It’s been a restless day or so, as my mind hasn’t been shutting down to truly get some sleep. Verity has been sleeping well, 4-5 hours stretches, but I can’t seem to sleep during them. I just lay there, in pain, lol.

Oh, I should add that I have Ethan’s cold/flu now, so half way through the night I just began to notice all of the achiness of notorious Day 2, plus a sinus infection and chills. I have mostly rested all day today, but never actually fell asleep. My brain keeps going over and over the labor, recounting the details to myself. It’s so strange! So I realized this evening that maybe I’m trying not to forget, as though if I sleep my mind will grow holes and all the memories will simply fall through.

So here I am, putting it all down, in hopes that I’ll be free of it (…curse the inner novelist in me!):

I hadn’t been asleep long, maybe a few hours. I felt the braxton hicks coming on as they normally did, around midnight. I tried to sleep through them, get up to pee, etc. By 1am, I started thinking it was “time”, but I wanted to let Chris sleep as long as I could. By 2:30, I woke him that they were coming less than 5 minutes apart and that it was getting harder to talk through them. We waited awhile, sense we had so many false labors this time around we wanted to be sure. I don’t remember when we called the midwives, I think it was around 4 because she said she would take her time but be there in about an hour. An hour later, they arrived while I was in the shower. I was already starting to breathe through the rushes, some of them I moaned a bit if they were more intense. I was checked for dilation and confirmed in labor at 5cm. (I’m SO glad I didn’t call before 5cm!). The early morning went by fast. I went from the bedroom to the shower often, holding on to Chris’ arm or a pillow to breathe through and focus elsewhere until the contractions were over.

The rushes were very different from Ethan’s labor. There was definitely more rest time in between, and the “peaks” were not as high and sharp. I didn’t feel like I was being thrown from a cliff every time one came on. I felt, more than anything, sharp pain in my lower right back, a pain that has been almost constant for the past few months.

I got a little hot and had to get down to my sports bra, and the rushes were really requiring my attention, by around 8:30am (about 3 hours later after the midwives arrived). That’s when things got interesting.

I was resting my head on Chris’ shoulder at the foot of our bed between contractions. The midwife assistant was checking the babies heartbeat (BLESS homebirth for having NO straps and contraptions!!!). Suddenly, a feeling of glee and giddiness came over me, and I began to laugh. Then every one else started to laugh and I couldn’t stop! Towards the end of the laughing fit, I felt something inside me get “tapped into”. I had one more contraction and then I began to weep! Just sob, like “eh-HEH-eh-HEH” as tears streamed down my face and I could barely open my eyes. I didn’t know if I could cry through another rush and just prayed it wouldn’t come soon so I could finish whatever I was crying about. My midwives, upon seeing me start to breathe funny and lips quiver, encouraged me, “Let it all out, Vivian – it ALL has to come OUT!” and that’s when I just lost it. Towards the end of this weeping, I was able to look over at Chris and make eye contact. His eyes were also pouring over and I sobbed out that I loved him, and he did the same. Then the weeping subsided, and with it came this intense feeling of release and surrender. I got really warm all over and felt the baby move downward inside me as I relaxed.

Suspecting that I had just gone through some good progress, the midwife checked me a second time just after 9. I was 8cm! However, there was a lip of cervix in the front and she told me I could no longer be on hands and knees so that the lip would go away. I was a little discouraged because I knew Verity wasn’t turning yet, her heartbeat was still way over by my right hip. Being on hands and knees was all I knew to get her to turn, and now I couldn’t do it. The next 6-7 hours were a whole different animal.

Encouraged to change positions every 3 contractions, I mustered up all I could to labor on my side on the bed, moaning into pillows to keep my throat open so my insides would follow suit. I wasn’t that vocal with Ethan’s labor, but this one coaxed it out of me because my back pain was so intense. During Ethan’s labor, the peaks of contractions were aweful, and when I got to 8cm I had a tremendous urge to bare down but was told I couldn’t yet. So the only part that was truly bodily painful about his birth was trying to make it through to 10cm without pushing, which wasn’t a huge amount of time, thank goodness. This birth, however, had gentler contractions but much more physical pain. I begged to be vigorously rubbed on my lower back during contractions, it was the only thing that held me over to the next one.

