Book out Oct. 2nd…

My son loves this book from the library, but has got it in his head that any tree with lots of leaves under it is “Fall leaves Fall”, lol.

The autumn equinox just passed (almost unnoticed, sadly!) and as I pointed out in my post yesterday, fall is upon us. I’m enthralled with this season right now because I never had much of a Fall growing up. I can very distinctly remember the one fall I spent NOT in Florida as a child, when I spent 4 months with my mother in central Louisiana at the age of 8. There was a harvest or street festival we went to, the air was chilly, and she remarked at how gorgeous the bright yellow trees were in the fall.

Florida trees do not turn yellow. They are primarily one of two types: on the coast, its the quintessential Palm Tree, and inland (Lakeland), its the great big mossy oaks. They give you lots of leaves, albeit dry brown ones that kill your grass. And there are days so hot in a Florida September that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk. There are CHRISTMAS DAYS so hot in Florida that you can lay out on a lawn chair in your bikini and get a tan. A small handful of you might think that’s totally cool, but trust me, 23 years of it and I’m done. Where’s my Bing Crosby and my White Christmas, darn it? (Rainy christmas, ie. Portland, is a step in the right direction, lol).

Anyhoo, despite the gazillion things going on today, Misty and I managed to trek over to People’s Coop Harvest Festival. It was awesome! Below are some pics. (BTW, this is a great idea, People’s! What a wonderful help for those going sans automobile! More grocers should offer such service!)

Apple Press:

Mmmmm….. free tasting…

More?

Pumpkin carving contest!

Say Cheese, Misty!

Ok, this is not the Harvest Festival, this is from our family day on Sunday… Despite what this look might tell you, Lil’ E WAS happy about his bunny balloon hat… no, really, he was, promise.

Well, it’s very chilly- currently 58 but should get down to 47 tonight, which has been typical these last few weeks. The sky is still clear and the grass dry, so its definitely Fall weather. During our frequent walks down to the Fremont Wild Oats area, (stop at Cafe Destino for soup, run some errands around Wild Oats-mail something out, pick up rice milk-,then onto the library to see what movies have been returned, so on), we were able today to pick up acorns and bright purple and yellow leaves: the first bits of Autumn inviting us to collect and admire.

I never share much about the specifics of my marriage or finances or relatives, etc, but I wanted to write today about our recent goals of getting out of debt, saving, financial freedom. Like many young parents, esp in college, we used credit cards to keep us afloat through our years of less than 30,000 combined (at least 4 years of our 5 year marriage), and in the end we ended up with a large amount of debt. We now pay minimum payments towards debt reduction that totals 25% of our monthly income, and about half of it is high interest cards (some student loans, some personal loans). At last Hubby has found work and is now working 2 jobs for us to recover from the move and unemployment of this past summer, and we have been struck with the conviction that we must get a handle on it while we are finally making a little income. Through a dear friend of mine, we were able to apply for a credit counseling service that does the one monthly, low interest payment type of thing. It turns out this will be incredibly helpful, reducing our minimum payments and, because we are “friends and family” we have no fees whatsoever. Because we are saving so much that would have been eaten up in high interest, we can put extra on our monthly payments and get out of debt sooner. Not including student loans, it will take us 4 years, max. Incredible, isn’t it? (Incredible as in- audacious, unbelievable, inconceivable- that a young couple with college education would spend the next 4 years climbing out of consumer debt.) Ah, America- delicious consumer market dream-turned-nightmare. With a little bail-out from friends or family here and there, we have managed to pay our bills when they are due and stay afloat, but barely.

Simultaneously, we tried to go to Imago Dei (our church) Financial Peace University, and although we found the 4 hours on Sunday morning to be a little long for our family day, in the end there are some sunday school conflicts with having children in both services so we have opted to continue educating ourselves and try to go without FPU at this time. In the meantime, I’ve paid my very last overdraft fee for a large corporate bank that cares SQUAT for the little guy, and have opened a savings and checking account with an internet bank, ING Direct. With them, there are never NSF fees (because of the automatic line of credit opened in case this happens) and the interest earned on the savings is 4.3 and on checking, 3.8 (for the balance we have in there, if you have more balance, you earn more). Then I grabbed a home budget tool off Kiplinger.com and with as liberal and comfortable figures as I could apply to each expenditure, including tithing (charitable/giving) and saving (automatically out of each paycheck and into that 4.8% savings account) combined 20+% of our income, we should still have $400 dollars a month left over.

