So I am reading “The Unschooling Handbook” and “Teach Your Own”, and will share in more detail about this specifically some other time, but it prompted me to decide to take one week of no suggested or forced learning, to simply be the “facilitator” and helper of whatever Lil’ E naturally gets into or asks about. To prove to myself that he was learning and naturally interested in things, I’m keeping a journal of the stuff he gets into, and the questions he asks during the day (which is already helping me observe just how much a child WANTS to learn without ever being coaxed by an adult.)

The highlight so far?

“Mama, I need to tell you something.” [very serious, demanding my attention] “When I wake up, I eat food. But then, later, even though I ate food, I get hungry again. WHY IS THAT?!”

LOL

I can see an entire science lesson on the digestive system already…

I can’t wait to have this baby. I need to get back on my poor neglected bike!

- me: sinus cold… tired… worried… working.
- will reply to your e-mails one of these days

I’m officially pointing readers in the direction of my “virtual baby shower“, which you may or may not have noticed in the upper left hand corner of this page in the last month.

I explained yesterday how little we need for our upcoming baby, how simple we are approaching this experience, but because the cost of giving birth is so significant, we are primarily asking for support, prayers, and donations towards that end. I know this economic time is rough, and I really believe that the way American’s will get through it is through community vs individuality. We have been blessed with so many loving friends and family members who are there for us in times of need and who we can return the favor in ways that God allows us to do so.

To be honest, I feel rather cheesy asking for help with the birth costs, but we are truly seeking an affordable way to cover the medical expenses during a time in which Hubby’s hours have been cut back and I will be taking a (hopefully very short) unpaid leave when the baby is born. With this in mind, we ask for prayers and support during the upcoming months.

For those of you who know us personally: you will never know the depth of our gratitude, and the joy I have in sharing my life with you.

For dessert tonight, I wanted something brownie-ish. I came across a few recipes and did a bit of combining and subbing with whatever I had on hand- the result was fabulous and I had to share:

Ingredients:
1/4 cup unrefined coconut oil (or canola – but you’re missing out!)
1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
2 large free range organic eggs
3/4 cup natural cocoa powder (or a little less if you aren’t as much of a chocoholic as I am. I used Equal Exchange Fairly Traded Organic Baking Cocoa)
1 cup white granulated sugar (or substitute of your choice- I didn’t have enough of my other stuff)
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup whole wheat flour (or whole wheat “pastry” flour- I use Bob’s Red Mill)
1 tsp baking powder
(chocolate chips, nuts, sprinkle of cinnamon, etc – optional)

Mix/beat ingredients, first the wet, then adding the dry, until the mixture is creamy like brownie mix.
Bake in 8 in square on 325 F for roughly 25 minutes or until done. (They will be pretty moist even when done). Cool, cut, and enjoy

As I type, the baby due date countdown on my sidebar says I have roughly 81 days to go, or just under 3 months.

This pregnancy has gone by fast. It came as a surprise of no small significance, conceived during a time of early reconciliation while processing a tremendous “crisis” in my marriage. I grieved this pregnancy. I put off making an appointment with a midwife until I was 14 weeks, and was only able to do that after I began counseling for “prenatal emotional health”. To say that this process has been difficult for me would be a laughable understatement. At each new phase, I had to let go of the denial, sadness, anger over my circumstance. My identity as a young woman, already on shaky ground, teetered even more. That concluded the first trimester, gone in the blink of an eye — or the lurch of my stomach!

Then there was the second trimester. I’ll call that chapter “acceptance”. I began to see the bump. Hear the heartbeat during appointments. Not long after, I felt the kicks. Within a couple of weeks, I braced myself for the sonogram which would confirm what my heart already knew- this was going to be a little girl, her name will be Verity, she will be my daughter. This pregnancy contains a little baby. There’s no longer any denying that I’ve got a bun in the oven, and for all intents and purposes, this little girl will be a part of my life in less than 3 months.

As I enter this last stretch, this third trimester, in many ways I have come to accept this pregnancy, and I have experienced some excitement over my new daughter. Lil’ E draws her pictures and puts them in a “To Verity” pile, with my knits and other simple gifts we make to express our growing love for her. Just before she is due, we will also celebrate Easter and Hubby’s birthday, but I expect the air will be full of quiet anticipation for Verity Rene.

I am beginning to feel the urge to prepare for her arrival, though this time in much simpler, meaningful ways.

There will be no bassinet, crib, swing, jumper, high chair, or other baby products in our home. We bought a “snuggle nest” on craigslist for her to co-sleep with us (in our full sized bed! lol) just as Lil’ E did, and I am looking out for used all natural and organic blankets to line it with, though I suspect our organic sheets and blankets will suffice since it won’t be winter anymore. Since I will breastfeed again, I need no feeding supplies, and know how to steam, puree, and freeze fruits and veggies for when she begins eating, which will coincidentally be a great time of harvest for local NW produce. Lil’ E has made space in his room by getting a new corner bookshelf (which you can always just assume is free or super cheap item purchased from craigslist) and we still need to find a used dresser for all the hand-me-downs Verity is accumulating. I refuse to buy or accept newly purchased outfits for her unless its handmade or something special like that, because seriously, Lil’ E had 21 onesies for every 5 pounds he grew, which is just excessive no matter which way you look at it. I will not have a babyshower because we have no needs. I can make a moby wrap or buy a used one at Bella Stella, and since I will just babywear all day everyday, there’s really no other contraptions necessary. I will continue to look for used cloth diapers, but I plan to give my very best attempt to the elimination control method of no-diapering. I’m not worried about when I’m going into labor because babies come on their own time. And I’m not worried about the labor itself because I survived 12 hours of pitocin induced labor without pain relief with a severe bladder/kidney infection and gave birth to a beautiful 8.7 pound boy, so anything worse will be way beyond my control anyway. I’m no longer reading books on labor or taking classes, all I needed to do was identify a midwife and decide on a homebirth. Simple. (Raising 3 grand for the homebirth, esp since Hubby’s income has just been reduced? NOT simple. Basically impossible, actually.)

It’s my firm belief that most of us are addicted to “extra”. Just look in your medicine cabinet, under your sink, in your dresser drawers, in your trash can, in your pantry. Too many products, too many clothes, too many things in boxes in the garage/basement/attic. We, (by which I literally mean MY family) own too many dvd’s we never watch and clothes we never wear. We believe the commercials and ads. Most people say they need the extra cars, cell phone minutes, and cable channels; they need the gazillion hygiene and cleaning products; the disposable napkins, diapers, dusters, counter wipes — AND they need their stressful jobs so they can afford all the other stuff they need. The lie is that these things make life more comfortable, easier, less time consuming, more instant gratification. But do they? Really?

This time, instead of a house full of plastic, colorful junk, the baby will get a house full of love. It’s simple, really. As simple as using a few natural ingredients for all of my cleaning and hygiene needs – as simple as sleeping when I’m tired – as simple as homeschooling instead of working extra hard to afford pre-k – as simple as soaking beans when I wake up so we have a something for dinner – as simple as taking a walk – as simple as the warmth of the sunlight from the window right now.

I need life to be simple. There are so many complicated things I can’t avoid, like filing my taxes, considering bankruptcy, dealing with a broken heart, and figuring out how to stay connected to my faith community in the midst of emotional mayhem.

Complicated things like not burning my popcorn on the stove when I’m too hungry to think straight.

Complicated things like forgiveness.

There is metaphorical significance to the distance we have traveled since moving to Portland in May of 07. Our first trip back to our hometown last week has me reflecting on this. The map is a visual aid

We got back in town late Thursday night (or early Friday morning, to be precise!). We’ve since been trying to recuperate, get adjusted, get unpacked, get some work done, make some major decisions, and get ready for a regular week tomorrow. I woke up this morning to a white snow laden back yard view out of my kitchen window (it’s about 35-40 degrees but a little snow). I laughed to myself at how every one, and I do mean every one, we spoke with in Florida asked us if it’s cold in Portland (and complained about how cold it was there, in the 50’s and 60’s with not a cloud in the sky).

It’s good to be back. It’s a bit like visiting another planet, or at least, another life. Some things were harder for me than I expected, being in the places where Hubby and I first met and dated… the dreams I had for us then and how differently things have turned out. I spent the majority of my time on Marco Island trying to soak up time with family I haven’t seen in almost 2 years, where we did lots of field trips to Florida wildlife reserves and the beach. We ate tons of food, laughed a lot, and every one played a hearty, loud game of Apples to Apples while I sat in a tub with a tummy ache, lol. By the time we got to Naples mid-trip I kinda “crashed”, so I spent most of my time zoned out, knitting or painting or otherwise in my own world observing what was happening around me. We slept in a lot and rested, got to see a lot of family members (Hubby’s side) that we haven’t seen in a long time, including Hubby’s grandma who flew up from Puerto Rico and his aunt who flew in from NYC. We had an “Obama Inauguration Party” that grew in size spontaneously which was also a lot of fun.

I got to see dear friends Steph/Tim and Karina/Kubby, which was so much fun. Steph/Tim decked out their place in LOST paraphernalia for the premiere last Wednesday (which rocked my world, btw), and many new memories were created by the “colorful” older couple who invited themselves over and talked during the commercials about the UFO’s they have seen. No, I’m not kidding.

Lil’ E was 99% angelic for the entire trip, even on the long ride back when he slept through our landing in (who knows where?) where we didn’t switch planes, so it was perfect. (He has not, however, been angelic since our return, so it’s been a long few days!) I got lots of knitting done while there, esp once Steph demonstrated what I was doing wrong when switching from knit to purl so I could do the ribbing on a hat pattern. I finished a wool bib and two wool “pixie” hats. I started on booties but after I did the first one I could tell they were much too small for a normal sized baby so I’m looking for a new pattern!

Well, I guess that’s the update for now. It could take me a while to get back in the swing of things with so much I am processing right now, but at least I’ve spit some of it out before it gets lost in the far reaches of my memory. I’ve got a work day ahead of me and hopefully finish the unpacking, readjusting process along with it.

P.S. No funky kitty smells while we were gone so, thus far, Paz gets to stick around now, that he has been de-maled .

Many of you were perplexed by the error screen on my blog, your trusted visiting spot for the last 3 years. My host attempted a payment to an old card and then locked my account, so I’ve now updated the info and we’re back online!
Can’t write much but to say HECK YES I’m excited about the Lost premiere tonight and can’t wait to spend some more time on the blog when I get back to p’town.