I know at some point I really began to have doubts. I hadn’t thought about not being able to turn Verity during labor, and I began to wonder how long I could be in transition, both from my own exhaustion and from the standpoint of whether or not the baby inside could handle it too. My midwife got more tough with me at this point. I would say something hurts, and she would ask me what hurts. She would suggest to get up and walk, or lay down, or take a shower, and I replied, hesitantly, that I was scared to do XYZ. She said, matter of factly, “Well, you are going to HAVE to go to the places your scared to GO.” Ugh.

Whenever I got ansy, I asked what time it was. Finally, she replied – “We are happy to tell you what time it is, but it will not make this labor go the way you envision and it will not make things better or worse. You need to stay IN THE MOMENT.” She told me several times that I need to get out of my head. She said the more I think about this labor, the more it won’t go anywhere. (There’s that darn mental thing again, just like acupuncture!) It was so frustrating to hear these words, because then all I could do was THINK about NOT THINKING. Damn it. Seriously.

Whenever I brought up Ethan’s birth (again, and again, and again) she finally said, “Look at me, look at me. This is NOT Ethan’s birth. This is a new birth, this is Verity’s birth. She will not do what Ethan did, this is all new.“. I cried again.

Towards the end, (which of course I didn’t know it was the end and had no idea what time it was anymore!), she told me that if I say I’m not sure if I can do this much longer, she is happy to take me to the hospital. “We can go to the hospital, but they aren’t going to be able to move Verity either. So it’s up to you – there is still NO reason you can’t have this baby at home.”

I truly entered the rock and the hard place.

I began to feel a slight urge to bear down at some point. I wasn’t sure if it was a bowel movement because it wasn’t very strong. But it made the very end of the contractions really painful in my back. My knees gave out from under me and I held on to Chris while we stood in the middle of my room. I literally hung from his neck and arms and yelled into his t-shirt. (One of those times where I’m really glad my husband is tall and strong!)

My midwife again had a heart to heart with me. She said, “I know you once asked that we stay with you during labor. I just want to make sure you still want that, because I feel that if you and Chris get alone you will do better.” I couldn’t remember at the time, but I did ask her that. I asked her because of all the doubts I had about my relationship with Chris, and I was very afraid of having to rely on him so heavily at such a vulnerable moment in my life. But my ever-knowing, all-wise midwife again knew better. I didn’t go to the bathroom again willingly, but my urge to bear down made me think I had to poop, so I went in with Chris alone. He told me to get in the shower. I felt a little angry at everyone for not letting me stay in one place. I don’t like change. I like control!

When the water came on, just what I was afraid of happened. My contractions came one on top of the other, and I could do nothing but yell through them and cling to Chris as he was practically pulled into the shower with me, fully clothed, lol.

Finally, finally, I felt and heard a big POP. I didn’t know what it was but it shocked me and Chris said, “Op! The water broke!” and I looked down to visually confirm it. He wanted to go tell the midwives but I knew I needed him for the next rush which was seconds away. I told him he was allowed to yell for them, but please don’t leave me. During the next rush, I had to just sit in the corner of the shower and push my legs out because I was bearing down hard through the whole thing. I was scared, because I wasn’t sure if I should be pushing. In a hospital labor, pushing was up to THEM. Alone in my shower, I didn’t know if I should trust myself. What if I’m ripping my cervix right out of me?! I reached down and thought to myself, “Yep! I’m ripping my cervix out of me! I’m pushing too soon!”

At last the midwives came in and bent down and said, “That’s the HEAD!” I could hardly believe it but I didn’t have time or thought to think about it because this baby was COMING. I was thinking, even in this moment, that I didn’t want to tear, and that we had no Vit E oil handy like in Ethan’s birth and if she is posterior I might tear this time and wait a minute I’m in water so that’s not good for tearing and on and on. I couldn’t tell anyone but I just reached down in desperation and put counter pressure on my own skin because I knew she was about to pop her head out. I was yelling loudly. I felt her turn while she was crowning, and at last her head emerged.

I heard some one say, “OH, that’s why you stalled – her hand is up by her head!” I didn’t really hear it, just kept pushing. Before I knew it she was on my belly, and I was in shock. I had come into that shower maybe 10 minutes earlier. I couldn’t believe she came out!

