiggles out” with quiet moments to relax at home as well. My lingo for this is truly how we talk about it between us, as Ethan makes friends at the park and tells them, “Wait, why are you here? Because I am just here to get my wiggles out.” Matter of factly. Like its a real thing we need to “get out”. Love it. He also, just a minute ago no less, comes in to show me the book he is reading for his “quiet time” in his room before bedtime and then he says, “Well I’m going to go back to my room now for super relaxation with my eyes open, okay?”

Anyhow, I’m finding more humor and less control is a good basic method for me. In the meantime we continue to read Unconditional Parenting

HOWEVER, today Chris tried to take a picture of Ethan before he was finished saying something, and Ethan screamed at him right as the camera shot. The result was this CLASSIC Ethan-melt-down-face, along with a CLASSIC Vivian-”what’s-the-damn-problem?”-face:

Aren’t family outings GRAND???

Moving on.

Ethan has been speaking lately of what he will be when he grows up. Interesting, to say the least. I have two personal favorites, one practical career and another, well, more of a side job. By day, if you will, he plans to become a pediatrician because, according to his 4 year old self-assessment, he “loves school and babies”. In his downtime? Well, I’ll let him use his own words: “When there is danger in the house, or scary, or monsters, I will rescue them super fast — when I grow up and I’m the same age as Spiderman!”

Speaking of spiderman, he had fun playing dress up today. When he said he was going to wear the spiderman outfit forever all the time, even to sleep, I had to explain that EVEN Spidey takes his suit off and wears PJ’s to bed. That seemed to convince him.

Zoom in on the sleeping babe in the foreground

No matter what this kid does, he truly holds my heart!

Later, we were walking downtown/the Pearl and every pose he took was a spidey pose, so I joined him:

In other news, I have a bad allergy/cold reaction and have been blowing, sneezing, coughing since Friday morning. Verity has a bit of it too. It’s not too bad though, all things considered, and it should pass in the next few days. Chris’ parents are out this week, staying at a timeshare in the mountains, so we plan to be spending some quality time with family and they meet their granddaughter for the first time (and we get a babysitter for Ethan for awhile! )

Okay well I’m gonna get back to my knitting project! I’ll upload pics when it’s complete.

We were SO late getting this year’s planting in (and I won’t be too hard on us about that, seeing as how we had just moved in around planting time and had NO vegetable beds dug out, no money for compost, so on and so forth, not to mention that two of us were super pregnant and the other two adults worked full time!)

Alas, its one of those things we are all okay with letting go a bit, lol. Our neighboring Evergreen community house, who so far hasn’t decided on a name but they might settle on The White House, so for now, that’s what I’ll call them (previously the Davison’s home) were obliging young ladies to bring us over some of their lettuces the other night and we graciously paid them in chocolate chip cookies because we don’t have much to trade yet. Even the chickens have been pretty slow goin’ this year.

But I am happy to report that we do have SOME fruits of our labor to pick recently. Some strawberries that were already growing when we moved in are blessing us with a handful of small berries each day, plus a bootie load of herbs we planted back in March.

Well, here, I’ll just walk you through it:

SEE OUR CARROTS SPROUTING UP! CUTE, AREN’T THEY???

Here is a picture of our baby daughter Verity (6wks!) today with our midwife/naturopathic doctor that we LOVE:

“I think when Verity grows up she won’t like cookies… or onions either,” Ethan predicted last week.

It’s hard not to speculate about Verity’s future looks and personality, as pieces of her grow more mature each day. When Ethan was little, my motherly senses told me he’d be bright and energetic, but with a sensitive and emotional personality as well. He has turned out to be pretty much like that so far — super inquisitive, talkative, full of physical energy, social, loving, cuddly and helpful. The parts of him that tend to go… well… awry, if you will , I believe have to do with: A. his developmental stage and B. mine and Chris’ failures to be ideal parents.