This is where I just can’t believe it. With spending money, haircut money, every little thing accounted for, we should still have $400 lying around some where at the end of every month. Now, granted, our income has only been double in the last month, so September has been more like damage control month than starting your goals month. However, this was such an eye opener that I must track where our money is going and use the darn ENVELOPES and CASH like every thing I’ve ever read has said to do. If we truly have left over after tithing, saving, bills, debt, and even renting movies and drinking Starbucks here and there (budgeted for, using cash), then I will be floored. It means that when friends need funding for a missions or we feel called to give some other way, we actually CAN. It means if we need to visit family in Florida once a year, we can save this and actually buy the tickets. It’s just crazy.

I also worked out how we will save that emergency fund of 3 months worth of income (min.) by the end of 2008 using the compound interest in our savings account along with automatic transfers off the top of every paycheck into savings. One year, no surprises, we could actually have our emergency fund filled. This has never, I repeat NEVER, appeared possible for us. I’ve read books before, Suzie Orman and who nots, we’ve done coupons and budgets and snowball effect and bla bla, but for some reason or another- nothing really worked. Yet I’m very hopeful that discipline this time around will stick.

Discipline: the word brings definite negative connotation to my spirit. Perhaps by a church (shoot, an entire sub-culture of Christianity) that defined discipline for me for so long as the “walk the straight and narrow” road of a “disciple”. Read your bible and pray for hours, don’t do anything “wrong” (including kiss your husband before marriage, lol- which I was NOT able to abide!), so on. It took the joy out of living and created a sense of shame at every inkling of rebellion and questioning. When I was involved at a Presbyterian church in Lakeland, the emphasis was the opposite- there is NO mold, it messaged, your identity is in Him. The rules and rituals were not glorified, in fact maybe they were in some ways looked down upon, particularly if done with a heart that was trying to please God, to be enough for God, so God would approve or love you more. It was a great blessing to be around those who practiced unconditional love and extended grace in a very real way. But still, I came to see discipline as “legalistic” and shunned daily practices or boxes to squeeze into.

But I came across this quote, which I ironically wrote in my journal some time ago and had since completely forgotten, from Henri Nouwen, Catholic priest and writer:

“In the spiritual life, the word discipline means ‘the effort to create some space in which God can act.’ Discipline means to prevent everything in your life from being filled up. Discipline means that some where you are not occupied, and certainly not preoccupied. In the spiritual life, discipline means to create that space in which something can happen that you hadn’t planned or counted on.” (italics/bold added)

It struck me that in the regards to finances, discipline can be viewed much the same way. Discipline on how you spend and where your money goes creates ROOM, it means your cup is not completely dry, that you aren’t sucking the drops off the coffee table and paying high interest on your imbalance. It means you have SPACE in which “something can happen that you hadn’t planned or counted on”- another pregnancy, a broken leg, a family vacation you never thought you could take, a way to give to some one in need.

So, although this has become a slightly longer post than I intended, I have a feeling my journey with money and debt and spiritual applications could be useful to some of you, so I share in hopes it helps

Here are some pics for your viewing pleasure, plus a video that only those of you who think its cool to watch a squeeling toddler run around a playground should click on. Your clicking? Okaaay, I’ve warned you.

Is niceness a word? Well, I’m making it up if it’s not. That’s the feelin’ I’m getting today from The Mommy Spot, where Diane has honored me and others with a few mommy bloggy awards. What did I win? Scream Free Parenting! (My downstairs neighbors are wondering, …HOW did she know?) …That Google Earth must be gettin good!

So after a night of 3 hours of sleep (work) and a stuff up nose (lowered immune system) I stumbling onto the computer- in my green painting paints and bright pink, over-sized Victoria Secrets flannel pj top, freezing in a 50 degree house, hair all a mess, eyes blood shot, back in knots, and so on- only to find the niceness of another blog mom part the clouds! (I could’ve won a “virtual” award/statue and my level of elation would only be slightly lower, just slightly.)

So THANKS for the book Diane! And for saying you like my blog… shucks… I like yours too… recipes, herbs, recalls-girl, look at you!

Well, its been a week since I wrote last- crazy huh? Even Hubby had gotten used to checking in on me here, and has been wondering what the heck is wrong with me- no new content day after day!

I’ve been workin and such lately- oh and finished that book. In the end I really liked it still, so I’ll share that it was As If Love Were Enough. Now I’m reading The Year of Magical Thinking, (Joan Didion) and am enjoying that to, although very differently.

