Here I am thinking about what a wonderful sunny time I will have sitting in the front yard with friends knitting this afternoon:

Here I was at the end of the day, after realizing that my burning and itching wasn’t coming from invisible bugs but from my white a** catchin wayyyyyy too many rays!

Here’s Chris’ new road bike he got from the used show today! Mucho mejor for his (we just realized) SIXTEEN MILE commute to and from work each day… he’s totally my hero.

Here’s the diapers I am sewing to go under my wool covers I’ve been knitting (thanks for the free sewing machine, pattern and demo, Tina!!!… she’s another one of my heros.):

Here’s the shed being built by some great carpenter we live with (ahem-seth-ahem… yet another hero.):

Here’s the crowd that gathered today to help with the shed, hang out, eat hamburgers fresh off the grill, and otherwise have a good time:

This is an example of Seth/Lacey’s homemade gourmet pizza we enjoy weekly

Good times…

Whew, week 38! Seems like yesterday was Verity’s celebration and I was SO over being pregnant, but then in the blink of an eye a week has gone by and I am doing great!

She’s having a growth spurt, this little one. Checking out the 4 pounds I gained in one week, the new stretch mark on my belly, and the constant ravenous hunger I’m having, I can safely assume she’s putting on a pound or so of baby fat to tarter her up for Portland’s “Spring” which in my humble Florida-native opinion is way too cold.

Speaking of weather, though, we’re actually having some pretty glorious skies right now. Yesterday I connected with my roots a bit: I walked around barefoot in our yard to cut some pretty dandelions for our vase. There is nothing better than feeling earth, sand, or grass on your feet and the warmth of the sun on your neck. Amazing that I have done without it now for about 5 months! Gosh.

Today the windows are open, beckoning the sunny 65 degree air and the dinging of the bamboo wind chime indoors. Hubby is out looking at some bikes at a used bike sale today, his birthday gift being a used road bike (his is a hybrid) so he can more easily commute to work. When he gets back, we trade off the tot and I get to go swimming with Misty at the community center. My back is feeling better at the very thought of it

Well, okay, I’m wasting time blogging about it rather than being out in it, so I’m going to grab a blanket to lay in the yard a bit and check you guys later.

Quotes from Soren Kierkegaard:

“Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth -look at the dying man’s struggle at his last extremity, and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus could be intended for enjoyment.”

“Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle”

“The self-assured believer is a greater sinner in the eyes of God than the troubled disbeliever”

“In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant. My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known — no wonder, then, that I return the love.”

“Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when every one has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;… In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.”

“Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are.”

“People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.”

“It is so hard to believe because it is so hard to obey.”

“Love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself.”

“I begin with the principle that all men are bores. Surely no one will prove himself so great a bore as to contradict me in this.”

“Adversity draws men together and produces beauty and harmony in life’s relationships, just as the cold of winter produces ice-flowers on the window-panes, which vanish with the warmth.”

“There is peace and rest and comfort in sorrow”

“I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations – one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it – you will regret both.”

“A great man is one that can develop convictions in solitude and carry them out in a crowd.”

Up again with too little sleep, unable to quiet down my mind early enough and unable to lay in bed with sore hips and famished (feeling) tummy any longer than 1:30am – 6:30am. Luckily, I did take a short nap yesterday, and hope to do the same today.

I had a counseling session yesterday, followed by a midwife appointment. It was a lot to process and digest, some of which could take me a while, particularly the counseling stuff. I can say I am definitely grateful to the two women, for being a sounding board for my fears. It was necessary to peel back another layer of the “funk” I’ve been talking about. I found myself in the last few weeks going from totally calm, barely thinking about the upcoming birth, to worrying about what position the baby was in and whether or not I could even DO this without the support system I had of two amazing doula’s last time (in the form of my dad and step-mom, lol). Am I ready? Is Chris ready? Is our marriage ready? Is Ethan ready? With the worry, all I wanted to do was have it behind me so I wouldn’t have to prolong the time I spent thinking about it. I was allowing myself to sink into that miserly end-of-pregnancy thing, the season which my midwife theorizes is necessary because it’s the only thing uncomfortable enough for you to actually WANT labor to commence!

I’ve recently come to the hypothesis, based primarily on a hormonal cycle I have noticed the entire pregnancy, that my next “shift” or “surge” of hormones is due (no pun intended ) right around my due date (2.5 weeks – ish). Believing this, I was able to let go of some of the anxiety over being “early” and buck it up mentally for the next few weeks. This helped make room for me to see that each day I am given before Verity arrives is a gift to me, allowing me more insights, endurance, and preparation. Once I began to embrace that, I also realized (and was reminded again by the women I met with yesterday) that at this point, distraction is likely my best medicine. I have a few short weeks left, and there is much I could plan to do, like go for a swim with a friend, write my thank you cards for all the generous people who have helped me pay for the birth so far, knit Ethan’s easter bunny, celebrate Chris’ birthday the next day, get some work hours in, … do my laundry…

Yeah, these last weeks are exhausting ones. Weariness and fatigue are increasingly at your door, (and never more so than in subsequent births- when you have the older sibling(s) to tend to now!) But one of the quotes I’ve had bustling in my head lately is ol’ Charles Swindoll’s (boy, does that name bring ya back?!):

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.

While this little post is only the tip of the iceberg with regards to the things I am going through lately, it is really the most, and perhaps only, coherent topic I can share for now.

In conclusion, no more waiting game (spoken primarily to self). Don’t ask me when I think the baby will come or tell me what your best guess is or otherwise in any way ask me about the progress of my cervix (spoken primarily to every one else). When you get an email with a picture of me and a baby in it, you’ll know, lol. (No, seriously. We will not be making any phone calls until I’ve showered, eaten and taken a nap AFTER the birth. So might as well just hang tight, mkay?)

Phew, okay now I need to finish my tea and maybe even go back to sleep… we’ll see