Where do Anger and Forgiveness Co-exist?

Some great quotes I found 7 months ago, in the first few weeks of my very painful marital experience, resurfaced recently, and were a tremendous blessing for me to remember them:

“KNOWLEDGE + PRACTICE + SUPPORT + SHARING = CHANGE.”

Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget:
“They [the offender] cannot give you truthfulness in words alone… their honesty must be born in listening. The price of their ticket into your life is an open ear; an open mouth gets them only half way. They must listen to you until they hear your claims and your complaints and your cries.”
“Remember, you cannot erase the past, you can only heal the pain it left behind. When you are wronged, that wrong becomes an indestructible reality. But you don’t change the facts. And you do not undo all of their consequences. The dead stay dead; the wounded are often crippled still. The reality of evil and its damage to human beings is not magically undone and it can still make us very mad.”

“forgiveness does not mean returning to business as usual but crafting a new relationship with a level of intimacy appropriate to our level of trust…” – David Augsburger

Ephesians 4:25 (The Message)
“What it adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.”

This morning, when I began journaling about my anger over the past, and I ended up crying in prayer on my bed, admitting that I doubt my ability to ever forgive. Telling God that He will have to take over and work a miracle in me, because the level of mercy and grace I am capable of on my own is not nearly adequate for the transgression. (I also told Him that I think it’s all well and good that He paid for the sins of the thief on the cross, but what does He offer those the thief stole from? Comfort?! BLEH!… I can be honest with God – He gets it.)

Note to self: I don’t want to rush forgiveness. I don’t want a Hello Kitty band-aid for a leg that needs to be, frankly, amputated. If this thing is gonna get healthy, its gonna take time, and far be it from me to rush my own heart. (I can’t explain it. I can’t offer a good reason for why it might appear that I delight in licking my own wounds. I just know it’s not compulsive, and it’s not just about surviving. It’s just the journey, and I didn’t write the guide book so I’m not the one to ask.)

Are anger and forgiveness, in my case, mutually exclusive? This question has been haunting me lately. Does the fact that I am not “over it” [my anger and hurt] mean that I am not ready to forgive? Does the fact that I am not ready to forgive mean I am not “over it”?

To be honest, I have mostly come to see my current feelings and outlook on this whole experience as something to rejoice in. Why? Because whatever I did in the past to sort through my emotions, my boundaries, my rights, my choices, my faults — it wasn’t right. It was off; some twisted mix of self-sacrifice/martyrdom and self-preservation. I would have never dreamed that I would still be processing a hurt so many months later, because in the end, every one wants to feel better, as quickly as possible (hence, the existence of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, Retail Therapy, and Rebound Relationships!). So stuff it down and deny it I did. Two days after a betrayal, everything was “back to normal” without any real change. The cycle was so, so… counterproductive and maddening!

So as puzzling or difficult as it is for me to continue to move through this murky swamp of recovery, at least its recovery (can I get an “amen?!” ). At least it’s something completely new, which means, yes, the cycle is not at work here today. Being angry, and unsure about if I can ever forgive, might just be exactly what I need to get there. [insert deep breath here].