Hubby and I finally got out on a date night last night- we saw Broken English at Living Room Theaters (LOVE that place- and they make a mean Spanish Coffee Cocktail too!) then we meandered around the Pearl and found our way into a little cocktail lounge called District. We liked the atmosphere and in all had a great evening, ending it in a nice bubble bath in our claw foot tub (kept meaning to try that but haven’t gotten around to it yet). Well, that’s not exactly where we ended the evening but that’s going beyond pg-13 at that point. (TMI? Hey, you’re at Mama Need Java, what do you expect?!)

I’ve got some pics to upload one of these days, but my laptop is not reading my digital card. I think its due to the vista OS, but I’m not sure. Sometimes the drives aren’t recognized, built in webcam won’t work, things like that.

Well, potato leek soup is simmerin on the stove and Hubby has another evening off, so I’m going to get to dinner and write more later in the week. Just wanted to make sure it was clear that I didn’t drop of the face of the earth!

This morning, my day seemed to lay out before me as an open stretch resembling much too closely the day before, and the day before that, and so on. A little down, a little predictable argument with Hubby here and there, a little inevitable exasperation with Lil’ E from time to time…

Instead, I might have found my voice, for now, for this time, for me -right here, today. (insert post title here.)

Loving a book I didn’t think much of- turning out to be an unexpected page turner with wonderful ties to northern city-life verses suburbs outside of Orlando, with humanist vs. christian topics and Swaggart-christian vs. Christ-Christian topics and family vs. mistress to a married lover topics and suffice to say that so far, I’m not putting it down, which I’ve done with lots of books lately. All from a little fiction, Oprah book club novel… (insert post title here.)

Depression turned to elation when Hubby up and started dinner today- (this, folks, is a rarity of the Hailey’s Comet proportion)- and no, he did not opt for the tempting box of organic “maccy cheese”- he seared chicken breast, marinated in pinot noir vinegar and seasonings, with sides of corn on the cob and brussel sprouts. Like, woah! Now he is totally up against the wall, as they say, because this little known fact as to his cooking abilities has gotten him out of dinner duty for half a decade- not so, anymore! (Although, I did completely forget our rule about cooking and dishes, so this means that I do have to start dirtying my hands with dishes on the nights he cooks. Aaaaalways strings attached, I tell ya.) (Insert post title here.)

Totally a skipper today, in one way, not to dwelve into at this time. Let’s just say something about “learning how to read the bible” was like the last thing I wanted to do today. The bible being, to me, what it is. Anyway. Nuf or not Nuf Said, either way, I’m dun sayin it.

Ok, time to go play Tetris with Hubby. (Insert post title one last time.)

This is an incredible live performance by Little E and his stylishly blue ink soul patch: (disclaimer- this is long.)

That’s what life feels like for me lately. It seems I should be a little further along sometimes, having gotten my “edumacation”, being married for nearly 5 years, a mommy for 2+pregnancy, working, bla bla bla- those should surely qualify me for a self-titled “intermediate”, right? Instead I feel in so many ways as though life has just begun. As though my lungs are crushing with the weight of my first breath of oxygen: I know nothing.

Yep, the lovely twenties, full blown in effect.

One of my many humble philosophies on life is sort of a “mind over matter” one- with regards to vices, depression, stress, so forth. Though I must have a zillion crutches that I don’t even think about or consider them as such, the ones I recognize I typically do away with rather quickly. Example- if I notice I’m using wine to “relax” too often, I’ll begin to formulate a different way to relax that is healthier, no side effects, etc etc. Aromatherapy, massage, yoga, whatever. I even considered recently the homeopathic medicinal value of herbs such as St. John’s Wort or Kava, though in the end even those had side effects I’d rather not deal with, not to mention that you cannot be on them while pregnant or nursing and that chapter of my life isn’t exactly over yet, so might as well not even get started on the treatment.

