Posts from — August 2008

… I will get some pictures of my time out in the woods last weekend on here. But not today!
One of my work clients flew in last night for a long weekend of training me, (poor them!), so I won’t be around much. More next week, hopefully!

having these little (ha!) not-unrealistic-just-necessary needs –
recognition always a little unnerving.
don’t you see that in my own hands I’m churning
the cream of my pain and the fat of my heartache?
(one of these days my perseverance will be buttery.)
always taught to steer clear of self-pity, now I am told to FEEL
all of my “this is so unfair”’s and “I don’t deserve this”’.
learning the futility of questions beginning with “why?”
learning the injustice of statements containing “should”
I am a woman, a mother, a Princess Warrior say some,
but
usually just a stupid kid.
Inadequacy, Shame and Self-accusations are the three balls
at the end of the chain that I carry;
I took them on too long ago to remember how it all began.
I try to lay them down, lay them down, lay them down;
try to saw them off, saw them off, saw them off;
so silly, these attempts at freedom because
deep down, (twisted heart of mine), I still agree I need them.
Fist to the wind, I’ll curse and I’ll spit
until all that raging has left me empty -
powerless -
exhausted -
ready
to take a teeny-weeny-itty-bitty step forward.

I just want to take a sec to thank all of you who have been so supportive and encouraging about the whole bun in the oven thing. Some of you have even really listened in the last few days to me share my general state of disillusionment/identity crisis/not-so-excited feelings and thoughts, which is such a nice thing to be able to share and find acceptance and understanding. (Funny and touching story- a boss/client really warmed my heart today: upon hearing the news he rushed to hug me -several times- with tears in his eyes, kissing my cheek and saying “MAZAL TOV!” I really believe his fatherly excitement was a gift from God that I was needing, striking an emotional chord for me.)

It’s strange the way some situations are such a refining process, and even gift you with a glimpse at who in your life is truly worth their weight in gold. I am so fortunate to have such a loving community in my church, friends, colleagues, counselors and family. What might be thought of in one perspective as “cons”, they can see as something deeper and usher me into brokenness and trust with their gentle, selfless, honest words of wisdom. What did I do to deserve such grace? (The answer – NOTHING!)

This weekend the Hubs and I are headed out to a time of reflection and solitude in the woods, lol. Armed with a cooler of snacks and some books, and no plan whatsoever, we hope to go places we’ve never been before. I’m amazed by life.

The month of June was packed with the “events” surrounding the *last* thing I ever imagined happening. Some of you know, some of you might imagine, some of you are clueless, but suffice it to say that it flipped my world upside down, for what seemed like the worst -but in the end has been for the much, much better. For me, what has followed for 2 months now, and will for a loooong while to come, has been recovery, plain and simple. Well, it’s never really that simple. With eyes wide open, with an amazing support network, I trudge on, one 24 hour period at a time.

During the month of July, the second *last* thing I ever imagined happening did. Little did I know it, much to my surprise and complete lack of intention (and a “hear, hear” for the sheer irony of life). While I seriously believed Lil’ E to be my only child for possibly ever, turns out that won’t be the case. With a clear “pregnant” signal from two tests today, I discovered the news of next year’s April baby.

While my first thought was to keep this fact undisclosed for as long as possible, I quickly searched my heart and realized that as part of recovery, I cannot operate out of fear of rejection and “what others think”. This is my life, my business, and God has me covered. So it’s all good. Might as well let the cat out of the bag and get it over with – as I continue to be responsible for my own footprints, as loving and gentle with myself and the man I call “Hubby” as possible. I continue to take my life one day at a time, and a little less seriously.

Negative input strictly forbidden from entering this blog, my email address, or phone lines, please Only God and I know the beauty in this circumstance, which as far as I am concerned is one that does not effect the former (June) in the least. No matter what lies behind me or ahead of me, I know that true gratitude can be my response.

Way cool for our friend Heath to offer his handyman skills, tools, and scrap wood to turn our terribly makeshift coop/run into a glorious two level paradise
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While I can take NO credit for this masterpiece, I want to thank Heath and his assistant Hubby for spending the entire day, in 90-100 degree weather, putting this baby together. What a team! (like, seriously, the Heath and Amy tribe – consider your egg needs covered for YEARS as payment for this help!)

