Gratitude List

So it has been a while since I have posted anything on this site. While sitting here at work on my lunch break and most likely after, I have some time on my hands. This life has given me plenty of..too many actually..times to choose the wrong choice. So I sit here now thinking about how to make the best decisions with this second chance at life, with my family, since having chosen a different path exactly one year ago.

Things have been looking up for me and oddly enough I have been pretty blessed. I have been considering going back to school and it just so happens that I will finally be getting my diploma and transcripts from the university I graduated from in 2007! Woohoo! All I need to do is figure out what to go back to school for. I have been thinking about Sociology..maybe a masters in that. Strangely enough I am excited at the possibility of learning in school instead of just getting it over with. I am very interested in seeing how I view education now that I am seeing things with a new set of eyes. Anyway, that is something that I have to decide with Vivian. Unfortunately, getting your post graduate degree is expensive. I am still paying for my undergraduate degree.

So back to my gratitude list:

1. God has been there for me even when I did not want Him. I have fought with Him for years. Self was my god. When I went back to Him, I felt unworthy to say His name. I could not gather the courage to be someone that could ask Him for help. But after my life came to a crossroads..I was left with no choice. He was all I had. And of course, He was what I needed. So I am here only because of Him.

2. Vivian is amazing. When I think of strength, courage, patience, joy, love, and especially grace, my wife is that. My wife has the ability to, taking it day by day of course, let me show her love. She shows me love back more than I deserve. I don’t know how she is able to show it as much especially with Verity and Ethan who are needing some as well. So that to say, Vivian is my love.

3. Ethan and Verity..what can I say. I am grateful that they are in my life, but sometimes I don’t know if they will feel the same of me. Ethan unfortunately had the father who was selfish for most of his life. I am trying to be the father he needs now. Let me tell you, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Thank God for books that help with being a better parent. I swear when I read these books, and they give an example about the parent who withholds love, who loves conditionally, they might as well have used my name. Besides, I would have loved a percentage from the copies sold. I am gaga over Verity. I am hoping she can get a head start with a father who is trying to change into a better man unlike Ethan did. Those are just some things I think about all the time.

4.Family is important to me. When I say family, I mean of course parents, aunts, etc.., but I also mean housemates, friends, church, and other support groups. All of these are gifts from God that have brought me to where I am now. Every interaction has helped me get to where I am now. I used to think of family as “blood” relatives. I have grown enough to love everyone as if they are my brothers or sisters. This goes for anyone I have had any resentment towards and vice versa. I am learning to love!

5. Portland is something that I am grateful for as well. I can’t say how blessed I am to have moved here. Being in this city of imperfection is encouraging. Our community house is great! I think of when it was just our family in an apartment and realize that it was lonely. It is much better with another family. Portland is where we found our current church. This city has the best food too which always hits home for me. But you know..the city has tons of needs as well. Especially the people that are homeless. Whenever I get the chance, I like volunteering at the Portland Rescue Mission. For me it is very personal when I get a chance to be selfless like this. I see people that have been through things that make me realize that I am never too far from being there. Most people there are results of addictions taking over their lives. I can see myself and my future if I stayed on the wrong path when I look into their eyes. So that said, this imperfect city is home.

Well, it might be another month before I can reflect and have something to write about. The future is uncertain. There are alot more things I am grateful for but I will save them for later. Mostly I hold on to the first since without it, nothing else can follow. It is nice being able to share on this. I guess I am grateful for that as well!

6. Mamaneedjava.com for a place to share my thoughts.