Side note: I recently read an article in a parenting e-zine where the writer and mother of the story confessed that she turned her weekend vice of smoking a little weed while her son is not around into a “one hitter” commonality whenever she needed to “get through the day” with her son. I wanted to scream at such stupidity, especially as nearly every single comment (there were over 80) to the on-line article went back and forth between arguing about the legality of pot or the irresponsibility of the mom while she is the care-giver for a young child, etc etc. While all those arguments are interesting, I felt like they really missed the point. Why not get to the deeper issue (IMHO) and learn to deal with your stress and anxiety as a mother without “mother’s little helpers” at all? Perhaps such levels of annoyance indicate a major change needs to happen, as in, more sleep, better diet, a little exercising, prayer (yikes, touchy subject!) or even counseling. I also feel, (though this opinion might get me stoned), that too many (esp mothers) turn quickly to the latest prescription drug for helping them cope BEFORE giving the aforementioned suggestions a hearty attempt. (Okay, that’s all I’ll say now about my extreme skepticism of allopathic medicine! Another day, another post)

As for me, I “confess” that I can fall into mild feelings of lethargy, depression, anxiety or what have you, certain circumstances trigger it more than others of course. I can tell when I want to “hide” that the cloud is over me. Luckily, it rarely effects my ability to fulfill responsibilities, although it does make doing them more difficult. Anyhow, this all to say that I am sort of in one of these periods lately and have the foreboding feeling that it hasn’t even completely run its course yet (it’s only the beginning!)- with upcoming cold, sunless, rainy days of Portland’s winter ahead, the holidays without friends and family around, hubby working double shifts nearly every day, and my only “hey, let’s go chill” friend starting a full-time job and having her mom come live with her, all of this seems to be indicators to me lately that I’ve got to catch this mood at the beginning and prepare for the “dark night of the soul” that could be quite lonely if I don’t proceed carefully.

This post has taken a slight detour from its original “I might finally know that I don’t know anything” but trust me, its all related!

So I’m open to anything, bar substance abuse, traditional Western medicine, lol, and perhaps some others things I haven’t thought of, to help me trudge along this phase with a deeply joyful heart. I have absolute assurance that this won’t happen without a much greater awareness of the daily conversation God is having with me, and perhaps I could even try responding more often in prayer instead of avoidance. From there, I’ve got to start reading some good books, doing my yoga again, and making sure my oil burner is always going with lavender, chamomile, and clary sage. Another tip: avoid too much refined sugars, alcohol and caffeine (yes, even here at “mama NEED java” we can all agree on the “too much of a good thing” factor )

If any one else can relate to what I’ve just shared, here’s a toast to your journey onward. To the other’s, I apologize for wasting your time on a very Vivian-centered subject (esp since my last post was one too!) and promise to upload a great movie tomorrow of Ethan singing songs.

What does that even mean?

I just got back from another night of “one of THOSE nights” for me, one where I nervously talked enough to safely say I dominated the conversation and spilled all for the sake of being “authentic”. When I come back from those nights, when I am just spent and soiled and bewildered as my “self” returns to me, I feel like I can sympathize with the Saints of old that would chastise themselves or whip their own bodies or something. I’ve got the dueling cavaliers on either shoulder the entire evening, telling me what to say, what not to say- made particularly nervous and unlike me by any one in the group being extra quiet. That’s weird for me too because I seem to feel like the big sister who has to make friends for the sake of those who go unheard, like if I just share something else and keep the conversation going then eventually the egg will crack and every one in the group will relax and be themselves too- although I am the last thing from relaxed or myself at the moment, the only difference between me and them being that I can’t shut my f-ing mouth. And when the group dynamic can go on without me and every one is laughing and carrying on their own conversation, I very rarely wish to join the topics because I love the fact that I can just sit back and watch it happen and NOT have to share my example or experience of whatever particular subject happens to be on the table.

BLEH!

I thought the self-wandering, identity seeking phase ended with puberty, but clearly my insecurities are fresh and bare for all to see, mostly ME.

I recently watched Ms. Beatrix Potter, and there was one point in there where she is being told about her foolish decision to purchase a farm and, (after living under an insufferable social climbing mother, losing her (unapproved of) first love to death, and simultaneously turning her “little stories and paintings” into a best selling children’s book), she tells the man that she is “no longer in the habit of being lectured to”. Something in me was like “Yeah!” when she said that; I cheered her on in my heart because I absolutely love those characters at last embracing being okay in their own skin, having no explanation to give to any one about what they do with their time, money, love, faith, etc etc etc. I have very few balls when it comes to stuff like that. I don’t want to disappoint people, in general I want people to be comfortable and happy and possibly even like me, but at the same time I don’t compromise “being myself” (whatever that means) when I’m around them anymore, not very much anyway.