Since I did nothing but get in the way, lol, I spent the evening with the kiddos, Heath and Amy’s 4 yr old Ben. It is SO funny to listen to two preschool boys talk! While eating their dinner after a long bubble bath, I hear Ben tell Lil’ E, “What a great way to spend a very hot day – eating good spaghetti and drinking ice cold water!” LOL

Since the chickens are now blessing us with a dozen or so eggs a week, I can’t tell you how excited I am to have them in a coop and run that I can keep clean and contained. They are getting more and more accustom to our presence and each have their own little personalities. My girls!

Below are some more random pics from the last several weeks. Enjoy!

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Singin’ the Doxology Song at the Creek after Baptism – couple of weeks ago… (Yes, you do hear Lil’ E saying, “I don’t know that song!”)
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Surgeon Generals Warning: A ramble follows.

Sometimes things happen in life and we think, gee, (or F$?!), if only I could find the one to blame, maybe the pain of this thing would ease up. (For example, 9-11 served up a face we wanted to see on a platter pretty quickly.) It’s way too easy to figure out who’s fault it is, from an individual or organization or politics – anyone see John Edwards’ affair make headlines this week?- or books or subcultures or mommy and daddy or whatever. We can look out over a situation and find a sense of self-importance because we know who the “bad guy” is (and if we keep looking for them throughout our whole lives, pretty quickly you’ll find yourself completely alone- and maybe realize you too are the “bad” guy!) It will keep us out of friendships, marriages, communities, extended families, and churches – because sooner or later everyone is a tremendous letdown and we are super proud that we keenly knew all along about all those fake or sinful or untrustworthy “others”.

I don’t know, but sometimes I get really sick of doing that, and of hearing it from others I know, and I just want to say like, pardon my french but, SHIT! We’re all just as messy as the drunk on the bus, okay? If I want to live this short earthly life with the smallest possible circle of safe people, it will be one very lonely and ignorant existence. (And something tells me Jesus won’t be too pleased when I say, “But,… but!” at the pearly gates.)

I love Anne Lamott and her take on grace. “Sometimes I think that Jesus watches my neurotic struggles, and shakes his head and grips his forehead and starts tossing back mojitos.” After a food binge that left her feeling completely lost in her fear and addiction, she writes, “I burped my terrible Cyclops burps, which brought such relief that I finally remember who I was: one of the sometimes miserable all-of-us. I was a soul, not a faulty digestive system. Not a bad neck; not my ruckles and wrinkles and pouches. A woman with a few small, unresolved issues.”

We recently ordered The Shack for hubby and I to read together, but not after reading the author “Willie”’s story. I love that part:

These facts don’t tell you about the pain of trying to adjust to different cultures, of life losses that were almost too staggering to bear, of walking down railroad tracks at night in the middle of winter screaming into the windstorm, of living with an underlying volume of shame so deep and loud that it constantly threatened any sense of sanity, of dreams not only destroyed but obliterated by personal failure, of hope so tenuous that only the trigger seemed to offer a solution. These few facts also do not speak to the potency of love and forgiveness, the arduous road of reconciliation, the surprises of grace and community, of transformational healing and the unexpected emergence of joy. Facts alone might help you understand where a person has been, but often hide who they actually are.

and then he ends… “I love the wastefulness of my Papa’s grace and presence.”

I was reminded today of the idea that we are all connected, like the little pieces of faces that merge in the film I Heart Huckabees. That when we look out at nature, we can see the ecology of life leaning on each other to keep the system going – it’s progress made most efficient by the working together of its organisms. Then of course there is the “one body” imagery from the New Testament, in that one part of the body cannot say, cut off that arm, we don’t really need it. Cut off that drunk, that rager, that user, that republican, that adulterer, that prick in his fancy car… we just don’t need the dead weight. Cut it off and move on, right? After all, we certainly have never been to blame for other people’s suffering, right? True? Absolute? Verdad?

Just listen to this same self-protective thought from a small dinosaur, Ducky, from “The Land Before Time VII”: “Hello? Anyone there?” (no response). “That’s okay. When it comes to dark and scary places, I prefer they be empty!” (It may not seem like a related note, but trust me, in this brain, its all pretty much related. Whether you follow or not is an entirely different story. And that’s okay.)

Dark and scary places, in my experience, come from blaming and isolating, not from grace and direct, honest relationships.

Parting words from Caedmon’s Call:
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Little E’s birthday was last week – the big numero tres! We filmed him opening his packages from grandparents and friends since we couldn’t celebrate together.

