Bad day vibes and the latest in mama news

It’s 7:30am, I’ve only been up for one hour, but already I have this “bad day” kinda feeling. Dealt with some correspondences that made me think about debt and the pregnancy, two things that I really don’t want to think about before the sun comes up (or at all, frankly!). It’s frustrating, as always, to barely have enough to pay our bills, yet make too much to get state insurance to cover my birth. Disappointments with my midwives over the last few months have been really eating at me, as I’m more than half way to the birth and there is still no budge from my insurance, along with other things that have made my intuition and feelings about my midwives kinda muddled and complicated. My last few appointments have left me with an unsettled feeling and fighting tears on my 45 minute walk home, which can’t be good… I’m praying God will lighten this one load a bit – either give me some breakthrough with them that leads to some peace, or throw a new midwife in my lap. (I just need something to not be a struggle or a fight, just a nice, flowing, easy process. Is that so much to ask?! )

This year has including some major disappointments, and with less than 2 weeks left of 2008, I’m really, really, looking forward to sloughing it off and hoping for 2009’s triumphant entry. This year, particularly the last 6 months, has been a bit like getting one of those really deep pressure massages that, despite its healing properties, leaves you dehydrated and bruised. The difficulties of this year have left my good juju so depleted that little things (like the painful cheek bite that has left me unable to eat anything solid for 2 days!) make me want to scream “IT’S NOT FAIR!” and kick over a trash can. Ah, yes, how nice would it be if every once in a while, an adult could feel totally justified in throwing a good ol’ fashioned FIT!

Of course, there’s a flip side, there always is. I’d like to think the struggles have left me wiser, less apt to throw my energy into useless causes, (i.e. at this point, if the news gets too heavy and ridiculous, I turn it off!) It’s easier to filter what dramas I let get to me and to differentiate what activities and people hold value. I am also usually more aware of my insecurities and over-explanations, my tendency to get consumed with work instead of what’s going on inside and around me, and less concerned if I’m understood or even liked. Why I ever cared about the opinions of people who have hardly spent any time with me in my life I doubt I’ll ever get. Classic, but insane. It’s refreshing to be exhausted at my old habits, and to realize I don’t have to feel either defensive or apologetic- particularly because I’m allowed to make mistakes and grow. Amen?! lol To be able to recognize even the teeny beginnings of this change in myself is encouraging, because I know that if I continue to work this process of dealing with my life, I’m only going to learn more and get healthier as time goes on.

Elsewhere in news:

It is snowing outside and its really, really pretty right now. Nice thick snow and not too cold out (mid-30’s). It looks like a postcard from my window sometimes, as these large evergreens line the backyard fence and now have frosting all over them

I’ve been working on revamping my business, name and website, this week, and will be excited to launch it by the new year. Finding the time to design something new has been a long time coming, but I think it will be much more encompassing of my current services and skills.

I’ve begun reading a communication book (Hubby has been obsessed with these social/emotional intelligence and teamwork/leadership books lately so I have some catching up to do). I’m starting with “People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts” by Robert Bolton. The start is cheery (not) — the highlight being the T.S. Elliot quote that typical families are:

“Two people who know they do not understand each other,
Breeding children whom they do not understand
And who will never understand them.”

From first hand experience, I can attest to the correctness of the authors statement: “Marriage, the most complicated of human relationships, cannot flourish without effective communication. Couples hoping to establish an enriching marriage often lack the needed relational skills and end up living parallel lives in a marriage without intimacy… Proximity without intimacy is inevitably destructive.”

I’m also reading “Abide with Me”, a novel by Elizabeth Strout. I need to start on the next Imago Book Club book (hopefully I won’t be leading a third discussion in a row having barely finished the book minutes before we joined!) which is a Henri Nouwen book, “The Wounded Healer”. When not doing one of these other things, or while working at night to keep myself awake, we’re starting our Lost marathon, hoping to watch all the seasons by the premiere on Jan. 21st, though we don’t have the funds to buy the latest season on DVD just last week. I’m surprised at how little I care about that this year!

That’s about all I can think of for today. Chow for now!