I saw Misty and Lacey (who had been watching Ethan and cooking all day from the floor above us!) enter, crying, to peak at us in the shower. The rest got blurry- I felt the separation flow and filled the shower with blood. A second later, a contraction came on and I effortless let the placenta go. Phew! DONE! (I heard some one say, “Well, hey! She’s efficient!”

Her cord was cut, and some how I was lifted to briefly shower off and lay down in bed. I was checked out and found with only surface tears, no stitches needed. The baby was weighed, people cried. I was really grateful every one else was there to hold her because I was exhausted. My midwife just kept telling me how proud she was of me, and I kept saying thank you, thank you. I felt so supported, even during the worst moments of the labor I reminded myself that there were people praying for us, and that we will be okay no matter what.

There were so many things that happened during this experience, from Verity’s conception during a time of hardship in my marriage, to the internal searching I’ve done in counseling every week since, to her going overdue and testing my faith, control issues, so on… then her entrance, where once again I had to face the demons I did not want to see. If nothing else, I feel like laboring at home with this team was something that brought me to a whole new level of awareness and a great little list of things I need to ask God for help with in myself

Lacey, my housemate, cooked all day and prayed for us. I have been fed the most nourishing foods and drinks, I dare say I am the most well-fed postpartum chica on the planet right now! And Misty, bless her, was here to mother to Ethan while he was sick all day and make sure he was not scared or confused. He’s been completely awesome about the birth and totally not shocked about what has happened. He asks me how I’m doing, how’s Verity doing, may he kiss her head, etc. He’s such an angel, even with goop in his eyes, a cough, a fever, so on.

I can’t say enough about how wonderful EVERY ONE was. I would have never made it on my own, but the perfect storm of loving (sometimes firm!) folks were here supporting me. Especially my husband, who I love so deeply, despite every where we have been.

Okay, forgive any typos, cause I have to try sleeping now, after nearly 2,500 words to recount my restless thoughts!

Wish me luck!!!

Verity, 1 day old

Mama and the babe

Camera shy?

As corny as it is, (but that is just SO what you should expect from me by now), all I can say about her is captured in a clip from Elf LOL

Other than that: Holy crap. My body hurts all over

Thank you every one for the prayers and comments and support. When going through the hardest part of my labor, I knew that the little twitter updates Chris had done that morning were alerting you to pray for us and I felt like I could hear the cheerleading getting us through it! I can’t believe we did it (and I mean, seriously, I CAN’T believe it), I’m SO glad it’s over and that we are now holding our tiny baby girl. It was such a different labor experience from Ethan’s and I will blog all about it when it all sinks in!

I will not be on the laptop much, trying to “lay in” with Verity and recover, but Chris reads me your comments and emails (between caring for our sick son and bringing me food and drinks and medicine all the time). I am SO proud of him, ya’ll – you guys should have seen him. I literally clung to his neck and hung from his body wailing from like 9am to Verity’s birth that afternoon. I have no doubt his back and arms are as sore as mine right now! He’s my hero!!!

So after 9 days passed due, Vivian went into labor first thing this morning, by 2:30 was pretty sure she was in labor. The midwives came at 4am and found her 5 cm. Within a few hours, she was 8cm! But, then, she stayed that way for another 6 or so hours! Verity was posterior, causing Vivian a lot of pain and doubt (and noises). Just when we thought we couldn’t go on, the midwives asked us to go take a shower and be alone. I held her while she wailed and all of a sudden, the bag of waters finally popped. Vivian pushed Verity out, with an ARM by her head, in less than 5 minutes (and didn’t tear!) I was able to catch her myself and cut her cord. She was very quiet and wide eyed, so sweet.

Verity Rene is HERE! She was born on April 28th, 2009 @ 3:42 p.m. She was an even 8 lbs of baby girl who did not want to come out because of her hand that was on her head and her being in a posterior position. Her gestational age according to her newborn checkup was 41 weeks!

Right now mama and baby are resting while I am blogging.

