The Word Amazing

The 30 day countdown has begun until Verity’s arrival, and with it – ANOTHER sinus cold. I blame it on the Kombucha that I squirted out my nose the other night when I laughed too hard

Oh, life is hard, but it could be a lot worse. These last few week’s have been rough for me emotionally. There are a million factors that play into this, but its been a bit of a downward time for me, and yet I feel I should acknowledge how grateful I am for the support that God has brought my way, esp in the form of our new housemate, Lacey.

There are little things she has done, she may not even be aware of them, that have eased this transition for me a great deal. From her example with her husband and son, to eating her nutritious yummy meals, to a few heartfelt talks where she listened (cried, laughed, you know). And it’s always so timely, too. When I was struggling with what it means to forgive and talking with my counselor about it specifically, I heard her say something about a situation in her life that went something like this: “It’s not okay, but I forgive you.” Ah-hah! I had something to chew on for days, let me tell ya. Beginning to forgive Hubby doesn’t mean I was fine with what happened, it doesn’t mean I am okay with it. I know this seems pretty elementary, but it seriously struck a chord with me.

Last night we were up knitting or puttering around on our laptops with the tv on in the background, and I took a small leap in vulnerability and verbalized how I feel every time I read or hear a wife praise her husband. There was this blog I happened on where the bio of the author said something about her “amazing husband” and I just felt myself writhe a bit. With an internal eye roll, I often cynically write off these types of proclamations because in my own limited experience, the thought that one’s husband is “amazing” really means that you don’t know what his secrets are. And if you really do have an amazing husband, well then, I’m just plain ol’ covetous of your situation

I know, I know: it’s a subjective and relative statement, after all. It’s just that to me, being able to praise my husband on such a level would feel extremely vulnerable. Despite that my husband, as he is now, is about as wonderful as they come, I still find myself weighing it against the previous 5 years of betrayal. I don’t know many husband’s who take hours out of their life each week to go to dedicate themselves to a recovery program, who ride their bikes to/from work 9 miles a day to save money for the family, who would walk out of their job if I needed his help at home, who does equal -if not more- share of the household chores and parenting time when he gets home after a full work week. Hubby prays with me out loud every night, holding his breath for the day when I will feel ready to pray out loud with him as well. He patiently endures my expressions of distrust, pain, immaturity, outbursts, fear and long list of shortcomings. Not only does he listen, he responds with how sorry he is and how much he loves me, even when he has to state a boundary for me to respect, he reminds me of his love. I can’t tell you how miraculous it is, the behavior I have seen in the last 9 months. And yet, I have such a hard time expressing my gratitude towards him or anyone else for his efforts towards health.

So what this post is ultimately about is to take a step towards acknowledging my husband, who is handsome, loving, helpful, and patient. While I feel like a blanket statement that “my husband is amazing” is reserved for those lucky woman who have all of the above PLUS a seamless track record of fidelity and honesty, I want to say that … gosh darn it … I’m lucky too, despite our painful past, which maybe one day I will be able to see as a blessing that brought us closer and more deeply intimate with Christ, others, and even each other.

I love you, Chris.
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