Today Verity and I had our 6 week postnatal check up! It was so good to see my midwife again, who is also the family doctor in that I get my womanly visits from her and our kids see her as their naturopathic pediatrician as well, so this helps us feel like she is really a part of the family. All aspects of our check up went really well– everything is, again, “Perfect!” We also talked at length about how Ethan is doing and I got a lot of great advice (both from her and from readers of the blog over the last week – thank you so much for all the emails and words of encouragement and empathy!)

Also, at 6 weeks Verity has gained 3.5 pounds to be 11.5 pounds already! But all I ever hear is how petite she looks so I suppose she “carries it well”! Ethan was kinda like that too- 21 pounds by 6 months but I never really thought he looked all that chubby. (Well, maybe in the thighs, lol).

Well I need to get back to work but I’ll post more when I’ve got some brain!

I can hardly think about anything else lately. I’ve been wringing my hands about it for what is going on week’s. Ethan. He is almost 4. And I can’t describe to you the conflict of emotions this new phase has brought with it – for both of us.

Ethan is a talker. No duh, right? But, no, seriously. He runs on nonstop. NONstop. I am not exaggerating. (Just ask the housemates!) Sometimes it is overwhelming. Most of the time it is overwhelming. You wake up to it and you hear it until he goes to bed 12 hours later. 12 hours of nonstop talking. No naps. No preschool. No nannies. I repeat – 12 hours of nonstop talking. Mostly questions you don’t have time or words to answer, or stories that have no point or ending. I try to converse as much as I can but, really, who can do that for 12 hours a day? That’s like pulling a double-shift at work… every day of the week, every week of the year. What if you had a dog that barked for 12 hours straight every single day? A friend who wanted to be on the phone with you for 12 hours a day? Despite all the love and patience in the world, you would be trying to figure out how to handle the situation, right?

And it isn’t just that. He’s been downright insubordinate. Now, I can hear half of you automatically connecting his behavior to the birth of his sister. But I’ve gone over and over this and I really believe that has little to do with it. At least between he and I (I do think he’s been jealous watching dada go gaga over baby sister). He wakes up every day saying how she looks so cute, she is so gorgeous, what can he do to help me so he can be a great big brother, so on. He gets cuddle time in bed with us together in the morning, something he didn’t even have with me BEFORE she arrived. I am trying to make the sibling thing go smoothly, giving him his own time with me to play and laugh while she naps, so on.

It occurred to me last night that maybe I am overdoing it. Every counselor and teacher I have ever had seems to have told me the same thing at one time or another: you try TOO hard.

Is that it? Am I trying to make up for something I can’t provide? Why the fit in the cafe about the muffin? Yesterday, it happened again, only with EACH AND EVERY TURN. We went to get a snack at the cafe on the way downtown for a family day which included a MAJOR treat for him: go see “Up” at the movie theatre. At the cafe, he hears us tell the lady that he’s going to split a bagel with dad. He freaks out. He yells and screams and goes “boneless” because he doesn’t want to split the bagel. Outside, I try to get him calm by understanding his feelings, and then explain that the shop didn’t have much else left and that we would be getting popcorn at the movies anyway. After the emotions passed, he was perfectly happy to eat half of dad’s bagel.

After the movie, it happened again. We had to go to Powell’s, (trying to find a used copy of the book “Unconditional Parenting” – how timely). When we got there, he saw some backpacks and I told him that was on his birthday wish list and he has to wait until then. He began to scream at me that he wants it TODAY and not for his birthday and “THAT’S MY CHOICE!” Talk about embarrassing. I get him to put it back and calm down. We go to read some kids books in the area with the little tables and all. After the books I’ve read him, we are on our way out and he rushes over to something else and says how he WANTS it RIGHT NOW and it’s HIS TREAT and HIS CHOICE! What in the world? How did MY KID manage to act SOOOO spoiled? He thinks everything he wants, he will get, and WHEN he wants it. That every place we go, he can pick out something sweet to eat or a toy to buy. Every time we check the mail, he gets annoying and mad that there isn’t a package from grandma in there for him. This is something I have NO idea how to handle, because I was very limited in my childhood on material possessions and I truly loved the few dolls I did have because they were so special. I feel like going to his room and getting rid of like 80% of his toys and then putting a BAN on any gift giving to him for like a year! Ahh!