This was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. How did my wife do it?!? I was able to be there for her 100% for the first time in my life that I could remember. I was given the blessing of being healthy while my healthy girl was born. To be there and support my beautiful, gracious wife, was a gift from God! Just like Verity! I was able to catch Verity and cut the cord. WOW! As you can tell, this is one powerful experience that I was able to have in my life that I will never forget. I am holding her right now..:)!

Just after I caught Verity!

Are you guys getting tired of these updates yet? If so, I understand! I’m getting tired of them too!

Okay, so here’s the latest…

My acupuncture today went much better. I felt Verity (posterior again) getting really active when the needles were in. There was one needle in particular, on my foot that she said was related to my liver, that would throb whenever she moved. That’s the last thing I remember before I passed out. When I woke up an hour later, Verity was anterior and her hiccups were up against my belly button. My back felt so much better – woot!

After that I went to the midwife. She talked with me about a few things, like whether or not I CAN homebirth with her passed 42 weeks, what her role would be in a hospital birth, and what her game plan would be to get me to labor before Sunday. I CAN go beyond 42 weeks, if all is well with me and baby, but she recommends against it because she said that a natural hospital birth will be very difficult because I will be treated very differently at a hospital if I am beyond 42 weeks (like, a skipped heartbeat means a cesarean, that kind of OB freak out stuff). I felt a lot better after talking to her, knowing she will play a large role in helping me go into labor before a hospital induction becomes necessary. But I’ll get to that here in a bit…

We decided to do an exam and go from there. During the exam, (the first she’s checked me since 34 weeks,) she reported that I was a solid 3cm dilated, almost 4, and 80% effaced. She recommended sweeping the cervix a bit, while also bring it forward (my babies both have done this- the head is so low, so early, that the cervix itself is way back behind the head. Thus, there is not a lot of pressure on the cervix because the head is dropped low in front of it, rather than on it. So she tried to coax the opening down around the bottom of Verity’s head.) She also got a bulge to form for the bag of waters, another thing that helps a cervical sweep be more effective. For the last few hours I have had some cramping, blood clots, etc – the usual membrane sweep MO.

I have another acupuncture session tomorrow evening, and then a sonogram and 2nd “membrane sweep” on Thursday with the midwife. If still not in labor, she plans to come to my house Friday morning for a 3rd sweep AND likely administer a prostroglandin (sp? too lazy) gel. If still not in labor, I can have her over with her “team” on Saturday, when we CAN opt to break the waters, breast pump, etc while she and her team stop by frequently with antibiotics and so on over the weekend. She said that in cases like mine, breaking the waters is almost exactly what the uterus needs to start the labor that is stalled for weeks at 3-4 cm dilated. (For the record – with Ethan, I was 8 days late when I had a membrane sweep- the same day late I am today. Nearly 3 days later, my water broke on it’s own in the hospital – BEFORE I was induced. I do believe the waters breaking initiated my labor, which began before the Pit drip.) I am glad I’ve got a few days to think on this. I might not want to break waters until I have passed the 42 week mark, because then I have 48 hours to go to the hospital anyway, so I don’t have anything to lose.

Okayyyyy… so, that’s the tentative “plan” for the 41st week. Sounds like SO much fun, doesn’t it?!

I will add that Ethan woke up really sick today. He is running a fever and Chris had to stay home with him so I could make it to all my appointments. He took a hot shower tonight, ate a bit of pureed veggie/lentil soup, and is off to bed right now with the humidifier on filling his room with tea tree and eucalyptus oil. If we can all get some sleep, I’ll be very grateful.

My midwife thinks my body won’t let me go into labor until he is feeling better! One more thing to wait on… lol

Okay, I’m going to go fill myself with food and watch some tv. Good prescription, heh?

Hullo again, here I am at 41 weeks (287 days pregnant – but who’s counting?):

Quick update on the O’s:

We slept a long time last night, woke up too late for church so we did some walking this morning, which wasn’t quite as easy as it was a week ago. The head of Verity is soooo low and has been that way for at least 7 weeks now. My joints and inner thigh ligaments are pretty sore and weak by now, so the waddling is fairly ridiculous at this point

I have another midwife appointment tomorrow afternoon, after my second acupuncture session. I might ask her to check my cervix just for the sake of seeing if anything has changed since 34 weeks, my last exam. But I have decided not to ask for any invention (sweeping membranes, breaking waters, etc) until their is a medical reason to do so. I also plan to ask that we not talk about scheduling a sonogram until I am beyond 42 weeks, or if there is something abnormal about mine or Verity’s check ups. I want to give myself this last week to let nature take its course, rest, and see what happens. No more herbs or oil shakes on my part- just my good ol’ fashioned uterus and as much r&r as I can.