It used to be that one friend knew me as a proper, faithful lady and another knew me as a fiery, talkative eccentric (which made for an awkward time when the two met and we hung out as a threesome- who to be, who to be?) And I can remember this time last year making it my goal that this facade would end. Welcoming myself into the blog-osphere was good practice- which person would I present to the masses- family, friends, in-laws, strangers, co-workers, church peers- they would all have access to this little URL and would all have to get used to one and only one Vivian- some days completely safe and other days a crazy rant of a post- and I would similarily have to allow it to happen- even force it to happen, for the sake of being consistent. That means I can’t hang out with a family member and tell them, “oh yeah, those crazy mom’s checkin their kids toys for lead paint!” because I AM that mom and I already blogged about it. See what I mean? Every one gets the same story- they begin to get used to it OR stop getting to know me if they so choose, but in the end I have no apologies or explinations or back-peddling. What you see/read is what you get.

Yep, so my “home community” has this link and people I’m trying to get to know and would prefer they come to like me can read all about my insanity right here and that’s that. My husband, come to find out, passes it along to members of his family I’ve never even met, (like, can’t he just give them our FLICKR account if they want photo’s of Lil’ E??? I mean, really, this is my PERSONAL weblog) but then I’m faced with the self-coaxing again: okay, I will make the conscious decision to not adjust what I’m thinking/feeling at the moment to cater to one particular audience (as if that many people even read my blog! My stats say about 350 average it daily, and I’m thinking most of that’s bogus or my own navigating to approve comments, lol!) but you get the drift. It’s a great tool if you choose to be indeed “personal” with it.

Larry Crab, in his genius book Inside Out, has helped me with this a lot too, and so armed with this agenda of being authentic, non-private, communal, imperfect christian I do NOT behave differently around my husband, (ie. bat my eyes, soften my voice, hold his hand, in front of a group of people when that is NOT how we act alone. I treat him nearly exactly the same, except of course that at home I’m more prone to raising my voice ) and I try very hard not to behave differently as a parent. I find that usually people are relieved to hear my stories of horror at my own failings as a mother and wife, that some one like me has allowed themselves to be known and they no longer have to wonder about what skeletons are in my closet, or worse, whether they are all alone with theirs.

The more I get to know people, it is so so so true that every one is just as nuts as I am. I mean, the people I would have hands down said were pretty “together” have been the ones caught in the worst addictions, the ones who deal with very little of their own childhood hurts or marital problems, they have the biggest melt downs and live a life that is false so it builds up and builds up and then they freak out in rage. They want people to know so little about them that no one can ever truly “get in” and when they do, it is so shocking what they see (because such a different person was presented to them all along!) that they don’t want to revisit the friendship again.

Didn’t Christ teach a different way of being? Was he worried what people would think when he washed feet, touched lepers, called Pharisees a “broad of snakes!”, overturned TEMPLE tables, or stood up for a woman (presumably naked) caught “in the very act of adultery”? Were the early Christians, who met in backyards and sang songs together and shared everything and sold all their possessions- were they particularly shy about “airing dirty laundry”- for crying out loud they were likely sharing the clothes off their back, not to mention all of their sins and struggles laid bare. The culture of the first followers of Christ did not leave room for pretension or saving face regarding financial means, marital happiness, parental perfection or spiritual enlightenment. It was all hangin out there, ugly and gross, so they could together join hands and GROW.

Being me: I have no flippin clue what that means sometimes. Is the me I think I am just a persona too, am I just the product of my environment or the predestined personality of the Creator, or the physiological make up of a bunch of random DNA molecules or where the stars happened to align at the moment I was born? Some of this is fairly far fetched, of course, but personality theorists have gone even further in their guessing!

My thought is that I’ll start to figure it out after the me I present to others gets embarrassing, humiliating, but in the end and as I already stated: consistent. And that, at least, I think I’m starting to have going for me.

On a completely other angle, I AM aware that my limited knowledge and experience makes me no expert, even on myself, and that many wiser souls than I might conclude that the more self-forgetful, ie. self-LESS or NOT CONSCIOUS of oneself we are, the more we will actually be “ourselves”.

In the meantime, I admit that I really envy the fly on the wall, wishing I could revert back to the timid Vivian I once was, whose face turned red when eyes were on me so I never contributed a thing when not completely comfortable with those I was with. But its sort of like Egypt- once you have grown beyond that point, you’ve got bigger demons to deal with and more of that “much is given” to wrestle with. Oh my gosh, I’m going to quickly end this post before I start saying something that sounds way too much like Peter, a.k.a. “Spiderman”’s Uncle: “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Crap, too late.