Putting it all down…

It’s been a restless day or so, as my mind hasn’t been shutting down to truly get some sleep. Verity has been sleeping well, 4-5 hours stretches, but I can’t seem to sleep during them. I just lay there, in pain, lol.

Oh, I should add that I have Ethan’s cold/flu now, so half way through the night I just began to notice all of the achiness of notorious Day 2, plus a sinus infection and chills. I have mostly rested all day today, but never actually fell asleep. My brain keeps going over and over the labor, recounting the details to myself. It’s so strange! So I realized this evening that maybe I’m trying not to forget, as though if I sleep my mind will grow holes and all the memories will simply fall through.

So here I am, putting it all down, in hopes that I’ll be free of it (…curse the inner novelist in me!):

I hadn’t been asleep long, maybe a few hours. I felt the braxton hicks coming on as they normally did, around midnight. I tried to sleep through them, get up to pee, etc. By 1am, I started thinking it was “time”, but I wanted to let Chris sleep as long as I could. By 2:30, I woke him that they were coming less than 5 minutes apart and that it was getting harder to talk through them. We waited awhile, sense we had so many false labors this time around we wanted to be sure. I don’t remember when we called the midwives, I think it was around 4 because she said she would take her time but be there in about an hour. An hour later, they arrived while I was in the shower. I was already starting to breathe through the rushes, some of them I moaned a bit if they were more intense. I was checked for dilation and confirmed in labor at 5cm. (I’m SO glad I didn’t call before 5cm!). The early morning went by fast. I went from the bedroom to the shower often, holding on to Chris’ arm or a pillow to breathe through and focus elsewhere until the contractions were over.

The rushes were very different from Ethan’s labor. There was definitely more rest time in between, and the “peaks” were not as high and sharp. I didn’t feel like I was being thrown from a cliff every time one came on. I felt, more than anything, sharp pain in my lower right back, a pain that has been almost constant for the past few months.

I got a little hot and had to get down to my sports bra, and the rushes were really requiring my attention, by around 8:30am (about 3 hours later after the midwives arrived). That’s when things got interesting.

I was resting my head on Chris’ shoulder at the foot of our bed between contractions. The midwife assistant was checking the babies heartbeat (BLESS homebirth for having NO straps and contraptions!!!). Suddenly, a feeling of glee and giddiness came over me, and I began to laugh. Then every one else started to laugh and I couldn’t stop! Towards the end of the laughing fit, I felt something inside me get “tapped into”. I had one more contraction and then I began to weep! Just sob, like “eh-HEH-eh-HEH” as tears streamed down my face and I could barely open my eyes. I didn’t know if I could cry through another rush and just prayed it wouldn’t come soon so I could finish whatever I was crying about. My midwives, upon seeing me start to breathe funny and lips quiver, encouraged me, “Let it all out, Vivian – it ALL has to come OUT!” and that’s when I just lost it. Towards the end of this weeping, I was able to look over at Chris and make eye contact. His eyes were also pouring over and I sobbed out that I loved him, and he did the same. Then the weeping subsided, and with it came this intense feeling of release and surrender. I got really warm all over and felt the baby move downward inside me as I relaxed.

Suspecting that I had just gone through some good progress, the midwife checked me a second time just after 9. I was 8cm! However, there was a lip of cervix in the front and she told me I could no longer be on hands and knees so that the lip would go away. I was a little discouraged because I knew Verity wasn’t turning yet, her heartbeat was still way over by my right hip. Being on hands and knees was all I knew to get her to turn, and now I couldn’t do it. The next 6-7 hours were a whole different animal.

Encouraged to change positions every 3 contractions, I mustered up all I could to labor on my side on the bed, moaning into pillows to keep my throat open so my insides would follow suit. I wasn’t that vocal with Ethan’s labor, but this one coaxed it out of me because my back pain was so intense. During Ethan’s labor, the peaks of contractions were aweful, and when I got to 8cm I had a tremendous urge to bare down but was told I couldn’t yet. So the only part that was truly bodily painful about his birth was trying to make it through to 10cm without pushing, which wasn’t a huge amount of time, thank goodness. This birth, however, had gentler contractions but much more physical pain. I begged to be vigorously rubbed on my lower back during contractions, it was the only thing that held me over to the next one.

I know at some point I really began to have doubts. I hadn’t thought about not being able to turn Verity during labor, and I began to wonder how long I could be in transition, both from my own exhaustion and from the standpoint of whether or not the baby inside could handle it too. My midwife got more tough with me at this point. I would say something hurts, and she would ask me what hurts. She would suggest to get up and walk, or lay down, or take a shower, and I replied, hesitantly, that I was scared to do XYZ. She said, matter of factly, “Well, you are going to HAVE to go to the places your scared to GO.” Ugh.

Whenever I got ansy, I asked what time it was. Finally, she replied – “We are happy to tell you what time it is, but it will not make this labor go the way you envision and it will not make things better or worse. You need to stay IN THE MOMENT.” She told me several times that I need to get out of my head. She said the more I think about this labor, the more it won’t go anywhere. (There’s that darn mental thing again, just like acupuncture!) It was so frustrating to hear these words, because then all I could do was THINK about NOT THINKING. Damn it. Seriously.