I haven’t gained a pound in the last few weeks, likely due to my lighter appetite and lots of walking, though my belly itself has exploded in stretch marks (disheartening–> Ethan, an 8 1/2 pounder, produced no belly scars). I am feeling in general pretty good, though it took a 7 hour stretch of alone time in my dark bedroom yesterday to sort through some of my fears/sadness/anger, finally getting to something like surrender, related directly and indirectly to this pregnancy. Surely have a ways to go still, though.

Well, I am in the middle of cooking Cuban night to introduce our roomies to good cuban food. Sad that I can cook that better than Cajun, lol. I’m doing a pulled pork shoulder (slow cooked and then broiled) with lots of garlic, adobo, salt, lime and citris fruits (homemade mojo – J pronounced like an H for the rest of you gringos). With it some soaked black beans and rice that has been simmerin’ all afternoon, sweet fried plaintains (maduros), and homemade sangria (I’ve used a cheap, spicey spanish red wine, tonic water, a bit of brandy and puerto rican rum, citrus fruits, strawberries, blueberries, and raw honey). As Dora the Explorer’s backpack would say: Que delicioso!

More tomorrow, after all my appointments (unless, you know, my pregnancy ends sooner!)

In my dreams, I dare to light a match to the constructs of my life,

Burn all the withering, moldy pieces;
the weaknesses and brokenness left by infidelity infestations;
the unknown outcome of my attempts to preserve this messy house. The pain is too sharp, the work is too hard. The labor long and arduous; questionably worth it.

I want to walk away from the smoldering heap of What Once Was,

find a weeping willow to climb to my new, simple home on a branch,

and sleep.

has been blogged about here –> check it out!

Today has a pretty date to it. It’s also Arbor Day, and if I had more time and energy, I would have planned some fun tree activities with the homeschoolin’ tot this week. Oh well… I let him make cookies instead

So my acupuncture session today was interesting. It takes place in a community setting, in a room of recliners, low lights, music, etc. A licensed acupuncturist and certified nurse midwife runs the clinic and performs the services. You are able to fall asleep if you want to, take your time with the needles in you until you feel “refreshed” and finished with them.

I, however, could not sit still for 25 minutes. Some of the points created a dull ache, some I didn’t feel at all, and some were downright painful. The reclined position caused my slightly right posterior baby to have all her weight and spine on the lower right side of my back, an area that has been sore and throbbing for nearly 2 months now because of her favorite position. I tried to relax but I wasn’t able to move my body at all without triggering one of the needles which were in my forhead, ears, shoulders, forearms, hands, belly, calves and feet. So I couldn’t shift my hips or lean forward to release that pressure, and the feeling of just lying there helpless was frustrating and emotional. Then I felt frustrated at myself for not being able to sit there for very long, and then frustrated at myself for being frustrated because that was blocking all my relaxing juju. It was kinda a mess, honestly.

The acupuncturist could tell, too. She talked with me after I asked her to remove the needles, suggested some things to turn the baby (she goes back and forth but she favors posterior), and gave me some seed tape things on two points in my ears that she said were on the points of the endocrine gland and uterine muscles to balance and bring on a hormonal shift. The prescription is to press them firmly for several minutes every waking hour. I go back on Monday afternoon to try again, if I’m still pregnant then.

I must admit, I don’t like that I have such a hard time getting out of my own way, particularly sitting still. I try so hard, yet its the trying that keeps things from moving, even when I’m “trying” to stop trying! lol

I noticed that after one hour away from the noise of my life (hence, the toddler), I was especially sensitive to (annoyed and irritated by) his constant stream of conversation, noises and arguing when I got back in the same car as him. It was like I had stepped away from my stress level for a brief second, just long enough to realize just how HIGHHHHHHH it is! The first thought that passed through my mind was like that of a bystander to my own life, and I thought, baffled, “My god – is that what I DO from dawn til dusk?!?!”