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(Nope, no Lil’ E bike pictures just yet…)

As I go through one of my life’s most difficult phases thus far, it will probably come as no huge surprise that I also have begun to explore and strengthen my faith. I often hesitate to blog about this topic because Christians tend to be super annoying about how and when they bring this up (like at the Farmer’s Market with pamphlets, thankyouverymuch.) I used to be one of them, a “Jesus Freak” if you will, and I gotta say that it was by and large an experience that felt good for me at the time, and bad for just about every one else who knew me! lol I think the key piece missing was that my faith was a bit like an unseasoned bowl of soup- I just didn’t have enough experience yet (and still don’t, but it’s getting better) to stretch my view of God to include all the good flava! I was too wrapped up in following a bland ol’ recipe to the tee.

I have several laughable examples of how I diligently displayed my faith in my demeanor and appearance, but I won’t share them just in case some one who still does similar things finds it offensive. (But if you still want to laugh, I will inject a little humor here: I have a little Facebook “flaire” button that says “coffee makes me poop”. And since I just drank two cups to wake myself up before the butt crack of dawn, I need to excuse myself right quick.)

…OKAY – now that THAT’S taken care of!

Getting back to the whole “explore and strengthen my faith” part: I’m up this morning, (and most mornings, unless depression keeps me in bed until lunchtime,) reading through some books and thinking/praying about various things. I’ve just begun re-reading “Desiring God” by John Piper before bed, and I remember this sort of life-changing quote by C.S. Lewis that I first read in Piper’s book. Lewis says, “the Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” The idea here is that if we really wanted happiness and joy (which Piper believes all humans really want and will do anything for, and that to deny oneself that pursuit is the opposite of what God wills for us), and if that desire were really strong enough, we would end up finding God, because He is the only One who can offer infinite joy. We settle for all kinds of other pleasures — a relationship, a job, our child, food/drink, drugs, so on — in search for things like: meaning, self-fulfillment, intense “high” of happiness, escape from pain, and/or to feel happy.

Anyway, all that to say that my thoughts have been planted on this concept for about a week. How would I rate my own desire for joy, as I find myself in a place where joy seems unreachable and any joy I’ve experienced over the last 6 years turns out to be something a little more like … ignorance? Was I placing my “joy” in something/someone other than God (yep) and therefore was perhaps my desire for joy too weak (yep). Did I believe God would provide joy for me in something/someone other than Himself; something/someone(s) I could see, feel, hold on to, control, depend on, (and, ultimately, screw up royally)?

I told another recently that I was feeling like a little girl. I pictured the little girl (me) having taken some one’s hand in trust, expecting them to hold my hand while we crossed a busy intersection. Half way through the intersection, that person let go of my hand. I was scared and looking around, frozen in that spot, wondering where this person went and why they weren’t looking out for me anymore. I had complete faith in this person, I never imagined (as no child ever would), that this hand I grabbed would let go when I needed it to guide me across the path of scary noises and immense danger. My life was put in danger by this person, I was betrayed – but my understanding of my situation felt so limited, like a small girl.

I am thinking more about this analogy this morning and finding myself with more complexities to add. You see, in my analogy, I can feel really bad for that little girl. Boy, she really is the helpless victim, isn’t she? Poor thing! She must have been ill-equipped to make better choices, being that she is just a helpless child who didn’t know any better. The truth is that I came into this situation with choices, and I knew a bit more about the perils of the intersection before I decided to depend on that hand for ultimate safety. Dare I think it, I could have really made it across all by myself, if I had been depending on the proper Guidance. What’s more, I could have brought this other hand along with me, and when it let go, I would have kept walking with a confident little smile on my face, (perhaps wondering where the other friend had gone, maybe concerned for them, but continuing along in safety). The friend might have stumbled along the way, maybe they would eventually catch up and grab my hand again, or not — but I also know that they too are not a helpless child, and they too can learn to navigate the road without me.

I’m sure I’ve exhausted my analogy at this point, and I’m also sure it’s not particularly earth shattering to most of you, so I’ll move on!

My take-away, then, is essentially this: “Complete intimacy with God spoils us for anything less. Freely giving ourselves to Him and freely receiving His devotion becomes our holy pursuit. In His presence we see ourselves more clearly, allowing our continued healing and wholeness.” – Molly Ann Miller.

TGIF, folks.