Whenever I brought up Ethan’s birth (again, and again, and again) she finally said, “Look at me, look at me. This is NOT Ethan’s birth. This is a new birth, this is Verity’s birth. She will not do what Ethan did, this is all new.“. I cried again.

Towards the end, (which of course I didn’t know it was the end and had no idea what time it was anymore!), she told me that if I say I’m not sure if I can do this much longer, she is happy to take me to the hospital. “We can go to the hospital, but they aren’t going to be able to move Verity either. So it’s up to you – there is still NO reason you can’t have this baby at home.”

I truly entered the rock and the hard place.

I began to feel a slight urge to bear down at some point. I wasn’t sure if it was a bowel movement because it wasn’t very strong. But it made the very end of the contractions really painful in my back. My knees gave out from under me and I held on to Chris while we stood in the middle of my room. I literally hung from his neck and arms and yelled into his t-shirt. (One of those times where I’m really glad my husband is tall and strong!)

My midwife again had a heart to heart with me. She said, “I know you once asked that we stay with you during labor. I just want to make sure you still want that, because I feel that if you and Chris get alone you will do better.” I couldn’t remember at the time, but I did ask her that. I asked her because of all the doubts I had about my relationship with Chris, and I was very afraid of having to rely on him so heavily at such a vulnerable moment in my life. But my ever-knowing, all-wise midwife again knew better. I didn’t go to the bathroom again willingly, but my urge to bear down made me think I had to poop, so I went in with Chris alone. He told me to get in the shower. I felt a little angry at everyone for not letting me stay in one place. I don’t like change. I like control!

When the water came on, just what I was afraid of happened. My contractions came one on top of the other, and I could do nothing but yell through them and cling to Chris as he was practically pulled into the shower with me, fully clothed, lol.

Finally, finally, I felt and heard a big POP. I didn’t know what it was but it shocked me and Chris said, “Op! The water broke!” and I looked down to visually confirm it. He wanted to go tell the midwives but I knew I needed him for the next rush which was seconds away. I told him he was allowed to yell for them, but please don’t leave me. During the next rush, I had to just sit in the corner of the shower and push my legs out because I was bearing down hard through the whole thing. I was scared, because I wasn’t sure if I should be pushing. In a hospital labor, pushing was up to THEM. Alone in my shower, I didn’t know if I should trust myself. What if I’m ripping my cervix right out of me?! I reached down and thought to myself, “Yep! I’m ripping my cervix out of me! I’m pushing too soon!”

At last the midwives came in and bent down and said, “That’s the HEAD!” I could hardly believe it but I didn’t have time or thought to think about it because this baby was COMING. I was thinking, even in this moment, that I didn’t want to tear, and that we had no Vit E oil handy like in Ethan’s birth and if she is posterior I might tear this time and wait a minute I’m in water so that’s not good for tearing and on and on. I couldn’t tell anyone but I just reached down in desperation and put counter pressure on my own skin because I knew she was about to pop her head out. I was yelling loudly. I felt her turn while she was crowning, and at last her head emerged.

I heard some one say, “OH, that’s why you stalled – her hand is up by her head!” I didn’t really hear it, just kept pushing. Before I knew it she was on my belly, and I was in shock. I had come into that shower maybe 10 minutes earlier. I couldn’t believe she came out!

I saw Misty and Lacey (who had been watching Ethan and cooking all day from the floor above us!) enter, crying, to peak at us in the shower. The rest got blurry- I felt the separation flow and filled the shower with blood. A second later, a contraction came on and I effortless let the placenta go. Phew! DONE! (I heard some one say, “Well, hey! She’s efficient!”

Her cord was cut, and some how I was lifted to briefly shower off and lay down in bed. I was checked out and found with only surface tears, no stitches needed. The baby was weighed, people cried. I was really grateful every one else was there to hold her because I was exhausted. My midwife just kept telling me how proud she was of me, and I kept saying thank you, thank you. I felt so supported, even during the worst moments of the labor I reminded myself that there were people praying for us, and that we will be okay no matter what.

There were so many things that happened during this experience, from Verity’s conception during a time of hardship in my marriage, to the internal searching I’ve done in counseling every week since, to her going overdue and testing my faith, control issues, so on… then her entrance, where once again I had to face the demons I did not want to see. If nothing else, I feel like laboring at home with this team was something that brought me to a whole new level of awareness and a great little list of things I need to ask God for help with in myself

Lacey, my housemate, cooked all day and prayed for us. I have been fed the most nourishing foods and drinks, I dare say I am the most well-fed postpartum chica on the planet right now! And Misty, bless her, was here to mother to Ethan while he was sick all day and make sure he was not scared or confused. He’s been completely awesome about the birth and totally not shocked about what has happened. He asks me how I’m doing, how’s Verity doing, may he kiss her head, etc. He’s such an angel, even with goop in his eyes, a cough, a fever, so on.

I can’t say enough about how wonderful EVERY ONE was. I would have never made it on my own, but the perfect storm of loving (sometimes firm!) folks were here supporting me. Especially my husband, who I love so deeply, despite every where we have been.

Okay, forgive any typos, cause I have to try sleeping now, after nearly 2,500 words to recount my restless thoughts!

Wish me luck!!!