Anyway, I know this is kinda just me rambling, introspecting a bit – which may or may not be a good thing but it is what it is.

I feel the need to explain my anxiety over being overdue a bit, as well:

Earlier this week, I had my first “overdue” midwife appointment, and the well-meaning and non-threatening words that passed her lips, namely: “schedule your birth”, caught me. They just caught me. It’s taken me a few days to pinpoint it but that’s where it really got started.

In many countries, 42 weeks pregnant is the first time they even mention intervening in any way. In America, however, things are very different. Even with midwives, there is a concern over late term pregnancies and a general sense that a Pitocin induction is medically necessary once that 42 week mark has hit.

Now might be the time that the average overdue lady might say, Hey, I’m not 42 weeks for another 12 days, so I’m all good. Why worry now? Cross that bridge when I come to it!

And I suspect I’d be saying the same thing myself, if it weren’t for the fact that with my only other labor – I came to that bridge. I kept thinking “any day now”, but in the end, I was running a fever and the hospital midwives persuaded me into Pitocin, something I’d not even thought of because of my all natural hopes and dreams.

Most of you know, I labored on Pit (which makes things very difficult) and gave birth to my 8 lb 7 oz boy 12 hours later, with not one ounce of pain relief (unless you count my wonderful support team! LOVE you guys!)

You might say it was a pretty triumphant story. But it was intense, ya’ll. I hate that drug like I hate the debul. And I hate hospital restrictions, interventions, birthing rooms and 3 day stays almost just as much.

So here I am again, passed due. With “plenty” of time – and yet. You can’t talk to some one about the slim chance that their plane will crash when they fly when they were in a plane crash 3 years ago. For them, the chances are more real. The fear that destiny will throw them an oddball again is more prominent.

On top of the concerns I have over my previous experience of a hospital induced labor due to late term pregnancy, there are many other layers to my disdain about that option. First of all, I will owe my midwife/clinic for their fees, which I have already managed to raise and pay them 2/3rds of, regardless of how the birth goes and whether or not I will even birth with them (if in a hospital, I will not – I suppose I will birth with whatever doctor I “get”). I will then owe the hospital and staff another roughly 3 grand out of pocket (IF I have a normal vaginal delivery) in insurance deductibles and so on. This would be so hard for us to deal with- it’s difficult to even THINK about.

So yes, babies come when they are ready. Your body knows when your “real” due date is –

MOST of the time. But sometimes, babies don’t come when they should. Sometimes, the labor is stalled for too long, and medical intervention becomes a necessary reality. The placenta is done with it’s job, the water is filled with old merconium, or an infection sets in. These things do happen.

This knowledge, especially the first hand experience of Ethan’s labor, is why this week has been hard for me. Each morning that I wake up still totally pregnant, and every evening that I go to bed with stopped labor pains, etc, I feel myself sinking one day closer to the eventual marker that sets me into some high risk category where everything I have prayed for with this labor experience gets dashed. I want to “let” my body do what it’s going to do, when it’s going to do it, but can’t deny the fact that in some cases, the body DOESN’T.

So the best I can do, I think, for now, is continue to pray, to ask for prayer about my anxiety and body and rest, and then to stay involved in the lives and stories of those around me so I am not so consumed with my own story.

So, of course, I will cross the bridge when I come to it — but making the hike up to a bridge you do NOT want to cross is disheartening. So I do hope she comes soon. I do hope she comes gently, in the comfort of my home, with my sweet husband there to catch her and be the first to touch her.

I do hope…

Has not happened yet. I will keep everyone updated with the latest breaking news.

Actually, I am hoping that Verity holds out at least until Lost is over tonight. Verity makes her arrival as timely, smoothly and as comfortable as she can for my patient wife. I know that if there is one person who needs a break in her life, Vivian is at the top of the list.

p.s.
Don’t forget to pray for Vivian and Verity. I have heard that if 2 or more people pray for something, this great God I know loves doing miraculous things.

(Sorry that I cried wolf with this post.. next time there will be pictures with this heading)

the angels will be rejoicing.

And I’m pretty sure they’ll be dancing like Billy Preston in this: