Just in from another short, brisk (51 degree) walk to playschool. This morning I am remarking to myself at just how tired I am sometimes. Can anyone else relate to the feeling that you are so burnt out that you just want to stop moving for awhile? I had a weird dream last night that I was 14 years old and telling my (now deceased) grandmother that I planned to get scholarships through college (which happened) by making straight A’s and being involved in extracurricular activities (the following year I was a cross-country runner, varsity basketball cheerleader, key club member, honor society member, treasurer of my class in student government, played viola in orchestra, in a school play, in art club, worked part-time 15 hours per week, in fellowship of christian athletes, and involved in youth group – all as a freshman in high school.) When I woke up and thought about this, and how hard I pushed myself to do so many things (and never felt I did any of them particularly well because I was so spread out), it is no wonder that I am feeling like I’m at the end of my life instead of the beginning!

When one thing ended, I was already sticking my foot in the next (taking high school courses in middle school and summer school before beginning high school, then planning a wedding by the time I started college, then planning a birth by the time I finished college, etc) that I never got a break. I wish I would have not been so performance driven. I could have done half the things I did and still gotten scholarships through school, but I felt that most people my age were burning the candle at both ends, as my dad used to warn me, so I had to keep up. I wish I had known that life doesn’t slow down unless and until you are lucky enough to retire, and I might as well enjoy my childhood first so I don’t feel like an old maid at 24!

My counselor told me last week that what I just described is textbook for motherless daughters – those of us who didn’t have the role model of a wonderful, yet imperfect, woman – so we constantly tried to measure up to an obscure ideal, as a student, worker, women, wife and mother. I’ll try to write more about my journey into realizing what that all means when I have figured it out a bit more myself. There’s a list of “missing mother syndrome” characteristics in the link above that I highly relate to, esp the last few:

• You experience social stress – you either try to stay invisible, or you have a compulsion to be in the limelight
• You feel homesick without knowing where “home” is
• You are trying too hard to be happy and “perfect”
• You take rejection very personally
• You believe that everybody else gets their act together – except for you

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Becoming a mother at 21 after pushing myself this hard really changed my world. The patience it takes to listen to my 3 year old son ramble and ask questions for 10 minutes while we walk to playschool is exhausting, and the weight I feel lifted when I drop him off is existential! I relish the quiet house when I return; I want to bottle up the silence and release it in my ear every time I get overwhelmed with the noise of motherhood. I love my son to pieces, but I feel sometimes like I can barely express it because its bundled under so much fatigue and distraction with work, marriage, and the rest of life. I know all mother’s of young children, especially those you are the primary caregiver, feel this way. It’s tiring, and I’ve been doing it for 3.5 years without much relief (luckily with only one). I can’t even imagine the pure exhaustion of single-mothers, who don’t have a husband like mine who comes home sweaty from riding his bike home from work nearly 5 miles away, only to start doing dishes, dinner, and putting the kid to bed for you! It’s just amazing to me that they do as well as they do, with such little support. I just pray for my sanity and emotional health as I anticipate starting all over with diapers and breastfeeding in April. Like I said, motherhood changed my world.

By the way, I loved the women’s retreat last weekend. Too bad it wasn’t an entire week (or month, or year!). It’s amazing how connected we all are by our feelings, despite the varying situations effecting our lives. It’s amazing how many of us struggle to leave the house in order to participate in community and fellowship with each other, and were pleasantly surprised at how nice it was to talk and make meals all weekend with people you hardly knew! I needed it, and as the weekly routine begins again I am seeing just how much I needed it! God is good.