But then, in the books I’m reading, it continues to talk about addressing the FEELINGS, not the BEHAVIOR. What is he truly needing? What is he feeling? What can I address in him that has NOTHING to do with toys or being greedy/selfish/demanding/spoiled? And most importantly, how can I (and Chris) avoid the game of punishment/reward and learn to truly communicate with him? How can I stop making up for my feelings of inadequacy as a mother – treating him because I had to work so much today, treating him to a pastry because we are too broke to pay for the bigger bills we are facing, treating him to a movie with a large popcorn or the park every day or what have you because I want to make sure he knows he’s still my son that I love even though we now have a sister in the family?

It’s so hard. So so hard. The worst part of yesterday was when my kid, who has been compliantly riding the bus system like a PRO for 2 years, decided to hold on to the bar at our stop and I had to drag him off the crowded lightrail before the doors closed on us, while he was again going “boneless” and bumping into people and I nearly fell over WITH Verity attached to me. That was the point I asked Chris to hold him — I couldn’t hold his hand, talk to him, or look at him. He was screaming at us “Don’t talk to me” and “Don’t touch me” half of the way home on the next lightrail. I was looking out the window in humiliation with tears streaming down my cheeks. I was helpless; I was out of ideas; I was tired, hungry and exhausted. Chris and I just put a hand on eachother’s shoulders for support and took a deep breath. Tried to chuckle. Tried to let him have his fit, knowing we had no clue what else we could do. We must have looked like quite the family right then! When he did calm down, he said he was sorry for being in such a bad mood and tried to convince us it wasn’t a sugar crash so that he could have more “treats” when we stopped at the grocery store. Nope, sorry kid. You need to go on a withdrawal!

Sometimes I really wish I didn’t work. Or that Chris didn’t work. To have one parent devoted to the home and children, to figuring this stuff out all day without being pulled in the direction of deadlines or clocking in at a job, is priceless. But in our situation, its impossible. I hear a lot of moms ask me about my situation, how lucky I am to “get” to work from home. But I’ve always been honest – it’s a tremendous blessing, but if I had the choice, I would be home with my kids and TRULY present with them. Working from home is, as I’ve always said, the “best of both worlds” AND “the worst of both worlds”. The grass is not greener in my pasture. It’s just a different landscape.

I picked up and began reading a book just for me yesterday. It’s been bringing up all kinds of thoughts, and turmoil too. It’s called “Mothering Without a Map; The Search for the Good Mother Within” by Kathryn Black. It’s about how “wounded daughters” or the “undermothered” can move beyond the patterns set for them and become mothers they long to be, who can raise children with security, love, health and peace. This is one of the things I’ve been dealing with a bit in counseling since Verity’s conception, and since I haven’t had a session in 2 months now, I figured a little book reading might do me some good. When I was in college I took a class on creative writing, and at the end we had to write about what writing goals we had. One of mine was to write a book about my journey to and through motherhood called “Memoirs of a Motherless Mother”. But I cringe when I think about that now. First of all, its all been said/done before. Especially coming out of the age of memoirs! And secondly, I can’t completely call myself “motherless”. But is there a woman in this world who I feel a kinship to — enough that the brush of their soft, strong arm skin when they hug me doesn’t feel as unfamiliar as an alien? No. Not one. They are all archetypes to me, even the ones with which I am the most intimate. They are not, in the end, my own.

As much as I fall short, and will fall short again, with my own child, its a consoling fact that at least they will have THAT. If I stay present in their lives, at least they will be able to hug me or feel my kisses with familiarity instead of discomfort, the way I feel when hugged by my father (the one who raised me). Like a part of them is “home” with me, despite the imperfections of our history together.

Oh, I’ve rambled long enough. But be warned, there could be more posts in the coming days and weeks from a person doing a bit of mother soul-searching

Oh yes. We did.

Ethan’s growin’ a mohawk! (The following pics don’t show it totally styled, but whatever, you get the idea!) I saw my friend’s son wearin a similar style and I thought, hmmm, maybe that would work on Ethan’s mop without needing constant maintenance? The jury is out on maintenance, but so far it looks pretty cool, right?

P.S. Verity has been smiling and talking! She still looks so petite but she has outgrown her newborn clothes and diapers so I am anxious to see her size at next week’s appointment. Her eye color is exactly what Ethan’s was at this age- a deep, smokey blue. I have no doubt this will turn to light hazel/green eyes like his, I’m sure. She’s also getting a bit of a tan, (and speaking of skin color, she has a different undertone than Ethan (olive), as she has been very red since birth, not olivey. Anyhoo.) She is losing a bit of hair around her ears, so she just might get a Mohawk for a while too! LOL
These are definitely sweet times.

Our kid remembers everything. 90% of every thing he says begins with “Like when…” or “Remember when…” – and you know we never do remember what he is talking about because its like ages ago or some teeny detail of the event.

Lately he’s been waking up to recount to us the details of his nightmare the night before. Usually his friend Ben from church is in it and the two of them are hiding from bad guys or bugs or something. Two night ago it was all about them playing in his room and they saw a spider by the door and Ben asked “Is that a spider?” and then they heard it say, “Who said that?” followed by an evil little laugh. When Ethan went to touch the thing by the door who is talking back to them and laughing, it turned into an EVIL HAMSTER. Ethan described the short fur for like 5 minutes before concluding that the hamster turned out to be friendly eventually. And this ten minute story has been shared with almost every friend and stranger he has seen in the last two days.

Oh, but his memory and imagination makes for such great entertainment — even though his story telling lacks articulation and PERIODS so its a bit like listening to the run on sentences of a 4 year old Ben Stein. While he goes on, I tell myself, “Wait for it… wait for it…” and, in the event that I do, I usually enjoy myself with a little chuckle at his expense. It’s just darn funny.

Today we are sitting outside and he draws me a quick little doodle. Here is the picture and the dialogue that follows:

Ethan: Look mama!

Me: Cool, baby. What is it?

Ethan: It’s just a picture of what dada’s hand looked like when he had to reach into the toilet with my pee in it to get the tooth floss that fell in.

Classic!

Summertime arrived recently and brought the sun and roses with it.

After several days (weeks?) spent sandwiching work around trips out with the rambunctious-almost-4-year-old to the park and so on, I discovered that I pick up a great wireless signal from our very own backyard! I’ve pretty much lived out there since, trying to get work done while the chirrun’ do wat dey do (that’s Vivian language for, “children do what they do”… which I decided needed clarification.)

And what do the “chirrun’” do? Well, let’s see… Ethan gets wet and dirty. He collects eggs, waters plants, plays with the hose, takes off his shoes (and gets scolded and chased around for this as he doesn’t get how GROSS IT IS TO STEP IN CHICKEN CRAP!), begs for food throughout the day, lays on the blanket to look at books or color or pretend he might go to sleep for about 5 seconds before he is ON THE GO again. Verity nurses, poops, farts, burps, looks around for awhile, and then naps with her butt in the air on the blanket. This is a great deal better than when I work in my room. When I work in my room, she normally does all of the above, only she adds SCREAMING to the mix. She is definitely an outdoorsy gal.

We’ve had several BBQ’d meals out on the lawn with the roomies, trying to stay outdoors where there is a breeze (houses here don’t have AC like they do in Florida!) until the sun is practically down (which is lately passed 9pm). Our TV went bazurko on us last week (much to my gratitude, it waited until the Lost season was over!) and looks like a bunch of crazy tripped out streaks across the screen (what is with us and faulty electronics lately?). This is one more reason NOT to stay indoors.

Okay, well, I don’t have much insightful to say because my brain has been lost somewhere on the road between Child Rearing Land and Work at Home Land — but, as predictable as it is, here are some pics!
(again, this slideshow may not be viewable from feeds, so come here to see it!)

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